I hate Christmas

Yes, I hate Christmas, and for all you mother fuckers who think I am evil for hating Christmas, screw you. Labor day is my holiday.

Being the pessimist that I am, I have always felt that Christmas was rather anti-climatic. You wake up, you open the presents, you thank everyone, and you wait until its time to eat. I guess Hallmark and the malls build up Christmas to be this huge holiday, when in reality, unless your rich or 5 years old its kind of a letdown.

Yes, Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of the birth of Christ, but I heard somewhere that Jesus was actually born on the 28th of December. Yeah, its the season for giving and all that stuff, but when you're grown and have a job, do you ever get anything you really want? Engagement rings don't count because they're more trouble than what they're worth. I mean when you do get enagaged are you actually surprised or in the back of your mind are you going, "Yeah, it took your ass long enough."

In my 20's, I've have never actually had a good Christmas. I actually spend most of it waiting for it to be over so everything can go back to normal. Around this time of year, my mother turns obsessive-compulsive psycho cook and my father turns into distant aloof guy. I actually escaped this year and went to visit my sister up north and two things have immediately been brought to the forefront.

Its quiet up here. My sister and I are very different to say the least. Saying that we're like night and day would involve too much of a comparison because the sun and the moon share the same sky. Her and my brother-in-law can sit around in complete silence, no TV, no radio, no phone, nothing and sort of just be content doing what they do. I'm used to having people screaming in my ear all the time and not sitting still even when I'm off. Never noticed that before. Not until Christmas when was I made to stay in one place.

My family is weird. Most families who are a little on the eccentric side are crazy. They are crazy as in drunk crazy, or cousin who is a hoe crazy, or uncle who likes to fight crazy. My family is "wannabe bougie" crazy. They want so much to be seen as this cultured, dignified, almost snobbish people. But they're not, they are a little ghetto as well as country and they just can't accept that. I would love if people actually sat around drinking and arguing over sports instead of chit-chatting in silence about world affairs. My sister has always been the way she is so I can't hate on her for being herself, but to be honest if I wasn't her sister she would talk about me like a dog.

So in short I hate Christmas, well I have for at least the last 6 or 7 years. But I hope you all are having a very full day of food, loved ones and activites. I got around 5 more hours until this day is over and I will be able to start plotting my escape for next year.

Desperate dot com

I preface this by saying, that yes this a true story, and yes I am ashamed this has come to this point.

So my friend Addam is gay, and everyday he bitches about how he can't get a man or how he hasn't had sex in forever. Since's he gay, he of course has done a lot of meetings over the internet with or without much luck. So I suggest that he try using adult friend finder. The site that is advertised pretty heavily that "adults" use to find "friendship". Okay, okay, a fuck buddy. He joined it with the intention of actually sleeping with someone, that's unless he found someone cute, of course.

Well, the he checked the second day, and he even put his picture on, but only got two responses. When I told him, to be patient, his response was, "why don't you do it bitch. See what kind of responses you get."

So my profile was written as follows:

Wanted: fuck buddy: One hot female that knows how to manuever and perform on the highest sexual levels. I need a man with a good stick to handle this phat hot ass. R you the man, hit me up.

I got 10 hits the next day, without a single picture on my profile.

So you're probably thinking by now, that I just did this and left it be..nope. I have to play things out to have a story to tell. First of all, I must say that there are some sick people in this world, sick. And I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. Its amazing the sick things that people will put pictures of on the internet. So there was this one guy who seemed pretty harmless. His pictures were cute (although one was a picture of dick, but I'm not counting that one). So I talked to him online. Now I'm pretty good at feeling out crazy, so I ask the three basics: he's never been in the military, he just got out of a long term relationship, and he has a steady job. Check ,check, check.

I'm not going to lie. I have never had any relations with a white male before. So I figured it would be the quickest way, so why the hell not.

So I met him and first things first, he looked nothing like his picture. He was way, way skinnier than he was on his picture, and apparently he knows what he was doing with a camera because that picture was a great angle. Now I'm not saying he was ugly, but would you do the skinny guy from Road Trip and Hustle and Flow? Neither would I.

Now sadly, the most disturbing thing about this whole experience was not the fact that he wasn't cute. It was the fact that I had this underlying feeling the whole time that I was obligated to sleep with him. It was like the whole time, he was saying to me, "you know what I'm here for, you know you gotta fuck me, this is what you signed for." I mean, I did sign up for it, it was adult friend finder, not freaking cupid.com. It was disturbing.

No, I didn't have with him.

The next day, I text messaged him and told that this experience was way weirder than I thought it was going to be and I won't be able to go through with it. Too chicken shit to even talk to him. He called me back and I didn't answer. He was pissed. I could hear it in his voice. I actually felt bad, because I initiated the whole thing, I just couldn't be around somebody who I felt obligated to fuck.

So here I am single yet again, but he hasn't stopped calling me since.

Got--dammitt Sasha!!!

I don't know if any of you out there watch Miss Seventeen on MTV. (okay I'm probably the only one). Its a "reality show" about teenage girls competing to be on the cover of seventeen, ala "The Apprentice" for teenage girls. Its a really good concept actually and surprisingly entertaining show.

Well, we all know that reality shows are infamous for not putting black people in the best light...okay, they make us look ghetto, is that better? This one was no better, the first black girl, Leah got kicked off because the security cameras caught her talking about how she wanted to be famous off of this show. The second one, Ashley was fine at first, then completely lost her mind and starting acting ghetto as hell out nowhere and sent herself home. Then, there's Sasha.

I liked Sasha a lot. She was the only girl on that show with some sense. She was mature, she handled conflicts inside the house well, and she managed to go this long in the competition without her hair looking too tore up, sans weave (sniff, sniff). But you see, Sasha does spoken word. She likes doing it. A lot. She did it on the first episode of the show, then the third, then the fourth. And no, it wasn't different pieces of work, it was the same damn poem. It was like Sasha memorized her first spoken word piece ever, and she was so happy. So she liked to perform it every chance she got....and she did. A lot.

Well, they are down to the final three, there is pretty much no competition at this point, I think Sasha is going to win!!! There are never any black winners of any MTV reality shows, they never put black people on the cover of Seventeen (except for Beyonce and Ashanti, but they don't count) and to have a young black girl so far ahead of the competition was just a proud moment for me. But got-dammit Sasha!!!, you just couldn't resist doing that poem one more time did you?

It was obvious they were setting her up. When Sasha offered herself to perform in a room full of makeup people and a musician last week, they were prepping for the musician's show, but she had to show what she can do, she performed, even though nobody asked her to do so. Maybe she should have thought to herself that the producers would take that and run with it. And boy did they.

The girls had to work in the editior's office as assistants, and not only did she perform for an assistant editor's whose call she just fucked up, but she left a whole bunch of people on hold because a "slam poetry show coordinator" was on the phone and she felt the need to show off her skills. When I saw that, I just put my head in my hands. Even Atoosa Rubenstein, the editor who dismissed her, told her that she pretty much had the competition in the bag. I know you need to get your shine on, Sasha, but you were already shining, Sasha, so brightly. Why Sasha why?

As a result, we have dumb ass Jen and insecure Jessica left. Who low and behold, have to give a speech next week for their final task!! On top of being fake as hell, Jen can barely string two sentences together and Jessica wins a lot of challenges, but she's always freaking whining, "I can't do it...I don't have confidence.." Fake bitch. But I digress.

Sasha, I hope for your sake that you knew about the conspiracy that was going on, because you really disappointed me last night; I mean my heart hurt. And for God's sake, go learn another poem.

End of year stuff...

I hate the end of the year when your all reflective and shit. Its interesting to think about, but its really boring to read after a while. Hell, they're my thoughts and even I get bored reading them, so I'll make two quick short points and move on to something else.

1. My friend Addam told me yesterday that I'm proabably not going to get married and if i do, it will probably be for a short time. Depressing thing is, that I believe he's right.

2. I would rather sleep on the street and eat roaches rather than stay in my current places of employment for another year, A guy just got fired at my part-time because he stunk so bad too many people were going home sick. I shit you not.

I guess I'll talk about the grammy nominations....
I am a bit of a music snob. I'm as into music almost as much as I am into movies, so if my opinions seem a little strong, its because I have no life and there is nothing else to feel strongly about at the moment...except for porn, I'm really picky about that too...

Mariah Carey got nominated for 8, big surprise. The grammy's do this every year, they nominate the artist who is the hot shit for a bunch of awards, they put them in the same category as a legendary musician who you didn't even know released an album this year, and a bunch of other people who are also big selling artists for the year and the random old ass person wins.

Last year, it was Ray Charles, and this year Paul McCartney. Did anybody know or care that Paul McCartney released an album this year? I didn't. Did I give a shit? Nope. But he's going to win that Grammy I can tell you that. They did this to Mariah before you know. I believe Fantasy got about 8 or 9 nominations one year, and Joni Mitchell won. She didn't get shit. She'll win the R&B awards.

