If Loverboy wasn't good looking, he would be a scrub. This is fact. Let me just get that off my chest.
By some miracle of the lord, I got the day off yesterday. I had nothing to do so Loverboy and I decided to eat lunch. I'm not going to go in the trifiling sequence of events that happened yesterday, but let's just say it led me to that first sentence that I wrote.
Anyhoo. One the stops that we made is that he wanted to go to the SAG (screen actors guild) building to get a new card. But didn't just want to go, he wanted to explore it. Rather he wanted me to freak out because its the sag building. Actual actors walk around in here and handle their business. It's nothing but offices. He had a fit, because I was completely unimpressed by it. He said you been out here how long and you haven't taken one single class or one headshot, you forgot why you moved out here in the first place. To which I replied that you manage to take headshots every time to you get a paycheck, but you're homeless. Even though the argument itself is stupid as fuck, I see his point.
If you read this regularly, you all very well know how many times I have been beaten down and not being able to afford to eat. I have been through drama supreme ever since I've been out here. Its going to be awhile before I'm able to go full throttle in my career mainly because of poor planning on my part. In summation, it kind of hit me that I need more time to handle myself before any kind of career mentally and financially.
I still want more than anything in the whole world to be an actress. But in spite of everything, I feel ten times smarter about it now than I ever did before. I guess a lot of this was learned by watching loverboy and his struggles. He auditions all the time, but never books. He puts every ounce of his livelihood into his auditions. Auditioning is part of an actors' job. That's what you do, audition. Not that he won't book, but I believe that a lot of these casting directors look for someone who could care less if a person gets a part or not. I mean if you were a boss, would you hire someone who begged for a job? No, you would be suspect about said person wouldn't you? Whenever I hired a person on my last job who begged for it, they flaked out on me within the first month, or they act liked they owned the place when they got there. Because people don't beg really when they want a specific thing, they beg when they want anything. And I think that's the secret.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The Pick-up Artist
Anybody ever watch that show "The Pick-up Artist" on VH-1?
Very telling as to how fucked up women are in the sense that, when a man is practically begging to worship the ground they walk on, and they throw them away like its nothing. We are not attracted to that at all, at least most women aren't, and the leftover are constantly bitching about how we can't get a man.
There is a guy that works here. He's a temp, and basically an office bitch. He's asked me out numerous times, comes out from his desk every time he sees me, and changed his lunch schedule so he can eat with me.
The problems? He talks too much. I mean too fucking much, one of my big pet peeves. So much to the point where the last two mornings in a row, I had to find creative "nice" ways to tell him to shut up. Two, he's broke. I'm completely unmaterialistic, but I'm broke too. Two broke people does not a good relationship make. Even if we dated, we'll spend the whole time either talking about how broke we are, and ask to me to chip in for the date. Yes, that has happened to me before. Couple of times.
And you know what completely killed it for me? I was in the kitchen yesterday making coffee and he handed me his phone number on a piece of paper. Just here call me. Didn't even give me the time to wonder if I want it or not. Like seriously, whatever curiosity that I may have had about him just died right there. To be brutally honest, it just seemed desperate. I'm trying to change my whole way of thinking when it comes to dating, because of the lack of success I had in the past, but almost like the flaws become so overwhelming that I don't want to be bothered.
But yet I'm madly in love with most narcissistic, emotionally unavailable person on earth.
I was watching the pick-up artist yesterday, and their whole method of teaching has a lot to do with the fact that when you first meet a women you're whole persona should sort of say to the woman that you're not really interested in them. That you're here to have a good time, and if you meet a woman then whatever. The minute that the man or his body language gives away that they have zeroed in on their target, then we're done. We're not interested. In other words, we like the chase just as much as men.
I think about the men I have yearned for in the past, and with the exception of the fluke that was my ex-boyfriend, every single last one was emotionally unavailable. The entire time I messed with them, I had absolutely no earthly idea if they were into me or not. Loverboy is no different, he flings that yo-yo and snatches it right back up and holds it. 5 years running now.
I know it has something to do with being scared of relationships. I am deathly afraid of them, no lie. It has everything to with my parents fucked up relationship growing up, my cousin and her ticking time-bomb boyfriend now, and the awareness of my codependency and how it will play a part in my relationship.
For these reasons, and several others, I am cool by myself for now.
Very telling as to how fucked up women are in the sense that, when a man is practically begging to worship the ground they walk on, and they throw them away like its nothing. We are not attracted to that at all, at least most women aren't, and the leftover are constantly bitching about how we can't get a man.
There is a guy that works here. He's a temp, and basically an office bitch. He's asked me out numerous times, comes out from his desk every time he sees me, and changed his lunch schedule so he can eat with me.
The problems? He talks too much. I mean too fucking much, one of my big pet peeves. So much to the point where the last two mornings in a row, I had to find creative "nice" ways to tell him to shut up. Two, he's broke. I'm completely unmaterialistic, but I'm broke too. Two broke people does not a good relationship make. Even if we dated, we'll spend the whole time either talking about how broke we are, and ask to me to chip in for the date. Yes, that has happened to me before. Couple of times.
And you know what completely killed it for me? I was in the kitchen yesterday making coffee and he handed me his phone number on a piece of paper. Just here call me. Didn't even give me the time to wonder if I want it or not. Like seriously, whatever curiosity that I may have had about him just died right there. To be brutally honest, it just seemed desperate. I'm trying to change my whole way of thinking when it comes to dating, because of the lack of success I had in the past, but almost like the flaws become so overwhelming that I don't want to be bothered.
But yet I'm madly in love with most narcissistic, emotionally unavailable person on earth.
I was watching the pick-up artist yesterday, and their whole method of teaching has a lot to do with the fact that when you first meet a women you're whole persona should sort of say to the woman that you're not really interested in them. That you're here to have a good time, and if you meet a woman then whatever. The minute that the man or his body language gives away that they have zeroed in on their target, then we're done. We're not interested. In other words, we like the chase just as much as men.
I think about the men I have yearned for in the past, and with the exception of the fluke that was my ex-boyfriend, every single last one was emotionally unavailable. The entire time I messed with them, I had absolutely no earthly idea if they were into me or not. Loverboy is no different, he flings that yo-yo and snatches it right back up and holds it. 5 years running now.
I know it has something to do with being scared of relationships. I am deathly afraid of them, no lie. It has everything to with my parents fucked up relationship growing up, my cousin and her ticking time-bomb boyfriend now, and the awareness of my codependency and how it will play a part in my relationship.
For these reasons, and several others, I am cool by myself for now.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Slowly creeping along....
I've taken severly pro-active steps to getting out of hell, so I guess that's a good thing. I am contact with two headhunters right now, so hopefully something will loom on the horizon soon.(We'll start calling the black executive assistant, HBIC for time purposes.)
HBIC has been nice to me for the past two days. Freakishly so. She offered me two of her old suits as a peace offering, WTF? I know, I think its a bunch of bull and it will only last like 2 days, but you know what? I'm so tired of being pissed off literrally every single day, that I surrender. My white flag is waved. I won't be here forever, so fuck it. It's too much work avoiding people, and being an asshole to prove a point, so I will do my best to make nice from here on out. That's not a promise, though.
My cousin and her boyfriend seem to be doing better. I'm not going to really comment on that anymore, because whatever. I have my own drama.
The financial situation is inching along nicely. The second job has helped out immensely, mentally and physically. Its nice to actually be around people who are going through sort of the same thing you are, and its also nice to have something else to concentate on after I have my hell days here. I find myself not thinking about them as much, thus removing myself from the situations more. If you want to get techinical, I have three jobs because I babysit for Loverboy's roomate a couple of times a week. I even bought new shoes yesterday (what?). Don't get me wrong, I'm no where close to having moving out money, but with the retirement check coming in whenever it comes. There is definately light at the end of the tunnel.
