I met guy. He's really nice, total perfect gentleman. So far we have had two lunch dates and one date to the Alicia Keys concert. He's fairly attractive, fairly smart, unattached but he's a little young acting. What's the problem you ask? I'm not attracted to him. And I keep trying to make myself.
You see, I am drawn to what I like to refer to as the "beautiful loser". Beautiful losers are really good looking men, who cannot seem to quite get their shit together finacially or mentally. Always down on their luck, always going through a hard time, always tortured. Can't quite ever figure out why life chose them specifically to receive shit end of the stick. Always beautiful. This formula has proved time and time again that it does not work for me. At all.
Did you know that the definiton of insane means that when someone does the same thing over and over again, hoping for the same result. Yeah, learned that on Ugly Betty.
I refuse to be one of those women who claim to be only attrached to "thugs", or "someone with an edge" or whatever. Its such bullshit. Basically all that means woman is attracted to someone who reinforces their own fucked up self-esteem. The relationship can't go anywhere but down. Trust me, I am an expert on this subject. It never works out.
Okay, so back to ol' boy. Not into him at all, can't really figure out why. He's a sweetheart, but he's a little young acting which is kind of a turn off, plus I have a million things going on in my mind right now, (such as my homelessness that will take place in about 2 weeks and the power bill I have to figure out how to pay) so I don't really know, Or lastly, but definately least is it because the sting from Mike still hasn't worn off yet, and I'm completely numb and don't even want to look at boys much less contemplate a relationship. Anyhoo, after lunch today, I decided I'm just going to be friends with him.
Its so funny how life works, I've been bitching about being single forever, and when the time finally comes where I am fully concentrating on handling my business, here they come.
I'd greatly appreciate some advice on this topic before I go into self-analyzation hell.
(Oh, did I mention he was in the miliary, for 8 years, yeah, that torpedoed that shit into friendship right then and there.)
Monday, May 12, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Progress Made (?)
So I have been venturing out meeting other guys, not to much avail. I met this one at the club about two weeks ago, we talked on the phone on and off for about two weeks. He kind of stood me up twice. The first time he was supposed to meet me at the movies when I got off work, I was going anyway, so if he showed up he showed up. When I spoke to him earlier that day, he said that he may meet me there and to call him when I got off work. So I did, and no answer. No big whoop. He called me this past Friday, he was in the area and he met me downtown by my job. We talked for a second and we discussed meeting up that Sunday after the Laker game, called him on Sunday, no answer. Whatever.
Another one I met at Starbucks this past Saturday, was crazy, but I spotted it early. First off, he had a USMC tatoo on his arm. Mililtary tatoo=crazy. Second, he was aggressively hitting on me, which never happens in LA=crazy. Third, asked him what he did, the first thing that he said was "a little bit of everything." Crazy. I gave him my phone number because I'm trying to take my therapist's advice to not be such a bitch anymore, but I didn't answer his calls. Or his texts, that came 10 minutes after I left Starbucks. Crazy.
Loverboy is gone until next week, and before he left, in a nutshell I told him I felt. Well, an abbreviated version anyway. I came home and he was playing around with me, and I got really pissed off. I mean really pissed off. I basically screamed at him that I was sick of his fucking smart ass mouth, and making me feel like shit, all while I took off my shoes and hurled them at his head. It came to a head when I took his electronic keys, and threw them against the wall, smashing them. I honestly did not mean to do that, but I got a strange sense of relief when I did. He was pissed and I was glad. I just got so sick of being pissed of all the time, it felt better that he was pissed for once.
The next day, it led into an argument about how violent and angry I've become. And he was right, I have, so I told him. I didn't tell him that I loved him. My exact words were, "I've done a lot for you for the past 6 years, and I care about you more than I like to admit, and you hurt me...a lot." When I said that, I think he was waiting for something else, but I believe that pretty much did the trick. Honestly, I'm glad I told him. It's kind of like I released it into the universe, instead of burdening myself and my friends all the time.
He said that he acknowledges that he had a lot to do with the way I felt, aka he led me on, and that he didn't intentionally mean to hurt me. I said I know. He said he was sorry. I said I know.
Truth is, I could care less what he does with his guilt or information, and I don't want to discuss it any further. I haven't had sex in months, because I'm tired of feeling like sex is the only thing I have to offer to hook a guy. This is the first time in my life, that I don't feel like having a booty call, that I actually want to get to know a person before I decide I want to have sex with me, and the men who want the instant gratification need to get over themselves.
Another one I met at Starbucks this past Saturday, was crazy, but I spotted it early. First off, he had a USMC tatoo on his arm. Mililtary tatoo=crazy. Second, he was aggressively hitting on me, which never happens in LA=crazy. Third, asked him what he did, the first thing that he said was "a little bit of everything." Crazy. I gave him my phone number because I'm trying to take my therapist's advice to not be such a bitch anymore, but I didn't answer his calls. Or his texts, that came 10 minutes after I left Starbucks. Crazy.
Loverboy is gone until next week, and before he left, in a nutshell I told him I felt. Well, an abbreviated version anyway. I came home and he was playing around with me, and I got really pissed off. I mean really pissed off. I basically screamed at him that I was sick of his fucking smart ass mouth, and making me feel like shit, all while I took off my shoes and hurled them at his head. It came to a head when I took his electronic keys, and threw them against the wall, smashing them. I honestly did not mean to do that, but I got a strange sense of relief when I did. He was pissed and I was glad. I just got so sick of being pissed of all the time, it felt better that he was pissed for once.
The next day, it led into an argument about how violent and angry I've become. And he was right, I have, so I told him. I didn't tell him that I loved him. My exact words were, "I've done a lot for you for the past 6 years, and I care about you more than I like to admit, and you hurt me...a lot." When I said that, I think he was waiting for something else, but I believe that pretty much did the trick. Honestly, I'm glad I told him. It's kind of like I released it into the universe, instead of burdening myself and my friends all the time.
He said that he acknowledges that he had a lot to do with the way I felt, aka he led me on, and that he didn't intentionally mean to hurt me. I said I know. He said he was sorry. I said I know.
Truth is, I could care less what he does with his guilt or information, and I don't want to discuss it any further. I haven't had sex in months, because I'm tired of feeling like sex is the only thing I have to offer to hook a guy. This is the first time in my life, that I don't feel like having a booty call, that I actually want to get to know a person before I decide I want to have sex with me, and the men who want the instant gratification need to get over themselves.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The book coming soon...
We got out of the lease. I have to be out of my apartement by the end of this month. I don't have to live with Michael anymore after the end of this month. Am I happy? Mmmm, its bittersweet. I don't have to deal with looking at the man I love and the woman he loves for another 7 months.
