This is bad

I'm working on getting a laptop by Christmas, so that I may update and watch law and order reruns at the same time, because this is definitely posing a problem.

Real quick, because this is only a warmup.

I did get asked out, but it was really awkward. By someone I work with, but I think dating him would be bad idea. I lied and said I had to work.

I'm really getting sick of turning guys down, maybe it's my own neurosis, but the guys are just never right. I never like them like that. I don't know what's wrong.

Anyway, all warmed up, more (coherent) babbling to continue soon.

I asked someone out

This week I promise I get on a writing schedule because I'm getting way too relaxed with the time between posts, fucking ridiculous.

Yes, I did asked someone out. I won't say who, but I have mentioned him on this blog before, and no, not very much. I won't say who it is because the end result is way too embarrasing. But I write this to provide a lesson to you all in the power of rejection.

So there is this certain someone I know who I have known for a while, whom I think is really nice, has shown me nothing but the utmost respect, and who I would like to get to know on a deeper level on a personal basis, whether it be friendship wise or not. I also knew he would never ask me out, so I asked him. I promised lunch at first, but I had a hair appointment that morning, so I was hoping I that I can make it an early dinner. We had been talking off an on for the last couple of weeks, so he knew about the lunch but I never really had the time set aside to asking him, until now.

I texted:
"Hey, I have some errands to run, would you be up for dinner instead of lunch."

His response:
"I have to look into it. I'll let you know as soon as possible".

This was 5 days ago.

Do you think he turned me down? Of course, he did. But, let me tell you why. Because I know. First of all, I was/am in a very vulnerable place right now. I recently realized that my personal life is a mess, in the sense that I don't really have one. So I am doing what I always do and am trying to fix it all by myself. Too put it nicely, it's not working out very well. He probably sense the desperation in the text.

Second, he just got out of a relationship and he's trying to get back with the ex-girlfriend. Has been for a while. You know how it is when someone dumps you, and they still give you a life jacket to try to win them back. I'm pretty sure he's on that tugboat.

Third, I'm pretty sure that's he intimidated by me. Sadly, most men are extremely intimated by women with no kids, no drama, and good jobs. Not all, but most. They feel they have to constantly be on their toes and keep, when in reality they really want to run the show no questions asked. Throw in a certain level of attractiveness from the woman, then forget it. They know you'll leave their ass if they fuck up, and frankly they don't want to take that risk. Now, I'm not saying that he's scared of me because I'm so hot, but I'm sure he knows he would have to be on his toes in order to date me.

I was debating about texting him and finding out if he forgot. But for what? If he wanted to go he would have remembered, or would have least given me a straight forward answer. Whatever. It'll happen when it happens. I think.

Married People Problems

Sometimes honestly I am really okay with being single, but there are time when I really hate it. I mean hate it. Today I had one of those times. I went to lunch with 2 of my 4 bosses today. Both married and young. One the husband's actually showed up and him and his wife we're literally eating off each other's plates. I would stab a bitch before I let my husband eat off my plate. The conversation went a little something like this.

Here is them talking about their summer plans.

"Oh, did you book that hotel in Hawaii that we recommended to you?"
"We sure did. We're going at the end of October."
"You'll love it, we stay there about twice a year."
"So excited."
"We're going to actually do a backpacking trip this year, Yosemite I think. Or Mexico. We're still deciding. We're really over Hawaii, we're always there."

If it one thing that's worse than your single ass being at a table full of married couples, it's being at a table with young married couples with money.

Here's the conversation I had with my girlfriend last night about a dude she just met on the internet.

"You might like him. He seems fine."
"You said that about the last one, and you see what happened there."
"If he wasn't crazy, you would still be together."
"He's very open about sex, I'm a little scared that he'll want to do it too quick when I meet him."
"Girl, please bring cash and drive. And leave when he's in the bathroom just in case he's psycho."
"I always do."

Ugh. F-- my life. Why does society equate a woman who is single with being a loser? This is why. Because the ones who are left who are single, have to deal with the leftover riff raff. Who on earth would admire people who deal with that?

To be honest, I felt bad for them. I know they walked away thinking, "Oh my God I feel so bad for her. She's broke and she's single. I should have told my husband to stop talking so much, it probably made her feel bad."