Loverboy and I have decided we will get an apartment together. Yes, techinically its a bad idea but financially it just makes sense. He had a roomate who had trouble paying bills before and is still in debt because he paid all of the utilites, so I know he won't screw me on money. In fact, I believe he'll try to over control it. Financially speaking, I do trust him. As far as the girls coming in and out of the house, that's a small price I'll have to pay for cheaper rent because here, it's no punk.
HBIC has been nice to me for the past two days. Freakishly so. She offered me two of her old suits as a peace offering, WTF? I know, I think its a bunch of bull and it will only last like 2 days, but you know what? I'm so tired of being pissed off literrally every single day, that I surrender. My white flag is waved. I won't be here forever, so fuck it. It's too much work avoiding people, and being an asshole to prove a point, so I will do my best to make nice from here on out. That's not a promise, though.
My cousin and her boyfriend seem to be doing better. I'm not going to really comment on that anymore, because whatever. I have my own drama.
The financial situation is inching along nicely. The second job has helped out immensely, mentally and physically. Its nice to actually be around people who are going through sort of the same thing you are, and its also nice to have something else to concentate on after I have my hell days here. I find myself not thinking about them as much, thus removing myself from the situations more. If you want to get techinical, I have three jobs because I babysit for Loverboy's roomate a couple of times a week. I even bought new shoes yesterday (what?). Don't get me wrong, I'm no where close to having moving out money, but with the retirement check coming in whenever it comes. There is definately light at the end of the tunnel.
Loverboy and I have decided we will get an apartment together. Yes, techinically its a bad idea but financially it just makes sense. He had a roomate who had trouble paying bills before and is still in debt because he paid all of the utilites, so I know he won't screw me on money. In fact, I believe he'll try to over control it. Financially speaking, I do trust him. As far as the girls coming in and out of the house, that's a small price I'll have to pay for cheaper rent because here, it's no punk.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Tired of being sick and tired
I'm tired of bitching about my job. Tired. Over it. All this shit that I have been stressing over is so stupid. Just freaking dumb.
If I was running a multi-million dollar production company, do you think I really need to care if my workers think I'm nice?
Does Tyler Perry worry about people saying he's gay?
Does Oprah give two shits about 50 cent saying she acts white?
Has Cathy Hughes (owner of radio one) even a given second thought to people who berate her for not hooking them up with for a job?
Does Tyra Banks even care about the endless barrage of insults that she endures on a daily basis even though they're well deserved?
Has Bill Gates even thought about how stupid people thought he was when he left Harvard?
The answer is a resounding no. These people I'm sure get shit every single day on a much deeper level. Think about the people who have the endure this who have to feed their kids or take care of a sick parent. People just get shit. Most of the time its for the dumbest reasons you can think of. You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. The only thing you have control over is your attitude towards it.
Right now, I don't consider myself the most confident of people, but my self-esteem isn't circling the toilet like it was. Right now, a lot of people do not like me here. My attitude before was more angry. Because I'm not an ass-kisser, I just became hellbent on not becoming an ass-kisser resulting in bitching all the time about how I refuse to conform. It was a selfish attitude, because I worried about them just as much as they worried about me. Over stupid shit.
I also need to stop letting the attitudes of others influence me so much. I need to stop comparing my situation to the plight of other people, to make me feel better. Its almost if I can get other people to say such and such is crazy, then I'll feel better that I'm not. Just have an epiphany as to how stupid it all is, block that shit out, and keep it moving. I won't be here forever. I don't have to deal with these people in my personal life. There are some really nice people here despite all the crap. This shit is nothing. Treat it like its nothing.
If I was running a multi-million dollar production company, do you think I really need to care if my workers think I'm nice?
Does Tyler Perry worry about people saying he's gay?
Does Oprah give two shits about 50 cent saying she acts white?
Has Cathy Hughes (owner of radio one) even a given second thought to people who berate her for not hooking them up with for a job?
Does Tyra Banks even care about the endless barrage of insults that she endures on a daily basis even though they're well deserved?
Has Bill Gates even thought about how stupid people thought he was when he left Harvard?
The answer is a resounding no. These people I'm sure get shit every single day on a much deeper level. Think about the people who have the endure this who have to feed their kids or take care of a sick parent. People just get shit. Most of the time its for the dumbest reasons you can think of. You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. The only thing you have control over is your attitude towards it.
Right now, I don't consider myself the most confident of people, but my self-esteem isn't circling the toilet like it was. Right now, a lot of people do not like me here. My attitude before was more angry. Because I'm not an ass-kisser, I just became hellbent on not becoming an ass-kisser resulting in bitching all the time about how I refuse to conform. It was a selfish attitude, because I worried about them just as much as they worried about me. Over stupid shit.
I also need to stop letting the attitudes of others influence me so much. I need to stop comparing my situation to the plight of other people, to make me feel better. Its almost if I can get other people to say such and such is crazy, then I'll feel better that I'm not. Just have an epiphany as to how stupid it all is, block that shit out, and keep it moving. I won't be here forever. I don't have to deal with these people in my personal life. There are some really nice people here despite all the crap. This shit is nothing. Treat it like its nothing.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Escape from Hades. The End is Nearer than I Thought.
This post is to let you all know, I'm about to be let go from the job.
No, I haven't done anything wrong. No, I didn't cuss anybody out. No, strangely I didn't do anything wrong to my knowledge. I stopped talking to the black executive assistant. I saw what kind of person she was and I cut that shit off quick. I don't kiss her ass, and basically she wants me gone. Isn't that sad? She told me today that everything I say to her, she would talk to my boss. AKA If you piss me off again, if you fuck up, I'll tell you're boss so you're getting fired. I had no idea I had that kind of control over people. I also I knew that this day would come so I will be temping again soon.
God gave me that job at J-Crew because he knew the end was near. He gave me insurance immediately because he knew I needed it. He knew. He also probably knows how freaking prideful I am, how I would never quit on my own accord I would just take it because I needed the money and damn my self esteem. I have been bitching about this job every chance I get and its been 5 months. When a job takes over your soul like this, time to go. Last time, I was fired from a job it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me. I didn't think that at the time, it was the end of the world, but it was the same exact situation. I was unemployed for 2 months and then I got the job at the University, after 6 years, I had to make myself leave it.
Thank God for my friends, my sister, and my father. God has put some truly wonderful people in my life because I have a few people to call when I need help, and boy have they helped. I just hope that I get into a good enough financial position soon where I can return the favor.
No, I haven't done anything wrong. No, I didn't cuss anybody out. No, strangely I didn't do anything wrong to my knowledge. I stopped talking to the black executive assistant. I saw what kind of person she was and I cut that shit off quick. I don't kiss her ass, and basically she wants me gone. Isn't that sad? She told me today that everything I say to her, she would talk to my boss. AKA If you piss me off again, if you fuck up, I'll tell you're boss so you're getting fired. I had no idea I had that kind of control over people. I also I knew that this day would come so I will be temping again soon.
God gave me that job at J-Crew because he knew the end was near. He gave me insurance immediately because he knew I needed it. He knew. He also probably knows how freaking prideful I am, how I would never quit on my own accord I would just take it because I needed the money and damn my self esteem. I have been bitching about this job every chance I get and its been 5 months. When a job takes over your soul like this, time to go. Last time, I was fired from a job it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me. I didn't think that at the time, it was the end of the world, but it was the same exact situation. I was unemployed for 2 months and then I got the job at the University, after 6 years, I had to make myself leave it.