How did we get you ask? God, that's how. Long story short, we have been having problems with the neighbors parking, and when we called the landlord on them, they threatened us and him. So he let us out. Deposit back and all.
Its bitterweet because I'm still really, really depressed. My depression has gone though different phases. For a while, I was just really angry. Mad at myself for being the emotional trashbasket for so long, then mad at him for making me love him, and then coming to the realization that he never loved me back, then mad at myself because I didn't feel like I was good enough, I was pretty enough, sexy enough, girly enough, then mad at him him again for not giving me any respect and being a self-involved piece of shit. Like 6 years never happened. Man, I was angry. Now, I'm just really hurt. Just hurt about the whole situation.
Not to comapare my situation to anyone else's but this happens all the time. People get involved in each other's lives only for it to end. One may fall out of love with the other, or both may fall out of love. Kids sometimes are involved, money, property, and it gets pretty ugly. It just happens. It just does. That doesn't make it suck any less, though.
This phase has been the least physically challenging to deal with so far, I am able to eat and sleep a little with this one. I am far from reaching acceptance, it will probably be some years until I get there, but at the very least I want to move on. I want to not hurt anymore. I don't want to know why he didn't want me or what I could do. I just want to be normal again and go a week without writing a blog about him.
How did we get you ask? God, that's how. Long story short, we have been having problems with the neighbors parking, and when we called the landlord on them, they threatened us and him. So he let us out. Deposit back and all.
Its bitterweet because I'm still really, really depressed. My depression has gone though different phases. For a while, I was just really angry. Mad at myself for being the emotional trashbasket for so long, then mad at him for making me love him, and then coming to the realization that he never loved me back, then mad at myself because I didn't feel like I was good enough, I was pretty enough, sexy enough, girly enough, then mad at him him again for not giving me any respect and being a self-involved piece of shit. Like 6 years never happened. Man, I was angry. Now, I'm just really hurt. Just hurt about the whole situation.
Not to comapare my situation to anyone else's but this happens all the time. People get involved in each other's lives only for it to end. One may fall out of love with the other, or both may fall out of love. Kids sometimes are involved, money, property, and it gets pretty ugly. It just happens. It just does. That doesn't make it suck any less, though.
This phase has been the least physically challenging to deal with so far, I am able to eat and sleep a little with this one. I am far from reaching acceptance, it will probably be some years until I get there, but at the very least I want to move on. I want to not hurt anymore. I don't want to know why he didn't want me or what I could do. I just want to be normal again and go a week without writing a blog about him.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Accepting Singledom
Haven't had a boyfriend in 7 years. But I was in a relationship for 6. This is how I phrase it now. My state of mind changed. It doesn't quite sound as pathetic because one piggybacked off of another. Truth is I haven't had a boyfriend, because I was in a relationship for 6 years.
This is also the first time in about, gasp, 8 or 9 years, where I really actually feel single. And by single, there ain't nobody. No sex. I mean single in terms of no fuck buddy, no one that I'm messing with, nothing. I have been in deep, deep depressions because I thought that I was such as pathetic loser, so unattatractive, that no one wanted me for 7 years, but the truth I haven't been without a "relationship" for no longer than 2 months since the age of 20. I'm 29. Sexual relationships count as relationships.
Another truth, is that most the most part I have sabotaged a lot of my relationships from the beginning. Realtionships that where a couple could have actually been my boyfriend. I remember I was screwing the janitor in my building at the university, I totally turned that in a sexual relationship. I guess he was just trying to befriend me, but I pushed it, because I felt there was no hope for a future there, (aka so I won't get hurt). The only guy I have actually had sex with in California besides Mike actually had a girlfriend, and we were just talking, But as ususal I rushed the sex, because I knew there was no future. Plus, I only wanted someone around to take my mind off Mike. How it ended was that he was disappointed that I wasn't more limber during sex, he also expressed that my body would be so much better if I worked out.
Click.
I have to really accept my singledom. I never have before. Ever. Its lonely. But I am. Single. Sadly, it took Mike getting a girlfirend to turn things around. But it would still be so easy to think he's still mine, because the girl doesn't live in LA. And old me would think, oh when she's not around he's with me. Not very different as to what I thought to myself in the past, unfortunately. I can say that I won't be by myself forever, but I also have to accept that I may, and that has to be okay too.
This is also the first time in about, gasp, 8 or 9 years, where I really actually feel single. And by single, there ain't nobody. No sex. I mean single in terms of no fuck buddy, no one that I'm messing with, nothing. I have been in deep, deep depressions because I thought that I was such as pathetic loser, so unattatractive, that no one wanted me for 7 years, but the truth I haven't been without a "relationship" for no longer than 2 months since the age of 20. I'm 29. Sexual relationships count as relationships.
Another truth, is that most the most part I have sabotaged a lot of my relationships from the beginning. Realtionships that where a couple could have actually been my boyfriend. I remember I was screwing the janitor in my building at the university, I totally turned that in a sexual relationship. I guess he was just trying to befriend me, but I pushed it, because I felt there was no hope for a future there, (aka so I won't get hurt). The only guy I have actually had sex with in California besides Mike actually had a girlfriend, and we were just talking, But as ususal I rushed the sex, because I knew there was no future. Plus, I only wanted someone around to take my mind off Mike. How it ended was that he was disappointed that I wasn't more limber during sex, he also expressed that my body would be so much better if I worked out.
Click.
I have to really accept my singledom. I never have before. Ever. Its lonely. But I am. Single. Sadly, it took Mike getting a girlfirend to turn things around. But it would still be so easy to think he's still mine, because the girl doesn't live in LA. And old me would think, oh when she's not around he's with me. Not very different as to what I thought to myself in the past, unfortunately. I can say that I won't be by myself forever, but I also have to accept that I may, and that has to be okay too.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Break Over....
Mike a.ka. Loverboy got a girlfriend. One who he is madly in love with and wants to marry by the end of this year. And yes, I am miserable. I mean MIZ-ER-ABLE. I’ve been in this sadomashichistic relationship for 6 years now, torturing myself everday, and even more so by living with him, and this is how it ends? He gets to be happy? After all the wrong he’s done to me and the millions of other women in the world, he gets to live happily ever after? So not fair, but then again the world isn’t fair, that’s for damn sure. I have been a straight up basket case ever since I moved in that damn house, and this is the result. I’m leaving out a lot of the gory details, but in a nutshell, Mike doesn’t see me as girlfriend potential at all, he sees himself as his poor miserable friend that he has to bail out and help when he’s in a jam. Helpless friend by the way. helpless as in stupid. He doesn’t know me very well at all. I mean at all, and you have to seriously have to be a self-involved shell of a person to talk to someone every day for 6 damn years and not know them at all.
