Paris Hilton is not human. She scares me. She has absolutely no soul. And I absolutely refuse to watch that video. She's a sociopath. Still, people keep giving her press, and she's not going to suffer any consequence whatsoever. I just had to say that out loud.
Project California goes into effect in 9 days and 20 hours. I'm shuffling back and forth between delusional calm and extreme mania. It's still not real. Me about a year ago would only be going for a week on spring break for vacation, probably fill out some job applications for convenience, have them call me the day I go back, only to proceed to come back here to bitch about how I need to get out of here. But me proactively taking steps to change my life? Bitch, please. I got an easy job with good insurance, why would I leave it? Plus its time for Addam and I start planning our birthday party. I would worry about it after that.
As of now, I'll be homeless for a little while. My cousin made an generous offer to let me stay with her the whole time, with her boyfriend and her kids. Umm, no. Kids aren't the problem, they're great. Boyfriend is sketch. I would describe him as the kind of ghetto that he has to suppress for everyday life, so he won't be fighting everyone in his path. Plus, I know they're cheating/cheated on each other. My gut feeling is that I don't trust him. I don't think he'll hit on me or anything, okay, we'll maybe...but the outcome will not be good. For now, I'll just be sleeping in my rental car.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The Interview
So my pilgrimage to LA takes place in about 2 weeks and I am terrified. I am definitely preparing myself for the worst. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I am blessed to go and try this, but at the same time I am scared shitless that it won't work out and I am back in hell again, plotting once again my neverending escape from Alcatraz.
The following is a interview conducted to me by me pretty much illustrating how I feel about life right now:
So I understand you want to be actress, and I know you have a reputation for hating celebrities, let's first start by asking who you hate in Hollywood right now.
Oh, cool I have a new list. The top at that list right now is Angelina Jolie. Everybody thinks she's the Virgin Mary. I think she thinks she's the virgin mary, all because she adopted some ethnic kids and she's pretty. That's what its all about.... her bring pretty. So therefore she can do nothing wrong. Instead of flying by plane to all of these poor countries, she just floats with her veil as a cape.
Drew Barrymore, hate her. She strikes me as the fakest bitch on the planet. If she's that nice, why is she best friends with Cameron Diaz, who is literally the fakest bitch on the planet.
Beyonce, yuck..I can go on, but I'll leave it alone, because I'll get bored. Tyra Banks is an idiot pretending to be smart. Paris Hilton, that one goes without saying.
Paris scares me, she has no soul.
What is your biggest fear about your trip?
Looking everyone in the eye once again and telling them I'm coming back. I've been through this so many times even I think I'm full or shit at this point. Now I feel like the reason I stayed here so long is because I'm so scared of change I became comfortable in my own misery. Took pride in bitching and complaining and not doing anything about it. I became my mother.
How does your family feel about this?
They don't give a shit. It would be different if I got this six figure job and I'm moving to be near it, they would be all up my ass, but honestly they could care less.
Does that bother you?
Hell no. I prefer it that way actually.
In the event you became a successful actress, would you become...different?
You mean a bitch? (laughs). Only to these specific people. My mom and her side of the family because they would transition into money grubbing vultures, and to them I would animorph into "the walking check", to hair and makeup people, because it took 28 years to get my shit together and you're not going to fuck it up in one oil-laden makeup brushed swoop, and to Paris Hilton and others like her, because she is fucking up the youth of our country.
What going to happen with you and "Loverboy"?
You know what, I really haven't thought that much about it, suprisingly. I guess I'm so hell bent on planning and doing my own thing, that I haven't thought that much about how he fits into the picture, except as a friend, of course. Imagine that.
One final question, you were pretty depressed for a while about entering the business because of the whole emphasis on looks, is your perspective still the same?
No, its not. If I built on career on trying to be the hot girl, I'd be Jessica Alba. Believe me,I do not want to be Jessica Alba. Bitch has no charisma. Truth is, if I get cast as the quirky best friend, then I get cast as the quirky best friend. If I'm the "fat" girl, I'm the fat girl. All the actresses who are good, who I love did not spend their time trying to be hot girl, they just were cast period. And I wouldn't spend all my time trying to diet and workout, and more time trying to be good enough to get cast.
The following is a interview conducted to me by me pretty much illustrating how I feel about life right now:
So I understand you want to be actress, and I know you have a reputation for hating celebrities, let's first start by asking who you hate in Hollywood right now.
Oh, cool I have a new list. The top at that list right now is Angelina Jolie. Everybody thinks she's the Virgin Mary. I think she thinks she's the virgin mary, all because she adopted some ethnic kids and she's pretty. That's what its all about.... her bring pretty. So therefore she can do nothing wrong. Instead of flying by plane to all of these poor countries, she just floats with her veil as a cape.
