I apologize in advance for the length on this post, but in all fairness this shit has happened in a span of 5 days. Its no wonder I have lost 12 pounds, and still counting.
Well, this has indeed been an interesting weekend. Where do I start.
My godmother called to tell me that I am hanging out with my cousin too much and I need to get a life. She said that her boyfriend was going to try to sleep with me and it was going cause a bad situation. She also said that I need to stop turning against my family. It was like my mother was speaking through a ventriloquist's dummy. That was Wednesday.
I called in sick on Thursday so I can go to orientation for Jcrew. I actually was very nervous because I never called in sick before, never had to. I just never had a job where I had to fake sick to get off for something. Its right across the street and if someone happened to be over on their lunch break and they spotted me, my ass was gone. So I wore a hat and sunglasses when I was walking in. Well worth the lie though, for a part time job in a mall, its 10.50 an hour plus benefits, the discount is unreal,after sixty days I get $200 worth of free merchandise, and I love the clothes. Am thinking seriously about quitting here to work full time there. That was Thursday.
I don't remember if I have spoken about the black executive assistant here who I couldn't figure out if I can stand or not. Well, long story short, she asked me to do to call her about something, I got busy doing something else to the point where I couldn't, she got an attitude, I got one right back, so she calls herself giving me the silent treatment. I had trouble figuring out whether I liked her or not anyway, because whenever we were "cool", when she did talk to me, it was always about her, her hair, her 40,000 car, her men, all about her. And you all know, if its one thing I cannot stand its a fucking self-involved attention whore. I guess this means good riddence. That was Friday.
I was over my cousin and her boyfriend's house this past weekend, like I am every weekend. I literally went outside to get groceries, when I came back the police we're there. In a nutshell, and I'm not making this up, my cousin answered his work cell phone because it wouldn't stop ringing, so it might have been an emergency. She told him this very fact, and he went ballistic. To the point where she called 911 on him. I was watching her daughter, trying to get outside to get out all the drama, when he calls me into the room. My cousin has taken his car keys and his ATM card because she doesn't want him to leave. He wants me to get them back. I try to leave, he closes the door. I am scared for her at this point because I know from experience when somebody is that crazy, there is nothing you can do, so I beg her to give him his keys so he can get the fuck out. Her name is on his car, so she refuses. He asks me to drive him to a motel. Keep in mind there is a 3-year child in the next room, who I am trying to keep out of this. I drive him to a hotel. Nothing happens, he is actually very considerate towards me the whole time. My cousin is a wreck, and I took care of her the rest of the weekend. That was Saturday.
Went to church, it was great. Realized that a lot of things in my life sort of slid downwards when I stopped going to church. My poor cousin, it was like the pastor was speaking to her. She is being strong, I offered to leave early, so she can have time to herself. That was Sunday.
Final thoughts? The boyfriend is unstable as hell. Not this first time he's gone off that way. It's easy to just say that I see it because I'm around so much, but the first time I ever met him, and came to visit them when they used to live in Indiana, he blew up like that. Its always over something trivial, always. Its easy to say I'm leaving when you don't have any kids together, but when you do and they actually love their father, its harder to say peace out. He's not going anywhere. I love my cousin dearly, she's the sweetest person in the world, but there is no way in hell I would be with someone who gets angry like that out of nowhere.
As far as the job stuff? I am praying for a better one as we speak. Even though I'm just a receptionist, the corporate world is not for me. I loathe it, and I feel in my gut the end is near whether I want it to be or not.
God this is long. I am so sorry.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Day 1 -- The Escape from Hades
I actually got to go home this weekend, thank god. It was great. I realize now exactly why it took me so long to leave in the first place. Because its easy. It's so easy.
Addam and I had this discussion when I went home. We're losers. I always talked about other people like dogs when I went home, how much of a loser they are and how they aren't doing anything with their lives. Without realizing all this time, that was me as well. I became a loser while I was there. Charging up credit cards, eating out 2 or 3 times a day, wearing literally nothing but khaki's, polo's, and flip flops every day, and not putting forth any effort whatsoever to become an adult. I kicked it for 6 years. And that's all that mattered.
Yeah, I hated it and I wanted to leave, but in retrospect I really didn't hate it all. I just hated myself for getting so damn complacent. Two bedroom apt. souped up cable, paid for car. Allowed myself to accept mediocrty from myself and others around me. Didn't want to leave. Why should I? I honestly could have lived like that for at least another 2 or 3 years.
The circumstances surrounding this trip were in turmoil becaus I had applied for a loan processor job here in the house of satan. I only did it for money, I had been here for a couple of months, I showed up on time everyday, I knew the job was trainable, and I already knew everyone. I thought what the harm? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Apparently they don't like me back there, they really have no reason to since I don't talk to them really, therein lying the problem i.e. I'm not one of them. The manager of the department is hmm...not my cup of tea. He's one of those boss types who likes to pretend that he's a nice person, make lame jokes with people and shit, but in reality is a huge asshole. For me, if you're going to be an asshole, be an asshole. At least, I'll have a chance to get used to it. He told me during an interview, that he didn't care if I was a superstar, no matter how well I did my job,if I didn't fit in then I wouldn't last very long.And I need to dress older. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of my time here in the Satan house. Life has been hell here ever since. If I got that job, I couldn't go home for Daddy's reunion, and I called him crying when I told him. I've never not wanted a job so bad in my whole life. I prayed that it wasn't offered to me so I can get to go home, because it killed me to let my father down. God is always right on time.
Also, I got a part-time job that I so desperately need, but thanks to the asshole people nature of LA, the HR manager refuses to do orientation on the weekends or during evening hours so I have to call in on Thurs. (convincigly) so I can go to work at my other job.
So what's my plan of action? The financial situation is still bleak, but depending on how this week goes, there will be relief soon. With some extra income coming in, I should be out of the room for rent in about 2 - 3 months. Having my own place with cable tv, even if its a shack, would make a huge difference. And I have some tricks up my sleeves for busting out of hell too.
Keep you posted.
Addam and I had this discussion when I went home. We're losers. I always talked about other people like dogs when I went home, how much of a loser they are and how they aren't doing anything with their lives. Without realizing all this time, that was me as well. I became a loser while I was there. Charging up credit cards, eating out 2 or 3 times a day, wearing literally nothing but khaki's, polo's, and flip flops every day, and not putting forth any effort whatsoever to become an adult. I kicked it for 6 years. And that's all that mattered.
Yeah, I hated it and I wanted to leave, but in retrospect I really didn't hate it all. I just hated myself for getting so damn complacent. Two bedroom apt. souped up cable, paid for car. Allowed myself to accept mediocrty from myself and others around me. Didn't want to leave. Why should I? I honestly could have lived like that for at least another 2 or 3 years.
The circumstances surrounding this trip were in turmoil becaus I had applied for a loan processor job here in the house of satan. I only did it for money, I had been here for a couple of months, I showed up on time everyday, I knew the job was trainable, and I already knew everyone. I thought what the harm? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Apparently they don't like me back there, they really have no reason to since I don't talk to them really, therein lying the problem i.e. I'm not one of them. The manager of the department is hmm...not my cup of tea. He's one of those boss types who likes to pretend that he's a nice person, make lame jokes with people and shit, but in reality is a huge asshole. For me, if you're going to be an asshole, be an asshole. At least, I'll have a chance to get used to it. He told me during an interview, that he didn't care if I was a superstar, no matter how well I did my job,if I didn't fit in then I wouldn't last very long.And I need to dress older. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of my time here in the Satan house. Life has been hell here ever since. If I got that job, I couldn't go home for Daddy's reunion, and I called him crying when I told him. I've never not wanted a job so bad in my whole life. I prayed that it wasn't offered to me so I can get to go home, because it killed me to let my father down. God is always right on time.
