A posing question...

During one of many of the sleepless nights this week, my guy friend and I were having a disscussion about 1:00 in the morning about women. Long story short, he was fooling around with this woman, a black woman,decided she was crazy and didn't want to deal with her anymore and she got pissed. She's a attorney mind you, single, no kids, and drives a Mercedes, and his broke ass dropped her. Why did he drop her you ask? He said she was crazy. So crazy in fact, that he told me that she literally calls him every hour on the hour, house phone and cell phone, and leaves voicemails cussing him out. He let me hear a couple of them, and yeah, she's cracked.

This is going to sound really bad, and lord forgive me for saying this, but my mother acts like that. On the outside looking in she's the sweetest, most polite, and mannerable woman you could ever meet. She's a substitite teacher, and has to turn down jobs because everybody likes her so much. But when it comes to my father, she is ruthless. She becomes this unbelieveably jealous, horribly insecure, possesive nightmare. When it comes to my father, if she sees anyone posing a threat (and by threat, I mean someone my father actually talks to on a regular basis) she pounces like a lion to get them out of his life. Sadly, she even does this to her own kids. My father had to get a seperate cell phone that she doesn't even know about just so she won't eavesdrop on him or call back the numbers on his bill.

Continuing with my previous discussion, he said that he can count on one hand the number of black women he has met in his life without an attitude. My best friend who I've known since I was 13, have a conversation on a regular basis on how we have not really made any black female friends in our adult lives. All the black females that I am friends with I'm either related to or went to school with.

Why is that?

I'm not going to generalize and say that all black women are bitches, because they're not. I love my friends, and they don't act like that at all. My sister, for example does really well. She has a great husband, lives very comfortably and is generally satisfied with her life. But my dear sister, bless her heart, is by her own admission a snobby bitch, and about 90% of her female friends are white. I asked her why and she said that every black female that she tried to befriend in her adult life fell out with her because of a man, or they became somewhat jealous and needy because she was more successful than them. I hate to admit but I think she's right. I think this because I have a group of cousins in her age group that live where I live, who wince when I talk about her.

I don't know what to think about this, I hate making the generalization that all black women have attitudes because they don't. But I wonder do all you successful females feel this way or what?

Please Help...Serious Problem

So I have a disability that I have been sufferring from my whole life and I must conquer it very soon, or it will be completely detrimental to my well being.

I suck at job interviews.

I mean I really suck so much ass at job interviews. Bad. I have been on several job interviews and I swear some people are just polite enough to let me finish before they throw my resume quickly into the trash.

So the first question is if I suck so badly on job interviews, how do I have the job that I have now. My workplace is very, very laid back. So laid back that we had a alcoholic working here for several years and the only reason that she was fired was because she didn't tell us that she was going to rehab. Also, my current boss doesn't interview, he talks. A lot. If you pretend like your listening long enough, you can get hired. In fact, I wasn't even first choice for my job. The other guy they hired did it and found out how much money they paid and quit. So they called me.

In fact, the only other job interview I have actually aced is was when I was with my ex and I had all this super false esteem going. So I was smiley and happy. Pretty much hired me on the spot. I think I was hopped on on diet pills then too.

The pressing question: Why do I suck on job interviews? I honestly don't know, but this are my own personal theories.

1. I look desperate.
Whenever I am applying for a job, I'm so happy to get the interview that I delude myself into thinking I've gotten hired already. So when I walk in, my whole attitude screams, "Why are we going through this question nonsense, when do I start". Embarrassingly, I actually said that in an interview once. Then I get bitter. Then the nasty attitude comes in.

2. I have a nasty attitude
Anybody who knows me for real, knows that it really takes a lot for me to get excited about anything. I don't consider myself an unhappy person, just extremely cynical. I've gotten so bitter over the years, that I really don't know any other way to be. Employers don't like that.

3. I don't want the job that I'm interviewing for
I never want any of the jobs that I interview for, because when employers start asking me those dumb unecessary questions the whole time I'm thinking, "Why am I here ? I want to be an actress. Real people work is beneath me." All condescending and crap. Which slowly, but effectively creeps into my answers to the interview questions.

Sometimes I think that when these people are interviewing me they're probably thinking I going to just say fuck it and start rolling a cigarette in front of them. I hope that paints a clearer picture for you.

Any help whatsoever would be unbelievably appreciated. Because if not, I'm taking a sudafed before I walk into that piece I swear.

Tyra Banks is such a damn cunt....

Tyra, Tyra, Tyra, why do you give me so much material. I have to physically restrain myself from pontificating for hours on end about how much I hate you.

WARNING: Not Dial-up Friendly

I was watching a old episode of America's Next Top Model on VH1, and they were showing the second season when it occured to me how fixed it is and how much of a fucking cunt Tyra is. The show should be renamed Tyra Banks's Survivor or A Day in the life of Tyra the Life Ruiner instead of America's Next Top Model.

I will write this post as I am speaking to someone has never watched America's Next Top Model before. Faithful viewers I'm not insulting your intelligence.

Tyra has twelve finalists, she kicks off the biggest threat first.

This is the first girl is the first girl kicked off season 5.




This girl made it to the top 4:




Tyra kicked the first girl off because she said something in her initial interview to the judges about having "a pretty gene". The second girl wore diaper for one of the photo shoots and pissed in her diaper as a joke, and she was mean to the other girls, and that she was a drunk. When they did finally send her home, she didn't have a bad photo shoot really, the judges (by judges I mean Tyra) just made up some bullshit reason to send her home.


You see, Tyra is such a bitch she kicks off every one first who is a threat to her and leaves the girls who do not have a chance in hell to make fools out of themselves for most of the show. She usually leaves one person who actually stands a chance in the modeling world to the final 2, and picks some random ass winner.