Drew Barrymore, hate her. She strikes me as the fakest bitch on the planet. If she's that nice, why is she best friends with Cameron Diaz, who is literally the fakest bitch on the planet.
Beyonce, yuck..I can go on, but I'll leave it alone, because I'll get bored. Tyra Banks is an idiot pretending to be smart. Paris Hilton, that one goes without saying.
Paris scares me, she has no soul.
What is your biggest fear about your trip?
Looking everyone in the eye once again and telling them I'm coming back. I've been through this so many times even I think I'm full or shit at this point. Now I feel like the reason I stayed here so long is because I'm so scared of change I became comfortable in my own misery. Took pride in bitching and complaining and not doing anything about it. I became my mother.
How does your family feel about this?
They don't give a shit. It would be different if I got this six figure job and I'm moving to be near it, they would be all up my ass, but honestly they could care less.
Does that bother you?
Hell no. I prefer it that way actually.
In the event you became a successful actress, would you become...different?
You mean a bitch? (laughs). Only to these specific people. My mom and her side of the family because they would transition into money grubbing vultures, and to them I would animorph into "the walking check", to hair and makeup people, because it took 28 years to get my shit together and you're not going to fuck it up in one oil-laden makeup brushed swoop, and to Paris Hilton and others like her, because she is fucking up the youth of our country.
What going to happen with you and "Loverboy"?
You know what, I really haven't thought that much about it, suprisingly. I guess I'm so hell bent on planning and doing my own thing, that I haven't thought that much about how he fits into the picture, except as a friend, of course. Imagine that.
One final question, you were pretty depressed for a while about entering the business because of the whole emphasis on looks, is your perspective still the same?
No, its not. If I built on career on trying to be the hot girl, I'd be Jessica Alba. Believe me,I do not want to be Jessica Alba. Bitch has no charisma. Truth is, if I get cast as the quirky best friend, then I get cast as the quirky best friend. If I'm the "fat" girl, I'm the fat girl. All the actresses who are good, who I love did not spend their time trying to be hot girl, they just were cast period. And I wouldn't spend all my time trying to diet and workout, and more time trying to be good enough to get cast.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Random Tidbits .... Once Again
1. Beyonce, full blown hatred. Not even jealous anymore, she just urks the shit out me now.
2. 3 weeks until project California. I'm terrified, of coming back that is. No one has contacted me about a job as of yet, and its really freaking me out at this point.
3. I realized now that I have stayed at this hellhole for so long, because I forgot how much I hate looking for a job. I absolutely hate it, all the work, all the applications, all the interviews...after all that, you find out they had someone in mind for the job anyway and all your efforts were in vain.
4. Maybe its because I've been in this shithole for so long, but I'm really fed up with black men at the moment. I know there are good ones out there, but confident, strong, educated, non wannabe thuggish, open minded black men, with no kids are very few and far between. I'm into Jewish men now. I'm sure its just a phase.
5. Speaking of thugs, regular guys (of any race) never approach me. Just the "thugs". Not my exterior either, I dress like a preppie most of the time. My best friend and I were talking about the only kinds of black women who are widely regarded as okay to think of as beautiful either look like either Halle Berry or Iman. White girl or extremely exotic, and always skinny. No in between. Most black women are my complexion, with my build, and my big ass. So the only ones who can decipher the difference, and unfortunately appreciate us is the "thugs", screaming obscenities at us indoors from outside....but I digress...
2. 3 weeks until project California. I'm terrified, of coming back that is. No one has contacted me about a job as of yet, and its really freaking me out at this point.
3. I realized now that I have stayed at this hellhole for so long, because I forgot how much I hate looking for a job. I absolutely hate it, all the work, all the applications, all the interviews...after all that, you find out they had someone in mind for the job anyway and all your efforts were in vain.
4. Maybe its because I've been in this shithole for so long, but I'm really fed up with black men at the moment. I know there are good ones out there, but confident, strong, educated, non wannabe thuggish, open minded black men, with no kids are very few and far between. I'm into Jewish men now. I'm sure its just a phase.
5. Speaking of thugs, regular guys (of any race) never approach me. Just the "thugs". Not my exterior either, I dress like a preppie most of the time. My best friend and I were talking about the only kinds of black women who are widely regarded as okay to think of as beautiful either look like either Halle Berry or Iman. White girl or extremely exotic, and always skinny. No in between. Most black women are my complexion, with my build, and my big ass. So the only ones who can decipher the difference, and unfortunately appreciate us is the "thugs", screaming obscenities at us indoors from outside....but I digress...
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
More to come...
Beyonce looked like a straight drag queen at the Golden globes last night...
That's all for now.
That's all for now.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Thank Yous for 2006
I know I'm late with this, but I've been sick and I'm sick now, so screw it.
Go Gators!! Had to get that out first.
So I'm laying in the bed with my insomnia, as I do every night dwelling over the events I had this last year. So I have to say, I had a damn good year.
