Oh no....

So the vicious cycle begins again. 5 and a half years running now. Same thing happened when we lived together earlier this year.

I hate him and myself for about a month for being so stupid for getting involved with this asshole. I cry to my friends, I cry in my sleep, and I have days that I just can't even work.

Then magically it disappears. I don't know if its because I start feeling better about myself, then start feeling better about my situation, or if I'm just a glutton for punishment, but I start getting infatuated again.

This time its a little different, we live together now, so a) My stupidity will be rubbed immediately in my face and b)it will be harder to avoid the situation at hand.

When you love someone, you don't just stop loving them. Its a fight. You have to constantly fight yourself and your feelings so you can move on. Its a battle that I have admittedly gotten a little cocky about over the last couple of days, but then comes this part, the part I forgot about...the relapse.

Didn't sleep with him, not a moron. That's a whole can of worms I would be opening up. But I wanted to. Why? Don't know. He's working his regular job again, and he's having stress, and trouble like a regular human being, and for the moment he's being reasonable, and seems truly sorry for blowing up at me last week. No women, at least in the house, for about 2 weeks now. In other words, he's being normal...for the time being. And its sweet. And I'm a fucking idiot.

Getting out of the lease can happen, but we'll lose a lot of money on the deposit, it looks like more and more that I will have to suck this up for another year. I've been strong so far.

Keep you posted.

Need Jesus.

So the Loverboy situation is worse than I thought.. And here is my state of mind right now. Here's a copy of the email I wrote to my best friend. I think it pretty much explains everything.

"Mike had another girl over last night. One just left Sunday night. After realizing that this is going to be a more regular occurence than I originally thought, I realized how much of an idiot I was. I realized that I've spent the last 5+ years of my life literally obseesed with this dude for absoultely no reason at all. All I've done is ignored it, suppressed it, and made excuses for it. And to think about that along with the daily train of females running in out of the house makes me sick. Also, the most startling realization was also that, that was me. I was one of those females, and I subconciously kept believing that I was the only one.
This is hard situation to deal with because he never promised me anything as far as a relationship, not even dating. So its really not fair to blame him.
This morning was hard. I haven't slept in about 2 days and I cannot stop crying because I blame myself for being so fucking stupid. Everything you have said about me making myself indespesable is absolutely correct. I'm trying to get through my days, but I know now I'm not going to magically stop hurting overnight. I'm trying though."

I'll be honest here and say I moved in with him for selfish reasons, and its totally kicking me in the ass now. I shouldn't have done it. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I should actually voice these concerns out loud, but I really don't know what do.

Any thoughts.

Kimmy

More Sorry....

I need internet at home!! I'll address a few topics really quickly and elaborate as needed at a later time.

1. Yes, loverboy and I are roomates. He's already brought a girl over, and I believe there is one coming over for the weekend. I'm dealing.

2. I'm really, really ready to move on. That's why I wanted to move in with him in the first place, so I can do so.

3. New job, so far is very quiet and calm. This is the first time ever that my worklife is calm, and my home life is chaotic.

4. Don't know if we'll be able to pay the rent this weekend. Hmmm.

5. Skin is 1000x times better.

6. Even though I left the bank, I came out of it with some new actual friends. That's a cool thing.

7. I believe I have an eating disorder. Just a tiny one.

8. I'm a lot more mellow now, having my own place and all. Still anxious, but I don't want to kill myself anymore from the stress.

9. As far as my roomate situation, I'm doing it for a reason, so I'll just pray, and things will come what may.

10. HBIC has not stopped talking about me since I left the house of Satan. I believe she was falling in love with me...

Miss you all!!

So, so, sorry..

Drama, drama, drama. Still in the thick of it.
To be continued...

WTF is wrong with me?

I've seriously felt like a crazy person for the last 4 or 5 days. I've been way more smart ass than usual. Very short tempered. Somewhat rude. Hardly any appetite. Just nuts.

I've narrowing it down to these reasons:
I'm not pregnant.Can't be. Let's move on.

Stress. The Loverboy apartment thing is really taking its toll on me mentally. I can't quite figure out why. Could it be I've been madly in love with this boy for 5 or 6 years, we're moving in together and its not romantically. Plus, there is this great apartment we're in the running for, and he's out of town still. Not his fault, family issues. But still just really bad timing. He doesn't even have internet access, so he can't fill out the rental information. I have to do it. Just like I have to do everything, lately.

