So truth be told, I am unbelievably depressed right now. I hate when so much stuff going on that you don't really know where to begin. I'll try to go in order of importance.
I'm having family trouble. I'm actually going to avoid talking about this because I'll start crying.
I hate my job. That's the first time I've actually said it out loud. I'm grateful to have one, but it's demeaning. I'm a recepetionist. Not an office assistant. Not and admin. assistant. A receptionist. I know I want to be an actress and all, but I hate sitting down all day, I hate not doing anything worthwhile. I hate the money. I am completely aware I'm being a total brat, but I don't care. I took this job, truthfully, is because my temp agency has been so good to me since I've been here, I didn't want to disappoint them by leaving this one and taking another. Hence leading to my next point.
I'm too nice. I do things solely not to disappoint other people. God forbid they don't like, or have a less than positive opinion of me, but that's just the way I am. It is something that will have to change. I agreed to be in a wedding this weekend. For a girl I barely know. Why do you ask? Long story short, I was doing a favor for my cousin who also begrudgingly agreed. Plus, I'm bored. Need something to do. Which leads to my next point.
I'm lonely. I used to always make fun of people who say they were lonely, because I felt sorry for people who are not comfortable with themselves. Well, jokes on me now. Its different here, unlike what you see on tv, i.e. Most LA people being single and fabulous, everybody is in a relationship here. And you're weird if you're not. At least that's the way I feel. My cousin, who was supposed to be my roadog, braving Cali together, is pretty much completely devoted to her boyfriend at this point. As well she should be. But she doesn't want to go anywhere unless it has something to do with him and his friends. Me not having a life, just follows along. I'm not a follower. But I slowly feel like I'm becoming one.
The financial difficulty is just the icing on the cake.
My spirit is broken, I need to regroup. I need for it to hit me how I can start living for myself again, and start my way down that path to making it life. I guess you have to feel like this in order to start believing.
3 comments:
You poor baby. I've been there. First thing~ Start looking for a new job. That is something you can change! Second thing~ Find either a church, or make a profile to meet some men online. It will spice up life a bit and give you something to do! When it gets depressing like it is now, you gotta come up with a plan. Make changes. A lot of this is in your control! :)
Question - how can you be completely aware that you're being a brat and not care AND be too nice? About the same thing (wanting to quit your job)??? One of those has got to be wrong.
Try to find positive things about your situation. IMO- you're in LA to become an actress not move up the corporate ladder, so just stick with the job that's paying some bills (especially if you think people are going out of their way for you) and just focus on developing your "night-job" skills in your off-time. Plus, receptionist work has got to be mindless enough that you can find other things to improve yourself even while at work. Maybe not - I dunno, just guessing. Unless you find a job that can solve your financial issues, I wouldn't leave.
It's important to stay positive b/c what you're doing is so stressful and there's just so much rejection that you'll just easily be beaten - and I REALLY don't want that for you.
I definitely think that working on the loneliness problem will really help your mood. There's no shame in participating in a wedding, especially if it's to socialize! They can be fun!
To Julie:
You are correct.
well, chaka you have a good point. My job right now is not going to pay for acting classes in the fall. so we gotta go.
And yes, I do believe I'm brat in the sense that I have fucked up my financial situation due to my own selfish desires. I had job that I did not quit for 6 years, because I was afraid of actually having to work, I bitch and refuse to move on .I'm too nice in the sense that I let people take advantage of me for fear of not being liked.
Positively, its hard to find a job in LA. LA is a spririt breaker period. It's taught me very quickly that there are some significant changes that I need to make within. Therefore the big posititve is that it was nota mistake to move.
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