Tumultuous Weekend/Day 6-Escape from Hades

I apologize in advance for the length on this post, but in all fairness this shit has happened in a span of 5 days. Its no wonder I have lost 12 pounds, and still counting.

Well, this has indeed been an interesting weekend. Where do I start.

My godmother called to tell me that I am hanging out with my cousin too much and I need to get a life. She said that her boyfriend was going to try to sleep with me and it was going cause a bad situation. She also said that I need to stop turning against my family. It was like my mother was speaking through a ventriloquist's dummy. That was Wednesday.

I called in sick on Thursday so I can go to orientation for Jcrew. I actually was very nervous because I never called in sick before, never had to. I just never had a job where I had to fake sick to get off for something. Its right across the street and if someone happened to be over on their lunch break and they spotted me, my ass was gone. So I wore a hat and sunglasses when I was walking in. Well worth the lie though, for a part time job in a mall, its 10.50 an hour plus benefits, the discount is unreal,after sixty days I get $200 worth of free merchandise, and I love the clothes. Am thinking seriously about quitting here to work full time there. That was Thursday.

I don't remember if I have spoken about the black executive assistant here who I couldn't figure out if I can stand or not. Well, long story short, she asked me to do to call her about something, I got busy doing something else to the point where I couldn't, she got an attitude, I got one right back, so she calls herself giving me the silent treatment. I had trouble figuring out whether I liked her or not anyway, because whenever we were "cool", when she did talk to me, it was always about her, her hair, her 40,000 car, her men, all about her. And you all know, if its one thing I cannot stand its a fucking self-involved attention whore. I guess this means good riddence. That was Friday.

I was over my cousin and her boyfriend's house this past weekend, like I am every weekend. I literally went outside to get groceries, when I came back the police we're there. In a nutshell, and I'm not making this up, my cousin answered his work cell phone because it wouldn't stop ringing, so it might have been an emergency. She told him this very fact, and he went ballistic. To the point where she called 911 on him. I was watching her daughter, trying to get outside to get out all the drama, when he calls me into the room. My cousin has taken his car keys and his ATM card because she doesn't want him to leave. He wants me to get them back. I try to leave, he closes the door. I am scared for her at this point because I know from experience when somebody is that crazy, there is nothing you can do, so I beg her to give him his keys so he can get the fuck out. Her name is on his car, so she refuses. He asks me to drive him to a motel. Keep in mind there is a 3-year child in the next room, who I am trying to keep out of this. I drive him to a hotel. Nothing happens, he is actually very considerate towards me the whole time. My cousin is a wreck, and I took care of her the rest of the weekend. That was Saturday.

Went to church, it was great. Realized that a lot of things in my life sort of slid downwards when I stopped going to church. My poor cousin, it was like the pastor was speaking to her. She is being strong, I offered to leave early, so she can have time to herself. That was Sunday.

Final thoughts? The boyfriend is unstable as hell. Not this first time he's gone off that way. It's easy to just say that I see it because I'm around so much, but the first time I ever met him, and came to visit them when they used to live in Indiana, he blew up like that. Its always over something trivial, always. Its easy to say I'm leaving when you don't have any kids together, but when you do and they actually love their father, its harder to say peace out. He's not going anywhere. I love my cousin dearly, she's the sweetest person in the world, but there is no way in hell I would be with someone who gets angry like that out of nowhere.

As far as the job stuff? I am praying for a better one as we speak. Even though I'm just a receptionist, the corporate world is not for me. I loathe it, and I feel in my gut the end is near whether I want it to be or not.

God this is long. I am so sorry.

Day 1 -- The Escape from Hades

I actually got to go home this weekend, thank god. It was great. I realize now exactly why it took me so long to leave in the first place. Because its easy. It's so easy.

Addam and I had this discussion when I went home. We're losers. I always talked about other people like dogs when I went home, how much of a loser they are and how they aren't doing anything with their lives. Without realizing all this time, that was me as well. I became a loser while I was there. Charging up credit cards, eating out 2 or 3 times a day, wearing literally nothing but khaki's, polo's, and flip flops every day, and not putting forth any effort whatsoever to become an adult. I kicked it for 6 years. And that's all that mattered.

Yeah, I hated it and I wanted to leave, but in retrospect I really didn't hate it all. I just hated myself for getting so damn complacent. Two bedroom apt. souped up cable, paid for car. Allowed myself to accept mediocrty from myself and others around me. Didn't want to leave. Why should I? I honestly could have lived like that for at least another 2 or 3 years.