I have to do everything. This is what happens when you're single in a big city. You have to handle your own business all the time. I mean all the time. With no partner. And its exhausting. This is the only time I really miss having a boyfriend. When there is no one there to pick out the apartment, chase down apartment managers, in between doing things like finding time to do laundry, do grocery shopping, cooking dinner, all in between a day off here and there with two jobs. And there's no one at home to offer to rub your feet, sit with ask how your day was. Just an empty house with no cable. I'm starting to cry as I write this so I think I hit a nerve somewhere.

Men So I met this guy who works at my store. He's new. He's a model/actor which is fine. Cute. He opened his mouth and completely turned me off. He was nice enough, seemed to be mentally competent and I believe he was in my age range. But he actually opened his mouth and said he only took this job so he can hang out with his friends, and he could give a shit about doing any work. His "friend" who works there is the biggest lazy bullshitter on the planet. So I turned and walked the other way when he wasn't looking. Between this one, and the guy who works at my job who cannot stop talking. I really can't help but to think I'm being to judgemental about guys. I can't even let myself try to lie someone anymore. I just don't trust it.

I don't know, I'm just so over everything. Just over it. Like I said in a previous post, I've never worked so hard in my life as I have here. I've gotten some happy breaks, thank god, and I am happy about them. But my extreme lack of personal life is really taking its toll.

The last days of the House of Satan

7 days and counting, then I get to bust out of hell. It doesn't seem real to tell you the truth. I got my offer letter for my new job in the mail yesterday and it kind of made it more real.

I'm trying to shake that feeling that I'm done, that I made it, that I'm finished. I have a strong sense of accomplishment right now, but truth be told I have a very long way to go. I bitched and bitched until I couldn't bitch anymore, but of course, as always, God puts you through things for a reason. Almost every circumstance to this point, the poverty, the anger, the living situation, the extreme fatigue, got me to finally believe I was better than my situation, and to continue to strive for what I feel I deserve.


The highlights:

-Dealing with the HBIC everyday, really hammered home the point that everyone that is not going to like me, for whatever reason and that's okay. I have me, and I would totally hang out with me. I seriously could give a shit what other people think about me anymore. I needed that.

-Since I was sitting here all day just answering phones, I got to read a lot (and I mean a lot), especially a lot of self-help books that gave me fantastic tips on how to change my mindset in order to achieve success.
(My favorite? Think and Grow Rich: A Black Choice by Dennis Kimbro. Great for all groups, not just blacks. I'm re-reading it now.)

-I get to work at the Grove, I used to read about it all day every day at my old job, now I work there. Its a pretty fascinating place, not necessarily the celebrity aspect, but the people watching aspect. I love that there are so many kinds of people who pass through. Something I'm not used to living in the country for so long.

-I learned the power personal affirmations. My therapist told me say them and I never did because I thought it was stupid. That shit works. Like gangbusters. I don't even use them that much anymore, because I don't want to lessen their power. I just kind of keep them in my arsenal.

-I lost a ton of weight because of the stress and I'm going to try my super damnest to keep it off.

As far as having the long way to go:

-There is that small acting career that I kind of moved out here for. I'm auditing classes, but since I've been in extreme survival mode, the passion has waned somewhat. There are a whole bunch of actors who work at my part time job, as well as come in to shop and to be honest, I'm still working there to keep my passion alive.

-My skin has suffered. No sleep and no eating has taken its toll.Its going through a transition period right now. But it hurts to talk about. We'll move on.

-I'm tired. All the time. I've never worked so hard in my life, mentally and physically as I have in the last 7 months. I sort of feel like, since I'm making more money now, I can relax a little. But I can't. I just can't.

Guess what....

I got an offer from an lawfirm that I interviewed with a month ago. I get to bust out of hell in two weeks.

Honestly, I'm happy yet I'm torn. Truth is I'm happy because I get to tell the house of satan fuck you about 2 months ahead of schedule. Sad, because since I'm so broke I have to push back my acting career on the backburner yet again.

Its bittersweet. Love that I have a real job. I can't do anything right now anyway, I have no headshots, no classes, nothing. That is going to take a while. Now I have to start from scratch and I can't do anything anyway. And I need the money. and the money is decent. I can sort of build up the nest egg. And I get to tell the bank fuck you, did I mention that already?