Speaking of which...
Next up:
The runner-up


And the winner:



She knew good and well that girl was not going to do anything post Top Model because she's stupid and country. Shit, she looks it.


And don't even try to say anything to me about this bitch:



The only reason we even remember her name is because she's Missy Elliott's kept bitch. That's why we randomly see her ass on these awards shows. Not because she's "successful" You can quote me on that if you see her.

Oh, yeah the winner gets a 4-page layout in Elle girl or some major magazine. I would be pissed if I went through all of this bullshit on national television, just for this to happen:



This is the second season winner Yoanna whom I believe is the only one out of all the winners who actually looks like a model and seemingly knew something about fashion. For that, she has been reduced (by reduced I mean insecure ass Tyra blacklisting her) to hosting "The Look for Less" on the style channel never to be seen or heard from ever again.

Fuck you, Tyra. You can quote me on that if you see her.

February 14.

I've been by myself so long, I've passed the bitter "I don't have a man" valentine's day reaction and have moved on to straight indifference. I didn't even know it was Valentine's Day until a girl in my office got flowers from her boyfriend.

First of all, all bitterness aside, I hate that shit. I hate when women get flowers at their job and they fake act all surprised. Annoys me to all hell. Your boyfriend probably called you and for no apparent reason asked for the address to your job last night, and you mean to tell me you didn't know what was going on? You all been probably been together about a year and he never asked you shit about your job before, all of a sudden he's asking your address? The next day, "Oh, my god I'm can't believe he did that!". Anyway.

I turn 27 next week and my mom asked me if was going to get married before I was 30. I said no. She said why. I said "well, in order for me to get married by the time I'm 30, I sort of have to meet him by now." She looked at me like she thought I was lying. What bothered me about this exchange was not the fact that I still don't have a boyfriend, not even the fact that my mother thinks I'm a pathological liar, but the fact that I am officially old enough for the marriage naggging to start. That's late 20's nagging, that's old.

I think the first thing that crossed my mind when people ask me what I'm doing for Valentine's Day. I ask myself if I'm having sex that day. Then I ask myself if I'm having sex that week. Not necessarily in celebration of Valentine's Day, I just wondering what day I'm having sex that week.

And with who.

The White People are Drawn Together

The white people are drawn together by a force of nature I tell you. I think I can count on one hand the amount of white people that I have met in the past year who are completely unattached, and by unattached I mean not dating anyone. And if they are single, they are single for five minutes, and I mean that literally.

Let me clarify exactly what single really is because some people don't know. Single means not in a romantic relationship of any kind. Dating and fuck buddies are not the same thing. Also, if you are dating someone, the other person has to know that you are in a relationship, too. He/she also must say that you are their boyfriend or girlfriend. Which goes back to my first point, fuck buddy does not mean relationship.

The white people are drawn together to procreate and repopulate this earth. I'm convinced that one cannot be single because some of the species will die out.

There is a running joke at my morning job because out of around 18 people, I'm the only one who is single. There are some crazy mother fuckers that work there, and I'm the one who is single. My boss hired a guy about 2 or 3 months ago (who is attractive, even though he's a little on the chunky side for me) who doesn't seem crazy, but he's single. So the joke ended for a little while. He's is currently living with another girl who works there who already had a boyfriend and dumped him the day she met the new guy. Did I mention that they are living together now? Yeah....

My friend met her boyfriend on the internet a month ago, and they are currently making plans for their wedding (no shit).

Another thing that I've noticed is that when white people break up, the main reason is not cheating or growing apart or money. One person is usually just horribly dumped. I mean dumped, like flat on their ass. The other person may have cheated or the relationship has worn out its welcome, but it never ends over that. Its usually, "I used to love you, but you make me sick now, its over"; and the party who is dumped ends up in the hospital somewhere.

I can't really gage if black people have the same relationship problems from a personal perspective (being that the only real boyfriend that I ever had being gay and all, I'll save that one for another entry), but just from what I've seen its either really good from beginning to end or really bad from beginning to end. No in-between. Its interesting.

Sadly, I've noticed that since I've been blogging I'm getting a deeper understanding as to why I'm alone. I got issues. Who sit there and thinks about this shit...

There I said it...

(Takes a breath...)I take laxatives sometimes after I eat too much so I won't gain more weight. I don't really do it anymore, but at a low point last summer, I was doing it about three times a week. Does that make me bullemic?

I have addressed my horrible body images on this blog before, so I hate going into detail because it becomes boring and repetitve. But, I feel like I have to get it out but its something I need to admit to it to myself. What better way than to put it in some sort of permanent print form!

I believe it all started when I was about 11 or 12. My parents are always the type to keep it real, so when puberty hit and I started picking up a little weight. My mother would cut my portions in half, and my father would tell me I was getting fat without hesitation. My father is the type to put issues on the table that are the truth, whether you care or not, and because I am the way I am, I cared. That was the first time I ever had any thought to any weight issues whatsoever. As a result, my weight fluctuates dramatically to this day, I have clothes in my closet ranging from size 4 to 12. I've always also struggled with some sort of depression, and when that depression hits, I don't eat.

I don't think that its an eating disorder. I've never been anorexic or bullemic or anything like that, but whenever something is going wrong in my life. I turn to my body because that's something that I can actually control.

What brought this on was that I noticed that as I get older, physical appearance is a major part of people's existence. Someone can be the nicest, more sincere person in the world, and people will not give a shit just because they are fat or "ugly". A heavier woman who works at my job is a very nice person and a really hard worker. But when our boss goes on business trips to meet clients that she brings in, he never takes her. He takes the cute, skinny, no personality blonde. Sadly, living in the south its so much worse that the rest of the country percieves it too be.

