Haven't had a boyfriend in 7 years. But I was in a relationship for 6. This is how I phrase it now. My state of mind changed. It doesn't quite sound as pathetic because one piggybacked off of another. Truth is I haven't had a boyfriend, because I was in a relationship for 6 years.
This is also the first time in about, gasp, 8 or 9 years, where I really actually feel single. And by single, there ain't nobody. No sex. I mean single in terms of no fuck buddy, no one that I'm messing with, nothing. I have been in deep, deep depressions because I thought that I was such as pathetic loser, so unattatractive, that no one wanted me for 7 years, but the truth I haven't been without a "relationship" for no longer than 2 months since the age of 20. I'm 29. Sexual relationships count as relationships.
Another truth, is that most the most part I have sabotaged a lot of my relationships from the beginning. Realtionships that where a couple could have actually been my boyfriend. I remember I was screwing the janitor in my building at the university, I totally turned that in a sexual relationship. I guess he was just trying to befriend me, but I pushed it, because I felt there was no hope for a future there, (aka so I won't get hurt). The only guy I have actually had sex with in California besides Mike actually had a girlfriend, and we were just talking, But as ususal I rushed the sex, because I knew there was no future. Plus, I only wanted someone around to take my mind off Mike. How it ended was that he was disappointed that I wasn't more limber during sex, he also expressed that my body would be so much better if I worked out.
Click.
I have to really accept my singledom. I never have before. Ever. Its lonely. But I am. Single. Sadly, it took Mike getting a girlfirend to turn things around. But it would still be so easy to think he's still mine, because the girl doesn't live in LA. And old me would think, oh when she's not around he's with me. Not very different as to what I thought to myself in the past, unfortunately. I can say that I won't be by myself forever, but I also have to accept that I may, and that has to be okay too.
2 comments:
I totally would have screwed the janitor guy...he was REALLY hot.
Just sayin'.
We're so lucky to live in an age of sexual liberation, but it really does have its drawbacks as well. We're pressured to have sex by the third date...it just seems like the right thing to do. The problem with this (as my Human Sexuality professor explained the other day) is that we essentially create a house without a foundation--that is, a sexual relationship without true intimacy. I don't have answers. Wish I did.
Yeah, the janitor guy was really hot.
No that a now that a professor actually said this in class, now I don't feel so weird. I used to be very sexually liberated, now I feel its a little overrated. I guess that comes with age.
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