No, honey. What makes me feel bad is the fact that you think everyone's rich and happy, and I am really jealous that you are able to build such a big bubble like that. Mine always gets burst, quickly. The world is a really harsh place. Maybe I'm here to burst yours. You're always looking at me like I'm crazy anyway.

Anyway, to my girlfriend. I hope this works out for her. I am scheduled to start internet dating the third week of August. Yes, I actually have to set t a time for myself to do it, because I'm a scaredy cat asshole.

The saga continues....

Shortest Post Ever....

So I had a date.

Well kind of a date.

Co-worker from new job as me to lunch.

Didn't want to go, went anyway. Because....hmmm...free lunch.

Ordered food.

Downed 2 coronas, then look like he wanted a third.

He was, eh, kind of ghetto.

Story of my life.

The end.

The Women are so Fabulous at Church

They really are.

I may or may not have mentioned before that I attend a very large church. It's on the rather "hood" side of town, but it's still very "hollywood" none the less. Now, I'm not saying it's okay to look like you just rolled out of bed to go to church, but if you do... you deserve to get the side eye as well because it's kind of disrespectful. Get dressed, it's church. And then you have the people who take a full step farther than just getting dressed. I'm talking about the club clothes. The tight, tight dresses, the late arrival/slow walk down the aisle, and my personal favorite, the false eyelashes. False eyelashes and tight club dresses, and slow walk. Do you really need to be seen that badly?

I say all that to say, I use this analogy to further illustrate my fascination of people who want be seen.

The therapy textbook 101 clearly states that these women/people/drag queens clearly did not get attention at home or as a child so now they're trying to overcompensate. True, or in my experience, not true. They get plenty of attention as home. They start unnecessary fights with their significant others to get attention, they participate in drama with their family and friends to get attention, they talk about their kids solely to get attention. I mean their whole life is completely about them and the attention they receive. But that's just my experience. Thanks, Mom.

I am attention whore to a certain extent just like everyone else. But my attention whorey-ness, has been geared toward someone giving me connections to get me further in my career. The nails, the hair, the workouts, the makeup, all to get approached by the right person to get me from a to b. Also, not to attract A man, but to attract the right one. This whole caring about my appearance thing is still a work in progress though. Very slow progress.

Getting back to church, there's a girl/woman who walks in every Sunday, who to put it nicely, is not a petite woman. She wears either very light weight knit dresses with thong or very tight low cut jeans to the service. Also with a thong. How do I know she always wears a thong? Well I said she's not small and the dresses are lightweight so, 1 + 1 = 2. She sits in front on me and it's so distracting because she always comes in late and sits right in front of me and gets up and goes to the bathroom at least once during the sermon. Her dental floss string butt covering my view of altar. And yes, there are false eyelashes, too.

I hate false eyelashes, if you haven't picked that up yet. I would say why but I will go on a tangent about that on another day because I am sure it will relate to another post in some way shape or form.

I Remember...

I remember back in the day, when I thought somebody was cute. I told them, right then and there. No rhyme reason or pretense. When they felt the same way, I attacked with about the same amount of discretion as a dog in heat. Now when a guy...excuse me...cute, normal looking guy with seemingly non-ambiguous sexuality, I wonder if he thinking, "wow, her hips are really wide, how does she find pants?"
I wouldn't even call it confidence per say, it's just what you did.

Now I think when you get a little older. Men see you of two ways. Either dateable/marriage material or umm, how can I say this...not. I believe that most women are born with just enough personality and feminity to always attract men and have them stay around for a while. Looks are not a factor in this formula. I've seen plenty of...erm, unconventional looking women..who always manage to be in a relationship and always have the upper hand. Bitches are included in this scenario, too. They always have a man,

Then there are the others. The undateables. The ones who upon sight have nothing physically wrong, or even nothing mentally wrong, but no guy will touch them with a ten foot pole because they just give off a certain vibe. My best friend says their losers. I think that's a little harsh. I just think that...hmmm...I really don't know how to categorize it.

I, myself, am beginning to believe I fall into the undateable category. Not because I have trouble meeting men, I just meet the wrong ones (please refer to the ambiguously gay post prior to this one.), the right ones just never seem to be attracted to me at all. And if I did manage to meet one, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't stick around and watch all the wonderful gay friends joining in to celebrate our lives with us. I mean, it will seriously take a strong hunk of man to sit through the gay pride parade to happens in my life every weekend.