And Beyonce (hater alert), that bitch got nominated by herself, for that Wishing on a Star song, it was on the Roll Bounce soundtrack. I love how eonline says she has 6 nominations, but 5 of them are with Destiny's Child. Those other 2 just can't get break can they? (Look at me, 'the other two) just can't get a break can they? Random. Kanye, well, Kanye's attitude sucks, but he works hard, I said this before, but he needs to accept the fact he's going to only get rap grammy's, I know he's going to set the audtiorium on fire when he doesn't win, so start drawing the blueprint for your atomic bomb now, Kanye.

Kelly Clarkson was robbed I tell you, robbed!!! Bitch had 5 top ten singles, and she only got two nominations, bullshit ones at that. So was Madonna, I know she put out her album too late to be considered, but still had to give that album props. Damn you, Madonna, for making an album of songs I cannot freaking stop sing, damn you!!! Moving on..

I love Gwen Stefani, but Hollaback Girl, song of the year, and album of the year, nuh uh. I understand pop grammys, but for real ones? No.


John Legend is extremely talented, he should be nominated because he's the real deal. He's good, but I think his album's a little overrated.

Who am I forgetting, U2? meh, they won't win, they had their year two years ago.

2005 Most Fascinating People (the Real List)

I hate when that list comes out in magazine's and crap, it should be re-named people who made the most money. Tom Cruise? C'mon, crazy does not mean fascinating. Brad and Angelina, they're together because they're both crazy.

Honorable Mention up first:
Me.
I cannot believe I cannot been blogging for damn near a year. I have to thank Mr. Panama Jackson over there, before him I was just a girl with a dream....

This has been a emotionally trying year for me. I have pretty much been a pushover my whole life, and this year I have been constantly fighting, others and mostly myself to discover what kind of person I am; as well as accept it. My father finally broke it down for me over breakfast when I was crying and complaining about my lack of spine. He told me to stop freaking apologizing for who I am. I have never had to do that before; no one ever told me I needed to do it that's for damn sure. So I'm doing it and I think I'm a much better person for it.

Also, another big lesson I have learned:
Stop giving a shit what other people think!!!
I have to really give credit Attention whore at my part time job, who I have mentioned in this blog before. She looks like a drag queen. She's fat, she talks about herself all the time, and she got a new weave that makes her look like predator. Her two favorite topics of conversation is herself, and dogging out other people behind her back. This is seriously the only joy she gets out of her life, and she looks like a monster. I learned that these are the kind of people who don't like you or talk about you behind your back. People who literally have nothing else to do.


Last but not least:
My dad. I have always had a tummultous relationship with my family, to say the least, but my dad became a hero to me this year and that's something I thought I would never say. Thank god, for him, my sister, and modern temptress. As long as I got those three, I could give a flying speckled fuck about what anyone else thinks of me.

(Finally) Now the list!!!!

1. The Creators of South Park:
Still on the air, still writing about whatever the fuck they want, still pissing people off, still funny. The Trapped in the Closet episode is one of the funniest things I seen on televsion this year. They just don't give a shit, I admire that.

2. Kanye West
Kanye may not have the most humble attitude in the world, but I have to give credit where credit is due, he does not stand behind bullshit. He seems to work really hard. He couldn't even bring himself to read to prompter at the Telethon for Hurricane Katrina, because he knew it was flowery bullshit. And he said what everybody was thinking.

3. Paris Hilton
You can love her of hate her, but you cannot deny it. Paris is a global superstar. Everybody says she doesn't do anything for a living, but really she doesn't have to at this point does she? Love her or hate her, you be hard pressed to find someone who that when you mention her name, it doesn't illicit a strong reaction.

4. Oprah
Let's just be real, Oprah is the shit. She has this whole country kissing her ass. She even said that in the press that she did not buy Tom and Katie's relationship. All these little bitch ass celebrities walking around kiss Oprah's ass, because if Oprah doesn't endorse you, your shit is good ass done.

5. Madonna
That bitch had the single of the year this year. She's a bitch, but unlike other celebrities, she doesn't pretend she isn't. She has an excellent lighting team too, they make her look good. She needs to cool it with the over airbrushed magazine covers though.

6. My friend Addam
Random, I know, but he's one of those random people in my life who I believed showed up to test me. We've gotten into it a lot this year, but we've always forgiven each other and because of him, I can now admit somewhat proudly, Ew, I'm kind of a bitch...

7. My mom
My mom has tested me a lot this year to say the least. Don't get me wrong, we get along fine most of the time, but when she is pissed off its like a straight up shitstorm. But, she has taught me not to take everything so damn personally.

8. Ghetto Bitch at Work
This will be the last of the personal references, promise. I have metioned her here too. All I really got from her is that some mother fuckers are just straight up crazy.

9. He whose name I shall not mention
Okay I lied, last personal one I promise. Madonna said in her documentary, that the one you love is not going to be the agreeable lovey dovey type, he's going to be the one who pisses you off to no end, boy was she right. For real, I should hate this person, but for some strange reason he's been there for me and he's aware I'll be there for him. But yet, its still fucked up and dysfunctional as hell.. oh well, wouldn't be me if it wasn't.

10. Perez Hilton
The fucker who got me obsessed with celebrity blogs. He got famous this year, so did Trent.

11. Kristin Cavalleri
Laguna Beach was the shit this year, and don't even front and say it wasn't because of her. She has a confidence that can only be admired, and she as well never apologized for who she is.

Rules of attraction

I'm always writing ideas in my spare time, and one day I'm going to meet that wonderful publisher or producer who's going to hear my ideas and give me a lot of money and motivation to finally write that book or screenplay. One of the ideas that I have played with for a while is a new dating book. I know the last thing that needs to be on the market is a brand new dating rule book, and lord knows I'm the last person who needs to be giving advice.

But I can say with confidence, now, that I may not know the rule to getting one, but I can recoginze an asshole in a second. I want to save women from getting into these dyfunctional asshole relationships, and believe me I have plenty of experience to back it up. In other words, I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you what not to do.

This is only a very partial list of tips/rules/advice that I came up with, so here is some in no particular order.

1. Don't by any means ever date a man in the military (except for the air force).
Military men are crazy, I don't know why but they are, and I'm not talking about former military, I'm talking about current ones. No matter how normal they seem, something is always very off about them.

2. If a man asks you out on a date, pay attention to how he asks and what day he asks you.
If only asks to see you, with no particular place picked out; he wants ass. If he asks you out in the middle of the week, and he cannot wait until the weekend; he's crazy. Lunch dates on any day of the week, or night dates on the weekend are pretty safe. But if he is so desperate to see you again, that he just can't wait that long, run like the wind.

3. Never by any circumstances ever date a man who doesn't like sports.
My mom told me that one, and it is in fact true. There are actually some men out there who do not like sports, and they are really, really weird. Not gay, but weird; which in some cases is worse.

4. If you truly like or click with a man within the first meeting, he is usually involved with someone, just broke up with someone, or married.
Men who are involved or just got over being involved have nothing to prove, no games to play, and no risks to take. So most of the time they are at ease, and themselves when they talk to you.

5. Be wary of fineness.
Fine men make you do crazy things, say things you don't want to say, perform acts you don't want to perform, they'll make you think they're smart when they're in fact really stupid. Ladies, we are just like men in this aspect. This comes from that little teeny bit of insecurity that is prevalent in all of us. And think about it, which would you rather have happen, your friends thinking your man is an idiot or your friends thinking your man is ugly. Well, stupidity can be hidden by closing one's mouth; unattractiveness is head on. You make the call.

I don't have internet

Our internet is on the fritz at work. I am actually writing this on my parents computer. Have you ever tried to sit through an 8-hour office job with no internet. Pretty damn insufferable I must say. On top of that I'm sick, so this up coming week is not going to be a fun one.

Apexaphobia

I'm weird, I know this. But after today I realize I have a psychological conditon. I don't know the proper term for it. But I'll give my own name, lets call it Apexaphobia. What is this term mean do you ask? It means obsession of one's height.

What is the big deal about my height? I ask myself that every time I get out the tape measure, at 26-years-old, once a month. My whole life I have had this obsession with being tall, to the point where I lie about how tall I am, all the time. On a good day, I'm 5'7, on a bad one, about 5'6 and three quarters. That's a boring height, everybody's freaking 5'7. And other people do not help with this obsession because when they ask me my height, and I look them straight in the eye and tell them 5'8, they either believe me or disagree and tell me I look taller. I have long legs and big feet, so that tricks people. It also doesn't help that my sister who has been 5'11 and thin for as long as I can remember, and my family are always commenting on how tall and striking she is...bitch.

I believe it started with this video as well:




Remember that shit? I remember Janet standing in front of her dancers with her six-pack, looking tall and commanding attention. I distinctly remember telling my mother that when I grew up I wanted to be 5'7 just like Janet Jackson. Now that 5'7 had arrived, I realize should have asked for 5'9, and several years later I was crushed to find out Janet's only 5'4.

If you get into the boring psychological reasoning as to why I want to be tall, I deduced that people treat you differently when you're tall. Ugly men actually get somewhat of a pass if they are tall. You have to be tall to be a model. Strangers are amazed by tall people. Being tall has always seemed very elegant and very regal to me; no matter how attractive and unattractive the person is. When they stand up straight, they have an air about them that makes them seem slightly less trifling than the rest of us. You'll always get some sort of attention for being tall, if you don't get attention for anything else.