What do you all think?

Reflections......

Yes, I'm still in the house of satan. But I hope to bust out soon. I am sure I will be gone before the end of this year. But it still sucks.

I go to audit my first acting class tonight. I am terrified. Really nervous. I am aware its just an audit, I am just going to look at a class, but this is the first actual step that I have put towards my acting career in hmmm. About 1 and 3/4 years? Not counting moving across the country to pursue it of course. It so weird because this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. What I was born to do. And just actually being within an actual class with other actors working in the business is just unreal to me. I can't wrap my brain around it.

Oh yeah, I am moving into an apartment in less than a month. And as of now, yes I am moving in with Loverboy. I am in extremely, extremely deep denial. Because A) I haven't had my own place in a over a year, and B) Here you can't just move into a place, and say "do, do, do. I don't like it. I'm moving out blah, blah." Its such a huge committment as well as so much money that if you screw up something such as the location, or misreading something on the lease. You're fucked. For a while.

Also, adding to the terrifying aspect I am moving in with Loverboy. When I moved out here, my selfish mind would always hope we'd get closer, but moving in together? I didn't really see that happening. Its still strictly on a friendship level of couse. But I don't know. I have always been the type as to when I'm at home, I'm at home, I'm in my room, eating, watching my cable, leave me the fuck alone. Plus, he's nuts so he can't stay in the house. So as far as conflicts, I'm going to try to avoid it as much as possible. Just knowing I'm going to have my own space in california, another thing I can't really wrap my brain around.

These last seven months have been so trying for me, to say the least. It's still difficult. It feels like seven years. And sadly, I have it good compared to some people. But like the pastor said in church, God puts you through storms to mold you into a better person, and he give you the light when he feels you can truly appreciate it and he's damn sure done that for me. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard. Let's just say, I'm necessarily a completely different person persay, but I look at my attitude no compared to when I first got here seven months ago and I don't know who the fuck that person is.

I Never Meet Guys

Alright, so here's my annual bitch session about never having a boyfriend, taking on a new form.

You ever hear this before,
"Oh, I met this guy last night..."
"Oh, I was at the grocery store, and I met this guy..."
"Oh, I was out last night and I met this guy...."

Okay, I have never ever said that. Okay, I have said that, but I say that maybe once every hmm... 3 to 4 years? I don't understand how women even do it.

So I've been in LA for roughly seven months now, and this city is the relationship capital of the world. Especially working the mall where I work, I see couples coming in holding hands, the boyfriends dilligently waiting while the girlfriends try on clothes, and in some gross instances couples full on making out and groping each other in the middle of the store. Everyone is in a relationship here. Not that I'm bitter, just an observation.

Here's a startling admission. I really have no idea how to meet guys. At all. I know you're saying, "Oh its easy, you have a personality just go up and talk to them". Well, to be honest, I believe that hinders me better than helps me.

To clarify the previous statement, my friend Addam told me last year something that I resented very much at the time. He said, "I can see why someone like (insert random name here) has a boyfriend, because she's easy. She just is. You're not."

"What are trying to say Addam, am I too complex?"

"Not really complex persay, its just too much."

"What are trying to say, difficult? too smart? too neurotic, what?"

"Put it like this, no dude really wants to deal with all that."

Sadly, as retarded as this all sounds. I completely understand what he meant. And even more sadly, he's absolutely right. Right now, at this moment, I don't feel like I can be with anyone. Even the random occurences when I do meet a guy, and even more random when I meet one I actually like, its like when I open my mouth, its over.

Living here also, its also a hinderence the way I look. As I mentioned in earlier posts, the men are not too fond of the average sized full blooded black women here. And I'm about as average looking black woman as you can get. So unless he's a old non-English speaking Mexican man, or a really old white man with a slave fetish. I'm pretty much screwed.

My New Plan

It had to come to me, and it did so this is what I'm going to do.
I have some money, (this is why God told me to stay at the University for 5 years, sick time check, and retirement fund) its not a whole lot but enough to get me thinking. If I'm not gone from here by the time I move which is November, I'm putting in the two weeks. I'm really unhappy. I can't do anything, i'm totally trapped. I can't just leave when I need to in order to a i.e. look for a job I want, or pursue any sort of acting interest. This is why I moved here, and I think God giving me that money is trying to tell me something.

