Mike a.ka. Loverboy got a girlfriend. One who he is madly in love with and wants to marry by the end of this year. And yes, I am miserable. I mean MIZ-ER-ABLE. I’ve been in this sadomashichistic relationship for 6 years now, torturing myself everday, and even more so by living with him, and this is how it ends? He gets to be happy? After all the wrong he’s done to me and the millions of other women in the world, he gets to live happily ever after? So not fair, but then again the world isn’t fair, that’s for damn sure. I have been a straight up basket case ever since I moved in that damn house, and this is the result. I’m leaving out a lot of the gory details, but in a nutshell, Mike doesn’t see me as girlfriend potential at all, he sees himself as his poor miserable friend that he has to bail out and help when he’s in a jam. Helpless friend by the way. helpless as in stupid. He doesn’t know me very well at all. I mean at all, and you have to seriously have to be a self-involved shell of a person to talk to someone every day for 6 damn years and not know them at all.
Truth be told, I am obsessed with this situation.Obsessed as to why he doesn’t want me in that way, obsessed as to how I can be disregarded so quickly, and obsessed as to why my self-esteem is so horrible that I actually want this boy to want me. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough or clueless, or why everything about me is wrong. We had a talk and I told him not to talk about her to me, because I don’t want to hear it. I can’t hear it, its too much. And I obviously loved him more than I thought. We’re barely speaking at this point, and it needs to be that way. In the same breath, I can’t believe how much I fucked up. It makes me sick to my stomach to go home everyday, knowing that I spent so much time waiting for this boy to love me, just to see him give completely of himself to someone else.
The break is over I will keep everyone posted.
4 comments:
Glad you're back, but wish it had been a happier post.
You can't allow yourself to be defined by what he thinks of you...it's not fair. I know that you have a mantra that you're a cool, attractive person and worth people's time...don't give that up now. Honestly, I know the situation is rough and I completely empathize, but you really need to do what's best for you this in the situation, which is to take care of yourself and not obsess. He's not proving himself as someone that's worthy of obsession (can you tell that I'm not a fan of his?). I know that you work extremely hard--and I think very central to the person that you are is the fact that you DON'T give up on things. By moving on doesn't necessarily mean that you've given up...you tried over the years, but HONEY--HE AIN'T WORTH IT. I really just want you to be happy, sweetie, and you do have control over that.
a-m (it's not letting me sign in)
Hi baby, I miss you. and thanks. More happier posts from now on.
Hey Mama -
I'm back from break. I'm glad I convinced you to post because this is the kind of thing that needs writing down (not just talking out with friends) so you can come back to it later and learn from it. Stay strong.
When are you going to move out?!?!??!?!?!
- chaka
Chaka...
Hmmm, moving out is a sticky situation, I'm am at least actively working on it
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