Adding to my neurosis, I think that inch that I grew when I came back from California is gone. I measured myself and I believe I finally made it to my apex of 5'8. I think its gone, I think I shrunk and I'm back to barely 5'7 again. I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend.

I'm so bored..my god I am so bored

You ever have one of those days at work, where you seriously cannot possibly believe that your this bored. Like, seriously, I'm bored a lot, but today I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I was this bored. I apologize for the topic of today's post but this is the best I can do with the sheer torture that I am faced with today.

Hmm, I haven't hated on Beyonce in a long time, I think its time for a refresher course.

I don't know if you all have seen Destiny's Child's new video, "Stand Up for Love". It is quite possibly the cheesiest thing I have ever seen. The song is the World Children's Day anthem, so its not like they can walk around in midriffs and shit. What bothers me the most about this video is the fact that they made Beyonce look like a straight up white girl. I don't mean really light skinned, I mean Caucasian persuasion for real.

Don't get me wrong, Beyonce is light. That whole scandal with Vanity Fair saying that they lightened her pictures is bull. You look at her early childhood photos, she is yellow. But there has never been a problem mistaking her for being a black woman. In this video, that is severely questioned. I think its the superstraight blonde hair, and that awful makeup. (Sorry about the bad screencap)


Continuing on with my Beyonce hating, you may be aware that she has a clothing line coming out. I saw her on TRL the other day and she was wearing one of the "creations". It was a denim dress and the top looked like a vest. It was some of the the kuntriest(yes with a k) shit I have ever seen. I can hear her mama whispering in her ear, "Baby this makes you look so purrty, you should wear this". For example:



I was looking for the gold hot pants and the Dolly Parton hair she wore last year, but I hated this shit too. A world of no.

Speaking of celebrity clothing lines, I really hate it when stars do that. Its so obvious that they're only doing it for the money. But you won't make any money if it doesn't sell, and it won't sell if your fans don't want to dress like you. I like Alicia Keys but I'm not wearing spray painted on jeans and have the real size of butt exposed to the world. Then wear heels, so it can look even bigger? Oh, hell no.

The only one who I understand a little bit is Gwen Stefani, because she used to make all her own clothes when No Doubt first got big. I get that. I even understand J-lo, because even though she's fallen off lately, when she was on point she was on point. Its just that the her clothing line looks cheap. She doesn't even wear that shit anymore.

Pharrell has one out, BAPE? I believe its called. He wears it alll the time because he's the only one who can afford it. He's trying so hard to make it catch on. Got Jay-Z wearing sweatshirts and everything. Pharrell, if we wanted to dress like you we would go to Wal-mart little boys section and get some shirts. Then we'd go to Foot Locker and get some converse. Now that I think about I already dress like you. I need some shopping money. Donations anyone?

Guessing Game

Can I say that I am utterly obessesed with Madonna's new song and video. I'm going through kind of a rough time right now, and its usually the stupidest, most insignificant things that manage to put a smile on your face. I heard this on the radio in the car, and it sounds nothing like that T-mobile commercial. I also heard snippets of the album, and I am currently trying to get my broken CD player in car fixed, just so that I can buy this album. I even watched that boring ass documentary that she had on MTV the other day. Its ridiculous. I need Jesus.

Continuing with the music theme. I give you three guesses as to who these singers are.


The one on the left may be the hardest one. I'll give you a hint. He used to have a unibrow...I believe that's all that needs to be said.

Oooh, I have dirt on him. The sister of a girl I met at the beauty shop is currently dating him. She sat right next to him at a football game recently and had the nerve to not only wear dark sunglasses, but slump down very low in his seat because he was really worried about being mobbed. No shit.

I used to LOOOVE the one the far right. I listened to his greatest hits album this very morning. Deep down inside, we always knew he was kinda gay, but I always chose to live in denial. I would have never pregged him for becoming a crackhead prostitute though (at least that's what I heard).

As for the one in middle, remember when Jodeci was really big and you and your friends used to call who you wanted to be with. Well, when DeVante and Dalvin were taken and you were stuck with the other two you and had to make up reasons why they look good. And by make up, I mean flat out boldface lie. For example, "I like Jo-Jo 'cause he got some sexy lips".....Did Jo-Jo have lips? I remember sunglasses, hat, and two black things that moved while he sang, but I don't remember actual lips...

I guess he still has a career. Surprisingly, him and his brother had a successful run. I swear, I am the only person on planet Earth who saw and remembers DeVante only solo video. It was and probably still is a trifling mess.

The Evolution of Man

I wonder is it just me or have women's tastes in men changed throughout the years since I have been around. I actually thought my taste was pretty good until I got grown and then I asked myself what was I thinking? Well, I see some of the young men that the young ladies like now and well...Form your own opinion.

Back in the day, I realize I haven't really formed a taste yet, so I was all about him...





sigh...The stay video when he's talking all sexy and he bites his lip and rolls his head back. The video that we discovered he had hazel eyes. Every girl at my school was all about some Devante back then. Now he kind of looks like a crackhead...and I think he actually is now.



When I saw "oochie coohie" for the first time. I was like Devante who? Hell, if he was still out today I'd still wanna do him. He was foooine. Then he followed this with "brainstormin..." I was ready to give my life for this man. But then he dropped of the face of the earth. There was rumor going around that he had aids, but I think that replaced the DeVante being dead rumor. I don't think he even came out with a failed second album, He just quit. He was fooine.


I asked some young ladies who worked at my job who are either close to my age or a little younger who they think look good. Here are the responses I got.




He's ehhh. Overrated. Granted he was fine in "The best man",but I think its because we hadn't seen him in a little while and we were taken aback because he didn't have that fucked up wannabe flattop hair that he had in Boyz in the Hood. Its something very off about him that makes him unattractive to me. Maybe he's gay.



The favorite. I hear his name tossed around a lot. I think a lot of women get into the whole thug thing, and that's where his name comes up. I never got into the whole thug thing. But Cam'ron? I'm so sorry no man who is supposedly hard should be wearing pink. And does anyone remember "Horse and Carriage"? Yeah. Don't get it.


Now I have what we call the popular vote. The black men that are "attractive" by association. In other words, black men who white people lie and say that their fine, just because they're famous.



He was in the 50 most beautiful people this year. He was Wanda the ugly girl on In Living Color. You know why? Because he looks just like her. He's a bitch, too. He thinks he's Ray Charles, still almost a year after he won that damn Oscar.



The king of "I'm fine because I'm famous". Now I'm not gonna front, Back in the "U Remind Me" days, I would have totally done Usher. But the more famous he gets, the fruitier he becomes.



Now we come to what I call grown and sexy. Men who I think are just handsome.



These two are currently the father of my children. A lot of women tell me they do not like Terrence Howard, and they claim its because he's too light. Look at him!!!. Are you bitches blind!!! Terrence Howard has to make himself looks less attractive a lot so he can get roles. My other child's father Don Cheadle has always been appealing to me because he's so damn talented. He's a normal looking man with a seemingly very laid back personality who can command attention anytime he wants to. He has that "its something about him I can't put my finger on" appeal that is a lot of the time more important than looks.



I'm mad about this one. Blair Underwood is fine. He was fine on L.A. Law. He was fine when he was Robin Givens's boyfriend that Theo was jealous of on the Cosby Show. He's always been fine. But I was so blinded by Devante for so, so long. I didn't come to really appreciate the fineness that his him until he was on sex and the city last year. He is fine.

Here's my old standby:

I know, I know. But don't sit there and act like Ginuine offered to buy you a drink at the club you would say no, don't even lie and say you would say no.

More of the same....

I'm in a rut. Not in a "I hate my life" kind of way; but more like a "everything is the fucking same no matter what I do; so therefore I hate my life" kind of way. I hope that makes sense.

I literally have until May of next year to decide what the hell I'm going to do with my life. This deadline was not something that was concocted out of my own head; this is when my lease is up. I have to renew it way in advance so I actually have to get my shit together way before then. I'm so lost. Let's go over the examples very, very brief detail shall we!

1. I don't make any money at my 2 jobs!!!
I work in two very laid back work environments, I have great insurance, I can pretty much do whatever I want at my jobs. But I don't make money. Yes, I have a roof over my head and food, blah, blah. But if something serious comes up like me needing a new car or having to pay a lot of money to fix my current one. I'm fucked.

2. I need a new car
I drive a car that is paid for. For those of you have a car note, you all understand what a huge relief that is. Problem is; the transmission is not the best right now, and when the transmission is not great, you need a new car. I don't even feel its safe enough to take on the highway, so even if I wanted to drive somewhere. I couldn't. Why not buy a new car? Refer to exhibit 1.

3. I need a more grownup life.
This one is hard to explain. I pretty much live the life of a college student without the actual classes. Yes, I work 13 hour days but most of it is spent on or near a college campus. I eat a lot junk food. I'm always broke. I don't even own a decent suit. There are people I know around here who are even older than me who still attend greek parties, frequently. There's nothing wrong with it every once in a while, but they attend parties at the frat houses. That's just wrong.
No one really wants to get old, I certainly don't. But there comes a time when you have to face the inevitable. Its coming and new responsibilities come with it.

