I remember back in the day, when I thought somebody was cute. I told them, right then and there. No rhyme reason or pretense. When they felt the same way, I attacked with about the same amount of discretion as a dog in heat. Now when a guy...excuse me...cute, normal looking guy with seemingly non-ambiguous sexuality, I wonder if he thinking, "wow, her hips are really wide, how does she find pants?"
I wouldn't even call it confidence per say, it's just what you did.
Now I think when you get a little older. Men see you of two ways. Either dateable/marriage material or umm, how can I say this...not. I believe that most women are born with just enough personality and feminity to always attract men and have them stay around for a while. Looks are not a factor in this formula. I've seen plenty of...erm, unconventional looking women..who always manage to be in a relationship and always have the upper hand. Bitches are included in this scenario, too. They always have a man,
Then there are the others. The undateables. The ones who upon sight have nothing physically wrong, or even nothing mentally wrong, but no guy will touch them with a ten foot pole because they just give off a certain vibe. My best friend says their losers. I think that's a little harsh. I just think that...hmmm...I really don't know how to categorize it.
I, myself, am beginning to believe I fall into the undateable category. Not because I have trouble meeting men, I just meet the wrong ones (please refer to the ambiguously gay post prior to this one.), the right ones just never seem to be attracted to me at all. And if I did manage to meet one, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't stick around and watch all the wonderful gay friends joining in to celebrate our lives with us. I mean, it will seriously take a strong hunk of man to sit through the gay pride parade to happens in my life every weekend.
So we'll see. I met a guy on Sunday who I gave my number to who I had no interest in talking to at all. I blame this on the fact that I don't have time, but it's bull shit. I do this a lot. I just don't want to waste my time unless it's somebody who I really want to call me. Anyhoo, I saw him at the gym today and gave me serious stank eye, I didn't figure out who he was until I was almost at home.
I going to try not to be alone forever. I promise.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Every Man in Los Angeles is a Fucking Douchebag.
It's true. They are.
I will elaborate.
I went bar hopping with my friend Vanessa on Saturday. I have at this point completely given up of meeting guys when I go out because they are not really interested in meeting women. They are not even interested in having one night stands, that would even be plausible. Single men in LA only like attention, and that's pretty much it.
The first bar we went to, me and my girlfriend were talking and some guy taps me on my shoulder and asks me what I'm drinking. He's clearly gay. I say margarita. He's drunk, and keeps talking as if maybe he might kind of be hitting on me. But never really makes it perfectly clear. Once again, gay. He rubs up against me, I confirm with my friend that homeboy is gay. I'm confused. No, not really. He's gay. And wasted. My girlfriend gets up and goes to the bathroom, he sits on the stool next to me and starts chatting. My friend comes back he asks us to join the party that's he's with so we can get free drinks. We get up...he runs off...we sit back down.
Another man with ambiguous sexuality comes up. We're about to leave, and we ask does he want our seats. He says no. Now the way LA clubs work in my opinion, it's either a bar where nothing but black people frequent, or not many black people at all. So it's not really a surprise to me anymore that if I go to a club and I'm the only black woman there. Ambiguous, wearing a shirt that says Santa Monica, looks dead at me and says, "Is this Little Ethopia?, You don't look Ethiopean."
Let's go.
We head to bar called the dime. It's packed. While making our way to the bar, I see a really cute dude who I intend to flirt with. After almost getting into a fight with a girl at the bar we sit down, and I asked his friend who looks and sounds a lot like Mike Tyson where he went. Friend took this as his in to proceed to tell me the hard road he's traveled in life. But he says it in a very Mike Tyson-ish way.
Cutie Pie sits back down.
Me: "So what part of LA do you live."
Cutie: "Nicholls Canyon."
Me: "Where?"
Cutie: "Nicholls Canyon, like LMFAO are my neighbors. Wanna see my pictures with Paris? We're friends."
Okay, let's go.
The last bar we hit included a drunken conspiracy theorist who wouldn't leave us alone, a model (who left early), and the worst corned beef hash I've ever eaten in my life.
I hope none of you are planning on moving here.
I will elaborate.
I went bar hopping with my friend Vanessa on Saturday. I have at this point completely given up of meeting guys when I go out because they are not really interested in meeting women. They are not even interested in having one night stands, that would even be plausible. Single men in LA only like attention, and that's pretty much it.
The first bar we went to, me and my girlfriend were talking and some guy taps me on my shoulder and asks me what I'm drinking. He's clearly gay. I say margarita. He's drunk, and keeps talking as if maybe he might kind of be hitting on me. But never really makes it perfectly clear. Once again, gay. He rubs up against me, I confirm with my friend that homeboy is gay. I'm confused. No, not really. He's gay. And wasted. My girlfriend gets up and goes to the bathroom, he sits on the stool next to me and starts chatting. My friend comes back he asks us to join the party that's he's with so we can get free drinks. We get up...he runs off...we sit back down.
Another man with ambiguous sexuality comes up. We're about to leave, and we ask does he want our seats. He says no. Now the way LA clubs work in my opinion, it's either a bar where nothing but black people frequent, or not many black people at all. So it's not really a surprise to me anymore that if I go to a club and I'm the only black woman there. Ambiguous, wearing a shirt that says Santa Monica, looks dead at me and says, "Is this Little Ethopia?, You don't look Ethiopean."
Let's go.
We head to bar called the dime. It's packed. While making our way to the bar, I see a really cute dude who I intend to flirt with. After almost getting into a fight with a girl at the bar we sit down, and I asked his friend who looks and sounds a lot like Mike Tyson where he went. Friend took this as his in to proceed to tell me the hard road he's traveled in life. But he says it in a very Mike Tyson-ish way.
Cutie Pie sits back down.
Me: "So what part of LA do you live."
Cutie: "Nicholls Canyon."
Me: "Where?"
Cutie: "Nicholls Canyon, like LMFAO are my neighbors. Wanna see my pictures with Paris? We're friends."
Okay, let's go.
The last bar we hit included a drunken conspiracy theorist who wouldn't leave us alone, a model (who left early), and the worst corned beef hash I've ever eaten in my life.
I hope none of you are planning on moving here.
Sunday, June 05, 2011
I Go to the Movies By Myself
I go the movies by myself, quite a bit. According to my best friend this is unusual, but I never really had a problem with it. I went to see X-men first class, yesterday (awesome, by the way) because I couldn't find any one to go see it with me, so I just went. Whenever I have a full day to myself, my favorite thing to do is to buy a ticket online, buy a hot dog, nachos, and an icee (and sometimes milk duds), pig out and go see a movie. My best friend thinks this is strange. Not strange in the way that is a unusual human behavior, but strange in the way that this ritual is the way I sort of celebrate my own alone-ness. A man friend told me once that a movie date is considered a romantic thing.... Really?
Are the movies really supposed to be considered a romantic thing?
I'm not sure, I've done quite a few unromantic things to men in movies.
And yes, the movies are full of couples, but I really don't understand it. Still at 32. Maybe I will eventually.
It's another thing to go to dinner by myself. That's sad, I am not doing that. That is just a spotlight highlighting your beacon of lonlieness. I mean you really get to know someone at dinner, their eating habits, what they like to eat, or the absolute make or break for me which is how well they tip. Bad tipper, no go. Plus, no restaurant in the world is that damn good that I would actually sit down and eat there alone with a room full of people, where instead I can just get it to go.
Are the movies really supposed to be considered a romantic thing?
I'm not sure, I've done quite a few unromantic things to men in movies.
And yes, the movies are full of couples, but I really don't understand it. Still at 32. Maybe I will eventually.
It's another thing to go to dinner by myself. That's sad, I am not doing that. That is just a spotlight highlighting your beacon of lonlieness. I mean you really get to know someone at dinner, their eating habits, what they like to eat, or the absolute make or break for me which is how well they tip. Bad tipper, no go. Plus, no restaurant in the world is that damn good that I would actually sit down and eat there alone with a room full of people, where instead I can just get it to go.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Most Non-Dating Single Person Ever
Sorry I haven't written very much. I know that this is supposed to be a dating blog, and I was really excited about the idea at first. The excitement quickly wanes when you realize that there is no material for you to write about. No experiences to draw on really to draw on to give invaluable, life changing advice. No men who really speak to you or pay attention to you. You know, the small things.