The black women, at least, are never really pressured to keep that weight down, and larger women will make that occasional trip to the gym but not because they want to lose weight or get healthy, they just want to "tone up a little". If you're thin, they tell you need to eat or think something's wrong with you. I am average weight, average height, and even when I hit my heaviest not to long ago, at least once or twice a week, someone always commented on how small I was. When I went to lunch with co-workers and I didn't finish my meal, or better yet turned down a meal, they would ask me if I was sick.

My body issues are still prevalent because of these two reasons. The first reason being that I want to be an actress, I'm not light-skinned nor do I have caucasian features, so I'm going to be at a disadvantage. I'm going to have to keep my weight in check in order for me to have a chance. The second reason, as screwed up as this is, I feel like if I gain weight I will be conforming to the stereotype of the southern black woman. Since I live in a small town in the south, there are very few black women that I have met here who believe in keeping themselves in shape. They would rather be fat with a man who treats them like shit, than be healthy without one. They are unmarried with kids, no job, and if they have a man its usually a trifling one that they hold on to because they are scared to death of being alone. That's brutal, but its true.

What I am trying to work on, is not actually losing weight, but actually not being obsessed with losing it. Its a work in progress, but as cliche as it sounds, you have to admit you have one first.

Talk to myself

This has nothing to do with the topic, but Trina is not, repeat not going to be on Desperate Housewives, thank the Lord Jesus. I don't know if any of you have heard that rumor, but I for one had a mild stroke when I did.

I feel bad for you men. No wonder you have so much trouble. I've been noticing recently that girls talk a lot, I mean a lot. Not so much "I can't keep a secret, a lot", but "I can't shut up talking about myself who by the way is not very interesting" a lot. I don't have a lot of female friends, but the ones I do have do not have other female friends, because they for real cannot stop talking.

Its fine when you are natrually outgoing and you generally like getting to know about other people, that's fine. Its fine when your frustrated and venting. Its fine if you have a exciting job, and travel you have a lot to say. Its fine when you have an engaging personality (not from your own assesment, but from observations of others). Its also fine when you occasionally let the other person get a word in edgewise, and listen to them when they do. But when you go on for 30 minutes about what color your hair used to be, so much that you don't notice that the other person is not responding to anything you say? Houston, you have a problem.

Attention whore at the part time job talks like that. She lives with her husband who is a mechanic, and does nothing else but sit at home and be a mechanic, but she not only will she talk non-stop about her husband sitting at home being mechanic, she finds a way to relate it to your own personal everyday issues.

For example:

"I bought these new pants yesterday, and I don't think they fit. I'm taking them back."

"Oh, the same thing happened to Kenneth last week, and this man at his job told him to go to this store and pick these blue pants that will fit him better than the ones he has now and (insert who gives a shit here)". Are you kidding me?

It is my natrual reation to let myself not be an asshole, but believe me if I don't say it I'm damn sure going to have a look on my face that does.

The person who I spoke of earlier who talked for 20 minutes about being blond last year, was a new girl that was just hired. Who may very well be a nice person, but I don't give a shit because she talks too damn much. She even turned to me and said, "You're so quiet, I don't understand it." No bitch, of course you don't. I usually enjoy conversations with people. You know what conversations are, right? No? Exchanges? Reciprocity? Any one of these words clickin' the ol' noggin? Didn't think so.

The ghetto bitch who I used to get into it with all the time who worked here, never even stopped to take a breath. Now that I think about it, our fights usually started by me walking to the back going, "Oh my God, what the fuck, do you ever shut up!!!".

I know there are some truly wonderful females out there, I have met them and have been fortunate enough to be good friends with some of them. My best friend is definately the best girl I know. So I'm wondering is this an epidemic I don't know about? Is it new, and most importantly...Is this what it takes to get a man?

Why Tyra Banks is a Cunt

I'm getting over being sick as a dog for about the last 10 days. Every time I get that sick, after its over I feel like I'm beginning to recover from an ass beating, so I apologize in advance for the extreme bitterness of this post.

This is an short essay entitled "Why Tyra Banks is a cunt.", Students feel free to plagerize this at your own leisure.

Tyra Banks is a cunt. Tyra Banks is indeed a super cunt. There are many fake, mean, superficial people in Hollywood, or in the world for that matter. But there's something a just a little extra special about Tyra Banks.

What sparked interest for my little rant, is that I've been home sick for the last few days, and I got to catch a little talk show called "The Tyra Banks Show." We'll just take one particular episode that I saw that entailed Tyra trying to rehabilitate a porn star who works under the name "Tyra Bankxxx". This girl was about 20, it was obvious that the only reason that she was there was because she was going to get some national exposure. Tyra felt that it was her duty to take this one particular girl who carried her name, and get her off the pole. Tyra asked her about 3 times within a 30 minute interview, why me? why my name? and Ms. Bankxxx proceeded to wax poetic about how she admired her and how beautiful she was, and how people always told her how much she looked like the real Tyra, to which Tyra turned up her nose. Tyra proceeded to make a big announcement that she was going to help get her life together by giving her a scholarship to.....cosmetology school.

I don't know about you, but if I'm making $1500 a day doing what I do, I'm not trying to stop it so that I can cut some hair. Tyra was so proud when she announced this, and Ms. Bankxxx on camera gave a face like she didn't give a shit. Needless to say, I saw and update with her and she's still on the pole. Tyra has continued to have such intriguing and enlightening guests such as Superhead, and every single contestant to ever audition for America's Next Top Model.