Thank God for my friends, my sister, and my father. God has put some truly wonderful people in my life because I have a few people to call when I need help, and boy have they helped. I just hope that I get into a good enough financial position soon where I can return the favor.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Tumultuous Weekend/Day 6-Escape from Hades
I apologize in advance for the length on this post, but in all fairness this shit has happened in a span of 5 days. Its no wonder I have lost 12 pounds, and still counting.
Well, this has indeed been an interesting weekend. Where do I start.
My godmother called to tell me that I am hanging out with my cousin too much and I need to get a life. She said that her boyfriend was going to try to sleep with me and it was going cause a bad situation. She also said that I need to stop turning against my family. It was like my mother was speaking through a ventriloquist's dummy. That was Wednesday.
I called in sick on Thursday so I can go to orientation for Jcrew. I actually was very nervous because I never called in sick before, never had to. I just never had a job where I had to fake sick to get off for something. Its right across the street and if someone happened to be over on their lunch break and they spotted me, my ass was gone. So I wore a hat and sunglasses when I was walking in. Well worth the lie though, for a part time job in a mall, its 10.50 an hour plus benefits, the discount is unreal,after sixty days I get $200 worth of free merchandise, and I love the clothes. Am thinking seriously about quitting here to work full time there. That was Thursday.
I don't remember if I have spoken about the black executive assistant here who I couldn't figure out if I can stand or not. Well, long story short, she asked me to do to call her about something, I got busy doing something else to the point where I couldn't, she got an attitude, I got one right back, so she calls herself giving me the silent treatment. I had trouble figuring out whether I liked her or not anyway, because whenever we were "cool", when she did talk to me, it was always about her, her hair, her 40,000 car, her men, all about her. And you all know, if its one thing I cannot stand its a fucking self-involved attention whore. I guess this means good riddence. That was Friday.
I was over my cousin and her boyfriend's house this past weekend, like I am every weekend. I literally went outside to get groceries, when I came back the police we're there. In a nutshell, and I'm not making this up, my cousin answered his work cell phone because it wouldn't stop ringing, so it might have been an emergency. She told him this very fact, and he went ballistic. To the point where she called 911 on him. I was watching her daughter, trying to get outside to get out all the drama, when he calls me into the room. My cousin has taken his car keys and his ATM card because she doesn't want him to leave. He wants me to get them back. I try to leave, he closes the door. I am scared for her at this point because I know from experience when somebody is that crazy, there is nothing you can do, so I beg her to give him his keys so he can get the fuck out. Her name is on his car, so she refuses. He asks me to drive him to a motel. Keep in mind there is a 3-year child in the next room, who I am trying to keep out of this. I drive him to a hotel. Nothing happens, he is actually very considerate towards me the whole time. My cousin is a wreck, and I took care of her the rest of the weekend. That was Saturday.
Went to church, it was great. Realized that a lot of things in my life sort of slid downwards when I stopped going to church. My poor cousin, it was like the pastor was speaking to her. She is being strong, I offered to leave early, so she can have time to herself. That was Sunday.
Final thoughts? The boyfriend is unstable as hell. Not this first time he's gone off that way. It's easy to just say that I see it because I'm around so much, but the first time I ever met him, and came to visit them when they used to live in Indiana, he blew up like that. Its always over something trivial, always. Its easy to say I'm leaving when you don't have any kids together, but when you do and they actually love their father, its harder to say peace out. He's not going anywhere. I love my cousin dearly, she's the sweetest person in the world, but there is no way in hell I would be with someone who gets angry like that out of nowhere.
As far as the job stuff? I am praying for a better one as we speak. Even though I'm just a receptionist, the corporate world is not for me. I loathe it, and I feel in my gut the end is near whether I want it to be or not.
God this is long. I am so sorry.
Well, this has indeed been an interesting weekend. Where do I start.
My godmother called to tell me that I am hanging out with my cousin too much and I need to get a life. She said that her boyfriend was going to try to sleep with me and it was going cause a bad situation. She also said that I need to stop turning against my family. It was like my mother was speaking through a ventriloquist's dummy. That was Wednesday.
I called in sick on Thursday so I can go to orientation for Jcrew. I actually was very nervous because I never called in sick before, never had to. I just never had a job where I had to fake sick to get off for something. Its right across the street and if someone happened to be over on their lunch break and they spotted me, my ass was gone. So I wore a hat and sunglasses when I was walking in. Well worth the lie though, for a part time job in a mall, its 10.50 an hour plus benefits, the discount is unreal,after sixty days I get $200 worth of free merchandise, and I love the clothes. Am thinking seriously about quitting here to work full time there. That was Thursday.
I don't remember if I have spoken about the black executive assistant here who I couldn't figure out if I can stand or not. Well, long story short, she asked me to do to call her about something, I got busy doing something else to the point where I couldn't, she got an attitude, I got one right back, so she calls herself giving me the silent treatment. I had trouble figuring out whether I liked her or not anyway, because whenever we were "cool", when she did talk to me, it was always about her, her hair, her 40,000 car, her men, all about her. And you all know, if its one thing I cannot stand its a fucking self-involved attention whore. I guess this means good riddence. That was Friday.
I was over my cousin and her boyfriend's house this past weekend, like I am every weekend. I literally went outside to get groceries, when I came back the police we're there. In a nutshell, and I'm not making this up, my cousin answered his work cell phone because it wouldn't stop ringing, so it might have been an emergency. She told him this very fact, and he went ballistic. To the point where she called 911 on him. I was watching her daughter, trying to get outside to get out all the drama, when he calls me into the room. My cousin has taken his car keys and his ATM card because she doesn't want him to leave. He wants me to get them back. I try to leave, he closes the door. I am scared for her at this point because I know from experience when somebody is that crazy, there is nothing you can do, so I beg her to give him his keys so he can get the fuck out. Her name is on his car, so she refuses. He asks me to drive him to a motel. Keep in mind there is a 3-year child in the next room, who I am trying to keep out of this. I drive him to a hotel. Nothing happens, he is actually very considerate towards me the whole time. My cousin is a wreck, and I took care of her the rest of the weekend. That was Saturday.
Went to church, it was great. Realized that a lot of things in my life sort of slid downwards when I stopped going to church. My poor cousin, it was like the pastor was speaking to her. She is being strong, I offered to leave early, so she can have time to herself. That was Sunday.
Final thoughts? The boyfriend is unstable as hell. Not this first time he's gone off that way. It's easy to just say that I see it because I'm around so much, but the first time I ever met him, and came to visit them when they used to live in Indiana, he blew up like that. Its always over something trivial, always. Its easy to say I'm leaving when you don't have any kids together, but when you do and they actually love their father, its harder to say peace out. He's not going anywhere. I love my cousin dearly, she's the sweetest person in the world, but there is no way in hell I would be with someone who gets angry like that out of nowhere.
As far as the job stuff? I am praying for a better one as we speak. Even though I'm just a receptionist, the corporate world is not for me. I loathe it, and I feel in my gut the end is near whether I want it to be or not.
God this is long. I am so sorry.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Day 1 -- The Escape from Hades
I actually got to go home this weekend, thank god. It was great. I realize now exactly why it took me so long to leave in the first place. Because its easy. It's so easy.
Addam and I had this discussion when I went home. We're losers. I always talked about other people like dogs when I went home, how much of a loser they are and how they aren't doing anything with their lives. Without realizing all this time, that was me as well. I became a loser while I was there. Charging up credit cards, eating out 2 or 3 times a day, wearing literally nothing but khaki's, polo's, and flip flops every day, and not putting forth any effort whatsoever to become an adult. I kicked it for 6 years. And that's all that mattered.