4. There is no possibility of ever having a relationship here.
Yes, I want to get married. Not in a co-dependency type way, but I though at this time in my life I would at least be in serious relationship. Well, that's kind of hard considering every black male who lives in your city is either half your age, and if they are your age they still act like they are half your age, because they're almost 30 and still in undergrad. Not saying anywhere else would be any different, but here there's no room to even experiment.

5. I'm too comfortable
With all of its flaws, living in a small town does have its benefits. It pains me to admit that more than anything else, but its true. I pay less than $500 a month for a 2 bedroom apt. It takes me exactly 7 minutes to get from home to work. When I'm bored, I usually walk right across the street to my friends' house even at 1 or 2 in the morning. Its a $5 cover to get into the club. I can always go to my parents house to do laundry for free and eat dinner if I want. I went to rite aid at 10 Saturday night and left the car door wide open for about a hour, I came back and my car was unharmed. Get my drift? Its just really easy, and harder than I imagined to give up.

6. I'm scared that when I do leave I'll want to come back.
When I went to LA, and realized the one half to three quarters of my time was spent in car. I hated it. I was thinking "how the hell do people drive so damn much?" But people do, everyday with no problem. Love the aspect of being in a place where life actually moves forward instead of standing still. Hate all the driving and the fact I have to travel (gasp) somewhere for 2 hours and I'm not leaving the damn state. I also hated the fact I had to figure out so many things on own and actually somewhat pay attention to what I was doing. I have driven on the highway drunk here with one contact in my eye and paid less attention. That will take some getting used to.

7. Last but not least
My ex-fiance called me. I haven't heard from him in two and a half years. I haven't changed my phone number so it was easy for him to call. But while I was avoiding the phone; I thought to myself even if I had a different phone number and I live in a different place it would be really easy for him to find me. He knows some of the same people I know, he knows where I work, he knows where my parents live, he knows my car. Hell, all he needed to do was go to my old apartment complex and ask my old landlords where I was b/c they knew us really well. They would happily given up the information. I hate that. That's reason enough to move to Timbuk 2 if I have to.

I know, I know, Shut up......

I know, its been freaking forever since my last entry. But I can't help it my life is boring. That is not my fault, this event nothing to do with me.


I figure that since I'm currently incapable of completing a coherent though. Here are just a few random tidbits that I will give brief comments on.

1. I don't know if you all have seen the recent pictures of Beyonce and Jay-z in Europe recently. You probably haven't since I assume you all have lives. I went chatting on a community where several people discussing this very photo, and more than one mentioned how on earth someone can let their butt get that big. I'm not gonna front, my butt looks exactly like that with tight jeans on, so I know these anorexic bitches are saying the same shit about me. But ladies and gentleman, let me present the picture to you that has scared me into 6:00 a.m. spin classes.






yup, that's trina. I had a shot that was straight on her butt, but I'm still learning how to work photobucket, and she's not being very nice to me.

Anyhoo, I have been fooled along with the nation apparently into thinking that Trina had a cute shape. She sure thinks she has a cute shape that's why she's not wincing and covering herself with her hands. And, ladies and gentlemen especially anorexic white girls. That's what a big ass looks like.

2. The media is bullshit, people. All of its lies!!! So what else is new. Well, along with my several internet sources, I actually found out how old Destiny's Child really is. I'm not going to bust them out here; or "diss them on the internet" as beyonce once wrote. But everybody in the industry lies about their age, not just shave a couple of years off. A lot. There's a little child on the inside going "oooh, I'm tellin."

3. Laguna Beach, has literally taken over my life. I don't know what I will do with myself when this season ends.

4. So has Breaking Bonaduce.

5. I think I have finally kicked my light skinned men obsession. (Modern Temptress stop laughing), no seriously. Back in the day, I would not even talk to dude unless he was light skinned. Now I think a lot of them are gay.

6. My mini-obsession with Drew is over, very very over. He's still a friend, but his "I'm trying to remain mysterious" act is annoying as shit. I cussed him out the other day because I thought he was talking shit about me, but turns out he was talking about someone else. I kind of knew it when I was cussing, so I think that anger came from another place. Rejection...or perhaps unwavering bitterness.

7. Last, but not least. I have recently been infected with the college football bug. I started watching it b/c a couple of my friends are boys and they watch it, but I have to say I'm hooked. For you men who want your women to join you during the game; try explaining it to them. Women will not be drawn to what they cannot understand. You can quote me. I predict USC and Florida state for the Rose Bowl by the way

I heart LA

I know its been freaking forever since I've posted, but I have been out of town on vacation. My sleep schedule is all fucked up and I'm still tired, but it was fun though. I went to LA by the way.

Umm lets see, what do I need to cover. Celebrity sightings, cultural differences, and traffic. Oh, we also need to touch on how much people tend to really start hating their lives when they come back from vacation. Yippee!! let's begin.

Celebrity Sightings
Actual paparazzi encounter with Matthew Fox, aka dude from lost, aka old dude from Party of Five, or this dude. There were literally cameras following him the entire time we were in the airport, and no one gave a shit. I had to give synopsis to at least 3 people who didn't know he was a celebrity, let alone what show he's on.
I also saw this girl. It was one of those, I know that girl from somewhere moments as opposed to what movie did she play in moments. No, no camera's were following her or anything, she was in front of me at LAX. Only reason I remembered her face is because I sat through a one torture filled hour of I heart Hucakbees, one of the shittiest movies ever made. She saw me look at her and smiled, she probably thought I recognized her but honestly I had no idea who she was. Desperate.
What fascinated me the most about LA is that its really easy to spot an actress. Even if you don't know who the fuck they are. Most actresses are really short. Most women there are really short I noticed. I'm only about 5"7, 5"8 and I came home and I swear I think I grew an inch. Also, people in LA are not as skinny as you think they are, only the actresses. They don't even look real they're so skinny. I believe if I did and 8-ball every day of my life for the next year I couldn't be that skinny. But they are.
All the men are in shape, too; even the old ones. Its not like here, men make the time and the money to get to that gym. Not saying the south should be like the west, but I just finished a 2-hour discussion about the different varieties available for buffalo wings.

Cultural Differences/Traffic
I was born in a big city, so its not a big culture shock. The biggest culture shock is how confusing that damn city is, its like a maze. You have to get on the highway to take out your garbage. And if you haven't lived there for one hundred years, you'll still get lost. And when you get lost, you can be 5 minutes down the road and you think you accidentally wandered off to Mexico somewhere. No offense to the Latinos, but some of you mother fuckers need to pick up an English dictionary once in a while to help a sista out when they take a wrong turn.
As a result, I understand why people don't go anywhere unless they have to.
Oh, yeah. You don't eat when you're there. I was so busy being on the 15 east instead of the 91 west or whatever the thousand highways I'm supposed to be on, that I didn't think about eating. Plus your scared to death to pull off the highway to get something to eat, or you end up in Oregon somewhere when you get back on it.

Why we hate our lives after vacation
Nobody likes going to work after vacation, no one. So when you come from a major city where you always have something to do, always have a destination to reach, always running into different types of people, constantly learing about opportunities to build your career to coming home to a 2-hour in depth discussion about buffalo wings, you realize shit is a little different. The only reason I wanted to come home was my skin was acting crazy and I was out of Retin-A.
All in all, I had fun. This is my third time visiting LA and I actually got a real feel of what the city is about, I had a hotel and a car so I didn't have to depend on nobody. And my company was great, so I couldn't complain. Now I need to work on getting a car with a GPS system.

The Ugly Day

Im having an ugly day, or rather an ugly week. I believe its karma or God's little way of keeping me humble. It seems like literally the minute, that I start to accept how I am and work with what I have, someone comes along and subtley reminds me ,"umm, no you need to do a little better than that."

For example, I haven't lost any weight but I haven't really gained any in the last two months. The miraculous 13 pound weight loss that I had last year is creeping up, 7 lbs. and counting. I honestly don't even care. I'm not going through all that shit again eating healthy choice meals and all that damn running. Just to gain it right back again when I take a day off? Fuck that. Neeedless to say, I haven't been exactly lazy, but I've gone on what I like to call a reverse psychological low-self esteem infused exercise strike, translated into "I ain't got nobody anyway, so what am I doing all this shit for." My only motivation for exercising now is so I won't se my gut hanging over my pants, a motivation that is becoming less and less vital to me every day as I exist with my persistent singleness.

My workouts have dwindled down into occasional yoga and Carmen Electra cardio striptease DVD's (which are great by the way), and I'm kind of like, whatever I'll watch what I eat to overcompensate the laziness, which is what I've been doing. I thought my plan was working out very well until my friend came by to use my computer. (I'm bloated anyway b/c its that time of the month and I just gotten through drinking a liter bottle of water, I know excuses, excuses). I was leaned over in my chair and he looked at me and said, "dang, what happened." Here we go again, one paycheck away from starting the coke habit...