Truth be told, I am obsessed with this situation.Obsessed as to why he doesn’t want me in that way, obsessed as to how I can be disregarded so quickly, and obsessed as to why my self-esteem is so horrible that I actually want this boy to want me. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough or clueless, or why everything about me is wrong. We had a talk and I told him not to talk about her to me, because I don’t want to hear it. I can’t hear it, its too much. And I obviously loved him more than I thought. We’re barely speaking at this point, and it needs to be that way. In the same breath, I can’t believe how much I fucked up. It makes me sick to my stomach to go home everyday, knowing that I spent so much time waiting for this boy to love me, just to see him give completely of himself to someone else.
The break is over I will keep everyone posted.
Truth be told, I am obsessed with this situation.Obsessed as to why he doesn’t want me in that way, obsessed as to how I can be disregarded so quickly, and obsessed as to why my self-esteem is so horrible that I actually want this boy to want me. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough or clueless, or why everything about me is wrong. We had a talk and I told him not to talk about her to me, because I don’t want to hear it. I can’t hear it, its too much. And I obviously loved him more than I thought. We’re barely speaking at this point, and it needs to be that way. In the same breath, I can’t believe how much I fucked up. It makes me sick to my stomach to go home everyday, knowing that I spent so much time waiting for this boy to love me, just to see him give completely of himself to someone else.
The break is over I will keep everyone posted.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Goodbye for Now
As you can see my posts have become fewer and far between. Its been crazy lately. I've been a neurotic nutcase. Growing pains as one of my friends calls it. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to quit for a little while. I'm not gone, just on an extended break. Just in case anyone is interested in what's going on in my life, I'll check back for the comments on this particular entry, or you can email me at cookie21204@yahoo.com and I'll answer anything you want.
But ta-ta. And see you later.
But ta-ta. And see you later.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Easy Random Tibits 2008
1. New Year's Resolutions for 2008.
Be more secure with myself physically.
Get back in shape.
Everything else ties to these two things.
Be more vein.
This is such a looks oriented town, and for someone whom most of the tine does not care about their appearance, this is not good. I'm just not a girl. I want to be more of a girl. My cousin has to coach me on how to be a girl. We're going to go into that full force now.
2. Roomate situation.
Mentally, totally over him. It still stings when I see him with another girl, but I'm a lot more okay than I was in the past.
3. Date more.
I've suprisingly has two bad dates. But you know what, I am so grateful that I have gotten to this point where I can actually put myself out there, and not be obesssed over a certain someone anymore. Also, I actually got the balls to dump two guys.
4. Loverboy - Mike
Loverboy exists no longer, he is now christened with his real name.
5. Understand and accept myself, and I am a great person.
I am. I forget that sometimes. But we're working on that too.
Be more secure with myself physically.
Get back in shape.
Everything else ties to these two things.
Be more vein.
This is such a looks oriented town, and for someone whom most of the tine does not care about their appearance, this is not good. I'm just not a girl. I want to be more of a girl. My cousin has to coach me on how to be a girl. We're going to go into that full force now.
2. Roomate situation.
Mentally, totally over him. It still stings when I see him with another girl, but I'm a lot more okay than I was in the past.
3. Date more.
I've suprisingly has two bad dates. But you know what, I am so grateful that I have gotten to this point where I can actually put myself out there, and not be obesssed over a certain someone anymore. Also, I actually got the balls to dump two guys.
4. Loverboy - Mike
Loverboy exists no longer, he is now christened with his real name.
5. Understand and accept myself, and I am a great person.
I am. I forget that sometimes. But we're working on that too.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Oh no....
So the vicious cycle begins again. 5 and a half years running now. Same thing happened when we lived together earlier this year.
I hate him and myself for about a month for being so stupid for getting involved with this asshole. I cry to my friends, I cry in my sleep, and I have days that I just can't even work.
Then magically it disappears. I don't know if its because I start feeling better about myself, then start feeling better about my situation, or if I'm just a glutton for punishment, but I start getting infatuated again.
This time its a little different, we live together now, so a) My stupidity will be rubbed immediately in my face and b)it will be harder to avoid the situation at hand.
When you love someone, you don't just stop loving them. Its a fight. You have to constantly fight yourself and your feelings so you can move on. Its a battle that I have admittedly gotten a little cocky about over the last couple of days, but then comes this part, the part I forgot about...the relapse.
Didn't sleep with him, not a moron. That's a whole can of worms I would be opening up. But I wanted to. Why? Don't know. He's working his regular job again, and he's having stress, and trouble like a regular human being, and for the moment he's being reasonable, and seems truly sorry for blowing up at me last week. No women, at least in the house, for about 2 weeks now. In other words, he's being normal...for the time being. And its sweet. And I'm a fucking idiot.
Getting out of the lease can happen, but we'll lose a lot of money on the deposit, it looks like more and more that I will have to suck this up for another year. I've been strong so far.
Keep you posted.
I hate him and myself for about a month for being so stupid for getting involved with this asshole. I cry to my friends, I cry in my sleep, and I have days that I just can't even work.
Then magically it disappears. I don't know if its because I start feeling better about myself, then start feeling better about my situation, or if I'm just a glutton for punishment, but I start getting infatuated again.
This time its a little different, we live together now, so a) My stupidity will be rubbed immediately in my face and b)it will be harder to avoid the situation at hand.
When you love someone, you don't just stop loving them. Its a fight. You have to constantly fight yourself and your feelings so you can move on. Its a battle that I have admittedly gotten a little cocky about over the last couple of days, but then comes this part, the part I forgot about...the relapse.
Didn't sleep with him, not a moron. That's a whole can of worms I would be opening up. But I wanted to. Why? Don't know. He's working his regular job again, and he's having stress, and trouble like a regular human being, and for the moment he's being reasonable, and seems truly sorry for blowing up at me last week. No women, at least in the house, for about 2 weeks now. In other words, he's being normal...for the time being. And its sweet. And I'm a fucking idiot.
Getting out of the lease can happen, but we'll lose a lot of money on the deposit, it looks like more and more that I will have to suck this up for another year. I've been strong so far.
Keep you posted.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Need Jesus.
So the Loverboy situation is worse than I thought.. And here is my state of mind right now. Here's a copy of the email I wrote to my best friend. I think it pretty much explains everything.
"Mike had another girl over last night. One just left Sunday night. After realizing that this is going to be a more regular occurence than I originally thought, I realized how much of an idiot I was. I realized that I've spent the last 5+ years of my life literally obseesed with this dude for absoultely no reason at all. All I've done is ignored it, suppressed it, and made excuses for it. And to think about that along with the daily train of females running in out of the house makes me sick. Also, the most startling realization was also that, that was me. I was one of those females, and I subconciously kept believing that I was the only one.
