The Wannabe Starlet

This is bad

2011-08-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

I'm working on getting a laptop by Christmas, so that I may update and watch law and order reruns at the same time, because this is definitely posing a problem.

Real quick, because this is only a warmup.

I did get asked out, but it was really awkward. By someone I work with, but I think dating him would be bad idea. I lied and said I had to work.

I'm really getting sick of turning guys down, maybe it's my own neurosis, but the guys are just never right. I never like them like that. I don't know what's wrong.

Anyway, all warmed up, more (coherent) babbling to continue soon.

I asked someone out

2011-07-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

This week I promise I get on a writing schedule because I'm getting way too relaxed with the time between posts, fucking ridiculous.

Yes, I did asked someone out. I won't say who, but I have mentioned him on this blog before, and no, not very much. I won't say who it is because the end result is way too embarrasing. But I write this to provide a lesson to you all in the power of rejection.

So there is this certain someone I know who I have known for a while, whom I think is really nice, has shown me nothing but the utmost respect, and who I would like to get to know on a deeper level on a personal basis, whether it be friendship wise or not. I also knew he would never ask me out, so I asked him. I promised lunch at first, but I had a hair appointment that morning, so I was hoping I that I can make it an early dinner. We had been talking off an on for the last couple of weeks, so he knew about the lunch but I never really had the time set aside to asking him, until now.

I texted:
"Hey, I have some errands to run, would you be up for dinner instead of lunch."

His response:
"I have to look into it. I'll let you know as soon as possible".

This was 5 days ago.

Do you think he turned me down? Of course, he did. But, let me tell you why. Because I know. First of all, I was/am in a very vulnerable place right now. I recently realized that my personal life is a mess, in the sense that I don't really have one. So I am doing what I always do and am trying to fix it all by myself. Too put it nicely, it's not working out very well. He probably sense the desperation in the text.

Second, he just got out of a relationship and he's trying to get back with the ex-girlfriend. Has been for a while. You know how it is when someone dumps you, and they still give you a life jacket to try to win them back. I'm pretty sure he's on that tugboat.

Third, I'm pretty sure that's he intimidated by me. Sadly, most men are extremely intimated by women with no kids, no drama, and good jobs. Not all, but most. They feel they have to constantly be on their toes and keep, when in reality they really want to run the show no questions asked. Throw in a certain level of attractiveness from the woman, then forget it. They know you'll leave their ass if they fuck up, and frankly they don't want to take that risk. Now, I'm not saying that he's scared of me because I'm so hot, but I'm sure he knows he would have to be on his toes in order to date me.

I was debating about texting him and finding out if he forgot. But for what? If he wanted to go he would have remembered, or would have least given me a straight forward answer. Whatever. It'll happen when it happens. I think.

Married People Problems

2011-07-14T16:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes honestly I am really okay with being single, but there are time when I really hate it. I mean hate it. Today I had one of those times. I went to lunch with 2 of my 4 bosses today. Both married and young. One the husband's actually showed up and him and his wife we're literally eating off each other's plates. I would stab a bitch before I let my husband eat off my plate. The conversation went a little something like this.

Here is them talking about their summer plans.

"Oh, did you book that hotel in Hawaii that we recommended to you?"
"We sure did. We're going at the end of October."
"You'll love it, we stay there about twice a year."
"So excited."
"We're going to actually do a backpacking trip this year, Yosemite I think. Or Mexico. We're still deciding. We're really over Hawaii, we're always there."

If it one thing that's worse than your single ass being at a table full of married couples, it's being at a table with young married couples with money.

Here's the conversation I had with my girlfriend last night about a dude she just met on the internet.

"You might like him. He seems fine."
"You said that about the last one, and you see what happened there."
"If he wasn't crazy, you would still be together."
"He's very open about sex, I'm a little scared that he'll want to do it too quick when I meet him."
"Girl, please bring cash and drive. And leave when he's in the bathroom just in case he's psycho."
"I always do."

Ugh. F-- my life. Why does society equate a woman who is single with being a loser? This is why. Because the ones who are left who are single, have to deal with the leftover riff raff. Who on earth would admire people who deal with that?

To be honest, I felt bad for them. I know they walked away thinking, "Oh my God I feel so bad for her. She's broke and she's single. I should have told my husband to stop talking so much, it probably made her feel bad."

No, honey. What makes me feel bad is the fact that you think everyone's rich and happy, and I am really jealous that you are able to build such a big bubble like that. Mine always gets burst, quickly. The world is a really harsh place. Maybe I'm here to burst yours. You're always looking at me like I'm crazy anyway.

Anyway, to my girlfriend. I hope this works out for her. I am scheduled to start internet dating the third week of August. Yes, I actually have to set t a time for myself to do it, because I'm a scaredy cat asshole.

The saga continues....

Shortest Post Ever....

2011-07-11T21:15:00.001-07:00

So I had a date.

Well kind of a date.

Co-worker from new job as me to lunch.

Didn't want to go, went anyway. Because....hmmm...free lunch.

Ordered food.

Downed 2 coronas, then look like he wanted a third.

He was, eh, kind of ghetto.

Story of my life.

The end.

The Women are so Fabulous at Church

2011-07-03T18:53:00.000-07:00

They really are.

I may or may not have mentioned before that I attend a very large church. It's on the rather "hood" side of town, but it's still very "hollywood" none the less. Now, I'm not saying it's okay to look like you just rolled out of bed to go to church, but if you do... you deserve to get the side eye as well because it's kind of disrespectful. Get dressed, it's church. And then you have the people who take a full step farther than just getting dressed. I'm talking about the club clothes. The tight, tight dresses, the late arrival/slow walk down the aisle, and my personal favorite, the false eyelashes. False eyelashes and tight club dresses, and slow walk. Do you really need to be seen that badly?

I say all that to say, I use this analogy to further illustrate my fascination of people who want be seen.

The therapy textbook 101 clearly states that these women/people/drag queens clearly did not get attention at home or as a child so now they're trying to overcompensate. True, or in my experience, not true. They get plenty of attention as home. They start unnecessary fights with their significant others to get attention, they participate in drama with their family and friends to get attention, they talk about their kids solely to get attention. I mean their whole life is completely about them and the attention they receive. But that's just my experience. Thanks, Mom.

I am attention whore to a certain extent just like everyone else. But my attention whorey-ness, has been geared toward someone giving me connections to get me further in my career. The nails, the hair, the workouts, the makeup, all to get approached by the right person to get me from a to b. Also, not to attract A man, but to attract the right one. This whole caring about my appearance thing is still a work in progress though. Very slow progress.

Getting back to church, there's a girl/woman who walks in every Sunday, who to put it nicely, is not a petite woman. She wears either very light weight knit dresses with thong or very tight low cut jeans to the service. Also with a thong. How do I know she always wears a thong? Well I said she's not small and the dresses are lightweight so, 1 + 1 = 2. She sits in front on me and it's so distracting because she always comes in late and sits right in front of me and gets up and goes to the bathroom at least once during the sermon. Her dental floss string butt covering my view of altar. And yes, there are false eyelashes, too.

I hate false eyelashes, if you haven't picked that up yet. I would say why but I will go on a tangent about that on another day because I am sure it will relate to another post in some way shape or form.

I Remember...

2011-06-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

I remember back in the day, when I thought somebody was cute. I told them, right then and there. No rhyme reason or pretense. When they felt the same way, I attacked with about the same amount of discretion as a dog in heat. Now when a guy...excuse me...cute, normal looking guy with seemingly non-ambiguous sexuality, I wonder if he thinking, "wow, her hips are really wide, how does she find pants?"
I wouldn't even call it confidence per say, it's just what you did.

Now I think when you get a little older. Men see you of two ways. Either dateable/marriage material or umm, how can I say this...not. I believe that most women are born with just enough personality and feminity to always attract men and have them stay around for a while. Looks are not a factor in this formula. I've seen plenty of...erm, unconventional looking women..who always manage to be in a relationship and always have the upper hand. Bitches are included in this scenario, too. They always have a man,

Then there are the others. The undateables. The ones who upon sight have nothing physically wrong, or even nothing mentally wrong, but no guy will touch them with a ten foot pole because they just give off a certain vibe. My best friend says their losers. I think that's a little harsh. I just think that...hmmm...I really don't know how to categorize it.

I, myself, am beginning to believe I fall into the undateable category. Not because I have trouble meeting men, I just meet the wrong ones (please refer to the ambiguously gay post prior to this one.), the right ones just never seem to be attracted to me at all. And if I did manage to meet one, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't stick around and watch all the wonderful gay friends joining in to celebrate our lives with us. I mean, it will seriously take a strong hunk of man to sit through the gay pride parade to happens in my life every weekend.

So we'll see. I met a guy on Sunday who I gave my number to who I had no interest in talking to at all. I blame this on the fact that I don't have time, but it's bull shit. I do this a lot. I just don't want to waste my time unless it's somebody who I really want to call me. Anyhoo, I saw him at the gym today and gave me serious stank eye, I didn't figure out who he was until I was almost at home.

I going to try not to be alone forever. I promise.

Every Man in Los Angeles is a Fucking Douchebag.

2011-06-14T20:41:00.000-07:00

It's true. They are.

I will elaborate.

I went bar hopping with my friend Vanessa on Saturday. I have at this point completely given up of meeting guys when I go out because they are not really interested in meeting women. They are not even interested in having one night stands, that would even be plausible. Single men in LA only like attention, and that's pretty much it.

The first bar we went to, me and my girlfriend were talking and some guy taps me on my shoulder and asks me what I'm drinking. He's clearly gay. I say margarita. He's drunk, and keeps talking as if maybe he might kind of be hitting on me. But never really makes it perfectly clear. Once again, gay. He rubs up against me, I confirm with my friend that homeboy is gay. I'm confused. No, not really. He's gay. And wasted. My girlfriend gets up and goes to the bathroom, he sits on the stool next to me and starts chatting. My friend comes back he asks us to join the party that's he's with so we can get free drinks. We get up...he runs off...we sit back down.

Another man with ambiguous sexuality comes up. We're about to leave, and we ask does he want our seats. He says no. Now the way LA clubs work in my opinion, it's either a bar where nothing but black people frequent, or not many black people at all. So it's not really a surprise to me anymore that if I go to a club and I'm the only black woman there. Ambiguous, wearing a shirt that says Santa Monica, looks dead at me and says, "Is this Little Ethopia?, You don't look Ethiopean."

Let's go.

We head to bar called the dime. It's packed. While making our way to the bar, I see a really cute dude who I intend to flirt with. After almost getting into a fight with a girl at the bar we sit down, and I asked his friend who looks and sounds a lot like Mike Tyson where he went. Friend took this as his in to proceed to tell me the hard road he's traveled in life. But he says it in a very Mike Tyson-ish way.
Cutie Pie sits back down.

Me: "So what part of LA do you live."
Cutie: "Nicholls Canyon."
Me: "Where?"
Cutie: "Nicholls Canyon, like LMFAO are my neighbors. Wanna see my pictures with Paris? We're friends."

Okay, let's go.

The last bar we hit included a drunken conspiracy theorist who wouldn't leave us alone, a model (who left early), and the worst corned beef hash I've ever eaten in my life.

I hope none of you are planning on moving here.

I Go to the Movies By Myself

2011-06-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

I go the movies by myself, quite a bit. According to my best friend this is unusual, but I never really had a problem with it. I went to see X-men first class, yesterday (awesome, by the way) because I couldn't find any one to go see it with me, so I just went. Whenever I have a full day to myself, my favorite thing to do is to buy a ticket online, buy a hot dog, nachos, and an icee (and sometimes milk duds), pig out and go see a movie. My best friend thinks this is strange. Not strange in the way that is a unusual human behavior, but strange in the way that this ritual is the way I sort of celebrate my own alone-ness. A man friend told me once that a movie date is considered a romantic thing.... Really?

Are the movies really supposed to be considered a romantic thing?
I'm not sure, I've done quite a few unromantic things to men in movies.

And yes, the movies are full of couples, but I really don't understand it. Still at 32. Maybe I will eventually.

It's another thing to go to dinner by myself. That's sad, I am not doing that. That is just a spotlight highlighting your beacon of lonlieness. I mean you really get to know someone at dinner, their eating habits, what they like to eat, or the absolute make or break for me which is how well they tip. Bad tipper, no go. Plus, no restaurant in the world is that damn good that I would actually sit down and eat there alone with a room full of people, where instead I can just get it to go.

Most Non-Dating Single Person Ever

2011-05-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't written very much. I know that this is supposed to be a dating blog, and I was really excited about the idea at first. The excitement quickly wanes when you realize that there is no material for you to write about. No experiences to draw on really to draw on to give invaluable, life changing advice. No men who really speak to you or pay attention to you. You know, the small things.

Here's an idea that you all can discuss amongst yourselves. Is it wrong that I stopped caring and stopped trying? Not necessarily in a give up on life sort of way, but more so in a it happens when it happens sort of way.
I'll give you just a little background. I've recently achieved a high state of clarity in a couple of weeks as far as my "personal" and professional life, and I have decided to surrender to my own epiphanies.

I don't know if I've ever talked about a co-worker that I had a crush on. Well, at least the one I thought I had a crush on. Anyway, I have to work very closely with this guy roughly for the last year and half. I thought he was the nicest, sweetest, guy ever, but he had a girlfriend. I knew that they were having problems, and I thought maybe, when they finally broke up that he would realize that I was the one that he wanted to be with all along and we would be together and ride off into the sunset.

Yeah, I was delusional as hell with that one.

I really have this bad habit of wanting people to like me who I don't necessarily like. He must lust for me in dreams at night all while I don't really give a shit about them one way or another. It's very narcissistic and self-involved, but it's such a boost to the ego.

This was the case with him.

Yeah, he has good qualities. But honestly I don't see myself waiting by the phone on baited breath for him to call me. He's funny, but he's not funny in the way that it plays off people. He's more "me, me, me, look at me" funny. Not cute, and gets old. He's short and kind of fat. I don't mind when guys are out of shape, but there are qualifications on that. If you're out of shape it needs to bother you a little bit, or because you're so busy focusing on other wonderful, meaningful things that you neglect things like your weight. Strive to be the best possible you. Basically if you're fat and say, "fuck it, I'm just big." I hate that.

He wouldn't be down with my sometime diva girl ways. At all. And he would hate my friends. He kind of talks at me and doesn't really have any interest in getting to know me on a personal level outside of work. I can go on.

I came to this conclusion when he actually broke up with girlfriend a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't care. Oh, yeah, and I'm leaving that job in two weeks. Still don't care.

Yeah, and I got a new job. Got off my ass, prayed, and got a new job. and I'm writing again, as evidenced here.

As far as dating goes, I saw someone I knew get dressed up to go out on date the other day. She seemed like she was going to have fun.

I'm so pathetic.

Dating in Los Angeles

2011-05-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

It sucks. For me at least. And my friend. Let's call her Tammy.

Tammy and I have been friends for a couple of years now. She's in her early 30's like myself. She's blonde, petite, smart, very outgoing. And she has never had a boyfriend. At least for more than 5 months. She's originally from northern California and she's basically lived here since college. No boyfriend. All of her friends, (besides me of course) are all in relationships or married. They have even tried to fix her up with some of their friends. Nothing. We've been out to bars together several times. No one approaches us and when we talk to them... tumbleweeds.

Speaking of bars. Every time I go out in LA, everybody who comes in already knows each other, so there's really no mingling really. It's the same groups who come in together, stick together, and leave together. The guys may smile at you while their going up to get their drink, then they run back to their girlfriends. Who are hanging on to the bottom of their leg.

I say all this to say this. Everybody in LA is in these ridiculous long term relationships. I say ridiculous because some of the people who I see in long term relationships are quite ridiculous. Imagine seeing the weirdest sketchball guy ever in a department store, shopping, drueling at the mouth and you are totally afraid to go near him. He starts coming near you to ask you a question and you fear for your life. Now imagine yourself backing away and then his cute perfectly normal girlfriend comes upstairs and plants one straight on the mouth and they soon share a loving embrace, making you instantly wonder... what the hell did you wrong with your life?

Tammy and I always have this discussion when we go out. It's not necessarily about love. Love is a long shot. But we really cannot figure out what's wrong. We do not know why that we are the in-between relationship girl. The girl he needs to pass the time. Not the girl that the dude will eventually go running back to, but she won't take him back because she dumped him and has found someone better. We're the fun girl. We're also never the only girl.

I have a co-worker that just broke up with his girlfriend. I don't even think I like him, but yet I thought about pouncing on him solely because it's such a anomaly that he's single man.

Anyway, there will be a part two to this. I have more.

Anyway, there will be a part two to this.

The Boyfriend Girls

2011-05-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

Oh, the ninth wonder of the world known as boyfriend girls. How I am forever fascinated by the boyfriend girls. I am surprised no one has written a damn song about the boyfriend girls. But maybe after this somebody will. I won't because I hate them. All.

What's a boyfriend girl?
A boyfriend girl is a girl that you either know or are associated with who is always in a relationship. You have no memory as to when she was not in relationship. One ends, there is always another poor soul waiting to pick up that slack. The guys they choose are always completely obsessed with them. They are usually characterized by the following traits: super prissy, often punctuating conversations with stories about their boyfriend, having no idea what it means to actually date or meet guys in a bar, never being worried or stressed due to the sex their having everyday, and the idea of having a "girls night out" being a science experiment to them.

May I present exhibit A:

She was born to have a boyfriend. When she broke up with Reggie Bush on her damn show all she did was whine about she's the single one and how weird it was for her. She also seems super uptight because she's completely uncomfortable making a fool of herself because she's never had to really develop a personality before. She just relied on the guy she was with to have one.

I, personally, am fascinated by these species of women for several reasons. I am fascinated by the fact that these boyfriend girls have the talent to sniff out the only decent, gainfully employed, available men on the planet and manage to make said men completely fall in love with them. And when the girl is ready to move on, they dump their men unceremoniously and completely ruin their self esteem. Resulting in turning these once great, ready for marriage, dependable, happy guys into woman hating players. These women either are born with or are taught the knowledge of how to get the man they want and how to make sure he will never get over them.

What is a non-boyfriend girl?
I am the opposite of a boyfriend girl. I believe at this point in my life, I am way, way too comfortable being by myself because I've done it for so long. I also, have quite a few friends, (classic trait of the non-boyfriend girl), so I have people in my life now who I can depend on if I really need them. Tricking myself into eliminating a need for a man in the process. Men like independent women, but you can only be independent to a certain extent. You have to really want that guy in your life.

Being a boyfriend girl isn't about looks. I know or know of a couple of women who aren't "conventionally" beautiful, who have completely ruined some men's lives. You may even say they were just really confident women. It's not always about confidence either, some may have been confident about what to do in their relationships, but not really much else outside of that. I truly just think you have it or you don't. You attract often or you attract less often. I also believe those books about flirting and sending signals are all a bunch of bullshit. They're just not enough single men out there to have a happy ending that way. Just basing that on numbers alone.

So if you're single right now and are interested in using your feminine wiles to attract your dream guy. Prepare to either be a home wrecker or a bedpost notch. Because that boyfriend girl he's got at home, is not letting him go out without a tracking device. Go for the nice guy that you don't really think is all that hot but is soo sweet, or the nice mailman who complements you everyday, or just be slut, guys like that too.

We Used to Deal...

2011-04-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

Ever heard of this term, ever used this term before? You probably have and didn't know it, so let me inform you or refresh your memory.

I believe that this term varies for different ethnicities. White people would probably universally rephrase this term as "we dated". Even if this term does not technically mean date, even if they just screwed and hung out, they say date. When they say this is my ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, this is usually a more definitive term of the relationship. We, of the minority persuasion, if we used to "see" a particular person, or screw said person for a period time, in either our past and our present, we usually use the term: "I deal with her/We used to deal". To put it more clearly, seeing someone of the opposite sex without it ever getting to relationship status.

How in the world does this happen that you end up "dealing" with somebody? Well, it's easy really. The most common example is if you meet someone that you're only sexually attracted to, not mentally attracted to. Another reason is if you meet someone who you are both mentally and sexually attracted to, but for some reason whether it's your fault or the others' fault, you never actually end up getting together. Affairs are the most popular example of this.

Some of you would never ever settle for "dealing" with somebody. It's all or nothing for you. That's great, stay that way. For the rest of us, there are some bumps in the road. I'll take myself for example, I dealt with someone off and on for 8 years. And I dated other people in between. Nasty, huh? Well, I am guilty of the second reason listed above. We'll call it an affair. Truth be told, I made it way more complicated than it had to be because of the feelings on my end, and talked myself out of a lot of relationships in the mean time. But when the relationships didn't work out, I never really let myself heal because he was always there being my psuedo-boyfriend. I also "dealt" with those other guys to make him jealous. Not good.

I met this lady who is my hairdresser's client. She is 46 and a successful HR manager with no children. She's never had a real relationship, any man she dated only "dealt" with her. In fact, the man that she said she was in love with informed her he was in love with someone else. A drug addict in fact. He recently called 46, so she can help his new woman get a job so she can get her life back on track. He said he didn't understand why she was so upset since he was never actually her boyfriend. She was clearly devastated when she was telling this story, and her story has officially become my worst nightmare.