I have two gripes about this story. The first being, why do people feel the need to tell me the truth all the damn time. Why? Why can't people just lie to me to appease my feelings? Why not? I do it to them. My life would be so much easier if people just constantly told me how pretty and skinny I am. I swear to God, when I put hours into planning an outfit and think it looks good, its like motherfuckers are lining up around the block to tell me how godawful I look. True enough the ensemble may be ugly, but can I have time to look back on it and reflect on it being ugly a couple of years down the line myself? If someone is feeling good about themselves, I don't ruin their fun, I lie to them and talk about them behind their backs like a real friend should.

Two. I always said that I would work out to the point where I am satisfied, and I wasn't doing that shit anymore. I'll starve myself or take diet pills or something, becuase honestly is hard as hell to lose weight and its even harder to maintain it once you lose it. And it's miserable existence, if I want a cheesburger at 2:00 in the morning I want to eat a damn cheesburger. Then I want to go to sleep. I don't want to bust my ass in the gym every day because its boring and I sweat out my perm. I know, that I need not think that way and work out for health reasons but fuck it, I got a check-up a month ago and I'm healthy, but I don't want to have two stomachs either.

I guess since I want to be an actress, I just need to put the braids in my head, shut up and run because there is no other option but to be in shape. But seriously, these fat people seem awfully happy, maybe there a method to their madness. Or maybe they just have really good friends who do the right thing and lie about them not being that big, hmm..

VMA's: I know I'm late.

I know I'm late with my view on the VMA's but I've been having issues lately okay

I know you all saw the VMAs last week, and yes Diddy, or Shiddy as I like to call him hosted the event and he was terrible. Did you seriously expect anything better? My question is why is this man still famous, seriously. Nobody likes him. He had some recognition before as a record producer, but now he's just famous because he throws a lot of parties. He has that Sean John line, but I don't think anybody wears Sean John anymore. He has Making the Band, but...that doesn't really say much now does it. I felt sorry for the white people there. I knew when he brought Luke and his dancers out on stage, or Uncle Luke as he is known by now; that the worst was yet to come.

I have to come to the conclusion recently that I hate Ciara. She is the living breathing reason of what is wrong with music now. You take a regular looking girl, slap some long european weave into her hair, give her some catchy ass songs that feature established highly recogizable artists and Bam!!! You have an instant star. Her A&R knew something was terribly wrong when Missy and Luda on her second and third singles. I'm not hating at all, but my non-dancing, non-singing ass could have come out singing 1,2 Step and I would be on a song with Bow Wow right now. Not that I would want to be with Bow Wow, but trust me that boy about 5"3, she don't wanna be with him either.
Oh yeah, what put Ciara over the top is that she can dance. If you think about it there are not that many females that come out very often that can pop it like she can. She better get used to it, the clock is ticking on her, her next album will be shit, and she will be holding up a sign standing next to Ginuine that says "Will pop it for food."

Its also gotten to the point when Destiny's Child's name is mentioned for an award they only show Beyonce's face. I know that Beyonce's the star and everything but I mean damn, they all sang on the song, they all were in the video can we at least get a little peripheral vision going on? The only time they show Kelly and Michelle is when Beyonce is talking to them. Michelle even got a gap endorsement bless her "fucked up nose" little heart. But nooo, the nominee is "Lose my Breath" by Destiny's Child, cut to a fake surprise Beyonce reaction shot. I guess nobody makes a big deal about mentioning the other two anymore, and I guess they're used to it.

Jessica Simpson was extremely coked out on stage and looked like a hooker. I just had to point that out. Nobody said anything.

(Sidebar:They should really stop publishing these stars' diet secrets and exercise tips in the magazines. Its false advertising. All these bitches stay skinny through coke and or cigarettes, all of them, period. Even some of the white girls you know)

Other highlights

-Alicia Keys looked really pretty, I wonder does ProActiv really work.

-Even though Mariah Carey is psycho, I'm glad she's doing well. She can sing and sells records even though she looks like a drag queen. The back of her dress was open during her performance.

-Green day has a really good album, they deserve every award they get.

-I'm glad Kelly Clarkson beat Gwen Stefani, I like them both, but I have a soft spot in my heart for Kelly because she can blow.

-She has also recently become my fitness inspiration because that bitch got in shape, for real.

-Usher looked mildly borderline semi-attractive for once.


Lowlights

-Sadly, the BET awards were far more entertaining. MTV tries way too hard to be cutting edge and they shouldn't. Just show Laguna Beach all day long, you'll be fine.

-I think the Ciara/Bow Wow thing is front because Ciara is really dating Missy. Did you see the way Missy was looking at her when she held her hand on stage? Like she was a steak dinner. There have always been rumors that Missy sleeps with the girls that she "works with", i.e. Tweet, Trina, Nicole Ray and I'm sorry, but Aaliyah has been mentioned, too.

-It was too damn long, shit 3 hours plus and they passed out awards before the show. MTV, you want to be cutting edge, shorten your shit.

-All of the celebrities in the audience looked pissed off.

- Hilary Duff needs to eat.

-Puffy's career is way over; even more than I thought it was. And I love Biggie and all but did he have to have his umpteenth tribute to him for a segment that was way over the top? This is now officially exploitation. His next step is broadcasting him trying to bring Biggie back from the dead.

Say a prayer....

Say a small prayer for the Hurricane Katrina victims in New Orleans and the surrounding areas. I don't live very far from there and its even worse than it is on the news. Say an even bigger prayer for the religious assholes named Columbia Christians for Life who said that this event took place to prevent Southern Decadence (aka Gay Pride New Orleans) from taking place this weekend. And last but not least, pray for George W., for reasons that cannot even fit on this page.

You can donate online to this address,

Its real fast and easy, I did it!!!!

Drew, part deux

Before you begin reading,nothing has happened b/w me and Drew and nothing will happen so if your not interested anymore its best to quit reading now. I refuse to besmirch the classic idea that is Carrie Bradshaw's sex column from Sex and the city, and renounce its legacy by turning it into some cheesy "single and desperate" sex blog.

Usually when I say nothing is going to happen between myself and a certain person I'm usually lying, so I'm really scaring myself. But I'm really going to stick to my guns because I would lose a lot of respect for myself if I slept with that boy. That would be seriously awkward.

I was watching Real Sex late last night and they were interviewing a porn star. One of the questions that they asked her was if she was easy. She said slutty, not easy. The difference is you have to work a little to get her into bed but she won't sleep with just anyone. God help me, I was thinking the same thing that she just said out loud. I need to just go ahead and admit that to myself and stop acting like something isn't wrong with me...taking a breath....

I'm Slutty

exhale

Lust is a very horrible yet complex thing, and it is probably the only thing that I do that gets me in trouble. Its probably the only thing that I have the balls to act on to satisfy my own morbid curiosity. Moving along. I will now field some questions from the floor.

Is Drew fine?
No, not all.

Is he at least attractive?
Sure, I guess. Definitely not ugly. I never really thought about it before.

Does he have a nice body?
nope.
In his defense, he's working on that.

Is he sexy?
nope.

Well...what exactly do you see him?
Hmm...that's a good question. Lust is blind.

I guess the factor that ropes me in is he has the ability to keep that part of his life so damn private. Men usually can't shut up about their sex lives if their getting some, and if they're not bringing it up they find some way to work it back into the conversation. I didn't even know Drew had sex until a week ago, and he does, quite a bit. That's hot.

Drew

I stumbled upon a little (by little I mean big) revelation in my further understanding of men this past weekend. I believe that this a key factor in my succession of dysfunctional relationships. I'm glad that I am exposed to this now; so that I may stop before things get out of control for a change.

STORY ALERT
STORY ALERT

So I've been friends with this guy for about 3 years. Let's call him...hmm...Drew. Drew and I seriously have been nothing more than friends, nothing even remotely close to anything affectionate has crossed my mind, ever. Just want to make that clear. Its just that type of person he is, he's not the type to make you feel like he's imagining you naked when you're around him. I have never lusted for Drew, he's always been the most perfect gentleman, very intelligent, in law school, never hesitates to give you anything you ask for. 3 years. Nothing.

There was a BBQ at my friend's house this past weekend. We were chilling and eating some chicken,turkey burgers, and having a couple of beers. So one of our other friends stops by and accompanying her is about a liter of vodka. We get this bright idea to play drinking games. Half a liter of vodka later, we are all talking about sex in very graphic detail. Basically up to this point, Drew had probably been the most asexual person I had ever met. He was going on about the things he had done to his ex-girlfriend and the girl he was currently screwing and we were all in slack-jawed shock. I'm still in shock.

He never said anything nasty to me persay, but he seems different now, weird. Did this in some sick, depraved way turn me on? If it did, it is because it has been a very long well executed effort to conceal his freaky side. He says after he sobered up; that the only reason I was in such shock is because I have never heard him talk like that. Umm, duh.... He also said that no matter whatever dude you are, its amazing how girls change their behavior towards you when they find out you're a freak.