So we'll see. I met a guy on Sunday who I gave my number to who I had no interest in talking to at all. I blame this on the fact that I don't have time, but it's bull shit. I do this a lot. I just don't want to waste my time unless it's somebody who I really want to call me. Anyhoo, I saw him at the gym today and gave me serious stank eye, I didn't figure out who he was until I was almost at home.

I going to try not to be alone forever. I promise.

Every Man in Los Angeles is a Fucking Douchebag.

It's true. They are.

I will elaborate.

I went bar hopping with my friend Vanessa on Saturday. I have at this point completely given up of meeting guys when I go out because they are not really interested in meeting women. They are not even interested in having one night stands, that would even be plausible. Single men in LA only like attention, and that's pretty much it.

The first bar we went to, me and my girlfriend were talking and some guy taps me on my shoulder and asks me what I'm drinking. He's clearly gay. I say margarita. He's drunk, and keeps talking as if maybe he might kind of be hitting on me. But never really makes it perfectly clear. Once again, gay. He rubs up against me, I confirm with my friend that homeboy is gay. I'm confused. No, not really. He's gay. And wasted. My girlfriend gets up and goes to the bathroom, he sits on the stool next to me and starts chatting. My friend comes back he asks us to join the party that's he's with so we can get free drinks. We get up...he runs off...we sit back down.

Another man with ambiguous sexuality comes up. We're about to leave, and we ask does he want our seats. He says no. Now the way LA clubs work in my opinion, it's either a bar where nothing but black people frequent, or not many black people at all. So it's not really a surprise to me anymore that if I go to a club and I'm the only black woman there. Ambiguous, wearing a shirt that says Santa Monica, looks dead at me and says, "Is this Little Ethopia?, You don't look Ethiopean."

Let's go.

We head to bar called the dime. It's packed. While making our way to the bar, I see a really cute dude who I intend to flirt with. After almost getting into a fight with a girl at the bar we sit down, and I asked his friend who looks and sounds a lot like Mike Tyson where he went. Friend took this as his in to proceed to tell me the hard road he's traveled in life. But he says it in a very Mike Tyson-ish way.
Cutie Pie sits back down.

Me: "So what part of LA do you live."
Cutie: "Nicholls Canyon."
Me: "Where?"
Cutie: "Nicholls Canyon, like LMFAO are my neighbors. Wanna see my pictures with Paris? We're friends."

Okay, let's go.

The last bar we hit included a drunken conspiracy theorist who wouldn't leave us alone, a model (who left early), and the worst corned beef hash I've ever eaten in my life.

I hope none of you are planning on moving here.

I Go to the Movies By Myself

I go the movies by myself, quite a bit. According to my best friend this is unusual, but I never really had a problem with it. I went to see X-men first class, yesterday (awesome, by the way) because I couldn't find any one to go see it with me, so I just went. Whenever I have a full day to myself, my favorite thing to do is to buy a ticket online, buy a hot dog, nachos, and an icee (and sometimes milk duds), pig out and go see a movie. My best friend thinks this is strange. Not strange in the way that is a unusual human behavior, but strange in the way that this ritual is the way I sort of celebrate my own alone-ness. A man friend told me once that a movie date is considered a romantic thing.... Really?

Are the movies really supposed to be considered a romantic thing?
I'm not sure, I've done quite a few unromantic things to men in movies.

And yes, the movies are full of couples, but I really don't understand it. Still at 32. Maybe I will eventually.

It's another thing to go to dinner by myself. That's sad, I am not doing that. That is just a spotlight highlighting your beacon of lonlieness. I mean you really get to know someone at dinner, their eating habits, what they like to eat, or the absolute make or break for me which is how well they tip. Bad tipper, no go. Plus, no restaurant in the world is that damn good that I would actually sit down and eat there alone with a room full of people, where instead I can just get it to go.

Most Non-Dating Single Person Ever

Sorry I haven't written very much. I know that this is supposed to be a dating blog, and I was really excited about the idea at first. The excitement quickly wanes when you realize that there is no material for you to write about. No experiences to draw on really to draw on to give invaluable, life changing advice. No men who really speak to you or pay attention to you. You know, the small things.

