Ode to Los Angeles

My father's family reunion is in Alaska this year.
My father has been my rock since I've been here.
I have to go to Alaska.
I need headshots.
I want to go out on auditons.
I'm scared to do the work.
I'm losing my passion because life is getting in the way.
I want to do this, I just wish there was an easier way.
God wants me to want this.
We are in a ridiculous recession.
I have 64 dollars in my checking account.
I am thankful to have a job.
I feel horrible because the time is coming soon to move on.
I feel really bad about that because they've been so great to me.
LA itself is not what I thought it would be.
I thought I would fall in love with the Hollywood lifestyle, but its not me.
I also thought I would have met my husband by now.
I hate not being rich.
I really hate being poor.
When will this end.
I have to fight for it.
I need encouragement.
I'm working my ass off now just to keep my head above water.
This will get better.
I have to constantly fight my slacker past.
I am constantly struggling with my low self-esteem.
Where I was last year and where am I now is like night and day.
This time last year, I fucked up my car three times and not including a horrible accident where I almost had no car.
I wiped out my savings because I had no control over my finances as result of my depression.
My hair was falling out from the stress.
My neightbors were calling the police on my roomate.
There was screaming every night.
Mike would have sex with me one day, then have sex would someone else the next day.
Then he would make them his girlfriend.
I would tell my problems to anyone who would listen.
I alienated all my friends.
I had a drinking problem.
I was in the darkest place I had ever been.
I cried myself to sleep every night.
I don't know how I would ever get out of it.
I never thought that I would be here typing on the computer about it.
I know what its like now not to have security.
Its scary.
Very scary.
But I have to do this.
I want to pay my father back every cent he's ever lent me.
I have to do this.

New beginning.

Guess what. This is from my brand new beautiful home computer! So excited. You know how you get something new, you wait so long to get it and when you finally do; you kind of stare at it in disbelief for a really long time. This is what I'm doing now.

I wanted the computer because I need to start writing again; and I can start doing more research on my career. So now, here's the start of a new beginning; and I'm blogging; LOL.

I've been pretty out of it for the last month or so, being lazy and such. When my class is going on, I had so much energy, but its very "I don't want to do anything but go home and watch TV kind " of life. Its going to take me a while to bust out of that mindset. But its coming. I will keep everyone posted.

Happy New Year!

Jesus, Okay, just check in about every what 3 months, because that is about the frequency i'm going these days.
I (finally) got a computer at home, but since I have no electricity in my living room it has not been hooked up. When it is, the frequency of the blogging will increase.
So my resolutions for the new year will be to

(1)stop letting people stress me out
(2)Stop being a lazy bum.

I swear, ever since I finished the groundlings class about a month ago, I have seen nothing but my cousin's couch and TV and my couch and TV. One thing about LA that I don't like is that it takes so much effort time and planning to do anything, that once you finally do it, its really not worth it.
For example, I want to attend an actors's workshop in Burbank. Its at 7 on a Tuesday. Burbank is 45 minutes away, rush hour 1.5 hours easy, parking at least 30 minutes. Unless I take off work early (which I can't do too often, because I don't have it like that yet, plus lack of paid time off), i can't make it. And the workshop is only an hour! Don't worry, I'll go. I just need to get up off my lazy behind.

Yeah, and that people thing. I let way to many people influence my judgement. That's an after effect from not having any self esteem whatsoever for most of my life. So as a result, my gumption comes in waves. Since I've been in LA and that whole Mike crap, my nerves are just shot. So whem something happens to sort of take me down, then something minor happens, its like a domino effect; thus causing crazy mood swings and depression. This will stop. I understand depression happens, but my God, when it hits it hits hard. I had the most awful relapse about 2 weeks ago and it did me in. All because I let someone else take my mood down.

And I turn 30 next month, I don't give a shit. I hated my 20's. I kind of hated my teens, too. I've been a neurotic mess in my teens and my 20's. I would like to have a decade where I actually have it together for once. Its coming. I definately dress better. And at 29, I have finally figured out how to do my hair, who knows whats next? Maybe I'll get a work ethic.