Here's an idea that you all can discuss amongst yourselves. Is it wrong that I stopped caring and stopped trying? Not necessarily in a give up on life sort of way, but more so in a it happens when it happens sort of way.
I'll give you just a little background. I've recently achieved a high state of clarity in a couple of weeks as far as my "personal" and professional life, and I have decided to surrender to my own epiphanies.
I don't know if I've ever talked about a co-worker that I had a crush on. Well, at least the one I thought I had a crush on. Anyway, I have to work very closely with this guy roughly for the last year and half. I thought he was the nicest, sweetest, guy ever, but he had a girlfriend. I knew that they were having problems, and I thought maybe, when they finally broke up that he would realize that I was the one that he wanted to be with all along and we would be together and ride off into the sunset.
Yeah, I was delusional as hell with that one.
I really have this bad habit of wanting people to like me who I don't necessarily like. He must lust for me in dreams at night all while I don't really give a shit about them one way or another. It's very narcissistic and self-involved, but it's such a boost to the ego.
This was the case with him.
Yeah, he has good qualities. But honestly I don't see myself waiting by the phone on baited breath for him to call me. He's funny, but he's not funny in the way that it plays off people. He's more "me, me, me, look at me" funny. Not cute, and gets old. He's short and kind of fat. I don't mind when guys are out of shape, but there are qualifications on that. If you're out of shape it needs to bother you a little bit, or because you're so busy focusing on other wonderful, meaningful things that you neglect things like your weight. Strive to be the best possible you. Basically if you're fat and say, "fuck it, I'm just big." I hate that.
He wouldn't be down with my sometime diva girl ways. At all. And he would hate my friends. He kind of talks at me and doesn't really have any interest in getting to know me on a personal level outside of work. I can go on.
I came to this conclusion when he actually broke up with girlfriend a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't care. Oh, yeah, and I'm leaving that job in two weeks. Still don't care.
Yeah, and I got a new job. Got off my ass, prayed, and got a new job. and I'm writing again, as evidenced here.
As far as dating goes, I saw someone I knew get dressed up to go out on date the other day. She seemed like she was going to have fun.
I'm so pathetic.
Here's an idea that you all can discuss amongst yourselves. Is it wrong that I stopped caring and stopped trying? Not necessarily in a give up on life sort of way, but more so in a it happens when it happens sort of way.
I'll give you just a little background. I've recently achieved a high state of clarity in a couple of weeks as far as my "personal" and professional life, and I have decided to surrender to my own epiphanies.
I don't know if I've ever talked about a co-worker that I had a crush on. Well, at least the one I thought I had a crush on. Anyway, I have to work very closely with this guy roughly for the last year and half. I thought he was the nicest, sweetest, guy ever, but he had a girlfriend. I knew that they were having problems, and I thought maybe, when they finally broke up that he would realize that I was the one that he wanted to be with all along and we would be together and ride off into the sunset.
Yeah, I was delusional as hell with that one.
I really have this bad habit of wanting people to like me who I don't necessarily like. He must lust for me in dreams at night all while I don't really give a shit about them one way or another. It's very narcissistic and self-involved, but it's such a boost to the ego.
This was the case with him.
Yeah, he has good qualities. But honestly I don't see myself waiting by the phone on baited breath for him to call me. He's funny, but he's not funny in the way that it plays off people. He's more "me, me, me, look at me" funny. Not cute, and gets old. He's short and kind of fat. I don't mind when guys are out of shape, but there are qualifications on that. If you're out of shape it needs to bother you a little bit, or because you're so busy focusing on other wonderful, meaningful things that you neglect things like your weight. Strive to be the best possible you. Basically if you're fat and say, "fuck it, I'm just big." I hate that.
He wouldn't be down with my sometime diva girl ways. At all. And he would hate my friends. He kind of talks at me and doesn't really have any interest in getting to know me on a personal level outside of work. I can go on.
I came to this conclusion when he actually broke up with girlfriend a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't care. Oh, yeah, and I'm leaving that job in two weeks. Still don't care.
Yeah, and I got a new job. Got off my ass, prayed, and got a new job. and I'm writing again, as evidenced here.
As far as dating goes, I saw someone I knew get dressed up to go out on date the other day. She seemed like she was going to have fun.
I'm so pathetic.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Dating in Los Angeles
It sucks. For me at least. And my friend. Let's call her Tammy.
Tammy and I have been friends for a couple of years now. She's in her early 30's like myself. She's blonde, petite, smart, very outgoing. And she has never had a boyfriend. At least for more than 5 months. She's originally from northern California and she's basically lived here since college. No boyfriend. All of her friends, (besides me of course) are all in relationships or married. They have even tried to fix her up with some of their friends. Nothing. We've been out to bars together several times. No one approaches us and when we talk to them... tumbleweeds.
Speaking of bars. Every time I go out in LA, everybody who comes in already knows each other, so there's really no mingling really. It's the same groups who come in together, stick together, and leave together. The guys may smile at you while their going up to get their drink, then they run back to their girlfriends. Who are hanging on to the bottom of their leg.
I say all this to say this. Everybody in LA is in these ridiculous long term relationships. I say ridiculous because some of the people who I see in long term relationships are quite ridiculous. Imagine seeing the weirdest sketchball guy ever in a department store, shopping, drueling at the mouth and you are totally afraid to go near him. He starts coming near you to ask you a question and you fear for your life. Now imagine yourself backing away and then his cute perfectly normal girlfriend comes upstairs and plants one straight on the mouth and they soon share a loving embrace, making you instantly wonder... what the hell did you wrong with your life?
Tammy and I always have this discussion when we go out. It's not necessarily about love. Love is a long shot. But we really cannot figure out what's wrong. We do not know why that we are the in-between relationship girl. The girl he needs to pass the time. Not the girl that the dude will eventually go running back to, but she won't take him back because she dumped him and has found someone better. We're the fun girl. We're also never the only girl.
I have a co-worker that just broke up with his girlfriend. I don't even think I like him, but yet I thought about pouncing on him solely because it's such a anomaly that he's single man.
Anyway, there will be a part two to this. I have more.
Anyway, there will be a part two to this.
Tammy and I have been friends for a couple of years now. She's in her early 30's like myself. She's blonde, petite, smart, very outgoing. And she has never had a boyfriend. At least for more than 5 months. She's originally from northern California and she's basically lived here since college. No boyfriend. All of her friends, (besides me of course) are all in relationships or married. They have even tried to fix her up with some of their friends. Nothing. We've been out to bars together several times. No one approaches us and when we talk to them... tumbleweeds.
Speaking of bars. Every time I go out in LA, everybody who comes in already knows each other, so there's really no mingling really. It's the same groups who come in together, stick together, and leave together. The guys may smile at you while their going up to get their drink, then they run back to their girlfriends. Who are hanging on to the bottom of their leg.
I say all this to say this. Everybody in LA is in these ridiculous long term relationships. I say ridiculous because some of the people who I see in long term relationships are quite ridiculous. Imagine seeing the weirdest sketchball guy ever in a department store, shopping, drueling at the mouth and you are totally afraid to go near him. He starts coming near you to ask you a question and you fear for your life. Now imagine yourself backing away and then his cute perfectly normal girlfriend comes upstairs and plants one straight on the mouth and they soon share a loving embrace, making you instantly wonder... what the hell did you wrong with your life?
Tammy and I always have this discussion when we go out. It's not necessarily about love. Love is a long shot. But we really cannot figure out what's wrong. We do not know why that we are the in-between relationship girl. The girl he needs to pass the time. Not the girl that the dude will eventually go running back to, but she won't take him back because she dumped him and has found someone better. We're the fun girl. We're also never the only girl.
I have a co-worker that just broke up with his girlfriend. I don't even think I like him, but yet I thought about pouncing on him solely because it's such a anomaly that he's single man.
Anyway, there will be a part two to this. I have more.
Anyway, there will be a part two to this.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
The Boyfriend Girls
Oh, the ninth wonder of the world known as boyfriend girls. How I am forever fascinated by the boyfriend girls. I am surprised no one has written a damn song about the boyfriend girls. But maybe after this somebody will. I won't because I hate them. All.
