It has now come to pass..

So, its been forever and two days since my last post, but dammit I've been having issues.

Which ones shall I address first?
Oh, yeah I moved back home. It doesn't suck so bad because I'm never there. I haven't quite reaped the full benefits yet because I remembered part of the reason I moved back there in the first place is because of financial trouble. My parents so far haven't gotten on my nerves quite yet, especially my mother who (shock of my life) has been chipper and supportive. I guess since she has someone to talk to now she's not quite so angry all the time. Same with my father.

Oh, yeah, at the rate things are going now leaving in December is looking quite bleak. I'm way broker than I thought I was.

Umm, what else. If you have read my blogs in the past you probably remember psycho ghetto bitch who made my life hell all last summer. I started smoking because of that bitch. She supposedly got a job last summer in Atlanta, and I thought I was rid of her for good. Well, she's back, and she wants her old job. The good news is that my boss actually asked me if it was okay to let her come back, to which I said a resounding hell no. The bad news is she's still in town, and she has friends here.
I taped the numbers to the campus and city police to the bottom of my drawer just in case shit pops off, because I can't be fighting nobody at my job. In fact, that's what prompted my frustration so much, because I couldn't hit her because I was at my job. She makes my stomach hurt. I don't know why. I'm still trying to sort out if she intimidates me because she's crazy or if she flat out makes me uncomfortable because I don't like her. I don't know, the drama continues.

Did almost get into a fight the other day though, which my friend Addam nonsurprisingly. And it wasn't a heated exchanged either, it was a I got up in his face with my fists balled and lunged at him fight. I won't even spare you the details as to what the fight was about, because it was stupid. I wasn't drunk, but I was feeling alright off a couple of beers. Keep in mind Addam is about 6'4 and 240, so you could tell he really pissed me off. Everything's cool now, though.

Let's see what else. Oh, I really like Jessica Simpson's new video. I just had to say that out loud so I didn't have live with just the private shame anymore.

I hate Beyonce's new one. Very proud to admit that one.

Jessica Alba Ain't no Star

I don't know why this has been bothering me so much lately, but it has, so I will do my haterism check first..(Am I hating? am I hating? Am I jealous?...Nope, I can proceed) I can now proceed. Jessica Alba ain't no star.

Now due to my countless hours of research on the net, the way to make it really big, really really quick in Hollywood does not require a) talent, b) looks (see Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Anniston, or apparently now c) star quality. All it takes, ladies and gentlemen, is a really good publicist. I knew this was true when I saw the Kristen from Laguna Beach make the cover of US weekly for sleeping with Nick Lachey. Yes, she's not a huge star or anything, but that bitch had her own TV show and filmed a movie. There are many other actors in Hollywood who have been in the game for eons and cannot say that.

Back to Jessica, I have seen this bitch host the movie awards, she's in paparazzi shots every day, and a lot of people know her name, too. She's not just a little famous. She's a legitmate actress.

I know you're saying now, she's famous because she's pretty(in some people's opinion anyway, I don't think she's all that, but what do I know). Well, there are many, many pretty girls in Hollywood, and plenty of them do not stick out in a crowd, much like Miss Alba. I've seen her on several talk shows as well. She's really boring. Not stupid "I'm an idiot" boring like Ms. Hilton, but "I'm really am not interested in anything you have to say because I don't care and you don't have any star quality" boring. I mean look at this:



***ZZZZZZZZ*****

There are plenty of people who I absolutely hate Paris Hilton, Puffy, Jennifer Lopez, who I totally resent that have no talent who should not be famous. But the reason that they evoke so much hatred, is because they are stars. Meaning, even if they weren't famous somehow some kind of way they would stick out in a crowd. I actually invest time into hating these people. But yet somehow Jessica Alba landed the only female superhero role in a profitable comic book franchise.

Even as I'm writing about her I'm getting bored.

So what is the point of all this? Basically, unless somehow I luck up and find some fantastic publicist who accept new clients by payment of sexual favors, without upfront cash, I'm screwed.

The Plight of the Needy Woman

I've been wanting to write about this for a while, but I just never found a way to express it. But there are straight up, a lot of needy ass women in this world. And I can spot one a mile away, and predict the disaster that ensues later.

I consider myself somewhat of an expert on this subject because a) I am a direct descendant of the needy of all that is needy...my mother.
b) because the neediness is in my genes, I have also battled the needy disease quite a few times in my life. Kind of like a vampire fighting his thirst for blood. Kind of like Blade, yeah, that's good..like Blade.

I define needy as someone who literally defines themselves by a man, who can not do anything without their man, who will suffocate themselves if their man even threatens to leave them. Which is why, the said man stays with them in the first place, for fear of what will happen if they don't.

Neediness translates very seamlessly into other behavior patterns as well, the most recognizable one being extreme aggressiveness. If a needy woman does not get what she wants when she wants, she will cut you. What happens is her man disappoints her in some way, and because she is scared to death to piss off said man she will never say anything out of turn to him, but instead she will vent her frustrations on any and everything that does not go her way.

I will use as a basis for plot outline, my friend Jessica. Jessica has never had a real boyfriend before, until she met Bob 2 years ago. Bob is everything she's always wanted, tall, cute, articulate and on top of that they share the same interests. Jessica hits the jackpot. Well, see Bob has been in a relationship before and still talks to her, so he pretty much could give a shit about the "building a future together" deal.

Bob has broken up with Jessica twice before because he said he did not want to get too involved, to which Jessica called incessantly because she just wanted to "hang out".
Jessica has a nice paid for house that she owns, but because Bob won't stay there Jessica stays in Bob's shitty apartment, all the time. Bob was accepted to grad school in Brooklyn, so Jessica offers to go. He did not ask her, she offered. This from her mouth, mind you. She says she wants to be in New York for her art career, but keep in mind I've known her for about 3+ years and I have never heard her mention a thing about moving to New York.

She's on the computer looking for apartments and working 8 hours a day, while Bob works his part time, chilling knowing that he's going to have a loan check come in soon and he does not have to do shit.

Last, but not least, Jessica could not stop whining about Bob. I politely suggest why not just let him go first, and when you get money saved up, you move up there later. That did not go over very well.

And Jessica bitched me out, literally threw a tantrum, the other day because I told her that I did not want to hear the name Bob or anything that rhymes with for the rest of the day.

**Holds up pom-poms and cheers*** NEEDY!

Women like this scare me. I understand the dealing with the daily trials and tribs. of low self-esteem but damn!! If you're that scared that he's going to leave you he probably does not want to be with you for real in the first place. Two, he's with you know, he's not going anywhere, so how's it going to be when you're in a place where you two know no one and you'll be clinging to him like a bump on a log.

Sorry, Jessica this will not end well, it never does.

I Get Stood Up a Lot

I get stood up a lot. A lot.

Most of time it happens, when I meet some guy whether it be out in public, or other places (okay, the internet) and they contact me saying that they want to meet me. Usually the first suggestion is that they want to come over my house, or they want me to come over theirs, to which I say no. I often suggest that they meet me somewhere, like somewhere for coffee or something.

So lets take for example, last night. Unfortunately, yes, I have a myspace. And until, about last week, I had absolutely no idea that it should be retitled "Ass-gettin' central" because I did not have a clue that it was hook up city. I get messages on there all the time from men, questionable ones at best, who want to...you know.

Well, about 2 days ago it was different. One who contacted me was actually really cute, dare I say gorgeous. Not that looks should ever matter in the grand scheme of things, but we're just talking about sex here, not planning an engagement party. Anyway, we talked non-stop for two days on myspace. Some words were dirty, some not.

Turns out he lives here, about 5 minutes away from my job to be exact. So I got fed up with all the dirty talk and started hinting around about us meeting to see what he would do. Not expecting much, because I've been through this before and knew that if he had even the smallest feeling that wasn't getting ass, he wouldn't show up.

There's a coffee shop and a movie rental place right behind that I usually hit up about every Friday after work, so I told him to meet me there. So I wouldn't be going out of my way or anything. He was all, "Yeah baby, I can't wait until 9, I don't know if I'm going to make it that long." Yeah, okay.

So I went and got my green tea anyway as planned, no phone call, no guy, no big deal. It was fun while it lasted, kept me entertained for at least 2 days so that was a plus.

The last time this happened was some dude I met at the gas station, who kept going on about how pretty I was and he needed a good, clean girl. Yeah, okay. I told him I had a boyfriend so he can back off, but I gave him my number anyway, just to see what would happen, who cares? I'm too hard on dudes, anyway, need to give a couple a break. If not, caller ID and call blocking exists for a reason right?

He called me and leaves me a message saying that he would like to see me tonight. All right, you want to see me so bad, I'm going to Taco Bell to eat during lunch, at 12, during the day... meet me then. I went, ate my two taco supremes, no dude, no phone call.

And do you know, that fool called me 2 weeks later leaving me non-stop messages saying "Ooh, I just have not stopped thinking about you, you remember me, I would love to come over your house."

Okay, you straight up stood me up, dude. You probably did it knowing you a) forgot, because it wasn't a priority to you or b) you knew you would have to work for ass.

Whatever.

I Don't Feel Sorry for Britney Anymore

I've been trying the post the actual interview that's on youtube.com , but alas Blogger sucks

After this interview I officially do not feel sorry for Britney Spears anymore.
This bitch is playing us hard.