Here's an idea that you all can discuss amongst yourselves. Is it wrong that I stopped caring and stopped trying? Not necessarily in a give up on life sort of way, but more so in a it happens when it happens sort of way.
I'll give you just a little background. I've recently achieved a high state of clarity in a couple of weeks as far as my "personal" and professional life, and I have decided to surrender to my own epiphanies.

I don't know if I've ever talked about a co-worker that I had a crush on. Well, at least the one I thought I had a crush on. Anyway, I have to work very closely with this guy roughly for the last year and half. I thought he was the nicest, sweetest, guy ever, but he had a girlfriend. I knew that they were having problems, and I thought maybe, when they finally broke up that he would realize that I was the one that he wanted to be with all along and we would be together and ride off into the sunset.

Yeah, I was delusional as hell with that one.

I really have this bad habit of wanting people to like me who I don't necessarily like. He must lust for me in dreams at night all while I don't really give a shit about them one way or another. It's very narcissistic and self-involved, but it's such a boost to the ego.

This was the case with him.

Yeah, he has good qualities. But honestly I don't see myself waiting by the phone on baited breath for him to call me. He's funny, but he's not funny in the way that it plays off people. He's more "me, me, me, look at me" funny. Not cute, and gets old. He's short and kind of fat. I don't mind when guys are out of shape, but there are qualifications on that. If you're out of shape it needs to bother you a little bit, or because you're so busy focusing on other wonderful, meaningful things that you neglect things like your weight. Strive to be the best possible you. Basically if you're fat and say, "fuck it, I'm just big." I hate that.

He wouldn't be down with my sometime diva girl ways. At all. And he would hate my friends. He kind of talks at me and doesn't really have any interest in getting to know me on a personal level outside of work. I can go on.

I came to this conclusion when he actually broke up with girlfriend a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't care. Oh, yeah, and I'm leaving that job in two weeks. Still don't care.

Yeah, and I got a new job. Got off my ass, prayed, and got a new job. and I'm writing again, as evidenced here.

As far as dating goes, I saw someone I knew get dressed up to go out on date the other day. She seemed like she was going to have fun.

I'm so pathetic.

Dating in Los Angeles

It sucks. For me at least. And my friend. Let's call her Tammy.

Tammy and I have been friends for a couple of years now. She's in her early 30's like myself. She's blonde, petite, smart, very outgoing. And she has never had a boyfriend. At least for more than 5 months. She's originally from northern California and she's basically lived here since college. No boyfriend. All of her friends, (besides me of course) are all in relationships or married. They have even tried to fix her up with some of their friends. Nothing. We've been out to bars together several times. No one approaches us and when we talk to them... tumbleweeds.

Speaking of bars. Every time I go out in LA, everybody who comes in already knows each other, so there's really no mingling really. It's the same groups who come in together, stick together, and leave together. The guys may smile at you while their going up to get their drink, then they run back to their girlfriends. Who are hanging on to the bottom of their leg.

I say all this to say this. Everybody in LA is in these ridiculous long term relationships. I say ridiculous because some of the people who I see in long term relationships are quite ridiculous. Imagine seeing the weirdest sketchball guy ever in a department store, shopping, drueling at the mouth and you are totally afraid to go near him. He starts coming near you to ask you a question and you fear for your life. Now imagine yourself backing away and then his cute perfectly normal girlfriend comes upstairs and plants one straight on the mouth and they soon share a loving embrace, making you instantly wonder... what the hell did you wrong with your life?

Tammy and I always have this discussion when we go out. It's not necessarily about love. Love is a long shot. But we really cannot figure out what's wrong. We do not know why that we are the in-between relationship girl. The girl he needs to pass the time. Not the girl that the dude will eventually go running back to, but she won't take him back because she dumped him and has found someone better. We're the fun girl. We're also never the only girl.

I have a co-worker that just broke up with his girlfriend. I don't even think I like him, but yet I thought about pouncing on him solely because it's such a anomaly that he's single man.

Anyway, there will be a part two to this. I have more.

Anyway, there will be a part two to this.

The Boyfriend Girls

Oh, the ninth wonder of the world known as boyfriend girls. How I am forever fascinated by the boyfriend girls. I am surprised no one has written a damn song about the boyfriend girls. But maybe after this somebody will. I won't because I hate them. All.