This is hard situation to deal with because he never promised me anything as far as a relationship, not even dating. So its really not fair to blame him.
This morning was hard. I haven't slept in about 2 days and I cannot stop crying because I blame myself for being so fucking stupid. Everything you have said about me making myself indespesable is absolutely correct. I'm trying to get through my days, but I know now I'm not going to magically stop hurting overnight. I'm trying though."
I'll be honest here and say I moved in with him for selfish reasons, and its totally kicking me in the ass now. I shouldn't have done it. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I should actually voice these concerns out loud, but I really don't know what do.
Any thoughts.
Kimmy
"Mike had another girl over last night. One just left Sunday night. After realizing that this is going to be a more regular occurence than I originally thought, I realized how much of an idiot I was. I realized that I've spent the last 5+ years of my life literally obseesed with this dude for absoultely no reason at all. All I've done is ignored it, suppressed it, and made excuses for it. And to think about that along with the daily train of females running in out of the house makes me sick. Also, the most startling realization was also that, that was me. I was one of those females, and I subconciously kept believing that I was the only one.
This is hard situation to deal with because he never promised me anything as far as a relationship, not even dating. So its really not fair to blame him.
This morning was hard. I haven't slept in about 2 days and I cannot stop crying because I blame myself for being so fucking stupid. Everything you have said about me making myself indespesable is absolutely correct. I'm trying to get through my days, but I know now I'm not going to magically stop hurting overnight. I'm trying though."
I'll be honest here and say I moved in with him for selfish reasons, and its totally kicking me in the ass now. I shouldn't have done it. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I should actually voice these concerns out loud, but I really don't know what do.
Any thoughts.
Kimmy
Thursday, November 29, 2007
More Sorry....
I need internet at home!! I'll address a few topics really quickly and elaborate as needed at a later time.
1. Yes, loverboy and I are roomates. He's already brought a girl over, and I believe there is one coming over for the weekend. I'm dealing.
2. I'm really, really ready to move on. That's why I wanted to move in with him in the first place, so I can do so.
3. New job, so far is very quiet and calm. This is the first time ever that my worklife is calm, and my home life is chaotic.
4. Don't know if we'll be able to pay the rent this weekend. Hmmm.
5. Skin is 1000x times better.
6. Even though I left the bank, I came out of it with some new actual friends. That's a cool thing.
7. I believe I have an eating disorder. Just a tiny one.
8. I'm a lot more mellow now, having my own place and all. Still anxious, but I don't want to kill myself anymore from the stress.
9. As far as my roomate situation, I'm doing it for a reason, so I'll just pray, and things will come what may.
10. HBIC has not stopped talking about me since I left the house of Satan. I believe she was falling in love with me...
Miss you all!!
1. Yes, loverboy and I are roomates. He's already brought a girl over, and I believe there is one coming over for the weekend. I'm dealing.
2. I'm really, really ready to move on. That's why I wanted to move in with him in the first place, so I can do so.
3. New job, so far is very quiet and calm. This is the first time ever that my worklife is calm, and my home life is chaotic.
4. Don't know if we'll be able to pay the rent this weekend. Hmmm.
5. Skin is 1000x times better.
6. Even though I left the bank, I came out of it with some new actual friends. That's a cool thing.
7. I believe I have an eating disorder. Just a tiny one.
8. I'm a lot more mellow now, having my own place and all. Still anxious, but I don't want to kill myself anymore from the stress.
9. As far as my roomate situation, I'm doing it for a reason, so I'll just pray, and things will come what may.
10. HBIC has not stopped talking about me since I left the house of Satan. I believe she was falling in love with me...
Miss you all!!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
WTF is wrong with me?
I've seriously felt like a crazy person for the last 4 or 5 days. I've been way more smart ass than usual. Very short tempered. Somewhat rude. Hardly any appetite. Just nuts.
I've narrowing it down to these reasons:
I'm not pregnant.Can't be. Let's move on.
Stress. The Loverboy apartment thing is really taking its toll on me mentally. I can't quite figure out why. Could it be I've been madly in love with this boy for 5 or 6 years, we're moving in together and its not romantically. Plus, there is this great apartment we're in the running for, and he's out of town still. Not his fault, family issues. But still just really bad timing. He doesn't even have internet access, so he can't fill out the rental information. I have to do it. Just like I have to do everything, lately.
I have to do everything. This is what happens when you're single in a big city. You have to handle your own business all the time. I mean all the time. With no partner. And its exhausting. This is the only time I really miss having a boyfriend. When there is no one there to pick out the apartment, chase down apartment managers, in between doing things like finding time to do laundry, do grocery shopping, cooking dinner, all in between a day off here and there with two jobs. And there's no one at home to offer to rub your feet, sit with ask how your day was. Just an empty house with no cable. I'm starting to cry as I write this so I think I hit a nerve somewhere.
Men So I met this guy who works at my store. He's new. He's a model/actor which is fine. Cute. He opened his mouth and completely turned me off. He was nice enough, seemed to be mentally competent and I believe he was in my age range. But he actually opened his mouth and said he only took this job so he can hang out with his friends, and he could give a shit about doing any work. His "friend" who works there is the biggest lazy bullshitter on the planet. So I turned and walked the other way when he wasn't looking. Between this one, and the guy who works at my job who cannot stop talking. I really can't help but to think I'm being to judgemental about guys. I can't even let myself try to lie someone anymore. I just don't trust it.
I don't know, I'm just so over everything. Just over it. Like I said in a previous post, I've never worked so hard in my life as I have here. I've gotten some happy breaks, thank god, and I am happy about them. But my extreme lack of personal life is really taking its toll.
I've narrowing it down to these reasons:
I'm not pregnant.Can't be. Let's move on.
Stress. The Loverboy apartment thing is really taking its toll on me mentally. I can't quite figure out why. Could it be I've been madly in love with this boy for 5 or 6 years, we're moving in together and its not romantically. Plus, there is this great apartment we're in the running for, and he's out of town still. Not his fault, family issues. But still just really bad timing. He doesn't even have internet access, so he can't fill out the rental information. I have to do it. Just like I have to do everything, lately.
I have to do everything. This is what happens when you're single in a big city. You have to handle your own business all the time. I mean all the time. With no partner. And its exhausting. This is the only time I really miss having a boyfriend. When there is no one there to pick out the apartment, chase down apartment managers, in between doing things like finding time to do laundry, do grocery shopping, cooking dinner, all in between a day off here and there with two jobs. And there's no one at home to offer to rub your feet, sit with ask how your day was. Just an empty house with no cable. I'm starting to cry as I write this so I think I hit a nerve somewhere.