Its painfully obvious that she knows her career is over and she cannot live without attention, and the only way she knows how is to keep the tabloids talking about her. I know Ms. Spears herself orchestrated all this because it also appears that she does not have a publicist. No handler in their right mind would not let her go on TV looking and sounding like that.

Also, I officially don't feel bad for her anymore for these two reasons. A) She never once calls her son by his name, she refers to him repeatedly as my baby; like a prized object or a new puppy. This is evident that her baby is more like a pretty, shiny new toy to her than an actual human being she needs to raise and care for. Disturbing

B) She's a really bad liar. Also, proof that she does not have a publicist because if she did; they would have prepped her hard for this interview.

Bitch, you knew they were going to ask you about Kevin. The two things, actually the only two things you need to do if you don't do anything else is look Matt Lauer straight in the eye when he asks you a question, not to the right, every five seconds, stupid bitch.

The second thing is, this is Dateline, child. Not some hillbilly talk show shit on CMT. Look stunning. Have your shit together, so at the very least the public will distracted by how fantastic you look so they can't really focus on how stupid you are. You will be able to get away a lot more shit in the public eye if you at look good. Hell, you see what it did for Angelina.

My posts have been running a little long lately and I can go on with this subject. But I will get off my soapbox now and let you discuss amongst yourselves.

My mother.

Well t minus three weeks and counting until I move in with my parents. I just got a washer and dryer installed in my apartment too, so now its really going to suck living at home.

I have talked myself in and out of it several times. I keep saying, maybe I can stay through the rest of the summer, maybe I can push it back until the end of July, maybe I can just go out there and find a job and then worry about moving.

But this will happen, if I push anything back any further, I will chicken out and be here at these nightmare jobs even longer than I planned to be. I will get backed up on bills and I will be here (gasp) yet another year. That cannot happen. I'm still fairly young, and I have to start living my life for me...for once. If I don't do itnow, I'll never do it.

It's not necessarily the swallowing my pride and moving back home that's bothering me. Seriously, its not. It's dealing with my insecure basketcase of a mother on a full time basis. Before I have had the luxury of knowing that whenever she bothers me, I just go home and not answer my phone. Now I'm stuck there with her neurotic ass, all day long. This is really bad to talk about my mom like this, but unfortunately its true.

I even dread the day that I finally get rich, because we probably won't speak anymore. Its not the fact that I won't give her any, its the fact that she will expect a million dollar check like clockwork every month. And she won't even really appreciate because she feels like its owed to her because she gave birth to me. Yes, that sounds absolutely horrible, but once again, unfortunately its true.

Which is also another one of the prime reasons that I'm moving across the county.

Don't get me wrong. It's not the fact that she's a bitch, really. I can almost accept bitchiness. It's the fact that she is selfish and insecure on a dangerous level, on a level that I or most people for that matter, have never seen. If she's mad it me about something, she can't just be mad and not talk to me. She has to rub it in my face every five minutes whether it be by phone messages or stalking, that she's mad at me and not talking to me.

Why can't I just cuss her out and be done with it you ask? Well, I also believe that my mother is mentally unstable, due to symptoms she inhabits that I looked up on the internet. You can't really get super mad at a person if you know that something medically is wrong with them, and they cannot mentally process that they are talking crazy, which I truly believe that mother does. Before you ask, no, she won't get help. Yes, I have offered. So has my sister. The only time her attitude gets in check is if my father threatens to leave her, when she starts having her one of her "episodes" as I like to call them.

Well, I guess my solution is this. Keep my door closed at all times. Tell my father to let her know in a very firm way to leave me alone about their marriage problems. Be prepared to leave at any time, anywhere. And also be prepared to not talk to her for a couple of weeks at a time on end.

I Finally Love My Hair

I love my hair. Love it. Love it. This is a monumental occasion for me because I never love my hair. Even when there is weave in it, I still never love my hair.

If you have read prior posts of mine, my hair has been an uphill battle. My natrual hair is thin, I'm taking some of the blame of this because of my neverending obsession of it growing long. My attitude usually is, it won't do anything because its not long enough yet, and I treat it accordingly.

Here's a brief chrononlogy:
In college, I was so desperate to be different. There were so many girls and I had to stick out. I had streaks, but I was bold one night and bought some dark and lovely honey blond hair color from the campus bookstore. Needless to say, I didn't know what I was doing, I left it in way too long, and I dyed my roots instead of my actual hair, and no I didn't get it fixed. I was too broke.

That same year, I got some braids. I left them in for a month before it was time to go home for spring break. When time came to take them out, I was so hell bent on cutting them out it didnt occur to me that I needed to cut the braid at the end because my hair grew and I might cut my own actual hair. Needless to say, I didn't relay to my friend this information who was helping me cut them out. She was white, she didn't know. No, I didn't get it fixed. I was too broke.

When I did arrive at a beauty shop about 2 months later, the beautician proceeded to inform me that I looked like shit. So much that two beauticians had to cut my hair to fix the damage. I believe the quote was, "You look like a lawnmower ran through your head."
I had a picture of Salt from Salt N' Pepa from the very necessary album when she was super duper short, and I told her I wanted it cut like hers. I thought that it was a drastic change. She took the picture from my hand, took one look at it, looked at me and said, "Sweetie, you're hair isn't even this long now." I came out with my hair about one step above being shaved.

There was hair strike of 2001. I had the shittiest job known to man as an assistant manager in the mall where I had to where hats every day under hot lights. I hated that job, my boyfriend at the time, and life itself so much that I literally stopped combing my hair. I would throw some bobby pins in it and go to work and put a hat on. I believe it lasted about 2 months.

Skipping past the horrible haircut given to me about my aunt that I spoke of in an earlier post, after it grew back somewhat I got braids. The braids trend is repeat about every summer about the time that my hair becomes fried and overprocessed.

Now, we have a sewn in weave. Its great. Its easy, its not hot, you can actually take care of your own hair while wearing it, and most importantly it looks really natrual. Not one person, at least not yet anyway, who has complimented me on my hair has followed it by, "is it yours?". To which if it did I would happily respond, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is."

Stupid Stuff about Me

I want to thank my friend Anne-Marie, because I totally stole this off her myspace.
Feel free to copy and steal at your own risk.

What is the best way to get over someone?
sleep with someone else

What makeup do you wear on a daily basis?
carmex

What did you do today?
drank about two cups of coffee, attended two jobs but I don’t’ really remember anything else.

If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
pizza

What curse word do you use the most?
probably fuck.

Do you own an iPod?
yes

Who on your Myspace " top 8 " do you talk to the most?
there are only seven people on my thing, so this question is irrelevant

What time is your alarm clock set for?
8:30, but it’s an hour and a half too fast so I can freak myself out every morning

Have you ever bid for something on ebay?
yes

Do you wear flip-flops even when its cold outside?
no, I’m black.

Where do you buy your groceries from?
walmart and/or target

Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
Take it.

What was the last movie you watched?
in the movie theatre mission impossible 3 at home on cable, probably sky high

Do any of your friends have children?
Yes.

If you won the lottery, whats the first thing you would buy?
One way Plane ticket to LA

Has anyone ever called you lazy?
yes, my mother does a lot.

Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
simply sleep the dollar store brand on a rough day.

What CD is currently in your CD player?
Michael Jackson, off the wall

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
skim

Has anyone told you a secret this week?
no. most of the time its something I don’t want nor need to know.

When was the last time someone hit on you?
this afternoon at my mailbox.

What did you have for dinner?
healthy choice meal, country fried chicken

What is your biggest fear?
That leftover pouch thing that you get when you have a baby.

Like dark gray or light brown?
Both

Can you whistle?
yes. Not through my teeth though.

What is your favorite Christmas / winter movie?
Friday after Next, (ashamed) and Bad Santa

Do you make your own jewelery?
Nope

Have you ever participated in a protest?
no

Who was the last person to call you?
My friend Addam

What is your favorite ride at an amusement park?
That agoraphobia thing at Six Flags. The one where they take you 200 feet in the air very slowly and drop you like a pin.

What is something you must do everyday?
Drink coffee probably.

Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
By dated do you mean have sex with?

What area code are you in right now?
too embarrased to say

How big is your local mall?
Small. Both one level. With no banana republic. Shitty.

What is your job title?
Field Supervisor for one. Assistant Project Coordinator for another.

What do you miss most?
Shopping.

Would you ever sky dive?
Maybe, I’m pretty sure I’d have to be on something.

What are you allergic to?
Air. My allergies get worse every year.

What is your biggest regret?
Not dumping my ex-boyfriend first.

Have you ever had Jamba Juice?
No.

When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt?
Saturday or Sunday? When my best friend and I were talking about how much of a bitch Oprah is.

What show do you know every line to?
Probably every Cosby show episode, and Friday after Next. Does that count?

Do you own any band t-shirts?
no

What is your favorite candle scent?
I don’t know. Vanilla maybe?

how many aunts and uncles do you have?
That’s an even harder question. Estimate maybe 15 total?

Where was your last plane ride?
From LA to here.

Do you crack your knuckles?
No. People who do should be shot.

How many chairs are at your dining room table?
What is this dining room table you speak of?

What is your favorite salad dressing?
Ceaser

Do you read for fun?
Sometimes.

