Oh no....

So the vicious cycle begins again. 5 and a half years running now. Same thing happened when we lived together earlier this year.

I hate him and myself for about a month for being so stupid for getting involved with this asshole. I cry to my friends, I cry in my sleep, and I have days that I just can't even work.

Then magically it disappears. I don't know if its because I start feeling better about myself, then start feeling better about my situation, or if I'm just a glutton for punishment, but I start getting infatuated again.

This time its a little different, we live together now, so a) My stupidity will be rubbed immediately in my face and b)it will be harder to avoid the situation at hand.

When you love someone, you don't just stop loving them. Its a fight. You have to constantly fight yourself and your feelings so you can move on. Its a battle that I have admittedly gotten a little cocky about over the last couple of days, but then comes this part, the part I forgot about...the relapse.

Didn't sleep with him, not a moron. That's a whole can of worms I would be opening up. But I wanted to. Why? Don't know. He's working his regular job again, and he's having stress, and trouble like a regular human being, and for the moment he's being reasonable, and seems truly sorry for blowing up at me last week. No women, at least in the house, for about 2 weeks now. In other words, he's being normal...for the time being. And its sweet. And I'm a fucking idiot.

Getting out of the lease can happen, but we'll lose a lot of money on the deposit, it looks like more and more that I will have to suck this up for another year. I've been strong so far.

Keep you posted.

Need Jesus.

So the Loverboy situation is worse than I thought.. And here is my state of mind right now. Here's a copy of the email I wrote to my best friend. I think it pretty much explains everything.

"Mike had another girl over last night. One just left Sunday night. After realizing that this is going to be a more regular occurence than I originally thought, I realized how much of an idiot I was. I realized that I've spent the last 5+ years of my life literally obseesed with this dude for absoultely no reason at all. All I've done is ignored it, suppressed it, and made excuses for it. And to think about that along with the daily train of females running in out of the house makes me sick. Also, the most startling realization was also that, that was me. I was one of those females, and I subconciously kept believing that I was the only one.
This is hard situation to deal with because he never promised me anything as far as a relationship, not even dating. So its really not fair to blame him.
This morning was hard. I haven't slept in about 2 days and I cannot stop crying because I blame myself for being so fucking stupid. Everything you have said about me making myself indespesable is absolutely correct. I'm trying to get through my days, but I know now I'm not going to magically stop hurting overnight. I'm trying though."

I'll be honest here and say I moved in with him for selfish reasons, and its totally kicking me in the ass now. I shouldn't have done it. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I should actually voice these concerns out loud, but I really don't know what do.

Any thoughts.

Kimmy

More Sorry....

I need internet at home!! I'll address a few topics really quickly and elaborate as needed at a later time.

1. Yes, loverboy and I are roomates. He's already brought a girl over, and I believe there is one coming over for the weekend. I'm dealing.

2. I'm really, really ready to move on. That's why I wanted to move in with him in the first place, so I can do so.

3. New job, so far is very quiet and calm. This is the first time ever that my worklife is calm, and my home life is chaotic.

4. Don't know if we'll be able to pay the rent this weekend. Hmmm.

5. Skin is 1000x times better.

6. Even though I left the bank, I came out of it with some new actual friends. That's a cool thing.

7. I believe I have an eating disorder. Just a tiny one.

8. I'm a lot more mellow now, having my own place and all. Still anxious, but I don't want to kill myself anymore from the stress.

9. As far as my roomate situation, I'm doing it for a reason, so I'll just pray, and things will come what may.

10. HBIC has not stopped talking about me since I left the house of Satan. I believe she was falling in love with me...

Miss you all!!

So, so, sorry..

Drama, drama, drama. Still in the thick of it.
To be continued...

WTF is wrong with me?

I've seriously felt like a crazy person for the last 4 or 5 days. I've been way more smart ass than usual. Very short tempered. Somewhat rude. Hardly any appetite. Just nuts.

I've narrowing it down to these reasons:
I'm not pregnant.Can't be. Let's move on.

Stress. The Loverboy apartment thing is really taking its toll on me mentally. I can't quite figure out why. Could it be I've been madly in love with this boy for 5 or 6 years, we're moving in together and its not romantically. Plus, there is this great apartment we're in the running for, and he's out of town still. Not his fault, family issues. But still just really bad timing. He doesn't even have internet access, so he can't fill out the rental information. I have to do it. Just like I have to do everything, lately.

