Oh no....

So the vicious cycle begins again. 5 and a half years running now. Same thing happened when we lived together earlier this year.

I hate him and myself for about a month for being so stupid for getting involved with this asshole. I cry to my friends, I cry in my sleep, and I have days that I just can't even work.

Then magically it disappears. I don't know if its because I start feeling better about myself, then start feeling better about my situation, or if I'm just a glutton for punishment, but I start getting infatuated again.

This time its a little different, we live together now, so a) My stupidity will be rubbed immediately in my face and b)it will be harder to avoid the situation at hand.

When you love someone, you don't just stop loving them. Its a fight. You have to constantly fight yourself and your feelings so you can move on. Its a battle that I have admittedly gotten a little cocky about over the last couple of days, but then comes this part, the part I forgot about...the relapse.

Didn't sleep with him, not a moron. That's a whole can of worms I would be opening up. But I wanted to. Why? Don't know. He's working his regular job again, and he's having stress, and trouble like a regular human being, and for the moment he's being reasonable, and seems truly sorry for blowing up at me last week. No women, at least in the house, for about 2 weeks now. In other words, he's being normal...for the time being. And its sweet. And I'm a fucking idiot.

Getting out of the lease can happen, but we'll lose a lot of money on the deposit, it looks like more and more that I will have to suck this up for another year. I've been strong so far.

Keep you posted.

Need Jesus.

So the Loverboy situation is worse than I thought.. And here is my state of mind right now. Here's a copy of the email I wrote to my best friend. I think it pretty much explains everything.

"Mike had another girl over last night. One just left Sunday night. After realizing that this is going to be a more regular occurence than I originally thought, I realized how much of an idiot I was. I realized that I've spent the last 5+ years of my life literally obseesed with this dude for absoultely no reason at all. All I've done is ignored it, suppressed it, and made excuses for it. And to think about that along with the daily train of females running in out of the house makes me sick. Also, the most startling realization was also that, that was me. I was one of those females, and I subconciously kept believing that I was the only one.
This is hard situation to deal with because he never promised me anything as far as a relationship, not even dating. So its really not fair to blame him.
This morning was hard. I haven't slept in about 2 days and I cannot stop crying because I blame myself for being so fucking stupid. Everything you have said about me making myself indespesable is absolutely correct. I'm trying to get through my days, but I know now I'm not going to magically stop hurting overnight. I'm trying though."

I'll be honest here and say I moved in with him for selfish reasons, and its totally kicking me in the ass now. I shouldn't have done it. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I should actually voice these concerns out loud, but I really don't know what do.

Any thoughts.

Kimmy