First the weave, now this....

So guess what I made a major decision this past week. The second big that I have made on my own next to the sew-in weave, and I'm just as excited.

I'm going to see a psychiatrist.

Why you ask? Do I think I'm crazy? No, I don't. Do I feel like I'm getting there? Not quite, but eventually yes. Its not anything major...well actually it is. But these are the three major topics that I'm planning on covering in my time there, and I really hope he has answers because I sure as hell don't. I feel bad because I really think no one I know, including my best friend really knows how bad it is, because I hide it so much, hence another problem.

1. I have horrible anxiety.
It may spawn from depression, who knows; but I am horribly non-confrontational. I hate it. Even when I know I'm right and it is a confrontation that has to happen, especially me being a manager, it makes me sick to my stomach, whether the event acutally takes place or not. Also, even when a confrontation happens and I know I'm right, I still have this underlying need to smooth things over in some way because I have to have everything go back to normal. "Not rocking the boat."

2. I have unhealthy relationships with men
This is arguably the biggest problem, I actually should have put that in all caps. I have been hurt by men my entire life, and it has affected me more than I realized. It's so bad that I don't even think about men in terms in relationships anymore, I think of them as sexual conquests. I figure its just easier to give them what they want and get out, rather than even trying to let them get to know me, because I'm so sure that they're going to be disappointed when they do. I blame my parents.

3. I have anger issues
Anyone who knows me, is fully aware that I supress my anger a lot. I hate actually getting angry because once again, I'm scared of once again,"not rocking the boat", I would much rather things go back to normal or remain normal than actually express my anger and say how I really feel. So because of all this tension, when I do get mad, oh lord. Someone can literally step on my toe and I will cuss them out until I have tears in my eyes.

I believe that everything else I have to talk about is supplemental to those three. I don't want to go on any type of medication, so I really hope this works.

It has now come to pass..

So, its been forever and two days since my last post, but dammit I've been having issues.

Which ones shall I address first?
Oh, yeah I moved back home. It doesn't suck so bad because I'm never there. I haven't quite reaped the full benefits yet because I remembered part of the reason I moved back there in the first place is because of financial trouble. My parents so far haven't gotten on my nerves quite yet, especially my mother who (shock of my life) has been chipper and supportive. I guess since she has someone to talk to now she's not quite so angry all the time. Same with my father.

Oh, yeah, at the rate things are going now leaving in December is looking quite bleak. I'm way broker than I thought I was.

Umm, what else. If you have read my blogs in the past you probably remember psycho ghetto bitch who made my life hell all last summer. I started smoking because of that bitch. She supposedly got a job last summer in Atlanta, and I thought I was rid of her for good. Well, she's back, and she wants her old job. The good news is that my boss actually asked me if it was okay to let her come back, to which I said a resounding hell no. The bad news is she's still in town, and she has friends here.
I taped the numbers to the campus and city police to the bottom of my drawer just in case shit pops off, because I can't be fighting nobody at my job. In fact, that's what prompted my frustration so much, because I couldn't hit her because I was at my job. She makes my stomach hurt. I don't know why. I'm still trying to sort out if she intimidates me because she's crazy or if she flat out makes me uncomfortable because I don't like her. I don't know, the drama continues.

Did almost get into a fight the other day though, which my friend Addam nonsurprisingly. And it wasn't a heated exchanged either, it was a I got up in his face with my fists balled and lunged at him fight. I won't even spare you the details as to what the fight was about, because it was stupid. I wasn't drunk, but I was feeling alright off a couple of beers. Keep in mind Addam is about 6'4 and 240, so you could tell he really pissed me off. Everything's cool now, though.

Let's see what else. Oh, I really like Jessica Simpson's new video. I just had to say that out loud so I didn't have live with just the private shame anymore.

I hate Beyonce's new one. Very proud to admit that one.

Jessica Alba Ain't no Star

I don't know why this has been bothering me so much lately, but it has, so I will do my haterism check first..(Am I hating? am I hating? Am I jealous?...Nope, I can proceed) I can now proceed. Jessica Alba ain't no star.

Now due to my countless hours of research on the net, the way to make it really big, really really quick in Hollywood does not require a) talent, b) looks (see Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Anniston, or apparently now c) star quality. All it takes, ladies and gentlemen, is a really good publicist. I knew this was true when I saw the Kristen from Laguna Beach make the cover of US weekly for sleeping with Nick Lachey. Yes, she's not a huge star or anything, but that bitch had her own TV show and filmed a movie. There are many other actors in Hollywood who have been in the game for eons and cannot say that.

Back to Jessica, I have seen this bitch host the movie awards, she's in paparazzi shots every day, and a lot of people know her name, too. She's not just a little famous. She's a legitmate actress.

I know you're saying now, she's famous because she's pretty(in some people's opinion anyway, I don't think she's all that, but what do I know). Well, there are many, many pretty girls in Hollywood, and plenty of them do not stick out in a crowd, much like Miss Alba. I've seen her on several talk shows as well. She's really boring. Not stupid "I'm an idiot" boring like Ms. Hilton, but "I'm really am not interested in anything you have to say because I don't care and you don't have any star quality" boring. I mean look at this:



***ZZZZZZZZ*****

There are plenty of people who I absolutely hate Paris Hilton, Puffy, Jennifer Lopez, who I totally resent that have no talent who should not be famous. But the reason that they evoke so much hatred, is because they are stars. Meaning, even if they weren't famous somehow some kind of way they would stick out in a crowd. I actually invest time into hating these people. But yet somehow Jessica Alba landed the only female superhero role in a profitable comic book franchise.

Even as I'm writing about her I'm getting bored.

So what is the point of all this? Basically, unless somehow I luck up and find some fantastic publicist who accept new clients by payment of sexual favors, without upfront cash, I'm screwed.