Can you speak any languages other than English?
Nope.

Where is your cell phone?,
Right next to this keyboard.

Do you do your own dishes?
I throw away my paper plates

What color is your bedroom painted?
White.

Have you ever cried in public?
Yes. The last time I can remember was when I found out that my paycheck was going to be late.

Which do you make: wishes or plans?
Plans.

Are you always trying to learn new things?
When I’m in the mood.

Do you like to go to Wyoming?
No.

Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
Hell Yes.

Can you skip rocks?
No. People actually do that?

Have you ever been to Jamaica?
Nope.

What do you like to snack on at the movie theatres?
Chocolate covered peanuts or nachos

Who is your favorite teacher?
Probably my history teacher sophomore year of college. The only A in college I’ve actually earned.

Have you ever dated someone out of your race?
Once again this dating notion you keep bringing up, so funny.

What is the weather like?
hot and humid

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
No. A couple on the arms maybe.

Do you have an online journal?
Blog. If that counts.

Did you ever play Capture the Flag in school?
What the fuck is that.

Take any music classes?
Yes. They sucked though.

Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back?
I do a tummy/side combo.

Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive?
I had a little moment with the guy who made my sandwich at subway today.

When was the last time you slept on the floor?
Don’t remember.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
Amaretto sours.

If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been?
Derek. At least that what my mom says.

Do you like your living arrangement?
Yes, right now.

Has anyone ever called you spoiled?
Yes. I get that more than I should actually.

What is your mother and father's hometowns?
Sawyerville and Marion, Alabama. Respectively.

Did you ever go to the same school as your parents?
No.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
7.5.

How much is gas where you live right now?
$2.71

What was the last thing to scare you?
When the tree hit my window a couple of nights ago. At least I thought it was a tree.

Do you own a Playstation?
No. Video game consoles will never enter my house. They're dick killers.

How many times have you brushed your teeth today?
Once

What album did you buy last?
Michael Jackson, Off the wall.

How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Shit, maybe 20

Are your days full and fast-paced?
no.

Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class?
Once I believe.

Is there carpet, wood or tile in the room you're currently in?
Carpet.

Were you a "planned" child?
My sister and I are 6.5 years apart to the day. You do the math.

What are you doing this weekend?
Attempt to see X-men if its not sold out.

What are you doing NEXT weekend?
Please.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
28, God, help me.

2 Quick Tidbits: The Mini Post

Tyra Banks is such a stupid ass cunt I swear to God. She hates black women. Eva doesn't count because she's fucking Missy Elliot, like I said before. Naima is biracial, and we haven't seen Naima anywhere have we. Tyra had the nerve to tell the winner of ANTM, Danielle last night when she won, on camera "We're going to get you those speech lessons girl." She kept telling her how ghetto she was, but she was by far the most likeable one on that show. Told the girl she needed to close her gap, when the other ugmos on that show didn't get any other criticism. Then snubbed her when Danielle went to hug her, she hugged Joanie. Fucking Bitch.

I don't know if you all have heard about Paris Hilton and her little friend dogging Lindsey Lohan out in front of the paparazzi cameras (not that anyone should care, especially me). But to summarize, she basically whispered in her nasty little friend's ear duragatory things about her vagina, so her obviously coked up friend could be stupid enough to say that on camera. Its really disgusting and disturbing for some reason. And as I much as I hate Lindsey Lohan, it makes me feel a little sorry for her which is a feat within itself.

And I heard that she is the one who made Matt Leinhart go so low in the draft, they threatened to not sign him at all unless he stopped fucking her. Fucking bitch.

The Bitter Blog the Sequel

I have always been very wary to write about college, being it was the pinnacle of my ever present self-esteem issues. So I'll just go about it, one issue at a time, easiest issue first.

I was looking through some crap the other day, and I found some pictures from when I was in college.

You see in college, I had kind of an identity crisis(to put it nicely), because I had absolutely no play at all whatsoever. I had plans to get a pager, and I was mentally preparing myself for all of the dick I was going to get because I was a young freshman, I had just broken up with a boyfriend, I garnered some self confidence for the first time in my life, and I was ready for all the mens lining up to see me. Needless to say, that did not happen... At all... Nothing...for two years.

For a while, especially during junior year of college when I had my first "hookup". I still wondered why in the hell no boys even so much as smiled at me for that long.

Well, I came across some pictures from those years, and now I know why.

Its different when you look back at stuff and you look bad because of the clothes you were wearing were outdated, or your haircut is out of style, even with these things you can still look cute. But I just looked bad. Sadly, that was a picture that was taken when I was getting ready to go out; so that was supposed to be a good day. I look worse then on my best day then than on my worse day now.

I can't really describe how my body looked. I wasn't so much fat as I was dispropotioned. AKA My butt gets so big you can see the outline when I'm facing forward. I almost forgot it can do that.

My bottom half has always been bigger than my top. Just not that much bigger.

Don't get me started on the clothes. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, just a black tube top and some tight gray pants. But I believe it was the cheapest tube top and gray pants that were in existence. I was a broke college student, true enough, but I know I could afford to shell out what, $30 to get one decent pair of going out pants as opposed to the $7 dollar ones I was wearing in that picture. They even had a black racing stripe on the side, gross.

The hair, I don't feel so bad about the hair because there were really no good black beauticians in that town, and I couldn't go home every week like everybody else and get my hair done since I live so far away, so I had to work with what I had. Still, it doesn't make it right.

I guess my point as much as I bitch about how look now, or have my ugly days, I believe I have indeed come a long way, stylewise anyway. So I guess that counts for something.

The Bitter Blog

I'm seriously thinking about changing the name of this blog to The Bitter Blog, because it seems that's how everything seems to come out when I write it; whether I want to or not. But I'm pretty sure someone took that name.

So I'm doing a lot better than I have in weeks. I've been getting a lot more sleep, I've been exercising as well as eating better. I've even accpeted my fate of moving back home in (gasp) 1 month and a half. Usually when you get your shit together mentally, you start to feel a little better about yourself, you start being less bitter .

But if you've been reading my entries long enough, something has to come along and to completely fuck my world up.

So I was standing at the coffee shop this morning, like I do every single morning getting my coffee, when an really cute white guy comes in and stands behind me. He wasn't like a "oh, I have to have you" cute, he was that "oh, he's really cute and look away and not think about it anymore" cute.

The little coffee shop girl is really nice, so I can't really say anything bad about her... okay I'm bitter so I will, she ain't all that cute. She aight. But I got to witness in action this dude physically becoming her new boyfriend within the span of 5 minutes. I was standing literally right in between them, so much that I can feel him telepathically pushing my ass out the way so that he can get to her.

The conversation started something like this.

"Hey you used to work on the cafe on the strip right?"
"yeah,"
"I remember you."
"I like it much better over here."
"so what year are you..."

Blah, Blah. This infuriates me for two reasons. The first being that I swear to god, white people who attractive are never single. They overlap. They're with one, and with another before the other is over. Its just so damn easy for them.

Two, I really believe my mother is starting to think I'm a lesbian. And to be honest, I can't really blame her. The boys I have dated have been tragic, to be polite, and being officially almost 30, there is no hope in sight at all for that grandchild. Not even close. On top of that, I don't give two shits about how I look at all anymore. I wear braids all the time, I never wear makeup anymore, and don't even ask the last time I purchased or wore a skirt or a dress.

I swear, I cannot remember the last guy who tried to talk to me who (a) attempted to carry on a normal conversation, and (not or) (b)talked to me when I wasn't turned around or bent over.

True story, dude standing directly behind me offered to put pay to put air in my tires, but I happened to be completely bent over putting them in myself at the time.

I'm usually pretty okay about not having a boyfriend, but thing that drives you to insanity is you see how easy it is. Just talk. Have something in common. Carry on a decent conversation. And don't stare at my butt the whole time your doing it. That's all I ask.

Jesus, people. Pretend to want to get to know, me. Pretend not to stare at my ass. Pretend I don't even have one. Don't look at me like an alien when I open my mouth to speak in complete sentences. That's all I ask.

The Plight of the (my) Black Woman's Hair

This post does not apply to the black women with natural hair, natrually curly hair(or good hair to be more ghetto), or black women who know how to do their own hair, I'm speaking directly to women with short to medium length hair, who has to make her way to the beauty shop every two weeks, or its a trifiling nasty mess

My number one insecurity by far is my hair. Its thin, its short, and it breaks when the wind blows too hard. My entire life has been an uphill battle dealing with my hair. I have also struggled with the reality that I do not have long hair. A fact, to this day, that I still have yet to accept. I have the type of hair that I literally have to do something to every day, whether I have to roll it up or curl it. The wrap and go, or the throwing it back in a ponytail is just not an option for me.

I was traumatized as a little girl by my aunt, who is a licensed beautician, who my mother dragged me and my sister to every two weeks like clockwork to her shop. When you get to be about 11 or 12, and your mom doesn't do your hair and she lets you get that first perm, your life changes. You realize at this moment, that your hair is going to be more important that it has ever been. If it looks bad, people are going to tease you about it, if it looks good everybody's going to tell you. Well, I got my first relaxer and my hair grew like a weed. 7th grade I think it was. It was long for a good 6 to 9 months, until my aunt decided it was time for a trim. Then two weeks later it she said I needed another. My hair hasn't been the same since.