Also, I got a part-time job that I so desperately need, but thanks to the asshole people nature of LA, the HR manager refuses to do orientation on the weekends or during evening hours so I have to call in on Thurs. (convincigly) so I can go to work at my other job.
So what's my plan of action? The financial situation is still bleak, but depending on how this week goes, there will be relief soon. With some extra income coming in, I should be out of the room for rent in about 2 - 3 months. Having my own place with cable tv, even if its a shack, would make a huge difference. And I have some tricks up my sleeves for busting out of hell too.
Keep you posted.
Monday, July 16, 2007
More mis-adventures at the club
So yes, here's another episode of my mis-adventures at to the club. For you few who have not read my musings before, I hate going to the club. But at the same time, I'm fascinated because its something new every single time I go.
I went to the club in Long Beach with my cousin, her boyfriend, his best friend and his wife. The boyfriend's BFF and his wife got into a huge argument while waiting for us and there was tension between them all night. My cousin got upset that some girl was sexy dancing in front of her man, and kept sitting next to him accidently, so she proceeded to slob him down in front of him and almost got into a fight with the girl. Which further supports my theory as to why couples should not go to the club together, it's asking for trouble.
The music was boring, there were all old people there, and there were absolutely no single attractive men under the age of 40. I take that back, no single attractive men at all.
Here's an interesting tidbit. Not a single black male approached me all night, not one. Not unusual for LA, they don't like us here. The random drunk person who decides I'm the one for him and decides to fixate on me all night was white (ghetto white boy), said that he was here with 4 black guys and they all refuse to mess with black girls. Too much drama, he says. Its weird. Keep in mind there are these are not the creme de la creme of black men, their old, overweight, wearing T-shirts and air force ones to the club, they avoided, me, my cousin, and the wife like the plague, and we were sitting by ourselves the whole night. It sucked.
And I am no longer in the wedding that I promised to be in, thank God. Long stupid ass story short, the bride's sister aka maid of honor tried very poorly to hit on my cousin's boyfriend (and yes, she knew they were together) thus her not being in the wedding and me following suit. Tried to get my deposit back on my bridesmaid's dress, manger saying no refunds on deposits, leading to the ugliest cuss that I have unloaded on a person in a very long time.
I'm over Loverboy, said it before I didn't believe myself until now. Without going into ugly ass detail, he basically proved point blank that he wants nothing to do with me romantically, and I am suprisingly okay. Like really okay.
And this now is going to be my solemn vow, I will never, ever, ever do something, in my gut that feels wrong ever, ever, again.
I went to the club in Long Beach with my cousin, her boyfriend, his best friend and his wife. The boyfriend's BFF and his wife got into a huge argument while waiting for us and there was tension between them all night. My cousin got upset that some girl was sexy dancing in front of her man, and kept sitting next to him accidently, so she proceeded to slob him down in front of him and almost got into a fight with the girl. Which further supports my theory as to why couples should not go to the club together, it's asking for trouble.
The music was boring, there were all old people there, and there were absolutely no single attractive men under the age of 40. I take that back, no single attractive men at all.
Here's an interesting tidbit. Not a single black male approached me all night, not one. Not unusual for LA, they don't like us here. The random drunk person who decides I'm the one for him and decides to fixate on me all night was white (ghetto white boy), said that he was here with 4 black guys and they all refuse to mess with black girls. Too much drama, he says. Its weird. Keep in mind there are these are not the creme de la creme of black men, their old, overweight, wearing T-shirts and air force ones to the club, they avoided, me, my cousin, and the wife like the plague, and we were sitting by ourselves the whole night. It sucked.
And I am no longer in the wedding that I promised to be in, thank God. Long stupid ass story short, the bride's sister aka maid of honor tried very poorly to hit on my cousin's boyfriend (and yes, she knew they were together) thus her not being in the wedding and me following suit. Tried to get my deposit back on my bridesmaid's dress, manger saying no refunds on deposits, leading to the ugliest cuss that I have unloaded on a person in a very long time.
I'm over Loverboy, said it before I didn't believe myself until now. Without going into ugly ass detail, he basically proved point blank that he wants nothing to do with me romantically, and I am suprisingly okay. Like really okay.
And this now is going to be my solemn vow, I will never, ever, ever do something, in my gut that feels wrong ever, ever, again.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Weirdo
So I've come to this conclusion recently. Yes, I'm a weirdo. I've actually come to terms with it. Most people who come into contact with me are going to think I am weird. It's okay. The reason I have recently accepted this is because I have moved to another state, started over with different people, and I have still gotten the label that has plagued me ever since grammar school. Weirdo....
Let me clarify this first of all, I don't think I'm weird. At all. My best friend since high school does not understand why people who went to school with us have always thought I was weird. My cousin who has known me my entire life, says I've always been weird. But she has always known it and accepted it. Most of my friends who I have met later in life are gay men, most people would probably think think that's weird. But I don't, I think its just fine.
In light of recent events, most people are stupid. All of you all probably have figured this out already. This is just my first time actually saying it out loud. Thank the lord, I have gone through enough crap in my life to not be like this. They're very banal, revolve their lives around the dumbest shit, and can pontificate for the longest amount of time about events that I didn't know you can describe for more that two sentences.
For the record here's a short list of why people think I'm weird,
(For lengths sake, I'll keep the explanations to a minimum)
1. I'm quiet.-Some people just don't talk a lot. I'm one of those people. Mostly I don't talk about myself very much. I didn't know you were supposed to.
2.I don't react to people.-I swear, you can sit there and tell me what you may think is the funniest joke in the whole world, if I don't think its funny I will look at you with straight stoneface and not even fake laugh. I think it pisses people off that they can't really get a read on me.
3.I don't talk about myself-Most of the time, with most people, I can't get a word in edgewise. I just think facets of your personality are something your friends or people who want to get to know you should discover on their own, not something you should blab about nonstop.
4.I'm smart-Upon meeting me for the first time, you'd probably think I was dumb, because I don't go around advertising it like some folks. Sometimes I see it as a character flaw, because I don't strive to work for Microsoft or something. But it's given me shit my whole life.
5.I'm self-aware-The gay boy(I promise to write about that one day) breaking up with me 5 years ago ended up being probably the best thing that ever happened to me because I sure as hell wouldn't be the person writing this blog. I don't care whether you're friends with me or not, I'm totally okay with being by myself. For example, the new season of Psych starts tonight on USA and the only way I'll miss that is if I see Harry Potter. That makes me glow.
Honorable mention: I like Harry Potter, would never date a thug, can talk for hours on end about acne and Shia Labeouf, don't even get me started on the movie dorkiness I can discuss them all the way down to art direction and plot holes.
Does all this seem weird to you?
Let me clarify this first of all, I don't think I'm weird. At all. My best friend since high school does not understand why people who went to school with us have always thought I was weird. My cousin who has known me my entire life, says I've always been weird. But she has always known it and accepted it. Most of my friends who I have met later in life are gay men, most people would probably think think that's weird. But I don't, I think its just fine.
In light of recent events, most people are stupid. All of you all probably have figured this out already. This is just my first time actually saying it out loud. Thank the lord, I have gone through enough crap in my life to not be like this. They're very banal, revolve their lives around the dumbest shit, and can pontificate for the longest amount of time about events that I didn't know you can describe for more that two sentences.
