There I said it...

(Takes a breath...)I take laxatives sometimes after I eat too much so I won't gain more weight. I don't really do it anymore, but at a low point last summer, I was doing it about three times a week. Does that make me bullemic?

I have addressed my horrible body images on this blog before, so I hate going into detail because it becomes boring and repetitve. But, I feel like I have to get it out but its something I need to admit to it to myself. What better way than to put it in some sort of permanent print form!

I believe it all started when I was about 11 or 12. My parents are always the type to keep it real, so when puberty hit and I started picking up a little weight. My mother would cut my portions in half, and my father would tell me I was getting fat without hesitation. My father is the type to put issues on the table that are the truth, whether you care or not, and because I am the way I am, I cared. That was the first time I ever had any thought to any weight issues whatsoever. As a result, my weight fluctuates dramatically to this day, I have clothes in my closet ranging from size 4 to 12. I've always also struggled with some sort of depression, and when that depression hits, I don't eat.

I don't think that its an eating disorder. I've never been anorexic or bullemic or anything like that, but whenever something is going wrong in my life. I turn to my body because that's something that I can actually control.

What brought this on was that I noticed that as I get older, physical appearance is a major part of people's existence. Someone can be the nicest, more sincere person in the world, and people will not give a shit just because they are fat or "ugly". A heavier woman who works at my job is a very nice person and a really hard worker. But when our boss goes on business trips to meet clients that she brings in, he never takes her. He takes the cute, skinny, no personality blonde. Sadly, living in the south its so much worse that the rest of the country percieves it too be.

The black women, at least, are never really pressured to keep that weight down, and larger women will make that occasional trip to the gym but not because they want to lose weight or get healthy, they just want to "tone up a little". If you're thin, they tell you need to eat or think something's wrong with you. I am average weight, average height, and even when I hit my heaviest not to long ago, at least once or twice a week, someone always commented on how small I was. When I went to lunch with co-workers and I didn't finish my meal, or better yet turned down a meal, they would ask me if I was sick.

My body issues are still prevalent because of these two reasons. The first reason being that I want to be an actress, I'm not light-skinned nor do I have caucasian features, so I'm going to be at a disadvantage. I'm going to have to keep my weight in check in order for me to have a chance. The second reason, as screwed up as this is, I feel like if I gain weight I will be conforming to the stereotype of the southern black woman. Since I live in a small town in the south, there are very few black women that I have met here who believe in keeping themselves in shape. They would rather be fat with a man who treats them like shit, than be healthy without one. They are unmarried with kids, no job, and if they have a man its usually a trifling one that they hold on to because they are scared to death of being alone. That's brutal, but its true.

What I am trying to work on, is not actually losing weight, but actually not being obsessed with losing it. Its a work in progress, but as cliche as it sounds, you have to admit you have one first.

Talk to myself

This has nothing to do with the topic, but Trina is not, repeat not going to be on Desperate Housewives, thank the Lord Jesus. I don't know if any of you have heard that rumor, but I for one had a mild stroke when I did.

I feel bad for you men. No wonder you have so much trouble. I've been noticing recently that girls talk a lot, I mean a lot. Not so much "I can't keep a secret, a lot", but "I can't shut up talking about myself who by the way is not very interesting" a lot. I don't have a lot of female friends, but the ones I do have do not have other female friends, because they for real cannot stop talking.

Its fine when you are natrually outgoing and you generally like getting to know about other people, that's fine. Its fine when your frustrated and venting. Its fine if you have a exciting job, and travel you have a lot to say. Its fine when you have an engaging personality (not from your own assesment, but from observations of others). Its also fine when you occasionally let the other person get a word in edgewise, and listen to them when they do. But when you go on for 30 minutes about what color your hair used to be, so much that you don't notice that the other person is not responding to anything you say? Houston, you have a problem.

Attention whore at the part time job talks like that. She lives with her husband who is a mechanic, and does nothing else but sit at home and be a mechanic, but she not only will she talk non-stop about her husband sitting at home being mechanic, she finds a way to relate it to your own personal everyday issues.

For example:

"I bought these new pants yesterday, and I don't think they fit. I'm taking them back."

"Oh, the same thing happened to Kenneth last week, and this man at his job told him to go to this store and pick these blue pants that will fit him better than the ones he has now and (insert who gives a shit here)". Are you kidding me?

