More of the same....

I'm in a rut. Not in a "I hate my life" kind of way; but more like a "everything is the fucking same no matter what I do; so therefore I hate my life" kind of way. I hope that makes sense.

I literally have until May of next year to decide what the hell I'm going to do with my life. This deadline was not something that was concocted out of my own head; this is when my lease is up. I have to renew it way in advance so I actually have to get my shit together way before then. I'm so lost. Let's go over the examples very, very brief detail shall we!

1. I don't make any money at my 2 jobs!!!
I work in two very laid back work environments, I have great insurance, I can pretty much do whatever I want at my jobs. But I don't make money. Yes, I have a roof over my head and food, blah, blah. But if something serious comes up like me needing a new car or having to pay a lot of money to fix my current one. I'm fucked.

2. I need a new car
I drive a car that is paid for. For those of you have a car note, you all understand what a huge relief that is. Problem is; the transmission is not the best right now, and when the transmission is not great, you need a new car. I don't even feel its safe enough to take on the highway, so even if I wanted to drive somewhere. I couldn't. Why not buy a new car? Refer to exhibit 1.

3. I need a more grownup life.
This one is hard to explain. I pretty much live the life of a college student without the actual classes. Yes, I work 13 hour days but most of it is spent on or near a college campus. I eat a lot junk food. I'm always broke. I don't even own a decent suit. There are people I know around here who are even older than me who still attend greek parties, frequently. There's nothing wrong with it every once in a while, but they attend parties at the frat houses. That's just wrong.
No one really wants to get old, I certainly don't. But there comes a time when you have to face the inevitable. Its coming and new responsibilities come with it.

4. There is no possibility of ever having a relationship here.
Yes, I want to get married. Not in a co-dependency type way, but I though at this time in my life I would at least be in serious relationship. Well, that's kind of hard considering every black male who lives in your city is either half your age, and if they are your age they still act like they are half your age, because they're almost 30 and still in undergrad. Not saying anywhere else would be any different, but here there's no room to even experiment.

5. I'm too comfortable
With all of its flaws, living in a small town does have its benefits. It pains me to admit that more than anything else, but its true. I pay less than $500 a month for a 2 bedroom apt. It takes me exactly 7 minutes to get from home to work. When I'm bored, I usually walk right across the street to my friends' house even at 1 or 2 in the morning. Its a $5 cover to get into the club. I can always go to my parents house to do laundry for free and eat dinner if I want. I went to rite aid at 10 Saturday night and left the car door wide open for about a hour, I came back and my car was unharmed. Get my drift? Its just really easy, and harder than I imagined to give up.

6. I'm scared that when I do leave I'll want to come back.
When I went to LA, and realized the one half to three quarters of my time was spent in car. I hated it. I was thinking "how the hell do people drive so damn much?" But people do, everyday with no problem. Love the aspect of being in a place where life actually moves forward instead of standing still. Hate all the driving and the fact I have to travel (gasp) somewhere for 2 hours and I'm not leaving the damn state. I also hated the fact I had to figure out so many things on own and actually somewhat pay attention to what I was doing. I have driven on the highway drunk here with one contact in my eye and paid less attention. That will take some getting used to.

7. Last but not least
My ex-fiance called me. I haven't heard from him in two and a half years. I haven't changed my phone number so it was easy for him to call. But while I was avoiding the phone; I thought to myself even if I had a different phone number and I live in a different place it would be really easy for him to find me. He knows some of the same people I know, he knows where I work, he knows where my parents live, he knows my car. Hell, all he needed to do was go to my old apartment complex and ask my old landlords where I was b/c they knew us really well. They would happily given up the information. I hate that. That's reason enough to move to Timbuk 2 if I have to.