New random Tidbits.

God I need to update this thing more often, its not even funny. I'm trying.

Good news, though. I am in a better mental place now than I have been in years. And by myself, without a man, without Mike. Begrudging I admit that this is the first time this is happened.

I finally have somewhat of a handle on my finances for the first time this year, thank God. The weight hasn't been completely lifted off of my shoulders, but one weight has been removed.

Mike and I are fine. We're still friends. Just friends. Thank God.

I'm not dating anyone for about a year. I haven't really lived in California or really explored it without Mike. So this is a good time to start.

I haven't full out quit Jcrew yet, just once a month for a little while. I'm okay with thi decision.

I am "fucking" registering for the Groundlings acting class, Nov. 10. Finances be damned.

Bear with me

First and foremost, I have to apologize for my lack of posts this year, for those out there who still read them, thank you. This blog has been a serious part of me for the last 3 years, and because of all of the tumultuous events that happened for the past year and a half, I have neglected it. I got a fancy, dandy new phone, so I am now toying around with the idea of doing video posts, but we’ll see….My security level is not that high yet.
I want to be an actress, more than anything in the whole world…still. More than anything though, I want to be a successful actress. Successful, in the business, something! I’m just not satisfied, and I hate it.
So far through my trials and tribulations here, I feel that I have become a completely different person. Right now, I’m more relaxed, more responsible, and I feel that mentally I am the strongest I have ever been. But I am also, more pessimistic, more bitter, more neurotic, and even more insecure about my looks than I have ever been. Like I have stated before, when I lived in the south, I honestly did not give a shit about how I looked, and no one else did either. I just wore khaki’s and polo shirts every single day, flip flops, with my hair either in a fake bun or whatever. Nobody commented on if I looked nice or not, or my outfit, or anything. No one gave a shit. I miss that. Since, moving here, I have learned how to walk in heels (actually run in them), I have incorporated at dress that I wore to my sister’s wedding into my work wardrobe, and have not worn tennis shoes in at least the last 3 months. Is it because of peer pressure, perhaps? Is it because I am finally starting to give a shit? Maybe. But right now I’m caught between a rock and a hard place, but I am confused as to what’s really me.
I work for a law firm, my salary is meager, but I still make more money than I thought I would by now, but unfortunately I long for the days when I was temping last year. I got to see a new place ever day,. I’ve been to every part of Beverly Hills, I had freedom as to choose which days I want to work. And I got to do jobs where I didn’t have to think. I can just sit there and plot ways to further my career. But alas, due to health insurance, credit card, debt, and apartment hunting. I had to get a real job. A job that I like, a job I appreciate, but if I want to pursue my dream, which I still very much want to do, it’s a job that I will have to segue way out of.
When I first moved here, I longed for stabilty, steady job, apartment that I can come home to with no drama, being able to afford to get my hair done every two weeks, and now that I have it, I know eventually it will have to end and it sucks. I feel like I’m bitching here, but any and all comments are greatly appreciated.

All suggestions needed....

I am restless. I quit my second job and I am going crazy. I quit so that I can get a life. So now I need to get one and I don't know how to do that. Like for real, I'm sure I'm PMSing right now, but I really need to get out and meet new people because the ones I know suck. Oh, yeah I'm broke. Any advice?

For those who have been wondering..

I know I said that I would be continuing the whole dating rules post, but I'll do that next post, but I figure I'd take the time to address something I have been avoiding talking about the last two months... Mike.

And the status Mike and I...(drum roll)...we're friends (really) and we're fine.

Its kind of amazing how life throws you a bone after all that drama. When I moved out, Mike helped me move my stuff and after that I don't think I talked to him really for about a week or two. When I left, I literally felt like I don't care what happens to us, I'm indiferrent about it all. Fuck it, I talk to you, I don't, whatever. 1-2 weeks later, he's staying with his friend at the moment, he called me because a job that he had gotten resended their offer no reason. He was understandably upset, I came over we had a loong talk, he got on anti-depressants and we've been fine ever since.

Yes, he's still with his girlfriend. And no, I don't care. He can marry her for all I care. Do I love him? Sure, always will, but I know better now. But I guess that was the point for that living experience. To be honest, Mike does a lot stuff for me, he buys groceries, he fixes stuff in my house, he fixed my car. And nothing in our friendship feels forced or unnatural at all.

What sparked this change you ask? It wasn't him, it was me, I made my life completely about him, but I didn't want to deal with what I needed to do. That's why I went apeshit when he got with his girl. She fucked up my plans. I started caring about myself, giving myself peace of mind, and I stopped making my whole life revolve another person. I even stopped with all the dramatic behavior, stopped gossiping, stopped talking to these stupid ass boys, sleeping more, stopped going to orange county as much, and most importantly, I stopped talking on the phone, which was really the source of all my bitchy musings.