I have to do everything. This is what happens when you're single in a big city. You have to handle your own business all the time. I mean all the time. With no partner. And its exhausting. This is the only time I really miss having a boyfriend. When there is no one there to pick out the apartment, chase down apartment managers, in between doing things like finding time to do laundry, do grocery shopping, cooking dinner, all in between a day off here and there with two jobs. And there's no one at home to offer to rub your feet, sit with ask how your day was. Just an empty house with no cable. I'm starting to cry as I write this so I think I hit a nerve somewhere.

Men So I met this guy who works at my store. He's new. He's a model/actor which is fine. Cute. He opened his mouth and completely turned me off. He was nice enough, seemed to be mentally competent and I believe he was in my age range. But he actually opened his mouth and said he only took this job so he can hang out with his friends, and he could give a shit about doing any work. His "friend" who works there is the biggest lazy bullshitter on the planet. So I turned and walked the other way when he wasn't looking. Between this one, and the guy who works at my job who cannot stop talking. I really can't help but to think I'm being to judgemental about guys. I can't even let myself try to lie someone anymore. I just don't trust it.

I don't know, I'm just so over everything. Just over it. Like I said in a previous post, I've never worked so hard in my life as I have here. I've gotten some happy breaks, thank god, and I am happy about them. But my extreme lack of personal life is really taking its toll.

The last days of the House of Satan

7 days and counting, then I get to bust out of hell. It doesn't seem real to tell you the truth. I got my offer letter for my new job in the mail yesterday and it kind of made it more real.

I'm trying to shake that feeling that I'm done, that I made it, that I'm finished. I have a strong sense of accomplishment right now, but truth be told I have a very long way to go. I bitched and bitched until I couldn't bitch anymore, but of course, as always, God puts you through things for a reason. Almost every circumstance to this point, the poverty, the anger, the living situation, the extreme fatigue, got me to finally believe I was better than my situation, and to continue to strive for what I feel I deserve.


The highlights:

-Dealing with the HBIC everyday, really hammered home the point that everyone that is not going to like me, for whatever reason and that's okay. I have me, and I would totally hang out with me. I seriously could give a shit what other people think about me anymore. I needed that.

-Since I was sitting here all day just answering phones, I got to read a lot (and I mean a lot), especially a lot of self-help books that gave me fantastic tips on how to change my mindset in order to achieve success.
(My favorite? Think and Grow Rich: A Black Choice by Dennis Kimbro. Great for all groups, not just blacks. I'm re-reading it now.)

-I get to work at the Grove, I used to read about it all day every day at my old job, now I work there. Its a pretty fascinating place, not necessarily the celebrity aspect, but the people watching aspect. I love that there are so many kinds of people who pass through. Something I'm not used to living in the country for so long.

-I learned the power personal affirmations. My therapist told me say them and I never did because I thought it was stupid. That shit works. Like gangbusters. I don't even use them that much anymore, because I don't want to lessen their power. I just kind of keep them in my arsenal.

-I lost a ton of weight because of the stress and I'm going to try my super damnest to keep it off.

As far as having the long way to go:

-There is that small acting career that I kind of moved out here for. I'm auditing classes, but since I've been in extreme survival mode, the passion has waned somewhat. There are a whole bunch of actors who work at my part time job, as well as come in to shop and to be honest, I'm still working there to keep my passion alive.

-My skin has suffered. No sleep and no eating has taken its toll.Its going through a transition period right now. But it hurts to talk about. We'll move on.

-I'm tired. All the time. I've never worked so hard in my life, mentally and physically as I have in the last 7 months. I sort of feel like, since I'm making more money now, I can relax a little. But I can't. I just can't.

Guess what....

I got an offer from an lawfirm that I interviewed with a month ago. I get to bust out of hell in two weeks.

Honestly, I'm happy yet I'm torn. Truth is I'm happy because I get to tell the house of satan fuck you about 2 months ahead of schedule. Sad, because since I'm so broke I have to push back my acting career on the backburner yet again.

Its bittersweet. Love that I have a real job. I can't do anything right now anyway, I have no headshots, no classes, nothing. That is going to take a while. Now I have to start from scratch and I can't do anything anyway. And I need the money. and the money is decent. I can sort of build up the nest egg. And I get to tell the bank fuck you, did I mention that already?

What do you all think?

Reflections......

Yes, I'm still in the house of satan. But I hope to bust out soon. I am sure I will be gone before the end of this year. But it still sucks.

I go to audit my first acting class tonight. I am terrified. Really nervous. I am aware its just an audit, I am just going to look at a class, but this is the first actual step that I have put towards my acting career in hmmm. About 1 and 3/4 years? Not counting moving across the country to pursue it of course. It so weird because this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. What I was born to do. And just actually being within an actual class with other actors working in the business is just unreal to me. I can't wrap my brain around it.