What's a boyfriend girl?
A boyfriend girl is a girl that you either know or are associated with who is always in a relationship. You have no memory as to when she was not in relationship. One ends, there is always another poor soul waiting to pick up that slack. The guys they choose are always completely obsessed with them. They are usually characterized by the following traits: super prissy, often punctuating conversations with stories about their boyfriend, having no idea what it means to actually date or meet guys in a bar, never being worried or stressed due to the sex their having everyday, and the idea of having a "girls night out" being a science experiment to them.

May I present exhibit A:

She was born to have a boyfriend. When she broke up with Reggie Bush on her damn show all she did was whine about she's the single one and how weird it was for her. She also seems super uptight because she's completely uncomfortable making a fool of herself because she's never had to really develop a personality before. She just relied on the guy she was with to have one.

I, personally, am fascinated by these species of women for several reasons. I am fascinated by the fact that these boyfriend girls have the talent to sniff out the only decent, gainfully employed, available men on the planet and manage to make said men completely fall in love with them. And when the girl is ready to move on, they dump their men unceremoniously and completely ruin their self esteem. Resulting in turning these once great, ready for marriage, dependable, happy guys into woman hating players. These women either are born with or are taught the knowledge of how to get the man they want and how to make sure he will never get over them.

What is a non-boyfriend girl?
I am the opposite of a boyfriend girl. I believe at this point in my life, I am way, way too comfortable being by myself because I've done it for so long. I also, have quite a few friends, (classic trait of the non-boyfriend girl), so I have people in my life now who I can depend on if I really need them. Tricking myself into eliminating a need for a man in the process. Men like independent women, but you can only be independent to a certain extent. You have to really want that guy in your life.

Being a boyfriend girl isn't about looks. I know or know of a couple of women who aren't "conventionally" beautiful, who have completely ruined some men's lives. You may even say they were just really confident women. It's not always about confidence either, some may have been confident about what to do in their relationships, but not really much else outside of that. I truly just think you have it or you don't. You attract often or you attract less often. I also believe those books about flirting and sending signals are all a bunch of bullshit. They're just not enough single men out there to have a happy ending that way. Just basing that on numbers alone.

So if you're single right now and are interested in using your feminine wiles to attract your dream guy. Prepare to either be a home wrecker or a bedpost notch. Because that boyfriend girl he's got at home, is not letting him go out without a tracking device. Go for the nice guy that you don't really think is all that hot but is soo sweet, or the nice mailman who complements you everyday, or just be slut, guys like that too.

We Used to Deal...

Ever heard of this term, ever used this term before? You probably have and didn't know it, so let me inform you or refresh your memory.

I believe that this term varies for different ethnicities. White people would probably universally rephrase this term as "we dated". Even if this term does not technically mean date, even if they just screwed and hung out, they say date. When they say this is my ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, this is usually a more definitive term of the relationship. We, of the minority persuasion, if we used to "see" a particular person, or screw said person for a period time, in either our past and our present, we usually use the term: "I deal with her/We used to deal". To put it more clearly, seeing someone of the opposite sex without it ever getting to relationship status.

How in the world does this happen that you end up "dealing" with somebody? Well, it's easy really. The most common example is if you meet someone that you're only sexually attracted to, not mentally attracted to. Another reason is if you meet someone who you are both mentally and sexually attracted to, but for some reason whether it's your fault or the others' fault, you never actually end up getting together. Affairs are the most popular example of this.

Some of you would never ever settle for "dealing" with somebody. It's all or nothing for you. That's great, stay that way. For the rest of us, there are some bumps in the road. I'll take myself for example, I dealt with someone off and on for 8 years. And I dated other people in between. Nasty, huh? Well, I am guilty of the second reason listed above. We'll call it an affair. Truth be told, I made it way more complicated than it had to be because of the feelings on my end, and talked myself out of a lot of relationships in the mean time. But when the relationships didn't work out, I never really let myself heal because he was always there being my psuedo-boyfriend. I also "dealt" with those other guys to make him jealous. Not good.