Men So I met this guy who works at my store. He's new. He's a model/actor which is fine. Cute. He opened his mouth and completely turned me off. He was nice enough, seemed to be mentally competent and I believe he was in my age range. But he actually opened his mouth and said he only took this job so he can hang out with his friends, and he could give a shit about doing any work. His "friend" who works there is the biggest lazy bullshitter on the planet. So I turned and walked the other way when he wasn't looking. Between this one, and the guy who works at my job who cannot stop talking. I really can't help but to think I'm being to judgemental about guys. I can't even let myself try to lie someone anymore. I just don't trust it.
I don't know, I'm just so over everything. Just over it. Like I said in a previous post, I've never worked so hard in my life as I have here. I've gotten some happy breaks, thank god, and I am happy about them. But my extreme lack of personal life is really taking its toll.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
The last days of the House of Satan
7 days and counting, then I get to bust out of hell. It doesn't seem real to tell you the truth. I got my offer letter for my new job in the mail yesterday and it kind of made it more real.
I'm trying to shake that feeling that I'm done, that I made it, that I'm finished. I have a strong sense of accomplishment right now, but truth be told I have a very long way to go. I bitched and bitched until I couldn't bitch anymore, but of course, as always, God puts you through things for a reason. Almost every circumstance to this point, the poverty, the anger, the living situation, the extreme fatigue, got me to finally believe I was better than my situation, and to continue to strive for what I feel I deserve.
The highlights:
-Dealing with the HBIC everyday, really hammered home the point that everyone that is not going to like me, for whatever reason and that's okay. I have me, and I would totally hang out with me. I seriously could give a shit what other people think about me anymore. I needed that.
-Since I was sitting here all day just answering phones, I got to read a lot (and I mean a lot), especially a lot of self-help books that gave me fantastic tips on how to change my mindset in order to achieve success.
(My favorite? Think and Grow Rich: A Black Choice by Dennis Kimbro. Great for all groups, not just blacks. I'm re-reading it now.)
-I get to work at the Grove, I used to read about it all day every day at my old job, now I work there. Its a pretty fascinating place, not necessarily the celebrity aspect, but the people watching aspect. I love that there are so many kinds of people who pass through. Something I'm not used to living in the country for so long.
-I learned the power personal affirmations. My therapist told me say them and I never did because I thought it was stupid. That shit works. Like gangbusters. I don't even use them that much anymore, because I don't want to lessen their power. I just kind of keep them in my arsenal.
-I lost a ton of weight because of the stress and I'm going to try my super damnest to keep it off.
As far as having the long way to go:
-There is that small acting career that I kind of moved out here for. I'm auditing classes, but since I've been in extreme survival mode, the passion has waned somewhat. There are a whole bunch of actors who work at my part time job, as well as come in to shop and to be honest, I'm still working there to keep my passion alive.
-My skin has suffered. No sleep and no eating has taken its toll.Its going through a transition period right now. But it hurts to talk about. We'll move on.
-I'm tired. All the time. I've never worked so hard in my life, mentally and physically as I have in the last 7 months. I sort of feel like, since I'm making more money now, I can relax a little. But I can't. I just can't.
I'm trying to shake that feeling that I'm done, that I made it, that I'm finished. I have a strong sense of accomplishment right now, but truth be told I have a very long way to go. I bitched and bitched until I couldn't bitch anymore, but of course, as always, God puts you through things for a reason. Almost every circumstance to this point, the poverty, the anger, the living situation, the extreme fatigue, got me to finally believe I was better than my situation, and to continue to strive for what I feel I deserve.
The highlights:
-Dealing with the HBIC everyday, really hammered home the point that everyone that is not going to like me, for whatever reason and that's okay. I have me, and I would totally hang out with me. I seriously could give a shit what other people think about me anymore. I needed that.
-Since I was sitting here all day just answering phones, I got to read a lot (and I mean a lot), especially a lot of self-help books that gave me fantastic tips on how to change my mindset in order to achieve success.
(My favorite? Think and Grow Rich: A Black Choice by Dennis Kimbro. Great for all groups, not just blacks. I'm re-reading it now.)
-I get to work at the Grove, I used to read about it all day every day at my old job, now I work there. Its a pretty fascinating place, not necessarily the celebrity aspect, but the people watching aspect. I love that there are so many kinds of people who pass through. Something I'm not used to living in the country for so long.
-I learned the power personal affirmations. My therapist told me say them and I never did because I thought it was stupid. That shit works. Like gangbusters. I don't even use them that much anymore, because I don't want to lessen their power. I just kind of keep them in my arsenal.
-I lost a ton of weight because of the stress and I'm going to try my super damnest to keep it off.
As far as having the long way to go:
-There is that small acting career that I kind of moved out here for. I'm auditing classes, but since I've been in extreme survival mode, the passion has waned somewhat. There are a whole bunch of actors who work at my part time job, as well as come in to shop and to be honest, I'm still working there to keep my passion alive.
-My skin has suffered. No sleep and no eating has taken its toll.Its going through a transition period right now. But it hurts to talk about. We'll move on.
-I'm tired. All the time. I've never worked so hard in my life, mentally and physically as I have in the last 7 months. I sort of feel like, since I'm making more money now, I can relax a little. But I can't. I just can't.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Guess what....
I got an offer from an lawfirm that I interviewed with a month ago. I get to bust out of hell in two weeks.
Honestly, I'm happy yet I'm torn. Truth is I'm happy because I get to tell the house of satan fuck you about 2 months ahead of schedule. Sad, because since I'm so broke I have to push back my acting career on the backburner yet again.
Its bittersweet. Love that I have a real job. I can't do anything right now anyway, I have no headshots, no classes, nothing. That is going to take a while. Now I have to start from scratch and I can't do anything anyway. And I need the money. and the money is decent. I can sort of build up the nest egg. And I get to tell the bank fuck you, did I mention that already?
What do you all think?
Honestly, I'm happy yet I'm torn. Truth is I'm happy because I get to tell the house of satan fuck you about 2 months ahead of schedule. Sad, because since I'm so broke I have to push back my acting career on the backburner yet again.
Its bittersweet. Love that I have a real job. I can't do anything right now anyway, I have no headshots, no classes, nothing. That is going to take a while. Now I have to start from scratch and I can't do anything anyway. And I need the money. and the money is decent. I can sort of build up the nest egg. And I get to tell the bank fuck you, did I mention that already?
What do you all think?
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Reflections......
Yes, I'm still in the house of satan. But I hope to bust out soon. I am sure I will be gone before the end of this year. But it still sucks.
