Wanted to make the announcement that I have started working on my first short film. I actually started writing it, still have to do the research on financing and such. But I actually came up with a concept to say the least.
In other news, I'm still to broke to buy lemons from the farmers' market.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
It's official. I'm miserable
So truth be told, I am unbelievably depressed right now. I hate when so much stuff going on that you don't really know where to begin. I'll try to go in order of importance.
I'm having family trouble. I'm actually going to avoid talking about this because I'll start crying.
I hate my job. That's the first time I've actually said it out loud. I'm grateful to have one, but it's demeaning. I'm a recepetionist. Not an office assistant. Not and admin. assistant. A receptionist. I know I want to be an actress and all, but I hate sitting down all day, I hate not doing anything worthwhile. I hate the money. I am completely aware I'm being a total brat, but I don't care. I took this job, truthfully, is because my temp agency has been so good to me since I've been here, I didn't want to disappoint them by leaving this one and taking another. Hence leading to my next point.
I'm too nice. I do things solely not to disappoint other people. God forbid they don't like, or have a less than positive opinion of me, but that's just the way I am. It is something that will have to change. I agreed to be in a wedding this weekend. For a girl I barely know. Why do you ask? Long story short, I was doing a favor for my cousin who also begrudgingly agreed. Plus, I'm bored. Need something to do. Which leads to my next point.
I'm lonely. I used to always make fun of people who say they were lonely, because I felt sorry for people who are not comfortable with themselves. Well, jokes on me now. Its different here, unlike what you see on tv, i.e. Most LA people being single and fabulous, everybody is in a relationship here. And you're weird if you're not. At least that's the way I feel. My cousin, who was supposed to be my roadog, braving Cali together, is pretty much completely devoted to her boyfriend at this point. As well she should be. But she doesn't want to go anywhere unless it has something to do with him and his friends. Me not having a life, just follows along. I'm not a follower. But I slowly feel like I'm becoming one.
The financial difficulty is just the icing on the cake.
My spirit is broken, I need to regroup. I need for it to hit me how I can start living for myself again, and start my way down that path to making it life. I guess you have to feel like this in order to start believing.
I'm having family trouble. I'm actually going to avoid talking about this because I'll start crying.
I hate my job. That's the first time I've actually said it out loud. I'm grateful to have one, but it's demeaning. I'm a recepetionist. Not an office assistant. Not and admin. assistant. A receptionist. I know I want to be an actress and all, but I hate sitting down all day, I hate not doing anything worthwhile. I hate the money. I am completely aware I'm being a total brat, but I don't care. I took this job, truthfully, is because my temp agency has been so good to me since I've been here, I didn't want to disappoint them by leaving this one and taking another. Hence leading to my next point.
I'm too nice. I do things solely not to disappoint other people. God forbid they don't like, or have a less than positive opinion of me, but that's just the way I am. It is something that will have to change. I agreed to be in a wedding this weekend. For a girl I barely know. Why do you ask? Long story short, I was doing a favor for my cousin who also begrudgingly agreed. Plus, I'm bored. Need something to do. Which leads to my next point.
I'm lonely. I used to always make fun of people who say they were lonely, because I felt sorry for people who are not comfortable with themselves. Well, jokes on me now. Its different here, unlike what you see on tv, i.e. Most LA people being single and fabulous, everybody is in a relationship here. And you're weird if you're not. At least that's the way I feel. My cousin, who was supposed to be my roadog, braving Cali together, is pretty much completely devoted to her boyfriend at this point. As well she should be. But she doesn't want to go anywhere unless it has something to do with him and his friends. Me not having a life, just follows along. I'm not a follower. But I slowly feel like I'm becoming one.
The financial difficulty is just the icing on the cake.
My spirit is broken, I need to regroup. I need for it to hit me how I can start living for myself again, and start my way down that path to making it life. I guess you have to feel like this in order to start believing.
Monday, June 18, 2007
The first ever double post...I'm broke/I'm going to be single forever
I don't know if I've ever been that open about my money problems before, but I guess I will now.
I'm broke. Who isn't right? Well, I am included in the most elite of the broke. Summary breakdown of my expenses?
Rent $600
car note $345
insurance $98
I owe the government $500
credit card bills from "emergencies" because I make no money...$1 million dollars.(not really, but close to it).
So I guess I could get a second job right? Wrong, I worked two jobs for three years and it didn't make a dent in my finances. Budget? okay, I have been lately. I made a commitmment to myself that I was going to get my shit together all summer so that I can start acting classes in the fall. Well, considering where I live and all the unexpected things that come up, (i.e. the flat tire I got last week, the $100 I still owe loverboy) its hard to do so.
My job? Pays nothing. I've never made money for real. Ever. As far as a second job, well it took me forever to get this one so I can't imagine getting another one that has to fit into a schedule. I'm not ruling it out completely, but its just I've been there and done that. And the more money you make, the more you spend.