I know what your thinking, stop hating on Tyra, she's doing her thing. Fine. But when your godmother calls you when your feeling low, and she gives you such uplifting advice such as, "Why don't you write Tyra a letter, she helps a lot of young people, she'll do the same for you." Tyra falls in that short category of people who I named "People who think we're stupid." That list includes perennial members Michael Jackson and R.Kelly, and its a hard list to get on.

Tyra first and foremost people, is a model, she didn't go to college, she didn't solve world hunger, she is not a humanitarian. She is a model. She is one of those dumb people who's become successful because of timing and luck, so she has the idea implanted in her mind that she made it because she's smart. She's not. Also, don't believe that modeling is that happy go lucky reality show that is portrayed on ANTM. Its not. I went to college with a whole bunch of "models" and they were all no personality/evil bitches. This woman is such a mean spirited bitch that she brought Naomi Campbell on her show and tried to embarasss her national television. Why? Because Naomi pretty much ran her out of fashion modeling because Naomi had more pull, so Tyra had to slum into Sports Illustrated and Victoria's Secret. She did not choose her career path, she was replaced. Naomi as much as a bitch that she is, took it like a champ.

Also, I must comment. The implant show, where she had a doctor give her an ultrasound to prove her breasts were real? We'll when you have implants for a little while enough fat grows over them where you don't see them in ultrasound. Hence, the whole show was a lie.

This concludes my essay on "Why Tyra Banks is a Cunt".


UPDATE: For those of you who think that she wasn't lying about her boobs. Here's a
closeup of the implant scar.

Riding the Bullet

I never really realized how much of my personality is connected to my cable television. I also never realized how much I am afraid to embrace change. Sound weird? I will explain.

I currently have Comcast Digital Cable that I pay almost $100 a month for. Honestly I can't afford it, but I always defend myself by saying that I really have no extravagances in my life, no shopping, no shoes, no nice restaurants, so I will enjoy having the luxury of watching good cable television. That being said, my cable has been out for the past week. Its been on and off for the past 2 months. I made a service call, they fixed it and it worked for exactly one day, and it went out again the next morning. It has even gotten to the point where I can pinpoint the day and the time it goes out. I can also pinpoint the day it comes back on.

So, the last draw was yesterday, even thought the Comcast people are usually very nice to me, I got a cunt. She was a straight up condescending ghetto ass cunt. See, since I'm in the south, comcast is somewhat of a monopoly here, so you can't really switch cable providers, but I was fed up. I asked her is there anyone on call who they can page to come fix my cable. She said none of the workers come in until Monday. I went into my usual spiel with I pay $95 a month for cable and its off more than its on. Its been fluctuating in and out for two months. She said, "Two months, huh, I thought you just said two weeks." Fucking bitch, that's not what I said. You see people, I usually don't go off on customer service people because they are subordinates and they know less about whats going on than the actual customer. If you're going to cuss someone out, cuss out the district or general managers. She didn't even listen to my complaints, after she got done I said, "Fuck you, I'm getting direct TV bitch."

Direct TV, is way, way less expensive than digital cable, they do provide service in my apartment current complex (although thats not what i was told), and much like when I moved to my apartment last year, I wonder why I didn't switch long time ago. I guess I have been paranoid since birth about making rash decisions, even down to being wary of switching cable providers. Why? It seems when I make a decision completely on my own, it totally goes to shit and my family rides me about it. Not that I should care, but its bad enough when know you do something stupid, but when you have 2 or 3 other people confirming your suspicions it drives you quite insane.

Oh, and where is it I want to move to again? Oh, yeah, clear across the country, right....

Desperate dot com part 2

You just knew it was going to be a part two, didn't ya

No, since my last post, it has not been my last visit to adult friend finder, I am shamed to admit. So since I believe my last experience has reached finality (is that a word?), I can talk about it with my head hung in shame.

I have not stopped reading the emails on the site, until one finally caught my attention. His profile went something like this:

I am a chill guy who usually goes out, but I am looking for someone to stay in with me. Going down on a girl is the best thing in the world to me, so if you can hang shoot me an email.

After a little investigative research by Addam and I, we found his profile on the face book and he was hella cute. I was going to leave it alone, but he gave me his yahoo screen name, and of course, I have a story to tell.

I was bored one night sitting in the house, going on about 2 months with no sex because I about had it with my former f.b. So I decided to talk to my dear chill guy to see what he was all about. We had actually a nice little two hour conversation on line, he was witty, funny, sexy and I was reluctantly intrigued.

So since its adult friend finder, he knew what he was there for, so the question came up. I played coy and said that I had company coming over and maybe later on in the week. He said we could meet, and we didn't have do anything. Of course, it was an obvious lie, but I appreciated the fact that he did lie. Then I offered to come over his house, and he kept making excuses for me not to. Which said to me, maybe he thought I was crazy. I though it was great, because if he was that paranoid about me being crazy, that means that he probably wasn't. So finally after a lot of dirty talk, I broke down and let him come over. I know..I know, it was stupid and a risk, but I did it and it was done, accept consequences later.

Fifteen minutes later, he was here, hot and reeking of axe effect.

Ten minutes after that, I officially became a slut.

Afterwards, it was weird, because he left me wanting more, but it was bad because its was adult friend finder, not the website you use to help search for your soulmate. I wasn't looking for any kind of friendship or companionship at all after that, just kind of hoping for a hookup on a regular basis. He played coy, and left.

I've talked to him online only a couple of times since then and I can tell by his attitude that he does this quite a bit, and its only going to be chalked up to a one night stand. Its cool, though. No regrets. But since I got burned, I am officially, officially, for real done with adult friend finder.

I hate Christmas

Yes, I hate Christmas, and for all you mother fuckers who think I am evil for hating Christmas, screw you. Labor day is my holiday.