What's a boyfriend girl?
A boyfriend girl is a girl that you either know or are associated with who is always in a relationship. You have no memory as to when she was not in relationship. One ends, there is always another poor soul waiting to pick up that slack. The guys they choose are always completely obsessed with them. They are usually characterized by the following traits: super prissy, often punctuating conversations with stories about their boyfriend, having no idea what it means to actually date or meet guys in a bar, never being worried or stressed due to the sex their having everyday, and the idea of having a "girls night out" being a science experiment to them.
May I present exhibit A:
She was born to have a boyfriend. When she broke up with Reggie Bush on her damn show all she did was whine about she's the single one and how weird it was for her. She also seems super uptight because she's completely uncomfortable making a fool of herself because she's never had to really develop a personality before. She just relied on the guy she was with to have one.
I, personally, am fascinated by these species of women for several reasons. I am fascinated by the fact that these boyfriend girls have the talent to sniff out the only decent, gainfully employed, available men on the planet and manage to make said men completely fall in love with them. And when the girl is ready to move on, they dump their men unceremoniously and completely ruin their self esteem. Resulting in turning these once great, ready for marriage, dependable, happy guys into woman hating players. These women either are born with or are taught the knowledge of how to get the man they want and how to make sure he will never get over them.
What is a non-boyfriend girl?
I am the opposite of a boyfriend girl. I believe at this point in my life, I am way, way too comfortable being by myself because I've done it for so long. I also, have quite a few friends, (classic trait of the non-boyfriend girl), so I have people in my life now who I can depend on if I really need them. Tricking myself into eliminating a need for a man in the process. Men like independent women, but you can only be independent to a certain extent. You have to really want that guy in your life.
Being a boyfriend girl isn't about looks. I know or know of a couple of women who aren't "conventionally" beautiful, who have completely ruined some men's lives. You may even say they were just really confident women. It's not always about confidence either, some may have been confident about what to do in their relationships, but not really much else outside of that. I truly just think you have it or you don't. You attract often or you attract less often. I also believe those books about flirting and sending signals are all a bunch of bullshit. They're just not enough single men out there to have a happy ending that way. Just basing that on numbers alone.
So if you're single right now and are interested in using your feminine wiles to attract your dream guy. Prepare to either be a home wrecker or a bedpost notch. Because that boyfriend girl he's got at home, is not letting him go out without a tracking device. Go for the nice guy that you don't really think is all that hot but is soo sweet, or the nice mailman who complements you everyday, or just be slut, guys like that too.
What's a boyfriend girl?
A boyfriend girl is a girl that you either know or are associated with who is always in a relationship. You have no memory as to when she was not in relationship. One ends, there is always another poor soul waiting to pick up that slack. The guys they choose are always completely obsessed with them. They are usually characterized by the following traits: super prissy, often punctuating conversations with stories about their boyfriend, having no idea what it means to actually date or meet guys in a bar, never being worried or stressed due to the sex their having everyday, and the idea of having a "girls night out" being a science experiment to them.
May I present exhibit A:
She was born to have a boyfriend. When she broke up with Reggie Bush on her damn show all she did was whine about she's the single one and how weird it was for her. She also seems super uptight because she's completely uncomfortable making a fool of herself because she's never had to really develop a personality before. She just relied on the guy she was with to have one.
I, personally, am fascinated by these species of women for several reasons. I am fascinated by the fact that these boyfriend girls have the talent to sniff out the only decent, gainfully employed, available men on the planet and manage to make said men completely fall in love with them. And when the girl is ready to move on, they dump their men unceremoniously and completely ruin their self esteem. Resulting in turning these once great, ready for marriage, dependable, happy guys into woman hating players. These women either are born with or are taught the knowledge of how to get the man they want and how to make sure he will never get over them.
What is a non-boyfriend girl?
I am the opposite of a boyfriend girl. I believe at this point in my life, I am way, way too comfortable being by myself because I've done it for so long. I also, have quite a few friends, (classic trait of the non-boyfriend girl), so I have people in my life now who I can depend on if I really need them. Tricking myself into eliminating a need for a man in the process. Men like independent women, but you can only be independent to a certain extent. You have to really want that guy in your life.
Being a boyfriend girl isn't about looks. I know or know of a couple of women who aren't "conventionally" beautiful, who have completely ruined some men's lives. You may even say they were just really confident women. It's not always about confidence either, some may have been confident about what to do in their relationships, but not really much else outside of that. I truly just think you have it or you don't. You attract often or you attract less often. I also believe those books about flirting and sending signals are all a bunch of bullshit. They're just not enough single men out there to have a happy ending that way. Just basing that on numbers alone.
So if you're single right now and are interested in using your feminine wiles to attract your dream guy. Prepare to either be a home wrecker or a bedpost notch. Because that boyfriend girl he's got at home, is not letting him go out without a tracking device. Go for the nice guy that you don't really think is all that hot but is soo sweet, or the nice mailman who complements you everyday, or just be slut, guys like that too.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
We Used to Deal...
Ever heard of this term, ever used this term before? You probably have and didn't know it, so let me inform you or refresh your memory.
I believe that this term varies for different ethnicities. White people would probably universally rephrase this term as "we dated". Even if this term does not technically mean date, even if they just screwed and hung out, they say date. When they say this is my ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, this is usually a more definitive term of the relationship. We, of the minority persuasion, if we used to "see" a particular person, or screw said person for a period time, in either our past and our present, we usually use the term: "I deal with her/We used to deal". To put it more clearly, seeing someone of the opposite sex without it ever getting to relationship status.
How in the world does this happen that you end up "dealing" with somebody? Well, it's easy really. The most common example is if you meet someone that you're only sexually attracted to, not mentally attracted to. Another reason is if you meet someone who you are both mentally and sexually attracted to, but for some reason whether it's your fault or the others' fault, you never actually end up getting together. Affairs are the most popular example of this.
Some of you would never ever settle for "dealing" with somebody. It's all or nothing for you. That's great, stay that way. For the rest of us, there are some bumps in the road. I'll take myself for example, I dealt with someone off and on for 8 years. And I dated other people in between. Nasty, huh? Well, I am guilty of the second reason listed above. We'll call it an affair. Truth be told, I made it way more complicated than it had to be because of the feelings on my end, and talked myself out of a lot of relationships in the mean time. But when the relationships didn't work out, I never really let myself heal because he was always there being my psuedo-boyfriend. I also "dealt" with those other guys to make him jealous. Not good.
I met this lady who is my hairdresser's client. She is 46 and a successful HR manager with no children. She's never had a real relationship, any man she dated only "dealt" with her. In fact, the man that she said she was in love with informed her he was in love with someone else. A drug addict in fact. He recently called 46, so she can help his new woman get a job so she can get her life back on track. He said he didn't understand why she was so upset since he was never actually her boyfriend. She was clearly devastated when she was telling this story, and her story has officially become my worst nightmare.
I've "dealt with" a lot of people in my life. This is because of a combination of commitment issues, low self-esteem, and just plain old not knowing what I want. Now that I'm in my 30's, I realize now that there's actually going to be a lot of work on my part to get what I want, hence me rebooting this blog. I'm not saying, not deal with people, dealing is fine. It gets your feet wet. But put a time limit on it, a short one. Like a month. This is not enough time to get to know somebody, true, but it is enough time for you to make a checklist to evaluate if you want to continue for another month.
I believe that this term varies for different ethnicities. White people would probably universally rephrase this term as "we dated". Even if this term does not technically mean date, even if they just screwed and hung out, they say date. When they say this is my ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, this is usually a more definitive term of the relationship. We, of the minority persuasion, if we used to "see" a particular person, or screw said person for a period time, in either our past and our present, we usually use the term: "I deal with her/We used to deal". To put it more clearly, seeing someone of the opposite sex without it ever getting to relationship status.
How in the world does this happen that you end up "dealing" with somebody? Well, it's easy really. The most common example is if you meet someone that you're only sexually attracted to, not mentally attracted to. Another reason is if you meet someone who you are both mentally and sexually attracted to, but for some reason whether it's your fault or the others' fault, you never actually end up getting together. Affairs are the most popular example of this.
