WTF is wrong with me?

I've seriously felt like a crazy person for the last 4 or 5 days. I've been way more smart ass than usual. Very short tempered. Somewhat rude. Hardly any appetite. Just nuts.

I've narrowing it down to these reasons:
I'm not pregnant.Can't be. Let's move on.

Stress. The Loverboy apartment thing is really taking its toll on me mentally. I can't quite figure out why. Could it be I've been madly in love with this boy for 5 or 6 years, we're moving in together and its not romantically. Plus, there is this great apartment we're in the running for, and he's out of town still. Not his fault, family issues. But still just really bad timing. He doesn't even have internet access, so he can't fill out the rental information. I have to do it. Just like I have to do everything, lately.

I have to do everything. This is what happens when you're single in a big city. You have to handle your own business all the time. I mean all the time. With no partner. And its exhausting. This is the only time I really miss having a boyfriend. When there is no one there to pick out the apartment, chase down apartment managers, in between doing things like finding time to do laundry, do grocery shopping, cooking dinner, all in between a day off here and there with two jobs. And there's no one at home to offer to rub your feet, sit with ask how your day was. Just an empty house with no cable. I'm starting to cry as I write this so I think I hit a nerve somewhere.

Men So I met this guy who works at my store. He's new. He's a model/actor which is fine. Cute. He opened his mouth and completely turned me off. He was nice enough, seemed to be mentally competent and I believe he was in my age range. But he actually opened his mouth and said he only took this job so he can hang out with his friends, and he could give a shit about doing any work. His "friend" who works there is the biggest lazy bullshitter on the planet. So I turned and walked the other way when he wasn't looking. Between this one, and the guy who works at my job who cannot stop talking. I really can't help but to think I'm being to judgemental about guys. I can't even let myself try to lie someone anymore. I just don't trust it.

I don't know, I'm just so over everything. Just over it. Like I said in a previous post, I've never worked so hard in my life as I have here. I've gotten some happy breaks, thank god, and I am happy about them. But my extreme lack of personal life is really taking its toll.

The last days of the House of Satan

7 days and counting, then I get to bust out of hell. It doesn't seem real to tell you the truth. I got my offer letter for my new job in the mail yesterday and it kind of made it more real.

I'm trying to shake that feeling that I'm done, that I made it, that I'm finished. I have a strong sense of accomplishment right now, but truth be told I have a very long way to go. I bitched and bitched until I couldn't bitch anymore, but of course, as always, God puts you through things for a reason. Almost every circumstance to this point, the poverty, the anger, the living situation, the extreme fatigue, got me to finally believe I was better than my situation, and to continue to strive for what I feel I deserve.


The highlights:

-Dealing with the HBIC everyday, really hammered home the point that everyone that is not going to like me, for whatever reason and that's okay. I have me, and I would totally hang out with me. I seriously could give a shit what other people think about me anymore. I needed that.

-Since I was sitting here all day just answering phones, I got to read a lot (and I mean a lot), especially a lot of self-help books that gave me fantastic tips on how to change my mindset in order to achieve success.
(My favorite? Think and Grow Rich: A Black Choice by Dennis Kimbro. Great for all groups, not just blacks. I'm re-reading it now.)

-I get to work at the Grove, I used to read about it all day every day at my old job, now I work there. Its a pretty fascinating place, not necessarily the celebrity aspect, but the people watching aspect. I love that there are so many kinds of people who pass through. Something I'm not used to living in the country for so long.

-I learned the power personal affirmations. My therapist told me say them and I never did because I thought it was stupid. That shit works. Like gangbusters. I don't even use them that much anymore, because I don't want to lessen their power. I just kind of keep them in my arsenal.

-I lost a ton of weight because of the stress and I'm going to try my super damnest to keep it off.

As far as having the long way to go:

-There is that small acting career that I kind of moved out here for. I'm auditing classes, but since I've been in extreme survival mode, the passion has waned somewhat. There are a whole bunch of actors who work at my part time job, as well as come in to shop and to be honest, I'm still working there to keep my passion alive.

-My skin has suffered. No sleep and no eating has taken its toll.Its going through a transition period right now. But it hurts to talk about. We'll move on.

-I'm tired. All the time. I've never worked so hard in my life, mentally and physically as I have in the last 7 months. I sort of feel like, since I'm making more money now, I can relax a little. But I can't. I just can't.

Guess what....