I go to audit my first acting class tonight. I am terrified. Really nervous. I am aware its just an audit, I am just going to look at a class, but this is the first actual step that I have put towards my acting career in hmmm. About 1 and 3/4 years? Not counting moving across the country to pursue it of course. It so weird because this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. What I was born to do. And just actually being within an actual class with other actors working in the business is just unreal to me. I can't wrap my brain around it.
Oh yeah, I am moving into an apartment in less than a month. And as of now, yes I am moving in with Loverboy. I am in extremely, extremely deep denial. Because A) I haven't had my own place in a over a year, and B) Here you can't just move into a place, and say "do, do, do. I don't like it. I'm moving out blah, blah." Its such a huge committment as well as so much money that if you screw up something such as the location, or misreading something on the lease. You're fucked. For a while.
Also, adding to the terrifying aspect I am moving in with Loverboy. When I moved out here, my selfish mind would always hope we'd get closer, but moving in together? I didn't really see that happening. Its still strictly on a friendship level of couse. But I don't know. I have always been the type as to when I'm at home, I'm at home, I'm in my room, eating, watching my cable, leave me the fuck alone. Plus, he's nuts so he can't stay in the house. So as far as conflicts, I'm going to try to avoid it as much as possible. Just knowing I'm going to have my own space in california, another thing I can't really wrap my brain around.
These last seven months have been so trying for me, to say the least. It's still difficult. It feels like seven years. And sadly, I have it good compared to some people. But like the pastor said in church, God puts you through storms to mold you into a better person, and he give you the light when he feels you can truly appreciate it and he's damn sure done that for me. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard. Let's just say, I'm necessarily a completely different person persay, but I look at my attitude no compared to when I first got here seven months ago and I don't know who the fuck that person is.
I go to audit my first acting class tonight. I am terrified. Really nervous. I am aware its just an audit, I am just going to look at a class, but this is the first actual step that I have put towards my acting career in hmmm. About 1 and 3/4 years? Not counting moving across the country to pursue it of course. It so weird because this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. What I was born to do. And just actually being within an actual class with other actors working in the business is just unreal to me. I can't wrap my brain around it.
Oh yeah, I am moving into an apartment in less than a month. And as of now, yes I am moving in with Loverboy. I am in extremely, extremely deep denial. Because A) I haven't had my own place in a over a year, and B) Here you can't just move into a place, and say "do, do, do. I don't like it. I'm moving out blah, blah." Its such a huge committment as well as so much money that if you screw up something such as the location, or misreading something on the lease. You're fucked. For a while.
Also, adding to the terrifying aspect I am moving in with Loverboy. When I moved out here, my selfish mind would always hope we'd get closer, but moving in together? I didn't really see that happening. Its still strictly on a friendship level of couse. But I don't know. I have always been the type as to when I'm at home, I'm at home, I'm in my room, eating, watching my cable, leave me the fuck alone. Plus, he's nuts so he can't stay in the house. So as far as conflicts, I'm going to try to avoid it as much as possible. Just knowing I'm going to have my own space in california, another thing I can't really wrap my brain around.
These last seven months have been so trying for me, to say the least. It's still difficult. It feels like seven years. And sadly, I have it good compared to some people. But like the pastor said in church, God puts you through storms to mold you into a better person, and he give you the light when he feels you can truly appreciate it and he's damn sure done that for me. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard. Let's just say, I'm necessarily a completely different person persay, but I look at my attitude no compared to when I first got here seven months ago and I don't know who the fuck that person is.
Monday, October 01, 2007
I Never Meet Guys
Alright, so here's my annual bitch session about never having a boyfriend, taking on a new form.
You ever hear this before,
"Oh, I met this guy last night..."
"Oh, I was at the grocery store, and I met this guy..."
"Oh, I was out last night and I met this guy...."
Okay, I have never ever said that. Okay, I have said that, but I say that maybe once every hmm... 3 to 4 years? I don't understand how women even do it.
So I've been in LA for roughly seven months now, and this city is the relationship capital of the world. Especially working the mall where I work, I see couples coming in holding hands, the boyfriends dilligently waiting while the girlfriends try on clothes, and in some gross instances couples full on making out and groping each other in the middle of the store. Everyone is in a relationship here. Not that I'm bitter, just an observation.
Here's a startling admission. I really have no idea how to meet guys. At all. I know you're saying, "Oh its easy, you have a personality just go up and talk to them". Well, to be honest, I believe that hinders me better than helps me.
To clarify the previous statement, my friend Addam told me last year something that I resented very much at the time. He said, "I can see why someone like (insert random name here) has a boyfriend, because she's easy. She just is. You're not."
"What are trying to say Addam, am I too complex?"
"Not really complex persay, its just too much."
"What are trying to say, difficult? too smart? too neurotic, what?"
"Put it like this, no dude really wants to deal with all that."
Sadly, as retarded as this all sounds. I completely understand what he meant. And even more sadly, he's absolutely right. Right now, at this moment, I don't feel like I can be with anyone. Even the random occurences when I do meet a guy, and even more random when I meet one I actually like, its like when I open my mouth, its over.
Living here also, its also a hinderence the way I look. As I mentioned in earlier posts, the men are not too fond of the average sized full blooded black women here. And I'm about as average looking black woman as you can get. So unless he's a old non-English speaking Mexican man, or a really old white man with a slave fetish. I'm pretty much screwed.
You ever hear this before,
"Oh, I met this guy last night..."
"Oh, I was at the grocery store, and I met this guy..."
"Oh, I was out last night and I met this guy...."
Okay, I have never ever said that. Okay, I have said that, but I say that maybe once every hmm... 3 to 4 years? I don't understand how women even do it.
So I've been in LA for roughly seven months now, and this city is the relationship capital of the world. Especially working the mall where I work, I see couples coming in holding hands, the boyfriends dilligently waiting while the girlfriends try on clothes, and in some gross instances couples full on making out and groping each other in the middle of the store. Everyone is in a relationship here. Not that I'm bitter, just an observation.
Here's a startling admission. I really have no idea how to meet guys. At all. I know you're saying, "Oh its easy, you have a personality just go up and talk to them". Well, to be honest, I believe that hinders me better than helps me.
To clarify the previous statement, my friend Addam told me last year something that I resented very much at the time. He said, "I can see why someone like (insert random name here) has a boyfriend, because she's easy. She just is. You're not."
"What are trying to say Addam, am I too complex?"
"Not really complex persay, its just too much."
"What are trying to say, difficult? too smart? too neurotic, what?"
"Put it like this, no dude really wants to deal with all that."
Sadly, as retarded as this all sounds. I completely understand what he meant. And even more sadly, he's absolutely right. Right now, at this moment, I don't feel like I can be with anyone. Even the random occurences when I do meet a guy, and even more random when I meet one I actually like, its like when I open my mouth, its over.