I met this lady who is my hairdresser's client. She is 46 and a successful HR manager with no children. She's never had a real relationship, any man she dated only "dealt" with her. In fact, the man that she said she was in love with informed her he was in love with someone else. A drug addict in fact. He recently called 46, so she can help his new woman get a job so she can get her life back on track. He said he didn't understand why she was so upset since he was never actually her boyfriend. She was clearly devastated when she was telling this story, and her story has officially become my worst nightmare.

I've "dealt with" a lot of people in my life. This is because of a combination of commitment issues, low self-esteem, and just plain old not knowing what I want. Now that I'm in my 30's, I realize now that there's actually going to be a lot of work on my part to get what I want, hence me rebooting this blog. I'm not saying, not deal with people, dealing is fine. It gets your feet wet. But put a time limit on it, a short one. Like a month. This is not enough time to get to know somebody, true, but it is enough time for you to make a checklist to evaluate if you want to continue for another month.

Single People with Married Friends.

I made this vow with myself earlier this year, or maybe this week that I need to get out more, so I have genuinely made a concerted effort to have plans made every weekend. Plans not necessarily meaning going out to a club, but just getting out period. On tap this weekend, dinner and kareoke with my two cousins.

Now I live in Los Angeles and she lives in Orange County, so the place where we usually end up meeting is Long Beach or rather Lakewood. Ugh. For those of you who are not familiar with southern California, no matter how much you absolutely hate LA, it's still better than living in Long Beach.

I say all that to say this, Lakewood is er..well...not my speed. The night started off like this. My cousin is married, and my other one is engaged, I'm the only single one. A fact that I really didn't deem as important as much as I did last night. When single people have married friends that they go out with, you know what they do? They flirt like hell with who ever single comes by and when the single man passes them by, they pass them off to their desperate single friend. Modify that times ten when their drunk.

So we get to the restaurant, not even five minutes after we sit down, some guy comes over and starts talking to us. Not hitting on us, but he was really "entertaining". Long story short, he was basically throwing out his fishing line to see who he could catch. Very flattering.

My cousin immediately starts flirting with him, and makes sure she points me out as the single one. His eyes widened. So I had to let him down gently and take his business card in order to save face. I told her very nicely to back off when we there.

We get to kareoke. I genuinely go to this little dive bar to enjoy watching the people get drunk and make an fool out of themselves on stage. So this guy sits down right next to us and offers to buy us our drinks. At first he seemed very nice, but once again I wasn't really in the mood for getting someone's number. As the night went on my cousin got more drunk and proceeds to kick me and keeps suggesting that I get his number. The guy as the night wore on proved to be another creepy attention whore. Stalker; clingy like. Talking about marriage and kids within the first five minutes of meeting. If you are single, you can spot these things very quickly. I ended up doing something out of character and giving him my number because of my cousin's big mouth, and I genuinely felt bad that he'd been led on so much by her. I had no intention of answering the phone when he called. Mean, but I don't believe in even letting someone take me out on a date and spend money on me when I have no intention of dating them on the regular. I just think that's rude.

Anyway, my cousin and I are due for a talk. We'll see how it goes. Not mad, but this journey is hard enough on my own without someone who doesn't understad what you're going through making it more complicated.

I gave my number late late week to a guy who seemed very disappointed that I wouldn't let him come over to my house at 9:00 at night, roughly one hour after meeting him. Times are looking up.

OK Cupid.

I'm starting to think this dating blog is not such a good idea, since hmmm..., I don't know, nobody wants to talk to me?
My friend, who is usually about is lonely as I am met the current guy she's dating someone off of OK Cupid, the free dating site? Ugh. I'll try it.
I have no qualms against online dating, it's kind of the way to go now...but OK Cupid is kind of full of losers. But what do I know, right.
So I've been on here for an hour, put a picture up and everything, just to see if someone would even talk to me. OK, two hours....OK, so I'm still technically logged on. Nothing.

I went on match.com the other day and had a little better luck. I did the free trial thing and after one day got 7 emails. So when my blackberry kept blowing up of all these menses that wanted to talk to me, can't read them. One month of service. $40.

I can't justify doing that yet, I'm desperate but not quite starving, but it's been a year, and I'm trying so we'll see.

I Need to Go on a Date

Okay, so I'm all talk no action. In order to put this plan into action, I guess I would need to go out on a actual date. Yeah, easier said than done I suppose.

I tried today. I went to Target, and I tried to flirt. My efforts proved to be unsuccessful.