I've "dealt with" a lot of people in my life. This is because of a combination of commitment issues, low self-esteem, and just plain old not knowing what I want. Now that I'm in my 30's, I realize now that there's actually going to be a lot of work on my part to get what I want, hence me rebooting this blog. I'm not saying, not deal with people, dealing is fine. It gets your feet wet. But put a time limit on it, a short one. Like a month. This is not enough time to get to know somebody, true, but it is enough time for you to make a checklist to evaluate if you want to continue for another month.

Single People with Married Friends.

2011-04-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

I made this vow with myself earlier this year, or maybe this week that I need to get out more, so I have genuinely made a concerted effort to have plans made every weekend. Plans not necessarily meaning going out to a club, but just getting out period. On tap this weekend, dinner and kareoke with my two cousins.

Now I live in Los Angeles and she lives in Orange County, so the place where we usually end up meeting is Long Beach or rather Lakewood. Ugh. For those of you who are not familiar with southern California, no matter how much you absolutely hate LA, it's still better than living in Long Beach.

I say all that to say this, Lakewood is er..well...not my speed. The night started off like this. My cousin is married, and my other one is engaged, I'm the only single one. A fact that I really didn't deem as important as much as I did last night. When single people have married friends that they go out with, you know what they do? They flirt like hell with who ever single comes by and when the single man passes them by, they pass them off to their desperate single friend. Modify that times ten when their drunk.

So we get to the restaurant, not even five minutes after we sit down, some guy comes over and starts talking to us. Not hitting on us, but he was really "entertaining". Long story short, he was basically throwing out his fishing line to see who he could catch. Very flattering.

My cousin immediately starts flirting with him, and makes sure she points me out as the single one. His eyes widened. So I had to let him down gently and take his business card in order to save face. I told her very nicely to back off when we there.

We get to kareoke. I genuinely go to this little dive bar to enjoy watching the people get drunk and make an fool out of themselves on stage. So this guy sits down right next to us and offers to buy us our drinks. At first he seemed very nice, but once again I wasn't really in the mood for getting someone's number. As the night went on my cousin got more drunk and proceeds to kick me and keeps suggesting that I get his number. The guy as the night wore on proved to be another creepy attention whore. Stalker; clingy like. Talking about marriage and kids within the first five minutes of meeting. If you are single, you can spot these things very quickly. I ended up doing something out of character and giving him my number because of my cousin's big mouth, and I genuinely felt bad that he'd been led on so much by her. I had no intention of answering the phone when he called. Mean, but I don't believe in even letting someone take me out on a date and spend money on me when I have no intention of dating them on the regular. I just think that's rude.

Anyway, my cousin and I are due for a talk. We'll see how it goes. Not mad, but this journey is hard enough on my own without someone who doesn't understad what you're going through making it more complicated.

I gave my number late late week to a guy who seemed very disappointed that I wouldn't let him come over to my house at 9:00 at night, roughly one hour after meeting him. Times are looking up.

OK Cupid.

2011-04-04T20:57:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think this dating blog is not such a good idea, since hmmm..., I don't know, nobody wants to talk to me?
My friend, who is usually about is lonely as I am met the current guy she's dating someone off of OK Cupid, the free dating site? Ugh. I'll try it.
I have no qualms against online dating, it's kind of the way to go now...but OK Cupid is kind of full of losers. But what do I know, right.
So I've been on here for an hour, put a picture up and everything, just to see if someone would even talk to me. OK, two hours....OK, so I'm still technically logged on. Nothing.

I went on match.com the other day and had a little better luck. I did the free trial thing and after one day got 7 emails. So when my blackberry kept blowing up of all these menses that wanted to talk to me, can't read them. One month of service. $40.

I can't justify doing that yet, I'm desperate but not quite starving, but it's been a year, and I'm trying so we'll see.

I Need to Go on a Date

2011-03-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm all talk no action. In order to put this plan into action, I guess I would need to go out on a actual date. Yeah, easier said than done I suppose.

I tried today. I went to Target, and I tried to flirt. My efforts proved to be unsuccessful.

I'll make a confession here, and only here. I haven't been out on a actual date since May 2010. Eek!

Some of you may be sticking your finger down your throat faking a dry heaving sound. Saying, "So what! Nobody's ever asked me out on a date". Believe me, you have every right to be upset. So, I feel this need to actually explain myself.

I had two back to back "relationships" last year and the year before. One lasted around a year, the second around two months. The year long relationship with (let's just call him Bobby) was my first actual post relationship after the disaster with my "ex" (just do a search for Loverboy in this blog and you'll be filled in). He was a disaster. I met him when I got laid off from my job, and figured I need a boy around so I wouldn't feel like a total loser. I was sitting in my car feeling sorry for myself, when I saw this cute dude in a UCLA jacket, walking across the street, and I figured hell why not. So i did the classy move, honked my horn at him, and waved like an idiot until he walked over to my car. When he came over, I was surprised when he seemed like a articulate, sweet, humble guy. So I gave him my number on a piece of paper, I asked for his but he said he had no phone right now but he'd call when he could. Oookay.

He did call. He was sweet again. A couple of times after that more of the same. We made a date, I was excited. We ended up having coffee and he even tagged along with me to one of my annoying ass acting seminars. His car broke down and I ended up having to drive him home. He apologized for kissing me on the cheek. Sweet.

Long story short, Bobby ended up being a total loser about 3 months after that. It was pretty much done mentally for me when he told me that since I was faithfully getting a unemployment check every week, then I should be be supporting him because I made more money. The only reason he stayed around after that is because I was bored on the weekends. I will be referring back to Bobby periodically as an example of what not to do when trying new experiences. It was a harrowing experience.

The next guy, Julian (his real name, I'm tired) ended up meeting one night out with my cousin. Pretty normal, he was staring, he was kind of cute although not really my type, so I just went over there. He took me too lunch after church the next day, and everything seemed okay. There were flashes of crazy, but I had seen worse. I figured I was overreacting. Julian was a pretty intimidating guy. I know some girls are really into that, but it was intimidating to me too. There were flashes of crazy but nothing really concrete. The rub came when he I decided to test my guy instinct and not call him for one night just to see how he'd react. It was at around 9:30 p.m., that he called yelling, "What the hell are you doing? Who the hell are you fucking?." Needless to say it didn't last long after that.

If you want dating advice, I'll give you great dating advice. Because after the countless bad relationships that I've been involved in, I can tell you exactly what not to do. Jesus, I can probably communicate it in Morse Code.

The Art of Flirting

2011-03-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

So I admit, I never learned how to flirt. Sad. Apparently you're not really supposed to learn how to flirt, you're supposed to kind of know. This is like a skill that most attractive people are born with and it gets you phone numbers, free food, and out of driving tickets. My cousin failed her driver's test and apparently got her driver's license that way, if you hear her tell it.

So anyway, I never learned how to flirt. I believe I have pulled it off drunk several times, but sober it comes off very awkard and labored. I also never learned how to flirt because, not to be conceited, I never had to before. When I lived in the south, men are very forward. If they want to talk to you, they make themselves known quickly and aggressively. Also, looks aren't necessarily a big issue there. As long as you're not super fat, and you have your hair done, you are very much ahead of the curve.

I'll be super honest here and say that I have not had very much luck in the men department. This reason solely because until the age of 30, I never thought about what I wanted in a partner. As long as he looked good and could hold somwehat of a conversation he was a keeper. And if they did all the work trying to get me and stuck around, then I'm planning a wedding.

Here's the hard truth: Real men, the non-attention whores, gainfully employed, not into playing the field, secure with themselves, the stable ones for the most part will not approach you. At least not without some nudging your part. They are not going to see you, be blinded by your beauty and just have to come talk to you. That may have happened to you, but where they now (If you are married or currently dating them, I'm not talking to you). You need to push them.

My first few months here I was at burger stand outside waiting for a burger. Some cute, clean cut, well dressed man, comes across the street and tells me that my beauty was blinding and he had to come me meet me, even if it was just to talk. I was beyond flattered so I gave him my phone number. So he invites to his new apartment so that he can cook me dinner and he assures me I have nothing to be nervous about because he has like 3 roomates with girlfriends and they will all be there. Throw caution to wind, sure I'll go. I get there and after talking to him and the roomates for a little while, I put the pieces together he not only wasn't the roomate, he didn't have a room. I don't think he had a home period, or ever. He was homeless. I left soon after. Lesson learned.

I leaned to flirt off a blog, so pathetic I know, but I did. It's so simple really. Everyone has their own way of flirting, and I need to salvage some of my dignity, so I'm not going to tell you what it said. But I will tell you that shit works. A little touch there, a little batted eyelash there, I'm teliing you, I tried that shit out at the grove, the snobbiest mall on planet earth and I was utterly amazed. Men who I didn't think would talk to me, otherwise, weren't completely repulsed when I touched their arm while asking them a question.

There is one aspect of flirtation that I still need to master. Be aware when someone is fliring with you. I was in Trader Joe's today buying groceries. Men, when I am buying groceries or working out, I have a plan or I am on a mission, so beware. Needless to say when I looked up and came out the shock of my groceries total, cute, cute, cute dude was eye fucking me in the next line. I looked up and caught it at the tail end and it was too late. He was wearing scrubs, his jacket was open and I caught the stitching. I'm not sure if it said RN or MD. Either way, damn.

Tieing Up Loose Ends

2011-03-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

So the big change that I keep whining about is that I'm turning this exclusively into dating blog. Yeah, I don't know anything about dating at 32, but I'm giving all of us late bloomers hope. And that get pretty or die trying link over there? That's my beauty blog. (**Snort**) Seriously. Late bloomers, unite!!

So, before I start entering my grand re-entrance into the blogging world, I guess I need to tie up some loose ends from the last couple of years. If you all have scrolled through for just a second, these two topics may have popped up, occasionally. (cough,cough).

1. I'm not an actress anymore
There's two things that were very prevalent on my past postings, the first being how badly I wanted to be an actress, and the second being the topic which I will cover in number two. I'm still in L. A., a feat to which I am still surprised. After two years of constant, constant poverty, almost full year of of unemployment, and several hundred dollars on acting classes and headshots spent to no avail, and countless other setbacks, I stopped. Even after not getting past go, I knew didn't love it anymore. But in this puzzling life altering process, clarity came. I pretty much came to the conclusion, that I'm a writer, specifically screenwriter/blogger extraordinaire and I'm pretty sure I always have been, and have been pursuing pretty heavily it ever since.

2. Loverboy
Wow, too say I was obsessed was kind of an understatement, right? Well, after I moved out our story didn't end there. To sum it up, he never really left my life. Is it unhealthy? Absolutely. But, I really wish I can explain it but I can't. He ended up breaking up with the girl who was basically living with us and getting another girlfriend. I ended up diving into a very, very unhealthy relationship, just a prove a point to myself that I can move on. That guy sucked, but in a weird way it gave me that nudge in the right direction that I so desperately needed. I also dated another guy right after him. He really wanted to be with me, like for real. I'm ashamed to say I've never had that experience before. But it was nice. That guy ended up being an obsessive controlling dickweed, and I broke it off with him after a couple of months. But he became a turning point in my dating life. And I haven't settled for less since.

Yes, I'm still single. Looking back on my past postings, I really hated being single. But I hated it for the wrong reasons. Basically, for all those years, Loverboy was in close proximity of me whether we were actually living together, or him living down the street, so I guess I felt that if I got with someone else while he was still around, then that would kill any chance that I would ever have of him loving me. And because, of all the pressure I put on myself, and the misery of watching him get with other people instead of me, it resulted in me thinking I was never good enough for anyone. Therefore, I never tried.

It's different now. I have friends here, I'm a lot more settled. It's been four years. I'm single, but it's because I choose to be. I could have a man, sure, but it would be the unhealthiest relationship ever. Been there.

I have a job, two sadly(damn economy), that even though they are definitely not the ideal jobs, or neither the ideal pay. I didn't settle. I actually put some thought into what kind of environment I wanted to be in, what I wanted to do make money to pay my bills. It's not my life. This is.

Guess What....

2011-03-20T15:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, a lot of difference 2 years makes right? I'm back, and I am now under construction. Wannabe starlet is now (officially) relaunching, I should be up and running soon, so check back frequently and often. Fell free to ask questions if you can't wait! There will be some major changes under way and I hope you all like them!!

Ode to Los Angeles

2009-02-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

My father's family reunion is in Alaska this year.
My father has been my rock since I've been here.
I have to go to Alaska.
I need headshots.
I want to go out on auditons.
I'm scared to do the work.
I'm losing my passion because life is getting in the way.
I want to do this, I just wish there was an easier way.
God wants me to want this.
We are in a ridiculous recession.
I have 64 dollars in my checking account.
I am thankful to have a job.
I feel horrible because the time is coming soon to move on.
I feel really bad about that because they've been so great to me.
LA itself is not what I thought it would be.
I thought I would fall in love with the Hollywood lifestyle, but its not me.
I also thought I would have met my husband by now.
I hate not being rich.
I really hate being poor.
When will this end.
I have to fight for it.
I need encouragement.
I'm working my ass off now just to keep my head above water.
This will get better.
I have to constantly fight my slacker past.
I am constantly struggling with my low self-esteem.
Where I was last year and where am I now is like night and day.
This time last year, I fucked up my car three times and not including a horrible accident where I almost had no car.
I wiped out my savings because I had no control over my finances as result of my depression.
My hair was falling out from the stress.
My neightbors were calling the police on my roomate.
There was screaming every night.
Mike would have sex with me one day, then have sex would someone else the next day.
Then he would make them his girlfriend.
I would tell my problems to anyone who would listen.
I alienated all my friends.
I had a drinking problem.
I was in the darkest place I had ever been.
I cried myself to sleep every night.
I don't know how I would ever get out of it.
I never thought that I would be here typing on the computer about it.
I know what its like now not to have security.
Its scary.
Very scary.
But I have to do this.
I want to pay my father back every cent he's ever lent me.
I have to do this.

New beginning.

2009-01-25T15:25:00.000-08:00

Guess what. This is from my brand new beautiful home computer! So excited. You know how you get something new, you wait so long to get it and when you finally do; you kind of stare at it in disbelief for a really long time. This is what I'm doing now.

I wanted the computer because I need to start writing again; and I can start doing more research on my career. So now, here's the start of a new beginning; and I'm blogging; LOL.

I've been pretty out of it for the last month or so, being lazy and such. When my class is going on, I had so much energy, but its very "I don't want to do anything but go home and watch TV kind " of life. Its going to take me a while to bust out of that mindset. But its coming. I will keep everyone posted.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-07T11:14:00.000-08:00

Jesus, Okay, just check in about every what 3 months, because that is about the frequency i'm going these days.
I (finally) got a computer at home, but since I have no electricity in my living room it has not been hooked up. When it is, the frequency of the blogging will increase.
So my resolutions for the new year will be to

(1)stop letting people stress me out
(2)Stop being a lazy bum.

I swear, ever since I finished the groundlings class about a month ago, I have seen nothing but my cousin's couch and TV and my couch and TV. One thing about LA that I don't like is that it takes so much effort time and planning to do anything, that once you finally do it, its really not worth it.
For example, I want to attend an actors's workshop in Burbank. Its at 7 on a Tuesday. Burbank is 45 minutes away, rush hour 1.5 hours easy, parking at least 30 minutes. Unless I take off work early (which I can't do too often, because I don't have it like that yet, plus lack of paid time off), i can't make it. And the workshop is only an hour! Don't worry, I'll go. I just need to get up off my lazy behind.

Yeah, and that people thing. I let way to many people influence my judgement. That's an after effect from not having any self esteem whatsoever for most of my life. So as a result, my gumption comes in waves. Since I've been in LA and that whole Mike crap, my nerves are just shot. So whem something happens to sort of take me down, then something minor happens, its like a domino effect; thus causing crazy mood swings and depression. This will stop. I understand depression happens, but my God, when it hits it hits hard. I had the most awful relapse about 2 weeks ago and it did me in. All because I let someone else take my mood down.

And I turn 30 next month, I don't give a shit. I hated my 20's. I kind of hated my teens, too. I've been a neurotic mess in my teens and my 20's. I would like to have a decade where I actually have it together for once. Its coming. I definately dress better. And at 29, I have finally figured out how to do my hair, who knows whats next? Maybe I'll get a work ethic.

New random Tidbits.

2008-10-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

God I need to update this thing more often, its not even funny. I'm trying.

Good news, though. I am in a better mental place now than I have been in years. And by myself, without a man, without Mike. Begrudging I admit that this is the first time this is happened.

I finally have somewhat of a handle on my finances for the first time this year, thank God. The weight hasn't been completely lifted off of my shoulders, but one weight has been removed.

Mike and I are fine. We're still friends. Just friends. Thank God.

I'm not dating anyone for about a year. I haven't really lived in California or really explored it without Mike. So this is a good time to start.

I haven't full out quit Jcrew yet, just once a month for a little while. I'm okay with thi decision.

I am "fucking" registering for the Groundlings acting class, Nov. 10. Finances be damned.

Bear with me

2008-09-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, I have to apologize for my lack of posts this year, for those out there who still read them, thank you. This blog has been a serious part of me for the last 3 years, and because of all of the tumultuous events that happened for the past year and a half, I have neglected it. I got a fancy, dandy new phone, so I am now toying around with the idea of doing video posts, but we’ll see….My security level is not that high yet.
I want to be an actress, more than anything in the whole world…still. More than anything though, I want to be a successful actress. Successful, in the business, something! I’m just not satisfied, and I hate it.
So far through my trials and tribulations here, I feel that I have become a completely different person. Right now, I’m more relaxed, more responsible, and I feel that mentally I am the strongest I have ever been. But I am also, more pessimistic, more bitter, more neurotic, and even more insecure about my looks than I have ever been. Like I have stated before, when I lived in the south, I honestly did not give a shit about how I looked, and no one else did either. I just wore khaki’s and polo shirts every single day, flip flops, with my hair either in a fake bun or whatever. Nobody commented on if I looked nice or not, or my outfit, or anything. No one gave a shit. I miss that. Since, moving here, I have learned how to walk in heels (actually run in them), I have incorporated at dress that I wore to my sister’s wedding into my work wardrobe, and have not worn tennis shoes in at least the last 3 months. Is it because of peer pressure, perhaps? Is it because I am finally starting to give a shit? Maybe. But right now I’m caught between a rock and a hard place, but I am confused as to what’s really me.
I work for a law firm, my salary is meager, but I still make more money than I thought I would by now, but unfortunately I long for the days when I was temping last year. I got to see a new place ever day,. I’ve been to every part of Beverly Hills, I had freedom as to choose which days I want to work. And I got to do jobs where I didn’t have to think. I can just sit there and plot ways to further my career. But alas, due to health insurance, credit card, debt, and apartment hunting. I had to get a real job. A job that I like, a job I appreciate, but if I want to pursue my dream, which I still very much want to do, it’s a job that I will have to segue way out of.
When I first moved here, I longed for stabilty, steady job, apartment that I can come home to with no drama, being able to afford to get my hair done every two weeks, and now that I have it, I know eventually it will have to end and it sucks. I feel like I’m bitching here, but any and all comments are greatly appreciated.

All suggestions needed....

2008-08-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

I am restless. I quit my second job and I am going crazy. I quit so that I can get a life. So now I need to get one and I don't know how to do that. Like for real, I'm sure I'm PMSing right now, but I really need to get out and meet new people because the ones I know suck. Oh, yeah I'm broke. Any advice?

For those who have been wondering..

2008-08-01T13:06:00.000-07:00

I know I said that I would be continuing the whole dating rules post, but I'll do that next post, but I figure I'd take the time to address something I have been avoiding talking about the last two months... Mike.

And the status Mike and I...(drum roll)...we're friends (really) and we're fine.

Its kind of amazing how life throws you a bone after all that drama. When I moved out, Mike helped me move my stuff and after that I don't think I talked to him really for about a week or two. When I left, I literally felt like I don't care what happens to us, I'm indiferrent about it all. Fuck it, I talk to you, I don't, whatever. 1-2 weeks later, he's staying with his friend at the moment, he called me because a job that he had gotten resended their offer no reason. He was understandably upset, I came over we had a loong talk, he got on anti-depressants and we've been fine ever since.

Yes, he's still with his girlfriend. And no, I don't care. He can marry her for all I care. Do I love him? Sure, always will, but I know better now. But I guess that was the point for that living experience. To be honest, Mike does a lot stuff for me, he buys groceries, he fixes stuff in my house, he fixed my car. And nothing in our friendship feels forced or unnatural at all.

What sparked this change you ask? It wasn't him, it was me, I made my life completely about him, but I didn't want to deal with what I needed to do. That's why I went apeshit when he got with his girl. She fucked up my plans. I started caring about myself, giving myself peace of mind, and I stopped making my whole life revolve another person. I even stopped with all the dramatic behavior, stopped gossiping, stopped talking to these stupid ass boys, sleeping more, stopped going to orange county as much, and most importantly, I stopped talking on the phone, which was really the source of all my bitchy musings.

