"I'm not a player I just crush a lot......"

I know. Between these two jobs and my online classes, my sinus infection, and my dedication to my new quest for world domination, I just have not had the time to blog like I used to. Things will calm down soon. I know you miss me.

So I used to be the type of girl who really did not give a damn about relationships, not for a very long time at least. I would size up a guy in about 5 minutes, decide if he's fuckable, and proceed to invite him over to watch a "DVD". But of course, its only code for we're going to be in the dark sitting on the couch for a couple of hours, show me what you got. And when we're done, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. I don't know if its from being hurt in a relationship, or is it because its so much easier just giving a guy what they want immediately in order to decide if he's still worthy of you. To put it more blunt terms, I'll fuck you and if you call we'll have lunch. Its such a callous, crass way of thinking, such a guy way of thinking. But for real, I never did it to be a player. I did it because I felt that no man had anything to offer me except what's in between his legs. And of course I had fun doing it. But I guess I'm getting older. There's a man who works in my building, cute, really sweet, totally fuckable, who I talk to every day. Back in the day, I would have lived out one of my fantasies and pulled him in a broom closet and had my way with him by now and suffered the repurcussions, seeing him every day and acting like nothing happened. Things are different now, I believe that i have actually abstained so long that its not an issue to me as to when we're going to do it...okay well it is...but its not as big of an issue. I wonder what it would be like to get to know someone, find out what you like to do, be friends, a brand new adventure that I have taken on known as "DATING". I shudder to think.

What I cannot believe is how hard it is for me to not have sex. I know this is bad, but I have always believed that I have been a person whose sexual conquests have been part of their identity. That's really unhealthy, I know, but its true. I always had the consumate "fuck buddy" who was ready and willing at the touch of a button, and to be perfectly honest its been hard for me not to have one. I don't necessarily miss the affection, just the act of going throug the motions. But if I want to get married, or at least be capable of having a normal relationship. I have to do this. I have to stop, have self-control, only have intimacy with someone that I am dating. Because frankly, the orgasm isn't worth it anymore....


okay I'lm lying it is. Damn. This is going to be harder than I thought