Yeah, I hated it and I wanted to leave, but in retrospect I really didn't hate it all. I just hated myself for getting so damn complacent. Two bedroom apt. souped up cable, paid for car. Allowed myself to accept mediocrty from myself and others around me. Didn't want to leave. Why should I? I honestly could have lived like that for at least another 2 or 3 years.
The circumstances surrounding this trip were in turmoil becaus I had applied for a loan processor job here in the house of satan. I only did it for money, I had been here for a couple of months, I showed up on time everyday, I knew the job was trainable, and I already knew everyone. I thought what the harm? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Apparently they don't like me back there, they really have no reason to since I don't talk to them really, therein lying the problem i.e. I'm not one of them. The manager of the department is hmm...not my cup of tea. He's one of those boss types who likes to pretend that he's a nice person, make lame jokes with people and shit, but in reality is a huge asshole. For me, if you're going to be an asshole, be an asshole. At least, I'll have a chance to get used to it. He told me during an interview, that he didn't care if I was a superstar, no matter how well I did my job,if I didn't fit in then I wouldn't last very long.And I need to dress older. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of my time here in the Satan house. Life has been hell here ever since. If I got that job, I couldn't go home for Daddy's reunion, and I called him crying when I told him. I've never not wanted a job so bad in my whole life. I prayed that it wasn't offered to me so I can get to go home, because it killed me to let my father down. God is always right on time.
Also, I got a part-time job that I so desperately need, but thanks to the asshole people nature of LA, the HR manager refuses to do orientation on the weekends or during evening hours so I have to call in on Thurs. (convincigly) so I can go to work at my other job.
So what's my plan of action? The financial situation is still bleak, but depending on how this week goes, there will be relief soon. With some extra income coming in, I should be out of the room for rent in about 2 - 3 months. Having my own place with cable tv, even if its a shack, would make a huge difference. And I have some tricks up my sleeves for busting out of hell too.
Keep you posted.
Addam and I had this discussion when I went home. We're losers. I always talked about other people like dogs when I went home, how much of a loser they are and how they aren't doing anything with their lives. Without realizing all this time, that was me as well. I became a loser while I was there. Charging up credit cards, eating out 2 or 3 times a day, wearing literally nothing but khaki's, polo's, and flip flops every day, and not putting forth any effort whatsoever to become an adult. I kicked it for 6 years. And that's all that mattered.
Yeah, I hated it and I wanted to leave, but in retrospect I really didn't hate it all. I just hated myself for getting so damn complacent. Two bedroom apt. souped up cable, paid for car. Allowed myself to accept mediocrty from myself and others around me. Didn't want to leave. Why should I? I honestly could have lived like that for at least another 2 or 3 years.
The circumstances surrounding this trip were in turmoil becaus I had applied for a loan processor job here in the house of satan. I only did it for money, I had been here for a couple of months, I showed up on time everyday, I knew the job was trainable, and I already knew everyone. I thought what the harm? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Apparently they don't like me back there, they really have no reason to since I don't talk to them really, therein lying the problem i.e. I'm not one of them. The manager of the department is hmm...not my cup of tea. He's one of those boss types who likes to pretend that he's a nice person, make lame jokes with people and shit, but in reality is a huge asshole. For me, if you're going to be an asshole, be an asshole. At least, I'll have a chance to get used to it. He told me during an interview, that he didn't care if I was a superstar, no matter how well I did my job,if I didn't fit in then I wouldn't last very long.And I need to dress older. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of my time here in the Satan house. Life has been hell here ever since. If I got that job, I couldn't go home for Daddy's reunion, and I called him crying when I told him. I've never not wanted a job so bad in my whole life. I prayed that it wasn't offered to me so I can get to go home, because it killed me to let my father down. God is always right on time.
Also, I got a part-time job that I so desperately need, but thanks to the asshole people nature of LA, the HR manager refuses to do orientation on the weekends or during evening hours so I have to call in on Thurs. (convincigly) so I can go to work at my other job.
So what's my plan of action? The financial situation is still bleak, but depending on how this week goes, there will be relief soon. With some extra income coming in, I should be out of the room for rent in about 2 - 3 months. Having my own place with cable tv, even if its a shack, would make a huge difference. And I have some tricks up my sleeves for busting out of hell too.
Keep you posted.
Monday, July 16, 2007
More mis-adventures at the club
So yes, here's another episode of my mis-adventures at to the club. For you few who have not read my musings before, I hate going to the club. But at the same time, I'm fascinated because its something new every single time I go.
I went to the club in Long Beach with my cousin, her boyfriend, his best friend and his wife. The boyfriend's BFF and his wife got into a huge argument while waiting for us and there was tension between them all night. My cousin got upset that some girl was sexy dancing in front of her man, and kept sitting next to him accidently, so she proceeded to slob him down in front of him and almost got into a fight with the girl. Which further supports my theory as to why couples should not go to the club together, it's asking for trouble.
The music was boring, there were all old people there, and there were absolutely no single attractive men under the age of 40. I take that back, no single attractive men at all.
Here's an interesting tidbit. Not a single black male approached me all night, not one. Not unusual for LA, they don't like us here. The random drunk person who decides I'm the one for him and decides to fixate on me all night was white (ghetto white boy), said that he was here with 4 black guys and they all refuse to mess with black girls. Too much drama, he says. Its weird. Keep in mind there are these are not the creme de la creme of black men, their old, overweight, wearing T-shirts and air force ones to the club, they avoided, me, my cousin, and the wife like the plague, and we were sitting by ourselves the whole night. It sucked.
And I am no longer in the wedding that I promised to be in, thank God. Long stupid ass story short, the bride's sister aka maid of honor tried very poorly to hit on my cousin's boyfriend (and yes, she knew they were together) thus her not being in the wedding and me following suit. Tried to get my deposit back on my bridesmaid's dress, manger saying no refunds on deposits, leading to the ugliest cuss that I have unloaded on a person in a very long time.
I'm over Loverboy, said it before I didn't believe myself until now. Without going into ugly ass detail, he basically proved point blank that he wants nothing to do with me romantically, and I am suprisingly okay. Like really okay.
And this now is going to be my solemn vow, I will never, ever, ever do something, in my gut that feels wrong ever, ever, again.
I went to the club in Long Beach with my cousin, her boyfriend, his best friend and his wife. The boyfriend's BFF and his wife got into a huge argument while waiting for us and there was tension between them all night. My cousin got upset that some girl was sexy dancing in front of her man, and kept sitting next to him accidently, so she proceeded to slob him down in front of him and almost got into a fight with the girl. Which further supports my theory as to why couples should not go to the club together, it's asking for trouble.
The music was boring, there were all old people there, and there were absolutely no single attractive men under the age of 40. I take that back, no single attractive men at all.
Here's an interesting tidbit. Not a single black male approached me all night, not one. Not unusual for LA, they don't like us here. The random drunk person who decides I'm the one for him and decides to fixate on me all night was white (ghetto white boy), said that he was here with 4 black guys and they all refuse to mess with black girls. Too much drama, he says. Its weird. Keep in mind there are these are not the creme de la creme of black men, their old, overweight, wearing T-shirts and air force ones to the club, they avoided, me, my cousin, and the wife like the plague, and we were sitting by ourselves the whole night. It sucked.
And I am no longer in the wedding that I promised to be in, thank God. Long stupid ass story short, the bride's sister aka maid of honor tried very poorly to hit on my cousin's boyfriend (and yes, she knew they were together) thus her not being in the wedding and me following suit. Tried to get my deposit back on my bridesmaid's dress, manger saying no refunds on deposits, leading to the ugliest cuss that I have unloaded on a person in a very long time.
I'm over Loverboy, said it before I didn't believe myself until now. Without going into ugly ass detail, he basically proved point blank that he wants nothing to do with me romantically, and I am suprisingly okay. Like really okay.