Some of you would never ever settle for "dealing" with somebody. It's all or nothing for you. That's great, stay that way. For the rest of us, there are some bumps in the road. I'll take myself for example, I dealt with someone off and on for 8 years. And I dated other people in between. Nasty, huh? Well, I am guilty of the second reason listed above. We'll call it an affair. Truth be told, I made it way more complicated than it had to be because of the feelings on my end, and talked myself out of a lot of relationships in the mean time. But when the relationships didn't work out, I never really let myself heal because he was always there being my psuedo-boyfriend. I also "dealt" with those other guys to make him jealous. Not good.
I met this lady who is my hairdresser's client. She is 46 and a successful HR manager with no children. She's never had a real relationship, any man she dated only "dealt" with her. In fact, the man that she said she was in love with informed her he was in love with someone else. A drug addict in fact. He recently called 46, so she can help his new woman get a job so she can get her life back on track. He said he didn't understand why she was so upset since he was never actually her boyfriend. She was clearly devastated when she was telling this story, and her story has officially become my worst nightmare.
I've "dealt with" a lot of people in my life. This is because of a combination of commitment issues, low self-esteem, and just plain old not knowing what I want. Now that I'm in my 30's, I realize now that there's actually going to be a lot of work on my part to get what I want, hence me rebooting this blog. I'm not saying, not deal with people, dealing is fine. It gets your feet wet. But put a time limit on it, a short one. Like a month. This is not enough time to get to know somebody, true, but it is enough time for you to make a checklist to evaluate if you want to continue for another month.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Single People with Married Friends.
I made this vow with myself earlier this year, or maybe this week that I need to get out more, so I have genuinely made a concerted effort to have plans made every weekend. Plans not necessarily meaning going out to a club, but just getting out period. On tap this weekend, dinner and kareoke with my two cousins.
Now I live in Los Angeles and she lives in Orange County, so the place where we usually end up meeting is Long Beach or rather Lakewood. Ugh. For those of you who are not familiar with southern California, no matter how much you absolutely hate LA, it's still better than living in Long Beach.
I say all that to say this, Lakewood is er..well...not my speed. The night started off like this. My cousin is married, and my other one is engaged, I'm the only single one. A fact that I really didn't deem as important as much as I did last night. When single people have married friends that they go out with, you know what they do? They flirt like hell with who ever single comes by and when the single man passes them by, they pass them off to their desperate single friend. Modify that times ten when their drunk.
So we get to the restaurant, not even five minutes after we sit down, some guy comes over and starts talking to us. Not hitting on us, but he was really "entertaining". Long story short, he was basically throwing out his fishing line to see who he could catch. Very flattering.
My cousin immediately starts flirting with him, and makes sure she points me out as the single one. His eyes widened. So I had to let him down gently and take his business card in order to save face. I told her very nicely to back off when we there.
We get to kareoke. I genuinely go to this little dive bar to enjoy watching the people get drunk and make an fool out of themselves on stage. So this guy sits down right next to us and offers to buy us our drinks. At first he seemed very nice, but once again I wasn't really in the mood for getting someone's number. As the night went on my cousin got more drunk and proceeds to kick me and keeps suggesting that I get his number. The guy as the night wore on proved to be another creepy attention whore. Stalker; clingy like. Talking about marriage and kids within the first five minutes of meeting. If you are single, you can spot these things very quickly. I ended up doing something out of character and giving him my number because of my cousin's big mouth, and I genuinely felt bad that he'd been led on so much by her. I had no intention of answering the phone when he called. Mean, but I don't believe in even letting someone take me out on a date and spend money on me when I have no intention of dating them on the regular. I just think that's rude.
Anyway, my cousin and I are due for a talk. We'll see how it goes. Not mad, but this journey is hard enough on my own without someone who doesn't understad what you're going through making it more complicated.
I gave my number late late week to a guy who seemed very disappointed that I wouldn't let him come over to my house at 9:00 at night, roughly one hour after meeting him. Times are looking up.
Now I live in Los Angeles and she lives in Orange County, so the place where we usually end up meeting is Long Beach or rather Lakewood. Ugh. For those of you who are not familiar with southern California, no matter how much you absolutely hate LA, it's still better than living in Long Beach.
I say all that to say this, Lakewood is er..well...not my speed. The night started off like this. My cousin is married, and my other one is engaged, I'm the only single one. A fact that I really didn't deem as important as much as I did last night. When single people have married friends that they go out with, you know what they do? They flirt like hell with who ever single comes by and when the single man passes them by, they pass them off to their desperate single friend. Modify that times ten when their drunk.
So we get to the restaurant, not even five minutes after we sit down, some guy comes over and starts talking to us. Not hitting on us, but he was really "entertaining". Long story short, he was basically throwing out his fishing line to see who he could catch. Very flattering.
My cousin immediately starts flirting with him, and makes sure she points me out as the single one. His eyes widened. So I had to let him down gently and take his business card in order to save face. I told her very nicely to back off when we there.
We get to kareoke. I genuinely go to this little dive bar to enjoy watching the people get drunk and make an fool out of themselves on stage. So this guy sits down right next to us and offers to buy us our drinks. At first he seemed very nice, but once again I wasn't really in the mood for getting someone's number. As the night went on my cousin got more drunk and proceeds to kick me and keeps suggesting that I get his number. The guy as the night wore on proved to be another creepy attention whore. Stalker; clingy like. Talking about marriage and kids within the first five minutes of meeting. If you are single, you can spot these things very quickly. I ended up doing something out of character and giving him my number because of my cousin's big mouth, and I genuinely felt bad that he'd been led on so much by her. I had no intention of answering the phone when he called. Mean, but I don't believe in even letting someone take me out on a date and spend money on me when I have no intention of dating them on the regular. I just think that's rude.
Anyway, my cousin and I are due for a talk. We'll see how it goes. Not mad, but this journey is hard enough on my own without someone who doesn't understad what you're going through making it more complicated.
I gave my number late late week to a guy who seemed very disappointed that I wouldn't let him come over to my house at 9:00 at night, roughly one hour after meeting him. Times are looking up.
Monday, April 04, 2011
OK Cupid.
I'm starting to think this dating blog is not such a good idea, since hmmm..., I don't know, nobody wants to talk to me?
My friend, who is usually about is lonely as I am met the current guy she's dating someone off of OK Cupid, the free dating site? Ugh. I'll try it.
I have no qualms against online dating, it's kind of the way to go now...but OK Cupid is kind of full of losers. But what do I know, right.
So I've been on here for an hour, put a picture up and everything, just to see if someone would even talk to me. OK, two hours....OK, so I'm still technically logged on. Nothing.
I went on match.com the other day and had a little better luck. I did the free trial thing and after one day got 7 emails. So when my blackberry kept blowing up of all these menses that wanted to talk to me, can't read them. One month of service. $40.
I can't justify doing that yet, I'm desperate but not quite starving, but it's been a year, and I'm trying so we'll see.
My friend, who is usually about is lonely as I am met the current guy she's dating someone off of OK Cupid, the free dating site? Ugh. I'll try it.
I have no qualms against online dating, it's kind of the way to go now...but OK Cupid is kind of full of losers. But what do I know, right.
So I've been on here for an hour, put a picture up and everything, just to see if someone would even talk to me. OK, two hours....OK, so I'm still technically logged on. Nothing.
I went on match.com the other day and had a little better luck. I did the free trial thing and after one day got 7 emails. So when my blackberry kept blowing up of all these menses that wanted to talk to me, can't read them. One month of service. $40.
I can't justify doing that yet, I'm desperate but not quite starving, but it's been a year, and I'm trying so we'll see.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I Need to Go on a Date
Okay, so I'm all talk no action. In order to put this plan into action, I guess I would need to go out on a actual date. Yeah, easier said than done I suppose.
I tried today. I went to Target, and I tried to flirt. My efforts proved to be unsuccessful.
I'll make a confession here, and only here. I haven't been out on a actual date since May 2010. Eek!
Some of you may be sticking your finger down your throat faking a dry heaving sound. Saying, "So what! Nobody's ever asked me out on a date". Believe me, you have every right to be upset. So, I feel this need to actually explain myself.