I got an offer from an lawfirm that I interviewed with a month ago. I get to bust out of hell in two weeks.

Honestly, I'm happy yet I'm torn. Truth is I'm happy because I get to tell the house of satan fuck you about 2 months ahead of schedule. Sad, because since I'm so broke I have to push back my acting career on the backburner yet again.

Its bittersweet. Love that I have a real job. I can't do anything right now anyway, I have no headshots, no classes, nothing. That is going to take a while. Now I have to start from scratch and I can't do anything anyway. And I need the money. and the money is decent. I can sort of build up the nest egg. And I get to tell the bank fuck you, did I mention that already?

What do you all think?

Reflections......

Yes, I'm still in the house of satan. But I hope to bust out soon. I am sure I will be gone before the end of this year. But it still sucks.

I go to audit my first acting class tonight. I am terrified. Really nervous. I am aware its just an audit, I am just going to look at a class, but this is the first actual step that I have put towards my acting career in hmmm. About 1 and 3/4 years? Not counting moving across the country to pursue it of course. It so weird because this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. What I was born to do. And just actually being within an actual class with other actors working in the business is just unreal to me. I can't wrap my brain around it.

Oh yeah, I am moving into an apartment in less than a month. And as of now, yes I am moving in with Loverboy. I am in extremely, extremely deep denial. Because A) I haven't had my own place in a over a year, and B) Here you can't just move into a place, and say "do, do, do. I don't like it. I'm moving out blah, blah." Its such a huge committment as well as so much money that if you screw up something such as the location, or misreading something on the lease. You're fucked. For a while.

Also, adding to the terrifying aspect I am moving in with Loverboy. When I moved out here, my selfish mind would always hope we'd get closer, but moving in together? I didn't really see that happening. Its still strictly on a friendship level of couse. But I don't know. I have always been the type as to when I'm at home, I'm at home, I'm in my room, eating, watching my cable, leave me the fuck alone. Plus, he's nuts so he can't stay in the house. So as far as conflicts, I'm going to try to avoid it as much as possible. Just knowing I'm going to have my own space in california, another thing I can't really wrap my brain around.

These last seven months have been so trying for me, to say the least. It's still difficult. It feels like seven years. And sadly, I have it good compared to some people. But like the pastor said in church, God puts you through storms to mold you into a better person, and he give you the light when he feels you can truly appreciate it and he's damn sure done that for me. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard. Let's just say, I'm necessarily a completely different person persay, but I look at my attitude no compared to when I first got here seven months ago and I don't know who the fuck that person is.

I Never Meet Guys

Alright, so here's my annual bitch session about never having a boyfriend, taking on a new form.

You ever hear this before,
"Oh, I met this guy last night..."
"Oh, I was at the grocery store, and I met this guy..."
"Oh, I was out last night and I met this guy...."

Okay, I have never ever said that. Okay, I have said that, but I say that maybe once every hmm... 3 to 4 years? I don't understand how women even do it.

So I've been in LA for roughly seven months now, and this city is the relationship capital of the world. Especially working the mall where I work, I see couples coming in holding hands, the boyfriends dilligently waiting while the girlfriends try on clothes, and in some gross instances couples full on making out and groping each other in the middle of the store. Everyone is in a relationship here. Not that I'm bitter, just an observation.

Here's a startling admission. I really have no idea how to meet guys. At all. I know you're saying, "Oh its easy, you have a personality just go up and talk to them". Well, to be honest, I believe that hinders me better than helps me.

To clarify the previous statement, my friend Addam told me last year something that I resented very much at the time. He said, "I can see why someone like (insert random name here) has a boyfriend, because she's easy. She just is. You're not."

"What are trying to say Addam, am I too complex?"

"Not really complex persay, its just too much."

"What are trying to say, difficult? too smart? too neurotic, what?"

"Put it like this, no dude really wants to deal with all that."

Sadly, as retarded as this all sounds. I completely understand what he meant. And even more sadly, he's absolutely right. Right now, at this moment, I don't feel like I can be with anyone. Even the random occurences when I do meet a guy, and even more random when I meet one I actually like, its like when I open my mouth, its over.

Living here also, its also a hinderence the way I look. As I mentioned in earlier posts, the men are not too fond of the average sized full blooded black women here. And I'm about as average looking black woman as you can get. So unless he's a old non-English speaking Mexican man, or a really old white man with a slave fetish. I'm pretty much screwed.