Shit, he's right

Needless to say its been weird, at least for me. He looks at me with this look that says, "I know what you're thinking about what I said and I know you want to find out if its true." Dammit!!! he's right. The statements that he made were made with such a cavalier attitude, so calm, with such ease. I believe that's what shocked the hell out of me more than anything, he wasn't lying. Three years, I've known this boy and he might as well be gay to me. He makes one damn remark about eating pussy and I'm looking at him sideways out the corner of my eye.

I AM A DEPRAVED, SICK, DISTURBED, DEGENERATE INDIVIDUAL AND I NEED SERIOUS PHYCHOLOGICAL OBSERVATION.

I believe that the moral of the story is some men have us figured out more that what we are led to believe. There are perfectly polite, upstanding young men who do exist who you probably know and are friends with; you just don't care about them until you find out they're a freak. And, no I am not going to act on my curiosity because I still actually want to keep the actual few male friends that I have.

So if you will excuse me, Drew is walking by and I need to hurry up and hike my skirt.

Yet another self-realization post...

This bitch was 19 when she had this body. How come nobody drove my fat ass to the gym when I was 19.


I remember when I was in junior high/high school. I was never the one to care about wearing makeup, getting my hair done was a necessity more than a privledge, and the clothing items that I desired were a brand new pair of tennis shoes or a nike jogging suit from the boys' department at some store. I have always been kind of a tomboy, but I have never been a girly-girl at all. I never even carried a purse until my 20's.

My first year of college I was in for the shock of my life. Freshman girls were walking around in full faces of makeup, heels, hair done, with their cute purses, and (gulp) dressy clothes. Here I am unpacking my thousandth nike sweatshirt with matching tennis shoes, and I'm sitting here thinking I was the shit. My how times have changed; but not in the way that you think.

I still am not a big fan of dressing up, but I own more girly clothes now so that people won't think I'm a lesbian. I'm not a big shoe person, I usually rotate between three pairs of flip flops, and on the weekends, nikes. I have spent hundreds of dollars on expensive shoes that I didn't even know I still own. After many painful nights going to the club in heels, I have discovered that I hate them because I have flat long feet and heels are not exactly fun time at the park for me. I do spend a lot of money of purses though, unfortunately.

What sparks this yet another self-realization post is that I was in to the restaurant and they're were a group of young white girls. It was about 8 of them, and the only reason that you could tell them apart is their different hair lengths and heights, and I swear to god these bitches are getting smaller. All of these hoes had platinum blonde hair, cute little flirty feminine outfits, and they all look to be size 0's. I believe that a lot of young white women are natrually lower in mass anyway due to lack of ass tissue, but these bitches had eating disorders. All of them. They all had muscular legs, which usually means they run to stay skinny.

What has drastically changed about our society within the last 9-10 years that young people are encouraged to take of themselves. I wasn't. More importantly, why the hell did my parents let me go out the house looking like that? I didn't know I like shit. Nobody really even told me how bad I which means they were probably used to it. I guess I was too busy experimenting with my own fashion disasters thinking that I was being stylish or original, as opposed to trifling which is the reality of how I actually looked.

So I would like to take this opportunity to thank my mother and father for letting me go out the house looking questionable at best, because if they hadn't I would not have experienced the trials and tribualtions such as the reality that I will always have trouble finding a pair of pants that fit my waist, dresses that don't make me look like I weigh 200 pounds at the bottom, as well as the harsh reality that when you wear a size 10 shoe, finding a cute pair on sale is pretty much a lost cause.

Wackers

So I went to the club this past weekend and I wonder is there is something seriously wrong if you are there taking notes instead of dancing. I swear, I was so entertained by the amount of activity that was going on around me that I wasn't even concerned that much about dancing or drinking. I was too busy taking mental notes.

I don't know how true this is in the north, but in the south there are large subspecies of humans that I call wackers. Wackers is an anagram for "wack ass crackers". A good example, is Kevin Federline, Britney Spears current husband. He is a wacker.


Imagine a white boy with a really thick country accent, who speaks like a ghetto black male, that puts a shitload of gel in their straight hair to make it look like have waves, they have five or six earrings in on ear, and they wear baggy clothes. There are a lot of them where I live, and they all gather in the club, their natrual habitat. They are usually referred to as wiggers(does anybody say that anymore), white boys trying to act black, or ghetto ass country redneck looking motherfuckers. I usually use the ladder, but sometimes its a mouthful.

Here are some more species that I took note of my night out.
1. Supposers
The semi-opposite of wackers. Also, the black equivalent of the white term "poser." They are black males who wear urban clothing and speak urban language, but are usually accompanied by a group of wackers and chase after white girls with no booty.

2. Trippers
White girls with absolutely no ass, that get on the floor and try to pop it like a stripper. Correction, a black stripper. At one point, I saw one get on top of the bar and start doing the splits while she tried to pop her ass. The wackers were trying to put dollars her jeans. I call them trippers because if they really think they can pop it like those girls at Strokers in Atlanta, they are trippin'.

3. The Thirsties
Lord knows I understand why some people are desperate, men and women. Its hard out there. But for the life of me, I don't understand that there are some people who are destined to meet their future wife or husband at the club. On several occasions, my friend and I were stalked by some desperate ass male who beleived that if he followed us around all night that she or I would give them our phone number. The night actually ended for me with a cussout when two asshole foreign men who were pulling me by my arm out the women's restroom. If a start a conversation with you with the words, "Look, I am trying to be nice.." Just walk away, you will be unscathed.

Honorable mentions include, men who bring their girlfriends to the club (don't get it), short men (I am only 5"7 and I had on flip-flops, if you're shorter than that then don't talk to me), ghetto men who come to the club actively seek the first black girl that they see, and unattractive slash dumb men (if I can't get with you by superficiality alone, you better have a little something extra that keeps me interested.)

Laguna Beach

Its must be a sad, depressing time in my life that I am posting about Laguna Beach, but I am so bring on the zoloft.

For those of you who have a life, I'll give a brief synopsis as to what Laguna Beach is. Laguna Beach is a reality show on MTV about rich white high school kids who live in a picturesque town in Orange County. Its carries the tagline, the real Orange County. The show started as a love triangle between Stephen, Lauren-his best friend who wants him, and Kristen-the bitchy girl he's obsessed with. That was last season, this season the same storyline carries over but they have new characters. The new big story is Jessica, who is Kristen's best friend is dating Jason, the "bad boy" who could or could not be cheating on her with Alex. Alex and Jessica hate each other, and Jessica's friends keep telling her how stupid she is for being with Jason in the first place.

I hate myself a just a little more everytime I admit I watch this show.
My IQ points drop when I recite the plotlines.
I realize that I need to be committed when I admit I'm borderline obsessed.

These kids are in high school. Seniors in high school at that. That means they're 17-18. At this age, they have probably lived a life that far surpasses mine. This show also realize how much I hated high school. I mean I hated high school. If someone asked me what general time of in my life do I never talk about, I believe I would have to say high school. Its all black. Why do you ask? No one really liked me in high school. I'm suprisingly not bitter about that, its just the truth. With the exception of my best friend, moderntemptress over there, and one other girl you be hard pressed to find anyone in my graduating class who knows my name.

Before you ask, I wasn't a weirdo, at least I don't think I was; nor was I a bitch. Just quiet most of the time, and my parents were strict so I wasn't allowed to go out or date. That didn't help matters at all. In retrospect, maybe I was a little socially awkward...that and the girls at my all girls catholic school were bitches. I digress...

Like I was saying before, the main character Kristen, is a superbitch. I mean she was bitchy last season, but now she's unbearable. She's such a bitch that she only has ugly friends. You know those are the only type who can stand being around people like that. The last episode I saw, she took one of her especially unattractive friends to Dave and Buster's on the condition that she gets one guys' number. That was one of the saddest things I've ever seen on tv. You can tell that people in her that town look at her as Kristen's ugly friend. Her other friend, Jessica, the one who's dating the man whore, Jason, is not really ugly, but you can tell that when her and Kristen go out, all the cute men come up to Kristen instead of her. Been there.

STORY ALERT
STORY ALERT

The only place I really went out to in high school was the mall, and I went out with my friend Tamika. Tamika was one of those girls who always had a boyfriend. That bitch always had a boyfriend. But honestly, (Tamika, I love you girl) much like Kristen, she wasn't that cute, all the dudes just wanted her because she had really long hair and light eyes. Me at that time, with my super thick plastic glasses, unstylish and ugly boy clothes, didn't really fit me (can we say karl Kani?), my obivious overwhelming self-consciousness, no makeup skills as well as complete inability to flirt; its a wonder why they weren't lined up around the corner.

Well, how have things changed you ask?
1. I believe if I was in high school now I probably be fighting a lot.

2. Some advice for you low self-esteem girls, pulling a man has absolutely, repeat absolutely have nothing to do with looks. Once I figured that out, sex was a lot easier to get. Hell, I flipped off a "propositing gentleman caller" at the gas station this morning and I didn't even turn my head to look at him.

3. The best way to react to a bitch, is not to. Bitches are bitches because they thrive on getting a reaction out of you, and nothing pisses them off more when you're either not (a)listening to them or (b) so self-involved your damn self that you physically cannot pay attention to anyone else.