For the record here's a short list of why people think I'm weird,
(For lengths sake, I'll keep the explanations to a minimum)
1. I'm quiet.-Some people just don't talk a lot. I'm one of those people. Mostly I don't talk about myself very much. I didn't know you were supposed to.
2.I don't react to people.-I swear, you can sit there and tell me what you may think is the funniest joke in the whole world, if I don't think its funny I will look at you with straight stoneface and not even fake laugh. I think it pisses people off that they can't really get a read on me.
3.I don't talk about myself-Most of the time, with most people, I can't get a word in edgewise. I just think facets of your personality are something your friends or people who want to get to know you should discover on their own, not something you should blab about nonstop.
4.I'm smart-Upon meeting me for the first time, you'd probably think I was dumb, because I don't go around advertising it like some folks. Sometimes I see it as a character flaw, because I don't strive to work for Microsoft or something. But it's given me shit my whole life.
5.I'm self-aware-The gay boy(I promise to write about that one day) breaking up with me 5 years ago ended up being probably the best thing that ever happened to me because I sure as hell wouldn't be the person writing this blog. I don't care whether you're friends with me or not, I'm totally okay with being by myself. For example, the new season of Psych starts tonight on USA and the only way I'll miss that is if I see Harry Potter. That makes me glow.
Honorable mention: I like Harry Potter, would never date a thug, can talk for hours on end about acne and Shia Labeouf, don't even get me started on the movie dorkiness I can discuss them all the way down to art direction and plot holes.
Does all this seem weird to you?
Monday, July 09, 2007
*stupid blogger won't let me write a title*
So I am currently working in Satan's house, its official. It's the house of Satan. Evil dwells in the house. I am really stressed out. Plus, this job is not doing anything to relieve my financial status; which means no fall acting classes. My hair is breaking, I'm sick. Something's gotta give.
Pros:
I've been writing a lot. I've been reading a lot. I'm learing a lot about the way the world really works. How devious and fake people really are. My interest in trying to conquer the corporate world has completely waned. It's all about being an actress for sure.
It also pretty much saves your life to have something that you're passionate about, otherwise these jobs will get to you. When these people raise their noses at me, the first thing I think is, "What do you clear maybe 80 - 85 a year? Chump change. You can go ahead and hide behind your desks if you want, You have no idea how much richer I'm going to be than you one day. Richer than everyone in this bank combined." And I feel better, because I know it's true.
Success takes a lot of hard work. Duh, right. But you don't know unless you actually start experiencing all the bullshit you go through to start living your dream. I still don't know what possesses me to do this. Most people who make that kind of money independently, work hard. Really hard. That's what I'm trying to do.
Cons:
People suck. I'm so anti-social its not even funny. I applied for another position here, for more money, of course and the managers of that particular department told me to my face, that I dress to young, and no matter how hard I worked, I would never fit in. A little inappopriate during an interview don't you think? God, forbid that they hire me because I'm qualified for the job, but because I don't go around laughing at jokes that at stuffy old man jokes that aren't funny nor do I fake laugh, I don't fit in. Jesus, help everyone that I come on time and do whatever is asked of me. Just ri-damn-diculous.
I'm still in credit card hell, but I'm managing. I realize that this job as well as my living situation are a means to an end, and its this trouble is just temporary. It's not forever. Just until I get on my feet.
Everyone begin praying in unison that I get a better paying job soon, so I can get out of the seventh circle of hell.
Monday, July 02, 2007
The journey lives on...
Excuse the babbling, its been a journey here so far. One that hasn't let up yet.
Let’s start today out on a highly superficial note. I have given up sugar completely. I am a sweets addict. I don’t what it is about this polluted LA water but it has wrecked havoc on my skin. And I don’t know why, but every time I even look at sugar now, my skin erupts into this pimple filled volcano. I even started using proactive and it made it worse. Its looks like it’s trying to do something to improve now, but still it was touch and go there for a minute, and yes, my vanity is completely out of control.
I had a fun weekend. I needed this weekend. Last week was rough, in fact this whole depression period has been rough, but I actually did things to keep myself occupied that didn’t include charging my credit card with clothes I don’t need to fill that void in my life. It felt good. I'm going to start doing that from now on.
This weekend, I went to a water park for the first time, which meant I had to wear a swimsuit in public for the first time. I was terrified. But you know what, have you ever been to the beach? Nobody, and I mean hardly anybody is in shape. They go out there, they put on that swimsuit or two-piece, cellulite ridden or gut be damned, and they go swimming. After a while, even though I felt like I was walking around in my underwear, I didn’t care.
I don’t want to speak to soon, but Loverboy seems to have done a complete turnaround these last couple of weeks. Once again, I don’t want to speak to soon, but he’s actually very sweet. He’s not just having a sweet moment. He’s has his issues, just like myself, but he’s dearly sweet person, whose trying very hard to get himself through a rough time and I am glad that God put him in my life.
Let’s start today out on a highly superficial note. I have given up sugar completely. I am a sweets addict. I don’t what it is about this polluted LA water but it has wrecked havoc on my skin. And I don’t know why, but every time I even look at sugar now, my skin erupts into this pimple filled volcano. I even started using proactive and it made it worse. Its looks like it’s trying to do something to improve now, but still it was touch and go there for a minute, and yes, my vanity is completely out of control.
I had a fun weekend. I needed this weekend. Last week was rough, in fact this whole depression period has been rough, but I actually did things to keep myself occupied that didn’t include charging my credit card with clothes I don’t need to fill that void in my life. It felt good. I'm going to start doing that from now on.
This weekend, I went to a water park for the first time, which meant I had to wear a swimsuit in public for the first time. I was terrified. But you know what, have you ever been to the beach? Nobody, and I mean hardly anybody is in shape. They go out there, they put on that swimsuit or two-piece, cellulite ridden or gut be damned, and they go swimming. After a while, even though I felt like I was walking around in my underwear, I didn’t care.
I don’t want to speak to soon, but Loverboy seems to have done a complete turnaround these last couple of weeks. Once again, I don’t want to speak to soon, but he’s actually very sweet. He’s not just having a sweet moment. He’s has his issues, just like myself, but he’s dearly sweet person, whose trying very hard to get himself through a rough time and I am glad that God put him in my life.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
A Quick Note
Wanted to make the announcement that I have started working on my first short film. I actually started writing it, still have to do the research on financing and such. But I actually came up with a concept to say the least.
In other news, I'm still to broke to buy lemons from the farmers' market.
In other news, I'm still to broke to buy lemons from the farmers' market.
Monday, June 25, 2007
It's official. I'm miserable
So truth be told, I am unbelievably depressed right now. I hate when so much stuff going on that you don't really know where to begin. I'll try to go in order of importance.
I'm having family trouble. I'm actually going to avoid talking about this because I'll start crying.
I hate my job. That's the first time I've actually said it out loud. I'm grateful to have one, but it's demeaning. I'm a recepetionist. Not an office assistant. Not and admin. assistant. A receptionist. I know I want to be an actress and all, but I hate sitting down all day, I hate not doing anything worthwhile. I hate the money. I am completely aware I'm being a total brat, but I don't care. I took this job, truthfully, is because my temp agency has been so good to me since I've been here, I didn't want to disappoint them by leaving this one and taking another. Hence leading to my next point.
