First and foremost, I have to apologize for my lack of posts this year, for those out there who still read them, thank you. This blog has been a serious part of me for the last 3 years, and because of all of the tumultuous events that happened for the past year and a half, I have neglected it. I got a fancy, dandy new phone, so I am now toying around with the idea of doing video posts, but we’ll see….My security level is not that high yet.
I want to be an actress, more than anything in the whole world…still. More than anything though, I want to be a successful actress. Successful, in the business, something! I’m just not satisfied, and I hate it.
So far through my trials and tribulations here, I feel that I have become a completely different person. Right now, I’m more relaxed, more responsible, and I feel that mentally I am the strongest I have ever been. But I am also, more pessimistic, more bitter, more neurotic, and even more insecure about my looks than I have ever been. Like I have stated before, when I lived in the south, I honestly did not give a shit about how I looked, and no one else did either. I just wore khaki’s and polo shirts every single day, flip flops, with my hair either in a fake bun or whatever. Nobody commented on if I looked nice or not, or my outfit, or anything. No one gave a shit. I miss that. Since, moving here, I have learned how to walk in heels (actually run in them), I have incorporated at dress that I wore to my sister’s wedding into my work wardrobe, and have not worn tennis shoes in at least the last 3 months. Is it because of peer pressure, perhaps? Is it because I am finally starting to give a shit? Maybe. But right now I’m caught between a rock and a hard place, but I am confused as to what’s really me.
I work for a law firm, my salary is meager, but I still make more money than I thought I would by now, but unfortunately I long for the days when I was temping last year. I got to see a new place ever day,. I’ve been to every part of Beverly Hills, I had freedom as to choose which days I want to work. And I got to do jobs where I didn’t have to think. I can just sit there and plot ways to further my career. But alas, due to health insurance, credit card, debt, and apartment hunting. I had to get a real job. A job that I like, a job I appreciate, but if I want to pursue my dream, which I still very much want to do, it’s a job that I will have to segue way out of.
When I first moved here, I longed for stabilty, steady job, apartment that I can come home to with no drama, being able to afford to get my hair done every two weeks, and now that I have it, I know eventually it will have to end and it sucks. I feel like I’m bitching here, but any and all comments are greatly appreciated.