I'm not going to be rash, because its hard to find a job here. But your thoughts are a little clearer, when you have just a tad more financial stability.

Please give your thoughts.

Dealing with the drama...

Okay, so no new job prospects as of yet. Had an interview on Weds., but you know how employers are this day in age, i.e. "Oh, we liked her but there was another candidate who was taller than her who can reach shelves, so we're going to go with her." Oh, and also, my boss put a bullet in another internal interview I had here, because she felt that "one of her people" was getting stolen. I'm in hell.

HBIC wanted to bury the hatchet with me. She pulled a friend of mine aside from next door and told her so. Don't get me wrong. This truce has nothing to do with me, it had everything to do with the image that we were portraying around the office. (I.e. The white people were getting a kick out of the two blck girls fighting). It bothered her, but not me. I have realized in my short time here that people have something to say about everything you do, from your clothes to your hair, to the car you drive, so just let them say it. I also got to the point where I stop letting her childish shenangians bothering me. What helped the most was when I stopped talking about it. I noticed the more I stopped talking about it, the less angry I got, the more I stopped caring. To the point that if she was talking about me like a dog in front of my face, I did not care. I pulled her aside and I told her that whatever animosity that I have toward her is squashed as of this moment, and all I'm trying to do is go to work and come home. I also said I'm not interested in events that happened in the past because I feel its no point in discussing them. She said that she did not want to have flashbacks of the last receptionist to which I replied, please do not compare me to her because I'm not her. And that was that.

My cousin and her boyfriend are officially engaged now. No comment. I don't really fool with them too much anymore since the fight. I figured seeing them on only a limited basis is best. And my cousin got the hint that I don't want anything to do with their outside people anymore (i.e. The boyfriend's friends, parents). I'm just happy I got my point across.

Loverboy is still loverboy. Don't really know what to say about that just yet.

Oh, and the love of acting is slowly but surely coming back. I guess it never really went away, I just needed a kick in the butt. There is plan that is slowly evolving, but there are some factors that need to fall into place, like hmmm.. a new job.

I forgot I wanted to be an actress

If Loverboy wasn't good looking, he would be a scrub. This is fact. Let me just get that off my chest.

By some miracle of the lord, I got the day off yesterday. I had nothing to do so Loverboy and I decided to eat lunch. I'm not going to go in the trifiling sequence of events that happened yesterday, but let's just say it led me to that first sentence that I wrote.

Anyhoo. One the stops that we made is that he wanted to go to the SAG (screen actors guild) building to get a new card. But didn't just want to go, he wanted to explore it. Rather he wanted me to freak out because its the sag building. Actual actors walk around in here and handle their business. It's nothing but offices. He had a fit, because I was completely unimpressed by it. He said you been out here how long and you haven't taken one single class or one headshot, you forgot why you moved out here in the first place. To which I replied that you manage to take headshots every time to you get a paycheck, but you're homeless. Even though the argument itself is stupid as fuck, I see his point.

If you read this regularly, you all very well know how many times I have been beaten down and not being able to afford to eat. I have been through drama supreme ever since I've been out here. Its going to be awhile before I'm able to go full throttle in my career mainly because of poor planning on my part. In summation, it kind of hit me that I need more time to handle myself before any kind of career mentally and financially.

I still want more than anything in the whole world to be an actress. But in spite of everything, I feel ten times smarter about it now than I ever did before. I guess a lot of this was learned by watching loverboy and his struggles. He auditions all the time, but never books. He puts every ounce of his livelihood into his auditions. Auditioning is part of an actors' job. That's what you do, audition. Not that he won't book, but I believe that a lot of these casting directors look for someone who could care less if a person gets a part or not. I mean if you were a boss, would you hire someone who begged for a job? No, you would be suspect about said person wouldn't you? Whenever I hired a person on my last job who begged for it, they flaked out on me within the first month, or they act liked they owned the place when they got there. Because people don't beg really when they want a specific thing, they beg when they want anything. And I think that's the secret.

The Pick-up Artist

Anybody ever watch that show "The Pick-up Artist" on VH-1?

Very telling as to how fucked up women are in the sense that, when a man is practically begging to worship the ground they walk on, and they throw them away like its nothing. We are not attracted to that at all, at least most women aren't, and the leftover are constantly bitching about how we can't get a man.