4. I get what my parents said about dating and going out being overrated its only truly fun when you're not supposed to be doing it.

and yes,

5. Me and Tamika went out again, about 2 years ago. I believe I got 4 numbers in a three hour time span as well, as one while sitting right next to her, hmm...how things change.

Movie Review: Hustle and Flow

So I went to see Hustle and Flow last night, alone, because my friends, (the black ones mind you) deemed it too ghetto and I was on my own with this one. Its so funny because if the love of my life, Terrence Howard, was not in this, I would have been the first person screaming out how they are not watching that ghetto shit. I had heard that this movie is the first movie to get offered a distribution deal at Sundance, the whitest film festival on earth, and I had heard really good buzz on Terrence Howard's performance. One of the very few actors, this club including Johnny Depp, that is such a good actor, that he is good in a shitty movie. Needless to say, I believed and I ventured to the theatre by myself. Thank God, the movie was great.

The way the movie is marketed, it is seen as another "black people making their way coming out the ghetto" film, and it is, but they should have tailored their strategy a little to make it a little more targeted to everyone, like persay monster's ball (which by the way is a far less superior film, to say the least). This movie showed me exactly what's wrong with other ghetto black films. First of all, its authentic. It takes place in Memphis, and its actually filmed in Memphis. I'm tired seeing stuff supposedly filed in New York, LA, and Chicago, but yet you see hardly any people walking around and there is that needle looking building in the background that I always see that tips off that its filmed in Vancouver somewhere. Secondly, the acting is great. They actors actually sound like they live in Memphis, not some forced accent that they made up as they occasionally slip back into their bad diction (i.e. J-lo in Angel Eyes). Lastly, and most importantly the characters are not dumb. Even the characters that are supposed to be dumb are not dumb. Their not rocket scientists either, they're human. The way that real people would act in that situation. Add in a good plot, good writing, and of course, my baby daddy Terrence, you got probably the best movie I have seen this year.

Now I must comment, on the actual movie watching experience. Like I said before, its a black movie, so the actual audience is just as eventful as the movie itself.

1. I went to see this movie at 9:40 on a Sunday, and there were still a assload of kids. not teenagers mind you, kids. A woman was sitting behind me with a girl and a boy who probably had a combined age of 5. The girl was sick because the woman kept asking her did she need to throw up and kept getting up to take her to the bathroom. The little boy kept repeating everything he saw on the screen, not every line, just the punchlines with the cussing in it.

2. Like I said, it was 9:40 and there were people still arriving in at 10:30.

3. When parts of the movie didn't have that much dialogue took place, it became so loud in the theatre it sounded like a concert waiting to begin.

4. Also, when the characters were silent, there were random moments when the audience would comment what the characters were thinking. For example, there is a part where the lead character is trying to get one of his girls to sing louder, and a boy shouts "sing the song, the way I told you to sing it, anna mae".


5. Its not as horrible as I'm describing. Hell, I could have went on a Friday night.

Ugly vs. Ugly

I have acquired a new pet peeve over the past few months, and I notice this actual act happens quite frequently. Ugly people who call other people ugly.

Before I explain myself, let me first start off by saying that I think that the concept of ugly is relative. One person may see another as ugly, while another may see them as attractive. Or a very attractive person, once you get to know them may become ugly. Or vice versa. I personally like to call people ugly who are physically unattractive who believe that they are very attractive, or people who are ugly who have really nasty attitudes to go along with that. Hence ugly, mental and physical. I now proceed..

Attention whore at my part time seriously looks like a drag queen. Her weave ponytail is in place everyday, and in the 9 months I have been working there, I have never, ever, seen her without makeup. Not only does she wear makeup everyday, she wears the same color makeup everyday. As an eye makeup connoisseur, that annoys me. I believe that she thinks that she falls into the attractive category because she dresses up everyday and has a husband. Not only that, she has what I call the fat woman's attitude. An example, "I gonna eat whatever I want, If I'm big, I'm just big." End quote. (I could wax poetic about how I hate fat woman's attitude, but that's another post) She called somebody ugly... I take that back, she called someone who is more attractive than her ugly...I correct myself again...she made fun of them mercilessly as I watched in horror and disbelief.

Yes, I know that it is a defense mechanism because she's insecure, blah, blah. That rule don't apply to black folks. Well, at least not the trifling ones. She thinks she looks good. Not a I'm confident in myself good, like I'm the popular, hot girl in high school good. Just because you have your weave and makeup on, doesn't make you fine. She annoys me in the most fascinating way.

Another girl at my other job did the same thing. I wouldn't classify her as ugly, but the girl she was making fun of looks better than her.

I blame men, these trifling and desperate men are so happy to have someone, anyone willingly laying in their bed, that they lie to these women and tell them that they're the most beautiful thing alive. Its good to make your woman feel good about themselves, but keep it real. I guess that's why I will always range from humility to unwavering bitterness because I have never been around any men who lied to me like that, including my father. They have always reminded me of my strengths, but reminded me even more or my weaknesses.

Now, if I was with someone who actually told me I was beautiful, I would say its too late now. You're in store for a lifetime of insecurity or a false since of security. That's right, every quip or statement that I make regarding my strong sense of self or my solid upbringing will be a complete and utter lie. I hope your ready, if not you need to go get you a self-confident fat chick.

The Trifles...

I am writing a preface now because I don't want anybody stealing my ideas. I don't know the exact details of the copywrighting process, so I am just going to say now that this is etched in stone and no one needs to steal my shit, and if somebody from Saturday night live is reading this feel free to steal it because you all need some major writing help.

I came up with a SNL sketch idea this past week. This sketch is based on a family called The Trifles. The Trifles is a shortened version of their given name, Trifling. There is mom and pop trifiling, the kids, the little triflings, and last but not least, crazy drunk uncle trifling.

This idea stemmed from events that I have experienced over the past week that involved a collective group of people talking out of their ass. Its a long story, but I'll make it very brief being that my hands are tired and I need to save some material for the movie.

Today 9:00 a.m.
There is a woman at my part time job who is a complete and total attention whore. She's also one of those women who realized one day that she is a uber-bitch and needs to start acting nice because people are starting to catch on and she cannot take advantage of them like she wants to. She's also is one of those bitches who tries to get everyone to like her and see how wonderful she is only so she can proceed to use them to get what she wants. No, to answer your question she is not Jennifer Lopez. A classic moment of hers is when she initiated the collection of her own wedding gift from the people at work...no I'm being too nice....She bullied someone else into taking a collection of her wedding gift. Only half of the office gave money, so the girl felt so bad about it she chipped in a substantial amount of her own cash to get her something worthwhile. She still doesn't know why she did that. I told her to keep it quiet just in case a cussing out erupts and this information is necessary.

This woman is so hell bent on being the topic of conversation at all times that she called work on a day that she was out "sick", to tell us that she was taking a pregnancy test. This information wasn't probed mind you, it was offered voluntarily. I believe she wanted everyone to get excited about the fact that she might possibly be pregnant. She wasn't even at work today. That is some sick shit.

Monday 11:00
I am supposed to be taking a trip to Cali next week. The only real reason I am going this early is because (1)I made a promise to my newly relocated cousin that I would be there that week. (2) There is a family reunion that week, and although I hate family reunions with a fiery burning passion in my soul, there are some people who may be there who I would like to see. So I scrimp and save to buy a plane ticket that is really overpriced. So, somebody needs to be making up my place to sleep and taking off work to pick me up from the airport.
"Hey, I'm coming out soon!!"
"cool. We're about to move to our new place. When are you coming?"
"next friday."
silence
"hello?"
"uhhh, well what hotel are you staying at?"
"well, no hotel, I can't really afford this trip unless I stay with someone."
"Did you buy your ticket?"
"no but its on reserve because the money goes into my account tonight."
"well, let me talk to some folks and I'll call you back"

2 days later. Nothing.

Cousin #2
"hey, I'm coming out next week?"
"oh, for the reunion?"
"yep, hey listen, the person that I was staying with is being kind of sketchy for some reason, is it all right if stay there for a couple of days?"

silence
"well, I guess, but I'll let you know for sure later."
"okay, bye"

So I call my parents and tell them I'm not going.

I don't really blame either of my cousins for their unenthusiastic lack of hospitality, but damn, let someone know ahead of time.How hard is it to say, "Dude, you can't stay with me too much drama." Its not that hard and Thank God I'm not trifiling, because if I was I would be seriously pissed off if someone told me that.
As far as attention whore, well, I'm pretty sure she's not pregnant because I haven't seen or heard a marching band come through our office. Plus, like myself, she's vein. And us, vein folks always use some sort of birth control. I hope she catches on that we all got her pretty much figured out. She really thinks that she is loved by all. If she only knew that if she actually was with child, the topic of conversation would not necessarily be the sex of the baby, but it would be if the baby would wear as much makeup as her.

What constitues the other woman?

What exactly are the qualities that are necessary to be the other woman? What qualities are needed to be the actual girlfriend as opposed to the other woman aka side dish, jump-off, bitch. I don't get it. I ask this question because I believe that I have the qualities to make to make a good girlfriend. I work hard, I have no kids, I am somewhat emotionally stable, and I am pretty non-confrontational. I want my Beyonce/Jay-Z moment in the sun, too.