I had two back to back "relationships" last year and the year before. One lasted around a year, the second around two months. The year long relationship with (let's just call him Bobby) was my first actual post relationship after the disaster with my "ex" (just do a search for Loverboy in this blog and you'll be filled in). He was a disaster. I met him when I got laid off from my job, and figured I need a boy around so I wouldn't feel like a total loser. I was sitting in my car feeling sorry for myself, when I saw this cute dude in a UCLA jacket, walking across the street, and I figured hell why not. So i did the classy move, honked my horn at him, and waved like an idiot until he walked over to my car. When he came over, I was surprised when he seemed like a articulate, sweet, humble guy. So I gave him my number on a piece of paper, I asked for his but he said he had no phone right now but he'd call when he could. Oookay.
He did call. He was sweet again. A couple of times after that more of the same. We made a date, I was excited. We ended up having coffee and he even tagged along with me to one of my annoying ass acting seminars. His car broke down and I ended up having to drive him home. He apologized for kissing me on the cheek. Sweet.
Long story short, Bobby ended up being a total loser about 3 months after that. It was pretty much done mentally for me when he told me that since I was faithfully getting a unemployment check every week, then I should be be supporting him because I made more money. The only reason he stayed around after that is because I was bored on the weekends. I will be referring back to Bobby periodically as an example of what not to do when trying new experiences. It was a harrowing experience.
The next guy, Julian (his real name, I'm tired) ended up meeting one night out with my cousin. Pretty normal, he was staring, he was kind of cute although not really my type, so I just went over there. He took me too lunch after church the next day, and everything seemed okay. There were flashes of crazy, but I had seen worse. I figured I was overreacting. Julian was a pretty intimidating guy. I know some girls are really into that, but it was intimidating to me too. There were flashes of crazy but nothing really concrete. The rub came when he I decided to test my guy instinct and not call him for one night just to see how he'd react. It was at around 9:30 p.m., that he called yelling, "What the hell are you doing? Who the hell are you fucking?." Needless to say it didn't last long after that.
If you want dating advice, I'll give you great dating advice. Because after the countless bad relationships that I've been involved in, I can tell you exactly what not to do. Jesus, I can probably communicate it in Morse Code.
I tried today. I went to Target, and I tried to flirt. My efforts proved to be unsuccessful.
I'll make a confession here, and only here. I haven't been out on a actual date since May 2010. Eek!
Some of you may be sticking your finger down your throat faking a dry heaving sound. Saying, "So what! Nobody's ever asked me out on a date". Believe me, you have every right to be upset. So, I feel this need to actually explain myself.
I had two back to back "relationships" last year and the year before. One lasted around a year, the second around two months. The year long relationship with (let's just call him Bobby) was my first actual post relationship after the disaster with my "ex" (just do a search for Loverboy in this blog and you'll be filled in). He was a disaster. I met him when I got laid off from my job, and figured I need a boy around so I wouldn't feel like a total loser. I was sitting in my car feeling sorry for myself, when I saw this cute dude in a UCLA jacket, walking across the street, and I figured hell why not. So i did the classy move, honked my horn at him, and waved like an idiot until he walked over to my car. When he came over, I was surprised when he seemed like a articulate, sweet, humble guy. So I gave him my number on a piece of paper, I asked for his but he said he had no phone right now but he'd call when he could. Oookay.
He did call. He was sweet again. A couple of times after that more of the same. We made a date, I was excited. We ended up having coffee and he even tagged along with me to one of my annoying ass acting seminars. His car broke down and I ended up having to drive him home. He apologized for kissing me on the cheek. Sweet.
Long story short, Bobby ended up being a total loser about 3 months after that. It was pretty much done mentally for me when he told me that since I was faithfully getting a unemployment check every week, then I should be be supporting him because I made more money. The only reason he stayed around after that is because I was bored on the weekends. I will be referring back to Bobby periodically as an example of what not to do when trying new experiences. It was a harrowing experience.
The next guy, Julian (his real name, I'm tired) ended up meeting one night out with my cousin. Pretty normal, he was staring, he was kind of cute although not really my type, so I just went over there. He took me too lunch after church the next day, and everything seemed okay. There were flashes of crazy, but I had seen worse. I figured I was overreacting. Julian was a pretty intimidating guy. I know some girls are really into that, but it was intimidating to me too. There were flashes of crazy but nothing really concrete. The rub came when he I decided to test my guy instinct and not call him for one night just to see how he'd react. It was at around 9:30 p.m., that he called yelling, "What the hell are you doing? Who the hell are you fucking?." Needless to say it didn't last long after that.
If you want dating advice, I'll give you great dating advice. Because after the countless bad relationships that I've been involved in, I can tell you exactly what not to do. Jesus, I can probably communicate it in Morse Code.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The Art of Flirting
So I admit, I never learned how to flirt. Sad. Apparently you're not really supposed to learn how to flirt, you're supposed to kind of know. This is like a skill that most attractive people are born with and it gets you phone numbers, free food, and out of driving tickets. My cousin failed her driver's test and apparently got her driver's license that way, if you hear her tell it.
So anyway, I never learned how to flirt. I believe I have pulled it off drunk several times, but sober it comes off very awkard and labored. I also never learned how to flirt because, not to be conceited, I never had to before. When I lived in the south, men are very forward. If they want to talk to you, they make themselves known quickly and aggressively. Also, looks aren't necessarily a big issue there. As long as you're not super fat, and you have your hair done, you are very much ahead of the curve.
I'll be super honest here and say that I have not had very much luck in the men department. This reason solely because until the age of 30, I never thought about what I wanted in a partner. As long as he looked good and could hold somwehat of a conversation he was a keeper. And if they did all the work trying to get me and stuck around, then I'm planning a wedding.
Here's the hard truth: Real men, the non-attention whores, gainfully employed, not into playing the field, secure with themselves, the stable ones for the most part will not approach you. At least not without some nudging your part. They are not going to see you, be blinded by your beauty and just have to come talk to you. That may have happened to you, but where they now (If you are married or currently dating them, I'm not talking to you). You need to push them.
My first few months here I was at burger stand outside waiting for a burger. Some cute, clean cut, well dressed man, comes across the street and tells me that my beauty was blinding and he had to come me meet me, even if it was just to talk. I was beyond flattered so I gave him my phone number. So he invites to his new apartment so that he can cook me dinner and he assures me I have nothing to be nervous about because he has like 3 roomates with girlfriends and they will all be there. Throw caution to wind, sure I'll go. I get there and after talking to him and the roomates for a little while, I put the pieces together he not only wasn't the roomate, he didn't have a room. I don't think he had a home period, or ever. He was homeless. I left soon after. Lesson learned.
I leaned to flirt off a blog, so pathetic I know, but I did. It's so simple really. Everyone has their own way of flirting, and I need to salvage some of my dignity, so I'm not going to tell you what it said. But I will tell you that shit works. A little touch there, a little batted eyelash there, I'm teliing you, I tried that shit out at the grove, the snobbiest mall on planet earth and I was utterly amazed. Men who I didn't think would talk to me, otherwise, weren't completely repulsed when I touched their arm while asking them a question.
There is one aspect of flirtation that I still need to master. Be aware when someone is fliring with you. I was in Trader Joe's today buying groceries. Men, when I am buying groceries or working out, I have a plan or I am on a mission, so beware. Needless to say when I looked up and came out the shock of my groceries total, cute, cute, cute dude was eye fucking me in the next line. I looked up and caught it at the tail end and it was too late. He was wearing scrubs, his jacket was open and I caught the stitching. I'm not sure if it said RN or MD. Either way, damn.
So anyway, I never learned how to flirt. I believe I have pulled it off drunk several times, but sober it comes off very awkard and labored. I also never learned how to flirt because, not to be conceited, I never had to before. When I lived in the south, men are very forward. If they want to talk to you, they make themselves known quickly and aggressively. Also, looks aren't necessarily a big issue there. As long as you're not super fat, and you have your hair done, you are very much ahead of the curve.
I'll be super honest here and say that I have not had very much luck in the men department. This reason solely because until the age of 30, I never thought about what I wanted in a partner. As long as he looked good and could hold somwehat of a conversation he was a keeper. And if they did all the work trying to get me and stuck around, then I'm planning a wedding.