I made myself over completely inside and out, and I have these lovely people to thank.
1. God
I was mad at God for a little while, not gonna lie. Wondering why he stuck me with the mediocre life that I lived, wondering why after years of begging every single night for years, why I was still in this hellhole, and even though I was trying to claw my way out, how come I was still not in LA? After much professional help and less self-hatred it finally hit me. I wasn't ready. If I had left any earlier than I did right now, I would have been on the next plane home. I didn't like myself very much and it showed. Out there, can't do that. In the end, all you have is you and Him. Sorry it took me so long God, and thank you.
2. My beautician
I could write about this woman forever, but I'll make it quick. I don't know if I have ever bitched about this before, but one of my biggest lifelong dreams is to have long hair...No, seriously. My mother has continously told to me throughout the years as well as my middle sister, "I keep trying to tell your hair don't grow long. You don't have curly hair like Dean (my oldest sister). Only people with good hair have long hair" Beautician after bad beautician, perm after bad perm, short hair. Certain point, breaks off, shorter hair.
So this woman takes one look at my hair, and says, "You need to leave those perms alone. They are tearing your head up." What? The perm is tearing my head up? Stress is not taking my hair out?
"No. Just trust me and do what I tell you." That was march. Here is January and my hair has gone from the top of my ears to the top of my back. Thanks, Tish.
3.Greg Berenhdt
Writer of "He's not that into You." and "Its called a breakup because its broken". I am the queen of shitty relationships, as well as dumb as a brick when it comes to men. The book itself is pretty common sense, mostly, but it told me everything I needed to hear. Haven't looked back since.
4. My mom
Me and Moms still have our differences, but it took me living with her again to really get it and handle her. She may have her issues, and the issues are deep, trust me, but I know she will always be there for me.
5. My therapist
I don't need to talk about her, because I talk about her enough on this blog. Therapy works people. I am a believer.
Last, but not least
5.Loverboy
I finally got some emotional distance, and I now treat him for what he is.. a friend. Don't get me wrong, I still love the boy, I'm not delusional, but he is not good for me. He has been been a good friend, but he is not what I want in a boyfriend at all. And I am no longer to willing to take scraps.
I want to send a shout out to Addam and Jason, who help me hold it down in this piece, and my popz who still keeps it real, and nothin' but love for my sister Gwen...
Okay, sorry had to do that....
Go Gators!! Had to get that out first.
So I'm laying in the bed with my insomnia, as I do every night dwelling over the events I had this last year. So I have to say, I had a damn good year.
I made myself over completely inside and out, and I have these lovely people to thank.
1. God
I was mad at God for a little while, not gonna lie. Wondering why he stuck me with the mediocre life that I lived, wondering why after years of begging every single night for years, why I was still in this hellhole, and even though I was trying to claw my way out, how come I was still not in LA? After much professional help and less self-hatred it finally hit me. I wasn't ready. If I had left any earlier than I did right now, I would have been on the next plane home. I didn't like myself very much and it showed. Out there, can't do that. In the end, all you have is you and Him. Sorry it took me so long God, and thank you.
2. My beautician
I could write about this woman forever, but I'll make it quick. I don't know if I have ever bitched about this before, but one of my biggest lifelong dreams is to have long hair...No, seriously. My mother has continously told to me throughout the years as well as my middle sister, "I keep trying to tell your hair don't grow long. You don't have curly hair like Dean (my oldest sister). Only people with good hair have long hair" Beautician after bad beautician, perm after bad perm, short hair. Certain point, breaks off, shorter hair.
So this woman takes one look at my hair, and says, "You need to leave those perms alone. They are tearing your head up." What? The perm is tearing my head up? Stress is not taking my hair out?
"No. Just trust me and do what I tell you." That was march. Here is January and my hair has gone from the top of my ears to the top of my back. Thanks, Tish.
3.Greg Berenhdt
Writer of "He's not that into You." and "Its called a breakup because its broken". I am the queen of shitty relationships, as well as dumb as a brick when it comes to men. The book itself is pretty common sense, mostly, but it told me everything I needed to hear. Haven't looked back since.
4. My mom
Me and Moms still have our differences, but it took me living with her again to really get it and handle her. She may have her issues, and the issues are deep, trust me, but I know she will always be there for me.
5. My therapist
I don't need to talk about her, because I talk about her enough on this blog. Therapy works people. I am a believer.
Last, but not least
5.Loverboy
I finally got some emotional distance, and I now treat him for what he is.. a friend. Don't get me wrong, I still love the boy, I'm not delusional, but he is not good for me. He has been been a good friend, but he is not what I want in a boyfriend at all. And I am no longer to willing to take scraps.
I want to send a shout out to Addam and Jason, who help me hold it down in this piece, and my popz who still keeps it real, and nothin' but love for my sister Gwen...
Okay, sorry had to do that....
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