Being the pessimist that I am, I have always felt that Christmas was rather anti-climatic. You wake up, you open the presents, you thank everyone, and you wait until its time to eat. I guess Hallmark and the malls build up Christmas to be this huge holiday, when in reality, unless your rich or 5 years old its kind of a letdown.

Yes, Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of the birth of Christ, but I heard somewhere that Jesus was actually born on the 28th of December. Yeah, its the season for giving and all that stuff, but when you're grown and have a job, do you ever get anything you really want? Engagement rings don't count because they're more trouble than what they're worth. I mean when you do get enagaged are you actually surprised or in the back of your mind are you going, "Yeah, it took your ass long enough."

In my 20's, I've have never actually had a good Christmas. I actually spend most of it waiting for it to be over so everything can go back to normal. Around this time of year, my mother turns obsessive-compulsive psycho cook and my father turns into distant aloof guy. I actually escaped this year and went to visit my sister up north and two things have immediately been brought to the forefront.

Its quiet up here. My sister and I are very different to say the least. Saying that we're like night and day would involve too much of a comparison because the sun and the moon share the same sky. Her and my brother-in-law can sit around in complete silence, no TV, no radio, no phone, nothing and sort of just be content doing what they do. I'm used to having people screaming in my ear all the time and not sitting still even when I'm off. Never noticed that before. Not until Christmas when was I made to stay in one place.

My family is weird. Most families who are a little on the eccentric side are crazy. They are crazy as in drunk crazy, or cousin who is a hoe crazy, or uncle who likes to fight crazy. My family is "wannabe bougie" crazy. They want so much to be seen as this cultured, dignified, almost snobbish people. But they're not, they are a little ghetto as well as country and they just can't accept that. I would love if people actually sat around drinking and arguing over sports instead of chit-chatting in silence about world affairs. My sister has always been the way she is so I can't hate on her for being herself, but to be honest if I wasn't her sister she would talk about me like a dog.

So in short I hate Christmas, well I have for at least the last 6 or 7 years. But I hope you all are having a very full day of food, loved ones and activites. I got around 5 more hours until this day is over and I will be able to start plotting my escape for next year.

Desperate dot com

I preface this by saying, that yes this a true story, and yes I am ashamed this has come to this point.

So my friend Addam is gay, and everyday he bitches about how he can't get a man or how he hasn't had sex in forever. Since's he gay, he of course has done a lot of meetings over the internet with or without much luck. So I suggest that he try using adult friend finder. The site that is advertised pretty heavily that "adults" use to find "friendship". Okay, okay, a fuck buddy. He joined it with the intention of actually sleeping with someone, that's unless he found someone cute, of course.

Well, the he checked the second day, and he even put his picture on, but only got two responses. When I told him, to be patient, his response was, "why don't you do it bitch. See what kind of responses you get."

So my profile was written as follows:

Wanted: fuck buddy: One hot female that knows how to manuever and perform on the highest sexual levels. I need a man with a good stick to handle this phat hot ass. R you the man, hit me up.

I got 10 hits the next day, without a single picture on my profile.

So you're probably thinking by now, that I just did this and left it be..nope. I have to play things out to have a story to tell. First of all, I must say that there are some sick people in this world, sick. And I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. Its amazing the sick things that people will put pictures of on the internet. So there was this one guy who seemed pretty harmless. His pictures were cute (although one was a picture of dick, but I'm not counting that one). So I talked to him online. Now I'm pretty good at feeling out crazy, so I ask the three basics: he's never been in the military, he just got out of a long term relationship, and he has a steady job. Check ,check, check.

I'm not going to lie. I have never had any relations with a white male before. So I figured it would be the quickest way, so why the hell not.

So I met him and first things first, he looked nothing like his picture. He was way, way skinnier than he was on his picture, and apparently he knows what he was doing with a camera because that picture was a great angle. Now I'm not saying he was ugly, but would you do the skinny guy from Road Trip and Hustle and Flow? Neither would I.

Now sadly, the most disturbing thing about this whole experience was not the fact that he wasn't cute. It was the fact that I had this underlying feeling the whole time that I was obligated to sleep with him. It was like the whole time, he was saying to me, "you know what I'm here for, you know you gotta fuck me, this is what you signed for." I mean, I did sign up for it, it was adult friend finder, not freaking cupid.com. It was disturbing.

No, I didn't have with him.

The next day, I text messaged him and told that this experience was way weirder than I thought it was going to be and I won't be able to go through with it. Too chicken shit to even talk to him. He called me back and I didn't answer. He was pissed. I could hear it in his voice. I actually felt bad, because I initiated the whole thing, I just couldn't be around somebody who I felt obligated to fuck.

So here I am single yet again, but he hasn't stopped calling me since.

Got--dammitt Sasha!!!

I don't know if any of you out there watch Miss Seventeen on MTV. (okay I'm probably the only one). Its a "reality show" about teenage girls competing to be on the cover of seventeen, ala "The Apprentice" for teenage girls. Its a really good concept actually and surprisingly entertaining show.

Well, we all know that reality shows are infamous for not putting black people in the best light...okay, they make us look ghetto, is that better? This one was no better, the first black girl, Leah got kicked off because the security cameras caught her talking about how she wanted to be famous off of this show. The second one, Ashley was fine at first, then completely lost her mind and starting acting ghetto as hell out nowhere and sent herself home. Then, there's Sasha.

I liked Sasha a lot. She was the only girl on that show with some sense. She was mature, she handled conflicts inside the house well, and she managed to go this long in the competition without her hair looking too tore up, sans weave (sniff, sniff). But you see, Sasha does spoken word. She likes doing it. A lot. She did it on the first episode of the show, then the third, then the fourth. And no, it wasn't different pieces of work, it was the same damn poem. It was like Sasha memorized her first spoken word piece ever, and she was so happy. So she liked to perform it every chance she got....and she did. A lot.