Living here also, its also a hinderence the way I look. As I mentioned in earlier posts, the men are not too fond of the average sized full blooded black women here. And I'm about as average looking black woman as you can get. So unless he's a old non-English speaking Mexican man, or a really old white man with a slave fetish. I'm pretty much screwed.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
My New Plan
It had to come to me, and it did so this is what I'm going to do.
I have some money, (this is why God told me to stay at the University for 5 years, sick time check, and retirement fund) its not a whole lot but enough to get me thinking. If I'm not gone from here by the time I move which is November, I'm putting in the two weeks. I'm really unhappy. I can't do anything, i'm totally trapped. I can't just leave when I need to in order to a i.e. look for a job I want, or pursue any sort of acting interest. This is why I moved here, and I think God giving me that money is trying to tell me something.
I'm not going to be rash, because its hard to find a job here. But your thoughts are a little clearer, when you have just a tad more financial stability.
Please give your thoughts.
I have some money, (this is why God told me to stay at the University for 5 years, sick time check, and retirement fund) its not a whole lot but enough to get me thinking. If I'm not gone from here by the time I move which is November, I'm putting in the two weeks. I'm really unhappy. I can't do anything, i'm totally trapped. I can't just leave when I need to in order to a i.e. look for a job I want, or pursue any sort of acting interest. This is why I moved here, and I think God giving me that money is trying to tell me something.
I'm not going to be rash, because its hard to find a job here. But your thoughts are a little clearer, when you have just a tad more financial stability.
Please give your thoughts.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Dealing with the drama...
Okay, so no new job prospects as of yet. Had an interview on Weds., but you know how employers are this day in age, i.e. "Oh, we liked her but there was another candidate who was taller than her who can reach shelves, so we're going to go with her." Oh, and also, my boss put a bullet in another internal interview I had here, because she felt that "one of her people" was getting stolen. I'm in hell.
HBIC wanted to bury the hatchet with me. She pulled a friend of mine aside from next door and told her so. Don't get me wrong. This truce has nothing to do with me, it had everything to do with the image that we were portraying around the office. (I.e. The white people were getting a kick out of the two blck girls fighting). It bothered her, but not me. I have realized in my short time here that people have something to say about everything you do, from your clothes to your hair, to the car you drive, so just let them say it. I also got to the point where I stop letting her childish shenangians bothering me. What helped the most was when I stopped talking about it. I noticed the more I stopped talking about it, the less angry I got, the more I stopped caring. To the point that if she was talking about me like a dog in front of my face, I did not care. I pulled her aside and I told her that whatever animosity that I have toward her is squashed as of this moment, and all I'm trying to do is go to work and come home. I also said I'm not interested in events that happened in the past because I feel its no point in discussing them. She said that she did not want to have flashbacks of the last receptionist to which I replied, please do not compare me to her because I'm not her. And that was that.
My cousin and her boyfriend are officially engaged now. No comment. I don't really fool with them too much anymore since the fight. I figured seeing them on only a limited basis is best. And my cousin got the hint that I don't want anything to do with their outside people anymore (i.e. The boyfriend's friends, parents). I'm just happy I got my point across.
Loverboy is still loverboy. Don't really know what to say about that just yet.
Oh, and the love of acting is slowly but surely coming back. I guess it never really went away, I just needed a kick in the butt. There is plan that is slowly evolving, but there are some factors that need to fall into place, like hmmm.. a new job.
HBIC wanted to bury the hatchet with me. She pulled a friend of mine aside from next door and told her so. Don't get me wrong. This truce has nothing to do with me, it had everything to do with the image that we were portraying around the office. (I.e. The white people were getting a kick out of the two blck girls fighting). It bothered her, but not me. I have realized in my short time here that people have something to say about everything you do, from your clothes to your hair, to the car you drive, so just let them say it. I also got to the point where I stop letting her childish shenangians bothering me. What helped the most was when I stopped talking about it. I noticed the more I stopped talking about it, the less angry I got, the more I stopped caring. To the point that if she was talking about me like a dog in front of my face, I did not care. I pulled her aside and I told her that whatever animosity that I have toward her is squashed as of this moment, and all I'm trying to do is go to work and come home. I also said I'm not interested in events that happened in the past because I feel its no point in discussing them. She said that she did not want to have flashbacks of the last receptionist to which I replied, please do not compare me to her because I'm not her. And that was that.
My cousin and her boyfriend are officially engaged now. No comment. I don't really fool with them too much anymore since the fight. I figured seeing them on only a limited basis is best. And my cousin got the hint that I don't want anything to do with their outside people anymore (i.e. The boyfriend's friends, parents). I'm just happy I got my point across.
Loverboy is still loverboy. Don't really know what to say about that just yet.
Oh, and the love of acting is slowly but surely coming back. I guess it never really went away, I just needed a kick in the butt. There is plan that is slowly evolving, but there are some factors that need to fall into place, like hmmm.. a new job.
Friday, August 31, 2007
I forgot I wanted to be an actress
If Loverboy wasn't good looking, he would be a scrub. This is fact. Let me just get that off my chest.
By some miracle of the lord, I got the day off yesterday. I had nothing to do so Loverboy and I decided to eat lunch. I'm not going to go in the trifiling sequence of events that happened yesterday, but let's just say it led me to that first sentence that I wrote.
Anyhoo. One the stops that we made is that he wanted to go to the SAG (screen actors guild) building to get a new card. But didn't just want to go, he wanted to explore it. Rather he wanted me to freak out because its the sag building. Actual actors walk around in here and handle their business. It's nothing but offices. He had a fit, because I was completely unimpressed by it. He said you been out here how long and you haven't taken one single class or one headshot, you forgot why you moved out here in the first place. To which I replied that you manage to take headshots every time to you get a paycheck, but you're homeless. Even though the argument itself is stupid as fuck, I see his point.
If you read this regularly, you all very well know how many times I have been beaten down and not being able to afford to eat. I have been through drama supreme ever since I've been out here. Its going to be awhile before I'm able to go full throttle in my career mainly because of poor planning on my part. In summation, it kind of hit me that I need more time to handle myself before any kind of career mentally and financially.
I still want more than anything in the whole world to be an actress. But in spite of everything, I feel ten times smarter about it now than I ever did before. I guess a lot of this was learned by watching loverboy and his struggles. He auditions all the time, but never books. He puts every ounce of his livelihood into his auditions. Auditioning is part of an actors' job. That's what you do, audition. Not that he won't book, but I believe that a lot of these casting directors look for someone who could care less if a person gets a part or not. I mean if you were a boss, would you hire someone who begged for a job? No, you would be suspect about said person wouldn't you? Whenever I hired a person on my last job who begged for it, they flaked out on me within the first month, or they act liked they owned the place when they got there. Because people don't beg really when they want a specific thing, they beg when they want anything. And I think that's the secret.
