First the weave, now this....

So guess what I made a major decision this past week. The second big that I have made on my own next to the sew-in weave, and I'm just as excited.

I'm going to see a psychiatrist.

Why you ask? Do I think I'm crazy? No, I don't. Do I feel like I'm getting there? Not quite, but eventually yes. Its not anything major...well actually it is. But these are the three major topics that I'm planning on covering in my time there, and I really hope he has answers because I sure as hell don't. I feel bad because I really think no one I know, including my best friend really knows how bad it is, because I hide it so much, hence another problem.

1. I have horrible anxiety.
It may spawn from depression, who knows; but I am horribly non-confrontational. I hate it. Even when I know I'm right and it is a confrontation that has to happen, especially me being a manager, it makes me sick to my stomach, whether the event acutally takes place or not. Also, even when a confrontation happens and I know I'm right, I still have this underlying need to smooth things over in some way because I have to have everything go back to normal. "Not rocking the boat."

2. I have unhealthy relationships with men
This is arguably the biggest problem, I actually should have put that in all caps. I have been hurt by men my entire life, and it has affected me more than I realized. It's so bad that I don't even think about men in terms in relationships anymore, I think of them as sexual conquests. I figure its just easier to give them what they want and get out, rather than even trying to let them get to know me, because I'm so sure that they're going to be disappointed when they do. I blame my parents.

3. I have anger issues
Anyone who knows me, is fully aware that I supress my anger a lot. I hate actually getting angry because once again, I'm scared of once again,"not rocking the boat", I would much rather things go back to normal or remain normal than actually express my anger and say how I really feel. So because of all this tension, when I do get mad, oh lord. Someone can literally step on my toe and I will cuss them out until I have tears in my eyes.

I believe that everything else I have to talk about is supplemental to those three. I don't want to go on any type of medication, so I really hope this works.