I'm too nice. I do things solely not to disappoint other people. God forbid they don't like, or have a less than positive opinion of me, but that's just the way I am. It is something that will have to change. I agreed to be in a wedding this weekend. For a girl I barely know. Why do you ask? Long story short, I was doing a favor for my cousin who also begrudgingly agreed. Plus, I'm bored. Need something to do. Which leads to my next point.
I'm lonely. I used to always make fun of people who say they were lonely, because I felt sorry for people who are not comfortable with themselves. Well, jokes on me now. Its different here, unlike what you see on tv, i.e. Most LA people being single and fabulous, everybody is in a relationship here. And you're weird if you're not. At least that's the way I feel. My cousin, who was supposed to be my roadog, braving Cali together, is pretty much completely devoted to her boyfriend at this point. As well she should be. But she doesn't want to go anywhere unless it has something to do with him and his friends. Me not having a life, just follows along. I'm not a follower. But I slowly feel like I'm becoming one.
The financial difficulty is just the icing on the cake.
My spirit is broken, I need to regroup. I need for it to hit me how I can start living for myself again, and start my way down that path to making it life. I guess you have to feel like this in order to start believing.
I'm having family trouble. I'm actually going to avoid talking about this because I'll start crying.
I hate my job. That's the first time I've actually said it out loud. I'm grateful to have one, but it's demeaning. I'm a recepetionist. Not an office assistant. Not and admin. assistant. A receptionist. I know I want to be an actress and all, but I hate sitting down all day, I hate not doing anything worthwhile. I hate the money. I am completely aware I'm being a total brat, but I don't care. I took this job, truthfully, is because my temp agency has been so good to me since I've been here, I didn't want to disappoint them by leaving this one and taking another. Hence leading to my next point.
I'm too nice. I do things solely not to disappoint other people. God forbid they don't like, or have a less than positive opinion of me, but that's just the way I am. It is something that will have to change. I agreed to be in a wedding this weekend. For a girl I barely know. Why do you ask? Long story short, I was doing a favor for my cousin who also begrudgingly agreed. Plus, I'm bored. Need something to do. Which leads to my next point.
I'm lonely. I used to always make fun of people who say they were lonely, because I felt sorry for people who are not comfortable with themselves. Well, jokes on me now. Its different here, unlike what you see on tv, i.e. Most LA people being single and fabulous, everybody is in a relationship here. And you're weird if you're not. At least that's the way I feel. My cousin, who was supposed to be my roadog, braving Cali together, is pretty much completely devoted to her boyfriend at this point. As well she should be. But she doesn't want to go anywhere unless it has something to do with him and his friends. Me not having a life, just follows along. I'm not a follower. But I slowly feel like I'm becoming one.
The financial difficulty is just the icing on the cake.
My spirit is broken, I need to regroup. I need for it to hit me how I can start living for myself again, and start my way down that path to making it life. I guess you have to feel like this in order to start believing.
Monday, June 18, 2007
The first ever double post...I'm broke/I'm going to be single forever
I don't know if I've ever been that open about my money problems before, but I guess I will now.
I'm broke. Who isn't right? Well, I am included in the most elite of the broke. Summary breakdown of my expenses?
Rent $600
car note $345
insurance $98
I owe the government $500
credit card bills from "emergencies" because I make no money...$1 million dollars.(not really, but close to it).
So I guess I could get a second job right? Wrong, I worked two jobs for three years and it didn't make a dent in my finances. Budget? okay, I have been lately. I made a commitmment to myself that I was going to get my shit together all summer so that I can start acting classes in the fall. Well, considering where I live and all the unexpected things that come up, (i.e. the flat tire I got last week, the $100 I still owe loverboy) its hard to do so.
My job? Pays nothing. I've never made money for real. Ever. As far as a second job, well it took me forever to get this one so I can't imagine getting another one that has to fit into a schedule. I'm not ruling it out completely, but its just I've been there and done that. And the more money you make, the more you spend.
The hard truth? I have been on roughly 15(?) job interviews and my already waning self-esteem was crushed a little with each one. Always the same shit, always the same protocol, always going with a internal candidate making the preparation as well as the trip itself a waste of time.I'm very grateful I can pay(or pay on) my bills, and I see this job as paying my dues and such, but I'm worth a lot more than this. It really disheartens me that I see so many people, people who I'm smarter than, people who don't know the meaning of working hard, get ahead based on the fact that they knew someone, or they just plain got lucky. I am very aware that the world is not fair, but screw that. I'm tired of the world not being fair, and I am so sick of the people who deserve the most getting the shit kicked out of them.
And scene...
Dude I spoke about in my last post? Done.
Summary. Met me for drinks on Sunday. Saw him there drinking, drunk out of his mind. Depressed more than anyone I've ever seen.Turns out the only reason he invited me in the first place is because he needed someone to pay for his drinks. He left his card at another bar. Didn't know this until after I got the bill. He said that he had money at his house and he would follow me to mine to give me the money back. He went in his house. I took off. Haven't seen or heard from him since.
Found out yesterday from his friend that he saw his ex-fiance with another man the day prior to our gathering. And apparently he's suicidal because of it. Not funny, but kinda funny. The bitch in me admits that.
Needless to say, my record remains intact. So girls, if you want to find out if your man is crazy or not, have him around me for about a day. Trust me, its like dracula turning ordinary humans into the undead.
Monday, June 11, 2007
I need some help....
So maybe you all can help me.
I'm seeing someone...blah, blah, I know don't get your panties in an uproar it ain't all that. When I met him, I didn't feel that overwhelming attraction that I usually feel with guys I "like". He said all the right things. I heard from his friends that he was a really good guy. He has a good job, his own place, and no kids. Hallelujah.
The bad. He was engaged 3 months ago. His fiance all but left him at the altar. He's not over it. He drinks everyday. So far in the past 3 weeks I've known him, he's stood me up twice, I had to push him off me on our first outing because he was a little to drunk and got too handsy (for which he slept in the car for), and I actually had to buy drinks yesterday because he got too drunk and lost his credit card. Sounds like a winner, huh.
It's pretty obvious he's not over that girl. It's lonely out here, so I'm trying to be patient as possible. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if i'm going to break up with him via voicemail, passive aggressive not returning phone calls, or tell him straight to his face. I've never dumped someone in their face before. I practiced my speech too, it goes something like this:
"I really like you a lot, so this is really hard for me. But it seems like your head isn't in this. Maybe some other time when you're ready to try this for real."
Sounds good right? I'll keep you posted.
I'm seeing someone...blah, blah, I know don't get your panties in an uproar it ain't all that. When I met him, I didn't feel that overwhelming attraction that I usually feel with guys I "like". He said all the right things. I heard from his friends that he was a really good guy. He has a good job, his own place, and no kids. Hallelujah.
The bad. He was engaged 3 months ago. His fiance all but left him at the altar. He's not over it. He drinks everyday. So far in the past 3 weeks I've known him, he's stood me up twice, I had to push him off me on our first outing because he was a little to drunk and got too handsy (for which he slept in the car for), and I actually had to buy drinks yesterday because he got too drunk and lost his credit card. Sounds like a winner, huh.
It's pretty obvious he's not over that girl. It's lonely out here, so I'm trying to be patient as possible. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if i'm going to break up with him via voicemail, passive aggressive not returning phone calls, or tell him straight to his face. I've never dumped someone in their face before. I practiced my speech too, it goes something like this:
"I really like you a lot, so this is really hard for me. But it seems like your head isn't in this. Maybe some other time when you're ready to try this for real."