There is a guy that works here. He's a temp, and basically an office bitch. He's asked me out numerous times, comes out from his desk every time he sees me, and changed his lunch schedule so he can eat with me.

The problems? He talks too much. I mean too fucking much, one of my big pet peeves. So much to the point where the last two mornings in a row, I had to find creative "nice" ways to tell him to shut up. Two, he's broke. I'm completely unmaterialistic, but I'm broke too. Two broke people does not a good relationship make. Even if we dated, we'll spend the whole time either talking about how broke we are, and ask to me to chip in for the date. Yes, that has happened to me before. Couple of times.

And you know what completely killed it for me? I was in the kitchen yesterday making coffee and he handed me his phone number on a piece of paper. Just here call me. Didn't even give me the time to wonder if I want it or not. Like seriously, whatever curiosity that I may have had about him just died right there. To be brutally honest, it just seemed desperate. I'm trying to change my whole way of thinking when it comes to dating, because of the lack of success I had in the past, but almost like the flaws become so overwhelming that I don't want to be bothered.

But yet I'm madly in love with most narcissistic, emotionally unavailable person on earth.

I was watching the pick-up artist yesterday, and their whole method of teaching has a lot to do with the fact that when you first meet a women you're whole persona should sort of say to the woman that you're not really interested in them. That you're here to have a good time, and if you meet a woman then whatever. The minute that the man or his body language gives away that they have zeroed in on their target, then we're done. We're not interested. In other words, we like the chase just as much as men.

I think about the men I have yearned for in the past, and with the exception of the fluke that was my ex-boyfriend, every single last one was emotionally unavailable. The entire time I messed with them, I had absolutely no earthly idea if they were into me or not. Loverboy is no different, he flings that yo-yo and snatches it right back up and holds it. 5 years running now.

I know it has something to do with being scared of relationships. I am deathly afraid of them, no lie. It has everything to with my parents fucked up relationship growing up, my cousin and her ticking time-bomb boyfriend now, and the awareness of my codependency and how it will play a part in my relationship.

For these reasons, and several others, I am cool by myself for now.

Slowly creeping along....

I've taken severly pro-active steps to getting out of hell, so I guess that's a good thing. I am contact with two headhunters right now, so hopefully something will loom on the horizon soon.(We'll start calling the black executive assistant, HBIC for time purposes.)

HBIC has been nice to me for the past two days. Freakishly so. She offered me two of her old suits as a peace offering, WTF? I know, I think its a bunch of bull and it will only last like 2 days, but you know what? I'm so tired of being pissed off literrally every single day, that I surrender. My white flag is waved. I won't be here forever, so fuck it. It's too much work avoiding people, and being an asshole to prove a point, so I will do my best to make nice from here on out. That's not a promise, though.

My cousin and her boyfriend seem to be doing better. I'm not going to really comment on that anymore, because whatever. I have my own drama.

The financial situation is inching along nicely. The second job has helped out immensely, mentally and physically. Its nice to actually be around people who are going through sort of the same thing you are, and its also nice to have something else to concentate on after I have my hell days here. I find myself not thinking about them as much, thus removing myself from the situations more. If you want to get techinical, I have three jobs because I babysit for Loverboy's roomate a couple of times a week. I even bought new shoes yesterday (what?). Don't get me wrong, I'm no where close to having moving out money, but with the retirement check coming in whenever it comes. There is definately light at the end of the tunnel.

Loverboy and I have decided we will get an apartment together. Yes, techinically its a bad idea but financially it just makes sense. He had a roomate who had trouble paying bills before and is still in debt because he paid all of the utilites, so I know he won't screw me on money. In fact, I believe he'll try to over control it. Financially speaking, I do trust him. As far as the girls coming in and out of the house, that's a small price I'll have to pay for cheaper rent because here, it's no punk.

Tired of being sick and tired

I'm tired of bitching about my job. Tired. Over it. All this shit that I have been stressing over is so stupid. Just freaking dumb.

If I was running a multi-million dollar production company, do you think I really need to care if my workers think I'm nice?

Does Tyler Perry worry about people saying he's gay?

Does Oprah give two shits about 50 cent saying she acts white?

Has Cathy Hughes (owner of radio one) even a given second thought to people who berate her for not hooking them up with for a job?

Does Tyra Banks even care about the endless barrage of insults that she endures on a daily basis even though they're well deserved?

