Short and sweet...

For those of you who know me or have at least read one passage of my blog. I watch a lot of TV; so before I left for work this morning I had the pleasure of watching Jennifer Lopez "beyond the runaway". Okay, i'm lying. I ended up watching her for a solid of hour on MTV hits also because they are featuring all of her videos. Anyhoo, its obvious Jennifer Lopez falls into that rare subset of people who are stars. Stars are classified as people that you may or may not like, but you can't help watching or talking about them.

Also, for those of you who really know me, you know I hate Jennifer Lopez. I don't hate on her because she's pretty like Beyonce, I actually don't like her. If I met her in person, I don't think I would like her. She is one of those females that you all have met or are currently friends with who feels that no matter now successful that she is on her own, she does not feel its worth anything without a man. Not a man, who loves and respects her mind you, but a man who is by her side, whether she likes him or not (i.e. Cris Judd, her first husband, I think his name is Ojani). Plus, she seems bitchy. Not a bitch, to me a bitch is someone who says what everyone is thinking and they don't give a shit like it like or not. Being bitchy is worse, bitchiness is formed into your personality and that's worse. so I digress...

so what got on my nerves about this special, is that even though her company generated 300 million dollars in revenues last year, and she obviously has final say over everything that is marketed and sold. She really does not have any idea what she's talking about half the time. For her upcoming fashion show, she stated that she wanted velvet ropes and a red carpet for because she wanted the theme to be like a show. The person that she hired who had done numerous shows in the past replied that gimmicks usually do not work in shows because it throws people off, she looked like someone had just punched her in the stomach. Also, her comments on the new line went something like, "If I see something that I cannot change, don't show it too me." Why? I thought that if you were running a label like that, you would want all of the designs to be perfect upon arrival, that logic didn't make any sense to me.

To top it all off, she herself looked tacky when she was walking down the runaway. Her weave looked cheap. Also, being a owner of a oversized butt, I understand that nothing that you wear will hide that butt. But don't wear tight white spandex!!!! It will make you look like you have a butt that you don't even want. And yes she had in tight white spandex, she may have a fancier name for the fabric, but trust me its spandex.

50 things I learned about myself this year

Yes, I know its been freaking forever since my last entry. I apologize, I've been very blocked. So blocked in fact, that I actual stole this idea from another person's blog. Of course, I had to put my own spin on it, so instead of 100 things about me, I'm listing 50 things that I have learned about myself this year. Yes, I know its only February, but it is already proving itself to be the year of change and self-realization. In a nutshell, a lot of shit has happened and there are issues that I need to deal with so, I will begin.

1. I get mad easily
2. Nothing urks me more than people who don't like me.
3. I apologize too much.
4. I am bitchy sometimes
5. I have serious issues with my body
6. I'm vain
7. I'm not vain because I think I'm pretty, I'm vain because I'm insecure.
8. I really hate when people are mad at me.
9. I am desperate for change.
10.I am terrified of change
11.I will never be one of those people who get lucky, if I want something I will always have to work very hard and/or beg to get it.
12.I pretend not to like attention, but I really live for it
13.I'm very aware that I am not that beautiful
14.It's not a matter of low self-esteem, but I'm not stupid.
15.My moods fluctuate from extra-laid back to overly aggressive.
16.I absolutely hate being mean
17.I'm never mean until I am pushed by someone being mean first.
18.I understand why I am perceived as snobby
19.I think that I am a better writer than I am an actress
20.I still want to be an actress
21. I not only want to be an actress for the sake of the craft, I would like to be successful as an actress to have the power to do anything I want, and it will automatically be accepted.
22.I am obsessed with being an actress and pop culture
23.I am because I believe that Tom Cruise or Will Smith has more clout than the president of the United states.
24.A trait that I would kill to have is charisma.
25.Charisma takes you very far in life, even more so than money
26.I believe charisma is what gets you money
27.I take way to many things personally
28.I generally enjoy listening to people
29.I hate people who talk to much
30.I also hate people who reveal too much about themselves too quickly
31.I will always fall for the wrong guy
32.I do not believe I am capable of having a normal relationship
33.I surround myself with people with colorful personalities
34.I don't understand people who do not have a personality
35.I'm really shy
36.People who meet me tend to trust me immediately
37.They also get comfortable a little to quickly
38.As a result, they sometimes say things to me that offend me
39.Then I get pissed off.
40.and the friendship is usually over
41.I'm a lot of things but I am not judgmental
42.The person whom I believed was the closest to me in my life has also been the one who has lied to me the most
43.I forgive her for that
44.I will never look at her the same
45.I am very loyal
46.Sometimes too loyal
47.I have a problem letting things go
48.I wish I didn't care what people thought of me
49.I say I don't, but I'm lying
50.I always take the high road, even if I don't want to.