And this now is going to be my solemn vow, I will never, ever, ever do something, in my gut that feels wrong ever, ever, again.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Weirdo
So I've come to this conclusion recently. Yes, I'm a weirdo. I've actually come to terms with it. Most people who come into contact with me are going to think I am weird. It's okay. The reason I have recently accepted this is because I have moved to another state, started over with different people, and I have still gotten the label that has plagued me ever since grammar school. Weirdo....
Let me clarify this first of all, I don't think I'm weird. At all. My best friend since high school does not understand why people who went to school with us have always thought I was weird. My cousin who has known me my entire life, says I've always been weird. But she has always known it and accepted it. Most of my friends who I have met later in life are gay men, most people would probably think think that's weird. But I don't, I think its just fine.
In light of recent events, most people are stupid. All of you all probably have figured this out already. This is just my first time actually saying it out loud. Thank the lord, I have gone through enough crap in my life to not be like this. They're very banal, revolve their lives around the dumbest shit, and can pontificate for the longest amount of time about events that I didn't know you can describe for more that two sentences.
For the record here's a short list of why people think I'm weird,
(For lengths sake, I'll keep the explanations to a minimum)
1. I'm quiet.-Some people just don't talk a lot. I'm one of those people. Mostly I don't talk about myself very much. I didn't know you were supposed to.
2.I don't react to people.-I swear, you can sit there and tell me what you may think is the funniest joke in the whole world, if I don't think its funny I will look at you with straight stoneface and not even fake laugh. I think it pisses people off that they can't really get a read on me.
3.I don't talk about myself-Most of the time, with most people, I can't get a word in edgewise. I just think facets of your personality are something your friends or people who want to get to know you should discover on their own, not something you should blab about nonstop.
4.I'm smart-Upon meeting me for the first time, you'd probably think I was dumb, because I don't go around advertising it like some folks. Sometimes I see it as a character flaw, because I don't strive to work for Microsoft or something. But it's given me shit my whole life.
5.I'm self-aware-The gay boy(I promise to write about that one day) breaking up with me 5 years ago ended up being probably the best thing that ever happened to me because I sure as hell wouldn't be the person writing this blog. I don't care whether you're friends with me or not, I'm totally okay with being by myself. For example, the new season of Psych starts tonight on USA and the only way I'll miss that is if I see Harry Potter. That makes me glow.
Honorable mention: I like Harry Potter, would never date a thug, can talk for hours on end about acne and Shia Labeouf, don't even get me started on the movie dorkiness I can discuss them all the way down to art direction and plot holes.
Does all this seem weird to you?
Let me clarify this first of all, I don't think I'm weird. At all. My best friend since high school does not understand why people who went to school with us have always thought I was weird. My cousin who has known me my entire life, says I've always been weird. But she has always known it and accepted it. Most of my friends who I have met later in life are gay men, most people would probably think think that's weird. But I don't, I think its just fine.
In light of recent events, most people are stupid. All of you all probably have figured this out already. This is just my first time actually saying it out loud. Thank the lord, I have gone through enough crap in my life to not be like this. They're very banal, revolve their lives around the dumbest shit, and can pontificate for the longest amount of time about events that I didn't know you can describe for more that two sentences.
For the record here's a short list of why people think I'm weird,
(For lengths sake, I'll keep the explanations to a minimum)
1. I'm quiet.-Some people just don't talk a lot. I'm one of those people. Mostly I don't talk about myself very much. I didn't know you were supposed to.
2.I don't react to people.-I swear, you can sit there and tell me what you may think is the funniest joke in the whole world, if I don't think its funny I will look at you with straight stoneface and not even fake laugh. I think it pisses people off that they can't really get a read on me.
3.I don't talk about myself-Most of the time, with most people, I can't get a word in edgewise. I just think facets of your personality are something your friends or people who want to get to know you should discover on their own, not something you should blab about nonstop.
4.I'm smart-Upon meeting me for the first time, you'd probably think I was dumb, because I don't go around advertising it like some folks. Sometimes I see it as a character flaw, because I don't strive to work for Microsoft or something. But it's given me shit my whole life.
5.I'm self-aware-The gay boy(I promise to write about that one day) breaking up with me 5 years ago ended up being probably the best thing that ever happened to me because I sure as hell wouldn't be the person writing this blog. I don't care whether you're friends with me or not, I'm totally okay with being by myself. For example, the new season of Psych starts tonight on USA and the only way I'll miss that is if I see Harry Potter. That makes me glow.
Honorable mention: I like Harry Potter, would never date a thug, can talk for hours on end about acne and Shia Labeouf, don't even get me started on the movie dorkiness I can discuss them all the way down to art direction and plot holes.
Does all this seem weird to you?
Monday, July 09, 2007
*stupid blogger won't let me write a title*
So I am currently working in Satan's house, its official. It's the house of Satan. Evil dwells in the house. I am really stressed out. Plus, this job is not doing anything to relieve my financial status; which means no fall acting classes. My hair is breaking, I'm sick. Something's gotta give.
Pros:
I've been writing a lot. I've been reading a lot. I'm learing a lot about the way the world really works. How devious and fake people really are. My interest in trying to conquer the corporate world has completely waned. It's all about being an actress for sure.
It also pretty much saves your life to have something that you're passionate about, otherwise these jobs will get to you. When these people raise their noses at me, the first thing I think is, "What do you clear maybe 80 - 85 a year? Chump change. You can go ahead and hide behind your desks if you want, You have no idea how much richer I'm going to be than you one day. Richer than everyone in this bank combined." And I feel better, because I know it's true.
Success takes a lot of hard work. Duh, right. But you don't know unless you actually start experiencing all the bullshit you go through to start living your dream. I still don't know what possesses me to do this. Most people who make that kind of money independently, work hard. Really hard. That's what I'm trying to do.
Cons:
People suck. I'm so anti-social its not even funny. I applied for another position here, for more money, of course and the managers of that particular department told me to my face, that I dress to young, and no matter how hard I worked, I would never fit in. A little inappopriate during an interview don't you think? God, forbid that they hire me because I'm qualified for the job, but because I don't go around laughing at jokes that at stuffy old man jokes that aren't funny nor do I fake laugh, I don't fit in. Jesus, help everyone that I come on time and do whatever is asked of me. Just ri-damn-diculous.
I'm still in credit card hell, but I'm managing. I realize that this job as well as my living situation are a means to an end, and its this trouble is just temporary. It's not forever. Just until I get on my feet.
Everyone begin praying in unison that I get a better paying job soon, so I can get out of the seventh circle of hell.
Monday, July 02, 2007
The journey lives on...
Excuse the babbling, its been a journey here so far. One that hasn't let up yet.
Let’s start today out on a highly superficial note. I have given up sugar completely. I am a sweets addict. I don’t what it is about this polluted LA water but it has wrecked havoc on my skin. And I don’t know why, but every time I even look at sugar now, my skin erupts into this pimple filled volcano. I even started using proactive and it made it worse. Its looks like it’s trying to do something to improve now, but still it was touch and go there for a minute, and yes, my vanity is completely out of control.
I had a fun weekend. I needed this weekend. Last week was rough, in fact this whole depression period has been rough, but I actually did things to keep myself occupied that didn’t include charging my credit card with clothes I don’t need to fill that void in my life. It felt good. I'm going to start doing that from now on.
This weekend, I went to a water park for the first time, which meant I had to wear a swimsuit in public for the first time. I was terrified. But you know what, have you ever been to the beach? Nobody, and I mean hardly anybody is in shape. They go out there, they put on that swimsuit or two-piece, cellulite ridden or gut be damned, and they go swimming. After a while, even though I felt like I was walking around in my underwear, I didn’t care.
