I've lost my blog mojo, lately. I haven't been real enough in the past few posts
Okay, so I'll be honest here. I'm tempted to be the most honest that I have most been on a blog, but if not I'll be pretty damn honest.
So I have a male friend who I have mentioned on this blog before once or twice. I was/am in love with this said male friend, right now I'm hopelessly caught between the two.
Male friend sucks. Ass. He's the worst possible human being to ever be in a relationship with. He's a hoe, he's stubborn as hell, and he's self-involved as all get out. At the root of it all though, he is a good person, hence the feelings.
I've come to terms with the fact that we'll never be together. Ever.
I've also come to terms with the fact that even if we were together, I would not be able to trust him. Ever.
I also accept the fact that he sleeps with other women, frequently. It still makes me uncomfortable, but I know it happens.
Well, this is what I hate. I hate when he lies to me like he's my boyfriend. I hate that. If its already established that we're friends, why do you feel the need to play it off when I hear other women in the background? That pisses me off even more than if he actually told me, "yeah, I'm in the middle of having screwing some chick, call me back."
Also, my current deduction is this. I'm the female friend. The plain chick that you see in the movies. I'm the chick who's like a guy friend that the male whore keeps on the backburner for a long time, just in case he decides he wants to settle down in the far future. I feel that even if we didn't talk anymore, he would still look me up 20 years down the line, broke with nothing accomplished in his life, saying how much he loves me, how stupid he was, and propose and my stupid ass would probably fall for it hook, line, and sinker.
At this point, I'm tired. I'm tired of wondering if I will be able to give myself to someone because I'm still into this asshole. I'm tired of it being an unspoken rule that no matter who I sleep with, that he will always come first. I'm also tired of being so scared that he's going to be out of my life forever, that I play stuff off that its not a big deal.
Its not a healthy relationship. I already started by not talking to him as much anymore, but that's not good enough, something has really gotta give. Any suggestions?
3 comments:
Wow, words couldn't explain my reaction when I read this entry. I hope you don't mind, I've read your blogs before and they're so real and honest, I always check for updates. But this one I have to comment on because I feel the exact same way about my "male" friend. It's like you took the words out of my mouth. I'm attempting to try and "distance" myself from him, but like you said, it's not enough. I still think about him all the time, and it's driving me nuts. It'll probably take time to get rid of this feeling, but who's to say it'll ever really go away.
To be honest, walking away from someone when you have those feelings is one of the hardest things you can do. However, you should walk away and leave on your terms. Don't wait for him to make the decision for you and get over him by default i.e. he's done with you. It's that heart head disconnect. Your head knows better but your heart can't let go. All I can say is you do come out on the other side of these things. Will you miss him - yes. Does it hurt - most definitely. Will you eventually get over it - at some point you will. That's not to say you'll no longer have feelings for him it just won't hurt anymore. I've been there. And believe me you owe it to yourself to love yourself enough to want better than this.
some words of advice "my truth", I've read the books "he's not that into you " and "its called a breakup because its broken", and they both pretty much changed my life.
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