Sounds good right? I'll keep you posted.
Friday, June 01, 2007
An All New Random Blog Tidbits Post!!
1. I swear I have gotten so ridiculously vain since I have moved here. I have spent at least the last 7 years not giving a shit about what I look like when I left the house. Now I can barely afford my rent, but my hair and nails are done every week.
2. In, yet another case of my rotten man luck. I met a guy on Saturday. A really nice guy. I never meet nice guys. Ever. It sucks because this one actually had potential. Turns out, he just got of a really bad relationship. Like, girl left him at the altar bad. 3 months ago. Told him to call me when he works through his pain.
3. Loverboy is moving back home. Like out of LA, back to the south home. He says its only for a couple of months, but honestly I don't think he's coming back. Its okay. I figured God gave us enough time for me to live with him, fully understand him, save some money to get my own place, and start my life here. I will always be grateful for what he did for me. But he needs to work out his demons on his own now, or at least with someone else.
4. Loverboy's roomate and I officially hate each other. Not that we didn't before, but Loverboy has to keep us seperated now. Fucking asshole.
2. In, yet another case of my rotten man luck. I met a guy on Saturday. A really nice guy. I never meet nice guys. Ever. It sucks because this one actually had potential. Turns out, he just got of a really bad relationship. Like, girl left him at the altar bad. 3 months ago. Told him to call me when he works through his pain.
3. Loverboy is moving back home. Like out of LA, back to the south home. He says its only for a couple of months, but honestly I don't think he's coming back. Its okay. I figured God gave us enough time for me to live with him, fully understand him, save some money to get my own place, and start my life here. I will always be grateful for what he did for me. But he needs to work out his demons on his own now, or at least with someone else.
4. Loverboy's roomate and I officially hate each other. Not that we didn't before, but Loverboy has to keep us seperated now. Fucking asshole.
Monday, May 21, 2007
6 months....
6 months...That's exactly how long I'm giving myself to find another job. The bank bought me out so now I am actually am employee with 401K, health insurance, and everything. My title is switchboard receptionist. I hate it .
Truth be told, it is a huge relief to have some sense of security. I have more money coming in, I can actually move out of my place of residence within the 8-month timeframe that I created up for myself, I can start taking some acting classes in the fall, I can get my hair done every two weeks, and I can go home in July without worrying about if I will have a job when I get back. I wish it was a little more dignified. I wish it was a hot shit job with a lot of money so that I can really go to sleep at night. But its only temporary, and I mean it. I will never, ever, ever, eva eva eva eva eva stay at a job again for that long that I absolutely hate. Broke, bills or not. Its just not worth it. Since I have the experience of doing that now, I will never, ever, do it again. Did I say never ever by the way?
As far as insurance goes, it does not kick in until September, freaking September! Which means somehow, I'm going to have to come out of the pocket and pay Cobra $345 a month for the next 3 months!! Its not happening. Its just not.
Since I did temping for so many months now, and built somewhat of a good reputation with them, if I fuck up somehow and get fired here I can go back to temping. So it relieves a lot of stress from me to be attempting to be miss perfect all the time. Which I have been known to do. I actually need to save quite a bit of money from each check that I recieve instead of saying "ooh, I have $50 dollars left from this check, that's enough for like some decent pants and some shoes!!!" which I have been known to do...A lot.
In short, I am marking today as the first day until I find a new job. May 21st. That gives me until November/December-ish to get my shit together. I'm determined, so let's all start praying now.
Truth be told, it is a huge relief to have some sense of security. I have more money coming in, I can actually move out of my place of residence within the 8-month timeframe that I created up for myself, I can start taking some acting classes in the fall, I can get my hair done every two weeks, and I can go home in July without worrying about if I will have a job when I get back. I wish it was a little more dignified. I wish it was a hot shit job with a lot of money so that I can really go to sleep at night. But its only temporary, and I mean it. I will never, ever, ever, eva eva eva eva eva stay at a job again for that long that I absolutely hate. Broke, bills or not. Its just not worth it. Since I have the experience of doing that now, I will never, ever, do it again. Did I say never ever by the way?
As far as insurance goes, it does not kick in until September, freaking September! Which means somehow, I'm going to have to come out of the pocket and pay Cobra $345 a month for the next 3 months!! Its not happening. Its just not.
Since I did temping for so many months now, and built somewhat of a good reputation with them, if I fuck up somehow and get fired here I can go back to temping. So it relieves a lot of stress from me to be attempting to be miss perfect all the time. Which I have been known to do. I actually need to save quite a bit of money from each check that I recieve instead of saying "ooh, I have $50 dollars left from this check, that's enough for like some decent pants and some shoes!!!" which I have been known to do...A lot.
In short, I am marking today as the first day until I find a new job. May 21st. That gives me until November/December-ish to get my shit together. I'm determined, so let's all start praying now.
Monday, May 14, 2007
The Deprogram
Its been an interesting journey so far since my move. I have learned more about myself in the last 3 and a half months than in the last 2 years. To summarize what I have learned about myself per a converstation with my cousin: I have absolutely no self image, I cannot make a decision on my own, and I have only gotten this far in life because I'm good at being told what to do.
I have never spoken about my upbringing on this blog before because it (a)makes me angry, (b)I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and (c) I am trying to deprogram everything that I was taught growing up. In short, my father used to be a domineering asshole (he's evolved greatly since then, thank god), my mother was a doormat for him (still), my sister and I hated each other for most of our lives, end of story.
I guess they did do something right, because I am fairly normal to the naked eye, but that's only after many, many years of being on my own. I guess you would never know it because of this blog, but I am by nature a very quiet person. Introverted, almost. I have a lot of trouble speaking my mind. I feel nautious when I know I there is a confrontation. Even though I will never admit it out loud, I have a problem with people not liking me. The reason why is because most of my life, I never had any friends. The highlighted reasons being: I was by myself a lot, hence I didn't really react to people...still don't, hence people thought I was weird. If I met a friend I wasn't allowed to hang out with them, and also if I met someone that was cool, something always happened where they either moved away, or just plain outgrew me. All girls school. No boys in my life. Even as friends. If so, always cussed out by my dad. The one and only boyfriend was chased away by my dad at age 17 when he wanted to come see me. I know, tear.
Stability sucks by the way. Don't do that to your children. Move to a new house at least once, just for kicks. They may hate it at first, but they will thank you when they get older. I lived in the same house from birth to age 18. Every one I knew moved away at some point. I have a lot of trouble adapting to new situations. The only reason I went to college in Missouri because I wanted to go somewhere where my parents had no chance of popping up ever. I couldn't take living in that hell anymore.
Moving to LA is literally the only thing I have ever done completely for myself. I have been afraid to go for my fullest potential, because I always felt intimidated by it. I am working very, very hard to deprogram all this shit.
I have never spoken about my upbringing on this blog before because it (a)makes me angry, (b)I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and (c) I am trying to deprogram everything that I was taught growing up. In short, my father used to be a domineering asshole (he's evolved greatly since then, thank god), my mother was a doormat for him (still), my sister and I hated each other for most of our lives, end of story.