All I really want for him at this point is to get his shit together, and be successful, even if its without me. And to be honest, this is the most valiant ever I've seen him make. He's medicated, he's not on the phone as much, and he's not nearly as sporadic. Its almost like we both finally got a clue at the same time.

I really didn't think I could sort of march forward, unless I cut him out of my life. And this point in time, with my state of mind I would have no problem doing it, because I'm all about no drama these days. But in some weird way, God made so I didn't have to and I am grateful for that.

My Dating Rules Part 1

2008-07-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

I have had my fair share of "dating" experiences since I've been out here, partially because I've mastered the art of flirting, well, not really mastered, but I'm a hell of a lot better than I used to be. My cousin actually admitted she passed the amazingly ridiculously hard California driving test after with a failing grade, because she flirted with the test proctor. I am not, nor probably will never be on that level, but I have had enough dating experiences in the last couple of months to now acquire my own set of rules. I always joke about having these rules, but I have never actually written them down before. Its kind of long so I will split this up into two parts. No order of importance.

1. I will not date a man in the military.
I have a lot of experience with this type, I usually attract this type, but I will never do it again. I don't care how nice he is, or how financially stable he is, hell to the fucking no. No! Them fuckers are crazy. All of them.
I can even spot them right off, they see you, and usually very friendly and talkative, know why? Because they haven't seen a civilian woman in so long.

2. I will not date a man who is "financially stable" and lives with his mama.
Yes, this type exists. I understand people fall on hard times and you have to move back in for a little while, I undertstand completely. But if you are gainfully employed and live with moms, not cute. My favorite excuse, "my mother had a stroke, and I had to move back in with her to live with her. She's not ready for me to leave." Now, if your mother was really that sick, why on earth are you trying to get with me. And your mother does not want you to leave, bull. Of course, she does, she's just saying that so you will leave.

3. I will not date a man who is on the same level as me.
I'm not talking about financially either. I'm talking about in terms of life experience and emotions and what not. I'm so over, so over hearing this particular phrase, "I'm trying to get my shit together so I can..." Ugh! I don't want to hear it! I, me, am, trying to get to together so I can do whatever, but I just got here. Plus, if you are really getting your shit together, you wouldn't be talking about it all the freaking time. I want someone to learn and grow from, who is actually learning and growing, and who is not always on the freaking grind.

4. I will not date a man who has trifling ass friends and family.
This rule came from my cousin, who is about to marry someone like this. If your ass is a shining beacon of hope among every one you associate with that spells trouble. Yes, it is him not his friends and family who you are with, but on some level or another you are going to be around them in some form or fashion. A lot. And if there is not a single, solitary person redeeming personality in the lot, it says a lot about the person you are with, and trouble will ensue.

5. I will not date a man who cannot afford to date me.
Bitchy or not, if you cannot afford to take me out on dates, or not willing to, peace out. I have had enough home movie gatherings in my life to know I can stay at home. Plus, its just think its the tackiest thing in the whole world, to see someone and ask to come to their house..

6. I will not date a man with a baby mama
Not a man with children, with a baby mama. If you were married, got divorced, different, much different. But if you knocked up someone in the heat of passion, her ass is taking 75% of your check every two weeks. You need to get your situation sorted out, and another girl to go along with it.

To Be Continued...

And what makes me happy...

2008-06-19T16:58:00.000-07:00

And what makes me happy..drum roll...Being in the movies!!

So I've been in the new apartment for around a month now, and at the moment, I am happy to report so far so good. There are a few problems in the apt. that still need to be fixed, but because it is so quiet, and the new neighbors are respectful and nice. It is a very fair trade off. I'm still not living in LA next year though.

Don't want to speak too soon, but right now, Mike and I are fine. I guess our friendship is better because I'm not obsessing over him any more and I'm trying to do my own thing. He's trying to do the same, and as a result. We have been able to hang out with no drama. It's really nice.

My cousin and I are fine. I was upset at her because she told me something I didn't want to hear, but needed to hear. My sister in turn backed up what she said, except meaner. The reason I bitched so much for so long, is that I did not, repeat did not want to focus on myself at all. Hell, I didn't even take myself into consideration when looking for the apartment in the first place. So I basically locked myself in the house in my room, with nothing but me and the TV, and did not talk on the phone to anyone for a few weeks.

The most shocking thing about the whole devil house scenario is how much I alienated my friends with my constant complaining. I really had no idea at the that I was in so much pain, and to be honest, there is really nothing else that can heal you but time. The whole Mike situation snowballed because I really took absolutely no time to analyze what was really going on. Also, it was compounded with the fact that I made a huge error in judgement in getting the apartment itself in the first place, I didn't check it out as thoroughly as I should have, I didn't ask enough questions, and I wasn't even close to my usual responsible self, because all I wanted to do was play house with Mike because it would be the answer to all of my problems. And guess what? not only did the problems still persist, they got worse. Thus, , briefly temporarily me turning into my mother.

My BFF were having a conversation last night about regrets, and to be honest, the only real regret that I have is moving into that apartment. Isn't that sad? So much unecessary stress, but whatever, I'm outta there now. I just hope I'm not on the street next time. I rather be there than back in Satan's summer home again.

Exorcise the Demons

2008-06-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry its been so long, but I go away, i come back, i go away, I come back. That's life I guess.

So I moved out the house to my new apartment. The parking is kind of annoying, but its LA. Its weird. I've been through, a ridiculous amount of drama over the past year or so, so I am paranoid. Its not this huge relief like I thought it would be, probably because I'm expecting something bad to happen. And don't give me that bullshit about if you speak it, it will come into the universe. I thought living with the old lady was fine until I live there for a week and 50 million people were running in and out of the house...with keys.

I am in a different place with Mike as far as friends and such. We've only spoken regarding bills and/or sports. He's staying with his friend down the street. Whatever. That's all I have to say about that.

The self-esteem killer of the day came from **drum roll**, my cousin! I went to orange county this past weekend, first time in about two weeks. She texts message me at 5:00 this morning, and told me that she does not like to surround herself with negative energy and she feels that I give off too much. She doesn't answer her phone because she doesn't want people's energy to alter her mood. Now, I agree, I have become even more of a pessimest because of circumstances that happened in the last few months, but I am working my ass off to get my bearings back. She knows that more than anyone. But she only surrounds herself with positive energy are you fucking kidding me! This from a woman, keep in mind, who last August called the police on her fiance, because her choked her. Went to the hospital, and has a 3000 hospital bill on her credit because of her anxiety attacks. Her children's grandparents won't babysit them, nor will they visit her house and she's marrying into a deabeat family. But I'm the crazy bitch.

Also, speaking on such, I'm kind of over everybody being in love lately. Over it. I'm actually fine not being in a relationship lately, I'm just over my cousin, and people I'm around rubbing it in my fucking face. Like dude, I'm dating, plus I'm going to be screwed up for a long ass time because of this Mike shit. I know this. Let me be screwed up. Everyone at my second job has broken up or been dumped by their significant other, and they have all gone batshit crazy. Now mind you, my ass was BATSHIT PROZAC crazy when I was living in that house, and no one at either at my jobs knew it. I somehow managed to keep the crazy confined to public bathrooms and my room. Why can't everyone else.

I'm not speaking to Kita for a little while, because that cut like a knife. I'm also seriously going to make an effort to really confine myself to the solitude of my apartement and not talk to NOBODY, for a minute. Maybe the demons will exorcize themselves.

The Beautiful Loser

2008-05-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

I met guy. He's really nice, total perfect gentleman. So far we have had two lunch dates and one date to the Alicia Keys concert. He's fairly attractive, fairly smart, unattached but he's a little young acting. What's the problem you ask? I'm not attracted to him. And I keep trying to make myself.

You see, I am drawn to what I like to refer to as the "beautiful loser". Beautiful losers are really good looking men, who cannot seem to quite get their shit together finacially or mentally. Always down on their luck, always going through a hard time, always tortured. Can't quite ever figure out why life chose them specifically to receive shit end of the stick. Always beautiful. This formula has proved time and time again that it does not work for me. At all.
Did you know that the definiton of insane means that when someone does the same thing over and over again, hoping for the same result. Yeah, learned that on Ugly Betty.

I refuse to be one of those women who claim to be only attrached to "thugs", or "someone with an edge" or whatever. Its such bullshit. Basically all that means woman is attracted to someone who reinforces their own fucked up self-esteem. The relationship can't go anywhere but down. Trust me, I am an expert on this subject. It never works out.

Okay, so back to ol' boy. Not into him at all, can't really figure out why. He's a sweetheart, but he's a little young acting which is kind of a turn off, plus I have a million things going on in my mind right now, (such as my homelessness that will take place in about 2 weeks and the power bill I have to figure out how to pay) so I don't really know, Or lastly, but definately least is it because the sting from Mike still hasn't worn off yet, and I'm completely numb and don't even want to look at boys much less contemplate a relationship. Anyhoo, after lunch today, I decided I'm just going to be friends with him.

Its so funny how life works, I've been bitching about being single forever, and when the time finally comes where I am fully concentrating on handling my business, here they come.

I'd greatly appreciate some advice on this topic before I go into self-analyzation hell.

(Oh, did I mention he was in the miliary, for 8 years, yeah, that torpedoed that shit into friendship right then and there.)

Progress Made (?)

2008-04-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

So I have been venturing out meeting other guys, not to much avail. I met this one at the club about two weeks ago, we talked on the phone on and off for about two weeks. He kind of stood me up twice. The first time he was supposed to meet me at the movies when I got off work, I was going anyway, so if he showed up he showed up. When I spoke to him earlier that day, he said that he may meet me there and to call him when I got off work. So I did, and no answer. No big whoop. He called me this past Friday, he was in the area and he met me downtown by my job. We talked for a second and we discussed meeting up that Sunday after the Laker game, called him on Sunday, no answer. Whatever.

Another one I met at Starbucks this past Saturday, was crazy, but I spotted it early. First off, he had a USMC tatoo on his arm. Mililtary tatoo=crazy. Second, he was aggressively hitting on me, which never happens in LA=crazy. Third, asked him what he did, the first thing that he said was "a little bit of everything." Crazy. I gave him my phone number because I'm trying to take my therapist's advice to not be such a bitch anymore, but I didn't answer his calls. Or his texts, that came 10 minutes after I left Starbucks. Crazy.

Loverboy is gone until next week, and before he left, in a nutshell I told him I felt. Well, an abbreviated version anyway. I came home and he was playing around with me, and I got really pissed off. I mean really pissed off. I basically screamed at him that I was sick of his fucking smart ass mouth, and making me feel like shit, all while I took off my shoes and hurled them at his head. It came to a head when I took his electronic keys, and threw them against the wall, smashing them. I honestly did not mean to do that, but I got a strange sense of relief when I did. He was pissed and I was glad. I just got so sick of being pissed of all the time, it felt better that he was pissed for once.

The next day, it led into an argument about how violent and angry I've become. And he was right, I have, so I told him. I didn't tell him that I loved him. My exact words were, "I've done a lot for you for the past 6 years, and I care about you more than I like to admit, and you hurt me...a lot." When I said that, I think he was waiting for something else, but I believe that pretty much did the trick. Honestly, I'm glad I told him. It's kind of like I released it into the universe, instead of burdening myself and my friends all the time.

He said that he acknowledges that he had a lot to do with the way I felt, aka he led me on, and that he didn't intentionally mean to hurt me. I said I know. He said he was sorry. I said I know.

Truth is, I could care less what he does with his guilt or information, and I don't want to discuss it any further. I haven't had sex in months, because I'm tired of feeling like sex is the only thing I have to offer to hook a guy. This is the first time in my life, that I don't feel like having a booty call, that I actually want to get to know a person before I decide I want to have sex with me, and the men who want the instant gratification need to get over themselves.

The book coming soon...

2008-04-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

We got out of the lease. I have to be out of my apartement by the end of this month. I don't have to live with Michael anymore after the end of this month. Am I happy? Mmmm, its bittersweet. I don't have to deal with looking at the man I love and the woman he loves for another 7 months.

How did we get you ask? God, that's how. Long story short, we have been having problems with the neighbors parking, and when we called the landlord on them, they threatened us and him. So he let us out. Deposit back and all.

Its bitterweet because I'm still really, really depressed. My depression has gone though different phases. For a while, I was just really angry. Mad at myself for being the emotional trashbasket for so long, then mad at him for making me love him, and then coming to the realization that he never loved me back, then mad at myself because I didn't feel like I was good enough, I was pretty enough, sexy enough, girly enough, then mad at him him again for not giving me any respect and being a self-involved piece of shit. Like 6 years never happened. Man, I was angry. Now, I'm just really hurt. Just hurt about the whole situation.

Not to comapare my situation to anyone else's but this happens all the time. People get involved in each other's lives only for it to end. One may fall out of love with the other, or both may fall out of love. Kids sometimes are involved, money, property, and it gets pretty ugly. It just happens. It just does. That doesn't make it suck any less, though.

This phase has been the least physically challenging to deal with so far, I am able to eat and sleep a little with this one. I am far from reaching acceptance, it will probably be some years until I get there, but at the very least I want to move on. I want to not hurt anymore. I don't want to know why he didn't want me or what I could do. I just want to be normal again and go a week without writing a blog about him.

Accepting Singledom

2008-03-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Haven't had a boyfriend in 7 years. But I was in a relationship for 6. This is how I phrase it now. My state of mind changed. It doesn't quite sound as pathetic because one piggybacked off of another. Truth is I haven't had a boyfriend, because I was in a relationship for 6 years.

This is also the first time in about, gasp, 8 or 9 years, where I really actually feel single. And by single, there ain't nobody. No sex. I mean single in terms of no fuck buddy, no one that I'm messing with, nothing. I have been in deep, deep depressions because I thought that I was such as pathetic loser, so unattatractive, that no one wanted me for 7 years, but the truth I haven't been without a "relationship" for no longer than 2 months since the age of 20. I'm 29. Sexual relationships count as relationships.

Another truth, is that most the most part I have sabotaged a lot of my relationships from the beginning. Realtionships that where a couple could have actually been my boyfriend. I remember I was screwing the janitor in my building at the university, I totally turned that in a sexual relationship. I guess he was just trying to befriend me, but I pushed it, because I felt there was no hope for a future there, (aka so I won't get hurt). The only guy I have actually had sex with in California besides Mike actually had a girlfriend, and we were just talking, But as ususal I rushed the sex, because I knew there was no future. Plus, I only wanted someone around to take my mind off Mike. How it ended was that he was disappointed that I wasn't more limber during sex, he also expressed that my body would be so much better if I worked out.
Click.

I have to really accept my singledom. I never have before. Ever. Its lonely. But I am. Single. Sadly, it took Mike getting a girlfirend to turn things around. But it would still be so easy to think he's still mine, because the girl doesn't live in LA. And old me would think, oh when she's not around he's with me. Not very different as to what I thought to myself in the past, unfortunately. I can say that I won't be by myself forever, but I also have to accept that I may, and that has to be okay too.

Break Over....

2008-03-17T16:45:00.000-07:00

Mike a.ka. Loverboy got a girlfriend. One who he is madly in love with and wants to marry by the end of this year. And yes, I am miserable. I mean MIZ-ER-ABLE. I’ve been in this sadomashichistic relationship for 6 years now, torturing myself everday, and even more so by living with him, and this is how it ends? He gets to be happy? After all the wrong he’s done to me and the millions of other women in the world, he gets to live happily ever after? So not fair, but then again the world isn’t fair, that’s for damn sure. I have been a straight up basket case ever since I moved in that damn house, and this is the result. I’m leaving out a lot of the gory details, but in a nutshell, Mike doesn’t see me as girlfriend potential at all, he sees himself as his poor miserable friend that he has to bail out and help when he’s in a jam. Helpless friend by the way. helpless as in stupid. He doesn’t know me very well at all. I mean at all, and you have to seriously have to be a self-involved shell of a person to talk to someone every day for 6 damn years and not know them at all.

Truth be told, I am obsessed with this situation.Obsessed as to why he doesn’t want me in that way, obsessed as to how I can be disregarded so quickly, and obsessed as to why my self-esteem is so horrible that I actually want this boy to want me. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough or clueless, or why everything about me is wrong. We had a talk and I told him not to talk about her to me, because I don’t want to hear it. I can’t hear it, its too much. And I obviously loved him more than I thought. We’re barely speaking at this point, and it needs to be that way. In the same breath, I can’t believe how much I fucked up. It makes me sick to my stomach to go home everyday, knowing that I spent so much time waiting for this boy to love me, just to see him give completely of himself to someone else.

The break is over I will keep everyone posted.

Goodbye for Now

2008-01-24T16:44:00.001-08:00

As you can see my posts have become fewer and far between. Its been crazy lately. I've been a neurotic nutcase. Growing pains as one of my friends calls it. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to quit for a little while. I'm not gone, just on an extended break. Just in case anyone is interested in what's going on in my life, I'll check back for the comments on this particular entry, or you can email me at cookie21204@yahoo.com and I'll answer anything you want.

But ta-ta. And see you later.

Easy Random Tibits 2008

2008-01-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

1. New Year's Resolutions for 2008.
Be more secure with myself physically.
Get back in shape.
Everything else ties to these two things.
Be more vein.
This is such a looks oriented town, and for someone whom most of the tine does not care about their appearance, this is not good. I'm just not a girl. I want to be more of a girl. My cousin has to coach me on how to be a girl. We're going to go into that full force now.

2. Roomate situation.
Mentally, totally over him. It still stings when I see him with another girl, but I'm a lot more okay than I was in the past.

3. Date more.
I've suprisingly has two bad dates. But you know what, I am so grateful that I have gotten to this point where I can actually put myself out there, and not be obesssed over a certain someone anymore. Also, I actually got the balls to dump two guys.

4. Loverboy - Mike
Loverboy exists no longer, he is now christened with his real name.

5. Understand and accept myself, and I am a great person.
I am. I forget that sometimes. But we're working on that too.

Oh no....

2007-12-17T14:57:00.000-08:00

So the vicious cycle begins again. 5 and a half years running now. Same thing happened when we lived together earlier this year.

I hate him and myself for about a month for being so stupid for getting involved with this asshole. I cry to my friends, I cry in my sleep, and I have days that I just can't even work.

Then magically it disappears. I don't know if its because I start feeling better about myself, then start feeling better about my situation, or if I'm just a glutton for punishment, but I start getting infatuated again.

This time its a little different, we live together now, so a) My stupidity will be rubbed immediately in my face and b)it will be harder to avoid the situation at hand.

When you love someone, you don't just stop loving them. Its a fight. You have to constantly fight yourself and your feelings so you can move on. Its a battle that I have admittedly gotten a little cocky about over the last couple of days, but then comes this part, the part I forgot about...the relapse.

Didn't sleep with him, not a moron. That's a whole can of worms I would be opening up. But I wanted to. Why? Don't know. He's working his regular job again, and he's having stress, and trouble like a regular human being, and for the moment he's being reasonable, and seems truly sorry for blowing up at me last week. No women, at least in the house, for about 2 weeks now. In other words, he's being normal...for the time being. And its sweet. And I'm a fucking idiot.

Getting out of the lease can happen, but we'll lose a lot of money on the deposit, it looks like more and more that I will have to suck this up for another year. I've been strong so far.

Keep you posted.

Need Jesus.

2007-12-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

So the Loverboy situation is worse than I thought.. And here is my state of mind right now. Here's a copy of the email I wrote to my best friend. I think it pretty much explains everything.

"Mike had another girl over last night. One just left Sunday night. After realizing that this is going to be a more regular occurence than I originally thought, I realized how much of an idiot I was. I realized that I've spent the last 5+ years of my life literally obseesed with this dude for absoultely no reason at all. All I've done is ignored it, suppressed it, and made excuses for it. And to think about that along with the daily train of females running in out of the house makes me sick. Also, the most startling realization was also that, that was me. I was one of those females, and I subconciously kept believing that I was the only one.
This is hard situation to deal with because he never promised me anything as far as a relationship, not even dating. So its really not fair to blame him.
This morning was hard. I haven't slept in about 2 days and I cannot stop crying because I blame myself for being so fucking stupid. Everything you have said about me making myself indespesable is absolutely correct. I'm trying to get through my days, but I know now I'm not going to magically stop hurting overnight. I'm trying though."

I'll be honest here and say I moved in with him for selfish reasons, and its totally kicking me in the ass now. I shouldn't have done it. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I should actually voice these concerns out loud, but I really don't know what do.

Any thoughts.

Kimmy

More Sorry....

2007-11-29T10:44:00.000-08:00

I need internet at home!! I'll address a few topics really quickly and elaborate as needed at a later time.

1. Yes, loverboy and I are roomates. He's already brought a girl over, and I believe there is one coming over for the weekend. I'm dealing.

2. I'm really, really ready to move on. That's why I wanted to move in with him in the first place, so I can do so.

3. New job, so far is very quiet and calm. This is the first time ever that my worklife is calm, and my home life is chaotic.