I'll make a confession here, and only here. I haven't been out on a actual date since May 2010. Eek!

Some of you may be sticking your finger down your throat faking a dry heaving sound. Saying, "So what! Nobody's ever asked me out on a date". Believe me, you have every right to be upset. So, I feel this need to actually explain myself.

I had two back to back "relationships" last year and the year before. One lasted around a year, the second around two months. The year long relationship with (let's just call him Bobby) was my first actual post relationship after the disaster with my "ex" (just do a search for Loverboy in this blog and you'll be filled in). He was a disaster. I met him when I got laid off from my job, and figured I need a boy around so I wouldn't feel like a total loser. I was sitting in my car feeling sorry for myself, when I saw this cute dude in a UCLA jacket, walking across the street, and I figured hell why not. So i did the classy move, honked my horn at him, and waved like an idiot until he walked over to my car. When he came over, I was surprised when he seemed like a articulate, sweet, humble guy. So I gave him my number on a piece of paper, I asked for his but he said he had no phone right now but he'd call when he could. Oookay.

He did call. He was sweet again. A couple of times after that more of the same. We made a date, I was excited. We ended up having coffee and he even tagged along with me to one of my annoying ass acting seminars. His car broke down and I ended up having to drive him home. He apologized for kissing me on the cheek. Sweet.

Long story short, Bobby ended up being a total loser about 3 months after that. It was pretty much done mentally for me when he told me that since I was faithfully getting a unemployment check every week, then I should be be supporting him because I made more money. The only reason he stayed around after that is because I was bored on the weekends. I will be referring back to Bobby periodically as an example of what not to do when trying new experiences. It was a harrowing experience.

The next guy, Julian (his real name, I'm tired) ended up meeting one night out with my cousin. Pretty normal, he was staring, he was kind of cute although not really my type, so I just went over there. He took me too lunch after church the next day, and everything seemed okay. There were flashes of crazy, but I had seen worse. I figured I was overreacting. Julian was a pretty intimidating guy. I know some girls are really into that, but it was intimidating to me too. There were flashes of crazy but nothing really concrete. The rub came when he I decided to test my guy instinct and not call him for one night just to see how he'd react. It was at around 9:30 p.m., that he called yelling, "What the hell are you doing? Who the hell are you fucking?." Needless to say it didn't last long after that.

If you want dating advice, I'll give you great dating advice. Because after the countless bad relationships that I've been involved in, I can tell you exactly what not to do. Jesus, I can probably communicate it in Morse Code.

The Art of Flirting

So I admit, I never learned how to flirt. Sad. Apparently you're not really supposed to learn how to flirt, you're supposed to kind of know. This is like a skill that most attractive people are born with and it gets you phone numbers, free food, and out of driving tickets. My cousin failed her driver's test and apparently got her driver's license that way, if you hear her tell it.

So anyway, I never learned how to flirt. I believe I have pulled it off drunk several times, but sober it comes off very awkard and labored. I also never learned how to flirt because, not to be conceited, I never had to before. When I lived in the south, men are very forward. If they want to talk to you, they make themselves known quickly and aggressively. Also, looks aren't necessarily a big issue there. As long as you're not super fat, and you have your hair done, you are very much ahead of the curve.

I'll be super honest here and say that I have not had very much luck in the men department. This reason solely because until the age of 30, I never thought about what I wanted in a partner. As long as he looked good and could hold somwehat of a conversation he was a keeper. And if they did all the work trying to get me and stuck around, then I'm planning a wedding.

Here's the hard truth: Real men, the non-attention whores, gainfully employed, not into playing the field, secure with themselves, the stable ones for the most part will not approach you. At least not without some nudging your part. They are not going to see you, be blinded by your beauty and just have to come talk to you. That may have happened to you, but where they now (If you are married or currently dating them, I'm not talking to you). You need to push them.

My first few months here I was at burger stand outside waiting for a burger. Some cute, clean cut, well dressed man, comes across the street and tells me that my beauty was blinding and he had to come me meet me, even if it was just to talk. I was beyond flattered so I gave him my phone number. So he invites to his new apartment so that he can cook me dinner and he assures me I have nothing to be nervous about because he has like 3 roomates with girlfriends and they will all be there. Throw caution to wind, sure I'll go. I get there and after talking to him and the roomates for a little while, I put the pieces together he not only wasn't the roomate, he didn't have a room. I don't think he had a home period, or ever. He was homeless. I left soon after. Lesson learned.