All I really want for him at this point is to get his shit together, and be successful, even if its without me. And to be honest, this is the most valiant ever I've seen him make. He's medicated, he's not on the phone as much, and he's not nearly as sporadic. Its almost like we both finally got a clue at the same time.

I really didn't think I could sort of march forward, unless I cut him out of my life. And this point in time, with my state of mind I would have no problem doing it, because I'm all about no drama these days. But in some weird way, God made so I didn't have to and I am grateful for that.

My Dating Rules Part 1

I have had my fair share of "dating" experiences since I've been out here, partially because I've mastered the art of flirting, well, not really mastered, but I'm a hell of a lot better than I used to be. My cousin actually admitted she passed the amazingly ridiculously hard California driving test after with a failing grade, because she flirted with the test proctor. I am not, nor probably will never be on that level, but I have had enough dating experiences in the last couple of months to now acquire my own set of rules. I always joke about having these rules, but I have never actually written them down before. Its kind of long so I will split this up into two parts. No order of importance.

1. I will not date a man in the military.
I have a lot of experience with this type, I usually attract this type, but I will never do it again. I don't care how nice he is, or how financially stable he is, hell to the fucking no. No! Them fuckers are crazy. All of them.
I can even spot them right off, they see you, and usually very friendly and talkative, know why? Because they haven't seen a civilian woman in so long.

2. I will not date a man who is "financially stable" and lives with his mama.
Yes, this type exists. I understand people fall on hard times and you have to move back in for a little while, I undertstand completely. But if you are gainfully employed and live with moms, not cute. My favorite excuse, "my mother had a stroke, and I had to move back in with her to live with her. She's not ready for me to leave." Now, if your mother was really that sick, why on earth are you trying to get with me. And your mother does not want you to leave, bull. Of course, she does, she's just saying that so you will leave.

3. I will not date a man who is on the same level as me.
I'm not talking about financially either. I'm talking about in terms of life experience and emotions and what not. I'm so over, so over hearing this particular phrase, "I'm trying to get my shit together so I can..." Ugh! I don't want to hear it! I, me, am, trying to get to together so I can do whatever, but I just got here. Plus, if you are really getting your shit together, you wouldn't be talking about it all the freaking time. I want someone to learn and grow from, who is actually learning and growing, and who is not always on the freaking grind.

4. I will not date a man who has trifling ass friends and family.
This rule came from my cousin, who is about to marry someone like this. If your ass is a shining beacon of hope among every one you associate with that spells trouble. Yes, it is him not his friends and family who you are with, but on some level or another you are going to be around them in some form or fashion. A lot. And if there is not a single, solitary person redeeming personality in the lot, it says a lot about the person you are with, and trouble will ensue.

5. I will not date a man who cannot afford to date me.
Bitchy or not, if you cannot afford to take me out on dates, or not willing to, peace out. I have had enough home movie gatherings in my life to know I can stay at home. Plus, its just think its the tackiest thing in the whole world, to see someone and ask to come to their house..

6. I will not date a man with a baby mama
Not a man with children, with a baby mama. If you were married, got divorced, different, much different. But if you knocked up someone in the heat of passion, her ass is taking 75% of your check every two weeks. You need to get your situation sorted out, and another girl to go along with it.

To Be Continued...

And what makes me happy...

And what makes me happy..drum roll...Being in the movies!!

So I've been in the new apartment for around a month now, and at the moment, I am happy to report so far so good. There are a few problems in the apt. that still need to be fixed, but because it is so quiet, and the new neighbors are respectful and nice. It is a very fair trade off. I'm still not living in LA next year though.

Don't want to speak too soon, but right now, Mike and I are fine. I guess our friendship is better because I'm not obsessing over him any more and I'm trying to do my own thing. He's trying to do the same, and as a result. We have been able to hang out with no drama. It's really nice.

My cousin and I are fine. I was upset at her because she told me something I didn't want to hear, but needed to hear. My sister in turn backed up what she said, except meaner. The reason I bitched so much for so long, is that I did not, repeat did not want to focus on myself at all. Hell, I didn't even take myself into consideration when looking for the apartment in the first place. So I basically locked myself in the house in my room, with nothing but me and the TV, and did not talk on the phone to anyone for a few weeks.