4. Don't know if we'll be able to pay the rent this weekend. Hmmm.

5. Skin is 1000x times better.

6. Even though I left the bank, I came out of it with some new actual friends. That's a cool thing.

7. I believe I have an eating disorder. Just a tiny one.

8. I'm a lot more mellow now, having my own place and all. Still anxious, but I don't want to kill myself anymore from the stress.

9. As far as my roomate situation, I'm doing it for a reason, so I'll just pray, and things will come what may.

10. HBIC has not stopped talking about me since I left the house of Satan. I believe she was falling in love with me...

Miss you all!!

So, so, sorry..

2007-11-20T16:40:00.000-08:00

Drama, drama, drama. Still in the thick of it.
To be continued...

WTF is wrong with me?

2007-10-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

I've seriously felt like a crazy person for the last 4 or 5 days. I've been way more smart ass than usual. Very short tempered. Somewhat rude. Hardly any appetite. Just nuts.

I've narrowing it down to these reasons:
I'm not pregnant.Can't be. Let's move on.

Stress. The Loverboy apartment thing is really taking its toll on me mentally. I can't quite figure out why. Could it be I've been madly in love with this boy for 5 or 6 years, we're moving in together and its not romantically. Plus, there is this great apartment we're in the running for, and he's out of town still. Not his fault, family issues. But still just really bad timing. He doesn't even have internet access, so he can't fill out the rental information. I have to do it. Just like I have to do everything, lately.

I have to do everything. This is what happens when you're single in a big city. You have to handle your own business all the time. I mean all the time. With no partner. And its exhausting. This is the only time I really miss having a boyfriend. When there is no one there to pick out the apartment, chase down apartment managers, in between doing things like finding time to do laundry, do grocery shopping, cooking dinner, all in between a day off here and there with two jobs. And there's no one at home to offer to rub your feet, sit with ask how your day was. Just an empty house with no cable. I'm starting to cry as I write this so I think I hit a nerve somewhere.

Men So I met this guy who works at my store. He's new. He's a model/actor which is fine. Cute. He opened his mouth and completely turned me off. He was nice enough, seemed to be mentally competent and I believe he was in my age range. But he actually opened his mouth and said he only took this job so he can hang out with his friends, and he could give a shit about doing any work. His "friend" who works there is the biggest lazy bullshitter on the planet. So I turned and walked the other way when he wasn't looking. Between this one, and the guy who works at my job who cannot stop talking. I really can't help but to think I'm being to judgemental about guys. I can't even let myself try to lie someone anymore. I just don't trust it.

I don't know, I'm just so over everything. Just over it. Like I said in a previous post, I've never worked so hard in my life as I have here. I've gotten some happy breaks, thank god, and I am happy about them. But my extreme lack of personal life is really taking its toll.

The last days of the House of Satan

2007-10-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

7 days and counting, then I get to bust out of hell. It doesn't seem real to tell you the truth. I got my offer letter for my new job in the mail yesterday and it kind of made it more real.

I'm trying to shake that feeling that I'm done, that I made it, that I'm finished. I have a strong sense of accomplishment right now, but truth be told I have a very long way to go. I bitched and bitched until I couldn't bitch anymore, but of course, as always, God puts you through things for a reason. Almost every circumstance to this point, the poverty, the anger, the living situation, the extreme fatigue, got me to finally believe I was better than my situation, and to continue to strive for what I feel I deserve.

The highlights:

-Dealing with the HBIC everyday, really hammered home the point that everyone that is not going to like me, for whatever reason and that's okay. I have me, and I would totally hang out with me. I seriously could give a shit what other people think about me anymore. I needed that.

-Since I was sitting here all day just answering phones, I got to read a lot (and I mean a lot), especially a lot of self-help books that gave me fantastic tips on how to change my mindset in order to achieve success.
(My favorite? Think and Grow Rich: A Black Choice by Dennis Kimbro. Great for all groups, not just blacks. I'm re-reading it now.)

-I get to work at the Grove, I used to read about it all day every day at my old job, now I work there. Its a pretty fascinating place, not necessarily the celebrity aspect, but the people watching aspect. I love that there are so many kinds of people who pass through. Something I'm not used to living in the country for so long.

-I learned the power personal affirmations. My therapist told me say them and I never did because I thought it was stupid. That shit works. Like gangbusters. I don't even use them that much anymore, because I don't want to lessen their power. I just kind of keep them in my arsenal.

-I lost a ton of weight because of the stress and I'm going to try my super damnest to keep it off.

As far as having the long way to go:

-There is that small acting career that I kind of moved out here for. I'm auditing classes, but since I've been in extreme survival mode, the passion has waned somewhat. There are a whole bunch of actors who work at my part time job, as well as come in to shop and to be honest, I'm still working there to keep my passion alive.

-My skin has suffered. No sleep and no eating has taken its toll.Its going through a transition period right now. But it hurts to talk about. We'll move on.

-I'm tired. All the time. I've never worked so hard in my life, mentally and physically as I have in the last 7 months. I sort of feel like, since I'm making more money now, I can relax a little. But I can't. I just can't.

Guess what....

2007-10-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

I got an offer from an lawfirm that I interviewed with a month ago. I get to bust out of hell in two weeks.

Honestly, I'm happy yet I'm torn. Truth is I'm happy because I get to tell the house of satan fuck you about 2 months ahead of schedule. Sad, because since I'm so broke I have to push back my acting career on the backburner yet again.

Its bittersweet. Love that I have a real job. I can't do anything right now anyway, I have no headshots, no classes, nothing. That is going to take a while. Now I have to start from scratch and I can't do anything anyway. And I need the money. and the money is decent. I can sort of build up the nest egg. And I get to tell the bank fuck you, did I mention that already?

What do you all think?

Reflections......

2007-10-11T08:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still in the house of satan. But I hope to bust out soon. I am sure I will be gone before the end of this year. But it still sucks.

I go to audit my first acting class tonight. I am terrified. Really nervous. I am aware its just an audit, I am just going to look at a class, but this is the first actual step that I have put towards my acting career in hmmm. About 1 and 3/4 years? Not counting moving across the country to pursue it of course. It so weird because this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. What I was born to do. And just actually being within an actual class with other actors working in the business is just unreal to me. I can't wrap my brain around it.

Oh yeah, I am moving into an apartment in less than a month. And as of now, yes I am moving in with Loverboy. I am in extremely, extremely deep denial. Because A) I haven't had my own place in a over a year, and B) Here you can't just move into a place, and say "do, do, do. I don't like it. I'm moving out blah, blah." Its such a huge committment as well as so much money that if you screw up something such as the location, or misreading something on the lease. You're fucked. For a while.

Also, adding to the terrifying aspect I am moving in with Loverboy. When I moved out here, my selfish mind would always hope we'd get closer, but moving in together? I didn't really see that happening. Its still strictly on a friendship level of couse. But I don't know. I have always been the type as to when I'm at home, I'm at home, I'm in my room, eating, watching my cable, leave me the fuck alone. Plus, he's nuts so he can't stay in the house. So as far as conflicts, I'm going to try to avoid it as much as possible. Just knowing I'm going to have my own space in california, another thing I can't really wrap my brain around.

These last seven months have been so trying for me, to say the least. It's still difficult. It feels like seven years. And sadly, I have it good compared to some people. But like the pastor said in church, God puts you through storms to mold you into a better person, and he give you the light when he feels you can truly appreciate it and he's damn sure done that for me. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard. Let's just say, I'm necessarily a completely different person persay, but I look at my attitude no compared to when I first got here seven months ago and I don't know who the fuck that person is.

I Never Meet Guys

2007-10-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

Alright, so here's my annual bitch session about never having a boyfriend, taking on a new form.

You ever hear this before,
"Oh, I met this guy last night..."
"Oh, I was at the grocery store, and I met this guy..."
"Oh, I was out last night and I met this guy...."

Okay, I have never ever said that. Okay, I have said that, but I say that maybe once every hmm... 3 to 4 years? I don't understand how women even do it.

So I've been in LA for roughly seven months now, and this city is the relationship capital of the world. Especially working the mall where I work, I see couples coming in holding hands, the boyfriends dilligently waiting while the girlfriends try on clothes, and in some gross instances couples full on making out and groping each other in the middle of the store. Everyone is in a relationship here. Not that I'm bitter, just an observation.

Here's a startling admission. I really have no idea how to meet guys. At all. I know you're saying, "Oh its easy, you have a personality just go up and talk to them". Well, to be honest, I believe that hinders me better than helps me.

To clarify the previous statement, my friend Addam told me last year something that I resented very much at the time. He said, "I can see why someone like (insert random name here) has a boyfriend, because she's easy. She just is. You're not."

"What are trying to say Addam, am I too complex?"

"Not really complex persay, its just too much."

"What are trying to say, difficult? too smart? too neurotic, what?"

"Put it like this, no dude really wants to deal with all that."

Sadly, as retarded as this all sounds. I completely understand what he meant. And even more sadly, he's absolutely right. Right now, at this moment, I don't feel like I can be with anyone. Even the random occurences when I do meet a guy, and even more random when I meet one I actually like, its like when I open my mouth, its over.

Living here also, its also a hinderence the way I look. As I mentioned in earlier posts, the men are not too fond of the average sized full blooded black women here. And I'm about as average looking black woman as you can get. So unless he's a old non-English speaking Mexican man, or a really old white man with a slave fetish. I'm pretty much screwed.

My New Plan

2007-09-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

It had to come to me, and it did so this is what I'm going to do.
I have some money, (this is why God told me to stay at the University for 5 years, sick time check, and retirement fund) its not a whole lot but enough to get me thinking. If I'm not gone from here by the time I move which is November, I'm putting in the two weeks. I'm really unhappy. I can't do anything, i'm totally trapped. I can't just leave when I need to in order to a i.e. look for a job I want, or pursue any sort of acting interest. This is why I moved here, and I think God giving me that money is trying to tell me something.

I'm not going to be rash, because its hard to find a job here. But your thoughts are a little clearer, when you have just a tad more financial stability.

Please give your thoughts.

Dealing with the drama...

2007-09-10T09:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so no new job prospects as of yet. Had an interview on Weds., but you know how employers are this day in age, i.e. "Oh, we liked her but there was another candidate who was taller than her who can reach shelves, so we're going to go with her." Oh, and also, my boss put a bullet in another internal interview I had here, because she felt that "one of her people" was getting stolen. I'm in hell.

HBIC wanted to bury the hatchet with me. She pulled a friend of mine aside from next door and told her so. Don't get me wrong. This truce has nothing to do with me, it had everything to do with the image that we were portraying around the office. (I.e. The white people were getting a kick out of the two blck girls fighting). It bothered her, but not me. I have realized in my short time here that people have something to say about everything you do, from your clothes to your hair, to the car you drive, so just let them say it. I also got to the point where I stop letting her childish shenangians bothering me. What helped the most was when I stopped talking about it. I noticed the more I stopped talking about it, the less angry I got, the more I stopped caring. To the point that if she was talking about me like a dog in front of my face, I did not care. I pulled her aside and I told her that whatever animosity that I have toward her is squashed as of this moment, and all I'm trying to do is go to work and come home. I also said I'm not interested in events that happened in the past because I feel its no point in discussing them. She said that she did not want to have flashbacks of the last receptionist to which I replied, please do not compare me to her because I'm not her. And that was that.

My cousin and her boyfriend are officially engaged now. No comment. I don't really fool with them too much anymore since the fight. I figured seeing them on only a limited basis is best. And my cousin got the hint that I don't want anything to do with their outside people anymore (i.e. The boyfriend's friends, parents). I'm just happy I got my point across.

Loverboy is still loverboy. Don't really know what to say about that just yet.

Oh, and the love of acting is slowly but surely coming back. I guess it never really went away, I just needed a kick in the butt. There is plan that is slowly evolving, but there are some factors that need to fall into place, like hmmm.. a new job.

I forgot I wanted to be an actress

2007-08-31T09:03:00.001-07:00

If Loverboy wasn't good looking, he would be a scrub. This is fact. Let me just get that off my chest.

By some miracle of the lord, I got the day off yesterday. I had nothing to do so Loverboy and I decided to eat lunch. I'm not going to go in the trifiling sequence of events that happened yesterday, but let's just say it led me to that first sentence that I wrote.

Anyhoo. One the stops that we made is that he wanted to go to the SAG (screen actors guild) building to get a new card. But didn't just want to go, he wanted to explore it. Rather he wanted me to freak out because its the sag building. Actual actors walk around in here and handle their business. It's nothing but offices. He had a fit, because I was completely unimpressed by it. He said you been out here how long and you haven't taken one single class or one headshot, you forgot why you moved out here in the first place. To which I replied that you manage to take headshots every time to you get a paycheck, but you're homeless. Even though the argument itself is stupid as fuck, I see his point.

If you read this regularly, you all very well know how many times I have been beaten down and not being able to afford to eat. I have been through drama supreme ever since I've been out here. Its going to be awhile before I'm able to go full throttle in my career mainly because of poor planning on my part. In summation, it kind of hit me that I need more time to handle myself before any kind of career mentally and financially.

I still want more than anything in the whole world to be an actress. But in spite of everything, I feel ten times smarter about it now than I ever did before. I guess a lot of this was learned by watching loverboy and his struggles. He auditions all the time, but never books. He puts every ounce of his livelihood into his auditions. Auditioning is part of an actors' job. That's what you do, audition. Not that he won't book, but I believe that a lot of these casting directors look for someone who could care less if a person gets a part or not. I mean if you were a boss, would you hire someone who begged for a job? No, you would be suspect about said person wouldn't you? Whenever I hired a person on my last job who begged for it, they flaked out on me within the first month, or they act liked they owned the place when they got there. Because people don't beg really when they want a specific thing, they beg when they want anything. And I think that's the secret.

The Pick-up Artist

2007-08-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

Anybody ever watch that show "The Pick-up Artist" on VH-1?

Very telling as to how fucked up women are in the sense that, when a man is practically begging to worship the ground they walk on, and they throw them away like its nothing. We are not attracted to that at all, at least most women aren't, and the leftover are constantly bitching about how we can't get a man.

There is a guy that works here. He's a temp, and basically an office bitch. He's asked me out numerous times, comes out from his desk every time he sees me, and changed his lunch schedule so he can eat with me.

The problems? He talks too much. I mean too fucking much, one of my big pet peeves. So much to the point where the last two mornings in a row, I had to find creative "nice" ways to tell him to shut up. Two, he's broke. I'm completely unmaterialistic, but I'm broke too. Two broke people does not a good relationship make. Even if we dated, we'll spend the whole time either talking about how broke we are, and ask to me to chip in for the date. Yes, that has happened to me before. Couple of times.

And you know what completely killed it for me? I was in the kitchen yesterday making coffee and he handed me his phone number on a piece of paper. Just here call me. Didn't even give me the time to wonder if I want it or not. Like seriously, whatever curiosity that I may have had about him just died right there. To be brutally honest, it just seemed desperate. I'm trying to change my whole way of thinking when it comes to dating, because of the lack of success I had in the past, but almost like the flaws become so overwhelming that I don't want to be bothered.

But yet I'm madly in love with most narcissistic, emotionally unavailable person on earth.

I was watching the pick-up artist yesterday, and their whole method of teaching has a lot to do with the fact that when you first meet a women you're whole persona should sort of say to the woman that you're not really interested in them. That you're here to have a good time, and if you meet a woman then whatever. The minute that the man or his body language gives away that they have zeroed in on their target, then we're done. We're not interested. In other words, we like the chase just as much as men.

I think about the men I have yearned for in the past, and with the exception of the fluke that was my ex-boyfriend, every single last one was emotionally unavailable. The entire time I messed with them, I had absolutely no earthly idea if they were into me or not. Loverboy is no different, he flings that yo-yo and snatches it right back up and holds it. 5 years running now.

I know it has something to do with being scared of relationships. I am deathly afraid of them, no lie. It has everything to with my parents fucked up relationship growing up, my cousin and her ticking time-bomb boyfriend now, and the awareness of my codependency and how it will play a part in my relationship.

For these reasons, and several others, I am cool by myself for now.

Slowly creeping along....

2007-08-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

I've taken severly pro-active steps to getting out of hell, so I guess that's a good thing. I am contact with two headhunters right now, so hopefully something will loom on the horizon soon.(We'll start calling the black executive assistant, HBIC for time purposes.)

HBIC has been nice to me for the past two days. Freakishly so. She offered me two of her old suits as a peace offering, WTF? I know, I think its a bunch of bull and it will only last like 2 days, but you know what? I'm so tired of being pissed off literrally every single day, that I surrender. My white flag is waved. I won't be here forever, so fuck it. It's too much work avoiding people, and being an asshole to prove a point, so I will do my best to make nice from here on out. That's not a promise, though.

My cousin and her boyfriend seem to be doing better. I'm not going to really comment on that anymore, because whatever. I have my own drama.

The financial situation is inching along nicely. The second job has helped out immensely, mentally and physically. Its nice to actually be around people who are going through sort of the same thing you are, and its also nice to have something else to concentate on after I have my hell days here. I find myself not thinking about them as much, thus removing myself from the situations more. If you want to get techinical, I have three jobs because I babysit for Loverboy's roomate a couple of times a week. I even bought new shoes yesterday (what?). Don't get me wrong, I'm no where close to having moving out money, but with the retirement check coming in whenever it comes. There is definately light at the end of the tunnel.

Loverboy and I have decided we will get an apartment together. Yes, techinically its a bad idea but financially it just makes sense. He had a roomate who had trouble paying bills before and is still in debt because he paid all of the utilites, so I know he won't screw me on money. In fact, I believe he'll try to over control it. Financially speaking, I do trust him. As far as the girls coming in and out of the house, that's a small price I'll have to pay for cheaper rent because here, it's no punk.

Tired of being sick and tired

2007-08-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of bitching about my job. Tired. Over it. All this shit that I have been stressing over is so stupid. Just freaking dumb.

If I was running a multi-million dollar production company, do you think I really need to care if my workers think I'm nice?

Does Tyler Perry worry about people saying he's gay?

Does Oprah give two shits about 50 cent saying she acts white?

Has Cathy Hughes (owner of radio one) even a given second thought to people who berate her for not hooking them up with for a job?

Does Tyra Banks even care about the endless barrage of insults that she endures on a daily basis even though they're well deserved?

Has Bill Gates even thought about how stupid people thought he was when he left Harvard?

The answer is a resounding no. These people I'm sure get shit every single day on a much deeper level. Think about the people who have the endure this who have to feed their kids or take care of a sick parent. People just get shit. Most of the time its for the dumbest reasons you can think of. You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. The only thing you have control over is your attitude towards it.

Right now, I don't consider myself the most confident of people, but my self-esteem isn't circling the toilet like it was. Right now, a lot of people do not like me here. My attitude before was more angry. Because I'm not an ass-kisser, I just became hellbent on not becoming an ass-kisser resulting in bitching all the time about how I refuse to conform. It was a selfish attitude, because I worried about them just as much as they worried about me. Over stupid shit.

I also need to stop letting the attitudes of others influence me so much. I need to stop comparing my situation to the plight of other people, to make me feel better. Its almost if I can get other people to say such and such is crazy, then I'll feel better that I'm not. Just have an epiphany as to how stupid it all is, block that shit out, and keep it moving. I won't be here forever. I don't have to deal with these people in my personal life. There are some really nice people here despite all the crap. This shit is nothing. Treat it like its nothing.

Escape from Hades. The End is Nearer than I Thought.

2007-08-02T15:16:00.000-07:00

This post is to let you all know, I'm about to be let go from the job.
No, I haven't done anything wrong. No, I didn't cuss anybody out. No, strangely I didn't do anything wrong to my knowledge. I stopped talking to the black executive assistant. I saw what kind of person she was and I cut that shit off quick. I don't kiss her ass, and basically she wants me gone. Isn't that sad? She told me today that everything I say to her, she would talk to my boss. AKA If you piss me off again, if you fuck up, I'll tell you're boss so you're getting fired. I had no idea I had that kind of control over people. I also I knew that this day would come so I will be temping again soon.

God gave me that job at J-Crew because he knew the end was near. He gave me insurance immediately because he knew I needed it. He knew. He also probably knows how freaking prideful I am, how I would never quit on my own accord I would just take it because I needed the money and damn my self esteem. I have been bitching about this job every chance I get and its been 5 months. When a job takes over your soul like this, time to go. Last time, I was fired from a job it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me. I didn't think that at the time, it was the end of the world, but it was the same exact situation. I was unemployed for 2 months and then I got the job at the University, after 6 years, I had to make myself leave it.

Thank God for my friends, my sister, and my father. God has put some truly wonderful people in my life because I have a few people to call when I need help, and boy have they helped. I just hope that I get into a good enough financial position soon where I can return the favor.

Tumultuous Weekend/Day 6-Escape from Hades

2007-07-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

I apologize in advance for the length on this post, but in all fairness this shit has happened in a span of 5 days. Its no wonder I have lost 12 pounds, and still counting.

Well, this has indeed been an interesting weekend. Where do I start.