Here's the hard truth: Real men, the non-attention whores, gainfully employed, not into playing the field, secure with themselves, the stable ones for the most part will not approach you. At least not without some nudging your part. They are not going to see you, be blinded by your beauty and just have to come talk to you. That may have happened to you, but where they now (If you are married or currently dating them, I'm not talking to you). You need to push them.
My first few months here I was at burger stand outside waiting for a burger. Some cute, clean cut, well dressed man, comes across the street and tells me that my beauty was blinding and he had to come me meet me, even if it was just to talk. I was beyond flattered so I gave him my phone number. So he invites to his new apartment so that he can cook me dinner and he assures me I have nothing to be nervous about because he has like 3 roomates with girlfriends and they will all be there. Throw caution to wind, sure I'll go. I get there and after talking to him and the roomates for a little while, I put the pieces together he not only wasn't the roomate, he didn't have a room. I don't think he had a home period, or ever. He was homeless. I left soon after. Lesson learned.
I leaned to flirt off a blog, so pathetic I know, but I did. It's so simple really. Everyone has their own way of flirting, and I need to salvage some of my dignity, so I'm not going to tell you what it said. But I will tell you that shit works. A little touch there, a little batted eyelash there, I'm teliing you, I tried that shit out at the grove, the snobbiest mall on planet earth and I was utterly amazed. Men who I didn't think would talk to me, otherwise, weren't completely repulsed when I touched their arm while asking them a question.
There is one aspect of flirtation that I still need to master. Be aware when someone is fliring with you. I was in Trader Joe's today buying groceries. Men, when I am buying groceries or working out, I have a plan or I am on a mission, so beware. Needless to say when I looked up and came out the shock of my groceries total, cute, cute, cute dude was eye fucking me in the next line. I looked up and caught it at the tail end and it was too late. He was wearing scrubs, his jacket was open and I caught the stitching. I'm not sure if it said RN or MD. Either way, damn.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tieing Up Loose Ends
So the big change that I keep whining about is that I'm turning this exclusively into dating blog. Yeah, I don't know anything about dating at 32, but I'm giving all of us late bloomers hope. And that get pretty or die trying link over there? That's my beauty blog. (**Snort**) Seriously. Late bloomers, unite!!
So, before I start entering my grand re-entrance into the blogging world, I guess I need to tie up some loose ends from the last couple of years. If you all have scrolled through for just a second, these two topics may have popped up, occasionally. (cough,cough).
1. I'm not an actress anymore
There's two things that were very prevalent on my past postings, the first being how badly I wanted to be an actress, and the second being the topic which I will cover in number two. I'm still in L. A., a feat to which I am still surprised. After two years of constant, constant poverty, almost full year of of unemployment, and several hundred dollars on acting classes and headshots spent to no avail, and countless other setbacks, I stopped. Even after not getting past go, I knew didn't love it anymore. But in this puzzling life altering process, clarity came. I pretty much came to the conclusion, that I'm a writer, specifically screenwriter/blogger extraordinaire and I'm pretty sure I always have been, and have been pursuing pretty heavily it ever since.
2. Loverboy
Wow, too say I was obsessed was kind of an understatement, right? Well, after I moved out our story didn't end there. To sum it up, he never really left my life. Is it unhealthy? Absolutely. But, I really wish I can explain it but I can't. He ended up breaking up with the girl who was basically living with us and getting another girlfriend. I ended up diving into a very, very unhealthy relationship, just a prove a point to myself that I can move on. That guy sucked, but in a weird way it gave me that nudge in the right direction that I so desperately needed. I also dated another guy right after him. He really wanted to be with me, like for real. I'm ashamed to say I've never had that experience before. But it was nice. That guy ended up being an obsessive controlling dickweed, and I broke it off with him after a couple of months. But he became a turning point in my dating life. And I haven't settled for less since.
Yes, I'm still single. Looking back on my past postings, I really hated being single. But I hated it for the wrong reasons. Basically, for all those years, Loverboy was in close proximity of me whether we were actually living together, or him living down the street, so I guess I felt that if I got with someone else while he was still around, then that would kill any chance that I would ever have of him loving me. And because, of all the pressure I put on myself, and the misery of watching him get with other people instead of me, it resulted in me thinking I was never good enough for anyone. Therefore, I never tried.
It's different now. I have friends here, I'm a lot more settled. It's been four years. I'm single, but it's because I choose to be. I could have a man, sure, but it would be the unhealthiest relationship ever. Been there.
I have a job, two sadly(damn economy), that even though they are definitely not the ideal jobs, or neither the ideal pay. I didn't settle. I actually put some thought into what kind of environment I wanted to be in, what I wanted to do make money to pay my bills. It's not my life. This is.
So, before I start entering my grand re-entrance into the blogging world, I guess I need to tie up some loose ends from the last couple of years. If you all have scrolled through for just a second, these two topics may have popped up, occasionally. (cough,cough).
1. I'm not an actress anymore
There's two things that were very prevalent on my past postings, the first being how badly I wanted to be an actress, and the second being the topic which I will cover in number two. I'm still in L. A., a feat to which I am still surprised. After two years of constant, constant poverty, almost full year of of unemployment, and several hundred dollars on acting classes and headshots spent to no avail, and countless other setbacks, I stopped. Even after not getting past go, I knew didn't love it anymore. But in this puzzling life altering process, clarity came. I pretty much came to the conclusion, that I'm a writer, specifically screenwriter/blogger extraordinaire and I'm pretty sure I always have been, and have been pursuing pretty heavily it ever since.
2. Loverboy
Wow, too say I was obsessed was kind of an understatement, right? Well, after I moved out our story didn't end there. To sum it up, he never really left my life. Is it unhealthy? Absolutely. But, I really wish I can explain it but I can't. He ended up breaking up with the girl who was basically living with us and getting another girlfriend. I ended up diving into a very, very unhealthy relationship, just a prove a point to myself that I can move on. That guy sucked, but in a weird way it gave me that nudge in the right direction that I so desperately needed. I also dated another guy right after him. He really wanted to be with me, like for real. I'm ashamed to say I've never had that experience before. But it was nice. That guy ended up being an obsessive controlling dickweed, and I broke it off with him after a couple of months. But he became a turning point in my dating life. And I haven't settled for less since.
Yes, I'm still single. Looking back on my past postings, I really hated being single. But I hated it for the wrong reasons. Basically, for all those years, Loverboy was in close proximity of me whether we were actually living together, or him living down the street, so I guess I felt that if I got with someone else while he was still around, then that would kill any chance that I would ever have of him loving me. And because, of all the pressure I put on myself, and the misery of watching him get with other people instead of me, it resulted in me thinking I was never good enough for anyone. Therefore, I never tried.
It's different now. I have friends here, I'm a lot more settled. It's been four years. I'm single, but it's because I choose to be. I could have a man, sure, but it would be the unhealthiest relationship ever. Been there.
I have a job, two sadly(damn economy), that even though they are definitely not the ideal jobs, or neither the ideal pay. I didn't settle. I actually put some thought into what kind of environment I wanted to be in, what I wanted to do make money to pay my bills. It's not my life. This is.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Guess What....
Wow, a lot of difference 2 years makes right? I'm back, and I am now under construction. Wannabe starlet is now (officially) relaunching, I should be up and running soon, so check back frequently and often. Fell free to ask questions if you can't wait! There will be some major changes under way and I hope you all like them!!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Ode to Los Angeles
My father's family reunion is in Alaska this year.
My father has been my rock since I've been here.
I have to go to Alaska.
I need headshots.
I want to go out on auditons.
I'm scared to do the work.
I'm losing my passion because life is getting in the way.
I want to do this, I just wish there was an easier way.
God wants me to want this.
We are in a ridiculous recession.
I have 64 dollars in my checking account.
I am thankful to have a job.
I feel horrible because the time is coming soon to move on.
I feel really bad about that because they've been so great to me.
LA itself is not what I thought it would be.
I thought I would fall in love with the Hollywood lifestyle, but its not me.
I also thought I would have met my husband by now.
I hate not being rich.
I really hate being poor.
When will this end.
I have to fight for it.
I need encouragement.
I'm working my ass off now just to keep my head above water.
This will get better.
I have to constantly fight my slacker past.