I remember when Lenell Page came up to me and said, "Damn, your hair's short, it used to be long." Just stick a dagger in my throat why don't you.

My parents, or my father, are not one for the ethnic hairstyles, like cornrows and braids, he felt they looked stereotypical, so I wasn't allowed to get any or have them in my hair. Even in college, my father told me "if I catch you with braids, you cannot live here while you have them." So get braids so my hair can grow out, or be homeless. Hmmmm.

I realized a little later in life, that my aunt, cannot do hair to save her life. My mother for years brainwashed me into thinking she could. I kept going to her for so long because my mother made me. My sister also has thin, short hair so I know my theories aren't crazy. When I was really broke and didn't have a job about three years ago, I went to her again so that she can give me perms, my hair was breaking really bad becuase of all the stress I was going through and said I needed a trim, to which I quickly replied no. With my-can't-hold-an-opinion to-myself-to-save my-life mother was standing there. She said "Let Ann give you a trim, honey. It looks really bad, and its not like you can afford anyone else.", and she turned and worked her voodoo magic on my aunt as well. Stupid ass me, said fine. Its scissors, not a razor, it is really breaking badly, so fine, I thought to myself. When she was done trimming, I was literally almost bald from above my ears down, and she did it completely with scissors so it was crooked. I'm starting to flinch, so I'll stop talking about this now.

I am currently on a hair stike, because I'm still in this hellhole, and have to move back home. Stress broke my hair a little so I am currently wearing cornrows, since I don't have the time or the patience for somebody to braid my hair for 7 hours. I acutally found a shop within walking distance to my house, that is really cheap. So I made my first appointment. Girl was late, I was on my way to work, so in turn I was late. No big deal, it happens.

Second, time, I make my appointment at 8:00 on a Monday since they were "booked" on Saturday. I show up no one's there. 30 minutes later, no one. Finally I harass the foremen who are working there to find a call phone number because I am pissed. They don't even have a phone number on their contract to their building. I can't pull a comb through my hair, I'm fucked.

So this is why I went to my aunt for so long, black beauticians across the board have issues. Excuse me, the best black beauticians have issues. You want your hair done, you work on their time not yours, don't get there on time neither, because they will call you and tell you they're going to be late, if at all. You know they're good, so they know you'll come back. Sadly that girl who stood me up yesterday only charges 25 dollars and can do my whole head in less than a hour.

I need to make an appointment with her next week when she gets back.

Shortest Post Ever...

I guess this not moving to California thing has me more bummed out than I thought. I mean I'm really bummed out.

I guess I'm so bummed out because I was reading this article the other day about how a man fell in love with a woman, not necessarily because she was the most attractive woman in the world, but because she had so much spirit. Well, my spirit was the only thing I kind of had going for me at this point, and I feel like that's even gone. Hell, I wouldn't want to date me.

This little ditty pretty much sums up how much I hate my life right now. I had an argument with a co-worker the other day as to why she never washes her hands when she's done going to the bathroom. I saw her do it, and I heard from other sources that she does it all the time. So I ask, "are you going to wash your hands, considering you just wiped your ass?", to which she replies, "I can't I'm allergic to the soap.", to which I say ,"That would be pretty hard considering the soap is antibacterial.." , and she says, "well it just makes my hands all itchy.". When she's opening the door, I reply, "Aren't you at least going to run your hands through the water?". True story. Sadly, there are more somewhat like this. I'm in hell.

It Sucks Ass

Sorry once again I've been slacking off on the blogging...Life has gotten in the way I guess

Well, I guess I can talk about this now since nothing is going to pan out of it. (I just love when that happens by the way). On my vacation roughly about 3 weeks ago I had a job interview. An interview, that went suprisingly very well. It was for a human resources position. Not job, position. The lady, the head of human resources, even was willing to wait for me to get my shit together and move when my lease is up. So excited . I thought, oh my god, finally getting the hell out of hell. It is a dream that may suddenly become reality...Yeah, well.


Turns out this woman is so happy and willing because this job only pays $10 an hour. In Los Angeles. I thought, and I planned and came to the conclusion that there is no way in the free world I will be able to move and even live with my cousin rent free and support myself, on $10 bucks an hour. I didn't even know that people still offered that to people with degrees. It sucks ass.

The dumb implusive thing to do is to leave anyway and get a second job. Well, if I work a second job, not only will I be in the same position that I am in now, but I will be worse off because gas is way higher there. Also, the second job leaves no time at all for acting classes; the reason that I want to move out there so badly in the first place. It sucks ass.

I lied to my father and told him that I told the boss that I turned the job down. I didn't. I'm still very much in limbo. My gut is telling me to fuck it and go anyway. But with no car, no money, and to be honest no place to live really that's not an option. It sucks ass.

On the upside, I have actually formed a plan due to my small circumstance, but I will have to make a very big sacrifice. My freedom.
I will have to move back in with my parents. I said it before but I never believed until this moment that I would actually have to do it.

If anyone has any better suggestions please jesus let me know.

Random Thoughts part 900?

Yuck, I'm a bundle of nerves right now because its so much shit going on, or it could possibly be this new birth control I just started. I know you all are actively wondering right now because I'm so engaging like that, but some of it I can't talk about because it's still very much a work in progress.

So know what happens when my scatterbrained ass can't pick one thing to talk about, I make a list! Fun!!

1. I went to Los Angeles about a week ago and I haven't talked about because its still very much affecting me. That was the first time I went and it actually felt like dare I say...home. It wasn't so scary, it just felt right. So much that I've been uncomfortable here ever since I got back.

2. They've been working me like a dog at my two jobs lately. I haven't really had any rest since I got back because everybody and their mama wants me to do something for them or with them. I have no problem saying no, but that means I have to sit there and deal with my thoughts. Eww.

3. 27 and no boyfriend still. Not even close. I have horrible committment issues, even worse than I originally thought, due to this past trip. Like desperately need psychotherapy bad.

4. My insecurity level has gone up about 1000%. Why? See number 3.

5. I know you're dying to know what happened, and I don't want to talk about it but I'll give a brief compromise. I met a boy, or rather know a boy. I want him he doesn't want me. I haven't told him. I can't because every girl wants him and I absolutely refuse to be one of the crowd. It drives me crazy. I think he knows how I feel, but I still won't tell him. Hence random outbreaks of bitterness and insanity by yours truly.
Yeah, I know.

6. Acutally met a really nice guy when I was there. Good job, in shape, and actually asked me out on a date. Something that really doesn't happen with me, I usually get the whole "when are you going to let fuck you?" deal. But I just couldn't get into him because of said asshole that I spoke of in number 5.

7. I have issues. I know this.

8. I'm broke. Big shock there.

9. Went to my first actual LA industry thing. The whole point of you going is to mingle and be fake and cheery and talkative. I'm bitter and surly. That will pose as a problem.

10. After all that drama, I still haven't stopped thinking about it and missing it since I left. Didn't want to leave.

Oh, yeah..Just found out that the dude I was messing around with just got engaged. He told me twice, when I point blank asked him, that he did not have a girlfriend. I hate men, I'm never getting married I swear.

I hope this makes up for lost time...

I know, its been forever. I was sitting in California sleeping, thinking damn its been a log time since I updated. Sadly, yes that was on my mind.

I also realized that I've been sleeping when it comes to the blog topics. The whole point of having an online journal is to tell the real truth, albeit anonymously, and talk about exactly what your thinking. I also thought I was writing about sex too much. The truth is, my best friend reads this blog frequently, and even though she's my best friend, not my parent or relative. I care more about what she thinks about me than my own actual family. So, here it goes, sorry moderntemptress.

I have mentioned on this blog before about how I don't really have boyfriends, just fuck buddies. Well, I have had a steady one about two months now, and he's white. Actually, two but I'll get to that in a minute.

What's the big question here, what's the big difference between sleeping with a white men and a black man? It actually depends on the person, but I'll answer the question based on my experience so far.

1.Less drama
I never really realized that black men really had drama like that until I started sleeping with white men. The fb I had before had some kind of control issue. He always wanted to come over when he felt like it, at a time I couldn't accomodate. I don't have anyone over my house after 10 during the week, b/c I'm sleep. This asshole would say he's coming over at 9:30 and if he did show up, it would be at like 11. And would be confused to why I was pissed. And, they always have to do something before hand, i.e. "I had to drop of my cousin at work," or "I had to drop my boy off at his cousin house".

Don't even get me started on the fact that there is always a baby mama, or someone who is about to become a baby mama that they either lie about or go outside to talk to on the cell. If you already got somebody pregnant, don't you think you should calm down on the sex? Like I said, this is not every black man, just the ones I have experienced recently.

White men usually do not fuck around like that unless they are completely unattached, and when I mean unattached, I mean if they do have a girlfriend or someone their seeing, its about to end real soon. They are also very organized when it comes to a hookup. If they want to fuck you again, they'll let you know right then and there. And in some instances, let you know exactly when they want to do it again.

2. They're bigger givers in bed.
Don't get me wrong there are plenty of black men who are givers in bed, but some seem like their kind of indifferent about it. With a white guy, they will not get off unless you do, period.