My godmother called to tell me that I am hanging out with my cousin too much and I need to get a life. She said that her boyfriend was going to try to sleep with me and it was going cause a bad situation. She also said that I need to stop turning against my family. It was like my mother was speaking through a ventriloquist's dummy. That was Wednesday.

I called in sick on Thursday so I can go to orientation for Jcrew. I actually was very nervous because I never called in sick before, never had to. I just never had a job where I had to fake sick to get off for something. Its right across the street and if someone happened to be over on their lunch break and they spotted me, my ass was gone. So I wore a hat and sunglasses when I was walking in. Well worth the lie though, for a part time job in a mall, its 10.50 an hour plus benefits, the discount is unreal,after sixty days I get $200 worth of free merchandise, and I love the clothes. Am thinking seriously about quitting here to work full time there. That was Thursday.

I don't remember if I have spoken about the black executive assistant here who I couldn't figure out if I can stand or not. Well, long story short, she asked me to do to call her about something, I got busy doing something else to the point where I couldn't, she got an attitude, I got one right back, so she calls herself giving me the silent treatment. I had trouble figuring out whether I liked her or not anyway, because whenever we were "cool", when she did talk to me, it was always about her, her hair, her 40,000 car, her men, all about her. And you all know, if its one thing I cannot stand its a fucking self-involved attention whore. I guess this means good riddence. That was Friday.

I was over my cousin and her boyfriend's house this past weekend, like I am every weekend. I literally went outside to get groceries, when I came back the police we're there. In a nutshell, and I'm not making this up, my cousin answered his work cell phone because it wouldn't stop ringing, so it might have been an emergency. She told him this very fact, and he went ballistic. To the point where she called 911 on him. I was watching her daughter, trying to get outside to get out all the drama, when he calls me into the room. My cousin has taken his car keys and his ATM card because she doesn't want him to leave. He wants me to get them back. I try to leave, he closes the door. I am scared for her at this point because I know from experience when somebody is that crazy, there is nothing you can do, so I beg her to give him his keys so he can get the fuck out. Her name is on his car, so she refuses. He asks me to drive him to a motel. Keep in mind there is a 3-year child in the next room, who I am trying to keep out of this. I drive him to a hotel. Nothing happens, he is actually very considerate towards me the whole time. My cousin is a wreck, and I took care of her the rest of the weekend. That was Saturday.

Went to church, it was great. Realized that a lot of things in my life sort of slid downwards when I stopped going to church. My poor cousin, it was like the pastor was speaking to her. She is being strong, I offered to leave early, so she can have time to herself. That was Sunday.

Final thoughts? The boyfriend is unstable as hell. Not this first time he's gone off that way. It's easy to just say that I see it because I'm around so much, but the first time I ever met him, and came to visit them when they used to live in Indiana, he blew up like that. Its always over something trivial, always. Its easy to say I'm leaving when you don't have any kids together, but when you do and they actually love their father, its harder to say peace out. He's not going anywhere. I love my cousin dearly, she's the sweetest person in the world, but there is no way in hell I would be with someone who gets angry like that out of nowhere.

As far as the job stuff? I am praying for a better one as we speak. Even though I'm just a receptionist, the corporate world is not for me. I loathe it, and I feel in my gut the end is near whether I want it to be or not.

God this is long. I am so sorry.

Day 1 -- The Escape from Hades

2007-07-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

I actually got to go home this weekend, thank god. It was great. I realize now exactly why it took me so long to leave in the first place. Because its easy. It's so easy.

Addam and I had this discussion when I went home. We're losers. I always talked about other people like dogs when I went home, how much of a loser they are and how they aren't doing anything with their lives. Without realizing all this time, that was me as well. I became a loser while I was there. Charging up credit cards, eating out 2 or 3 times a day, wearing literally nothing but khaki's, polo's, and flip flops every day, and not putting forth any effort whatsoever to become an adult. I kicked it for 6 years. And that's all that mattered.

Yeah, I hated it and I wanted to leave, but in retrospect I really didn't hate it all. I just hated myself for getting so damn complacent. Two bedroom apt. souped up cable, paid for car. Allowed myself to accept mediocrty from myself and others around me. Didn't want to leave. Why should I? I honestly could have lived like that for at least another 2 or 3 years.

The circumstances surrounding this trip were in turmoil becaus I had applied for a loan processor job here in the house of satan. I only did it for money, I had been here for a couple of months, I showed up on time everyday, I knew the job was trainable, and I already knew everyone. I thought what the harm? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Apparently they don't like me back there, they really have no reason to since I don't talk to them really, therein lying the problem i.e. I'm not one of them. The manager of the department is hmm...not my cup of tea. He's one of those boss types who likes to pretend that he's a nice person, make lame jokes with people and shit, but in reality is a huge asshole. For me, if you're going to be an asshole, be an asshole. At least, I'll have a chance to get used to it. He told me during an interview, that he didn't care if I was a superstar, no matter how well I did my job,if I didn't fit in then I wouldn't last very long.And I need to dress older. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of my time here in the Satan house. Life has been hell here ever since. If I got that job, I couldn't go home for Daddy's reunion, and I called him crying when I told him. I've never not wanted a job so bad in my whole life. I prayed that it wasn't offered to me so I can get to go home, because it killed me to let my father down. God is always right on time.

Also, I got a part-time job that I so desperately need, but thanks to the asshole people nature of LA, the HR manager refuses to do orientation on the weekends or during evening hours so I have to call in on Thurs. (convincigly) so I can go to work at my other job.

So what's my plan of action? The financial situation is still bleak, but depending on how this week goes, there will be relief soon. With some extra income coming in, I should be out of the room for rent in about 2 - 3 months. Having my own place with cable tv, even if its a shack, would make a huge difference. And I have some tricks up my sleeves for busting out of hell too.

Keep you posted.

More mis-adventures at the club

2007-07-16T08:43:00.001-07:00

So yes, here's another episode of my mis-adventures at to the club. For you few who have not read my musings before, I hate going to the club. But at the same time, I'm fascinated because its something new every single time I go.

I went to the club in Long Beach with my cousin, her boyfriend, his best friend and his wife. The boyfriend's BFF and his wife got into a huge argument while waiting for us and there was tension between them all night. My cousin got upset that some girl was sexy dancing in front of her man, and kept sitting next to him accidently, so she proceeded to slob him down in front of him and almost got into a fight with the girl. Which further supports my theory as to why couples should not go to the club together, it's asking for trouble.

The music was boring, there were all old people there, and there were absolutely no single attractive men under the age of 40. I take that back, no single attractive men at all.

Here's an interesting tidbit. Not a single black male approached me all night, not one. Not unusual for LA, they don't like us here. The random drunk person who decides I'm the one for him and decides to fixate on me all night was white (ghetto white boy), said that he was here with 4 black guys and they all refuse to mess with black girls. Too much drama, he says. Its weird. Keep in mind there are these are not the creme de la creme of black men, their old, overweight, wearing T-shirts and air force ones to the club, they avoided, me, my cousin, and the wife like the plague, and we were sitting by ourselves the whole night. It sucked.

And I am no longer in the wedding that I promised to be in, thank God. Long stupid ass story short, the bride's sister aka maid of honor tried very poorly to hit on my cousin's boyfriend (and yes, she knew they were together) thus her not being in the wedding and me following suit. Tried to get my deposit back on my bridesmaid's dress, manger saying no refunds on deposits, leading to the ugliest cuss that I have unloaded on a person in a very long time.

I'm over Loverboy, said it before I didn't believe myself until now. Without going into ugly ass detail, he basically proved point blank that he wants nothing to do with me romantically, and I am suprisingly okay. Like really okay.

And this now is going to be my solemn vow, I will never, ever, ever do something, in my gut that feels wrong ever, ever, again.

Weirdo

2007-07-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

So I've come to this conclusion recently. Yes, I'm a weirdo. I've actually come to terms with it. Most people who come into contact with me are going to think I am weird. It's okay. The reason I have recently accepted this is because I have moved to another state, started over with different people, and I have still gotten the label that has plagued me ever since grammar school. Weirdo....

Let me clarify this first of all, I don't think I'm weird. At all. My best friend since high school does not understand why people who went to school with us have always thought I was weird. My cousin who has known me my entire life, says I've always been weird. But she has always known it and accepted it. Most of my friends who I have met later in life are gay men, most people would probably think think that's weird. But I don't, I think its just fine.

In light of recent events, most people are stupid. All of you all probably have figured this out already. This is just my first time actually saying it out loud. Thank the lord, I have gone through enough crap in my life to not be like this. They're very banal, revolve their lives around the dumbest shit, and can pontificate for the longest amount of time about events that I didn't know you can describe for more that two sentences.

For the record here's a short list of why people think I'm weird,
(For lengths sake, I'll keep the explanations to a minimum)

1. I'm quiet.-Some people just don't talk a lot. I'm one of those people. Mostly I don't talk about myself very much. I didn't know you were supposed to.

2.I don't react to people.-I swear, you can sit there and tell me what you may think is the funniest joke in the whole world, if I don't think its funny I will look at you with straight stoneface and not even fake laugh. I think it pisses people off that they can't really get a read on me.

3.I don't talk about myself-Most of the time, with most people, I can't get a word in edgewise. I just think facets of your personality are something your friends or people who want to get to know you should discover on their own, not something you should blab about nonstop.

4.I'm smart-Upon meeting me for the first time, you'd probably think I was dumb, because I don't go around advertising it like some folks. Sometimes I see it as a character flaw, because I don't strive to work for Microsoft or something. But it's given me shit my whole life.

5.I'm self-aware-The gay boy(I promise to write about that one day) breaking up with me 5 years ago ended up being probably the best thing that ever happened to me because I sure as hell wouldn't be the person writing this blog. I don't care whether you're friends with me or not, I'm totally okay with being by myself. For example, the new season of Psych starts tonight on USA and the only way I'll miss that is if I see Harry Potter. That makes me glow.

Honorable mention: I like Harry Potter, would never date a thug, can talk for hours on end about acne and Shia Labeouf, don't even get me started on the movie dorkiness I can discuss them all the way down to art direction and plot holes.

Does all this seem weird to you?

2007-07-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

The House of Satan

*stupid blogger won't let me write a title*
So I am currently working in Satan's house, its official. It's the house of Satan. Evil dwells in the house. I am really stressed out. Plus, this job is not doing anything to relieve my financial status; which means no fall acting classes. My hair is breaking, I'm sick. Something's gotta give.

Pros:
I've been writing a lot. I've been reading a lot. I'm learing a lot about the way the world really works. How devious and fake people really are. My interest in trying to conquer the corporate world has completely waned. It's all about being an actress for sure.

It also pretty much saves your life to have something that you're passionate about, otherwise these jobs will get to you. When these people raise their noses at me, the first thing I think is, "What do you clear maybe 80 - 85 a year? Chump change. You can go ahead and hide behind your desks if you want, You have no idea how much richer I'm going to be than you one day. Richer than everyone in this bank combined." And I feel better, because I know it's true.

Success takes a lot of hard work. Duh, right. But you don't know unless you actually start experiencing all the bullshit you go through to start living your dream. I still don't know what possesses me to do this. Most people who make that kind of money independently, work hard. Really hard. That's what I'm trying to do.

Cons:
People suck. I'm so anti-social its not even funny. I applied for another position here, for more money, of course and the managers of that particular department told me to my face, that I dress to young, and no matter how hard I worked, I would never fit in. A little inappopriate during an interview don't you think? God, forbid that they hire me because I'm qualified for the job, but because I don't go around laughing at jokes that at stuffy old man jokes that aren't funny nor do I fake laugh, I don't fit in. Jesus, help everyone that I come on time and do whatever is asked of me. Just ri-damn-diculous.

I'm still in credit card hell, but I'm managing. I realize that this job as well as my living situation are a means to an end, and its this trouble is just temporary. It's not forever. Just until I get on my feet.

Everyone begin praying in unison that I get a better paying job soon, so I can get out of the seventh circle of hell.

The journey lives on...

2007-07-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

Excuse the babbling, its been a journey here so far. One that hasn't let up yet.

Let’s start today out on a highly superficial note. I have given up sugar completely. I am a sweets addict. I don’t what it is about this polluted LA water but it has wrecked havoc on my skin. And I don’t know why, but every time I even look at sugar now, my skin erupts into this pimple filled volcano. I even started using proactive and it made it worse. Its looks like it’s trying to do something to improve now, but still it was touch and go there for a minute, and yes, my vanity is completely out of control.

I had a fun weekend. I needed this weekend. Last week was rough, in fact this whole depression period has been rough, but I actually did things to keep myself occupied that didn’t include charging my credit card with clothes I don’t need to fill that void in my life. It felt good. I'm going to start doing that from now on.

This weekend, I went to a water park for the first time, which meant I had to wear a swimsuit in public for the first time. I was terrified. But you know what, have you ever been to the beach? Nobody, and I mean hardly anybody is in shape. They go out there, they put on that swimsuit or two-piece, cellulite ridden or gut be damned, and they go swimming. After a while, even though I felt like I was walking around in my underwear, I didn’t care.

I don’t want to speak to soon, but Loverboy seems to have done a complete turnaround these last couple of weeks. Once again, I don’t want to speak to soon, but he’s actually very sweet. He’s not just having a sweet moment. He’s has his issues, just like myself, but he’s dearly sweet person, whose trying very hard to get himself through a rough time and I am glad that God put him in my life.

A Quick Note

2007-06-26T14:11:00.001-07:00

Wanted to make the announcement that I have started working on my first short film. I actually started writing it, still have to do the research on financing and such. But I actually came up with a concept to say the least.

In other news, I'm still to broke to buy lemons from the farmers' market.

It's official. I'm miserable

2007-06-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

So truth be told, I am unbelievably depressed right now. I hate when so much stuff going on that you don't really know where to begin. I'll try to go in order of importance.

I'm having family trouble. I'm actually going to avoid talking about this because I'll start crying.

I hate my job. That's the first time I've actually said it out loud. I'm grateful to have one, but it's demeaning. I'm a recepetionist. Not an office assistant. Not and admin. assistant. A receptionist. I know I want to be an actress and all, but I hate sitting down all day, I hate not doing anything worthwhile. I hate the money. I am completely aware I'm being a total brat, but I don't care. I took this job, truthfully, is because my temp agency has been so good to me since I've been here, I didn't want to disappoint them by leaving this one and taking another. Hence leading to my next point.

I'm too nice. I do things solely not to disappoint other people. God forbid they don't like, or have a less than positive opinion of me, but that's just the way I am. It is something that will have to change. I agreed to be in a wedding this weekend. For a girl I barely know. Why do you ask? Long story short, I was doing a favor for my cousin who also begrudgingly agreed. Plus, I'm bored. Need something to do. Which leads to my next point.

I'm lonely. I used to always make fun of people who say they were lonely, because I felt sorry for people who are not comfortable with themselves. Well, jokes on me now. Its different here, unlike what you see on tv, i.e. Most LA people being single and fabulous, everybody is in a relationship here. And you're weird if you're not. At least that's the way I feel. My cousin, who was supposed to be my roadog, braving Cali together, is pretty much completely devoted to her boyfriend at this point. As well she should be. But she doesn't want to go anywhere unless it has something to do with him and his friends. Me not having a life, just follows along. I'm not a follower. But I slowly feel like I'm becoming one.

The financial difficulty is just the icing on the cake.

My spirit is broken, I need to regroup. I need for it to hit me how I can start living for myself again, and start my way down that path to making it life. I guess you have to feel like this in order to start believing.

The first ever double post...I'm broke/I'm going to be single forever

2007-06-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

I'm broke

I don't know if I've ever been that open about my money problems before, but I guess I will now.

I'm broke. Who isn't right? Well, I am included in the most elite of the broke. Summary breakdown of my expenses?

Rent $600
car note $345
insurance $98
I owe the government $500
credit card bills from "emergencies" because I make no money...$1 million dollars.(not really, but close to it).

So I guess I could get a second job right? Wrong, I worked two jobs for three years and it didn't make a dent in my finances. Budget? okay, I have been lately. I made a commitmment to myself that I was going to get my shit together all summer so that I can start acting classes in the fall. Well, considering where I live and all the unexpected things that come up, (i.e. the flat tire I got last week, the $100 I still owe loverboy) its hard to do so.

My job? Pays nothing. I've never made money for real. Ever. As far as a second job, well it took me forever to get this one so I can't imagine getting another one that has to fit into a schedule. I'm not ruling it out completely, but its just I've been there and done that. And the more money you make, the more you spend.

The hard truth? I have been on roughly 15(?) job interviews and my already waning self-esteem was crushed a little with each one. Always the same shit, always the same protocol, always going with a internal candidate making the preparation as well as the trip itself a waste of time.I'm very grateful I can pay(or pay on) my bills, and I see this job as paying my dues and such, but I'm worth a lot more than this. It really disheartens me that I see so many people, people who I'm smarter than, people who don't know the meaning of working hard, get ahead based on the fact that they knew someone, or they just plain got lucky. I am very aware that the world is not fair, but screw that. I'm tired of the world not being fair, and I am so sick of the people who deserve the most getting the shit kicked out of them.

And scene...

I'm going to be single forever
Dude I spoke about in my last post? Done.

Summary. Met me for drinks on Sunday. Saw him there drinking, drunk out of his mind. Depressed more than anyone I've ever seen.Turns out the only reason he invited me in the first place is because he needed someone to pay for his drinks. He left his card at another bar. Didn't know this until after I got the bill. He said that he had money at his house and he would follow me to mine to give me the money back. He went in his house. I took off. Haven't seen or heard from him since.

Found out yesterday from his friend that he saw his ex-fiance with another man the day prior to our gathering. And apparently he's suicidal because of it. Not funny, but kinda funny. The bitch in me admits that.

Needless to say, my record remains intact. So girls, if you want to find out if your man is crazy or not, have him around me for about a day. Trust me, its like dracula turning ordinary humans into the undead.

I need some help....

2007-06-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

So maybe you all can help me.

I'm seeing someone...blah, blah, I know don't get your panties in an uproar it ain't all that. When I met him, I didn't feel that overwhelming attraction that I usually feel with guys I "like". He said all the right things. I heard from his friends that he was a really good guy. He has a good job, his own place, and no kids. Hallelujah.

The bad. He was engaged 3 months ago. His fiance all but left him at the altar. He's not over it. He drinks everyday. So far in the past 3 weeks I've known him, he's stood me up twice, I had to push him off me on our first outing because he was a little to drunk and got too handsy (for which he slept in the car for), and I actually had to buy drinks yesterday because he got too drunk and lost his credit card. Sounds like a winner, huh.

It's pretty obvious he's not over that girl. It's lonely out here, so I'm trying to be patient as possible. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if i'm going to break up with him via voicemail, passive aggressive not returning phone calls, or tell him straight to his face. I've never dumped someone in their face before. I practiced my speech too, it goes something like this:

"I really like you a lot, so this is really hard for me. But it seems like your head isn't in this. Maybe some other time when you're ready to try this for real."

Sounds good right? I'll keep you posted.

An All New Random Blog Tidbits Post!!

2007-06-01T14:26:00.001-07:00

1. I swear I have gotten so ridiculously vain since I have moved here. I have spent at least the last 7 years not giving a shit about what I look like when I left the house. Now I can barely afford my rent, but my hair and nails are done every week.

2. In, yet another case of my rotten man luck. I met a guy on Saturday. A really nice guy. I never meet nice guys. Ever. It sucks because this one actually had potential. Turns out, he just got of a really bad relationship. Like, girl left him at the altar bad. 3 months ago. Told him to call me when he works through his pain.

3. Loverboy is moving back home. Like out of LA, back to the south home. He says its only for a couple of months, but honestly I don't think he's coming back. Its okay. I figured God gave us enough time for me to live with him, fully understand him, save some money to get my own place, and start my life here. I will always be grateful for what he did for me. But he needs to work out his demons on his own now, or at least with someone else.

4. Loverboy's roomate and I officially hate each other. Not that we didn't before, but Loverboy has to keep us seperated now. Fucking asshole.

6 months....

2007-05-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

6 months...That's exactly how long I'm giving myself to find another job. The bank bought me out so now I am actually am employee with 401K, health insurance, and everything. My title is switchboard receptionist. I hate it .

Truth be told, it is a huge relief to have some sense of security. I have more money coming in, I can actually move out of my place of residence within the 8-month timeframe that I created up for myself, I can start taking some acting classes in the fall, I can get my hair done every two weeks, and I can go home in July without worrying about if I will have a job when I get back. I wish it was a little more dignified. I wish it was a hot shit job with a lot of money so that I can really go to sleep at night. But its only temporary, and I mean it. I will never, ever, ever, eva eva eva eva eva stay at a job again for that long that I absolutely hate. Broke, bills or not. Its just not worth it. Since I have the experience of doing that now, I will never, ever, do it again. Did I say never ever by the way?

As far as insurance goes, it does not kick in until September, freaking September! Which means somehow, I'm going to have to come out of the pocket and pay Cobra $345 a month for the next 3 months!! Its not happening. Its just not.