The hard truth? I have been on roughly 15(?) job interviews and my already waning self-esteem was crushed a little with each one. Always the same shit, always the same protocol, always going with a internal candidate making the preparation as well as the trip itself a waste of time.I'm very grateful I can pay(or pay on) my bills, and I see this job as paying my dues and such, but I'm worth a lot more than this. It really disheartens me that I see so many people, people who I'm smarter than, people who don't know the meaning of working hard, get ahead based on the fact that they knew someone, or they just plain got lucky. I am very aware that the world is not fair, but screw that. I'm tired of the world not being fair, and I am so sick of the people who deserve the most getting the shit kicked out of them.
And scene...
Dude I spoke about in my last post? Done.
Summary. Met me for drinks on Sunday. Saw him there drinking, drunk out of his mind. Depressed more than anyone I've ever seen.Turns out the only reason he invited me in the first place is because he needed someone to pay for his drinks. He left his card at another bar. Didn't know this until after I got the bill. He said that he had money at his house and he would follow me to mine to give me the money back. He went in his house. I took off. Haven't seen or heard from him since.
Found out yesterday from his friend that he saw his ex-fiance with another man the day prior to our gathering. And apparently he's suicidal because of it. Not funny, but kinda funny. The bitch in me admits that.
Needless to say, my record remains intact. So girls, if you want to find out if your man is crazy or not, have him around me for about a day. Trust me, its like dracula turning ordinary humans into the undead.
Monday, June 11, 2007
I need some help....
So maybe you all can help me.
I'm seeing someone...blah, blah, I know don't get your panties in an uproar it ain't all that. When I met him, I didn't feel that overwhelming attraction that I usually feel with guys I "like". He said all the right things. I heard from his friends that he was a really good guy. He has a good job, his own place, and no kids. Hallelujah.
The bad. He was engaged 3 months ago. His fiance all but left him at the altar. He's not over it. He drinks everyday. So far in the past 3 weeks I've known him, he's stood me up twice, I had to push him off me on our first outing because he was a little to drunk and got too handsy (for which he slept in the car for), and I actually had to buy drinks yesterday because he got too drunk and lost his credit card. Sounds like a winner, huh.
It's pretty obvious he's not over that girl. It's lonely out here, so I'm trying to be patient as possible. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if i'm going to break up with him via voicemail, passive aggressive not returning phone calls, or tell him straight to his face. I've never dumped someone in their face before. I practiced my speech too, it goes something like this:
"I really like you a lot, so this is really hard for me. But it seems like your head isn't in this. Maybe some other time when you're ready to try this for real."
Sounds good right? I'll keep you posted.
I'm seeing someone...blah, blah, I know don't get your panties in an uproar it ain't all that. When I met him, I didn't feel that overwhelming attraction that I usually feel with guys I "like". He said all the right things. I heard from his friends that he was a really good guy. He has a good job, his own place, and no kids. Hallelujah.
The bad. He was engaged 3 months ago. His fiance all but left him at the altar. He's not over it. He drinks everyday. So far in the past 3 weeks I've known him, he's stood me up twice, I had to push him off me on our first outing because he was a little to drunk and got too handsy (for which he slept in the car for), and I actually had to buy drinks yesterday because he got too drunk and lost his credit card. Sounds like a winner, huh.
It's pretty obvious he's not over that girl. It's lonely out here, so I'm trying to be patient as possible. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if i'm going to break up with him via voicemail, passive aggressive not returning phone calls, or tell him straight to his face. I've never dumped someone in their face before. I practiced my speech too, it goes something like this:
"I really like you a lot, so this is really hard for me. But it seems like your head isn't in this. Maybe some other time when you're ready to try this for real."
Sounds good right? I'll keep you posted.
Friday, June 01, 2007
An All New Random Blog Tidbits Post!!
1. I swear I have gotten so ridiculously vain since I have moved here. I have spent at least the last 7 years not giving a shit about what I look like when I left the house. Now I can barely afford my rent, but my hair and nails are done every week.
2. In, yet another case of my rotten man luck. I met a guy on Saturday. A really nice guy. I never meet nice guys. Ever. It sucks because this one actually had potential. Turns out, he just got of a really bad relationship. Like, girl left him at the altar bad. 3 months ago. Told him to call me when he works through his pain.
3. Loverboy is moving back home. Like out of LA, back to the south home. He says its only for a couple of months, but honestly I don't think he's coming back. Its okay. I figured God gave us enough time for me to live with him, fully understand him, save some money to get my own place, and start my life here. I will always be grateful for what he did for me. But he needs to work out his demons on his own now, or at least with someone else.
4. Loverboy's roomate and I officially hate each other. Not that we didn't before, but Loverboy has to keep us seperated now. Fucking asshole.
2. In, yet another case of my rotten man luck. I met a guy on Saturday. A really nice guy. I never meet nice guys. Ever. It sucks because this one actually had potential. Turns out, he just got of a really bad relationship. Like, girl left him at the altar bad. 3 months ago. Told him to call me when he works through his pain.
3. Loverboy is moving back home. Like out of LA, back to the south home. He says its only for a couple of months, but honestly I don't think he's coming back. Its okay. I figured God gave us enough time for me to live with him, fully understand him, save some money to get my own place, and start my life here. I will always be grateful for what he did for me. But he needs to work out his demons on his own now, or at least with someone else.
4. Loverboy's roomate and I officially hate each other. Not that we didn't before, but Loverboy has to keep us seperated now. Fucking asshole.
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