I guess they did do something right, because I am fairly normal to the naked eye, but that's only after many, many years of being on my own. I guess you would never know it because of this blog, but I am by nature a very quiet person. Introverted, almost. I have a lot of trouble speaking my mind. I feel nautious when I know I there is a confrontation. Even though I will never admit it out loud, I have a problem with people not liking me. The reason why is because most of my life, I never had any friends. The highlighted reasons being: I was by myself a lot, hence I didn't really react to people...still don't, hence people thought I was weird. If I met a friend I wasn't allowed to hang out with them, and also if I met someone that was cool, something always happened where they either moved away, or just plain outgrew me. All girls school. No boys in my life. Even as friends. If so, always cussed out by my dad. The one and only boyfriend was chased away by my dad at age 17 when he wanted to come see me. I know, tear.
Stability sucks by the way. Don't do that to your children. Move to a new house at least once, just for kicks. They may hate it at first, but they will thank you when they get older. I lived in the same house from birth to age 18. Every one I knew moved away at some point. I have a lot of trouble adapting to new situations. The only reason I went to college in Missouri because I wanted to go somewhere where my parents had no chance of popping up ever. I couldn't take living in that hell anymore.
Moving to LA is literally the only thing I have ever done completely for myself. I have been afraid to go for my fullest potential, because I always felt intimidated by it. I am working very, very hard to deprogram all this shit.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Whole Foods
So today, I had my first actual culture shock since I have moved here. It was a place that was horrifying yet intriguing, mysterious, as well as a place I hope to never have visit anytime ever again. This place actually reminded me that Dorothy is no longer in Kansas anymore. And this magical netherland of epic proportions is...
Whole Foods Grocery Store.
I'm shaking as I am typing this. Whole Foods is an organic grocery store is pretty much all over LA. No Walmarts here buddy, just expensive ass shopping all around. I kind of knew it was organic, but I didn't know it was that organic. It's vegan organic. Scary. I went in after lunch to get some $3.00 Aunt Jemima's microwave Pancakes and Sausage boxes for breakfast. Needless to say they don't sell that at whole foods.
To debunk all of your prejudged notions, everybody in LA is not skinny and pretty. That is a myth. Only in certain parts of LA do you find those people, and apparently in a Whole Foods grocery store is one of them. There a lot of skinny people here. I mean skinny. And the way you see the little celebutantes dress on the paparazzi photos with the short ass summer dresses with cowboy boots with leggings...yeah, they all dress like that. As far as the men, they're even skinnier and prettier than the women. They have model hair*. They wear makeup too. You look around thinking that you may be looking at celebrities, when in fact, its just the LA people period.
I felt fat going in there. I felt uncomfortable, looked it too. Kept looking over my shoulder and shit, hoping to catch a skinny girl frowning at what I have let myself become. First time, suprisingly since I've been here. There was this girl in another line fully made up wearing short shorts and cowboy boots who I swore was Courtney Cox. Another who I swore was Cameron Diaz. But no, two random girls standing in line. I felt like everybody was staring at me from the waist down assessing the circumfrence of my hamhock thighs and how could I let something so tragic happen to my legs? Can you feel my trauma?
Anyway, so never, ever again unless I feel the overwhelming need to become a vegetarian, or I'm trapped in the desert overcome with thirst, and all drought has caused all the cacti to dry up and the only place that has water available to continue my life as I know it is a whole foods.
Thank you.
*Model hair - shaggy longish hair cuts, that are supposed to look like one just rolled out of bed, when in fact the hairstyle takes a lot of time to do.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Don't get too happy, Paris Hilton is not going to jail
Paris Hilton is going to jail, huh. Well, I was overjoyed until it hit me that she most likely won't have to serve the whole 45 days. The jails are extremely overcrowded so I'm highballing it and guessing she'll only do about a week. Plus, people out here know that bitch isn't going to jail. I don't know if any of you have ever been in LA long enough to watch the news, but they lick celebrity's assholes here; even on the news. It becomes clearer and clearer exactly why there all assholes, because they get special treatment here like its not tomorrow.
In other news...
I was offered the receptionist position at the bank where I am currently temping. Nothing else has come along, and there are things that are coming up such as hmmm... headshots, acting classes, hair appointments as well as the extravagances such as rent, food, car note, gas etc., you know all the leftover stuff. So as you can see, I really couldn't afford to be the "against the establishment nomad" that I was intent on being for a little while. I still have some reservations, i.e. "being receptionist is beneath me", "I have a degree, I want to make real money", blah blah. Then I stop and say to myself..bitch you moved here to be an actress, if you were starting out as an actress you would not say no to parts that were beneath you, you would take what was offered because you needed money. Same rule applies here.
Oh, I don't know if I've mentioned this yet but I actually saw Paris Hilton in person like a week ago. All hatred aside, she really does look like a tranny.
In other news...
I was offered the receptionist position at the bank where I am currently temping. Nothing else has come along, and there are things that are coming up such as hmmm... headshots, acting classes, hair appointments as well as the extravagances such as rent, food, car note, gas etc., you know all the leftover stuff. So as you can see, I really couldn't afford to be the "against the establishment nomad" that I was intent on being for a little while. I still have some reservations, i.e. "being receptionist is beneath me", "I have a degree, I want to make real money", blah blah. Then I stop and say to myself..bitch you moved here to be an actress, if you were starting out as an actress you would not say no to parts that were beneath you, you would take what was offered because you needed money. Same rule applies here.
Oh, I don't know if I've mentioned this yet but I actually saw Paris Hilton in person like a week ago. All hatred aside, she really does look like a tranny.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Britney Spears, I hate you
Britney Spears is a dumb bitch. Look at that shit. I mean damn, my hatred for her has surpassed Tyra Banks at this point. Britney almost makes Tyra look sincere. Almost. I mean look at that shit.
An ongoing theme of this blog is how much I hate attention whores. What excuse in the world is it for you to be that damn needy? Okay, you did not receive enough attention in your life from whoever. Fine. Who has? Everyone at some point in their life does not receive the attention they want from somebody, but to the detriment of others? To the point where your not even ashamed of looking desperate? Oh, hell no.
Kevin Federline. Not only do I know his name, I know how to spell it and use it correctly in a sentence. Worse of all, Kevin Federline has more money than me and you. Why? Because he was in the same club as her, sold her some drugs one night, and told her she was pretty. Not mad at him either, if Britney saw me and decided that I was the one for her, I would drop everything just to fake the lesbo. Why? Because the stupid bitch would believe it and I would be paid.
Sadly one of the reasons I really hate Britney Spears, because of all the trainwrecks we have seen so far in the past few years, she is the one who has a legitmate shot of being big again. How? Because I think we all have forgotten how huge Britney was in her prime. I happen to catch her pepsi commercial from back in the day on you tube, and dammit if that commercial wasn't the shit. People started drinking pepsi just because of that campaign. Someone could stick her name on dog feces, call it face cream, and it would sell. A lot. I'd buy it. All it would take is one catchy ass song, and that's it. She's on top again, and the whole world would tune in, even if it is to watch her fall.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Pros and Cons of LA
(I apologize for the length of this post)
So its been 2 and a half months now, so I can give an analysis of the pros and cons that I have experienced in LA so far.
Cons
1. A lot of hurry up and wait.
For no reason. I can't tell you how many people have called me wanting to leave my job in the middle of the day with 5 resumes, writing samples, a book about my life etc., to drive to kingdom come asap, just for them to tell me when I arrive that they've already hired someone internally. It teaches you a lot about what to rush for and what your priorities should be.
2. There are a lot of people who live and work in this country who do not speak English.
And I'm not talking about just Spanish either, japanese, chinese, etc. There's a mexican security guard who works in my building who's wife does not speak English even though she's been in this country for 10 years. I asked why she never learned English? She said she doesn't need to. Everything is available to her somehow in Spanish. I actually had a man cuss me out nasty this morning on the phone because I didn't speak spanish...go figure.
