6 months....

6 months...That's exactly how long I'm giving myself to find another job. The bank bought me out so now I am actually am employee with 401K, health insurance, and everything. My title is switchboard receptionist. I hate it .

Truth be told, it is a huge relief to have some sense of security. I have more money coming in, I can actually move out of my place of residence within the 8-month timeframe that I created up for myself, I can start taking some acting classes in the fall, I can get my hair done every two weeks, and I can go home in July without worrying about if I will have a job when I get back. I wish it was a little more dignified. I wish it was a hot shit job with a lot of money so that I can really go to sleep at night. But its only temporary, and I mean it. I will never, ever, ever, eva eva eva eva eva stay at a job again for that long that I absolutely hate. Broke, bills or not. Its just not worth it. Since I have the experience of doing that now, I will never, ever, do it again. Did I say never ever by the way?

As far as insurance goes, it does not kick in until September, freaking September! Which means somehow, I'm going to have to come out of the pocket and pay Cobra $345 a month for the next 3 months!! Its not happening. Its just not.

Since I did temping for so many months now, and built somewhat of a good reputation with them, if I fuck up somehow and get fired here I can go back to temping. So it relieves a lot of stress from me to be attempting to be miss perfect all the time. Which I have been known to do. I actually need to save quite a bit of money from each check that I recieve instead of saying "ooh, I have $50 dollars left from this check, that's enough for like some decent pants and some shoes!!!" which I have been known to do...A lot.

In short, I am marking today as the first day until I find a new job. May 21st. That gives me until November/December-ish to get my shit together. I'm determined, so let's all start praying now.

The Deprogram

Its been an interesting journey so far since my move. I have learned more about myself in the last 3 and a half months than in the last 2 years. To summarize what I have learned about myself per a converstation with my cousin: I have absolutely no self image, I cannot make a decision on my own, and I have only gotten this far in life because I'm good at being told what to do.

I have never spoken about my upbringing on this blog before because it (a)makes me angry, (b)I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and (c) I am trying to deprogram everything that I was taught growing up. In short, my father used to be a domineering asshole (he's evolved greatly since then, thank god), my mother was a doormat for him (still), my sister and I hated each other for most of our lives, end of story.

I guess they did do something right, because I am fairly normal to the naked eye, but that's only after many, many years of being on my own. I guess you would never know it because of this blog, but I am by nature a very quiet person. Introverted, almost. I have a lot of trouble speaking my mind. I feel nautious when I know I there is a confrontation. Even though I will never admit it out loud, I have a problem with people not liking me. The reason why is because most of my life, I never had any friends. The highlighted reasons being: I was by myself a lot, hence I didn't really react to people...still don't, hence people thought I was weird. If I met a friend I wasn't allowed to hang out with them, and also if I met someone that was cool, something always happened where they either moved away, or just plain outgrew me. All girls school. No boys in my life. Even as friends. If so, always cussed out by my dad. The one and only boyfriend was chased away by my dad at age 17 when he wanted to come see me. I know, tear.

Stability sucks by the way. Don't do that to your children. Move to a new house at least once, just for kicks. They may hate it at first, but they will thank you when they get older. I lived in the same house from birth to age 18. Every one I knew moved away at some point. I have a lot of trouble adapting to new situations. The only reason I went to college in Missouri because I wanted to go somewhere where my parents had no chance of popping up ever. I couldn't take living in that hell anymore.

Moving to LA is literally the only thing I have ever done completely for myself. I have been afraid to go for my fullest potential, because I always felt intimidated by it. I am working very, very hard to deprogram all this shit.

Whole Foods

So today, I had my first actual culture shock since I have moved here. It was a place that was horrifying yet intriguing, mysterious, as well as a place I hope to never have visit anytime ever again. This place actually reminded me that Dorothy is no longer in Kansas anymore. And this magical netherland of epic proportions is...

Whole Foods Grocery Store.

I'm shaking as I am typing this. Whole Foods is an organic grocery store is pretty much all over LA. No Walmarts here buddy, just expensive ass shopping all around. I kind of knew it was organic, but I didn't know it was that organic. It's vegan organic. Scary. I went in after lunch to get some $3.00 Aunt Jemima's microwave Pancakes and Sausage boxes for breakfast. Needless to say they don't sell that at whole foods.

To debunk all of your prejudged notions, everybody in LA is not skinny and pretty. That is a myth. Only in certain parts of LA do you find those people, and apparently in a Whole Foods grocery store is one of them. There a lot of skinny people here. I mean skinny. And the way you see the little celebutantes dress on the paparazzi photos with the short ass summer dresses with cowboy boots with leggings...yeah, they all dress like that. As far as the men, they're even skinnier and prettier than the women. They have model hair*. They wear makeup too. You look around thinking that you may be looking at celebrities, when in fact, its just the LA people period.

I felt fat going in there. I felt uncomfortable, looked it too. Kept looking over my shoulder and shit, hoping to catch a skinny girl frowning at what I have let myself become. First time, suprisingly since I've been here. There was this girl in another line fully made up wearing short shorts and cowboy boots who I swore was Courtney Cox. Another who I swore was Cameron Diaz. But no, two random girls standing in line. I felt like everybody was staring at me from the waist down assessing the circumfrence of my hamhock thighs and how could I let something so tragic happen to my legs? Can you feel my trauma?

Anyway, so never, ever again unless I feel the overwhelming need to become a vegetarian, or I'm trapped in the desert overcome with thirst, and all drought has caused all the cacti to dry up and the only place that has water available to continue my life as I know it is a whole foods.

Thank you.

*Model hair - shaggy longish hair cuts, that are supposed to look like one just rolled out of bed, when in fact the hairstyle takes a lot of time to do.

Don't get too happy, Paris Hilton is not going to jail

Paris Hilton is going to jail, huh. Well, I was overjoyed until it hit me that she most likely won't have to serve the whole 45 days. The jails are extremely overcrowded so I'm highballing it and guessing she'll only do about a week. Plus, people out here know that bitch isn't going to jail. I don't know if any of you have ever been in LA long enough to watch the news, but they lick celebrity's assholes here; even on the news. It becomes clearer and clearer exactly why there all assholes, because they get special treatment here like its not tomorrow.

In other news...

I was offered the receptionist position at the bank where I am currently temping. Nothing else has come along, and there are things that are coming up such as hmmm... headshots, acting classes, hair appointments as well as the extravagances such as rent, food, car note, gas etc., you know all the leftover stuff. So as you can see, I really couldn't afford to be the "against the establishment nomad" that I was intent on being for a little while. I still have some reservations, i.e. "being receptionist is beneath me", "I have a degree, I want to make real money", blah blah. Then I stop and say to myself..bitch you moved here to be an actress, if you were starting out as an actress you would not say no to parts that were beneath you, you would take what was offered because you needed money. Same rule applies here.

Oh, I don't know if I've mentioned this yet but I actually saw Paris Hilton in person like a week ago. All hatred aside, she really does look like a tranny.