This is an alternate universe

I'm excited about college football starting up this weekend. Most notably notre dame and georgia tech. Embarrassingly excited.

I "reprimanded" one of my employees yesterday, and didn't feel bad afterwards. (Ok, I did a little bit, but I never questioned if I was right or not, because I knew I was.)

I lost 3 pounds.

I've been "seeing" someone for about 2 weeks and I haven't slept with him yet. Actually haven't kissed him, either.

I don't want to speak too soon but living at home sucks (obviously), but not as hard as I though it would. Should have done it long time ago.

Not saying these are milestones for me, but these are about 4 things that I know I would not have said or did last year. Things can't change in a day, but now you can make the change to start handling them differently, that's what she tells me.

I am definately leaving my job in January. I actually believe myself when I say that now. I'm filling out the leave of absence form today, thank god.

To summarize, I don't feel so much like a walking open wound anymore. The basic emotions are still there, but its not as prevalent as it used to be. What I didn't expect is how much of a struggle it is. I knew that making this change would take this much work, and also how long it would take. But I'm doing it, so I can sleep at night, and feel better about me. Actual me, not just physical me.

**Running off to say personal affirmations now**

Love Letter

It's a hard time for you right now. You've had a difficult past, and now you're on the verge on trying to do something big. You have to overcome your weaknesses and use them to help you grow.

You have to seriously start looking for the good in yourself. You have to find what it is about yourself that you love, because you are very worthy of being loved. If you don't have anyone right now, that's okay because God has already removed the people in your life who didn't deserve you. You deserve to be happy because you've earned it.

In the past, you always felt that you had to please everybody because you felt that everybody loved you, it secured the fact that you were a wonderful person. Everyone does not have to like you, because if they don't, the only reason they talk to you because they think you are easily manipulated. They don't give a shit about the kind of person you are. They are the ones missing out. Everyone loves to pick on a nice person because they think they can't tell anybody no, but you don't need them in your life, you have to realize that. They are not worthy of giving a second thought.

Your past is your past. There are some things in it that you don't like but it made you the person that you are. And that person it patient, genuinely nice, smart, and hard working. You should like this person. She is likeable. You have to believe in yourself. Years ago, you never thought you would make it on your own but you have, you never thought you would have your own life outside of your parents, but you do,
you never thought you would have the balls to move to LA and become an actress but you're going to, you never thought you would be an individual, but you are. Yes, you are different from others, but that's what makes you great, and its going to take a special person to realize that. He'll come into your life, but only when you're ready.

So take this and read it whenever you are down. I know you're down right now, but keep fighting like you have been doing, the fight will be worth it in the end.


To: Me
From: Me

Beyonce is a bitch

Alright, therapy is making some headway. Because guess what, I'm over my Beyonce jealousy!!!

Well, I know you're thinking, if you're so over it then why are you writing about it? Because of so many reasons, I've been so jealous of her since Destiny's Child first came out, I was jealous of her looks, and her "talent". Also, what bothered me so much about her is the fact that she she has always led such a privledged life -- she grew up wealthy, she can actually sing, has a boyfriend with even more money than her, and although not the smartest tool in the shed, she stil seemed genuinely nice. Boy, that was a fucking lie. The bitchiness even comes out in her interviews now. Thank god for the internet, more specifically the comment sections on celebrity sites, because I would be totally naive. I wonder do all these celebrities know that all of their assholishness is fully publicized to the American public, and its come to light that now in the age of internet and fakeness via Paris Hilton, everything that is usually deemed as A-list or successful is completely fake bullshit crafted by publicists and marketing teams. And she my dear, is no different.

As a duty to my American public and myself, I present this little gem I found on imdb.com.

"I work for a popular magazine and have worked on several of Beyonce's photo shoots(as well as those of other big stars)and OMG is she a beyotch! She got one girl fired for bringing her water she said was too cold(although she told us to put it in the freezer because it was really hot at the outdoor shoot). She is soooo stupid that she makes Paris Hilton look like a Rhodes Scholar or a member of MENSA! She grew up wealthy but can't manage to form coherent sentences. One of her slaves/family members always has to translate her gobbledygook into english for us. Did you see her on Punk'd? She thought those poor kids Xmas was ruined and she did not give a flying f@#%! She posed for pics like nothing happened and brushed off the little kid that spoke to her. They finally just ended it because she was so nonchalant about it that it wasn't even entertaining. Trust me-she's fat! We airbrush her like there's no tomorrow. she has so much cellulite and so many discolorations on her skin it's just gross. She recently lost weight and that's good for her but I hope she loses the 'tude as well. By the way-as for her 'incredible body'-can you say..LIPO! We had to airbrush the scars for like an hour! As for the person that said she was shy and quiet when she met her-HA! She just felt you were so beneath her you weren't worth speaking to! She does her best acting in photos and interviews pretending she's not a royal pain in the a$$! She even yells at her cousin who works for(who is nice)-that poor girl is a saint! I hope she gets caught on tape one day showing her TRUE colors so you poor naive suckers can see the truth and stop worshipping this idiot! All her songs are love or sex and half(or more) of them make no sense!(Your sexiness is so appealing I can't let it go?!) She learned a new word-YAAY! Hooked on Phonics might be working for her!"

Yes, this very well may be completely made up. But do you really believe it is?
So bye, bye Beyonce. You're not all that.

Also, check out my best friend's blog. She hates her, too.

I still have issues - the mini-post

Well, so today was the big day. I went to the psychiatrist. I was so excited. I finally get to see someone on a regular basis to talk about my issues, and get some help., blah, blah, blah..

Turns out Tom Cruise may actually be onto something.

I basically paid $100 dollars for someone to tell me that I was in the wrong office. Psychiatrists can write perscriptions, yes, but unfortunately nowadays that's all they do. Its the counselors and the therapists who actually do all the talking and listening i.e. the actual work. Nobody told me this, even the two people who went to see him before who recommmended me to him neglected to tell me this. They're both pretty much addicted to their anti-psychotic medication so I should have known better.

But I haven't given up yet, I did make an appointment with a therapist and I'm determined more now than ever to get my issues straightened out.