The most shocking thing about the whole devil house scenario is how much I alienated my friends with my constant complaining. I really had no idea at the that I was in so much pain, and to be honest, there is really nothing else that can heal you but time. The whole Mike situation snowballed because I really took absolutely no time to analyze what was really going on. Also, it was compounded with the fact that I made a huge error in judgement in getting the apartment itself in the first place, I didn't check it out as thoroughly as I should have, I didn't ask enough questions, and I wasn't even close to my usual responsible self, because all I wanted to do was play house with Mike because it would be the answer to all of my problems. And guess what? not only did the problems still persist, they got worse. Thus, , briefly temporarily me turning into my mother.

My BFF were having a conversation last night about regrets, and to be honest, the only real regret that I have is moving into that apartment. Isn't that sad? So much unecessary stress, but whatever, I'm outta there now. I just hope I'm not on the street next time. I rather be there than back in Satan's summer home again.

Exorcise the Demons

Sorry its been so long, but I go away, i come back, i go away, I come back. That's life I guess.

So I moved out the house to my new apartment. The parking is kind of annoying, but its LA. Its weird. I've been through, a ridiculous amount of drama over the past year or so, so I am paranoid. Its not this huge relief like I thought it would be, probably because I'm expecting something bad to happen. And don't give me that bullshit about if you speak it, it will come into the universe. I thought living with the old lady was fine until I live there for a week and 50 million people were running in and out of the house...with keys.

I am in a different place with Mike as far as friends and such. We've only spoken regarding bills and/or sports. He's staying with his friend down the street. Whatever. That's all I have to say about that.

The self-esteem killer of the day came from **drum roll**, my cousin! I went to orange county this past weekend, first time in about two weeks. She texts message me at 5:00 this morning, and told me that she does not like to surround herself with negative energy and she feels that I give off too much. She doesn't answer her phone because she doesn't want people's energy to alter her mood. Now, I agree, I have become even more of a pessimest because of circumstances that happened in the last few months, but I am working my ass off to get my bearings back. She knows that more than anyone. But she only surrounds herself with positive energy are you fucking kidding me! This from a woman, keep in mind, who last August called the police on her fiance, because her choked her. Went to the hospital, and has a 3000 hospital bill on her credit because of her anxiety attacks. Her children's grandparents won't babysit them, nor will they visit her house and she's marrying into a deabeat family. But I'm the crazy bitch.

Also, speaking on such, I'm kind of over everybody being in love lately. Over it. I'm actually fine not being in a relationship lately, I'm just over my cousin, and people I'm around rubbing it in my fucking face. Like dude, I'm dating, plus I'm going to be screwed up for a long ass time because of this Mike shit. I know this. Let me be screwed up. Everyone at my second job has broken up or been dumped by their significant other, and they have all gone batshit crazy. Now mind you, my ass was BATSHIT PROZAC crazy when I was living in that house, and no one at either at my jobs knew it. I somehow managed to keep the crazy confined to public bathrooms and my room. Why can't everyone else.

I'm not speaking to Kita for a little while, because that cut like a knife. I'm also seriously going to make an effort to really confine myself to the solitude of my apartement and not talk to NOBODY, for a minute. Maybe the demons will exorcize themselves.

The Beautiful Loser

I met guy. He's really nice, total perfect gentleman. So far we have had two lunch dates and one date to the Alicia Keys concert. He's fairly attractive, fairly smart, unattached but he's a little young acting. What's the problem you ask? I'm not attracted to him. And I keep trying to make myself.

You see, I am drawn to what I like to refer to as the "beautiful loser". Beautiful losers are really good looking men, who cannot seem to quite get their shit together finacially or mentally. Always down on their luck, always going through a hard time, always tortured. Can't quite ever figure out why life chose them specifically to receive shit end of the stick. Always beautiful. This formula has proved time and time again that it does not work for me. At all.
Did you know that the definiton of insane means that when someone does the same thing over and over again, hoping for the same result. Yeah, learned that on Ugly Betty.

I refuse to be one of those women who claim to be only attrached to "thugs", or "someone with an edge" or whatever. Its such bullshit. Basically all that means woman is attracted to someone who reinforces their own fucked up self-esteem. The relationship can't go anywhere but down. Trust me, I am an expert on this subject. It never works out.

Okay, so back to ol' boy. Not into him at all, can't really figure out why. He's a sweetheart, but he's a little young acting which is kind of a turn off, plus I have a million things going on in my mind right now, (such as my homelessness that will take place in about 2 weeks and the power bill I have to figure out how to pay) so I don't really know, Or lastly, but definately least is it because the sting from Mike still hasn't worn off yet, and I'm completely numb and don't even want to look at boys much less contemplate a relationship. Anyhoo, after lunch today, I decided I'm just going to be friends with him.