So I guess the burning question, is have I completely crossed to the other side? The answer is no. I just generally find black men turn me on a lot more than white men. But at least now, I have something to compare it to.

Me and blogger are having issues right now.. so hopefully this works...

Pretty People Make me Sick

Yes, I watch MTV way too much because I have no life. This is no secret. So it is only inevitable, that a reality show on MTV inspired some or rather my posts.

This one ladies and gentlemen, is sponsored by MTV's 8th and Ocean.

I have been very upset for the last few days, because, hence the blog name I want to be an actress. Well, acting is kind of like a modified version of modeling. You don't have to be tall or anything, but you have to be skinny and good looking to have a chance.

I was talking online with my friend earlier this week, who is currently getting a shitload of auditions, who is pissed at the caliber of auditions that he is getting. Mind you in the last two years he's been out there, he's filmed two small informercials, two print ads, a small role in a direct to DVD film, and he just audtioned for a TV movie. And he's pissed.

Now keep in mind that he's attractive. Not like your college crush, or athlete attractive, but soap opera attractive. You see him, you immediately think soap opera.

I told him the reason you are getting all of these auditions is because your pretty. You bitch now, there are some classically trained actors who have been out there for 10+ years, who can act circles around you, and a casting director would pick you over them because your good looking.

He tries to rebuttle, and says that he has to struggle just as much as any other actor out there. To which I reply, "Are you living in your car stripping for a little and eating nothing but ramen noodles? Have you ever lived in your car?, Have you had any trouble getting auditions since you've been out here? People who have lived out there for years, have more experience than you and don't get shit, because they're not cute.

He didn't get it. Pretty people never do.

Back to my 8th and Ocean point, I was watching an episode last night and there is a male model who makes his agency six figures a year, who is a complete egotistical asshole. He missed two castings from people who actually requested him personally, and actually had the nerve to hang up on his agent who woke him up from his sleep. They had a meeting about his behavior, to which he went off on his agents.

What's the response from them, "Well, its no point in dropping him, because he'll walk right out and sign with someone else."

Thats pretty much the secret I have been figuring out for a lot of my life, why we expect so many good looking people not to be nice. Its because they don't have to be.
It has been scientifically proven that attractive people get farther in life, so if you have gotten this far in life based on how good looking you are, and everyone kissses your ass because of it, why should you be nice? Also, if you are a complete asshole or a moron, its almost excused because your beautiful. That makes me ill.

Walk Away

A friend of mine who I work with every morning ask me to borrow 20 dollars, since she's an actual friend, I don't mind giving it to her, but the money is really for her trifling ass husband. To which case, I won't.

Since I really hate telling as well as hearing long stories I'll make this one short as possible with bullet points, then proceed to my actual point.

*My friend is a size 26

*From what I hear, every man she's ever dated has called her fat or pressured her to lose weight.

*so she met as well as married a man she met on the internet.

*he's broke, not normal people broke like most of us are, but no won't keep a job broke. Won't, I said. Not can't.

*he won't let her go anywhere without him, and he bosses her around.

*he's not attractive.

*she stays with because she says she loves him because he's her best friend, but she comes in looking depressed all the time.

*he has a good job now that he's going to quit because he doesn't like it.

*when she threatened to leave him, he cried like a baby and begged her to stay.

*she's trying to lose weight now b/c she's wants his kids.

*he has no friends, b/c he thinks he doesn't need any because he has his wife.

I usually don't care about stuff like this, because its none of my business, but this fascinates me for two reasons. The first and most importantly, I was in a relationship almost exactly like this one roughly three and a half years ago, and everybody, I mean everybody told me how bad it was, to which I didn't listen and always responded that I was in love and this was the choice I made. I wish I had listened to everybody else.
Whenever she talks about it, I lecture her because its almost like I'm lecturing my 22 year old self. I don't know on earth how I could have been so stupid.

The second reason is, after talking (or rather yelling at her) I realize how much of a man that I have evolved into. She always says that I'm not walking away from my marriage because I love him. And I reply, "So what", to which she looks at me like I'm crazy. After a series of failed "relationships", I believe I lost my girl gene as far as dating goes, so to speak. It's all about sex now. When I can get it, and who I can get it with. Addam asked me if my current fuck buddy was coming over this weekend. He said his name, and I said, "Who?". Sick. I know.

Its just a phase, I'm aware. I know somebody will say, "Oh, when you find your soulmate, you'll know, and you'll feel so different." Whatever.
I just don't believe in putting yourself through torture, or some sort of severe physical or psychological uncomfort, when you can just get rid of the guy.
But in her case, she's settling because he decided to be with her even though she's big, and everything else is secondary.

I really need to tell that story about my gay-ex boyfriend one day, but sorry, I'm saving it for a screenpaly.

A posing question...

During one of many of the sleepless nights this week, my guy friend and I were having a disscussion about 1:00 in the morning about women. Long story short, he was fooling around with this woman, a black woman,decided she was crazy and didn't want to deal with her anymore and she got pissed. She's a attorney mind you, single, no kids, and drives a Mercedes, and his broke ass dropped her. Why did he drop her you ask? He said she was crazy. So crazy in fact, that he told me that she literally calls him every hour on the hour, house phone and cell phone, and leaves voicemails cussing him out. He let me hear a couple of them, and yeah, she's cracked.

This is going to sound really bad, and lord forgive me for saying this, but my mother acts like that. On the outside looking in she's the sweetest, most polite, and mannerable woman you could ever meet. She's a substitite teacher, and has to turn down jobs because everybody likes her so much. But when it comes to my father, she is ruthless. She becomes this unbelieveably jealous, horribly insecure, possesive nightmare. When it comes to my father, if she sees anyone posing a threat (and by threat, I mean someone my father actually talks to on a regular basis) she pounces like a lion to get them out of his life. Sadly, she even does this to her own kids. My father had to get a seperate cell phone that she doesn't even know about just so she won't eavesdrop on him or call back the numbers on his bill.

Continuing with my previous discussion, he said that he can count on one hand the number of black women he has met in his life without an attitude. My best friend who I've known since I was 13, have a conversation on a regular basis on how we have not really made any black female friends in our adult lives. All the black females that I am friends with I'm either related to or went to school with.

Why is that?

I'm not going to generalize and say that all black women are bitches, because they're not. I love my friends, and they don't act like that at all. My sister, for example does really well. She has a great husband, lives very comfortably and is generally satisfied with her life. But my dear sister, bless her heart, is by her own admission a snobby bitch, and about 90% of her female friends are white. I asked her why and she said that every black female that she tried to befriend in her adult life fell out with her because of a man, or they became somewhat jealous and needy because she was more successful than them. I hate to admit but I think she's right. I think this because I have a group of cousins in her age group that live where I live, who wince when I talk about her.

I don't know what to think about this, I hate making the generalization that all black women have attitudes because they don't. But I wonder do all you successful females feel this way or what?

Please Help...Serious Problem

So I have a disability that I have been sufferring from my whole life and I must conquer it very soon, or it will be completely detrimental to my well being.

I suck at job interviews.

I mean I really suck so much ass at job interviews. Bad. I have been on several job interviews and I swear some people are just polite enough to let me finish before they throw my resume quickly into the trash.

So the first question is if I suck so badly on job interviews, how do I have the job that I have now. My workplace is very, very laid back. So laid back that we had a alcoholic working here for several years and the only reason that she was fired was because she didn't tell us that she was going to rehab. Also, my current boss doesn't interview, he talks. A lot. If you pretend like your listening long enough, you can get hired. In fact, I wasn't even first choice for my job. The other guy they hired did it and found out how much money they paid and quit. So they called me.

In fact, the only other job interview I have actually aced is was when I was with my ex and I had all this super false esteem going. So I was smiley and happy. Pretty much hired me on the spot. I think I was hopped on on diet pills then too.

The pressing question: Why do I suck on job interviews? I honestly don't know, but this are my own personal theories.

1. I look desperate.
Whenever I am applying for a job, I'm so happy to get the interview that I delude myself into thinking I've gotten hired already. So when I walk in, my whole attitude screams, "Why are we going through this question nonsense, when do I start". Embarrassingly, I actually said that in an interview once. Then I get bitter. Then the nasty attitude comes in.

2. I have a nasty attitude
Anybody who knows me for real, knows that it really takes a lot for me to get excited about anything. I don't consider myself an unhappy person, just extremely cynical. I've gotten so bitter over the years, that I really don't know any other way to be. Employers don't like that.

3. I don't want the job that I'm interviewing for
I never want any of the jobs that I interview for, because when employers start asking me those dumb unecessary questions the whole time I'm thinking, "Why am I here ? I want to be an actress. Real people work is beneath me." All condescending and crap. Which slowly, but effectively creeps into my answers to the interview questions.

Sometimes I think that when these people are interviewing me they're probably thinking I going to just say fuck it and start rolling a cigarette in front of them. I hope that paints a clearer picture for you.

Any help whatsoever would be unbelievably appreciated. Because if not, I'm taking a sudafed before I walk into that piece I swear.

Tyra Banks is such a damn cunt....

Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, why do you give me so much material. I have to physically restrain myself from pontificating for hours on end about how much I hate you.

WARNING: Not Dial-up Friendly

I was watching a old episode of America's Next Top Model on VH1, and they were showing the second season when it occured to me how fixed it is and how much of a fucking cunt Tyra is. The show should be renamed Tyra Banks's Survivor or A Day in the life of Tyra the Life Ruiner instead of America's Next Top Model.

