We Used to Deal...

Ever heard of this term, ever used this term before? You probably have and didn't know it, so let me inform you or refresh your memory.

I believe that this term varies for different ethnicities. White people would probably universally rephrase this term as "we dated". Even if this term does not technically mean date, even if they just screwed and hung out, they say date. When they say this is my ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, this is usually a more definitive term of the relationship. We, of the minority persuasion, if we used to "see" a particular person, or screw said person for a period time, in either our past and our present, we usually use the term: "I deal with her/We used to deal". To put it more clearly, seeing someone of the opposite sex without it ever getting to relationship status.

How in the world does this happen that you end up "dealing" with somebody? Well, it's easy really. The most common example is if you meet someone that you're only sexually attracted to, not mentally attracted to. Another reason is if you meet someone who you are both mentally and sexually attracted to, but for some reason whether it's your fault or the others' fault, you never actually end up getting together. Affairs are the most popular example of this.

Some of you would never ever settle for "dealing" with somebody. It's all or nothing for you. That's great, stay that way. For the rest of us, there are some bumps in the road. I'll take myself for example, I dealt with someone off and on for 8 years. And I dated other people in between. Nasty, huh? Well, I am guilty of the second reason listed above. We'll call it an affair. Truth be told, I made it way more complicated than it had to be because of the feelings on my end, and talked myself out of a lot of relationships in the mean time. But when the relationships didn't work out, I never really let myself heal because he was always there being my psuedo-boyfriend. I also "dealt" with those other guys to make him jealous. Not good.

I met this lady who is my hairdresser's client. She is 46 and a successful HR manager with no children. She's never had a real relationship, any man she dated only "dealt" with her. In fact, the man that she said she was in love with informed her he was in love with someone else. A drug addict in fact. He recently called 46, so she can help his new woman get a job so she can get her life back on track. He said he didn't understand why she was so upset since he was never actually her boyfriend. She was clearly devastated when she was telling this story, and her story has officially become my worst nightmare.

I've "dealt with" a lot of people in my life. This is because of a combination of commitment issues, low self-esteem, and just plain old not knowing what I want. Now that I'm in my 30's, I realize now that there's actually going to be a lot of work on my part to get what I want, hence me rebooting this blog. I'm not saying, not deal with people, dealing is fine. It gets your feet wet. But put a time limit on it, a short one. Like a month. This is not enough time to get to know somebody, true, but it is enough time for you to make a checklist to evaluate if you want to continue for another month.