Well, they are down to the final three, there is pretty much no competition at this point, I think Sasha is going to win!!! There are never any black winners of any MTV reality shows, they never put black people on the cover of Seventeen (except for Beyonce and Ashanti, but they don't count) and to have a young black girl so far ahead of the competition was just a proud moment for me. But got-dammit Sasha!!!, you just couldn't resist doing that poem one more time did you?

It was obvious they were setting her up. When Sasha offered herself to perform in a room full of makeup people and a musician last week, they were prepping for the musician's show, but she had to show what she can do, she performed, even though nobody asked her to do so. Maybe she should have thought to herself that the producers would take that and run with it. And boy did they.

The girls had to work in the editior's office as assistants, and not only did she perform for an assistant editor's whose call she just fucked up, but she left a whole bunch of people on hold because a "slam poetry show coordinator" was on the phone and she felt the need to show off her skills. When I saw that, I just put my head in my hands. Even Atoosa Rubenstein, the editor who dismissed her, told her that she pretty much had the competition in the bag. I know you need to get your shine on, Sasha, but you were already shining, Sasha, so brightly. Why Sasha why?

As a result, we have dumb ass Jen and insecure Jessica left. Who low and behold, have to give a speech next week for their final task!! On top of being fake as hell, Jen can barely string two sentences together and Jessica wins a lot of challenges, but she's always freaking whining, "I can't do it...I don't have confidence.." Fake bitch. But I digress.

Sasha, I hope for your sake that you knew about the conspiracy that was going on, because you really disappointed me last night; I mean my heart hurt. And for God's sake, go learn another poem.

End of year stuff...

I hate the end of the year when your all reflective and shit. Its interesting to think about, but its really boring to read after a while. Hell, they're my thoughts and even I get bored reading them, so I'll make two quick short points and move on to something else.

1. My friend Addam told me yesterday that I'm proabably not going to get married and if i do, it will probably be for a short time. Depressing thing is, that I believe he's right.

2. I would rather sleep on the street and eat roaches rather than stay in my current places of employment for another year, A guy just got fired at my part-time because he stunk so bad too many people were going home sick. I shit you not.

I guess I'll talk about the grammy nominations....
I am a bit of a music snob. I'm as into music almost as much as I am into movies, so if my opinions seem a little strong, its because I have no life and there is nothing else to feel strongly about at the moment...except for porn, I'm really picky about that too...

Mariah Carey got nominated for 8, big surprise. The grammy's do this every year, they nominate the artist who is the hot shit for a bunch of awards, they put them in the same category as a legendary musician who you didn't even know released an album this year, and a bunch of other people who are also big selling artists for the year and the random old ass person wins.

Last year, it was Ray Charles, and this year Paul McCartney. Did anybody know or care that Paul McCartney released an album this year? I didn't. Did I give a shit? Nope. But he's going to win that Grammy I can tell you that. They did this to Mariah before you know. I believe Fantasy got about 8 or 9 nominations one year, and Joni Mitchell won. She didn't get shit. She'll win the R&B awards.

And Beyonce (hater alert), that bitch got nominated by herself, for that Wishing on a Star song, it was on the Roll Bounce soundtrack. I love how eonline says she has 6 nominations, but 5 of them are with Destiny's Child. Those other 2 just can't get break can they? (Look at me, 'the other two) just can't get a break can they? Random. Kanye, well, Kanye's attitude sucks, but he works hard, I said this before, but he needs to accept the fact he's going to only get rap grammy's, I know he's going to set the audtiorium on fire when he doesn't win, so start drawing the blueprint for your atomic bomb now, Kanye.

Kelly Clarkson was robbed I tell you, robbed!!! Bitch had 5 top ten singles, and she only got two nominations, bullshit ones at that. So was Madonna, I know she put out her album too late to be considered, but still had to give that album props. Damn you, Madonna, for making an album of songs I cannot freaking stop sing, damn you!!! Moving on..

I love Gwen Stefani, but Hollaback Girl, song of the year, and album of the year, nuh uh. I understand pop grammys, but for real ones? No.


John Legend is extremely talented, he should be nominated because he's the real deal. He's good, but I think his album's a little overrated.

Who am I forgetting, U2? meh, they won't win, they had their year two years ago.

2005 Most Fascinating People (the Real List)

I hate when that list comes out in magazine's and crap, it should be re-named people who made the most money. Tom Cruise? C'mon, crazy does not mean fascinating. Brad and Angelina, they're together because they're both crazy.

Honorable Mention up first:
Me.
I cannot believe I cannot been blogging for damn near a year. I have to thank Mr. Panama Jackson over there, before him I was just a girl with a dream....

This has been a emotionally trying year for me. I have pretty much been a pushover my whole life, and this year I have been constantly fighting, others and mostly myself to discover what kind of person I am; as well as accept it. My father finally broke it down for me over breakfast when I was crying and complaining about my lack of spine. He told me to stop freaking apologizing for who I am. I have never had to do that before; no one ever told me I needed to do it that's for damn sure. So I'm doing it and I think I'm a much better person for it.

Also, another big lesson I have learned:
Stop giving a shit what other people think!!!
I have to really give credit Attention whore at my part time job, who I have mentioned in this blog before. She looks like a drag queen. She's fat, she talks about herself all the time, and she got a new weave that makes her look like predator. Her two favorite topics of conversation is herself, and dogging out other people behind her back. This is seriously the only joy she gets out of her life, and she looks like a monster. I learned that these are the kind of people who don't like you or talk about you behind your back. People who literally have nothing else to do.