It is my natrual reation to let myself not be an asshole, but believe me if I don't say it I'm damn sure going to have a look on my face that does.

The person who I spoke of earlier who talked for 20 minutes about being blond last year, was a new girl that was just hired. Who may very well be a nice person, but I don't give a shit because she talks too damn much. She even turned to me and said, "You're so quiet, I don't understand it." No bitch, of course you don't. I usually enjoy conversations with people. You know what conversations are, right? No? Exchanges? Reciprocity? Any one of these words clickin' the ol' noggin? Didn't think so.

The ghetto bitch who I used to get into it with all the time who worked here, never even stopped to take a breath. Now that I think about it, our fights usually started by me walking to the back going, "Oh my God, what the fuck, do you ever shut up!!!".

I know there are some truly wonderful females out there, I have met them and have been fortunate enough to be good friends with some of them. My best friend is definately the best girl I know. So I'm wondering is this an epidemic I don't know about? Is it new, and most importantly...Is this what it takes to get a man?

Why Tyra Banks is a Cunt

I'm getting over being sick as a dog for about the last 10 days. Every time I get that sick, after its over I feel like I'm beginning to recover from an ass beating, so I apologize in advance for the extreme bitterness of this post.

This is an short essay entitled "Why Tyra Banks is a cunt.", Students feel free to plagerize this at your own leisure.

Tyra Banks is a cunt. Tyra Banks is indeed a super cunt. There are many fake, mean, superficial people in Hollywood, or in the world for that matter. But there's something a just a little extra special about Tyra Banks.

What sparked interest for my little rant, is that I've been home sick for the last few days, and I got to catch a little talk show called "The Tyra Banks Show." We'll just take one particular episode that I saw that entailed Tyra trying to rehabilitate a porn star who works under the name "Tyra Bankxxx". This girl was about 20, it was obvious that the only reason that she was there was because she was going to get some national exposure. Tyra felt that it was her duty to take this one particular girl who carried her name, and get her off the pole. Tyra asked her about 3 times within a 30 minute interview, why me? why my name? and Ms. Bankxxx proceeded to wax poetic about how she admired her and how beautiful she was, and how people always told her how much she looked like the real Tyra, to which Tyra turned up her nose. Tyra proceeded to make a big announcement that she was going to help get her life together by giving her a scholarship to.....cosmetology school.

I don't know about you, but if I'm making $1500 a day doing what I do, I'm not trying to stop it so that I can cut some hair. Tyra was so proud when she announced this, and Ms. Bankxxx on camera gave a face like she didn't give a shit. Needless to say, I saw and update with her and she's still on the pole. Tyra has continued to have such intriguing and enlightening guests such as Superhead, and every single contestant to ever audition for America's Next Top Model.

I know what your thinking, stop hating on Tyra, she's doing her thing. Fine. But when your godmother calls you when your feeling low, and she gives you such uplifting advice such as, "Why don't you write Tyra a letter, she helps a lot of young people, she'll do the same for you." Tyra falls in that short category of people who I named "People who think we're stupid." That list includes perennial members Michael Jackson and R.Kelly, and its a hard list to get on.

Tyra first and foremost people, is a model, she didn't go to college, she didn't solve world hunger, she is not a humanitarian. She is a model. She is one of those dumb people who's become successful because of timing and luck, so she has the idea implanted in her mind that she made it because she's smart. She's not. Also, don't believe that modeling is that happy go lucky reality show that is portrayed on ANTM. Its not. I went to college with a whole bunch of "models" and they were all no personality/evil bitches. This woman is such a mean spirited bitch that she brought Naomi Campbell on her show and tried to embarasss her national television. Why? Because Naomi pretty much ran her out of fashion modeling because Naomi had more pull, so Tyra had to slum into Sports Illustrated and Victoria's Secret. She did not choose her career path, she was replaced. Naomi as much as a bitch that she is, took it like a champ.

Also, I must comment. The implant show, where she had a doctor give her an ultrasound to prove her breasts were real? We'll when you have implants for a little while enough fat grows over them where you don't see them in ultrasound. Hence, the whole show was a lie.

This concludes my essay on "Why Tyra Banks is a Cunt".