I will write this post as I am speaking to someone has never watched America's Next Top Model before. Faithful viewers I'm not insulting your intelligence.

Tyra has twelve finalists, she kicks off the biggest threat first.

This is the first girl is the first girl kicked off season 5.




This girl made it to the top 4:




Tyra kicked the first girl off because she said something in her initial interview to the judges about having "a pretty gene". The second girl wore diaper for one of the photo shoots and pissed in her diaper as a joke, and she was mean to the other girls, and that she was a drunk. When they did finally send her home, she didn't have a bad photo shoot really, the judges (by judges I mean Tyra) just made up some bullshit reason to send her home.


You see, Tyra is such a bitch she kicks off every one first who is a threat to her and leaves the girls who do not have a chance in hell to make fools out of themselves for most of the show. She usually leaves one person who actually stands a chance in the modeling world to the final 2, and picks some random ass winner.

Speaking of which...
Next up:
The runner-up


And the winner:



She knew good and well that girl was not going to do anything post Top Model because she's stupid and country. Shit, she looks it.


And don't even try to say anything to me about this bitch:



The only reason we even remember her name is because she's Missy Elliott's kept bitch. That's why we randomly see her ass on these awards shows. Not because she's "successful" You can quote me on that if you see her.

Oh, yeah the winner gets a 4-page layout in Elle girl or some major magazine. I would be pissed if I went through all of this bullshit on national television, just for this to happen:



This is the second season winner Yoanna whom I believe is the only one out of all the winners who actually looks like a model and seemingly knew something about fashion. For that, she has been reduced (by reduced I mean insecure ass Tyra blacklisting her) to hosting "The Look for Less" on the style channel never to be seen or heard from ever again.

Fuck you, Tyra. You can quote me on that if you see her.

February 14.

I've been by myself so long, I've passed the bitter "I don't have a man" valentine's day reaction and have moved on to straight indifference. I didn't even know it was Valentine's Day until a girl in my office got flowers from her boyfriend.

First of all, all bitterness aside, I hate that shit. I hate when women get flowers at their job and they fake act all surprised. Annoys me to all hell. Your boyfriend probably called you and for no apparent reason asked for the address to your job last night, and you mean to tell me you didn't know what was going on? You all been probably been together about a year and he never asked you shit about your job before, all of a sudden he's asking your address? The next day, "Oh, my god I'm can't believe he did that!". Anyway.

I turn 27 next week and my mom asked me if was going to get married before I was 30. I said no. She said why. I said "well, in order for me to get married by the time I'm 30, I sort of have to meet him by now." She looked at me like she thought I was lying. What bothered me about this exchange was not the fact that I still don't have a boyfriend, not even the fact that my mother thinks I'm a pathological liar, but the fact that I am officially old enough for the marriage naggging to start. That's late 20's nagging, that's old.

I think the first thing that crossed my mind when people ask me what I'm doing for Valentine's Day. I ask myself if I'm having sex that day. Then I ask myself if I'm having sex that week. Not necessarily in celebration of Valentine's Day, I just wondering what day I'm having sex that week.

And with who.

The White People are Drawn Together

The white people are drawn together by a force of nature I tell you. I think I can count on one hand the amount of white people that I have met in the past year who are completely unattached, and by unattached I mean not dating anyone. And if they are single, they are single for five minutes, and I mean that literally.

Let me clarify exactly what single really is because some people don't know. Single means not in a romantic relationship of any kind. Dating and fuck buddies are not the same thing. Also, if you are dating someone, the other person has to know that you are in a relationship, too. He/she also must say that you are their boyfriend or girlfriend. Which goes back to my first point, fuck buddy does not mean relationship.

The white people are drawn together to procreate and repopulate this earth. I'm convinced that one cannot be single because some of the species will die out.

There is a running joke at my morning job because out of around 18 people, I'm the only one who is single. There are some crazy mother fuckers that work there, and I'm the one who is single. My boss hired a guy about 2 or 3 months ago (who is attractive, even though he's a little on the chunky side for me) who doesn't seem crazy, but he's single. So the joke ended for a little while. He's is currently living with another girl who works there who already had a boyfriend and dumped him the day she met the new guy. Did I mention that they are living together now? Yeah....

My friend met her boyfriend on the internet a month ago, and they are currently making plans for their wedding (no shit).

Another thing that I've noticed is that when white people break up, the main reason is not cheating or growing apart or money. One person is usually just horribly dumped. I mean dumped, like flat on their ass. The other person may have cheated or the relationship has worn out its welcome, but it never ends over that. Its usually, "I used to love you, but you make me sick now, its over"; and the party who is dumped ends up in the hospital somewhere.

I can't really gage if black people have the same relationship problems from a personal perspective (being that the only real boyfriend that I ever had being gay and all, I'll save that one for another entry), but just from what I've seen its either really good from beginning to end or really bad from beginning to end. No in-between. Its interesting.

Sadly, I've noticed that since I've been blogging I'm getting a deeper understanding as to why I'm alone. I got issues. Who sit there and thinks about this shit...

There I said it...

(Takes a breath...)I take laxatives sometimes after I eat too much so I won't gain more weight. I don't really do it anymore, but at a low point last summer, I was doing it about three times a week. Does that make me bullemic?

I have addressed my horrible body images on this blog before, so I hate going into detail because it becomes boring and repetitve. But, I feel like I have to get it out but its something I need to admit to it to myself. What better way than to put it in some sort of permanent print form!

I believe it all started when I was about 11 or 12. My parents are always the type to keep it real, so when puberty hit and I started picking up a little weight. My mother would cut my portions in half, and my father would tell me I was getting fat without hesitation. My father is the type to put issues on the table that are the truth, whether you care or not, and because I am the way I am, I cared. That was the first time I ever had any thought to any weight issues whatsoever. As a result, my weight fluctuates dramatically to this day, I have clothes in my closet ranging from size 4 to 12. I've always also struggled with some sort of depression, and when that depression hits, I don't eat.

I don't think that its an eating disorder. I've never been anorexic or bullemic or anything like that, but whenever something is going wrong in my life. I turn to my body because that's something that I can actually control.

What brought this on was that I noticed that as I get older, physical appearance is a major part of people's existence. Someone can be the nicest, more sincere person in the world, and people will not give a shit just because they are fat or "ugly". A heavier woman who works at my job is a very nice person and a really hard worker. But when our boss goes on business trips to meet clients that she brings in, he never takes her. He takes the cute, skinny, no personality blonde. Sadly, living in the south its so much worse that the rest of the country percieves it too be.

The black women, at least, are never really pressured to keep that weight down, and larger women will make that occasional trip to the gym but not because they want to lose weight or get healthy, they just want to "tone up a little". If you're thin, they tell you need to eat or think something's wrong with you. I am average weight, average height, and even when I hit my heaviest not to long ago, at least once or twice a week, someone always commented on how small I was. When I went to lunch with co-workers and I didn't finish my meal, or better yet turned down a meal, they would ask me if I was sick.

My body issues are still prevalent because of these two reasons. The first reason being that I want to be an actress, I'm not light-skinned nor do I have caucasian features, so I'm going to be at a disadvantage. I'm going to have to keep my weight in check in order for me to have a chance. The second reason, as screwed up as this is, I feel like if I gain weight I will be conforming to the stereotype of the southern black woman. Since I live in a small town in the south, there are very few black women that I have met here who believe in keeping themselves in shape. They would rather be fat with a man who treats them like shit, than be healthy without one. They are unmarried with kids, no job, and if they have a man its usually a trifling one that they hold on to because they are scared to death of being alone. That's brutal, but its true.

What I am trying to work on, is not actually losing weight, but actually not being obsessed with losing it. Its a work in progress, but as cliche as it sounds, you have to admit you have one first.

Talk to myself

This has nothing to do with the topic, but Trina is not, repeat not going to be on Desperate Housewives, thank the Lord Jesus. I don't know if any of you have heard that rumor, but I for one had a mild stroke when I did.

I feel bad for you men. No wonder you have so much trouble. I've been noticing recently that girls talk a lot, I mean a lot. Not so much "I can't keep a secret, a lot", but "I can't shut up talking about myself who by the way is not very interesting" a lot. I don't have a lot of female friends, but the ones I do have do not have other female friends, because they for real cannot stop talking.

Its fine when you are natrually outgoing and you generally like getting to know about other people, that's fine. Its fine when your frustrated and venting. Its fine if you have a exciting job, and travel you have a lot to say. Its fine when you have an engaging personality (not from your own assesment, but from observations of others). Its also fine when you occasionally let the other person get a word in edgewise, and listen to them when they do. But when you go on for 30 minutes about what color your hair used to be, so much that you don't notice that the other person is not responding to anything you say? Houston, you have a problem.

Attention whore at the part time job talks like that. She lives with her husband who is a mechanic, and does nothing else but sit at home and be a mechanic, but she not only will she talk non-stop about her husband sitting at home being mechanic, she finds a way to relate it to your own personal everyday issues.

For example:

"I bought these new pants yesterday, and I don't think they fit. I'm taking them back."

