I hate streams of consciousness...

It seems like all I freaking talk about lately are sex, boys, and my weight. I'm so fucking vein. But sadly, the world makes you that way.

So I realized yesterday, that I have a problem. I don't know the exact clinical diagnosis for someone who is always on a diet, but in reality they don't need to be. In don't want to say I have an eating disorder because that's not true. I eats plenty. But, I am always on a quest to get skinnier. I also know that something is wrong with me because not only am I not fat now, I probably never will be. Its in my genes to be thick, I will always be that way, but no one in my family is obese, not even close. I wasn't even a fat child, in fact, with the exception of the some depression weight loss as result of two broken relationships, I have always been around the same size. So why do I keep freaking out about it? I am an actress and how we look is important to us, but dang, I can worry about this crap when Warner Bros. studios picks the bill for my nutritionist and personal trainer that will be included into my contract.

I think my problem really came to fruition today because I'm doing weight watchers. The pants I am wearing are a SIZE 8, and I'M DOING WEIGHT WATCHERS! What the hell is wrong with me. Yes, I have self-esteem issues, but that's boring to talk about. Yes, I am self-conscious about my big booty, but I like having a butt, I want to have a butt, just not the tip drill that I have now.

I'm not crazy, I don't want to look like this:


.



That's disgusting by the way, I don't see how white girls strive to look like that.

But you would think by the way I act, maybe subconsciously I want to be a walking stick.

Television like to drill into us that being fat is ugly, and being fat will make you unhappy, and you always have the consummate talk show guest who loves to start crying about when she was fat, she wanted to cement herself into a brick wall because she was so big and unhappy. In reality, aren't the fat people that you know some of the happiest mother fuckers on this earth? Even on these talk shows, even though they are crying reliving their pain, they have a spouse/boyfriends/girlfriend right by their side saying that they would have killed themselves if they weren't there. I don't have that. I've never had that. In fact, last summer when I did gain about 10 pounds, I never remember saying to myself, "damn, I fat". I actually remember saying, "hmph, I'm getting kind of thick, that's cool as long as its my butt. That's kind of cute". I made an excuse for my fatness!!! I believe that's the secret to a happy life, get fat. Last summer, I swear I could not walk down the street unless I felt someone boring their eyes into my ass, come to think about the only reason that I did lose the weight is because my parents made fun of me really bad.

See, this is what happens when you're skinny, you become a narcissistic, neurotic mess.

I know, I know, I should be happy with what God gave me, and I am completely, but he also wants us to be the best person that we can possibly be and that best me is ten to fifteen pounds lighter.