I forgot I wanted to be an actress

If Loverboy wasn't good looking, he would be a scrub. This is fact. Let me just get that off my chest.

By some miracle of the lord, I got the day off yesterday. I had nothing to do so Loverboy and I decided to eat lunch. I'm not going to go in the trifiling sequence of events that happened yesterday, but let's just say it led me to that first sentence that I wrote.

Anyhoo. One the stops that we made is that he wanted to go to the SAG (screen actors guild) building to get a new card. But didn't just want to go, he wanted to explore it. Rather he wanted me to freak out because its the sag building. Actual actors walk around in here and handle their business. It's nothing but offices. He had a fit, because I was completely unimpressed by it. He said you been out here how long and you haven't taken one single class or one headshot, you forgot why you moved out here in the first place. To which I replied that you manage to take headshots every time to you get a paycheck, but you're homeless. Even though the argument itself is stupid as fuck, I see his point.

If you read this regularly, you all very well know how many times I have been beaten down and not being able to afford to eat. I have been through drama supreme ever since I've been out here. Its going to be awhile before I'm able to go full throttle in my career mainly because of poor planning on my part. In summation, it kind of hit me that I need more time to handle myself before any kind of career mentally and financially.

I still want more than anything in the whole world to be an actress. But in spite of everything, I feel ten times smarter about it now than I ever did before. I guess a lot of this was learned by watching loverboy and his struggles. He auditions all the time, but never books. He puts every ounce of his livelihood into his auditions. Auditioning is part of an actors' job. That's what you do, audition. Not that he won't book, but I believe that a lot of these casting directors look for someone who could care less if a person gets a part or not. I mean if you were a boss, would you hire someone who begged for a job? No, you would be suspect about said person wouldn't you? Whenever I hired a person on my last job who begged for it, they flaked out on me within the first month, or they act liked they owned the place when they got there. Because people don't beg really when they want a specific thing, they beg when they want anything. And I think that's the secret.

The Pick-up Artist

Anybody ever watch that show "The Pick-up Artist" on VH-1?

Very telling as to how fucked up women are in the sense that, when a man is practically begging to worship the ground they walk on, and they throw them away like its nothing. We are not attracted to that at all, at least most women aren't, and the leftover are constantly bitching about how we can't get a man.

There is a guy that works here. He's a temp, and basically an office bitch. He's asked me out numerous times, comes out from his desk every time he sees me, and changed his lunch schedule so he can eat with me.

The problems? He talks too much. I mean too fucking much, one of my big pet peeves. So much to the point where the last two mornings in a row, I had to find creative "nice" ways to tell him to shut up. Two, he's broke. I'm completely unmaterialistic, but I'm broke too. Two broke people does not a good relationship make. Even if we dated, we'll spend the whole time either talking about how broke we are, and ask to me to chip in for the date. Yes, that has happened to me before. Couple of times.

And you know what completely killed it for me? I was in the kitchen yesterday making coffee and he handed me his phone number on a piece of paper. Just here call me. Didn't even give me the time to wonder if I want it or not. Like seriously, whatever curiosity that I may have had about him just died right there. To be brutally honest, it just seemed desperate. I'm trying to change my whole way of thinking when it comes to dating, because of the lack of success I had in the past, but almost like the flaws become so overwhelming that I don't want to be bothered.

But yet I'm madly in love with most narcissistic, emotionally unavailable person on earth.

I was watching the pick-up artist yesterday, and their whole method of teaching has a lot to do with the fact that when you first meet a women you're whole persona should sort of say to the woman that you're not really interested in them. That you're here to have a good time, and if you meet a woman then whatever. The minute that the man or his body language gives away that they have zeroed in on their target, then we're done. We're not interested. In other words, we like the chase just as much as men.

I think about the men I have yearned for in the past, and with the exception of the fluke that was my ex-boyfriend, every single last one was emotionally unavailable. The entire time I messed with them, I had absolutely no earthly idea if they were into me or not. Loverboy is no different, he flings that yo-yo and snatches it right back up and holds it. 5 years running now.

I know it has something to do with being scared of relationships. I am deathly afraid of them, no lie. It has everything to with my parents fucked up relationship growing up, my cousin and her ticking time-bomb boyfriend now, and the awareness of my codependency and how it will play a part in my relationship.

For these reasons, and several others, I am cool by myself for now.

Slowly creeping along....

I've taken severly pro-active steps to getting out of hell, so I guess that's a good thing. I am contact with two headhunters right now, so hopefully something will loom on the horizon soon.(We'll start calling the black executive assistant, HBIC for time purposes.)