"Oh, the same thing happened to Kenneth last week, and this man at his job told him to go to this store and pick these blue pants that will fit him better than the ones he has now and (insert who gives a shit here)". Are you kidding me?

It is my natrual reation to let myself not be an asshole, but believe me if I don't say it I'm damn sure going to have a look on my face that does.

The person who I spoke of earlier who talked for 20 minutes about being blond last year, was a new girl that was just hired. Who may very well be a nice person, but I don't give a shit because she talks too damn much. She even turned to me and said, "You're so quiet, I don't understand it." No bitch, of course you don't. I usually enjoy conversations with people. You know what conversations are, right? No? Exchanges? Reciprocity? Any one of these words clickin' the ol' noggin? Didn't think so.

The ghetto bitch who I used to get into it with all the time who worked here, never even stopped to take a breath. Now that I think about it, our fights usually started by me walking to the back going, "Oh my God, what the fuck, do you ever shut up!!!".

I know there are some truly wonderful females out there, I have met them and have been fortunate enough to be good friends with some of them. My best friend is definately the best girl I know. So I'm wondering is this an epidemic I don't know about? Is it new, and most importantly...Is this what it takes to get a man?

Why Tyra Banks is a Cunt

I'm getting over being sick as a dog for about the last 10 days. Every time I get that sick, after its over I feel like I'm beginning to recover from an ass beating, so I apologize in advance for the extreme bitterness of this post.

This is an short essay entitled "Why Tyra Banks is a cunt.", Students feel free to plagerize this at your own leisure.

Tyra Banks is a cunt. Tyra Banks is indeed a super cunt. There are many fake, mean, superficial people in Hollywood, or in the world for that matter. But there's something a just a little extra special about Tyra Banks.

What sparked interest for my little rant, is that I've been home sick for the last few days, and I got to catch a little talk show called "The Tyra Banks Show." We'll just take one particular episode that I saw that entailed Tyra trying to rehabilitate a porn star who works under the name "Tyra Bankxxx". This girl was about 20, it was obvious that the only reason that she was there was because she was going to get some national exposure. Tyra felt that it was her duty to take this one particular girl who carried her name, and get her off the pole. Tyra asked her about 3 times within a 30 minute interview, why me? why my name? and Ms. Bankxxx proceeded to wax poetic about how she admired her and how beautiful she was, and how people always told her how much she looked like the real Tyra, to which Tyra turned up her nose. Tyra proceeded to make a big announcement that she was going to help get her life together by giving her a scholarship to.....cosmetology school.

I don't know about you, but if I'm making $1500 a day doing what I do, I'm not trying to stop it so that I can cut some hair. Tyra was so proud when she announced this, and Ms. Bankxxx on camera gave a face like she didn't give a shit. Needless to say, I saw and update with her and she's still on the pole. Tyra has continued to have such intriguing and enlightening guests such as Superhead, and every single contestant to ever audition for America's Next Top Model.

I know what your thinking, stop hating on Tyra, she's doing her thing. Fine. But when your godmother calls you when your feeling low, and she gives you such uplifting advice such as, "Why don't you write Tyra a letter, she helps a lot of young people, she'll do the same for you." Tyra falls in that short category of people who I named "People who think we're stupid." That list includes perennial members Michael Jackson and R.Kelly, and its a hard list to get on.

Tyra first and foremost people, is a model, she didn't go to college, she didn't solve world hunger, she is not a humanitarian. She is a model. She is one of those dumb people who's become successful because of timing and luck, so she has the idea implanted in her mind that she made it because she's smart. She's not. Also, don't believe that modeling is that happy go lucky reality show that is portrayed on ANTM. Its not. I went to college with a whole bunch of "models" and they were all no personality/evil bitches. This woman is such a mean spirited bitch that she brought Naomi Campbell on her show and tried to embarasss her national television. Why? Because Naomi pretty much ran her out of fashion modeling because Naomi had more pull, so Tyra had to slum into Sports Illustrated and Victoria's Secret. She did not choose her career path, she was replaced. Naomi as much as a bitch that she is, took it like a champ.

Also, I must comment. The implant show, where she had a doctor give her an ultrasound to prove her breasts were real? We'll when you have implants for a little while enough fat grows over them where you don't see them in ultrasound. Hence, the whole show was a lie.

This concludes my essay on "Why Tyra Banks is a Cunt".


UPDATE: For those of you who think that she wasn't lying about her boobs. Here's a
closeup of the implant scar.

Riding the Bullet

I never really realized how much of my personality is connected to my cable television. I also never realized how much I am afraid to embrace change. Sound weird? I will explain.

I currently have Comcast Digital Cable that I pay almost $100 a month for. Honestly I can't afford it, but I always defend myself by saying that I really have no extravagances in my life, no shopping, no shoes, no nice restaurants, so I will enjoy having the luxury of watching good cable television. That being said, my cable has been out for the past week. Its been on and off for the past 2 months. I made a service call, they fixed it and it worked for exactly one day, and it went out again the next morning. It has even gotten to the point where I can pinpoint the day and the time it goes out. I can also pinpoint the day it comes back on.

So, the last draw was yesterday, even thought the Comcast people are usually very nice to me, I got a cunt. She was a straight up condescending ghetto ass cunt. See, since I'm in the south, comcast is somewhat of a monopoly here, so you can't really switch cable providers, but I was fed up. I asked her is there anyone on call who they can page to come fix my cable. She said none of the workers come in until Monday. I went into my usual spiel with I pay $95 a month for cable and its off more than its on. Its been fluctuating in and out for two months. She said, "Two months, huh, I thought you just said two weeks." Fucking bitch, that's not what I said. You see people, I usually don't go off on customer service people because they are subordinates and they know less about whats going on than the actual customer. If you're going to cuss someone out, cuss out the district or general managers. She didn't even listen to my complaints, after she got done I said, "Fuck you, I'm getting direct TV bitch."

Direct TV, is way, way less expensive than digital cable, they do provide service in my apartment current complex (although thats not what i was told), and much like when I moved to my apartment last year, I wonder why I didn't switch long time ago. I guess I have been paranoid since birth about making rash decisions, even down to being wary of switching cable providers. Why? It seems when I make a decision completely on my own, it totally goes to shit and my family rides me about it. Not that I should care, but its bad enough when know you do something stupid, but when you have 2 or 3 other people confirming your suspicions it drives you quite insane.

Oh, and where is it I want to move to again? Oh, yeah, clear across the country, right....

Desperate dot com part 2

You just knew it was going to be a part two, didn't ya

No, since my last post, it has not been my last visit to adult friend finder, I am shamed to admit. So since I believe my last experience has reached finality (is that a word?), I can talk about it with my head hung in shame.

I have not stopped reading the emails on the site, until one finally caught my attention. His profile went something like this:

I am a chill guy who usually goes out, but I am looking for someone to stay in with me. Going down on a girl is the best thing in the world to me, so if you can hang shoot me an email.

After a little investigative research by Addam and I, we found his profile on the face book and he was hella cute. I was going to leave it alone, but he gave me his yahoo screen name, and of course, I have a story to tell.

I was bored one night sitting in the house, going on about 2 months with no sex because I about had it with my former f.b. So I decided to talk to my dear chill guy to see what he was all about. We had actually a nice little two hour conversation on line, he was witty, funny, sexy and I was reluctantly intrigued.

So since its adult friend finder, he knew what he was there for, so the question came up. I played coy and said that I had company coming over and maybe later on in the week. He said we could meet, and we didn't have do anything. Of course, it was an obvious lie, but I appreciated the fact that he did lie. Then I offered to come over his house, and he kept making excuses for me not to. Which said to me, maybe he thought I was crazy. I though it was great, because if he was that paranoid about me being crazy, that means that he probably wasn't. So finally after a lot of dirty talk, I broke down and let him come over. I know..I know, it was stupid and a risk, but I did it and it was done, accept consequences later.

Fifteen minutes later, he was here, hot and reeking of axe effect.

Ten minutes after that, I officially became a slut.

Afterwards, it was weird, because he left me wanting more, but it was bad because its was adult friend finder, not the website you use to help search for your soulmate. I wasn't looking for any kind of friendship or companionship at all after that, just kind of hoping for a hookup on a regular basis. He played coy, and left.

I've talked to him online only a couple of times since then and I can tell by his attitude that he does this quite a bit, and its only going to be chalked up to a one night stand. Its cool, though. No regrets. But since I got burned, I am officially, officially, for real done with adult friend finder.

I hate Christmas

Yes, I hate Christmas, and for all you mother fuckers who think I am evil for hating Christmas, screw you. Labor day is my holiday.

Being the pessimist that I am, I have always felt that Christmas was rather anti-climatic. You wake up, you open the presents, you thank everyone, and you wait until its time to eat. I guess Hallmark and the malls build up Christmas to be this huge holiday, when in reality, unless your rich or 5 years old its kind of a letdown.

Yes, Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of the birth of Christ, but I heard somewhere that Jesus was actually born on the 28th of December. Yeah, its the season for giving and all that stuff, but when you're grown and have a job, do you ever get anything you really want? Engagement rings don't count because they're more trouble than what they're worth. I mean when you do get enagaged are you actually surprised or in the back of your mind are you going, "Yeah, it took your ass long enough."