Since I did temping for so many months now, and built somewhat of a good reputation with them, if I fuck up somehow and get fired here I can go back to temping. So it relieves a lot of stress from me to be attempting to be miss perfect all the time. Which I have been known to do. I actually need to save quite a bit of money from each check that I recieve instead of saying "ooh, I have $50 dollars left from this check, that's enough for like some decent pants and some shoes!!!" which I have been known to do...A lot.

In short, I am marking today as the first day until I find a new job. May 21st. That gives me until November/December-ish to get my shit together. I'm determined, so let's all start praying now.

The Deprogram

2007-05-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

Its been an interesting journey so far since my move. I have learned more about myself in the last 3 and a half months than in the last 2 years. To summarize what I have learned about myself per a converstation with my cousin: I have absolutely no self image, I cannot make a decision on my own, and I have only gotten this far in life because I'm good at being told what to do.

I have never spoken about my upbringing on this blog before because it (a)makes me angry, (b)I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and (c) I am trying to deprogram everything that I was taught growing up. In short, my father used to be a domineering asshole (he's evolved greatly since then, thank god), my mother was a doormat for him (still), my sister and I hated each other for most of our lives, end of story.

I guess they did do something right, because I am fairly normal to the naked eye, but that's only after many, many years of being on my own. I guess you would never know it because of this blog, but I am by nature a very quiet person. Introverted, almost. I have a lot of trouble speaking my mind. I feel nautious when I know I there is a confrontation. Even though I will never admit it out loud, I have a problem with people not liking me. The reason why is because most of my life, I never had any friends. The highlighted reasons being: I was by myself a lot, hence I didn't really react to people...still don't, hence people thought I was weird. If I met a friend I wasn't allowed to hang out with them, and also if I met someone that was cool, something always happened where they either moved away, or just plain outgrew me. All girls school. No boys in my life. Even as friends. If so, always cussed out by my dad. The one and only boyfriend was chased away by my dad at age 17 when he wanted to come see me. I know, tear.

Stability sucks by the way. Don't do that to your children. Move to a new house at least once, just for kicks. They may hate it at first, but they will thank you when they get older. I lived in the same house from birth to age 18. Every one I knew moved away at some point. I have a lot of trouble adapting to new situations. The only reason I went to college in Missouri because I wanted to go somewhere where my parents had no chance of popping up ever. I couldn't take living in that hell anymore.

Moving to LA is literally the only thing I have ever done completely for myself. I have been afraid to go for my fullest potential, because I always felt intimidated by it. I am working very, very hard to deprogram all this shit.

Whole Foods

2007-05-08T14:23:00.000-07:00

So today, I had my first actual culture shock since I have moved here. It was a place that was horrifying yet intriguing, mysterious, as well as a place I hope to never have visit anytime ever again. This place actually reminded me that Dorothy is no longer in Kansas anymore. And this magical netherland of epic proportions is...

Whole Foods Grocery Store.

I'm shaking as I am typing this. Whole Foods is an organic grocery store is pretty much all over LA. No Walmarts here buddy, just expensive ass shopping all around. I kind of knew it was organic, but I didn't know it was that organic. It's vegan organic. Scary. I went in after lunch to get some $3.00 Aunt Jemima's microwave Pancakes and Sausage boxes for breakfast. Needless to say they don't sell that at whole foods.

To debunk all of your prejudged notions, everybody in LA is not skinny and pretty. That is a myth. Only in certain parts of LA do you find those people, and apparently in a Whole Foods grocery store is one of them. There a lot of skinny people here. I mean skinny. And the way you see the little celebutantes dress on the paparazzi photos with the short ass summer dresses with cowboy boots with leggings...yeah, they all dress like that. As far as the men, they're even skinnier and prettier than the women. They have model hair*. They wear makeup too. You look around thinking that you may be looking at celebrities, when in fact, its just the LA people period.

I felt fat going in there. I felt uncomfortable, looked it too. Kept looking over my shoulder and shit, hoping to catch a skinny girl frowning at what I have let myself become. First time, suprisingly since I've been here. There was this girl in another line fully made up wearing short shorts and cowboy boots who I swore was Courtney Cox. Another who I swore was Cameron Diaz. But no, two random girls standing in line. I felt like everybody was staring at me from the waist down assessing the circumfrence of my hamhock thighs and how could I let something so tragic happen to my legs? Can you feel my trauma?

Anyway, so never, ever again unless I feel the overwhelming need to become a vegetarian, or I'm trapped in the desert overcome with thirst, and all drought has caused all the cacti to dry up and the only place that has water available to continue my life as I know it is a whole foods.

Thank you.

*Model hair - shaggy longish hair cuts, that are supposed to look like one just rolled out of bed, when in fact the hairstyle takes a lot of time to do.

Don't get too happy, Paris Hilton is not going to jail

2007-05-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton is going to jail, huh. Well, I was overjoyed until it hit me that she most likely won't have to serve the whole 45 days. The jails are extremely overcrowded so I'm highballing it and guessing she'll only do about a week. Plus, people out here know that bitch isn't going to jail. I don't know if any of you have ever been in LA long enough to watch the news, but they lick celebrity's assholes here; even on the news. It becomes clearer and clearer exactly why there all assholes, because they get special treatment here like its not tomorrow.

In other news...

I was offered the receptionist position at the bank where I am currently temping. Nothing else has come along, and there are things that are coming up such as hmmm... headshots, acting classes, hair appointments as well as the extravagances such as rent, food, car note, gas etc., you know all the leftover stuff. So as you can see, I really couldn't afford to be the "against the establishment nomad" that I was intent on being for a little while. I still have some reservations, i.e. "being receptionist is beneath me", "I have a degree, I want to make real money", blah blah. Then I stop and say to myself..bitch you moved here to be an actress, if you were starting out as an actress you would not say no to parts that were beneath you, you would take what was offered because you needed money. Same rule applies here.

Oh, I don't know if I've mentioned this yet but I actually saw Paris Hilton in person like a week ago. All hatred aside, she really does look like a tranny.

Britney Spears, I hate you

2007-04-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

Britney Spears is a dumb bitch. Look at that shit. I mean damn, my hatred for her has surpassed Tyra Banks at this point. Britney almost makes Tyra look sincere. Almost. I mean look at that shit.

An ongoing theme of this blog is how much I hate attention whores. What excuse in the world is it for you to be that damn needy? Okay, you did not receive enough attention in your life from whoever. Fine. Who has? Everyone at some point in their life does not receive the attention they want from somebody, but to the detriment of others? To the point where your not even ashamed of looking desperate? Oh, hell no.

Kevin Federline. Not only do I know his name, I know how to spell it and use it correctly in a sentence. Worse of all, Kevin Federline has more money than me and you. Why? Because he was in the same club as her, sold her some drugs one night, and told her she was pretty. Not mad at him either, if Britney saw me and decided that I was the one for her, I would drop everything just to fake the lesbo. Why? Because the stupid bitch would believe it and I would be paid.

Sadly one of the reasons I really hate Britney Spears, because of all the trainwrecks we have seen so far in the past few years, she is the one who has a legitmate shot of being big again. How? Because I think we all have forgotten how huge Britney was in her prime. I happen to catch her pepsi commercial from back in the day on you tube, and dammit if that commercial wasn't the shit. People started drinking pepsi just because of that campaign. Someone could stick her name on dog feces, call it face cream, and it would sell. A lot. I'd buy it. All it would take is one catchy ass song, and that's it. She's on top again, and the whole world would tune in, even if it is to watch her fall.

Pros and Cons of LA

2007-04-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

(I apologize for the length of this post)
So its been 2 and a half months now, so I can give an analysis of the pros and cons that I have experienced in LA so far.

Cons
1. A lot of hurry up and wait.
For no reason. I can't tell you how many people have called me wanting to leave my job in the middle of the day with 5 resumes, writing samples, a book about my life etc., to drive to kingdom come asap, just for them to tell me when I arrive that they've already hired someone internally. It teaches you a lot about what to rush for and what your priorities should be.

2. There are a lot of people who live and work in this country who do not speak English.
And I'm not talking about just Spanish either, japanese, chinese, etc. There's a mexican security guard who works in my building who's wife does not speak English even though she's been in this country for 10 years. I asked why she never learned English? She said she doesn't need to. Everything is available to her somehow in Spanish. I actually had a man cuss me out nasty this morning on the phone because I didn't speak spanish...go figure.

3.The people who are mean take themselves way too seriously
These are the assholes that people talk about in LA. Its very, very few things in this world in my opinion that are that deep. I guess its because I'm on the phone all day, and I've temped so much in entertainment so far, but the ones with the egos freak out about the dumbest things. My most recent example has been a loan officer who wanted me to pull another out of a business meeting because they needed to talk to them about a possible deal. God forbid, I take their number down and have the person call them back when they're done, that's just unheard of. My favorite example of this so far are the assistants who think they're rich because they work for someone rich.

4. The man keeps you down
The reason I don't have a job right now is because I refuse to get stuck somewhere again where I have no chance in hell at moving up. Every interview that I have been on has been like that. I'll do grunt work sure, only if there's a chance I won't have to do it anymore.

5. The women
In short, they suck. One girl I tried to make friends with I met though Loverboy. Long story short, she was a crazy attention whore skank and all three of us ended up in a screaming match. I found that this particular trait is common in a lot of LA women.

Pros
1. I've never been so driven in my entire life
Seeing all these people drive around in their expensive cars, and working for people who make stupid ass power play rules just because they can, make me so determined to have my own shit. I'm really surprised that I am still temping because the me that I know would have taken the stable admin. asst. office job and ran with it.

2. My eating habits have drastically changed
I've lost roughly 10 pounds since I've been here. I've been sick ever since I been here. Add to that, I'm not hanging around Addam who is constantly talking about food and losing weight in the same breath. I'm not in a work environment with people who are overweight constantly talk about food. I don't know where to get fried chicken here, at home I can name 3 off the top of my head, 2 within walking distance. Plus, I lived somewhere for 2 months where the only places you can get food without enountering much traffic or getting on the freeway is McDonalds. I hate fast food.

3. I've started to care actually care less what people think about me
My cousin told me something beautiful the other day. She said, "I have enough friends. I don't need anymore." Dammit if that didn't strike a chord. I guess when you're in a new place, you're in survival mode. You feel you need to make friends so you won't look like such a loser. No you don't. Here, I have my cousin, her boyfriend and her kids, my beautician's aunt who lives here, and (groan) (at the moment) Loverboy. That's all I need.

4. Black men are a trip
Not specific to here, that's everywhere.

The Roomate

2007-04-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

Loverboy's roomate, put my stuff out his room yesterday. Yes, the weedhead. The bed I had been sleeping in. He's been eating my food. He sat there and watched me rummage through the kitchen like a madwoman looking for my chunky chicken noodle soup that I found out later he ate. He's been bitching about every single thing I've done even though (a) he's never there (b) he hasn't paid a single utility since he's lived there. He installed a lock on his door so I can't go in there at all anymore.
And the kicker? Why he's acting like a brat even though I did nothing to him at all? That's what pissed him off, that I actually chose to go about my business instead of being up in his face like an attention whore female.
And..From what Loverboy has told me so far, he pissed at me because I didn't fuck him. No...seriously.

I could go on and on about how sad that men are so damn insecure that they think all women need attention from them whether they like them or not. Its also sad that there are so many female attention whores in the world that some men don't know how to respond to one who isn't. But my true reaction? There are 32 people who lost their lives yesterday for no reason whatsoever, this is beneath me.

This blog really is becoming the days of my life....

2007-04-12T14:11:00.000-07:00

So I went on another job interview this morning. Quite an interesting experience.
Basically the job was for an administrative assistant for a railroad company. The interview itself actually didn't feel like an interview, it felt more like a therapy session.

The guy was really laid back. I mean really. It threw me off. After he asked me the basic interview questions, about my skills and such. He basically told me this, "You don't want this job do you?". I was stunned. He continued to say that this job was basically for people looking for boring stability, who want a paycheck and want something to do with their day. There is not a huge possibilty of moving up, but if you want it let me know. I was dumbfounded.

He also said of all the people that he's interviewed I was by far the brightest as well as the most normal. And I would have to let him know if I felt it was a good fit for me. I would also have to leave the temp job that is currently paying me to come back this afternoon to meet his supervisors.

Needless to say, I could not do it.

I just quit a job that had me as an automaton for 6 years, to come here to be an actress. Consistent salary, 401K, free health insurance say what? If I took that job, there is no way in hell I would ever leave. No acting classes, blowing off auditions because I couldn't get off work, being stuck in the same damn position year by year with no hope of moving up. Hello, job I just left? He saw it, too. He told me that just based on me speaking skill wise I could do the job, he also could not understand why I was not working already, but he could sense my trepidation walking through the door. He asked why? I told him that in my head I know its just an interview, but I feel like I'm getting judged from head to toe and it makes me uncomfortable. I also hate the fact that I know that I need them more than they need me.

He proceeded to tell me that I'm not going to get very far in life by doing this. He also said I need to stop being so easily intimidated, to which I replied easier said than done.

I'm good about faking the confidence in my every day life, acting the diva, pretending I don't take shit from people. But when I comes right down to an actual situation to where I need to rise and conquer, I fail miserably. Professionally and personally. He helped me see that I am a person who is realistic, bright, and capable. I just for some reason keep holding my own self back. My gay ex-boyfriend (who I promise I will write about one day) used to tell me this exact statement that has been echoing in my head to this day, "You are the type of person who would be happy working for somebody."

This conversation also helped me see why I am not in a relationship. Because I've been in one with Loverboy for 5 damn years. Still.

So I'm working at bank now, and right now, and all job BS side, I'm just trying my hardest not to fuck it up.

I feel better

2007-04-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

Lord, I was sick last and this week, man. I forgot what sick actually felt like until last week. And because of such sick, that last post sucked moldy ass as a result of being hopped up on drugs, so I feel the need to redeem myself

So I realize I am not cut out for the nomad life, bouncing from temp job to temp job, sleeping on people's couches all free spirited and shit. Uh-uh, not for me. My guess is I'm more type A personality than I originally thought. My body, or rather God was trying to tell me something. I realize that I really hated my last job, the one I was fired from. I thought I liked it, but I was lying to myself. The long hours with hardly any pay, sucks. The running around while using an archaic phone/computer system sucks. The constant watching of the ass kissing, god help me, I was already throwing up on my own. And when you're hunched over the toilet sweating profusely praying to God, and your co-worker gives you the fakest "are you ok?" you have ever heard in your life, makes you angrier than if she hadn't said anything at all.

I also don't want to work in the entertainment business unless I am an actor. Seriously not worth it unless you're the talent. The hours, as I said before are very long. The jobs in the entertainment business itself are kind of stupid. For example, there are a lot of assistants. Basically assistants are glorified secretaries who think their better than you because you they work for someone rich. As many agents, managers, etc. there are there are 2 to 3 times as many assistants. And their job, to me, is more demeaning than answering phones. There is one assistant that I worked with whose boss did not even have a computer in his office. She literally had to schedule everything for him right down to where and when he ate dinner every night. She even made him wait for him until 9' o clock one night until he finished dinner to warn him in case someone important calls. Keep in mind, this is just his work assistant, not his personal one. You can imagine what his personal one goes through.
You also have to take into account that there are aspiring writers, producers, agents, managers, who move to Hollywood, all very ready to kiss the right person's ass for their shot. Sorry, I'm not an ass kisser.

I am going to continue my quest to be an actor, but now I know for sure I am not going to sacrifice myself to do it. My health has not been the best since I have moved out here and I am sure I have spread myself way to thin. I have too much stuff to do in too little time.

The Depressed Poem

2007-04-04T16:12:00.000-07:00

Woe is me
No one will hire me,
I don't know why.
Nevermind I do know why.
No one wants the first face they see
to be a nappy headed black girl with a mouthful of white teeth.
It sucks the way the world works
but you have to keep going in order to enjoy its perks.
polite, articulate, and educated too.
what worse than being trifiling, is not having bad qualities so the bosses can criticize you.
show up on time, do my job, no complaints or heavy lip.
dancing the dance for these stuck up stupid people, believe me its a trip.
So I will keep you all posted on on my quest to be self fulfilled
I hope it won't be a long journey, or I will continue to be ill

Eww, that sucked

Well...guess what

2007-03-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

Blogging on the fly... before I leave today....I feel like this blog is becoming days of my life for some reason. I make this sort and sweet.

I bought a car, the same day
got fired from my job.

How did I get fired you ask? Well, no reason. Someone else over me got fired and her assistant needs her job back, so whose lower than a temp? No one. Well, maybe Paris Hilton.
Am I upset? Truthfully, Hasn't hit me yet, between my tonisilitis/strep throat and living in the crazy house, this is almost laughable. You know what's funny. I came to work all week pretty much on my deathbed because I was so paranoid about getting fired, and I get fired anyway. Funny, how the world works.

Loverboy's not going to like this, so I'm going to propose staying in orange county with my cousin for a little while, because this was the only shot I had so far out semi-stable employment. Now that's this is out the window now, hell. No plan B's.

Did I like my job? Begrugingly, I admit I was starting to. I was around the thing that I loved most in the world. Even though I could not actively participate, I got to hear about it all day and be around it all day. I learned a lot just from these 3 weeks.

I feel like I'm destined for something at this point. But it cannot be unemployment.

Ode to Sleep Deprivation

2007-03-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

As you can tell by the title, this is basically where my state of mind is at the moment. I have the flu, the second time I've been sick in 2 weeks. I mean I am really sick. It was cold two weeks ago, now flu.

I don't know if any of you had the lovely pleasure of moving to big city, but whenever you move, you cannot move without these three things. First month's rent, last month's rent, and security deposit. Let's figure that I find an apartment here for $750 a month, (fantastic) I cannot move in unless I plunk down 1800. For a 6-month lease! This has put a huge, huge damper in my plans. I know you all may be a little shocked as to why this is suprising, but keep in mind the deposit on my last apartment was $75, and I could just move right on in with the first months rent.

My living situation right now sucks. As I stated before, I am currently living with two guys. One is an insomniac, and one is a total weedhead. Loverboy works night hours, and not only does he not go to sleep, but he is determined to not make you go to sleep with him, (i.e. screaming to someone at the top of his lungs on his cell phone, slamming doors, turning on the bright ass light in your face if he needs to ask you something, sleeps with the TV on, lord I could go on). Weedhead is not home very much but when he is, he is high all the time. And when I say all the time, I mean all the time. Nothing wrong with chiefing, I have no problem with that. But, dude, I have lived there for 6 weeks now, and I have never seen homeboy sober. Plus, he creeps me out.

The house always smells like weed. I have to wait for a free bed a lot of the time so I can sleep, and when I get one I wake up about 50 times a night. Add in a nice little flu, you got yourself one little happy healthy situation.

Blah, Blah, Blah, I know. I could be sleeping in my car. Don't even try it. At least if I'm sleeping in my car, I'll be guaranteed a place to sleep every night and be granted if Loverboy doesn't know where I am, it will at least be quiet.

Loverboy goes out of town next week, so it'll just be me and weedhead. This will be interesting. I'll keep you posted.

God I Know

2007-03-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

March 20. God I know. So much to talk about so little time. I was actually going to end this blog until I read the comment on my last one, so thank you Erica and dammit I'm at it again.

Here's very, very brief synopsis.

*Staying with Loverboy. It sucks. He's a hoe. He is letting me stay in his house but he's still a hoe. Came to the realization that I was part of his stable of hoes. Panic attacks. Sleepless nights.
Harder than I thought it was going to be. Mood swings like a pregnant bitch.

*I am not going home, at least not now. Currently a receptionist at a talent agency. Its temp, but its money. Moms and Pops been suprisingly supportive about the whole thing. I guess they knew it was coming.

*I understand completely why people stay at their jobs for 25-30 years. Quitting your job to follow your dream is ridicioulsly hard. People live in their cars to do this, and I'm dangerously close. I'm not saying quit, but make sure its something you
really want to do first.

*Thank the lord Jesus Christ in heaven for therapists. Because without mine, I would have probably went home and hid under my bed for a month. If your thinking about it, don't think, go. Because if you get a good one, it could save your life.

I'm finally here

2007-02-17T12:09:00.000-08:00

Damn, January 31 is the last I posted? A mess....Yes, I'm here. For obvious reasons, my posts will be shorter and less frequent, but I will try to keep it up. Yes I am unemployed, sleeping on people's couches. Yes, I feel like a loser. Loser, enough to go back home? No, at least not yet anyway.

I'm still in love with Loverboy. I am such a glutton for punishment, especially with guys. I guess it will always be the thing with me. Currenlty, since there are no other living possiblities, we're sharing a room. It sucks. For someone, who's lived alone since sophmore year of college, it really sucks. I wonder what its like to be completely obvilious to someone who is so desperately in love with you. So desperately in love, you watch them sleep. (Yes, I just admitted that out loud).I would like to have that feeling of complete obliviousness.

It sucks not working, for someone who's worked 12+ hours a day for the last 3 years, I feel lost. I know I'm out here to be an actress and there's a lot of rejection and free time involved, I'm the type of person who thinks too much when they're not doing anything.

