Ode to Los Angeles

My father's family reunion is in Alaska this year.
My father has been my rock since I've been here.
I have to go to Alaska.
I need headshots.
I want to go out on auditons.
I'm scared to do the work.
I'm losing my passion because life is getting in the way.
I want to do this, I just wish there was an easier way.
God wants me to want this.
We are in a ridiculous recession.
I have 64 dollars in my checking account.
I am thankful to have a job.
I feel horrible because the time is coming soon to move on.
I feel really bad about that because they've been so great to me.
LA itself is not what I thought it would be.
I thought I would fall in love with the Hollywood lifestyle, but its not me.
I also thought I would have met my husband by now.
I hate not being rich.
I really hate being poor.
When will this end.
I have to fight for it.
I need encouragement.
I'm working my ass off now just to keep my head above water.
This will get better.
I have to constantly fight my slacker past.
I am constantly struggling with my low self-esteem.
Where I was last year and where am I now is like night and day.
This time last year, I fucked up my car three times and not including a horrible accident where I almost had no car.
I wiped out my savings because I had no control over my finances as result of my depression.
My hair was falling out from the stress.
My neightbors were calling the police on my roomate.
There was screaming every night.
Mike would have sex with me one day, then have sex would someone else the next day.
Then he would make them his girlfriend.
I would tell my problems to anyone who would listen.
I alienated all my friends.
I had a drinking problem.
I was in the darkest place I had ever been.
I cried myself to sleep every night.
I don't know how I would ever get out of it.
I never thought that I would be here typing on the computer about it.
I know what its like now not to have security.
Its scary.
Very scary.
But I have to do this.
I want to pay my father back every cent he's ever lent me.
I have to do this.