HBIC has been nice to me for the past two days. Freakishly so. She offered me two of her old suits as a peace offering, WTF? I know, I think its a bunch of bull and it will only last like 2 days, but you know what? I'm so tired of being pissed off literrally every single day, that I surrender. My white flag is waved. I won't be here forever, so fuck it. It's too much work avoiding people, and being an asshole to prove a point, so I will do my best to make nice from here on out. That's not a promise, though.

My cousin and her boyfriend seem to be doing better. I'm not going to really comment on that anymore, because whatever. I have my own drama.

The financial situation is inching along nicely. The second job has helped out immensely, mentally and physically. Its nice to actually be around people who are going through sort of the same thing you are, and its also nice to have something else to concentate on after I have my hell days here. I find myself not thinking about them as much, thus removing myself from the situations more. If you want to get techinical, I have three jobs because I babysit for Loverboy's roomate a couple of times a week. I even bought new shoes yesterday (what?). Don't get me wrong, I'm no where close to having moving out money, but with the retirement check coming in whenever it comes. There is definately light at the end of the tunnel.

Loverboy and I have decided we will get an apartment together. Yes, techinically its a bad idea but financially it just makes sense. He had a roomate who had trouble paying bills before and is still in debt because he paid all of the utilites, so I know he won't screw me on money. In fact, I believe he'll try to over control it. Financially speaking, I do trust him. As far as the girls coming in and out of the house, that's a small price I'll have to pay for cheaper rent because here, it's no punk.

Tired of being sick and tired

I'm tired of bitching about my job. Tired. Over it. All this shit that I have been stressing over is so stupid. Just freaking dumb.

If I was running a multi-million dollar production company, do you think I really need to care if my workers think I'm nice?

Does Tyler Perry worry about people saying he's gay?

Does Oprah give two shits about 50 cent saying she acts white?

Has Cathy Hughes (owner of radio one) even a given second thought to people who berate her for not hooking them up with for a job?

Does Tyra Banks even care about the endless barrage of insults that she endures on a daily basis even though they're well deserved?

Has Bill Gates even thought about how stupid people thought he was when he left Harvard?

The answer is a resounding no. These people I'm sure get shit every single day on a much deeper level. Think about the people who have the endure this who have to feed their kids or take care of a sick parent. People just get shit. Most of the time its for the dumbest reasons you can think of. You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. The only thing you have control over is your attitude towards it.

Right now, I don't consider myself the most confident of people, but my self-esteem isn't circling the toilet like it was. Right now, a lot of people do not like me here. My attitude before was more angry. Because I'm not an ass-kisser, I just became hellbent on not becoming an ass-kisser resulting in bitching all the time about how I refuse to conform. It was a selfish attitude, because I worried about them just as much as they worried about me. Over stupid shit.

I also need to stop letting the attitudes of others influence me so much. I need to stop comparing my situation to the plight of other people, to make me feel better. Its almost if I can get other people to say such and such is crazy, then I'll feel better that I'm not. Just have an epiphany as to how stupid it all is, block that shit out, and keep it moving. I won't be here forever. I don't have to deal with these people in my personal life. There are some really nice people here despite all the crap. This shit is nothing. Treat it like its nothing.

Escape from Hades. The End is Nearer than I Thought.

This post is to let you all know, I'm about to be let go from the job.
No, I haven't done anything wrong. No, I didn't cuss anybody out. No, strangely I didn't do anything wrong to my knowledge. I stopped talking to the black executive assistant. I saw what kind of person she was and I cut that shit off quick. I don't kiss her ass, and basically she wants me gone. Isn't that sad? She told me today that everything I say to her, she would talk to my boss. AKA If you piss me off again, if you fuck up, I'll tell you're boss so you're getting fired. I had no idea I had that kind of control over people. I also I knew that this day would come so I will be temping again soon.

God gave me that job at J-Crew because he knew the end was near. He gave me insurance immediately because he knew I needed it. He knew. He also probably knows how freaking prideful I am, how I would never quit on my own accord I would just take it because I needed the money and damn my self esteem. I have been bitching about this job every chance I get and its been 5 months. When a job takes over your soul like this, time to go. Last time, I was fired from a job it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me. I didn't think that at the time, it was the end of the world, but it was the same exact situation. I was unemployed for 2 months and then I got the job at the University, after 6 years, I had to make myself leave it.

Thank God for my friends, my sister, and my father. God has put some truly wonderful people in my life because I have a few people to call when I need help, and boy have they helped. I just hope that I get into a good enough financial position soon where I can return the favor.