The Ugly Day

Im having an ugly day, or rather an ugly week. I believe its karma or God's little way of keeping me humble. It seems like literally the minute, that I start to accept how I am and work with what I have, someone comes along and subtley reminds me ,"umm, no you need to do a little better than that."

For example, I haven't lost any weight but I haven't really gained any in the last two months. The miraculous 13 pound weight loss that I had last year is creeping up, 7 lbs. and counting. I honestly don't even care. I'm not going through all that shit again eating healthy choice meals and all that damn running. Just to gain it right back again when I take a day off? Fuck that. Neeedless to say, I haven't been exactly lazy, but I've gone on what I like to call a reverse psychological low-self esteem infused exercise strike, translated into "I ain't got nobody anyway, so what am I doing all this shit for." My only motivation for exercising now is so I won't se my gut hanging over my pants, a motivation that is becoming less and less vital to me every day as I exist with my persistent singleness.

My workouts have dwindled down into occasional yoga and Carmen Electra cardio striptease DVD's (which are great by the way), and I'm kind of like, whatever I'll watch what I eat to overcompensate the laziness, which is what I've been doing. I thought my plan was working out very well until my friend came by to use my computer. (I'm bloated anyway b/c its that time of the month and I just gotten through drinking a liter bottle of water, I know excuses, excuses). I was leaned over in my chair and he looked at me and said, "dang, what happened." Here we go again, one paycheck away from starting the coke habit...

I have two gripes about this story. The first being, why do people feel the need to tell me the truth all the damn time. Why? Why can't people just lie to me to appease my feelings? Why not? I do it to them. My life would be so much easier if people just constantly told me how pretty and skinny I am. I swear to God, when I put hours into planning an outfit and think it looks good, its like motherfuckers are lining up around the block to tell me how godawful I look. True enough the ensemble may be ugly, but can I have time to look back on it and reflect on it being ugly a couple of years down the line myself? If someone is feeling good about themselves, I don't ruin their fun, I lie to them and talk about them behind their backs like a real friend should.

Two. I always said that I would work out to the point where I am satisfied, and I wasn't doing that shit anymore. I'll starve myself or take diet pills or something, becuase honestly is hard as hell to lose weight and its even harder to maintain it once you lose it. And it's miserable existence, if I want a cheesburger at 2:00 in the morning I want to eat a damn cheesburger. Then I want to go to sleep. I don't want to bust my ass in the gym every day because its boring and I sweat out my perm. I know, that I need not think that way and work out for health reasons but fuck it, I got a check-up a month ago and I'm healthy, but I don't want to have two stomachs either.

I guess since I want to be an actress, I just need to put the braids in my head, shut up and run because there is no other option but to be in shape. But seriously, these fat people seem awfully happy, maybe there a method to their madness. Or maybe they just have really good friends who do the right thing and lie about them not being that big, hmm..