Last but not least:
My dad. I have always had a tummultous relationship with my family, to say the least, but my dad became a hero to me this year and that's something I thought I would never say. Thank god, for him, my sister, and modern temptress. As long as I got those three, I could give a flying speckled fuck about what anyone else thinks of me.

(Finally) Now the list!!!!

1. The Creators of South Park:
Still on the air, still writing about whatever the fuck they want, still pissing people off, still funny. The Trapped in the Closet episode is one of the funniest things I seen on televsion this year. They just don't give a shit, I admire that.

2. Kanye West
Kanye may not have the most humble attitude in the world, but I have to give credit where credit is due, he does not stand behind bullshit. He seems to work really hard. He couldn't even bring himself to read to prompter at the Telethon for Hurricane Katrina, because he knew it was flowery bullshit. And he said what everybody was thinking.

3. Paris Hilton
You can love her of hate her, but you cannot deny it. Paris is a global superstar. Everybody says she doesn't do anything for a living, but really she doesn't have to at this point does she? Love her or hate her, you be hard pressed to find someone who that when you mention her name, it doesn't illicit a strong reaction.

4. Oprah
Let's just be real, Oprah is the shit. She has this whole country kissing her ass. She even said that in the press that she did not buy Tom and Katie's relationship. All these little bitch ass celebrities walking around kiss Oprah's ass, because if Oprah doesn't endorse you, your shit is good ass done.

5. Madonna
That bitch had the single of the year this year. She's a bitch, but unlike other celebrities, she doesn't pretend she isn't. She has an excellent lighting team too, they make her look good. She needs to cool it with the over airbrushed magazine covers though.

6. My friend Addam
Random, I know, but he's one of those random people in my life who I believed showed up to test me. We've gotten into it a lot this year, but we've always forgiven each other and because of him, I can now admit somewhat proudly, Ew, I'm kind of a bitch...

7. My mom
My mom has tested me a lot this year to say the least. Don't get me wrong, we get along fine most of the time, but when she is pissed off its like a straight up shitstorm. But, she has taught me not to take everything so damn personally.

8. Ghetto Bitch at Work
This will be the last of the personal references, promise. I have metioned her here too. All I really got from her is that some mother fuckers are just straight up crazy.

9. He whose name I shall not mention
Okay I lied, last personal one I promise. Madonna said in her documentary, that the one you love is not going to be the agreeable lovey dovey type, he's going to be the one who pisses you off to no end, boy was she right. For real, I should hate this person, but for some strange reason he's been there for me and he's aware I'll be there for him. But yet, its still fucked up and dysfunctional as hell.. oh well, wouldn't be me if it wasn't.

10. Perez Hilton
The fucker who got me obsessed with celebrity blogs. He got famous this year, so did Trent.

11. Kristin Cavalleri
Laguna Beach was the shit this year, and don't even front and say it wasn't because of her. She has a confidence that can only be admired, and she as well never apologized for who she is.

Rules of attraction

I'm always writing ideas in my spare time, and one day I'm going to meet that wonderful publisher or producer who's going to hear my ideas and give me a lot of money and motivation to finally write that book or screenplay. One of the ideas that I have played with for a while is a new dating book. I know the last thing that needs to be on the market is a brand new dating rule book, and lord knows I'm the last person who needs to be giving advice.

But I can say with confidence, now, that I may not know the rule to getting one, but I can recoginze an asshole in a second. I want to save women from getting into these dyfunctional asshole relationships, and believe me I have plenty of experience to back it up. In other words, I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you what not to do.

This is only a very partial list of tips/rules/advice that I came up with, so here is some in no particular order.

1. Don't by any means ever date a man in the military (except for the air force).
Military men are crazy, I don't know why but they are, and I'm not talking about former military, I'm talking about current ones. No matter how normal they seem, something is always very off about them.

2. If a man asks you out on a date, pay attention to how he asks and what day he asks you.
If only asks to see you, with no particular place picked out; he wants ass. If he asks you out in the middle of the week, and he cannot wait until the weekend; he's crazy. Lunch dates on any day of the week, or night dates on the weekend are pretty safe. But if he is so desperate to see you again, that he just can't wait that long, run like the wind.

3. Never by any circumstances ever date a man who doesn't like sports.
My mom told me that one, and it is in fact true. There are actually some men out there who do not like sports, and they are really, really weird. Not gay, but weird; which in some cases is worse.

4. If you truly like or click with a man within the first meeting, he is usually involved with someone, just broke up with someone, or married.
Men who are involved or just got over being involved have nothing to prove, no games to play, and no risks to take. So most of the time they are at ease, and themselves when they talk to you.

5. Be wary of fineness.
Fine men make you do crazy things, say things you don't want to say, perform acts you don't want to perform, they'll make you think they're smart when they're in fact really stupid. Ladies, we are just like men in this aspect. This comes from that little teeny bit of insecurity that is prevalent in all of us. And think about it, which would you rather have happen, your friends thinking your man is an idiot or your friends thinking your man is ugly. Well, stupidity can be hidden by closing one's mouth; unattractiveness is head on. You make the call.

I don't have internet

Our internet is on the fritz at work. I am actually writing this on my parents computer. Have you ever tried to sit through an 8-hour office job with no internet. Pretty damn insufferable I must say. On top of that I'm sick, so this up coming week is not going to be a fun one.

Apexaphobia

I'm weird, I know this. But after today I realize I have a psychological conditon. I don't know the proper term for it. But I'll give my own name, lets call it Apexaphobia. What is this term mean do you ask? It means obsession of one's height.