I am constantly struggling with my low self-esteem.
Where I was last year and where am I now is like night and day.
This time last year, I fucked up my car three times and not including a horrible accident where I almost had no car.
I wiped out my savings because I had no control over my finances as result of my depression.
My hair was falling out from the stress.
My neightbors were calling the police on my roomate.
There was screaming every night.
Mike would have sex with me one day, then have sex would someone else the next day.
Then he would make them his girlfriend.
I would tell my problems to anyone who would listen.
I alienated all my friends.
I had a drinking problem.
I was in the darkest place I had ever been.
I cried myself to sleep every night.
I don't know how I would ever get out of it.
I never thought that I would be here typing on the computer about it.
I know what its like now not to have security.
Its scary.
Very scary.
But I have to do this.
I want to pay my father back every cent he's ever lent me.
I have to do this.
My father has been my rock since I've been here.
I have to go to Alaska.
I need headshots.
I want to go out on auditons.
I'm scared to do the work.
I'm losing my passion because life is getting in the way.
I want to do this, I just wish there was an easier way.
God wants me to want this.
We are in a ridiculous recession.
I have 64 dollars in my checking account.
I am thankful to have a job.
I feel horrible because the time is coming soon to move on.
I feel really bad about that because they've been so great to me.
LA itself is not what I thought it would be.
I thought I would fall in love with the Hollywood lifestyle, but its not me.
I also thought I would have met my husband by now.
I hate not being rich.
I really hate being poor.
When will this end.
I have to fight for it.
I need encouragement.
I'm working my ass off now just to keep my head above water.
This will get better.
I have to constantly fight my slacker past.
I am constantly struggling with my low self-esteem.
Where I was last year and where am I now is like night and day.
This time last year, I fucked up my car three times and not including a horrible accident where I almost had no car.
I wiped out my savings because I had no control over my finances as result of my depression.
My hair was falling out from the stress.
My neightbors were calling the police on my roomate.
There was screaming every night.
Mike would have sex with me one day, then have sex would someone else the next day.
Then he would make them his girlfriend.
I would tell my problems to anyone who would listen.
I alienated all my friends.
I had a drinking problem.
I was in the darkest place I had ever been.
I cried myself to sleep every night.
I don't know how I would ever get out of it.
I never thought that I would be here typing on the computer about it.
I know what its like now not to have security.
Its scary.
Very scary.
But I have to do this.
I want to pay my father back every cent he's ever lent me.
I have to do this.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
New beginning.
Guess what. This is from my brand new beautiful home computer! So excited. You know how you get something new, you wait so long to get it and when you finally do; you kind of stare at it in disbelief for a really long time. This is what I'm doing now.
I wanted the computer because I need to start writing again; and I can start doing more research on my career. So now, here's the start of a new beginning; and I'm blogging; LOL.
I've been pretty out of it for the last month or so, being lazy and such. When my class is going on, I had so much energy, but its very "I don't want to do anything but go home and watch TV kind " of life. Its going to take me a while to bust out of that mindset. But its coming. I will keep everyone posted.
I wanted the computer because I need to start writing again; and I can start doing more research on my career. So now, here's the start of a new beginning; and I'm blogging; LOL.
I've been pretty out of it for the last month or so, being lazy and such. When my class is going on, I had so much energy, but its very "I don't want to do anything but go home and watch TV kind " of life. Its going to take me a while to bust out of that mindset. But its coming. I will keep everyone posted.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Happy New Year!
Jesus, Okay, just check in about every what 3 months, because that is about the frequency i'm going these days.
I (finally) got a computer at home, but since I have no electricity in my living room it has not been hooked up. When it is, the frequency of the blogging will increase.
So my resolutions for the new year will be to
(1)stop letting people stress me out
(2)Stop being a lazy bum.
I swear, ever since I finished the groundlings class about a month ago, I have seen nothing but my cousin's couch and TV and my couch and TV. One thing about LA that I don't like is that it takes so much effort time and planning to do anything, that once you finally do it, its really not worth it.
For example, I want to attend an actors's workshop in Burbank. Its at 7 on a Tuesday. Burbank is 45 minutes away, rush hour 1.5 hours easy, parking at least 30 minutes. Unless I take off work early (which I can't do too often, because I don't have it like that yet, plus lack of paid time off), i can't make it. And the workshop is only an hour! Don't worry, I'll go. I just need to get up off my lazy behind.
Yeah, and that people thing. I let way to many people influence my judgement. That's an after effect from not having any self esteem whatsoever for most of my life. So as a result, my gumption comes in waves. Since I've been in LA and that whole Mike crap, my nerves are just shot. So whem something happens to sort of take me down, then something minor happens, its like a domino effect; thus causing crazy mood swings and depression. This will stop. I understand depression happens, but my God, when it hits it hits hard. I had the most awful relapse about 2 weeks ago and it did me in. All because I let someone else take my mood down.
And I turn 30 next month, I don't give a shit. I hated my 20's. I kind of hated my teens, too. I've been a neurotic mess in my teens and my 20's. I would like to have a decade where I actually have it together for once. Its coming. I definately dress better. And at 29, I have finally figured out how to do my hair, who knows whats next? Maybe I'll get a work ethic.
I (finally) got a computer at home, but since I have no electricity in my living room it has not been hooked up. When it is, the frequency of the blogging will increase.
So my resolutions for the new year will be to
(1)stop letting people stress me out
(2)Stop being a lazy bum.
I swear, ever since I finished the groundlings class about a month ago, I have seen nothing but my cousin's couch and TV and my couch and TV. One thing about LA that I don't like is that it takes so much effort time and planning to do anything, that once you finally do it, its really not worth it.
For example, I want to attend an actors's workshop in Burbank. Its at 7 on a Tuesday. Burbank is 45 minutes away, rush hour 1.5 hours easy, parking at least 30 minutes. Unless I take off work early (which I can't do too often, because I don't have it like that yet, plus lack of paid time off), i can't make it. And the workshop is only an hour! Don't worry, I'll go. I just need to get up off my lazy behind.
Yeah, and that people thing. I let way to many people influence my judgement. That's an after effect from not having any self esteem whatsoever for most of my life. So as a result, my gumption comes in waves. Since I've been in LA and that whole Mike crap, my nerves are just shot. So whem something happens to sort of take me down, then something minor happens, its like a domino effect; thus causing crazy mood swings and depression. This will stop. I understand depression happens, but my God, when it hits it hits hard. I had the most awful relapse about 2 weeks ago and it did me in. All because I let someone else take my mood down.
And I turn 30 next month, I don't give a shit. I hated my 20's. I kind of hated my teens, too. I've been a neurotic mess in my teens and my 20's. I would like to have a decade where I actually have it together for once. Its coming. I definately dress better. And at 29, I have finally figured out how to do my hair, who knows whats next? Maybe I'll get a work ethic.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
New random Tidbits.
God I need to update this thing more often, its not even funny. I'm trying.
Good news, though. I am in a better mental place now than I have been in years. And by myself, without a man, without Mike. Begrudging I admit that this is the first time this is happened.
I finally have somewhat of a handle on my finances for the first time this year, thank God. The weight hasn't been completely lifted off of my shoulders, but one weight has been removed.
Mike and I are fine. We're still friends. Just friends. Thank God.
I'm not dating anyone for about a year. I haven't really lived in California or really explored it without Mike. So this is a good time to start.
I haven't full out quit Jcrew yet, just once a month for a little while. I'm okay with thi decision.
I am "fucking" registering for the Groundlings acting class, Nov. 10. Finances be damned.
Good news, though. I am in a better mental place now than I have been in years. And by myself, without a man, without Mike. Begrudging I admit that this is the first time this is happened.
I finally have somewhat of a handle on my finances for the first time this year, thank God. The weight hasn't been completely lifted off of my shoulders, but one weight has been removed.
Mike and I are fine. We're still friends. Just friends. Thank God.
I'm not dating anyone for about a year. I haven't really lived in California or really explored it without Mike. So this is a good time to start.
I haven't full out quit Jcrew yet, just once a month for a little while. I'm okay with thi decision.