The circumstances surrounding this trip were in turmoil becaus I had applied for a loan processor job here in the house of satan. I only did it for money, I had been here for a couple of months, I showed up on time everyday, I knew the job was trainable, and I already knew everyone. I thought what the harm? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Apparently they don't like me back there, they really have no reason to since I don't talk to them really, therein lying the problem i.e. I'm not one of them. The manager of the department is hmm...not my cup of tea. He's one of those boss types who likes to pretend that he's a nice person, make lame jokes with people and shit, but in reality is a huge asshole. For me, if you're going to be an asshole, be an asshole. At least, I'll have a chance to get used to it. He told me during an interview, that he didn't care if I was a superstar, no matter how well I did my job,if I didn't fit in then I wouldn't last very long.And I need to dress older. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of my time here in the Satan house. Life has been hell here ever since. If I got that job, I couldn't go home for Daddy's reunion, and I called him crying when I told him. I've never not wanted a job so bad in my whole life. I prayed that it wasn't offered to me so I can get to go home, because it killed me to let my father down. God is always right on time.

Also, I got a part-time job that I so desperately need, but thanks to the asshole people nature of LA, the HR manager refuses to do orientation on the weekends or during evening hours so I have to call in on Thurs. (convincigly) so I can go to work at my other job.

So what's my plan of action? The financial situation is still bleak, but depending on how this week goes, there will be relief soon. With some extra income coming in, I should be out of the room for rent in about 2 - 3 months. Having my own place with cable tv, even if its a shack, would make a huge difference. And I have some tricks up my sleeves for busting out of hell too.

Keep you posted.

More mis-adventures at the club

So yes, here's another episode of my mis-adventures at to the club. For you few who have not read my musings before, I hate going to the club. But at the same time, I'm fascinated because its something new every single time I go.

I went to the club in Long Beach with my cousin, her boyfriend, his best friend and his wife. The boyfriend's BFF and his wife got into a huge argument while waiting for us and there was tension between them all night. My cousin got upset that some girl was sexy dancing in front of her man, and kept sitting next to him accidently, so she proceeded to slob him down in front of him and almost got into a fight with the girl. Which further supports my theory as to why couples should not go to the club together, it's asking for trouble.

The music was boring, there were all old people there, and there were absolutely no single attractive men under the age of 40. I take that back, no single attractive men at all.

Here's an interesting tidbit. Not a single black male approached me all night, not one. Not unusual for LA, they don't like us here. The random drunk person who decides I'm the one for him and decides to fixate on me all night was white (ghetto white boy), said that he was here with 4 black guys and they all refuse to mess with black girls. Too much drama, he says. Its weird. Keep in mind there are these are not the creme de la creme of black men, their old, overweight, wearing T-shirts and air force ones to the club, they avoided, me, my cousin, and the wife like the plague, and we were sitting by ourselves the whole night. It sucked.

And I am no longer in the wedding that I promised to be in, thank God. Long stupid ass story short, the bride's sister aka maid of honor tried very poorly to hit on my cousin's boyfriend (and yes, she knew they were together) thus her not being in the wedding and me following suit. Tried to get my deposit back on my bridesmaid's dress, manger saying no refunds on deposits, leading to the ugliest cuss that I have unloaded on a person in a very long time.

I'm over Loverboy, said it before I didn't believe myself until now. Without going into ugly ass detail, he basically proved point blank that he wants nothing to do with me romantically, and I am suprisingly okay. Like really okay.

And this now is going to be my solemn vow, I will never, ever, ever do something, in my gut that feels wrong ever, ever, again.

Weirdo

So I've come to this conclusion recently. Yes, I'm a weirdo. I've actually come to terms with it. Most people who come into contact with me are going to think I am weird. It's okay. The reason I have recently accepted this is because I have moved to another state, started over with different people, and I have still gotten the label that has plagued me ever since grammar school. Weirdo....

Let me clarify this first of all, I don't think I'm weird. At all. My best friend since high school does not understand why people who went to school with us have always thought I was weird. My cousin who has known me my entire life, says I've always been weird. But she has always known it and accepted it. Most of my friends who I have met later in life are gay men, most people would probably think think that's weird. But I don't, I think its just fine.

In light of recent events, most people are stupid. All of you all probably have figured this out already. This is just my first time actually saying it out loud. Thank the lord, I have gone through enough crap in my life to not be like this. They're very banal, revolve their lives around the dumbest shit, and can pontificate for the longest amount of time about events that I didn't know you can describe for more that two sentences.

For the record here's a short list of why people think I'm weird,
(For lengths sake, I'll keep the explanations to a minimum)

1. I'm quiet.-Some people just don't talk a lot. I'm one of those people. Mostly I don't talk about myself very much. I didn't know you were supposed to.