I leaned to flirt off a blog, so pathetic I know, but I did. It's so simple really. Everyone has their own way of flirting, and I need to salvage some of my dignity, so I'm not going to tell you what it said. But I will tell you that shit works. A little touch there, a little batted eyelash there, I'm teliing you, I tried that shit out at the grove, the snobbiest mall on planet earth and I was utterly amazed. Men who I didn't think would talk to me, otherwise, weren't completely repulsed when I touched their arm while asking them a question.

There is one aspect of flirtation that I still need to master. Be aware when someone is fliring with you. I was in Trader Joe's today buying groceries. Men, when I am buying groceries or working out, I have a plan or I am on a mission, so beware. Needless to say when I looked up and came out the shock of my groceries total, cute, cute, cute dude was eye fucking me in the next line. I looked up and caught it at the tail end and it was too late. He was wearing scrubs, his jacket was open and I caught the stitching. I'm not sure if it said RN or MD. Either way, damn.

Tieing Up Loose Ends

So the big change that I keep whining about is that I'm turning this exclusively into dating blog. Yeah, I don't know anything about dating at 32, but I'm giving all of us late bloomers hope. And that get pretty or die trying link over there? That's my beauty blog. (**Snort**) Seriously. Late bloomers, unite!!

So, before I start entering my grand re-entrance into the blogging world, I guess I need to tie up some loose ends from the last couple of years. If you all have scrolled through for just a second, these two topics may have popped up, occasionally. (cough,cough).

1. I'm not an actress anymore
There's two things that were very prevalent on my past postings, the first being how badly I wanted to be an actress, and the second being the topic which I will cover in number two. I'm still in L. A., a feat to which I am still surprised. After two years of constant, constant poverty, almost full year of of unemployment, and several hundred dollars on acting classes and headshots spent to no avail, and countless other setbacks, I stopped. Even after not getting past go, I knew didn't love it anymore. But in this puzzling life altering process, clarity came. I pretty much came to the conclusion, that I'm a writer, specifically screenwriter/blogger extraordinaire and I'm pretty sure I always have been, and have been pursuing pretty heavily it ever since.

2. Loverboy
Wow, too say I was obsessed was kind of an understatement, right? Well, after I moved out our story didn't end there. To sum it up, he never really left my life. Is it unhealthy? Absolutely. But, I really wish I can explain it but I can't. He ended up breaking up with the girl who was basically living with us and getting another girlfriend. I ended up diving into a very, very unhealthy relationship, just a prove a point to myself that I can move on. That guy sucked, but in a weird way it gave me that nudge in the right direction that I so desperately needed. I also dated another guy right after him. He really wanted to be with me, like for real. I'm ashamed to say I've never had that experience before. But it was nice. That guy ended up being an obsessive controlling dickweed, and I broke it off with him after a couple of months. But he became a turning point in my dating life. And I haven't settled for less since.

Yes, I'm still single. Looking back on my past postings, I really hated being single. But I hated it for the wrong reasons. Basically, for all those years, Loverboy was in close proximity of me whether we were actually living together, or him living down the street, so I guess I felt that if I got with someone else while he was still around, then that would kill any chance that I would ever have of him loving me. And because, of all the pressure I put on myself, and the misery of watching him get with other people instead of me, it resulted in me thinking I was never good enough for anyone. Therefore, I never tried.

It's different now. I have friends here, I'm a lot more settled. It's been four years. I'm single, but it's because I choose to be. I could have a man, sure, but it would be the unhealthiest relationship ever. Been there.

I have a job, two sadly(damn economy), that even though they are definitely not the ideal jobs, or neither the ideal pay. I didn't settle. I actually put some thought into what kind of environment I wanted to be in, what I wanted to do make money to pay my bills. It's not my life. This is.

Guess What....

Wow, a lot of difference 2 years makes right? I'm back, and I am now under construction. Wannabe starlet is now (officially) relaunching, I should be up and running soon, so check back frequently and often. Fell free to ask questions if you can't wait! There will be some major changes under way and I hope you all like them!!