I am "fucking" registering for the Groundlings acting class, Nov. 10. Finances be damned.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Bear with me
First and foremost, I have to apologize for my lack of posts this year, for those out there who still read them, thank you. This blog has been a serious part of me for the last 3 years, and because of all of the tumultuous events that happened for the past year and a half, I have neglected it. I got a fancy, dandy new phone, so I am now toying around with the idea of doing video posts, but we’ll see….My security level is not that high yet.
I want to be an actress, more than anything in the whole world…still. More than anything though, I want to be a successful actress. Successful, in the business, something! I’m just not satisfied, and I hate it.
So far through my trials and tribulations here, I feel that I have become a completely different person. Right now, I’m more relaxed, more responsible, and I feel that mentally I am the strongest I have ever been. But I am also, more pessimistic, more bitter, more neurotic, and even more insecure about my looks than I have ever been. Like I have stated before, when I lived in the south, I honestly did not give a shit about how I looked, and no one else did either. I just wore khaki’s and polo shirts every single day, flip flops, with my hair either in a fake bun or whatever. Nobody commented on if I looked nice or not, or my outfit, or anything. No one gave a shit. I miss that. Since, moving here, I have learned how to walk in heels (actually run in them), I have incorporated at dress that I wore to my sister’s wedding into my work wardrobe, and have not worn tennis shoes in at least the last 3 months. Is it because of peer pressure, perhaps? Is it because I am finally starting to give a shit? Maybe. But right now I’m caught between a rock and a hard place, but I am confused as to what’s really me.
I work for a law firm, my salary is meager, but I still make more money than I thought I would by now, but unfortunately I long for the days when I was temping last year. I got to see a new place ever day,. I’ve been to every part of Beverly Hills, I had freedom as to choose which days I want to work. And I got to do jobs where I didn’t have to think. I can just sit there and plot ways to further my career. But alas, due to health insurance, credit card, debt, and apartment hunting. I had to get a real job. A job that I like, a job I appreciate, but if I want to pursue my dream, which I still very much want to do, it’s a job that I will have to segue way out of.
When I first moved here, I longed for stabilty, steady job, apartment that I can come home to with no drama, being able to afford to get my hair done every two weeks, and now that I have it, I know eventually it will have to end and it sucks. I feel like I’m bitching here, but any and all comments are greatly appreciated.
I want to be an actress, more than anything in the whole world…still. More than anything though, I want to be a successful actress. Successful, in the business, something! I’m just not satisfied, and I hate it.
So far through my trials and tribulations here, I feel that I have become a completely different person. Right now, I’m more relaxed, more responsible, and I feel that mentally I am the strongest I have ever been. But I am also, more pessimistic, more bitter, more neurotic, and even more insecure about my looks than I have ever been. Like I have stated before, when I lived in the south, I honestly did not give a shit about how I looked, and no one else did either. I just wore khaki’s and polo shirts every single day, flip flops, with my hair either in a fake bun or whatever. Nobody commented on if I looked nice or not, or my outfit, or anything. No one gave a shit. I miss that. Since, moving here, I have learned how to walk in heels (actually run in them), I have incorporated at dress that I wore to my sister’s wedding into my work wardrobe, and have not worn tennis shoes in at least the last 3 months. Is it because of peer pressure, perhaps? Is it because I am finally starting to give a shit? Maybe. But right now I’m caught between a rock and a hard place, but I am confused as to what’s really me.
I work for a law firm, my salary is meager, but I still make more money than I thought I would by now, but unfortunately I long for the days when I was temping last year. I got to see a new place ever day,. I’ve been to every part of Beverly Hills, I had freedom as to choose which days I want to work. And I got to do jobs where I didn’t have to think. I can just sit there and plot ways to further my career. But alas, due to health insurance, credit card, debt, and apartment hunting. I had to get a real job. A job that I like, a job I appreciate, but if I want to pursue my dream, which I still very much want to do, it’s a job that I will have to segue way out of.
When I first moved here, I longed for stabilty, steady job, apartment that I can come home to with no drama, being able to afford to get my hair done every two weeks, and now that I have it, I know eventually it will have to end and it sucks. I feel like I’m bitching here, but any and all comments are greatly appreciated.
Monday, August 25, 2008
All suggestions needed....
I am restless. I quit my second job and I am going crazy. I quit so that I can get a life. So now I need to get one and I don't know how to do that. Like for real, I'm sure I'm PMSing right now, but I really need to get out and meet new people because the ones I know suck. Oh, yeah I'm broke. Any advice?
Friday, August 01, 2008
For those who have been wondering..
I know I said that I would be continuing the whole dating rules post, but I'll do that next post, but I figure I'd take the time to address something I have been avoiding talking about the last two months... Mike.
And the status Mike and I...(drum roll)...we're friends (really) and we're fine.
Its kind of amazing how life throws you a bone after all that drama. When I moved out, Mike helped me move my stuff and after that I don't think I talked to him really for about a week or two. When I left, I literally felt like I don't care what happens to us, I'm indiferrent about it all. Fuck it, I talk to you, I don't, whatever. 1-2 weeks later, he's staying with his friend at the moment, he called me because a job that he had gotten resended their offer no reason. He was understandably upset, I came over we had a loong talk, he got on anti-depressants and we've been fine ever since.
Yes, he's still with his girlfriend. And no, I don't care. He can marry her for all I care. Do I love him? Sure, always will, but I know better now. But I guess that was the point for that living experience. To be honest, Mike does a lot stuff for me, he buys groceries, he fixes stuff in my house, he fixed my car. And nothing in our friendship feels forced or unnatural at all.
What sparked this change you ask? It wasn't him, it was me, I made my life completely about him, but I didn't want to deal with what I needed to do. That's why I went apeshit when he got with his girl. She fucked up my plans. I started caring about myself, giving myself peace of mind, and I stopped making my whole life revolve another person. I even stopped with all the dramatic behavior, stopped gossiping, stopped talking to these stupid ass boys, sleeping more, stopped going to orange county as much, and most importantly, I stopped talking on the phone, which was really the source of all my bitchy musings.
All I really want for him at this point is to get his shit together, and be successful, even if its without me. And to be honest, this is the most valiant ever I've seen him make. He's medicated, he's not on the phone as much, and he's not nearly as sporadic. Its almost like we both finally got a clue at the same time.
I really didn't think I could sort of march forward, unless I cut him out of my life. And this point in time, with my state of mind I would have no problem doing it, because I'm all about no drama these days. But in some weird way, God made so I didn't have to and I am grateful for that.
And the status Mike and I...(drum roll)...we're friends (really) and we're fine.
Its kind of amazing how life throws you a bone after all that drama. When I moved out, Mike helped me move my stuff and after that I don't think I talked to him really for about a week or two. When I left, I literally felt like I don't care what happens to us, I'm indiferrent about it all. Fuck it, I talk to you, I don't, whatever. 1-2 weeks later, he's staying with his friend at the moment, he called me because a job that he had gotten resended their offer no reason. He was understandably upset, I came over we had a loong talk, he got on anti-depressants and we've been fine ever since.
Yes, he's still with his girlfriend. And no, I don't care. He can marry her for all I care. Do I love him? Sure, always will, but I know better now. But I guess that was the point for that living experience. To be honest, Mike does a lot stuff for me, he buys groceries, he fixes stuff in my house, he fixed my car. And nothing in our friendship feels forced or unnatural at all.
What sparked this change you ask? It wasn't him, it was me, I made my life completely about him, but I didn't want to deal with what I needed to do. That's why I went apeshit when he got with his girl. She fucked up my plans. I started caring about myself, giving myself peace of mind, and I stopped making my whole life revolve another person. I even stopped with all the dramatic behavior, stopped gossiping, stopped talking to these stupid ass boys, sleeping more, stopped going to orange county as much, and most importantly, I stopped talking on the phone, which was really the source of all my bitchy musings.
All I really want for him at this point is to get his shit together, and be successful, even if its without me. And to be honest, this is the most valiant ever I've seen him make. He's medicated, he's not on the phone as much, and he's not nearly as sporadic. Its almost like we both finally got a clue at the same time.
I really didn't think I could sort of march forward, unless I cut him out of my life. And this point in time, with my state of mind I would have no problem doing it, because I'm all about no drama these days. But in some weird way, God made so I didn't have to and I am grateful for that.
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