2.I don't react to people.-I swear, you can sit there and tell me what you may think is the funniest joke in the whole world, if I don't think its funny I will look at you with straight stoneface and not even fake laugh. I think it pisses people off that they can't really get a read on me.

3.I don't talk about myself-Most of the time, with most people, I can't get a word in edgewise. I just think facets of your personality are something your friends or people who want to get to know you should discover on their own, not something you should blab about nonstop.

4.I'm smart-Upon meeting me for the first time, you'd probably think I was dumb, because I don't go around advertising it like some folks. Sometimes I see it as a character flaw, because I don't strive to work for Microsoft or something. But it's given me shit my whole life.

5.I'm self-aware-The gay boy(I promise to write about that one day) breaking up with me 5 years ago ended up being probably the best thing that ever happened to me because I sure as hell wouldn't be the person writing this blog. I don't care whether you're friends with me or not, I'm totally okay with being by myself. For example, the new season of Psych starts tonight on USA and the only way I'll miss that is if I see Harry Potter. That makes me glow.

Honorable mention: I like Harry Potter, would never date a thug, can talk for hours on end about acne and Shia Labeouf, don't even get me started on the movie dorkiness I can discuss them all the way down to art direction and plot holes.

Does all this seem weird to you?

The House of Satan

*stupid blogger won't let me write a title*
So I am currently working in Satan's house, its official. It's the house of Satan. Evil dwells in the house. I am really stressed out. Plus, this job is not doing anything to relieve my financial status; which means no fall acting classes. My hair is breaking, I'm sick. Something's gotta give.

Pros:
I've been writing a lot. I've been reading a lot. I'm learing a lot about the way the world really works. How devious and fake people really are. My interest in trying to conquer the corporate world has completely waned. It's all about being an actress for sure.

It also pretty much saves your life to have something that you're passionate about, otherwise these jobs will get to you. When these people raise their noses at me, the first thing I think is, "What do you clear maybe 80 - 85 a year? Chump change. You can go ahead and hide behind your desks if you want, You have no idea how much richer I'm going to be than you one day. Richer than everyone in this bank combined." And I feel better, because I know it's true.

Success takes a lot of hard work. Duh, right. But you don't know unless you actually start experiencing all the bullshit you go through to start living your dream. I still don't know what possesses me to do this. Most people who make that kind of money independently, work hard. Really hard. That's what I'm trying to do.

Cons:
People suck. I'm so anti-social its not even funny. I applied for another position here, for more money, of course and the managers of that particular department told me to my face, that I dress to young, and no matter how hard I worked, I would never fit in. A little inappopriate during an interview don't you think? God, forbid that they hire me because I'm qualified for the job, but because I don't go around laughing at jokes that at stuffy old man jokes that aren't funny nor do I fake laugh, I don't fit in. Jesus, help everyone that I come on time and do whatever is asked of me. Just ri-damn-diculous.

I'm still in credit card hell, but I'm managing. I realize that this job as well as my living situation are a means to an end, and its this trouble is just temporary. It's not forever. Just until I get on my feet.

Everyone begin praying in unison that I get a better paying job soon, so I can get out of the seventh circle of hell.

The journey lives on...

Excuse the babbling, its been a journey here so far. One that hasn't let up yet.

Let’s start today out on a highly superficial note. I have given up sugar completely. I am a sweets addict. I don’t what it is about this polluted LA water but it has wrecked havoc on my skin. And I don’t know why, but every time I even look at sugar now, my skin erupts into this pimple filled volcano. I even started using proactive and it made it worse. Its looks like it’s trying to do something to improve now, but still it was touch and go there for a minute, and yes, my vanity is completely out of control.

I had a fun weekend. I needed this weekend. Last week was rough, in fact this whole depression period has been rough, but I actually did things to keep myself occupied that didn’t include charging my credit card with clothes I don’t need to fill that void in my life. It felt good. I'm going to start doing that from now on.

This weekend, I went to a water park for the first time, which meant I had to wear a swimsuit in public for the first time. I was terrified. But you know what, have you ever been to the beach? Nobody, and I mean hardly anybody is in shape. They go out there, they put on that swimsuit or two-piece, cellulite ridden or gut be damned, and they go swimming. After a while, even though I felt like I was walking around in my underwear, I didn’t care.

I don’t want to speak to soon, but Loverboy seems to have done a complete turnaround these last couple of weeks. Once again, I don’t want to speak to soon, but he’s actually very sweet. He’s not just having a sweet moment. He’s has his issues, just like myself, but he’s dearly sweet person, whose trying very hard to get himself through a rough time and I am glad that God put him in my life.