Cell Phone companies are rapists?

Yes, I said it. They are. I bet one out of every 3 Americans has cussed out a customer service employee for a cell phone company because something was charged to your account that you did not know could be charged. For example, I upgraded my phone this past October because I was too lazy too look for a new provider, plus I felt that since all cell phone companies rape you to the point of embarrassment, I felt I had nothing to lose. I had already spent $30 on a new charger the week before, because the old just quit and I needed it to go out of town, so after that nightmare I finally got a chance to pick out a better quality cell phone.

Better quality meaning the one that was free. I just wanted something basic. All that was actually required of my new phone was that I am able to make outgoing calls and pick up a signal in my house. Two things that I wasn't able to do on my old phone. So here they present the Nokia. Tiny enough that I could fit it in the palm of my hand, but also doubled as a shitty camera phone and a radio. What the hell do I need with a radio on my cell phone? I don't know. But I heard the word free, so everything else is irrelevant. I have sprint as a cell phone carrier, a company to me that is identified as the one that tells you everything except the stuff you need to know. When I went to California, I had $200 in roaming charges that they would not take off because of the time zone difference. A problem that could have been simply resolved by powering my phone on and off so that the towers could adjust, also a problem that took me yelling at two customer service people in order to find out that very fact. Also, since I have a camera phone, even though I never take pictures with it, I still have to pay for the function. I was told that this was a function that could not be removed and you have to pay for it whether you use it or not, turns out you can. Just call customer service and they'll take it off lickety split, in exchange for 30 of your daytime minutes of course.

So why are cell phone companies rapists, because they take your money from you against your will, if they don't take your money they take your minutes so that they may proceed to take more of your money. And when someone takes something from me that doesn't belong to me, I feel as if they are taking part of my womanhood.

Ho-hum, yawn, Happy Valentine's Day

I really didn't want to post today. But I felt that I should just because I feel that I should speak on behalf of the classification of single females that I belong to. Yes, men there are different classifications. I belong to a subset that is called the single, non-desperate category. This specific category usually belongs to the type of girl who is single with no man, and who is not looking for one. This is rare for different males to spot because we usually act like we already have a man. The single, non-desperate female usually exhibits certain symptoms. She is either (a) really attractive and does not have a desire to be with one man
(b) has been hurt really badly by the love of her life in the past
(c) lesbian in denial
I will not reveal which category I belong to, got to save something for the marriage.

The other categories include the single-desperate female, the non-single but wants to be female, the non-single female who has no intention of leaving her man because he has money female, and finally the tease. Of all of the categories that we're mentioned above the ones that raise the highest red flag are the single-desperate female and the tease. I will explain why. The single-desperate female has more obvious qualities than any other, so many that my hand will get tired typing them all, but I will paraphrase the top two.
(a) never had a boyfriend
(b) stalker
A girl, 20 or above, who has never had a boyfriend is a dangerous species. They will latch on to anything that gives them any kind of attention. She seems perfectly normal at first, but the longer you get to now her, the sooner it will be that she will ask you for small favors; such as coming to fix her car, helping her move, and the dreaded asking you to go church with her (insert creepy scream here).If she asks you to got to church, run don't walk. I guarantee you that if her mama doesn't go to that church, somebody who talks to her mama everyday on the phone is sitting in the pew right in front of you.
If any of you have declined a number from a girl more than ten times, or you change your plans because she may show up at the place you attending, she's a stalker. Stalker may be a little harsh, but if you think she may be a just a little stalkerish now, that's just like saying your boy's a little bit gay.

And finally, the tease. Everyone hates the tease, male and female. Guys, the ones you need to beware of are the fine ones, the Serena Williams booty ones, they're the worst. They get the high off of getting men to do what they want and not the actual sex. The teases are actually very talented, many of you probably don't even know who they are. But I bet you bought them stuff.

As you can tell I believe that dating is overrated. But this is the first Valentine's Day in many years that I am really indifferent about, so I felt that I should write a how to guide for the guys. Who knows your woman may be a single-desperate or a tease. God help you if you don't know. Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!

Will Smith

So will Smith has a new movie coming out this weekend, some romantic comedy called "Hitch" I believe, but this will not be a review of that movie mostly not only do I not want to see it, I'm sure that it will suck. I'm going to use Will Smith as a how-to-guide as to how to completely sell out, while not making it seem like you're not.