I ask this question because I'll be honest, I've been the other woman a lot. Now I know that's trifing as hell, but none of these instances have been my fault. These men I thought were interested in getting to know me actually were only interested in something else, and they never told me that they have girlfriends at home.

I believe the beginning of the end for me was junior year of
college. I had a huge crush on this football player, one of the finest men I have ever seen in my life. So imagine how I felt, when he came over to the desk where I was working to talk to me for the first time. I was over the moon. He came over my room every night for a week to study and watch movies, slept in the same bed and we didn't have sex. Just hung out, it was fun. I thought he was really into me, until he stopped calling me and didn't return my calls. So here I am frantic, and I finally get in touch with him. He proceeds to tell me that the reason he has been avoiding me is because I'm selfish. Selfish? what! yeah, after that I decipher from his words that he's thinks I'm a tease. I'm not gonna lie, I wanted to sleep with him from jump, like I said he was fine, and I could have easily just said you know what don't bother calling ever. But that didn't happen...

I said to him okay. Come over now and I show you that I'm not selfish. Hence my very first booty call. I believe this exact moment that the switch was turned off in my brain that allowed me to have feelings for a guy before I sleep with him. A few twisted months, and booty calls later, I find out that he has had a girlfriend the whole time who I was told that I happen to look similar too. Damn.

Maybe that's it. My ex-boyfriend schooled me a lot before we broke up. Men can pick a freak out of a crowd, and why would they want a girlfriend when they can get just the sex and go home. Maybe its low self-esteem, maybe its high self-esteem, or maybe its just short hair and a big ass. Who knows.

I've always been very honest about how much I love sex, but it seems as if I have always been punished for it. Once the guy gets into his head, hey, she's not doing this just because I want too, she actually likes this. Its all downhill from there, "hey honey, lets go to the movies?" , "okay, I'll be over there midnight or later".

I wonder did Beyonce have to go through crap like this...

The more I think I understand black men, the less I do. I have accepted my utter loneliness and was ready to move on with my life, whenever that happens something comes in an completely throws me for a fucking loop. I wonder if I looked like Beyonce would I have these problems.

So I was sitting at work minding my own business when I get a text message from an area code that I didn't recognize. I'm like, who the hell is this. Which, coincidentally, is exactly what I text back. Turns out to be one of two of the only one night stands that I have ever had in my life. He is contacting me after a year and a half. The back story is I went to visit my cousin in Indiana and I had just a little too much fun that weekend. I don't even remember giving him my phone number. I remember after it was over I was so convinced that it was a one night stand I ran out the door so I didn't have to have an etched memory of his face in my mind. That entire night's events in fact was a plethora of drunken debauchery, its one of those nights that you have that you know no matter how drunk you get now, you know that you couldn't possibly be as drunk as you were then. So I digress...

I was really suprised I remembered his name, and even more surprised that he remembered me. He was really fine.

So, I text back "oh my god".

He texts back, "LOL what"

"I can't believe you remembered me."

"call"

I text "you too".

This is when I start getting the big head.

Brain, says "Damn, that must have been the best sex of his life if he's trying to get in touch with me after a year and a half. I guess I'll call him and give him a thrill."

I'm outside with a bunch of girls so that doesn't help.

Girls, "That must have been the best sex of his life if he's calling you after a year and a half. You need to call him and find out what he's talking about."

"Yeah, I'll wait until 9 though, let him sweat it out."

After sitting in the car staring at my phone for 10+ minutes I call.

"hello?"
"hey"
"do you know who this is?"
"yeah"
"so did you get my number from Walter or something?"
"no I had a list of phone numbers on my e-mail that I found, and you know."
"you know, what.."
"you know, called you."
"oh. so what are you doing now?"
"still going to school. I'm in detroit now"
"so you sure there's no other reason why you called me besides that you found my number and called?"
"yeah"
"oh."
"well, I'm feeling a little under the weather so I'll hit you up later."
"ok."
"bye."

That's it. seriously. Yes, I was waiting for something about best sex of my life, unrequited love, a connection i have with you like have had with no other woman. Nope, he was bored and decided to call me. I don't know why. Its not like we talked that much the last time we saw each other.

Stability Ball

Hah, I finally broke my streak of posting every Tuesday.. I've noticed the last month I've posted every Tuesday, but its Monday and I am posting, so there.

So I was talking with my best friend the other day and she seemed very shocked and appalled by the number of people who have experimented sexually with the same sex. In fact, she was recalling a story about a friend of hers in college who have fooled around with a girl sober. While she was telling me this story over the phone, I can sense the sheer look of terror on her face while she was telling it. She was terrified by the sheer number of people who had done this. I don't blame her for being terrified at all, but what I was shocked by was how different our reactions were. I was kind of like oh, well she fooled around with a girl. She was near fainting. Not her fault, the only reason that she feels this way is because now say with me slowly...

She's in a stable relationship.

Not just a relationship, black people, a stable one. One where you're not cheating on your man or constantly worrying about is he cheating on you even though you still stay with his trifing ass. One where both of you support yourselves, not one carrying the other financially, not one where your argue every single day, and then have make-up sex. Stable, drama queens, stable. He can stay gone all day and he does not have to call you every 5 minutes, his female friend from back in the day is nothing but his female friend, you don't know the password to his voicemail because its his personal business and you don't need it!!

A lot of us don't know what that's like, I sure as hell don't.

When you are in a stable relationship, you actually believe that the single people in the world are not desperate and depraved individuals. We are. You believe that the single people in the world have not done anything out of the ordinary sexually, and if we have we're embarrased to talk about it. We're not. You actually believe that we long for the day to find our future spouse and we will be happy when that day comes. Wrong again. We lost all hope for that long time ago.

Basically the perenially single people in the world like myself, most of us are freaks. We have done some seriously deplorable shit. We did it partially because it was fun, and partially because we know in the back of our minds we have nothing to lose. Keep in mind, I know I'm not as bad as some other people I know. But keep in mind I have only had 2 real boyfriends my entire life.

As far as my views on the experimentation thing, I personally don't see the big deal. If you know you're not gay and you're pretty sure your not going to be anytime soon then what the hell. Don't even get me started on alcohol getting into the mix. It is probably the blame for at least 3/4 of the children in the United States. I don't necessarily know about alcohol inhibiting your judgement or turning you into a different person, but I know when alcohol is involved my body reacts faster than my brain.

So for you single people out there experiment and drink your life away, why not? you ain't got nobody.

For you people in a stable, happy, trusting, and wonderful relationship. Well, I really don't have words to express you right now because this a concept I have yet to comprehend.

I'm gonna be alright

Yup. I believe that this is the pic that started it all. The pic that signaled the actual beginning of me working out. I remember when I saw the I'm gonna be alright video, she was sitting in a lawn chair with a bikini top on, as well as this picture and I thought silently to myself, " Damn, I really need to get my shit together." I really thought that I could look like that. So young, so delusional.

Funny thing is now, I think Jennifer Lopez is one of the most awkardly body shaped women I have ever seen. She has freaky big thighs and bird legs. Dudes always say that "ooh, she fine, ooh she got a nice ass body."
Truth of the matter is when J-ho ain't doing movies, she looks just like you and me. In fact, she looks a little like that bitch Melyssa Ford hoe on BET style.

May I present to you exhibit A:





Black men, I know you are sitting at the computer screen scratching your heads in amazement and you're thinking to yourself, what is possibly wrong with picture? Why is she speaking about this as if it is a negative thing? Well, let me break it down for ya. I will use myself is an example as it was broken down rather blatantly to me about a week ago. I was talking to black man about how I needed to stop eating all this junk and I need to take my fat ass to the gym and get my shit together. He replies, "For what?". I say, "well, I'm really out of shape and its staring to catch up to me."

To which he replies, and I promise I'm not making this up.....
"you don't need to do all that shit. As long as your stomach doesn't stick out more than your ass, you cool."

6 months worth of consistent gym hours completely down the shit hole. No wonder 50% of black women are obese. Shit, the only reason Star Jones lost weight because the doctor told her she was about to die.

Here is the real reason that black women go to the gym. I'm not even going to claim that we work out so that we can look good for ourselves crap because I'll be just as happy eating twinkies playing with fat rolls as I am killing myself unecessarily for 1994 Janet Jackson six pack if I'm by myself. "I'm working out to look good for me." What a bunch of bullshit.

The real reason that we work out is because we want to catch a man. Big shock, huh. Here's the plot twist. We want to have the ability to catch any man, not just a black one. Its a weird affirmation for us. Its also actually very insulting to black men.

If a black man hits on me, I say he must have been looking at my ass. If a white dude looks at me, I say, damn I must be looking good today. White men usually aren't into the big ass thing, so if they hit on you, 9 times out of 10 they are looking at your whole body, not just your ass. Yes, a lot of them are into big boobs, but they won't say anything to you unless your skinny as well. Then you walk around thinking you're the shit. In a nutshell, the whitest white man will not even look in your direction unless your shit is on point... Or if he has some kind of an exotic fetish.