I don’t want to speak to soon, but Loverboy seems to have done a complete turnaround these last couple of weeks. Once again, I don’t want to speak to soon, but he’s actually very sweet. He’s not just having a sweet moment. He’s has his issues, just like myself, but he’s dearly sweet person, whose trying very hard to get himself through a rough time and I am glad that God put him in my life.
Let’s start today out on a highly superficial note. I have given up sugar completely. I am a sweets addict. I don’t what it is about this polluted LA water but it has wrecked havoc on my skin. And I don’t know why, but every time I even look at sugar now, my skin erupts into this pimple filled volcano. I even started using proactive and it made it worse. Its looks like it’s trying to do something to improve now, but still it was touch and go there for a minute, and yes, my vanity is completely out of control.
I had a fun weekend. I needed this weekend. Last week was rough, in fact this whole depression period has been rough, but I actually did things to keep myself occupied that didn’t include charging my credit card with clothes I don’t need to fill that void in my life. It felt good. I'm going to start doing that from now on.
This weekend, I went to a water park for the first time, which meant I had to wear a swimsuit in public for the first time. I was terrified. But you know what, have you ever been to the beach? Nobody, and I mean hardly anybody is in shape. They go out there, they put on that swimsuit or two-piece, cellulite ridden or gut be damned, and they go swimming. After a while, even though I felt like I was walking around in my underwear, I didn’t care.
I don’t want to speak to soon, but Loverboy seems to have done a complete turnaround these last couple of weeks. Once again, I don’t want to speak to soon, but he’s actually very sweet. He’s not just having a sweet moment. He’s has his issues, just like myself, but he’s dearly sweet person, whose trying very hard to get himself through a rough time and I am glad that God put him in my life.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
A Quick Note
Wanted to make the announcement that I have started working on my first short film. I actually started writing it, still have to do the research on financing and such. But I actually came up with a concept to say the least.
In other news, I'm still to broke to buy lemons from the farmers' market.
In other news, I'm still to broke to buy lemons from the farmers' market.
Monday, June 25, 2007
It's official. I'm miserable
So truth be told, I am unbelievably depressed right now. I hate when so much stuff going on that you don't really know where to begin. I'll try to go in order of importance.
I'm having family trouble. I'm actually going to avoid talking about this because I'll start crying.
I hate my job. That's the first time I've actually said it out loud. I'm grateful to have one, but it's demeaning. I'm a recepetionist. Not an office assistant. Not and admin. assistant. A receptionist. I know I want to be an actress and all, but I hate sitting down all day, I hate not doing anything worthwhile. I hate the money. I am completely aware I'm being a total brat, but I don't care. I took this job, truthfully, is because my temp agency has been so good to me since I've been here, I didn't want to disappoint them by leaving this one and taking another. Hence leading to my next point.
I'm too nice. I do things solely not to disappoint other people. God forbid they don't like, or have a less than positive opinion of me, but that's just the way I am. It is something that will have to change. I agreed to be in a wedding this weekend. For a girl I barely know. Why do you ask? Long story short, I was doing a favor for my cousin who also begrudgingly agreed. Plus, I'm bored. Need something to do. Which leads to my next point.
I'm lonely. I used to always make fun of people who say they were lonely, because I felt sorry for people who are not comfortable with themselves. Well, jokes on me now. Its different here, unlike what you see on tv, i.e. Most LA people being single and fabulous, everybody is in a relationship here. And you're weird if you're not. At least that's the way I feel. My cousin, who was supposed to be my roadog, braving Cali together, is pretty much completely devoted to her boyfriend at this point. As well she should be. But she doesn't want to go anywhere unless it has something to do with him and his friends. Me not having a life, just follows along. I'm not a follower. But I slowly feel like I'm becoming one.
The financial difficulty is just the icing on the cake.
My spirit is broken, I need to regroup. I need for it to hit me how I can start living for myself again, and start my way down that path to making it life. I guess you have to feel like this in order to start believing.
I'm having family trouble. I'm actually going to avoid talking about this because I'll start crying.
I hate my job. That's the first time I've actually said it out loud. I'm grateful to have one, but it's demeaning. I'm a recepetionist. Not an office assistant. Not and admin. assistant. A receptionist. I know I want to be an actress and all, but I hate sitting down all day, I hate not doing anything worthwhile. I hate the money. I am completely aware I'm being a total brat, but I don't care. I took this job, truthfully, is because my temp agency has been so good to me since I've been here, I didn't want to disappoint them by leaving this one and taking another. Hence leading to my next point.
I'm too nice. I do things solely not to disappoint other people. God forbid they don't like, or have a less than positive opinion of me, but that's just the way I am. It is something that will have to change. I agreed to be in a wedding this weekend. For a girl I barely know. Why do you ask? Long story short, I was doing a favor for my cousin who also begrudgingly agreed. Plus, I'm bored. Need something to do. Which leads to my next point.
I'm lonely. I used to always make fun of people who say they were lonely, because I felt sorry for people who are not comfortable with themselves. Well, jokes on me now. Its different here, unlike what you see on tv, i.e. Most LA people being single and fabulous, everybody is in a relationship here. And you're weird if you're not. At least that's the way I feel. My cousin, who was supposed to be my roadog, braving Cali together, is pretty much completely devoted to her boyfriend at this point. As well she should be. But she doesn't want to go anywhere unless it has something to do with him and his friends. Me not having a life, just follows along. I'm not a follower. But I slowly feel like I'm becoming one.
The financial difficulty is just the icing on the cake.
My spirit is broken, I need to regroup. I need for it to hit me how I can start living for myself again, and start my way down that path to making it life. I guess you have to feel like this in order to start believing.
Monday, June 18, 2007
The first ever double post...I'm broke/I'm going to be single forever
I don't know if I've ever been that open about my money problems before, but I guess I will now.
I'm broke. Who isn't right? Well, I am included in the most elite of the broke. Summary breakdown of my expenses?
Rent $600
car note $345
insurance $98
I owe the government $500
credit card bills from "emergencies" because I make no money...$1 million dollars.(not really, but close to it).
So I guess I could get a second job right? Wrong, I worked two jobs for three years and it didn't make a dent in my finances. Budget? okay, I have been lately. I made a commitmment to myself that I was going to get my shit together all summer so that I can start acting classes in the fall. Well, considering where I live and all the unexpected things that come up, (i.e. the flat tire I got last week, the $100 I still owe loverboy) its hard to do so.
My job? Pays nothing. I've never made money for real. Ever. As far as a second job, well it took me forever to get this one so I can't imagine getting another one that has to fit into a schedule. I'm not ruling it out completely, but its just I've been there and done that. And the more money you make, the more you spend.
The hard truth? I have been on roughly 15(?) job interviews and my already waning self-esteem was crushed a little with each one. Always the same shit, always the same protocol, always going with a internal candidate making the preparation as well as the trip itself a waste of time.I'm very grateful I can pay(or pay on) my bills, and I see this job as paying my dues and such, but I'm worth a lot more than this. It really disheartens me that I see so many people, people who I'm smarter than, people who don't know the meaning of working hard, get ahead based on the fact that they knew someone, or they just plain got lucky. I am very aware that the world is not fair, but screw that. I'm tired of the world not being fair, and I am so sick of the people who deserve the most getting the shit kicked out of them.
And scene...
Dude I spoke about in my last post? Done.
Summary. Met me for drinks on Sunday. Saw him there drinking, drunk out of his mind. Depressed more than anyone I've ever seen.Turns out the only reason he invited me in the first place is because he needed someone to pay for his drinks. He left his card at another bar. Didn't know this until after I got the bill. He said that he had money at his house and he would follow me to mine to give me the money back. He went in his house. I took off. Haven't seen or heard from him since.