I'm not completely against Will Smith, he did his thing. I will never hate on anyone for doing what they have to do to get where they need to be. Plus, I did have a huge crush on him when I saw his shirt rip open when he was running down the street in Bad Boys. He's cute and extremely charismatic. Not that many human beings, let alone actors, have the charisma on the level that he has. Its just that acting/entertainment snobs like myself can always find something wrong with a otherwise foolproof scenario such as Will Smith, "the actor".

Let me ask you this question; Are you able to think of a character's name that Will Smith played in the movie? (Ali doesn't count because that's the movie's title, neither does Mike Lowry from Bad boys because the only reason you remember is because Martin Lawrence made fun it so much) When you are reiterating the plot of one his movies, do you say "will smith, did this, then Will did that, will was the shit." Hmm... Real first name, not good. Then ladies and gentlemen you are not speaking of an actor, you are speaking of a movie star. What you don't know is Will is very smart on top of being cute, and he's got all of you all fooled. You like him, he seems like a good friend, that's why you saw Bad Boys 2, I.robot, and (god help me) Ali. Don't worry its not just you, he's got the industry fooled too, that's why he got that Oscar nomination for Ali. You, see what people don't know is that those actors campaign for those Oscar slots. The academy does not just see these wonderful performances and vote for them, they vote for the person portraying them, its almost like an election rather than an honor bestowed upon you. Want proof? Denzel Washington beat Russell Crowe for the best actor the same year that Russell beat up the producer of the British oscars. Russell swept every major critics' best actor category that year...except the academy award. Which explains why Will got that nod for Ali. But yet, I don't know anyone who liked him in that movie. I actually thought Jamie Foxx gave the standout performance. But I digress.....

Now thanks to Will I have completely broken my New year's resolution to stop talking about people I don't know. But I'm sorry, when I saw him talking to the camera in that damn "Hitch" commercial, I just couldn't resist temptation.

The White Girl Diet

So you are a woman at the gym, have you ever wondered when you're sweating it out on your elliptical machine with the towel around your neck, you're done 45 minutes later and all that you have to look forward to for you dinner is a lovely, filling, lean cuisine meal? Determined to get back in those size 10's that used to slide upon you once upon a time? While next to you, you see this size 2 white girl running at top speed on the treadmill next you, she seems to be training for the marathon while at the same time she's talking on her cell phone and looking for her pack of cigarettes. Do you notice that a lot of white girls seem to be this way, at least the ones who work out? Well, ladies, they follow a special program only known to their kind, and can only be followed by their kind. There's a possibility that it may work for you too, but you have to be very careful to follow the rules for the special program known as the white girl diet.

Let me explain why this special program is hard for the sisters to follow. By nature, most of us are a little thicker, and a lot of us like and the men like it too; so when we work out we always have it in the back of our mind not to lose too much weight, because we still want to keep our shape. You wanna be on the white girl diet, you goal needs to be not to become too anorexic. Well, maybe just a little bit....Also, by nature, we sisters like to eat. Eating is great, we love food. Nope, on the white girl diet, food is necessary to live and that's about it. Now that you know the two basic rules, we now proceed to the white girl diet.

1. Drink 6-9 diet cokes a day.
White women love the diet coke. Personally, I hate it, I tried to make myself like and it tastes like dirt. With diet coke in surplus, you get the sweet taste and the caffeine high, two wondefully unhealthy ways to suppress your appetite. All of this, with no calories. The more you drink, the less you taste.

2. Make friends with smoking.
Even with their physical gym prowess, a lot of these white girls smoke...a lot. Smoking actually raises your metabolism and suppresses your appetite. But the white girls tend to do it in excess, so it prematurely ages you and makes you sound like a man. On top of the increased chances for lung disease and yellow teeth. But hey, if you want to make that gut go down with a quickness, puff away.

3. If you have to eat, eat subway.
Now I admit, I love me some subway. I really love it since I found out that 3 footlong sandwiches have about as many calories as a Big Mac. So when the average white girl starts to feel faint and they realize that they have run out of Diet Coke,they run in herds to subway. But you must keep in mind that, this is the only item of food that you may have per day. And if you don't plan on eating tomorrow, hell, splurge on chips.

4. Alcohol
White girls drink like fish, especially the really little girls. Ever wonder why? Because all the calories that they get per day comes mostly from alcohol. I believe a shot equals about 200 calories, so you can have six and a subway sandwich and you have enough to maintain your weight. And you know, you can forego that subway sandwich if you have a big night out planned. You can possibly bump it up to eight shots.

Take these tips into account along with 3 hours per day at the gym, you can pull a Faith Evans and get down to that unattainable size 4 that you thought that you would never see.