Has Bill Gates even thought about how stupid people thought he was when he left Harvard?

The answer is a resounding no. These people I'm sure get shit every single day on a much deeper level. Think about the people who have the endure this who have to feed their kids or take care of a sick parent. People just get shit. Most of the time its for the dumbest reasons you can think of. You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. The only thing you have control over is your attitude towards it.

Right now, I don't consider myself the most confident of people, but my self-esteem isn't circling the toilet like it was. Right now, a lot of people do not like me here. My attitude before was more angry. Because I'm not an ass-kisser, I just became hellbent on not becoming an ass-kisser resulting in bitching all the time about how I refuse to conform. It was a selfish attitude, because I worried about them just as much as they worried about me. Over stupid shit.

I also need to stop letting the attitudes of others influence me so much. I need to stop comparing my situation to the plight of other people, to make me feel better. Its almost if I can get other people to say such and such is crazy, then I'll feel better that I'm not. Just have an epiphany as to how stupid it all is, block that shit out, and keep it moving. I won't be here forever. I don't have to deal with these people in my personal life. There are some really nice people here despite all the crap. This shit is nothing. Treat it like its nothing.

Escape from Hades. The End is Nearer than I Thought.

This post is to let you all know, I'm about to be let go from the job.
No, I haven't done anything wrong. No, I didn't cuss anybody out. No, strangely I didn't do anything wrong to my knowledge. I stopped talking to the black executive assistant. I saw what kind of person she was and I cut that shit off quick. I don't kiss her ass, and basically she wants me gone. Isn't that sad? She told me today that everything I say to her, she would talk to my boss. AKA If you piss me off again, if you fuck up, I'll tell you're boss so you're getting fired. I had no idea I had that kind of control over people. I also I knew that this day would come so I will be temping again soon.

God gave me that job at J-Crew because he knew the end was near. He gave me insurance immediately because he knew I needed it. He knew. He also probably knows how freaking prideful I am, how I would never quit on my own accord I would just take it because I needed the money and damn my self esteem. I have been bitching about this job every chance I get and its been 5 months. When a job takes over your soul like this, time to go. Last time, I was fired from a job it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me. I didn't think that at the time, it was the end of the world, but it was the same exact situation. I was unemployed for 2 months and then I got the job at the University, after 6 years, I had to make myself leave it.

Thank God for my friends, my sister, and my father. God has put some truly wonderful people in my life because I have a few people to call when I need help, and boy have they helped. I just hope that I get into a good enough financial position soon where I can return the favor.

Tumultuous Weekend/Day 6-Escape from Hades

I apologize in advance for the length on this post, but in all fairness this shit has happened in a span of 5 days. Its no wonder I have lost 12 pounds, and still counting.

Well, this has indeed been an interesting weekend. Where do I start.

My godmother called to tell me that I am hanging out with my cousin too much and I need to get a life. She said that her boyfriend was going to try to sleep with me and it was going cause a bad situation. She also said that I need to stop turning against my family. It was like my mother was speaking through a ventriloquist's dummy. That was Wednesday.

I called in sick on Thursday so I can go to orientation for Jcrew. I actually was very nervous because I never called in sick before, never had to. I just never had a job where I had to fake sick to get off for something. Its right across the street and if someone happened to be over on their lunch break and they spotted me, my ass was gone. So I wore a hat and sunglasses when I was walking in. Well worth the lie though, for a part time job in a mall, its 10.50 an hour plus benefits, the discount is unreal,after sixty days I get $200 worth of free merchandise, and I love the clothes. Am thinking seriously about quitting here to work full time there. That was Thursday.

I don't remember if I have spoken about the black executive assistant here who I couldn't figure out if I can stand or not. Well, long story short, she asked me to do to call her about something, I got busy doing something else to the point where I couldn't, she got an attitude, I got one right back, so she calls herself giving me the silent treatment. I had trouble figuring out whether I liked her or not anyway, because whenever we were "cool", when she did talk to me, it was always about her, her hair, her 40,000 car, her men, all about her. And you all know, if its one thing I cannot stand its a fucking self-involved attention whore. I guess this means good riddence. That was Friday.