Found out yesterday from his friend that he saw his ex-fiance with another man the day prior to our gathering. And apparently he's suicidal because of it. Not funny, but kinda funny. The bitch in me admits that.
Needless to say, my record remains intact. So girls, if you want to find out if your man is crazy or not, have him around me for about a day. Trust me, its like dracula turning ordinary humans into the undead.
Monday, June 11, 2007
I need some help....
So maybe you all can help me.
I'm seeing someone...blah, blah, I know don't get your panties in an uproar it ain't all that. When I met him, I didn't feel that overwhelming attraction that I usually feel with guys I "like". He said all the right things. I heard from his friends that he was a really good guy. He has a good job, his own place, and no kids. Hallelujah.
The bad. He was engaged 3 months ago. His fiance all but left him at the altar. He's not over it. He drinks everyday. So far in the past 3 weeks I've known him, he's stood me up twice, I had to push him off me on our first outing because he was a little to drunk and got too handsy (for which he slept in the car for), and I actually had to buy drinks yesterday because he got too drunk and lost his credit card. Sounds like a winner, huh.
It's pretty obvious he's not over that girl. It's lonely out here, so I'm trying to be patient as possible. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if i'm going to break up with him via voicemail, passive aggressive not returning phone calls, or tell him straight to his face. I've never dumped someone in their face before. I practiced my speech too, it goes something like this:
"I really like you a lot, so this is really hard for me. But it seems like your head isn't in this. Maybe some other time when you're ready to try this for real."
Sounds good right? I'll keep you posted.
I'm seeing someone...blah, blah, I know don't get your panties in an uproar it ain't all that. When I met him, I didn't feel that overwhelming attraction that I usually feel with guys I "like". He said all the right things. I heard from his friends that he was a really good guy. He has a good job, his own place, and no kids. Hallelujah.
The bad. He was engaged 3 months ago. His fiance all but left him at the altar. He's not over it. He drinks everyday. So far in the past 3 weeks I've known him, he's stood me up twice, I had to push him off me on our first outing because he was a little to drunk and got too handsy (for which he slept in the car for), and I actually had to buy drinks yesterday because he got too drunk and lost his credit card. Sounds like a winner, huh.
It's pretty obvious he's not over that girl. It's lonely out here, so I'm trying to be patient as possible. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if i'm going to break up with him via voicemail, passive aggressive not returning phone calls, or tell him straight to his face. I've never dumped someone in their face before. I practiced my speech too, it goes something like this:
"I really like you a lot, so this is really hard for me. But it seems like your head isn't in this. Maybe some other time when you're ready to try this for real."
Sounds good right? I'll keep you posted.
Friday, June 01, 2007
An All New Random Blog Tidbits Post!!
1. I swear I have gotten so ridiculously vain since I have moved here. I have spent at least the last 7 years not giving a shit about what I look like when I left the house. Now I can barely afford my rent, but my hair and nails are done every week.
2. In, yet another case of my rotten man luck. I met a guy on Saturday. A really nice guy. I never meet nice guys. Ever. It sucks because this one actually had potential. Turns out, he just got of a really bad relationship. Like, girl left him at the altar bad. 3 months ago. Told him to call me when he works through his pain.
3. Loverboy is moving back home. Like out of LA, back to the south home. He says its only for a couple of months, but honestly I don't think he's coming back. Its okay. I figured God gave us enough time for me to live with him, fully understand him, save some money to get my own place, and start my life here. I will always be grateful for what he did for me. But he needs to work out his demons on his own now, or at least with someone else.
4. Loverboy's roomate and I officially hate each other. Not that we didn't before, but Loverboy has to keep us seperated now. Fucking asshole.
2. In, yet another case of my rotten man luck. I met a guy on Saturday. A really nice guy. I never meet nice guys. Ever. It sucks because this one actually had potential. Turns out, he just got of a really bad relationship. Like, girl left him at the altar bad. 3 months ago. Told him to call me when he works through his pain.
3. Loverboy is moving back home. Like out of LA, back to the south home. He says its only for a couple of months, but honestly I don't think he's coming back. Its okay. I figured God gave us enough time for me to live with him, fully understand him, save some money to get my own place, and start my life here. I will always be grateful for what he did for me. But he needs to work out his demons on his own now, or at least with someone else.
4. Loverboy's roomate and I officially hate each other. Not that we didn't before, but Loverboy has to keep us seperated now. Fucking asshole.
Monday, May 21, 2007
6 months....
6 months...That's exactly how long I'm giving myself to find another job. The bank bought me out so now I am actually am employee with 401K, health insurance, and everything. My title is switchboard receptionist. I hate it .
Truth be told, it is a huge relief to have some sense of security. I have more money coming in, I can actually move out of my place of residence within the 8-month timeframe that I created up for myself, I can start taking some acting classes in the fall, I can get my hair done every two weeks, and I can go home in July without worrying about if I will have a job when I get back. I wish it was a little more dignified. I wish it was a hot shit job with a lot of money so that I can really go to sleep at night. But its only temporary, and I mean it. I will never, ever, ever, eva eva eva eva eva stay at a job again for that long that I absolutely hate. Broke, bills or not. Its just not worth it. Since I have the experience of doing that now, I will never, ever, do it again. Did I say never ever by the way?
As far as insurance goes, it does not kick in until September, freaking September! Which means somehow, I'm going to have to come out of the pocket and pay Cobra $345 a month for the next 3 months!! Its not happening. Its just not.
Since I did temping for so many months now, and built somewhat of a good reputation with them, if I fuck up somehow and get fired here I can go back to temping. So it relieves a lot of stress from me to be attempting to be miss perfect all the time. Which I have been known to do. I actually need to save quite a bit of money from each check that I recieve instead of saying "ooh, I have $50 dollars left from this check, that's enough for like some decent pants and some shoes!!!" which I have been known to do...A lot.
In short, I am marking today as the first day until I find a new job. May 21st. That gives me until November/December-ish to get my shit together. I'm determined, so let's all start praying now.
Truth be told, it is a huge relief to have some sense of security. I have more money coming in, I can actually move out of my place of residence within the 8-month timeframe that I created up for myself, I can start taking some acting classes in the fall, I can get my hair done every two weeks, and I can go home in July without worrying about if I will have a job when I get back. I wish it was a little more dignified. I wish it was a hot shit job with a lot of money so that I can really go to sleep at night. But its only temporary, and I mean it. I will never, ever, ever, eva eva eva eva eva stay at a job again for that long that I absolutely hate. Broke, bills or not. Its just not worth it. Since I have the experience of doing that now, I will never, ever, do it again. Did I say never ever by the way?
As far as insurance goes, it does not kick in until September, freaking September! Which means somehow, I'm going to have to come out of the pocket and pay Cobra $345 a month for the next 3 months!! Its not happening. Its just not.
Since I did temping for so many months now, and built somewhat of a good reputation with them, if I fuck up somehow and get fired here I can go back to temping. So it relieves a lot of stress from me to be attempting to be miss perfect all the time. Which I have been known to do. I actually need to save quite a bit of money from each check that I recieve instead of saying "ooh, I have $50 dollars left from this check, that's enough for like some decent pants and some shoes!!!" which I have been known to do...A lot.
In short, I am marking today as the first day until I find a new job. May 21st. That gives me until November/December-ish to get my shit together. I'm determined, so let's all start praying now.
Monday, May 14, 2007
The Deprogram
Its been an interesting journey so far since my move. I have learned more about myself in the last 3 and a half months than in the last 2 years. To summarize what I have learned about myself per a converstation with my cousin: I have absolutely no self image, I cannot make a decision on my own, and I have only gotten this far in life because I'm good at being told what to do.