In my 20's, I've have never actually had a good Christmas. I actually spend most of it waiting for it to be over so everything can go back to normal. Around this time of year, my mother turns obsessive-compulsive psycho cook and my father turns into distant aloof guy. I actually escaped this year and went to visit my sister up north and two things have immediately been brought to the forefront.

Its quiet up here. My sister and I are very different to say the least. Saying that we're like night and day would involve too much of a comparison because the sun and the moon share the same sky. Her and my brother-in-law can sit around in complete silence, no TV, no radio, no phone, nothing and sort of just be content doing what they do. I'm used to having people screaming in my ear all the time and not sitting still even when I'm off. Never noticed that before. Not until Christmas when was I made to stay in one place.

My family is weird. Most families who are a little on the eccentric side are crazy. They are crazy as in drunk crazy, or cousin who is a hoe crazy, or uncle who likes to fight crazy. My family is "wannabe bougie" crazy. They want so much to be seen as this cultured, dignified, almost snobbish people. But they're not, they are a little ghetto as well as country and they just can't accept that. I would love if people actually sat around drinking and arguing over sports instead of chit-chatting in silence about world affairs. My sister has always been the way she is so I can't hate on her for being herself, but to be honest if I wasn't her sister she would talk about me like a dog.

So in short I hate Christmas, well I have for at least the last 6 or 7 years. But I hope you all are having a very full day of food, loved ones and activites. I got around 5 more hours until this day is over and I will be able to start plotting my escape for next year.

Desperate dot com

I preface this by saying, that yes this a true story, and yes I am ashamed this has come to this point.

So my friend Addam is gay, and everyday he bitches about how he can't get a man or how he hasn't had sex in forever. Since's he gay, he of course has done a lot of meetings over the internet with or without much luck. So I suggest that he try using adult friend finder. The site that is advertised pretty heavily that "adults" use to find "friendship". Okay, okay, a fuck buddy. He joined it with the intention of actually sleeping with someone, that's unless he found someone cute, of course.

Well, the he checked the second day, and he even put his picture on, but only got two responses. When I told him, to be patient, his response was, "why don't you do it bitch. See what kind of responses you get."

So my profile was written as follows:

Wanted: fuck buddy: One hot female that knows how to manuever and perform on the highest sexual levels. I need a man with a good stick to handle this phat hot ass. R you the man, hit me up.

I got 10 hits the next day, without a single picture on my profile.

So you're probably thinking by now, that I just did this and left it be..nope. I have to play things out to have a story to tell. First of all, I must say that there are some sick people in this world, sick. And I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. Its amazing the sick things that people will put pictures of on the internet. So there was this one guy who seemed pretty harmless. His pictures were cute (although one was a picture of dick, but I'm not counting that one). So I talked to him online. Now I'm pretty good at feeling out crazy, so I ask the three basics: he's never been in the military, he just got out of a long term relationship, and he has a steady job. Check ,check, check.

I'm not going to lie. I have never had any relations with a white male before. So I figured it would be the quickest way, so why the hell not.

So I met him and first things first, he looked nothing like his picture. He was way, way skinnier than he was on his picture, and apparently he knows what he was doing with a camera because that picture was a great angle. Now I'm not saying he was ugly, but would you do the skinny guy from Road Trip and Hustle and Flow? Neither would I.

Now sadly, the most disturbing thing about this whole experience was not the fact that he wasn't cute. It was the fact that I had this underlying feeling the whole time that I was obligated to sleep with him. It was like the whole time, he was saying to me, "you know what I'm here for, you know you gotta fuck me, this is what you signed for." I mean, I did sign up for it, it was adult friend finder, not freaking cupid.com. It was disturbing.

No, I didn't have with him.

The next day, I text messaged him and told that this experience was way weirder than I thought it was going to be and I won't be able to go through with it. Too chicken shit to even talk to him. He called me back and I didn't answer. He was pissed. I could hear it in his voice. I actually felt bad, because I initiated the whole thing, I just couldn't be around somebody who I felt obligated to fuck.

So here I am single yet again, but he hasn't stopped calling me since.

Got--dammitt Sasha!!!

I don't know if any of you out there watch Miss Seventeen on MTV. (okay I'm probably the only one). Its a "reality show" about teenage girls competing to be on the cover of seventeen, ala "The Apprentice" for teenage girls. Its a really good concept actually and surprisingly entertaining show.

Well, we all know that reality shows are infamous for not putting black people in the best light...okay, they make us look ghetto, is that better? This one was no better, the first black girl, Leah got kicked off because the security cameras caught her talking about how she wanted to be famous off of this show. The second one, Ashley was fine at first, then completely lost her mind and starting acting ghetto as hell out nowhere and sent herself home. Then, there's Sasha.

I liked Sasha a lot. She was the only girl on that show with some sense. She was mature, she handled conflicts inside the house well, and she managed to go this long in the competition without her hair looking too tore up, sans weave (sniff, sniff). But you see, Sasha does spoken word. She likes doing it. A lot. She did it on the first episode of the show, then the third, then the fourth. And no, it wasn't different pieces of work, it was the same damn poem. It was like Sasha memorized her first spoken word piece ever, and she was so happy. So she liked to perform it every chance she got....and she did. A lot.

Well, they are down to the final three, there is pretty much no competition at this point, I think Sasha is going to win!!! There are never any black winners of any MTV reality shows, they never put black people on the cover of Seventeen (except for Beyonce and Ashanti, but they don't count) and to have a young black girl so far ahead of the competition was just a proud moment for me. But got-dammit Sasha!!!, you just couldn't resist doing that poem one more time did you?

It was obvious they were setting her up. When Sasha offered herself to perform in a room full of makeup people and a musician last week, they were prepping for the musician's show, but she had to show what she can do, she performed, even though nobody asked her to do so. Maybe she should have thought to herself that the producers would take that and run with it. And boy did they.

The girls had to work in the editior's office as assistants, and not only did she perform for an assistant editor's whose call she just fucked up, but she left a whole bunch of people on hold because a "slam poetry show coordinator" was on the phone and she felt the need to show off her skills. When I saw that, I just put my head in my hands. Even Atoosa Rubenstein, the editor who dismissed her, told her that she pretty much had the competition in the bag. I know you need to get your shine on, Sasha, but you were already shining, Sasha, so brightly. Why Sasha why?

As a result, we have dumb ass Jen and insecure Jessica left. Who low and behold, have to give a speech next week for their final task!! On top of being fake as hell, Jen can barely string two sentences together and Jessica wins a lot of challenges, but she's always freaking whining, "I can't do it...I don't have confidence.." Fake bitch. But I digress.

Sasha, I hope for your sake that you knew about the conspiracy that was going on, because you really disappointed me last night; I mean my heart hurt. And for God's sake, go learn another poem.

End of year stuff...

I hate the end of the year when your all reflective and shit. Its interesting to think about, but its really boring to read after a while. Hell, they're my thoughts and even I get bored reading them, so I'll make two quick short points and move on to something else.

1. My friend Addam told me yesterday that I'm proabably not going to get married and if i do, it will probably be for a short time. Depressing thing is, that I believe he's right.

2. I would rather sleep on the street and eat roaches rather than stay in my current places of employment for another year, A guy just got fired at my part-time because he stunk so bad too many people were going home sick. I shit you not.

I guess I'll talk about the grammy nominations....
I am a bit of a music snob. I'm as into music almost as much as I am into movies, so if my opinions seem a little strong, its because I have no life and there is nothing else to feel strongly about at the moment...except for porn, I'm really picky about that too...

Mariah Carey got nominated for 8, big surprise. The grammy's do this every year, they nominate the artist who is the hot shit for a bunch of awards, they put them in the same category as a legendary musician who you didn't even know released an album this year, and a bunch of other people who are also big selling artists for the year and the random old ass person wins.

Last year, it was Ray Charles, and this year Paul McCartney. Did anybody know or care that Paul McCartney released an album this year? I didn't. Did I give a shit? Nope. But he's going to win that Grammy I can tell you that. They did this to Mariah before you know. I believe Fantasy got about 8 or 9 nominations one year, and Joni Mitchell won. She didn't get shit. She'll win the R&B awards.

And Beyonce (hater alert), that bitch got nominated by herself, for that Wishing on a Star song, it was on the Roll Bounce soundtrack. I love how eonline says she has 6 nominations, but 5 of them are with Destiny's Child. Those other 2 just can't get break can they? (Look at me, 'the other two) just can't get a break can they? Random. Kanye, well, Kanye's attitude sucks, but he works hard, I said this before, but he needs to accept the fact he's going to only get rap grammy's, I know he's going to set the audtiorium on fire when he doesn't win, so start drawing the blueprint for your atomic bomb now, Kanye.

Kelly Clarkson was robbed I tell you, robbed!!! Bitch had 5 top ten singles, and she only got two nominations, bullshit ones at that. So was Madonna, I know she put out her album too late to be considered, but still had to give that album props. Damn you, Madonna, for making an album of songs I cannot freaking stop sing, damn you!!! Moving on..

I love Gwen Stefani, but Hollaback Girl, song of the year, and album of the year, nuh uh. I understand pop grammys, but for real ones? No.


John Legend is extremely talented, he should be nominated because he's the real deal. He's good, but I think his album's a little overrated.

Who am I forgetting, U2? meh, they won't win, they had their year two years ago.