Its so funny how life works, I've been bitching about being single forever, and when the time finally comes where I am fully concentrating on handling my business, here they come.

I'd greatly appreciate some advice on this topic before I go into self-analyzation hell.

(Oh, did I mention he was in the miliary, for 8 years, yeah, that torpedoed that shit into friendship right then and there.)

Progress Made (?)

So I have been venturing out meeting other guys, not to much avail. I met this one at the club about two weeks ago, we talked on the phone on and off for about two weeks. He kind of stood me up twice. The first time he was supposed to meet me at the movies when I got off work, I was going anyway, so if he showed up he showed up. When I spoke to him earlier that day, he said that he may meet me there and to call him when I got off work. So I did, and no answer. No big whoop. He called me this past Friday, he was in the area and he met me downtown by my job. We talked for a second and we discussed meeting up that Sunday after the Laker game, called him on Sunday, no answer. Whatever.

Another one I met at Starbucks this past Saturday, was crazy, but I spotted it early. First off, he had a USMC tatoo on his arm. Mililtary tatoo=crazy. Second, he was aggressively hitting on me, which never happens in LA=crazy. Third, asked him what he did, the first thing that he said was "a little bit of everything." Crazy. I gave him my phone number because I'm trying to take my therapist's advice to not be such a bitch anymore, but I didn't answer his calls. Or his texts, that came 10 minutes after I left Starbucks. Crazy.

Loverboy is gone until next week, and before he left, in a nutshell I told him I felt. Well, an abbreviated version anyway. I came home and he was playing around with me, and I got really pissed off. I mean really pissed off. I basically screamed at him that I was sick of his fucking smart ass mouth, and making me feel like shit, all while I took off my shoes and hurled them at his head. It came to a head when I took his electronic keys, and threw them against the wall, smashing them. I honestly did not mean to do that, but I got a strange sense of relief when I did. He was pissed and I was glad. I just got so sick of being pissed of all the time, it felt better that he was pissed for once.

The next day, it led into an argument about how violent and angry I've become. And he was right, I have, so I told him. I didn't tell him that I loved him. My exact words were, "I've done a lot for you for the past 6 years, and I care about you more than I like to admit, and you hurt me...a lot." When I said that, I think he was waiting for something else, but I believe that pretty much did the trick. Honestly, I'm glad I told him. It's kind of like I released it into the universe, instead of burdening myself and my friends all the time.

He said that he acknowledges that he had a lot to do with the way I felt, aka he led me on, and that he didn't intentionally mean to hurt me. I said I know. He said he was sorry. I said I know.

Truth is, I could care less what he does with his guilt or information, and I don't want to discuss it any further. I haven't had sex in months, because I'm tired of feeling like sex is the only thing I have to offer to hook a guy. This is the first time in my life, that I don't feel like having a booty call, that I actually want to get to know a person before I decide I want to have sex with me, and the men who want the instant gratification need to get over themselves.

The book coming soon...

We got out of the lease. I have to be out of my apartement by the end of this month. I don't have to live with Michael anymore after the end of this month. Am I happy? Mmmm, its bittersweet. I don't have to deal with looking at the man I love and the woman he loves for another 7 months.

How did we get you ask? God, that's how. Long story short, we have been having problems with the neighbors parking, and when we called the landlord on them, they threatened us and him. So he let us out. Deposit back and all.

Its bitterweet because I'm still really, really depressed. My depression has gone though different phases. For a while, I was just really angry. Mad at myself for being the emotional trashbasket for so long, then mad at him for making me love him, and then coming to the realization that he never loved me back, then mad at myself because I didn't feel like I was good enough, I was pretty enough, sexy enough, girly enough, then mad at him him again for not giving me any respect and being a self-involved piece of shit. Like 6 years never happened. Man, I was angry. Now, I'm just really hurt. Just hurt about the whole situation.

Not to comapare my situation to anyone else's but this happens all the time. People get involved in each other's lives only for it to end. One may fall out of love with the other, or both may fall out of love. Kids sometimes are involved, money, property, and it gets pretty ugly. It just happens. It just does. That doesn't make it suck any less, though.

This phase has been the least physically challenging to deal with so far, I am able to eat and sleep a little with this one. I am far from reaching acceptance, it will probably be some years until I get there, but at the very least I want to move on. I want to not hurt anymore. I don't want to know why he didn't want me or what I could do. I just want to be normal again and go a week without writing a blog about him.

Accepting Singledom

Haven't had a boyfriend in 7 years. But I was in a relationship for 6. This is how I phrase it now. My state of mind changed. It doesn't quite sound as pathetic because one piggybacked off of another. Truth is I haven't had a boyfriend, because I was in a relationship for 6 years.