I was over my cousin and her boyfriend's house this past weekend, like I am every weekend. I literally went outside to get groceries, when I came back the police we're there. In a nutshell, and I'm not making this up, my cousin answered his work cell phone because it wouldn't stop ringing, so it might have been an emergency. She told him this very fact, and he went ballistic. To the point where she called 911 on him. I was watching her daughter, trying to get outside to get out all the drama, when he calls me into the room. My cousin has taken his car keys and his ATM card because she doesn't want him to leave. He wants me to get them back. I try to leave, he closes the door. I am scared for her at this point because I know from experience when somebody is that crazy, there is nothing you can do, so I beg her to give him his keys so he can get the fuck out. Her name is on his car, so she refuses. He asks me to drive him to a motel. Keep in mind there is a 3-year child in the next room, who I am trying to keep out of this. I drive him to a hotel. Nothing happens, he is actually very considerate towards me the whole time. My cousin is a wreck, and I took care of her the rest of the weekend. That was Saturday.

Went to church, it was great. Realized that a lot of things in my life sort of slid downwards when I stopped going to church. My poor cousin, it was like the pastor was speaking to her. She is being strong, I offered to leave early, so she can have time to herself. That was Sunday.

Final thoughts? The boyfriend is unstable as hell. Not this first time he's gone off that way. It's easy to just say that I see it because I'm around so much, but the first time I ever met him, and came to visit them when they used to live in Indiana, he blew up like that. Its always over something trivial, always. Its easy to say I'm leaving when you don't have any kids together, but when you do and they actually love their father, its harder to say peace out. He's not going anywhere. I love my cousin dearly, she's the sweetest person in the world, but there is no way in hell I would be with someone who gets angry like that out of nowhere.

As far as the job stuff? I am praying for a better one as we speak. Even though I'm just a receptionist, the corporate world is not for me. I loathe it, and I feel in my gut the end is near whether I want it to be or not.

God this is long. I am so sorry.

Day 1 -- The Escape from Hades

I actually got to go home this weekend, thank god. It was great. I realize now exactly why it took me so long to leave in the first place. Because its easy. It's so easy.

Addam and I had this discussion when I went home. We're losers. I always talked about other people like dogs when I went home, how much of a loser they are and how they aren't doing anything with their lives. Without realizing all this time, that was me as well. I became a loser while I was there. Charging up credit cards, eating out 2 or 3 times a day, wearing literally nothing but khaki's, polo's, and flip flops every day, and not putting forth any effort whatsoever to become an adult. I kicked it for 6 years. And that's all that mattered.

Yeah, I hated it and I wanted to leave, but in retrospect I really didn't hate it all. I just hated myself for getting so damn complacent. Two bedroom apt. souped up cable, paid for car. Allowed myself to accept mediocrty from myself and others around me. Didn't want to leave. Why should I? I honestly could have lived like that for at least another 2 or 3 years.

The circumstances surrounding this trip were in turmoil becaus I had applied for a loan processor job here in the house of satan. I only did it for money, I had been here for a couple of months, I showed up on time everyday, I knew the job was trainable, and I already knew everyone. I thought what the harm? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Apparently they don't like me back there, they really have no reason to since I don't talk to them really, therein lying the problem i.e. I'm not one of them. The manager of the department is hmm...not my cup of tea. He's one of those boss types who likes to pretend that he's a nice person, make lame jokes with people and shit, but in reality is a huge asshole. For me, if you're going to be an asshole, be an asshole. At least, I'll have a chance to get used to it. He told me during an interview, that he didn't care if I was a superstar, no matter how well I did my job,if I didn't fit in then I wouldn't last very long.And I need to dress older. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of my time here in the Satan house. Life has been hell here ever since. If I got that job, I couldn't go home for Daddy's reunion, and I called him crying when I told him. I've never not wanted a job so bad in my whole life. I prayed that it wasn't offered to me so I can get to go home, because it killed me to let my father down. God is always right on time.

Also, I got a part-time job that I so desperately need, but thanks to the asshole people nature of LA, the HR manager refuses to do orientation on the weekends or during evening hours so I have to call in on Thurs. (convincigly) so I can go to work at my other job.

So what's my plan of action? The financial situation is still bleak, but depending on how this week goes, there will be relief soon. With some extra income coming in, I should be out of the room for rent in about 2 - 3 months. Having my own place with cable tv, even if its a shack, would make a huge difference. And I have some tricks up my sleeves for busting out of hell too.

Keep you posted.