By some miracle of the lord, I got the day off yesterday. I had nothing to do so Loverboy and I decided to eat lunch. I'm not going to go in the trifiling sequence of events that happened yesterday, but let's just say it led me to that first sentence that I wrote.
Anyhoo. One the stops that we made is that he wanted to go to the SAG (screen actors guild) building to get a new card. But didn't just want to go, he wanted to explore it. Rather he wanted me to freak out because its the sag building. Actual actors walk around in here and handle their business. It's nothing but offices. He had a fit, because I was completely unimpressed by it. He said you been out here how long and you haven't taken one single class or one headshot, you forgot why you moved out here in the first place. To which I replied that you manage to take headshots every time to you get a paycheck, but you're homeless. Even though the argument itself is stupid as fuck, I see his point.
If you read this regularly, you all very well know how many times I have been beaten down and not being able to afford to eat. I have been through drama supreme ever since I've been out here. Its going to be awhile before I'm able to go full throttle in my career mainly because of poor planning on my part. In summation, it kind of hit me that I need more time to handle myself before any kind of career mentally and financially.
I still want more than anything in the whole world to be an actress. But in spite of everything, I feel ten times smarter about it now than I ever did before. I guess a lot of this was learned by watching loverboy and his struggles. He auditions all the time, but never books. He puts every ounce of his livelihood into his auditions. Auditioning is part of an actors' job. That's what you do, audition. Not that he won't book, but I believe that a lot of these casting directors look for someone who could care less if a person gets a part or not. I mean if you were a boss, would you hire someone who begged for a job? No, you would be suspect about said person wouldn't you? Whenever I hired a person on my last job who begged for it, they flaked out on me within the first month, or they act liked they owned the place when they got there. Because people don't beg really when they want a specific thing, they beg when they want anything. And I think that's the secret.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The Pick-up Artist
Anybody ever watch that show "The Pick-up Artist" on VH-1?
Very telling as to how fucked up women are in the sense that, when a man is practically begging to worship the ground they walk on, and they throw them away like its nothing. We are not attracted to that at all, at least most women aren't, and the leftover are constantly bitching about how we can't get a man.
There is a guy that works here. He's a temp, and basically an office bitch. He's asked me out numerous times, comes out from his desk every time he sees me, and changed his lunch schedule so he can eat with me.
The problems? He talks too much. I mean too fucking much, one of my big pet peeves. So much to the point where the last two mornings in a row, I had to find creative "nice" ways to tell him to shut up. Two, he's broke. I'm completely unmaterialistic, but I'm broke too. Two broke people does not a good relationship make. Even if we dated, we'll spend the whole time either talking about how broke we are, and ask to me to chip in for the date. Yes, that has happened to me before. Couple of times.
And you know what completely killed it for me? I was in the kitchen yesterday making coffee and he handed me his phone number on a piece of paper. Just here call me. Didn't even give me the time to wonder if I want it or not. Like seriously, whatever curiosity that I may have had about him just died right there. To be brutally honest, it just seemed desperate. I'm trying to change my whole way of thinking when it comes to dating, because of the lack of success I had in the past, but almost like the flaws become so overwhelming that I don't want to be bothered.
But yet I'm madly in love with most narcissistic, emotionally unavailable person on earth.
I was watching the pick-up artist yesterday, and their whole method of teaching has a lot to do with the fact that when you first meet a women you're whole persona should sort of say to the woman that you're not really interested in them. That you're here to have a good time, and if you meet a woman then whatever. The minute that the man or his body language gives away that they have zeroed in on their target, then we're done. We're not interested. In other words, we like the chase just as much as men.
I think about the men I have yearned for in the past, and with the exception of the fluke that was my ex-boyfriend, every single last one was emotionally unavailable. The entire time I messed with them, I had absolutely no earthly idea if they were into me or not. Loverboy is no different, he flings that yo-yo and snatches it right back up and holds it. 5 years running now.
I know it has something to do with being scared of relationships. I am deathly afraid of them, no lie. It has everything to with my parents fucked up relationship growing up, my cousin and her ticking time-bomb boyfriend now, and the awareness of my codependency and how it will play a part in my relationship.
For these reasons, and several others, I am cool by myself for now.
Very telling as to how fucked up women are in the sense that, when a man is practically begging to worship the ground they walk on, and they throw them away like its nothing. We are not attracted to that at all, at least most women aren't, and the leftover are constantly bitching about how we can't get a man.
There is a guy that works here. He's a temp, and basically an office bitch. He's asked me out numerous times, comes out from his desk every time he sees me, and changed his lunch schedule so he can eat with me.
The problems? He talks too much. I mean too fucking much, one of my big pet peeves. So much to the point where the last two mornings in a row, I had to find creative "nice" ways to tell him to shut up. Two, he's broke. I'm completely unmaterialistic, but I'm broke too. Two broke people does not a good relationship make. Even if we dated, we'll spend the whole time either talking about how broke we are, and ask to me to chip in for the date. Yes, that has happened to me before. Couple of times.
And you know what completely killed it for me? I was in the kitchen yesterday making coffee and he handed me his phone number on a piece of paper. Just here call me. Didn't even give me the time to wonder if I want it or not. Like seriously, whatever curiosity that I may have had about him just died right there. To be brutally honest, it just seemed desperate. I'm trying to change my whole way of thinking when it comes to dating, because of the lack of success I had in the past, but almost like the flaws become so overwhelming that I don't want to be bothered.
But yet I'm madly in love with most narcissistic, emotionally unavailable person on earth.
I was watching the pick-up artist yesterday, and their whole method of teaching has a lot to do with the fact that when you first meet a women you're whole persona should sort of say to the woman that you're not really interested in them. That you're here to have a good time, and if you meet a woman then whatever. The minute that the man or his body language gives away that they have zeroed in on their target, then we're done. We're not interested. In other words, we like the chase just as much as men.
I think about the men I have yearned for in the past, and with the exception of the fluke that was my ex-boyfriend, every single last one was emotionally unavailable. The entire time I messed with them, I had absolutely no earthly idea if they were into me or not. Loverboy is no different, he flings that yo-yo and snatches it right back up and holds it. 5 years running now.
I know it has something to do with being scared of relationships. I am deathly afraid of them, no lie. It has everything to with my parents fucked up relationship growing up, my cousin and her ticking time-bomb boyfriend now, and the awareness of my codependency and how it will play a part in my relationship.
For these reasons, and several others, I am cool by myself for now.
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