The Deprogram

Its been an interesting journey so far since my move. I have learned more about myself in the last 3 and a half months than in the last 2 years. To summarize what I have learned about myself per a converstation with my cousin: I have absolutely no self image, I cannot make a decision on my own, and I have only gotten this far in life because I'm good at being told what to do.

I have never spoken about my upbringing on this blog before because it (a)makes me angry, (b)I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and (c) I am trying to deprogram everything that I was taught growing up. In short, my father used to be a domineering asshole (he's evolved greatly since then, thank god), my mother was a doormat for him (still), my sister and I hated each other for most of our lives, end of story.

I guess they did do something right, because I am fairly normal to the naked eye, but that's only after many, many years of being on my own. I guess you would never know it because of this blog, but I am by nature a very quiet person. Introverted, almost. I have a lot of trouble speaking my mind. I feel nautious when I know I there is a confrontation. Even though I will never admit it out loud, I have a problem with people not liking me. The reason why is because most of my life, I never had any friends. The highlighted reasons being: I was by myself a lot, hence I didn't really react to people...still don't, hence people thought I was weird. If I met a friend I wasn't allowed to hang out with them, and also if I met someone that was cool, something always happened where they either moved away, or just plain outgrew me. All girls school. No boys in my life. Even as friends. If so, always cussed out by my dad. The one and only boyfriend was chased away by my dad at age 17 when he wanted to come see me. I know, tear.

Stability sucks by the way. Don't do that to your children. Move to a new house at least once, just for kicks. They may hate it at first, but they will thank you when they get older. I lived in the same house from birth to age 18. Every one I knew moved away at some point. I have a lot of trouble adapting to new situations. The only reason I went to college in Missouri because I wanted to go somewhere where my parents had no chance of popping up ever. I couldn't take living in that hell anymore.

Moving to LA is literally the only thing I have ever done completely for myself. I have been afraid to go for my fullest potential, because I always felt intimidated by it. I am working very, very hard to deprogram all this shit.