I need to get a boyfriend, for practical purposes only. People are starting to think something's wrong. I found out recently my family thinks I'm a homewrecking slut. My cousin's boyfriend thinks I'm a lesbian. Loverboy treats me like shit, because he knows he the only heterosexual male in my life at this moment. Its not necessarily that they're thoughts matter to me, but I just get tired of fighting to be me all the time.

That's all for now. More to come.

Project Cali...in effect mode

2007-01-31T08:46:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton is not human. She scares me. She has absolutely no soul. And I absolutely refuse to watch that video. She's a sociopath. Still, people keep giving her press, and she's not going to suffer any consequence whatsoever. I just had to say that out loud.

Project California goes into effect in 9 days and 20 hours. I'm shuffling back and forth between delusional calm and extreme mania. It's still not real. Me about a year ago would only be going for a week on spring break for vacation, probably fill out some job applications for convenience, have them call me the day I go back, only to proceed to come back here to bitch about how I need to get out of here. But me proactively taking steps to change my life? Bitch, please. I got an easy job with good insurance, why would I leave it? Plus its time for Addam and I start planning our birthday party. I would worry about it after that.

As of now, I'll be homeless for a little while. My cousin made an generous offer to let me stay with her the whole time, with her boyfriend and her kids. Umm, no. Kids aren't the problem, they're great. Boyfriend is sketch. I would describe him as the kind of ghetto that he has to suppress for everyday life, so he won't be fighting everyone in his path. Plus, I know they're cheating/cheated on each other. My gut feeling is that I don't trust him. I don't think he'll hit on me or anything, okay, we'll maybe...but the outcome will not be good. For now, I'll just be sleeping in my rental car.

The Interview

2007-01-25T12:30:00.000-08:00

So my pilgrimage to LA takes place in about 2 weeks and I am terrified. I am definitely preparing myself for the worst. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I am blessed to go and try this, but at the same time I am scared shitless that it won't work out and I am back in hell again, plotting once again my neverending escape from Alcatraz.

The following is a interview conducted to me by me pretty much illustrating how I feel about life right now:

So I understand you want to be actress, and I know you have a reputation for hating celebrities, let's first start by asking who you hate in Hollywood right now.
Oh, cool I have a new list. The top at that list right now is Angelina Jolie. Everybody thinks she's the Virgin Mary. I think she thinks she's the virgin mary, all because she adopted some ethnic kids and she's pretty. That's what its all about.... her bring pretty. So therefore she can do nothing wrong. Instead of flying by plane to all of these poor countries, she just floats with her veil as a cape.
Drew Barrymore, hate her. She strikes me as the fakest bitch on the planet. If she's that nice, why is she best friends with Cameron Diaz, who is literally the fakest bitch on the planet.
Beyonce, yuck..I can go on, but I'll leave it alone, because I'll get bored. Tyra Banks is an idiot pretending to be smart. Paris Hilton, that one goes without saying.
Paris scares me, she has no soul.

What is your biggest fear about your trip?
Looking everyone in the eye once again and telling them I'm coming back. I've been through this so many times even I think I'm full or shit at this point. Now I feel like the reason I stayed here so long is because I'm so scared of change I became comfortable in my own misery. Took pride in bitching and complaining and not doing anything about it. I became my mother.

How does your family feel about this?
They don't give a shit. It would be different if I got this six figure job and I'm moving to be near it, they would be all up my ass, but honestly they could care less.

Does that bother you?
Hell no. I prefer it that way actually.

In the event you became a successful actress, would you become...different?
You mean a bitch? (laughs). Only to these specific people. My mom and her side of the family because they would transition into money grubbing vultures, and to them I would animorph into "the walking check", to hair and makeup people, because it took 28 years to get my shit together and you're not going to fuck it up in one oil-laden makeup brushed swoop, and to Paris Hilton and others like her, because she is fucking up the youth of our country.

What going to happen with you and "Loverboy"?
You know what, I really haven't thought that much about it, suprisingly. I guess I'm so hell bent on planning and doing my own thing, that I haven't thought that much about how he fits into the picture, except as a friend, of course. Imagine that.

One final question, you were pretty depressed for a while about entering the business because of the whole emphasis on looks, is your perspective still the same?
No, its not. If I built on career on trying to be the hot girl, I'd be Jessica Alba. Believe me,I do not want to be Jessica Alba. Bitch has no charisma. Truth is, if I get cast as the quirky best friend, then I get cast as the quirky best friend. If I'm the "fat" girl, I'm the fat girl. All the actresses who are good, who I love did not spend their time trying to be hot girl, they just were cast period. And I wouldn't spend all my time trying to diet and workout, and more time trying to be good enough to get cast.

Random Tidbits .... Once Again

2007-01-19T13:01:00.000-08:00

1. Beyonce, full blown hatred. Not even jealous anymore, she just urks the shit out me now.

2. 3 weeks until project California. I'm terrified, of coming back that is. No one has contacted me about a job as of yet, and its really freaking me out at this point.

3. I realized now that I have stayed at this hellhole for so long, because I forgot how much I hate looking for a job. I absolutely hate it, all the work, all the applications, all the interviews...after all that, you find out they had someone in mind for the job anyway and all your efforts were in vain.

4. Maybe its because I've been in this shithole for so long, but I'm really fed up with black men at the moment. I know there are good ones out there, but confident, strong, educated, non wannabe thuggish, open minded black men, with no kids are very few and far between. I'm into Jewish men now. I'm sure its just a phase.

5. Speaking of thugs, regular guys (of any race) never approach me. Just the "thugs". Not my exterior either, I dress like a preppie most of the time. My best friend and I were talking about the only kinds of black women who are widely regarded as okay to think of as beautiful either look like either Halle Berry or Iman. White girl or extremely exotic, and always skinny. No in between. Most black women are my complexion, with my build, and my big ass. So the only ones who can decipher the difference, and unfortunately appreciate us is the "thugs", screaming obscenities at us indoors from outside....but I digress...

More to come...

2007-01-16T12:48:00.000-08:00

Beyonce looked like a straight drag queen at the Golden globes last night...

That's all for now.

Thank Yous for 2006

2007-01-08T16:53:00.000-08:00

I know I'm late with this, but I've been sick and I'm sick now, so screw it.

Go Gators!! Had to get that out first.

So I'm laying in the bed with my insomnia, as I do every night dwelling over the events I had this last year. So I have to say, I had a damn good year.

I made myself over completely inside and out, and I have these lovely people to thank.

1. God
I was mad at God for a little while, not gonna lie. Wondering why he stuck me with the mediocre life that I lived, wondering why after years of begging every single night for years, why I was still in this hellhole, and even though I was trying to claw my way out, how come I was still not in LA? After much professional help and less self-hatred it finally hit me. I wasn't ready. If I had left any earlier than I did right now, I would have been on the next plane home. I didn't like myself very much and it showed. Out there, can't do that. In the end, all you have is you and Him. Sorry it took me so long God, and thank you.

2. My beautician
I could write about this woman forever, but I'll make it quick. I don't know if I have ever bitched about this before, but one of my biggest lifelong dreams is to have long hair...No, seriously. My mother has continously told to me throughout the years as well as my middle sister, "I keep trying to tell your hair don't grow long. You don't have curly hair like Dean (my oldest sister). Only people with good hair have long hair" Beautician after bad beautician, perm after bad perm, short hair. Certain point, breaks off, shorter hair.
So this woman takes one look at my hair, and says, "You need to leave those perms alone. They are tearing your head up." What? The perm is tearing my head up? Stress is not taking my hair out?
"No. Just trust me and do what I tell you." That was march. Here is January and my hair has gone from the top of my ears to the top of my back. Thanks, Tish.

3.Greg Berenhdt
Writer of "He's not that into You." and "Its called a breakup because its broken". I am the queen of shitty relationships, as well as dumb as a brick when it comes to men. The book itself is pretty common sense, mostly, but it told me everything I needed to hear. Haven't looked back since.

4. My mom
Me and Moms still have our differences, but it took me living with her again to really get it and handle her. She may have her issues, and the issues are deep, trust me, but I know she will always be there for me.

5. My therapist
I don't need to talk about her, because I talk about her enough on this blog. Therapy works people. I am a believer.

Last, but not least

5.Loverboy
I finally got some emotional distance, and I now treat him for what he is.. a friend. Don't get me wrong, I still love the boy, I'm not delusional, but he is not good for me. He has been been a good friend, but he is not what I want in a boyfriend at all. And I am no longer to willing to take scraps.

I want to send a shout out to Addam and Jason, who help me hold it down in this piece, and my popz who still keeps it real, and nothin' but love for my sister Gwen...

Okay, sorry had to do that....

Movie Review: Dreamgirls

2006-12-27T07:36:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm going to be as objective as I can. Putting all the negativity aside, and giving an honest and objective review.

Yes, it was good. It was very good. Very well done. I'll say that first.

No, Beyonce didn't suck. The first half of the movie anyway, she didn't suck. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't really get a fair read on her performance because she didn't really do anything. Also, the critics have neglected to say that Jennifer Hudson's part is twice the size of hers. She literally just had more to do. So if you're paying to see anybody, you're paying to see Jennifer.

Beyonce is fine as younger Deena, I guess, but by the time she morphs into older Deena, she's no personality havin' Beyonce again. There's even one supposedly serious scene where she curses and the audience in the movie theatre with me busted out laughing.

There are a lot of parts in this movie that I guess the marketing people decided to keep under wraps. The people who have the most screen time is Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Hudson, who were both good. Jamie is also the one who had the hard task of having the most dialogue among a cast of characters breaking out spontaneously into song, and somehow it still worked. Believe me, I hate Jamie Foxx, but I will say he did very well. Annika Noni Rose, who plays Lorell, the Dreamgirl who people forget is in the movie, had a much bigger part than advertised. And, trust me vocally, she is the one who was physically holding back, not Beyonce. (She loves to throw that in people's faces doesn't she?)

Eddie Murphy was fine, to me it seemed like he was playing himself somewhat, but he was still funny.

Danny Glover has a sizable part in this movie, too. And that's all I have to say about him.

Sweet vs. Bitch

2006-12-20T09:11:00.000-08:00

BITTER BLOG ALERT!! WARNING DON'T WRITE ENTRIES WHEN YOUR MAD

What do you think that means? My definition is drastically different that it was years ago.

Before, one of the worst things that I could be called is a bitch. It really used to "bother me if someone even thought that I was a bitch. Why? Because, truth be told I am a lot of things, but I am not a bitch. I have always gone out of my way to be nice to people. In fact, most of my confidence came from the fact that I was one of those people everyone liked. If someone didn't like me, whether I did something to them or not, I would try to find a way to resolve it so that they would like me again. All of this trouble, and if someone rolled their eyes at me like "that bitch". My first thought would be "oh my god, I pissed her off. I have to fix it!!!". Pathetic, I know.

I accept my altruism as a part of me now. I don't shun it anymore. I don't clench my teeth everytime someone says I'm too nice. I've learned to make friends with it, and as a result, am gradually learning to control it.

I still think I'm nice, I don't think I'm "sweet" anymore. And that's okay. It's the "sweet" people who are the meanest mother fuckers you'll ever meet. The sweeties have to overcompensate for the evil that lies beneath, myself included in this category.
I don't go out of my way to speak to people anymore, I don't speak to people I don't want to speak to, and I am really sure of who I trust as well as who my real friends are.

"Sweet" is overrated. People who I have befriended and ex-friended have all been "sweet", but that's it. I never liked any other attribute of their personality than the fact that they're "sweet". This list includes "boyfriends". I've spent majority of my life giving people my time and energy that they didn't deserve. Also, from my experience, I find that a lot of "sweet" people are extremely self-involved. If you really listen to them talk, they only talk about themselves and the conversation revolves around how much them and what the world owes them, and that's not sweet.

Sadly, I can also identify with people, who society labels as bitches. Because, they don't lay it on thick with this sugary sweet exterior, because they don't take shit from people especially men, because they don't give a shit as to what anyone thinks, they are labeled as bitches. I used to think my sister was a bitch, for 20+ years in fact, she's not. She just does not care what anyone thinks, she doesn't settle for less than greatness, and the people who really know her she's great to. I get it now.

Jennifer Lopez doesn't count in this category by the way. Now she is a bitch

The Random Blog Tidbits Post ... Again

2006-12-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

I'm off from the University for Christmas, and I've been watching a lot of TV. So forigive me for seeming like I don't have a life....because I don't.

1. Does anybody watch Rob and Big on MTV? This is what happens with me, and I think this is what happens with most people who watch that damn show. We turn to it because there is not shit else on TV, and end up watching it and cracking the fuck up. Everytime. It was especially funny last night.

2.The Real World is halfway decent this year. I think it's because they have a black man on there who actually acts like most black men. He actually looks like an typical attractive black man. He's a little ghetto, but not too ghetto. He'll fight a motherfucker in a second, he's bright, a little charismatic, and he's a hoe. I'm not gonna front, I'd hit it. Hard.

3. Dexter on Showtime is hands down the best show on TV. You need that show in your life. For those of you who don't have showtime, you can watch it on the internet like I do. If you want it, drop me a line and I'll e-mail you the link.

4. Beyonce got nominated for a Golden Globe, huh? Well, since I consider myself very much and internet savvy celebrity gossip expert efficinado, I'll drop some knowledge on you. Celebrities pay for that nomination. Sharon Stone paid for hers, as a matter of fact, if you hear of someone being nominated for something and you're like, what the fuck? I'd say about 8 times out of 10, that they kissed major ass, sucked somebody's dick, or straight up paid somebody for that nomination. Case and point? Beyonce getting to sing 3 songs at the Oscars last year. 2 of them in foreign languages? All because she's so unbelieveably talented? Yeah, sure....

The Hoe Gene

2006-12-10T19:28:00.000-08:00

If I have to explain what this is then you dont't have one.

First, let's classify what exactly my defintion of a hoe is. My defintion of a hoe is a person who loves sex to the extent of being able to have it with a person or persons without any emotional attachment. Said hoe, is also willing to participate in questionable sexual actions with person or person(s) without remorse. A hoe may use this task for either personal gain or a continuous chase of an unattainable euphoric high.

And yes, I have one

I, as well as many others, namely women, have to keep the hoe gene under wraps, because if we don't then we will be considered...well...hoes. Of course, this does not apply to men because it is acceptable in society for them to be hoes. If women does not fight her hoe gene, then any man she gets involved with will see how easy it is for them to get sex, and how willing they are to experiment sexually. Thus the man treating her like a fuck buddy, always resulting in not being respected.

We with the hoe gene walk around with a mask. Whenever we come across a man that we find worthy of pursuing a relationship with, we must never ever let on our true persona. The hoe gene is only unmasked when we are with a specific male that we will never have any romantic feelings for, or some random person who caught us on a super drunk night at the club whose name we don't have to remember.

Typical symptoms of having a hoe gene (for females)include:

-watching way too much porn, I mean way too much porn even for a guy

-if you meet someone whose nice that you're just not attracted to that you don't plan on seeing again and you contmeplate getting sex out of it anyway

-if going 2 weeks without sex is an eternity for you, but you don't have a boyfriend.

-your fuck buddy sessions are not a treat that comes out of nowhere, but a part of your weekly routine.

-fat dudes sometimes become sexy to you.

If at least two of these five items apply to you. You have issues that need to be controlled.

I admit it, what inspired this post was that I had a re-lapse recently. The non-high school graduate dude who I spoke of in an earlier post, called me yesterday morning. Don't even like him in the least bit, but it took everything in my power not to go over his house yesterday. That's some strength for your ass.

I'm sick of hearing about Kramer

2006-12-04T15:41:00.000-08:00

So Kramer cussed out some black people in a club, and they're about to get paid.
This is what its come to when it comes to black people getting some positive press.

People have the gall in this day in age to make racist statements when the face of their youth are
"Starlets" who flash their vagina, obviously junkies, and display rude and disrespectful behavior on camera (literally) on a daily basis? With no signs of remorse.

David Banner received a humanitarian award for his efforts in hurricane katrina, and he is extremely charismatic speaker.

click here

Why I Hate Going Out

2006-11-29T09:45:00.000-08:00

I came to this epiphany last time I was in LA.

I hate going out....and pasta. But we'll concentrate on the topic at hand.

My cousin and I go out whenever I'm in LA, and I'm always so excited because I actually get to go to a real club instead of the non-existent ones around here. I figured because since its a bigger city, its a broader scope of men to dance with, better music, a stricter dress code, blah blah. So needless to say, I was looking forward to having a good time.

I have narrowed down my club experience down to science and each one is practically the same. First, going straight to the bar trying to generate a strong quick buzz that will carry you the rest of the night. Second, waiting for a good song to come on, then waiting, and waiting. Third, people watching while commenting on the jostling of your surroundings (a.k.a talking about girls who are too big to have on the outfits they're wearing).

And lastly, we have the actual dancing, which consists of finding a spot on the floor to get your groove on.

Hence, while partaking of the getting on of the grooving I encounter the part that I hate the absolute most about going out.

The fighting off of the sweaty men

There's nothing I hate worse then the smell of man who has been dancing hard as hell all night long, in a crowded hot club, who then spots you and decides that you are the one that he was been waiting all night to see. Therefore, he feels to need to entice you to have sex with him by rubbing his sweat drenched, musty, deodorant running, cheap cologne wearing body directly on top of yours. In motion. Ewww...dry heave.

And...here's the rub. They don't leave.

You try to politely dance away, they dance the same way. You try to turn your head, they turn it back. You try to hold your hand over your nose, they pull it down and put it on their neck. You pass out face first on the floor from the inhalation of toxic fumes, they dry hump your lifeless body on the floor. So on and so forth.

Also, when you manage to wrestle free from sweatbox and actually see someone cute that you want to dance with. One of these three instances occur:

They don't dance, nor they don't want to
Cuties don't really dance that much. If they do, they do their "I'm so cute I don't need to dance" two-step about 3 feet away from you. I also believe by the time the sweatbox is pried away from your ass with the jaws of life, every single girl in the club has tried to get in their pants, he's already chosen, and he's retired for the evening.

They're with their girl
I hate this shit. Why the fuck would you bring your girl to the club, why? What romantic memory are you trying to recapture by going to the club? The club is congested as hell so there's a big chance your going to see someone that you used to fuck. Also, desperate losers like me do not want to see you making out with your girl. I'm bitter enough being there in the first place.

Something is wrong with them
This category includes plenty. The most popular being gold teeth and speech impediments. The most common being upon first meeting uttering these words, "something ain't right about this motherfucker." If you have any more, feel free to tell me. I'm actually researching for future posts.

Yeah, and about that pasta thing. Its just slimy and gross and unfulfilling, and I'm going to stop forcing myself to eat it. That is all.

The Los Angeles Project

2006-11-28T13:07:00.000-08:00

I am PMSing right now. Something awful. Plus my dumb ass decided to get hot chocolate this morning instead of coffee, big mistake. Therefore, the bitterness that is usually present in this post will be turned up a notch. You have been warned.

I had a panic attack last night. Most of the time I have them in my sleep, to the point where they wake me up out of sleep. And I can't go back to sleep. It's not a pleasant experience.

Why did I have a panic attack you ask? Because I am the spawn of some of the most meticulous, anal retentive, semi-negative, uncomfortably direct to the point people on earth. If you have hopes and dreams? Forget about it. They won't shoot down your hopes and dreams, but they will list every single possible reason known to man as to why your reasoning is completely unrealistic.

Make sense? If not, Here's a little taste of what my life has been like.

I am not good at standardized tests, mostly because I think they're retarded. If I take one, my score is going to be average to slightly above average. So imagine what happened when I took the ACT junior year of high school. No studying, was late, only took it because I had to, plus my attention span isn't the greatest. Got a 21. Happy. Good enough to get me into a decent school. Stress relieved.

My parents got wind of the score. Even though I got into college, and had a decent GPA, I absolutely have to take it over. The main reasoning? Because my sister got a 22.

Believe me, this wasn't a mild suggestion, I mean they made me take it over. Who gives a shit that I was satisfied and my future was secured. They'll be damned if they have two children walking around with two different ACT scores. Parents like them are unfit.

Fast forward to age 27, I'm talking to my sister and telling her my plans. Understandably, she has concerns, so a natural question would be, "What if this doesn't work out, what will you do then?". Honestly, live homeless on the streets of LA and not tell my parents. But of course I didn't say that.

But she could have just left it there, but no it went to this. "Well you know, you probably need to have a backup city, and start thinking about going there." Keep in mind, my sister knows I want to be an actress, so there really is no other city. Where the hell does she want me to go, Vancouver?

My point is, she had a valid point, but perhaps she should save it for when I'm not so hopeful.
My replacement starts in January, I have move dates, I'm screwed if I have to come back. Hence, my panic attack last night.

Its a little to early to start putting in resumes (I'm leaving in February), so no job prospects have come to fruition, and money is going to be tighter than expected due to my car fucking up every five minutes, and all I have to depend on is me.