UPDATE: For those of you who think that she wasn't lying about her boobs. Here's a
closeup of the implant scar.

Riding the Bullet

I never really realized how much of my personality is connected to my cable television. I also never realized how much I am afraid to embrace change. Sound weird? I will explain.

I currently have Comcast Digital Cable that I pay almost $100 a month for. Honestly I can't afford it, but I always defend myself by saying that I really have no extravagances in my life, no shopping, no shoes, no nice restaurants, so I will enjoy having the luxury of watching good cable television. That being said, my cable has been out for the past week. Its been on and off for the past 2 months. I made a service call, they fixed it and it worked for exactly one day, and it went out again the next morning. It has even gotten to the point where I can pinpoint the day and the time it goes out. I can also pinpoint the day it comes back on.

So, the last draw was yesterday, even thought the Comcast people are usually very nice to me, I got a cunt. She was a straight up condescending ghetto ass cunt. See, since I'm in the south, comcast is somewhat of a monopoly here, so you can't really switch cable providers, but I was fed up. I asked her is there anyone on call who they can page to come fix my cable. She said none of the workers come in until Monday. I went into my usual spiel with I pay $95 a month for cable and its off more than its on. Its been fluctuating in and out for two months. She said, "Two months, huh, I thought you just said two weeks." Fucking bitch, that's not what I said. You see people, I usually don't go off on customer service people because they are subordinates and they know less about whats going on than the actual customer. If you're going to cuss someone out, cuss out the district or general managers. She didn't even listen to my complaints, after she got done I said, "Fuck you, I'm getting direct TV bitch."

Direct TV, is way, way less expensive than digital cable, they do provide service in my apartment current complex (although thats not what i was told), and much like when I moved to my apartment last year, I wonder why I didn't switch long time ago. I guess I have been paranoid since birth about making rash decisions, even down to being wary of switching cable providers. Why? It seems when I make a decision completely on my own, it totally goes to shit and my family rides me about it. Not that I should care, but its bad enough when know you do something stupid, but when you have 2 or 3 other people confirming your suspicions it drives you quite insane.

Oh, and where is it I want to move to again? Oh, yeah, clear across the country, right....

Desperate dot com part 2

You just knew it was going to be a part two, didn't ya

No, since my last post, it has not been my last visit to adult friend finder, I am shamed to admit. So since I believe my last experience has reached finality (is that a word?), I can talk about it with my head hung in shame.

I have not stopped reading the emails on the site, until one finally caught my attention. His profile went something like this:

I am a chill guy who usually goes out, but I am looking for someone to stay in with me. Going down on a girl is the best thing in the world to me, so if you can hang shoot me an email.

After a little investigative research by Addam and I, we found his profile on the face book and he was hella cute. I was going to leave it alone, but he gave me his yahoo screen name, and of course, I have a story to tell.

I was bored one night sitting in the house, going on about 2 months with no sex because I about had it with my former f.b. So I decided to talk to my dear chill guy to see what he was all about. We had actually a nice little two hour conversation on line, he was witty, funny, sexy and I was reluctantly intrigued.

So since its adult friend finder, he knew what he was there for, so the question came up. I played coy and said that I had company coming over and maybe later on in the week. He said we could meet, and we didn't have do anything. Of course, it was an obvious lie, but I appreciated the fact that he did lie. Then I offered to come over his house, and he kept making excuses for me not to. Which said to me, maybe he thought I was crazy. I though it was great, because if he was that paranoid about me being crazy, that means that he probably wasn't. So finally after a lot of dirty talk, I broke down and let him come over. I know..I know, it was stupid and a risk, but I did it and it was done, accept consequences later.

Fifteen minutes later, he was here, hot and reeking of axe effect.

Ten minutes after that, I officially became a slut.

Afterwards, it was weird, because he left me wanting more, but it was bad because its was adult friend finder, not the website you use to help search for your soulmate. I wasn't looking for any kind of friendship or companionship at all after that, just kind of hoping for a hookup on a regular basis. He played coy, and left.

I've talked to him online only a couple of times since then and I can tell by his attitude that he does this quite a bit, and its only going to be chalked up to a one night stand. Its cool, though. No regrets. But since I got burned, I am officially, officially, for real done with adult friend finder.