Accepting Singledom

Haven't had a boyfriend in 7 years. But I was in a relationship for 6. This is how I phrase it now. My state of mind changed. It doesn't quite sound as pathetic because one piggybacked off of another. Truth is I haven't had a boyfriend, because I was in a relationship for 6 years.

This is also the first time in about, gasp, 8 or 9 years, where I really actually feel single. And by single, there ain't nobody. No sex. I mean single in terms of no fuck buddy, no one that I'm messing with, nothing. I have been in deep, deep depressions because I thought that I was such as pathetic loser, so unattatractive, that no one wanted me for 7 years, but the truth I haven't been without a "relationship" for no longer than 2 months since the age of 20. I'm 29. Sexual relationships count as relationships.

Another truth, is that most the most part I have sabotaged a lot of my relationships from the beginning. Realtionships that where a couple could have actually been my boyfriend. I remember I was screwing the janitor in my building at the university, I totally turned that in a sexual relationship. I guess he was just trying to befriend me, but I pushed it, because I felt there was no hope for a future there, (aka so I won't get hurt). The only guy I have actually had sex with in California besides Mike actually had a girlfriend, and we were just talking, But as ususal I rushed the sex, because I knew there was no future. Plus, I only wanted someone around to take my mind off Mike. How it ended was that he was disappointed that I wasn't more limber during sex, he also expressed that my body would be so much better if I worked out.
Click.

I have to really accept my singledom. I never have before. Ever. Its lonely. But I am. Single. Sadly, it took Mike getting a girlfirend to turn things around. But it would still be so easy to think he's still mine, because the girl doesn't live in LA. And old me would think, oh when she's not around he's with me. Not very different as to what I thought to myself in the past, unfortunately. I can say that I won't be by myself forever, but I also have to accept that I may, and that has to be okay too.

Break Over....

Mike a.ka. Loverboy got a girlfriend. One who he is madly in love with and wants to marry by the end of this year. And yes, I am miserable. I mean MIZ-ER-ABLE. I’ve been in this sadomashichistic relationship for 6 years now, torturing myself everday, and even more so by living with him, and this is how it ends? He gets to be happy? After all the wrong he’s done to me and the millions of other women in the world, he gets to live happily ever after? So not fair, but then again the world isn’t fair, that’s for damn sure. I have been a straight up basket case ever since I moved in that damn house, and this is the result. I’m leaving out a lot of the gory details, but in a nutshell, Mike doesn’t see me as girlfriend potential at all, he sees himself as his poor miserable friend that he has to bail out and help when he’s in a jam. Helpless friend by the way. helpless as in stupid. He doesn’t know me very well at all. I mean at all, and you have to seriously have to be a self-involved shell of a person to talk to someone every day for 6 damn years and not know them at all.

Truth be told, I am obsessed with this situation.Obsessed as to why he doesn’t want me in that way, obsessed as to how I can be disregarded so quickly, and obsessed as to why my self-esteem is so horrible that I actually want this boy to want me. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough or clueless, or why everything about me is wrong. We had a talk and I told him not to talk about her to me, because I don’t want to hear it. I can’t hear it, its too much. And I obviously loved him more than I thought. We’re barely speaking at this point, and it needs to be that way. In the same breath, I can’t believe how much I fucked up. It makes me sick to my stomach to go home everyday, knowing that I spent so much time waiting for this boy to love me, just to see him give completely of himself to someone else.

The break is over I will keep everyone posted.