There I said it...

(Takes a breath...)I take laxatives sometimes after I eat too much so I won't gain more weight. I don't really do it anymore, but at a low point last summer, I was doing it about three times a week. Does that make me bullemic?

I have addressed my horrible body images on this blog before, so I hate going into detail because it becomes boring and repetitve. But, I feel like I have to get it out but its something I need to admit to it to myself. What better way than to put it in some sort of permanent print form!

I believe it all started when I was about 11 or 12. My parents are always the type to keep it real, so when puberty hit and I started picking up a little weight. My mother would cut my portions in half, and my father would tell me I was getting fat without hesitation. My father is the type to put issues on the table that are the truth, whether you care or not, and because I am the way I am, I cared. That was the first time I ever had any thought to any weight issues whatsoever. As a result, my weight fluctuates dramatically to this day, I have clothes in my closet ranging from size 4 to 12. I've always also struggled with some sort of depression, and when that depression hits, I don't eat.

I don't think that its an eating disorder. I've never been anorexic or bullemic or anything like that, but whenever something is going wrong in my life. I turn to my body because that's something that I can actually control.

What brought this on was that I noticed that as I get older, physical appearance is a major part of people's existence. Someone can be the nicest, more sincere person in the world, and people will not give a shit just because they are fat or "ugly". A heavier woman who works at my job is a very nice person and a really hard worker. But when our boss goes on business trips to meet clients that she brings in, he never takes her. He takes the cute, skinny, no personality blonde. Sadly, living in the south its so much worse that the rest of the country percieves it too be.

The black women, at least, are never really pressured to keep that weight down, and larger women will make that occasional trip to the gym but not because they want to lose weight or get healthy, they just want to "tone up a little". If you're thin, they tell you need to eat or think something's wrong with you. I am average weight, average height, and even when I hit my heaviest not to long ago, at least once or twice a week, someone always commented on how small I was. When I went to lunch with co-workers and I didn't finish my meal, or better yet turned down a meal, they would ask me if I was sick.

My body issues are still prevalent because of these two reasons. The first reason being that I want to be an actress, I'm not light-skinned nor do I have caucasian features, so I'm going to be at a disadvantage. I'm going to have to keep my weight in check in order for me to have a chance. The second reason, as screwed up as this is, I feel like if I gain weight I will be conforming to the stereotype of the southern black woman. Since I live in a small town in the south, there are very few black women that I have met here who believe in keeping themselves in shape. They would rather be fat with a man who treats them like shit, than be healthy without one. They are unmarried with kids, no job, and if they have a man its usually a trifling one that they hold on to because they are scared to death of being alone. That's brutal, but its true.

What I am trying to work on, is not actually losing weight, but actually not being obsessed with losing it. Its a work in progress, but as cliche as it sounds, you have to admit you have one first.