The Life Alterers

Do you know about those rare times in your adult life, that you find one of those life-altering CD's, not life changing, those only come maybe twice in a lifetime, but the life altering ones. Life changing CD's are the Marvin Gaye what's going on, Stevie Wonder Songs in the key of Life CD's that are usually done by legends that come along once in lifetime. The life altering ones come in a sub-category, the albums that you find in a pile of litter on the floor and when you pull it out, you realized you haven't listened to it before and you are totally skeptical when you begin listening to it, and then you realize slowly but surely that you love this CD. And for about 30-60 minutes of your life, whatever shitty is going on in your life you completely forget about.

If you haven't figured it out already, I discovered one of these CD's today, and I know I'm late but I absolutely love Erykah Badu's Worldwide Underground EP. I had a little bit of a grudge against Erykah Badu since I found out her dreads were fake (her eyes are fake too, but that's another day). I loved her first album, but I couldn't believe that someone who is supposed to be representing realness and being yourself, had the nerve to wear fake dreads. And it wasn't just the fact that it was her dreads, it was the fact that it was one of her trademark physical assets. Really pissed me off. I loved Mama's Gun too. Then I saw the two videos for the album that looked cheap beyond belief, and acquired bitter feelings for her because I felt that she was trying way too hard to be "artistic". After that, and after hearing that her and Common were "celibate" together, and she left him and got pregnant by D.O.C., I was done with her.

Worldwide Underground is one of many MP3's that are loaded on my computer at work. I have listened to or part of every CD on there except for that one, so I was disgusted with everything else this morning and decided to listen to it. Another reason that this action was actually prompted when I saw her give this great performance on a old episode of Dave Chapelle, and I was wondering where the song was from. I know now that I must learn that I must not let the media steer my bias towards an artist because this is great. Like charge my credit card because I spent my check on bills great. A few of the songs are over 10 minutes long but they're still great. I found myself bobbing my head and tapping my feet at work, something that I never do when I'm wearing any type of headphones. I also repeated every song twice. Another thing that I never do.

Also, this CD will go under the short list of that I call "The Life Alterers" that currently includes: Justin Timberlake's justified, Christina Aguilera's Stripped, The Chronic 2001, the Roots's phrenology, Jon B's Cool relax, Gwen Stefani's Love Angel Music baby and Kanye West's the college dropout. Its wonderful, and I'm sorry Erykah.

Not-so-age old question....

I think every woman has pondered many age old questions that are not of common knowledge to the general public, but questions that are quietly discussed among themselves. There is one topic that I find that is discussed quite a bit. I will start with a scenario: I was in walmart the other day, and I was getting over a really bad cold, so of course I was blowing my nose. I had no contacts in, not even a trace of lip gloss on my face, and I was wearing a bulky coat with a hood halfway on my head because I was in the freezer section. I was picking out a Smart Ones dinner with tissue hanging out my nose, when a 40 something gentlemen with his daughter proceeded to come up to me and say, "You better be picking out something good to eat, because I'm coming over for dinner tonight."

On top of that, on the way to walmart, I looked even worse because the hood was actually tied to my head, and I was blowing my nose. Meanwhile, I hear someone blowing their horn over and over again, in the car next to me. I, of course thought that meant that was a green light and it was time to go, but to my suprise, there were two gleaming gold grills, so gold that I can actually make out the color and shape through 9 o'clock night sky and black tinited windows that adorned a black car. They were waving there finger at me signaling me to follow them. Which brings me to my question, hoooow come, I don't get action until I look like shit.

Now I know, some of you are thinking (at least you nice people) that I must be really natrually beautiful and I am naively acting as if I'm not aware of this concept. Okay, lets just expel that myth right now. I'm not. I'm aiight with makeup on, and besides beauty is relative. Every man has their preference, so for you women thinking that its more complicated than that, it aint.

Here's another theory that may have crossed your minds, men are intimated by women who are done up all the time and they feel that they have more of a chance when they're not at their best. This theory sounds plausible, but its not. If you look good, you look good and men are going to step to you. If they're intimated by you with all done up, then how do you explain having to fight them off you at the club when you spend at least an hour getting ready. And, you ladies and gentlemen who attend the club have watched in amazement and confusion when you witness a little less than attractive, super big booty girl, and every time you look up she's typing a new number in her cell phone. Why? Because just about every woman gets hit on at the club.

So if you have any explanation as to why I haven't had any action for the last month, and all of sudden my runny nose seems to draw the gentlemen callers in the dozens. Please comment and let me know.