3.The people who are mean take themselves way too seriously
These are the assholes that people talk about in LA. Its very, very few things in this world in my opinion that are that deep. I guess its because I'm on the phone all day, and I've temped so much in entertainment so far, but the ones with the egos freak out about the dumbest things. My most recent example has been a loan officer who wanted me to pull another out of a business meeting because they needed to talk to them about a possible deal. God forbid, I take their number down and have the person call them back when they're done, that's just unheard of. My favorite example of this so far are the assistants who think they're rich because they work for someone rich.
4. The man keeps you down
The reason I don't have a job right now is because I refuse to get stuck somewhere again where I have no chance in hell at moving up. Every interview that I have been on has been like that. I'll do grunt work sure, only if there's a chance I won't have to do it anymore.
5. The women
In short, they suck. One girl I tried to make friends with I met though Loverboy. Long story short, she was a crazy attention whore skank and all three of us ended up in a screaming match. I found that this particular trait is common in a lot of LA women.
Pros
1. I've never been so driven in my entire life
Seeing all these people drive around in their expensive cars, and working for people who make stupid ass power play rules just because they can, make me so determined to have my own shit. I'm really surprised that I am still temping because the me that I know would have taken the stable admin. asst. office job and ran with it.
2. My eating habits have drastically changed
I've lost roughly 10 pounds since I've been here. I've been sick ever since I been here. Add to that, I'm not hanging around Addam who is constantly talking about food and losing weight in the same breath. I'm not in a work environment with people who are overweight constantly talk about food. I don't know where to get fried chicken here, at home I can name 3 off the top of my head, 2 within walking distance. Plus, I lived somewhere for 2 months where the only places you can get food without enountering much traffic or getting on the freeway is McDonalds. I hate fast food.
3. I've started to care actually care less what people think about me
My cousin told me something beautiful the other day. She said, "I have enough friends. I don't need anymore." Dammit if that didn't strike a chord. I guess when you're in a new place, you're in survival mode. You feel you need to make friends so you won't look like such a loser. No you don't. Here, I have my cousin, her boyfriend and her kids, my beautician's aunt who lives here, and (groan) (at the moment) Loverboy. That's all I need.
4. Black men are a trip
Not specific to here, that's everywhere.
So its been 2 and a half months now, so I can give an analysis of the pros and cons that I have experienced in LA so far.
Cons
1. A lot of hurry up and wait.
For no reason. I can't tell you how many people have called me wanting to leave my job in the middle of the day with 5 resumes, writing samples, a book about my life etc., to drive to kingdom come asap, just for them to tell me when I arrive that they've already hired someone internally. It teaches you a lot about what to rush for and what your priorities should be.
2. There are a lot of people who live and work in this country who do not speak English.
And I'm not talking about just Spanish either, japanese, chinese, etc. There's a mexican security guard who works in my building who's wife does not speak English even though she's been in this country for 10 years. I asked why she never learned English? She said she doesn't need to. Everything is available to her somehow in Spanish. I actually had a man cuss me out nasty this morning on the phone because I didn't speak spanish...go figure.
3.The people who are mean take themselves way too seriously
These are the assholes that people talk about in LA. Its very, very few things in this world in my opinion that are that deep. I guess its because I'm on the phone all day, and I've temped so much in entertainment so far, but the ones with the egos freak out about the dumbest things. My most recent example has been a loan officer who wanted me to pull another out of a business meeting because they needed to talk to them about a possible deal. God forbid, I take their number down and have the person call them back when they're done, that's just unheard of. My favorite example of this so far are the assistants who think they're rich because they work for someone rich.
4. The man keeps you down
The reason I don't have a job right now is because I refuse to get stuck somewhere again where I have no chance in hell at moving up. Every interview that I have been on has been like that. I'll do grunt work sure, only if there's a chance I won't have to do it anymore.
5. The women
In short, they suck. One girl I tried to make friends with I met though Loverboy. Long story short, she was a crazy attention whore skank and all three of us ended up in a screaming match. I found that this particular trait is common in a lot of LA women.
Pros
1. I've never been so driven in my entire life
Seeing all these people drive around in their expensive cars, and working for people who make stupid ass power play rules just because they can, make me so determined to have my own shit. I'm really surprised that I am still temping because the me that I know would have taken the stable admin. asst. office job and ran with it.
2. My eating habits have drastically changed
I've lost roughly 10 pounds since I've been here. I've been sick ever since I been here. Add to that, I'm not hanging around Addam who is constantly talking about food and losing weight in the same breath. I'm not in a work environment with people who are overweight constantly talk about food. I don't know where to get fried chicken here, at home I can name 3 off the top of my head, 2 within walking distance. Plus, I lived somewhere for 2 months where the only places you can get food without enountering much traffic or getting on the freeway is McDonalds. I hate fast food.
3. I've started to care actually care less what people think about me
My cousin told me something beautiful the other day. She said, "I have enough friends. I don't need anymore." Dammit if that didn't strike a chord. I guess when you're in a new place, you're in survival mode. You feel you need to make friends so you won't look like such a loser. No you don't. Here, I have my cousin, her boyfriend and her kids, my beautician's aunt who lives here, and (groan) (at the moment) Loverboy. That's all I need.
4. Black men are a trip
Not specific to here, that's everywhere.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The Roomate
Loverboy's roomate, put my stuff out his room yesterday. Yes, the weedhead. The bed I had been sleeping in. He's been eating my food. He sat there and watched me rummage through the kitchen like a madwoman looking for my chunky chicken noodle soup that I found out later he ate. He's been bitching about every single thing I've done even though (a) he's never there (b) he hasn't paid a single utility since he's lived there. He installed a lock on his door so I can't go in there at all anymore.
And the kicker? Why he's acting like a brat even though I did nothing to him at all? That's what pissed him off, that I actually chose to go about my business instead of being up in his face like an attention whore female.
And..From what Loverboy has told me so far, he pissed at me because I didn't fuck him. No...seriously.
I could go on and on about how sad that men are so damn insecure that they think all women need attention from them whether they like them or not. Its also sad that there are so many female attention whores in the world that some men don't know how to respond to one who isn't. But my true reaction? There are 32 people who lost their lives yesterday for no reason whatsoever, this is beneath me.
And the kicker? Why he's acting like a brat even though I did nothing to him at all? That's what pissed him off, that I actually chose to go about my business instead of being up in his face like an attention whore female.
And..From what Loverboy has told me so far, he pissed at me because I didn't fuck him. No...seriously.
I could go on and on about how sad that men are so damn insecure that they think all women need attention from them whether they like them or not. Its also sad that there are so many female attention whores in the world that some men don't know how to respond to one who isn't. But my true reaction? There are 32 people who lost their lives yesterday for no reason whatsoever, this is beneath me.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
This blog really is becoming the days of my life....
So I went on another job interview this morning. Quite an interesting experience.
Basically the job was for an administrative assistant for a railroad company. The interview itself actually didn't feel like an interview, it felt more like a therapy session.
The guy was really laid back. I mean really. It threw me off. After he asked me the basic interview questions, about my skills and such. He basically told me this, "You don't want this job do you?". I was stunned. He continued to say that this job was basically for people looking for boring stability, who want a paycheck and want something to do with their day. There is not a huge possibilty of moving up, but if you want it let me know. I was dumbfounded.