(This will be continued by the way, not continuously but intermittently, pray for me)

The 5K Run

2006-11-22T14:20:00.000-08:00

So I ran my first 5K this past weekend. It was interesting. Its one of those things that I said I've always wanted to do, but just never really cared enough to do the work. So, in light of my self-improvement kick that I've been on the last couple of months. I decided to do it. I decided to dedicate this post those of you who always kinda wanted to do something, anything, no matter how stupid or unattainable it may be. This is how I got off my ass.

First, things first, I am the most lackadaisical mother fucker you will ever meet. I don't give a flying shit about a lot of things. It came from traumatic childhood experiences that went something like this:

Me: Daddy, can I take gymnastics?

Daddy: No, go to school

Me: Daddy, can I take piano?

Daddy: No, go to school.

Me: Daddy, can I take swimming lessons?

Daddy: No, you need to get your math grade up, you got a B. Your taking college level math classes this summer.

Me: I hate my life!

Daddy: I don't care...

You get the idea.

So I had been "exercising" on and off since this summer. When I say "exercising", I mean getting my walk on 3 times a week. It got cold outside, I had to start going to the gym after work. I was on the treadmill bored out of my mind, looking around at all of the white girls sprinting on the treadmill next to me, and I said, "I'm old. Walking ain't getting it anymore". So I looked on the internet for going from couch potato to running, and it said that I could be running a decent amount in a month. I figured what the hell. I also have an ipod, that helps tremendously.

It went from that to, running with a girl who's in the army who drags me to the gym every night, to I wonder if I can run 3 miles, to doing some research on the internet on local 5K's in the area. Here are some bullet points if you ever decide to do this:

* People who run are insane. They have all the expensive gear, they wear coochie shorts in 5 degree weather. They have this look in their eyes , like "I'm going to eat you".

*The 5K's are usually nothing for them. This is just a warm-up for the 2-day marathon that's coming up for next week. Just trying to get those legs loosened up.

*5K run means run, not jog. The winning time was 15 minutes. That's like 4 minutes a mile. I'm not going to say my time, but it was much, much faster than mine.

*This is an event where low standards are necessary. If you try to compete, you will fallout. My goal was to finish, not stop, and not come in last. Three goals that I can happily say I achieved. I tried to get cocky and set a goal time, but that was thrown out around mile 2 when I ran out of breath.

*Honestly, I hate running. But something about it makes you want to keep going. People look at you differently when you tell you run. Next week, I'm going to try and start training for 10K.

So to summarize, if I can run anyone can. For real, any of y'all..You'll be surprised at what you can do if you put your mind to it, blah, blah. Baby steps. And as far my body, in my opinion, it has totally changed and its the only exercise that has truly done that.

If my little inspirational speech doesn't work, maybe this will..

Random Blog Tidbits

2006-11-16T08:54:00.000-08:00

A. So Mario Lopez didn't win Dancing with the Stars, huh. I don't even watch the show and I know he should have. Emmitt Smith? He seems like a nice guy and all, but dancing wise a world of no. I know why Mario didn't win though, he's good-looking with a great body and he's a good dancer, so therefore his life is perfect enough already.

B. Attention whore's been giving me the evil eye at work, still. I this had to do with convo she had last week with her cousin (the stupid asshole I'm in love with who doesn't love me who I talk about all the time, for those who are first-timers) about me being a "secret genius" and all. This boy should have a name now since I'm obviously still borderline obsessed with him, so he is now christened Loverboy.

C."Loverboy" was in town this week, and for the first time in long time, I didn't feel like a moron around him. Usually my attitude is something like, "oh my god, I'm so in love with you I can't even function as a human being." Now its somewhere along the lines of, "oh, you're more predictable than I thought, I can handle this now" This was a really big breakthrough for me therapy wise.

D. I don't care about Tom and Katie's wedding. Nor about Britney Spears's divorce. Neither does the rest of the world. So join with me in my boycott.

E. I still hate Jennifer Lopez.

F. And Tyra Banks

G. I now hate Halle Berry now that I know she's a fraud. Bitch has had an assload of plastic surgery, and I can't believe I didn't notice it before.

H. Last but not least, I have a seething hatred for this girl, her name is Paula Patton. She is in the new Denzel Washington movie. She's that type of pretty that you can't be friends because she brings out all your flaws when you stand next to her. And, to top it all off she is married, not fucking, not dating, but married to the for real father of my children, Robin Thicke. Here they are in all of their sickening glory:

The Bi-Yearly Freakout part deux

2006-11-08T08:50:00.000-08:00

I am the bionic woman, I am a robot. I can certainly dish it out my fair share of psycho babble bullshit, but now the inside is totally hollow.

I had a heart to heart with my beautician yesterday. I had to impart some of my therapy wisdom on her because she was going through it.

Long story, very, very short. She's a pretty girl, she's also a very nice girl, she's also a very good beautician, as a result she gets a lot of clients. She gets hated on. Very openly, by her co-workers, and others, a lot. I see it. Certain women know what I'm talking about. Women who have little to no female friends. If they do its usually women they have known for a long ass time. Women who have jobs (careers) that make good money, who have ambition to do more. Women who don't have a thousand men calling them on their cell phones, who don't have unecessary drama with the men they are with, and who are perfectly happy in a stable, monogamous relationship. I know who you are, and I feel you.

Once again, it's the shithole that I live in. A lot of women, not all of them, both black and white, have nothing for real going on. Their livelihood is the men that they're with or the men they're trying to get. If they have no men, it's all about being with "family", if it's not the "family", its got something to do with getting more involved in the "church." (Ugh, more about religious hyprocrites later, that's a book).

Also, because its mini-shithole, everybody knows everybody. My male friend's cousin works at my job. She's the attention whole I has previously spoken about. They ran into each other yesterday. Apparently, the consenus around the office (by the females) is that I'm weird.

This didn't piss me off, promise. I just found it really fascinating.

Continuing on with subtext of the conversation, I was told that I don't really say very much. No one really knows that much about my personal business, apparently I'm really good at my job but I keep it a secret, and of course, she doesn't have a boyfriend. Because God knows, if you don't have a man you're a freak of nature.

Keep in mind all the women at my job are "married". By "married", I mean they are legally or common-law bound to trifling men. I have met all of the betrothed several times, except for attention-whore's, and just going by their personalities alone, if was set up on a blind date with any of them, I would have taken a very long trip to the bathroom.

I thought you weren't supposed to tell any of your personal business? I thought you weren't supposed to brag about how smart you are? I also thought you weren't supposed to be with anyone unless you wanted to be? Maybe I'm crazy, I guess this just means I'm not.

Getting back to my beautician, I basically told her that I have had several experiences with women in Tuscaloosa, 9+ years (adding the story about the ghetto fighting work bitch who I had to throw out my car after making a very strong pass at me), and basically they are crazy. Adding, that my own mother hates on me and my sister. It doesn't mean anything except that you're doing something right.

The Bi-Yearly Freakout

2006-11-02T09:50:00.000-08:00

Editor's note: I go through this initial freakout maybe about twice a year, and I have probably written this word for word in some form or another, whether it's been spread out through several entries, or one big rant. So, feel free to skip if you've heard it before, or you're just sick of hearing it period.

I cannot believe, I still do not have a fucking boyfriend

I broke up with my ex, my actual fiance ex going on 4.5 years now, and for sure thought by the time I was almost 30 I would at the very least almost be engaged. Or in a long-term relationship. Nope. Nothing. Not even close. There have been (gasp) several dalliances in and out, no pun intended. But nothing even remotely close to stable, nothing, in 4 and a half years.

One of my friends who lives in Tennessee recently got engaged. She deserved to be engaged, she's a really great girl. She got enagaged to a man who supports her, who understands her, and most of all, loves her for who she is.
She's younger than me by about 2 years, and she's one of the more mature people that I know. I am genuinely happy for her, but my inner bitch says, why can't that happen to me?

I know have been carrying on about how I've been working on myself, loving myself, and blah, blah, blah whatever...but one the issues that I have spoken about in my therapy sessions is how every positive thing that I do for myself is in some way or another subconsciously doing it to get a boyfriend. For example, "Ooh, I like football, men like football, men have to like women who like football. Ooh, I run. Some men run, men like women who run." So on and so forth. I've gotten a lot better about it lately. But like I said earlier. The bi-yearly freakout is inevitable.

Yes, I know its where I am. That situation will change soon. But I honestly don't think that this is going away when I move. At the college I went to, out of 23,000 students, there were 900 black people. 500 of them were women. You would think at one point in time or another, at the very least one of the trifling men would trickle down to me...nope. I didn't even have sex until the middle of junior year.

Recently, the first male I had been seeing since my "metamorphisis", didn't have a job (but he was laid off), lived with his mama (I live with my mama, so I can't get mad), and I (begrudgingly admit) did not have a high school diploma. Let me see, what were the good things, again....oh. He was a gentleman, big time. He actually wanted to date me, and I believed he just generally liked being around me. It wasn't until then I at that moment that I thought, that every single solitary male that I have ever dealt with ever, was an asshole.

How did we "break up"? It was my fault honestly. I didn't want to have sex him. I said I would eventually, but I lied, I wouldn't. I'm pretty sure he caught on to that, and moved on accordingly. Its cool. And that's the way it should be.

Yeah, there's going to be a part 2 to this one.

To the Big Man called "Media"; Re: Grey's Anatomy

2006-10-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm writing about it. Even though I'm sick of hearing about it, I'm writing about it.

All this media coverage of this Isaiah Washington/Patrick Dempsey crap has tainted the show for me, just a tad. All you hear that it's racist that Isaiah Washington is getting called as the angry black man, blah, blah. From what I've read, Isaiah Washington is an belligerent asshole, period. Those come in all flavors. Also, there's is this talk that he's getting fired...whatever. If any of you watch the show, his character is the most expendable. He could easily get written off just because they've done all they can do with it. Also, my favorite speculation, he choked poor little defenseless Patrick Dempsey, just because he was trying to stick up for the little gay boy, and he is an endangerment to the safety of the cast...okay. Do you know how ignorant someone has to be to make you choke them? At your job? You don't just choke a mother fucker out of nowhere, I don't give a damn how crazy you are. Like Chris Rock said, "I'm not saying I agree with it, but I understand."

So what am I mad at? Why the pent up delayed frustration? I love Grey's Anatomy. I'm obsessed with Grey's Anatomy, a lot of people are these days. I don't want to watch this show and think about animosty between the cast, who hates who, if T.R. is sleeping Patrick Dempsey, and so on and so forth. So here a news flash. I don't give a shit!!! so "media" stop trying to make me! Obviously ABC thinks that the controversy is going to draw more viewers out of curiosity, but they were already the number show on TV, with growing viewership every week, you don't need more viewers.

The way times have changed, since our rhodes scholar of a president has been in office as a matter of fact, you have a publicity stunt to sell an album, you can be famous and get cash just for being "friends" with Paris Hilton, and you can still get photographed every day even though your movie career is over. Stop!! We don't care. I don't think anyone outside the industry really cares. Both Paris Hilton's last two movies went straight to video, Lindsey Lohan's movies don't make money, Nicole Richie is visibly dying before our eyes, Janet wore a fat suit for two months, and took it off so she can tell everybody she lost weight just to pimp a godawful shitty album, and Tom Cruise got fired (yes, I said fired) from his place of employment because he made up a baby to promote a movie, and MI-3 still bombed, so stop it!! None of these ideas are working for the greater good.

In conclusion, "media" don't mess up the one shining light of enjoyment for me that takes place once a week at 8' o'clock on Thursday, because frankly I don't know if I can take it. Desperate Housewives, okay, you have that. I let that go. But not Grey's, I just won't be able to handle it.

Oh, and "media" , if you fuck with Ugly Betty, and I find out America Ferrara is a former Nazi, I am personally coming to look for you.

Its not dead

2006-10-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry for the lack of posts throughout the last couple of weeks. Just been a lot of shit that has been experienced not recorded. Here are some highlights.

1. I went to traffic court for my very first speeding ticket. I never realized how much of a goody two shoes I've been because I felt like a criminal. It was great.

2. ABC.com and NBC.com re-broadcast most to all of their shows on the internet with no commericals. Needless to say that takes up a lot of my time.

3. I watch more TV now than I have in years. Me being at work until 9 p.m. has limited me to Laguna Beach re-runs and everything else aired around it. Now I have a schedule on the VCR as well as the internet.

4. I'm currently training for a 5K. I know, I don't believe it either.

5. I'm making huge strides into getting over that boy that I whined about in my earlier posts. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I can honestly say its coming along,

6. Ugly Betty rules my world.

7. I have finalized my plans for my California "sabbatical". Got a leave date and everything. Woo!!!

8. Justin Timberlake is coming to town 2 weeks after I leave. I still haven't re-covered from the devastation of missing him and Christina A. 3 years ago. I'm trying to talk myself out of flying for one day just to see him.

9. My car is mad at me that I'm leaving, she's been making me spend a lot of money so I won't leave, and she's threatening to completely quit on me. I have to nuture her in the coming months.

10. I'm "celibate". I use this term loosely just because the next person I sleep with will, for once, not be trifling. One can only pray.

Highlights of my week

2006-09-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

Shitty week. Doesn't take much to amuse me.

1. Beyonce's new name is Lil' Magic.
(any Living color fans?)

2. I also found this funny.

Lindsey Lohan

2006-09-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

I always wondered how the hell these self made millionaires had the motivation to get off their ass and do something impotant. I wondered if someone broke their heart, or they had an idea and someone laughed in their face and became driven by anger, I wonder if they prayed a lot for their dream to be realized, and if they prayed that they can do something, anything, that will make their mark on this world and simultaneously, get them out the poorhouse.

Well, what inspired this post was me being completely bored as hell at work all week and reading about Lindsey Lohan. I don't think I have seen anybody, Ms. Spears included, fuck up their career completely on their own so quickly, publicly, and badly. Not only that, I don't think she gives a shit. At least Britney, has made attempts, trifling or not (hello horrible dateline interview) to prove she isn't as bad as people thinks she is. Ms. Lohan, instead chose to never stop being an asshole. I think that since she is getting photographed every single day, regardless of whatever the subject matter is, she is still a star. I don't think she realizes that she the only reason she's famous now is because people are fascinated that she has completely fucked her life up. She just thinks she's a star, the paparazzi still fight to take her picture, and that's all that matters.

Also, what bothers me is the people who are really successful, who got that way rather quickly, are completely unappreciative of what they have. I guess that's the way things are supposed to happen, assholes who don't deserve it, don't care when they get it. But I still don't understand that logic at all. When I went to LA, on my studio tour of Paramount , I was chatting with our tour guides (also wannabe actors) who informed me a girl who was on their earlier tours, got her very first role, a a guest spot on Nip/Tuck, but she really didn't seem to care that she got it. She was just like, whatever, and they were baffled. Hell, I was baffled. She wasnt even from LA, she was from a small town in New York somewhere, she just lucked up and got it. Didn't care. I was done.

I guess the point of my rant is that I know its in me to do something great. I know I need to write a novel, or a critically acclaimed screenplay, or be the most successful black actress of all time (fuck Halle Berry, she's a hack). I moved back home so I can go to LA, I have written (count) one page of that pulitizer prize winning novel, I guess I'm just in that stage of, what now?

He's not that into you

2006-09-15T16:28:00.000-07:00

I don't remember if I had posted this before, but I have recently read the book He's not that into you as well as its sequel, Its called a Breakup because its Broken. Changed my life, for real.

I never realized until I read that book just how much shit I took from men until now. I never realized until I read that book how much shit a lot of women took until now.

See I live in a state where the median age of getting married is 23. And I never realized until reading that book, just exactly how many women actually do not like their significant others. They just put up with it because they don't want to be alone. My cousin, whom I love dearly, is currently with living with a guy who she has been with for 5 years, has 2 kids with, and for some unbelknownst reason he's not ready to be married yet. She punched him in the face last week because she found 3 girls phone numbers in his car, that she co-signed for. When confronted about said numbers, he replied they were old friends getting back in touch with each other. And to think, she's one of the most confident people I know. But she's in love.

I was part of that statistic too, not even going to lie. One line in the book says something about not liking yourself so much, that every little gesture that a man shows that is nice, you take it and run with it. I do that. I also realized after reading this book just how insecure my male friend was. One of the biggest things that I loved about him was his security, realized it couldn't be further from the truth.

As for said male friend that I talked about last post, I'm still very much in limbo about what I'm going to do. I haven't talked to him since I came back from my trip (on purpose), but now I know I cannot talk to him until I know exactly what I'm going to do. I know this time its real, because it pains me not to answer his call. The accidental time I picked up the phone, I said I was busy. He's been calling me more, but I realize its jealousy/insecurity, not him "wanting" me.

What a dick, I'm so over this shit.

Getting my mojo back...

2006-09-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

I've lost my blog mojo, lately. I haven't been real enough in the past few posts

Okay, so I'll be honest here. I'm tempted to be the most honest that I have most been on a blog, but if not I'll be pretty damn honest.

So I have a male friend who I have mentioned on this blog before once or twice. I was/am in love with this said male friend, right now I'm hopelessly caught between the two.

Male friend sucks. Ass. He's the worst possible human being to ever be in a relationship with. He's a hoe, he's stubborn as hell, and he's self-involved as all get out. At the root of it all though, he is a good person, hence the feelings.

I've come to terms with the fact that we'll never be together. Ever.
I've also come to terms with the fact that even if we were together, I would not be able to trust him. Ever.
I also accept the fact that he sleeps with other women, frequently. It still makes me uncomfortable, but I know it happens.

Well, this is what I hate. I hate when he lies to me like he's my boyfriend. I hate that. If its already established that we're friends, why do you feel the need to play it off when I hear other women in the background? That pisses me off even more than if he actually told me, "yeah, I'm in the middle of having screwing some chick, call me back."

Also, my current deduction is this. I'm the female friend. The plain chick that you see in the movies. I'm the chick who's like a guy friend that the male whore keeps on the backburner for a long time, just in case he decides he wants to settle down in the far future. I feel that even if we didn't talk anymore, he would still look me up 20 years down the line, broke with nothing accomplished in his life, saying how much he loves me, how stupid he was, and propose and my stupid ass would probably fall for it hook, line, and sinker.

At this point, I'm tired. I'm tired of wondering if I will be able to give myself to someone because I'm still into this asshole. I'm tired of it being an unspoken rule that no matter who I sleep with, that he will always come first. I'm also tired of being so scared that he's going to be out of my life forever, that I play stuff off that its not a big deal.

Its not a healthy relationship. I already started by not talking to him as much anymore, but that's not good enough, something has really gotta give. Any suggestions?

This is an alternate universe

2006-08-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

I'm excited about college football starting up this weekend. Most notably notre dame and georgia tech. Embarrassingly excited.

I "reprimanded" one of my employees yesterday, and didn't feel bad afterwards. (Ok, I did a little bit, but I never questioned if I was right or not, because I knew I was.)

I lost 3 pounds.

I've been "seeing" someone for about 2 weeks and I haven't slept with him yet. Actually haven't kissed him, either.

I don't want to speak too soon but living at home sucks (obviously), but not as hard as I though it would. Should have done it long time ago.

Not saying these are milestones for me, but these are about 4 things that I know I would not have said or did last year. Things can't change in a day, but now you can make the change to start handling them differently, that's what she tells me.

I am definately leaving my job in January. I actually believe myself when I say that now. I'm filling out the leave of absence form today, thank god.

To summarize, I don't feel so much like a walking open wound anymore. The basic emotions are still there, but its not as prevalent as it used to be. What I didn't expect is how much of a struggle it is. I knew that making this change would take this much work, and also how long it would take. But I'm doing it, so I can sleep at night, and feel better about me. Actual me, not just physical me.

**Running off to say personal affirmations now**

Love Letter

2006-08-14T08:33:00.000-07:00

It's a hard time for you right now. You've had a difficult past, and now you're on the verge on trying to do something big. You have to overcome your weaknesses and use them to help you grow.

You have to seriously start looking for the good in yourself. You have to find what it is about yourself that you love, because you are very worthy of being loved. If you don't have anyone right now, that's okay because God has already removed the people in your life who didn't deserve you. You deserve to be happy because you've earned it.

In the past, you always felt that you had to please everybody because you felt that everybody loved you, it secured the fact that you were a wonderful person. Everyone does not have to like you, because if they don't, the only reason they talk to you because they think you are easily manipulated. They don't give a shit about the kind of person you are. They are the ones missing out. Everyone loves to pick on a nice person because they think they can't tell anybody no, but you don't need them in your life, you have to realize that. They are not worthy of giving a second thought.

Your past is your past. There are some things in it that you don't like but it made you the person that you are. And that person it patient, genuinely nice, smart, and hard working. You should like this person. She is likeable. You have to believe in yourself. Years ago, you never thought you would make it on your own but you have, you never thought you would have your own life outside of your parents, but you do,
you never thought you would have the balls to move to LA and become an actress but you're going to, you never thought you would be an individual, but you are. Yes, you are different from others, but that's what makes you great, and its going to take a special person to realize that. He'll come into your life, but only when you're ready.

So take this and read it whenever you are down. I know you're down right now, but keep fighting like you have been doing, the fight will be worth it in the end.

To: Me
From: Me