What is the big deal about my height? I ask myself that every time I get out the tape measure, at 26-years-old, once a month. My whole life I have had this obsession with being tall, to the point where I lie about how tall I am, all the time. On a good day, I'm 5'7, on a bad one, about 5'6 and three quarters. That's a boring height, everybody's freaking 5'7. And other people do not help with this obsession because when they ask me my height, and I look them straight in the eye and tell them 5'8, they either believe me or disagree and tell me I look taller. I have long legs and big feet, so that tricks people. It also doesn't help that my sister who has been 5'11 and thin for as long as I can remember, and my family are always commenting on how tall and striking she is...bitch.

I believe it started with this video as well:




Remember that shit? I remember Janet standing in front of her dancers with her six-pack, looking tall and commanding attention. I distinctly remember telling my mother that when I grew up I wanted to be 5'7 just like Janet Jackson. Now that 5'7 had arrived, I realize should have asked for 5'9, and several years later I was crushed to find out Janet's only 5'4.

If you get into the boring psychological reasoning as to why I want to be tall, I deduced that people treat you differently when you're tall. Ugly men actually get somewhat of a pass if they are tall. You have to be tall to be a model. Strangers are amazed by tall people. Being tall has always seemed very elegant and very regal to me; no matter how attractive and unattractive the person is. When they stand up straight, they have an air about them that makes them seem slightly less trifling than the rest of us. You'll always get some sort of attention for being tall, if you don't get attention for anything else.

Adding to my neurosis, I think that inch that I grew when I came back from California is gone. I measured myself and I believe I finally made it to my apex of 5'8. I think its gone, I think I shrunk and I'm back to barely 5'7 again. I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend.

I'm so bored..my god I am so bored

You ever have one of those days at work, where you seriously cannot possibly believe that your this bored. Like, seriously, I'm bored a lot, but today I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I was this bored. I apologize for the topic of today's post but this is the best I can do with the sheer torture that I am faced with today.

Hmm, I haven't hated on Beyonce in a long time, I think its time for a refresher course.

I don't know if you all have seen Destiny's Child's new video, "Stand Up for Love". It is quite possibly the cheesiest thing I have ever seen. The song is the World Children's Day anthem, so its not like they can walk around in midriffs and shit. What bothers me the most about this video is the fact that they made Beyonce look like a straight up white girl. I don't mean really light skinned, I mean Caucasian persuasion for real.

Don't get me wrong, Beyonce is light. That whole scandal with Vanity Fair saying that they lightened her pictures is bull. You look at her early childhood photos, she is yellow. But there has never been a problem mistaking her for being a black woman. In this video, that is severely questioned. I think its the superstraight blonde hair, and that awful makeup. (Sorry about the bad screencap)


Continuing on with my Beyonce hating, you may be aware that she has a clothing line coming out. I saw her on TRL the other day and she was wearing one of the "creations". It was a denim dress and the top looked like a vest. It was some of the the kuntriest(yes with a k) shit I have ever seen. I can hear her mama whispering in her ear, "Baby this makes you look so purrty, you should wear this". For example:



I was looking for the gold hot pants and the Dolly Parton hair she wore last year, but I hated this shit too. A world of no.

Speaking of celebrity clothing lines, I really hate it when stars do that. Its so obvious that they're only doing it for the money. But you won't make any money if it doesn't sell, and it won't sell if your fans don't want to dress like you. I like Alicia Keys but I'm not wearing spray painted on jeans and have the real size of butt exposed to the world. Then wear heels, so it can look even bigger? Oh, hell no.

The only one who I understand a little bit is Gwen Stefani, because she used to make all her own clothes when No Doubt first got big. I get that. I even understand J-lo, because even though she's fallen off lately, when she was on point she was on point. Its just that the her clothing line looks cheap. She doesn't even wear that shit anymore.

Pharrell has one out, BAPE? I believe its called. He wears it alll the time because he's the only one who can afford it. He's trying so hard to make it catch on. Got Jay-Z wearing sweatshirts and everything. Pharrell, if we wanted to dress like you we would go to Wal-mart little boys section and get some shirts. Then we'd go to Foot Locker and get some converse. Now that I think about I already dress like you. I need some shopping money. Donations anyone?

Guessing Game

Can I say that I am utterly obessesed with Madonna's new song and video. I'm going through kind of a rough time right now, and its usually the stupidest, most insignificant things that manage to put a smile on your face. I heard this on the radio in the car, and it sounds nothing like that T-mobile commercial. I also heard snippets of the album, and I am currently trying to get my broken CD player in car fixed, just so that I can buy this album. I even watched that boring ass documentary that she had on MTV the other day. Its ridiculous. I need Jesus.

Continuing with the music theme. I give you three guesses as to who these singers are.


The one on the left may be the hardest one. I'll give you a hint. He used to have a unibrow...I believe that's all that needs to be said.

Oooh, I have dirt on him. The sister of a girl I met at the beauty shop is currently dating him. She sat right next to him at a football game recently and had the nerve to not only wear dark sunglasses, but slump down very low in his seat because he was really worried about being mobbed. No shit.

I used to LOOOVE the one the far right. I listened to his greatest hits album this very morning. Deep down inside, we always knew he was kinda gay, but I always chose to live in denial. I would have never pregged him for becoming a crackhead prostitute though (at least that's what I heard).

As for the one in middle, remember when Jodeci was really big and you and your friends used to call who you wanted to be with. Well, when DeVante and Dalvin were taken and you were stuck with the other two you and had to make up reasons why they look good. And by make up, I mean flat out boldface lie. For example, "I like Jo-Jo 'cause he got some sexy lips".....Did Jo-Jo have lips? I remember sunglasses, hat, and two black things that moved while he sang, but I don't remember actual lips...

I guess he still has a career. Surprisingly, him and his brother had a successful run. I swear, I am the only person on planet Earth who saw and remembers DeVante only solo video. It was and probably still is a trifling mess.