This is also the first time in about, gasp, 8 or 9 years, where I really actually feel single. And by single, there ain't nobody. No sex. I mean single in terms of no fuck buddy, no one that I'm messing with, nothing. I have been in deep, deep depressions because I thought that I was such as pathetic loser, so unattatractive, that no one wanted me for 7 years, but the truth I haven't been without a "relationship" for no longer than 2 months since the age of 20. I'm 29. Sexual relationships count as relationships.

Another truth, is that most the most part I have sabotaged a lot of my relationships from the beginning. Realtionships that where a couple could have actually been my boyfriend. I remember I was screwing the janitor in my building at the university, I totally turned that in a sexual relationship. I guess he was just trying to befriend me, but I pushed it, because I felt there was no hope for a future there, (aka so I won't get hurt). The only guy I have actually had sex with in California besides Mike actually had a girlfriend, and we were just talking, But as ususal I rushed the sex, because I knew there was no future. Plus, I only wanted someone around to take my mind off Mike. How it ended was that he was disappointed that I wasn't more limber during sex, he also expressed that my body would be so much better if I worked out.
Click.

I have to really accept my singledom. I never have before. Ever. Its lonely. But I am. Single. Sadly, it took Mike getting a girlfirend to turn things around. But it would still be so easy to think he's still mine, because the girl doesn't live in LA. And old me would think, oh when she's not around he's with me. Not very different as to what I thought to myself in the past, unfortunately. I can say that I won't be by myself forever, but I also have to accept that I may, and that has to be okay too.

Break Over....

Mike a.ka. Loverboy got a girlfriend. One who he is madly in love with and wants to marry by the end of this year. And yes, I am miserable. I mean MIZ-ER-ABLE. I’ve been in this sadomashichistic relationship for 6 years now, torturing myself everday, and even more so by living with him, and this is how it ends? He gets to be happy? After all the wrong he’s done to me and the millions of other women in the world, he gets to live happily ever after? So not fair, but then again the world isn’t fair, that’s for damn sure. I have been a straight up basket case ever since I moved in that damn house, and this is the result. I’m leaving out a lot of the gory details, but in a nutshell, Mike doesn’t see me as girlfriend potential at all, he sees himself as his poor miserable friend that he has to bail out and help when he’s in a jam. Helpless friend by the way. helpless as in stupid. He doesn’t know me very well at all. I mean at all, and you have to seriously have to be a self-involved shell of a person to talk to someone every day for 6 damn years and not know them at all.

Truth be told, I am obsessed with this situation.Obsessed as to why he doesn’t want me in that way, obsessed as to how I can be disregarded so quickly, and obsessed as to why my self-esteem is so horrible that I actually want this boy to want me. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough or clueless, or why everything about me is wrong. We had a talk and I told him not to talk about her to me, because I don’t want to hear it. I can’t hear it, its too much. And I obviously loved him more than I thought. We’re barely speaking at this point, and it needs to be that way. In the same breath, I can’t believe how much I fucked up. It makes me sick to my stomach to go home everyday, knowing that I spent so much time waiting for this boy to love me, just to see him give completely of himself to someone else.

The break is over I will keep everyone posted.

Goodbye for Now

As you can see my posts have become fewer and far between. Its been crazy lately. I've been a neurotic nutcase. Growing pains as one of my friends calls it. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to quit for a little while. I'm not gone, just on an extended break. Just in case anyone is interested in what's going on in my life, I'll check back for the comments on this particular entry, or you can email me at cookie21204@yahoo.com and I'll answer anything you want.

But ta-ta. And see you later.

Easy Random Tibits 2008

1. New Year's Resolutions for 2008.
Be more secure with myself physically.
Get back in shape.
Everything else ties to these two things.
Be more vein.
This is such a looks oriented town, and for someone whom most of the tine does not care about their appearance, this is not good. I'm just not a girl. I want to be more of a girl. My cousin has to coach me on how to be a girl. We're going to go into that full force now.

2. Roomate situation.
Mentally, totally over him. It still stings when I see him with another girl, but I'm a lot more okay than I was in the past.

3. Date more.
I've suprisingly has two bad dates. But you know what, I am so grateful that I have gotten to this point where I can actually put myself out there, and not be obesssed over a certain someone anymore. Also, I actually got the balls to dump two guys.

4. Loverboy - Mike
Loverboy exists no longer, he is now christened with his real name.

5. Understand and accept myself, and I am a great person.
I am. I forget that sometimes. But we're working on that too.