More mis-adventures at the club

So yes, here's another episode of my mis-adventures at to the club. For you few who have not read my musings before, I hate going to the club. But at the same time, I'm fascinated because its something new every single time I go.

I went to the club in Long Beach with my cousin, her boyfriend, his best friend and his wife. The boyfriend's BFF and his wife got into a huge argument while waiting for us and there was tension between them all night. My cousin got upset that some girl was sexy dancing in front of her man, and kept sitting next to him accidently, so she proceeded to slob him down in front of him and almost got into a fight with the girl. Which further supports my theory as to why couples should not go to the club together, it's asking for trouble.

The music was boring, there were all old people there, and there were absolutely no single attractive men under the age of 40. I take that back, no single attractive men at all.

Here's an interesting tidbit. Not a single black male approached me all night, not one. Not unusual for LA, they don't like us here. The random drunk person who decides I'm the one for him and decides to fixate on me all night was white (ghetto white boy), said that he was here with 4 black guys and they all refuse to mess with black girls. Too much drama, he says. Its weird. Keep in mind there are these are not the creme de la creme of black men, their old, overweight, wearing T-shirts and air force ones to the club, they avoided, me, my cousin, and the wife like the plague, and we were sitting by ourselves the whole night. It sucked.

And I am no longer in the wedding that I promised to be in, thank God. Long stupid ass story short, the bride's sister aka maid of honor tried very poorly to hit on my cousin's boyfriend (and yes, she knew they were together) thus her not being in the wedding and me following suit. Tried to get my deposit back on my bridesmaid's dress, manger saying no refunds on deposits, leading to the ugliest cuss that I have unloaded on a person in a very long time.

I'm over Loverboy, said it before I didn't believe myself until now. Without going into ugly ass detail, he basically proved point blank that he wants nothing to do with me romantically, and I am suprisingly okay. Like really okay.

And this now is going to be my solemn vow, I will never, ever, ever do something, in my gut that feels wrong ever, ever, again.

Weirdo

So I've come to this conclusion recently. Yes, I'm a weirdo. I've actually come to terms with it. Most people who come into contact with me are going to think I am weird. It's okay. The reason I have recently accepted this is because I have moved to another state, started over with different people, and I have still gotten the label that has plagued me ever since grammar school. Weirdo....

Let me clarify this first of all, I don't think I'm weird. At all. My best friend since high school does not understand why people who went to school with us have always thought I was weird. My cousin who has known me my entire life, says I've always been weird. But she has always known it and accepted it. Most of my friends who I have met later in life are gay men, most people would probably think think that's weird. But I don't, I think its just fine.

In light of recent events, most people are stupid. All of you all probably have figured this out already. This is just my first time actually saying it out loud. Thank the lord, I have gone through enough crap in my life to not be like this. They're very banal, revolve their lives around the dumbest shit, and can pontificate for the longest amount of time about events that I didn't know you can describe for more that two sentences.

For the record here's a short list of why people think I'm weird,
(For lengths sake, I'll keep the explanations to a minimum)

1. I'm quiet.-Some people just don't talk a lot. I'm one of those people. Mostly I don't talk about myself very much. I didn't know you were supposed to.

2.I don't react to people.-I swear, you can sit there and tell me what you may think is the funniest joke in the whole world, if I don't think its funny I will look at you with straight stoneface and not even fake laugh. I think it pisses people off that they can't really get a read on me.

3.I don't talk about myself-Most of the time, with most people, I can't get a word in edgewise. I just think facets of your personality are something your friends or people who want to get to know you should discover on their own, not something you should blab about nonstop.

4.I'm smart-Upon meeting me for the first time, you'd probably think I was dumb, because I don't go around advertising it like some folks. Sometimes I see it as a character flaw, because I don't strive to work for Microsoft or something. But it's given me shit my whole life.

5.I'm self-aware-The gay boy(I promise to write about that one day) breaking up with me 5 years ago ended up being probably the best thing that ever happened to me because I sure as hell wouldn't be the person writing this blog. I don't care whether you're friends with me or not, I'm totally okay with being by myself. For example, the new season of Psych starts tonight on USA and the only way I'll miss that is if I see Harry Potter. That makes me glow.

Honorable mention: I like Harry Potter, would never date a thug, can talk for hours on end about acne and Shia Labeouf, don't even get me started on the movie dorkiness I can discuss them all the way down to art direction and plot holes.

Does all this seem weird to you?