I have never spoken about my upbringing on this blog before because it (a)makes me angry, (b)I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and (c) I am trying to deprogram everything that I was taught growing up. In short, my father used to be a domineering asshole (he's evolved greatly since then, thank god), my mother was a doormat for him (still), my sister and I hated each other for most of our lives, end of story.
I guess they did do something right, because I am fairly normal to the naked eye, but that's only after many, many years of being on my own. I guess you would never know it because of this blog, but I am by nature a very quiet person. Introverted, almost. I have a lot of trouble speaking my mind. I feel nautious when I know I there is a confrontation. Even though I will never admit it out loud, I have a problem with people not liking me. The reason why is because most of my life, I never had any friends. The highlighted reasons being: I was by myself a lot, hence I didn't really react to people...still don't, hence people thought I was weird. If I met a friend I wasn't allowed to hang out with them, and also if I met someone that was cool, something always happened where they either moved away, or just plain outgrew me. All girls school. No boys in my life. Even as friends. If so, always cussed out by my dad. The one and only boyfriend was chased away by my dad at age 17 when he wanted to come see me. I know, tear.
Stability sucks by the way. Don't do that to your children. Move to a new house at least once, just for kicks. They may hate it at first, but they will thank you when they get older. I lived in the same house from birth to age 18. Every one I knew moved away at some point. I have a lot of trouble adapting to new situations. The only reason I went to college in Missouri because I wanted to go somewhere where my parents had no chance of popping up ever. I couldn't take living in that hell anymore.
Moving to LA is literally the only thing I have ever done completely for myself. I have been afraid to go for my fullest potential, because I always felt intimidated by it. I am working very, very hard to deprogram all this shit.
I have never spoken about my upbringing on this blog before because it (a)makes me angry, (b)I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and (c) I am trying to deprogram everything that I was taught growing up. In short, my father used to be a domineering asshole (he's evolved greatly since then, thank god), my mother was a doormat for him (still), my sister and I hated each other for most of our lives, end of story.
I guess they did do something right, because I am fairly normal to the naked eye, but that's only after many, many years of being on my own. I guess you would never know it because of this blog, but I am by nature a very quiet person. Introverted, almost. I have a lot of trouble speaking my mind. I feel nautious when I know I there is a confrontation. Even though I will never admit it out loud, I have a problem with people not liking me. The reason why is because most of my life, I never had any friends. The highlighted reasons being: I was by myself a lot, hence I didn't really react to people...still don't, hence people thought I was weird. If I met a friend I wasn't allowed to hang out with them, and also if I met someone that was cool, something always happened where they either moved away, or just plain outgrew me. All girls school. No boys in my life. Even as friends. If so, always cussed out by my dad. The one and only boyfriend was chased away by my dad at age 17 when he wanted to come see me. I know, tear.
Stability sucks by the way. Don't do that to your children. Move to a new house at least once, just for kicks. They may hate it at first, but they will thank you when they get older. I lived in the same house from birth to age 18. Every one I knew moved away at some point. I have a lot of trouble adapting to new situations. The only reason I went to college in Missouri because I wanted to go somewhere where my parents had no chance of popping up ever. I couldn't take living in that hell anymore.
Moving to LA is literally the only thing I have ever done completely for myself. I have been afraid to go for my fullest potential, because I always felt intimidated by it. I am working very, very hard to deprogram all this shit.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Whole Foods
So today, I had my first actual culture shock since I have moved here. It was a place that was horrifying yet intriguing, mysterious, as well as a place I hope to never have visit anytime ever again. This place actually reminded me that Dorothy is no longer in Kansas anymore. And this magical netherland of epic proportions is...
Whole Foods Grocery Store.
I'm shaking as I am typing this. Whole Foods is an organic grocery store is pretty much all over LA. No Walmarts here buddy, just expensive ass shopping all around. I kind of knew it was organic, but I didn't know it was that organic. It's vegan organic. Scary. I went in after lunch to get some $3.00 Aunt Jemima's microwave Pancakes and Sausage boxes for breakfast. Needless to say they don't sell that at whole foods.
To debunk all of your prejudged notions, everybody in LA is not skinny and pretty. That is a myth. Only in certain parts of LA do you find those people, and apparently in a Whole Foods grocery store is one of them. There a lot of skinny people here. I mean skinny. And the way you see the little celebutantes dress on the paparazzi photos with the short ass summer dresses with cowboy boots with leggings...yeah, they all dress like that. As far as the men, they're even skinnier and prettier than the women. They have model hair*. They wear makeup too. You look around thinking that you may be looking at celebrities, when in fact, its just the LA people period.
I felt fat going in there. I felt uncomfortable, looked it too. Kept looking over my shoulder and shit, hoping to catch a skinny girl frowning at what I have let myself become. First time, suprisingly since I've been here. There was this girl in another line fully made up wearing short shorts and cowboy boots who I swore was Courtney Cox. Another who I swore was Cameron Diaz. But no, two random girls standing in line. I felt like everybody was staring at me from the waist down assessing the circumfrence of my hamhock thighs and how could I let something so tragic happen to my legs? Can you feel my trauma?
Anyway, so never, ever again unless I feel the overwhelming need to become a vegetarian, or I'm trapped in the desert overcome with thirst, and all drought has caused all the cacti to dry up and the only place that has water available to continue my life as I know it is a whole foods.
Thank you.
*Model hair - shaggy longish hair cuts, that are supposed to look like one just rolled out of bed, when in fact the hairstyle takes a lot of time to do.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Don't get too happy, Paris Hilton is not going to jail
Paris Hilton is going to jail, huh. Well, I was overjoyed until it hit me that she most likely won't have to serve the whole 45 days. The jails are extremely overcrowded so I'm highballing it and guessing she'll only do about a week. Plus, people out here know that bitch isn't going to jail. I don't know if any of you have ever been in LA long enough to watch the news, but they lick celebrity's assholes here; even on the news. It becomes clearer and clearer exactly why there all assholes, because they get special treatment here like its not tomorrow.
In other news...
I was offered the receptionist position at the bank where I am currently temping. Nothing else has come along, and there are things that are coming up such as hmmm... headshots, acting classes, hair appointments as well as the extravagances such as rent, food, car note, gas etc., you know all the leftover stuff. So as you can see, I really couldn't afford to be the "against the establishment nomad" that I was intent on being for a little while. I still have some reservations, i.e. "being receptionist is beneath me", "I have a degree, I want to make real money", blah blah. Then I stop and say to myself..bitch you moved here to be an actress, if you were starting out as an actress you would not say no to parts that were beneath you, you would take what was offered because you needed money. Same rule applies here.
Oh, I don't know if I've mentioned this yet but I actually saw Paris Hilton in person like a week ago. All hatred aside, she really does look like a tranny.
In other news...
I was offered the receptionist position at the bank where I am currently temping. Nothing else has come along, and there are things that are coming up such as hmmm... headshots, acting classes, hair appointments as well as the extravagances such as rent, food, car note, gas etc., you know all the leftover stuff. So as you can see, I really couldn't afford to be the "against the establishment nomad" that I was intent on being for a little while. I still have some reservations, i.e. "being receptionist is beneath me", "I have a degree, I want to make real money", blah blah. Then I stop and say to myself..bitch you moved here to be an actress, if you were starting out as an actress you would not say no to parts that were beneath you, you would take what was offered because you needed money. Same rule applies here.
Oh, I don't know if I've mentioned this yet but I actually saw Paris Hilton in person like a week ago. All hatred aside, she really does look like a tranny.
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