He also said of all the people that he's interviewed I was by far the brightest as well as the most normal. And I would have to let him know if I felt it was a good fit for me. I would also have to leave the temp job that is currently paying me to come back this afternoon to meet his supervisors.
Needless to say, I could not do it.
I just quit a job that had me as an automaton for 6 years, to come here to be an actress. Consistent salary, 401K, free health insurance say what? If I took that job, there is no way in hell I would ever leave. No acting classes, blowing off auditions because I couldn't get off work, being stuck in the same damn position year by year with no hope of moving up. Hello, job I just left? He saw it, too. He told me that just based on me speaking skill wise I could do the job, he also could not understand why I was not working already, but he could sense my trepidation walking through the door. He asked why? I told him that in my head I know its just an interview, but I feel like I'm getting judged from head to toe and it makes me uncomfortable. I also hate the fact that I know that I need them more than they need me.
He proceeded to tell me that I'm not going to get very far in life by doing this. He also said I need to stop being so easily intimidated, to which I replied easier said than done.
I'm good about faking the confidence in my every day life, acting the diva, pretending I don't take shit from people. But when I comes right down to an actual situation to where I need to rise and conquer, I fail miserably. Professionally and personally. He helped me see that I am a person who is realistic, bright, and capable. I just for some reason keep holding my own self back. My gay ex-boyfriend (who I promise I will write about one day) used to tell me this exact statement that has been echoing in my head to this day, "You are the type of person who would be happy working for somebody."
This conversation also helped me see why I am not in a relationship. Because I've been in one with Loverboy for 5 damn years. Still.
So I'm working at bank now, and right now, and all job BS side, I'm just trying my hardest not to fuck it up.
Basically the job was for an administrative assistant for a railroad company. The interview itself actually didn't feel like an interview, it felt more like a therapy session.
The guy was really laid back. I mean really. It threw me off. After he asked me the basic interview questions, about my skills and such. He basically told me this, "You don't want this job do you?". I was stunned. He continued to say that this job was basically for people looking for boring stability, who want a paycheck and want something to do with their day. There is not a huge possibilty of moving up, but if you want it let me know. I was dumbfounded.
He also said of all the people that he's interviewed I was by far the brightest as well as the most normal. And I would have to let him know if I felt it was a good fit for me. I would also have to leave the temp job that is currently paying me to come back this afternoon to meet his supervisors.
Needless to say, I could not do it.
I just quit a job that had me as an automaton for 6 years, to come here to be an actress. Consistent salary, 401K, free health insurance say what? If I took that job, there is no way in hell I would ever leave. No acting classes, blowing off auditions because I couldn't get off work, being stuck in the same damn position year by year with no hope of moving up. Hello, job I just left? He saw it, too. He told me that just based on me speaking skill wise I could do the job, he also could not understand why I was not working already, but he could sense my trepidation walking through the door. He asked why? I told him that in my head I know its just an interview, but I feel like I'm getting judged from head to toe and it makes me uncomfortable. I also hate the fact that I know that I need them more than they need me.
He proceeded to tell me that I'm not going to get very far in life by doing this. He also said I need to stop being so easily intimidated, to which I replied easier said than done.
I'm good about faking the confidence in my every day life, acting the diva, pretending I don't take shit from people. But when I comes right down to an actual situation to where I need to rise and conquer, I fail miserably. Professionally and personally. He helped me see that I am a person who is realistic, bright, and capable. I just for some reason keep holding my own self back. My gay ex-boyfriend (who I promise I will write about one day) used to tell me this exact statement that has been echoing in my head to this day, "You are the type of person who would be happy working for somebody."
This conversation also helped me see why I am not in a relationship. Because I've been in one with Loverboy for 5 damn years. Still.
So I'm working at bank now, and right now, and all job BS side, I'm just trying my hardest not to fuck it up.
Friday, April 06, 2007
I feel better
Lord, I was sick last and this week, man. I forgot what sick actually felt like until last week. And because of such sick, that last post sucked moldy ass as a result of being hopped up on drugs, so I feel the need to redeem myself
So I realize I am not cut out for the nomad life, bouncing from temp job to temp job, sleeping on people's couches all free spirited and shit. Uh-uh, not for me. My guess is I'm more type A personality than I originally thought. My body, or rather God was trying to tell me something. I realize that I really hated my last job, the one I was fired from. I thought I liked it, but I was lying to myself. The long hours with hardly any pay, sucks. The running around while using an archaic phone/computer system sucks. The constant watching of the ass kissing, god help me, I was already throwing up on my own. And when you're hunched over the toilet sweating profusely praying to God, and your co-worker gives you the fakest "are you ok?" you have ever heard in your life, makes you angrier than if she hadn't said anything at all.
I also don't want to work in the entertainment business unless I am an actor. Seriously not worth it unless you're the talent. The hours, as I said before are very long. The jobs in the entertainment business itself are kind of stupid. For example, there are a lot of assistants. Basically assistants are glorified secretaries who think their better than you because you they work for someone rich. As many agents, managers, etc. there are there are 2 to 3 times as many assistants. And their job, to me, is more demeaning than answering phones. There is one assistant that I worked with whose boss did not even have a computer in his office. She literally had to schedule everything for him right down to where and when he ate dinner every night. She even made him wait for him until 9' o clock one night until he finished dinner to warn him in case someone important calls. Keep in mind, this is just his work assistant, not his personal one. You can imagine what his personal one goes through.
You also have to take into account that there are aspiring writers, producers, agents, managers, who move to Hollywood, all very ready to kiss the right person's ass for their shot. Sorry, I'm not an ass kisser.
I am going to continue my quest to be an actor, but now I know for sure I am not going to sacrifice myself to do it. My health has not been the best since I have moved out here and I am sure I have spread myself way to thin. I have too much stuff to do in too little time.
So I realize I am not cut out for the nomad life, bouncing from temp job to temp job, sleeping on people's couches all free spirited and shit. Uh-uh, not for me. My guess is I'm more type A personality than I originally thought. My body, or rather God was trying to tell me something. I realize that I really hated my last job, the one I was fired from. I thought I liked it, but I was lying to myself. The long hours with hardly any pay, sucks. The running around while using an archaic phone/computer system sucks. The constant watching of the ass kissing, god help me, I was already throwing up on my own. And when you're hunched over the toilet sweating profusely praying to God, and your co-worker gives you the fakest "are you ok?" you have ever heard in your life, makes you angrier than if she hadn't said anything at all.
I also don't want to work in the entertainment business unless I am an actor. Seriously not worth it unless you're the talent. The hours, as I said before are very long. The jobs in the entertainment business itself are kind of stupid. For example, there are a lot of assistants. Basically assistants are glorified secretaries who think their better than you because you they work for someone rich. As many agents, managers, etc. there are there are 2 to 3 times as many assistants. And their job, to me, is more demeaning than answering phones. There is one assistant that I worked with whose boss did not even have a computer in his office. She literally had to schedule everything for him right down to where and when he ate dinner every night. She even made him wait for him until 9' o clock one night until he finished dinner to warn him in case someone important calls. Keep in mind, this is just his work assistant, not his personal one. You can imagine what his personal one goes through.
You also have to take into account that there are aspiring writers, producers, agents, managers, who move to Hollywood, all very ready to kiss the right person's ass for their shot. Sorry, I'm not an ass kisser.
I am going to continue my quest to be an actor, but now I know for sure I am not going to sacrifice myself to do it. My health has not been the best since I have moved out here and I am sure I have spread myself way to thin. I have too much stuff to do in too little time.
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