Oh yeah, I am moving into an apartment in less than a month. And as of now, yes I am moving in with Loverboy. I am in extremely, extremely deep denial. Because A) I haven't had my own place in a over a year, and B) Here you can't just move into a place, and say "do, do, do. I don't like it. I'm moving out blah, blah." Its such a huge committment as well as so much money that if you screw up something such as the location, or misreading something on the lease. You're fucked. For a while.

Also, adding to the terrifying aspect I am moving in with Loverboy. When I moved out here, my selfish mind would always hope we'd get closer, but moving in together? I didn't really see that happening. Its still strictly on a friendship level of couse. But I don't know. I have always been the type as to when I'm at home, I'm at home, I'm in my room, eating, watching my cable, leave me the fuck alone. Plus, he's nuts so he can't stay in the house. So as far as conflicts, I'm going to try to avoid it as much as possible. Just knowing I'm going to have my own space in california, another thing I can't really wrap my brain around.

These last seven months have been so trying for me, to say the least. It's still difficult. It feels like seven years. And sadly, I have it good compared to some people. But like the pastor said in church, God puts you through storms to mold you into a better person, and he give you the light when he feels you can truly appreciate it and he's damn sure done that for me. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard. Let's just say, I'm necessarily a completely different person persay, but I look at my attitude no compared to when I first got here seven months ago and I don't know who the fuck that person is.

I Never Meet Guys

Alright, so here's my annual bitch session about never having a boyfriend, taking on a new form.

You ever hear this before,
"Oh, I met this guy last night..."
"Oh, I was at the grocery store, and I met this guy..."
"Oh, I was out last night and I met this guy...."

Okay, I have never ever said that. Okay, I have said that, but I say that maybe once every hmm... 3 to 4 years? I don't understand how women even do it.

So I've been in LA for roughly seven months now, and this city is the relationship capital of the world. Especially working the mall where I work, I see couples coming in holding hands, the boyfriends dilligently waiting while the girlfriends try on clothes, and in some gross instances couples full on making out and groping each other in the middle of the store. Everyone is in a relationship here. Not that I'm bitter, just an observation.

Here's a startling admission. I really have no idea how to meet guys. At all. I know you're saying, "Oh its easy, you have a personality just go up and talk to them". Well, to be honest, I believe that hinders me better than helps me.

To clarify the previous statement, my friend Addam told me last year something that I resented very much at the time. He said, "I can see why someone like (insert random name here) has a boyfriend, because she's easy. She just is. You're not."

"What are trying to say Addam, am I too complex?"

"Not really complex persay, its just too much."

"What are trying to say, difficult? too smart? too neurotic, what?"

"Put it like this, no dude really wants to deal with all that."

Sadly, as retarded as this all sounds. I completely understand what he meant. And even more sadly, he's absolutely right. Right now, at this moment, I don't feel like I can be with anyone. Even the random occurences when I do meet a guy, and even more random when I meet one I actually like, its like when I open my mouth, its over.

Living here also, its also a hinderence the way I look. As I mentioned in earlier posts, the men are not too fond of the average sized full blooded black women here. And I'm about as average looking black woman as you can get. So unless he's a old non-English speaking Mexican man, or a really old white man with a slave fetish. I'm pretty much screwed.

My New Plan

It had to come to me, and it did so this is what I'm going to do.
I have some money, (this is why God told me to stay at the University for 5 years, sick time check, and retirement fund) its not a whole lot but enough to get me thinking. If I'm not gone from here by the time I move which is November, I'm putting in the two weeks. I'm really unhappy. I can't do anything, i'm totally trapped. I can't just leave when I need to in order to a i.e. look for a job I want, or pursue any sort of acting interest. This is why I moved here, and I think God giving me that money is trying to tell me something.

I'm not going to be rash, because its hard to find a job here. But your thoughts are a little clearer, when you have just a tad more financial stability.

Please give your thoughts.

Dealing with the drama...

Okay, so no new job prospects as of yet. Had an interview on Weds., but you know how employers are this day in age, i.e. "Oh, we liked her but there was another candidate who was taller than her who can reach shelves, so we're going to go with her." Oh, and also, my boss put a bullet in another internal interview I had here, because she felt that "one of her people" was getting stolen. I'm in hell.

HBIC wanted to bury the hatchet with me. She pulled a friend of mine aside from next door and told her so. Don't get me wrong. This truce has nothing to do with me, it had everything to do with the image that we were portraying around the office. (I.e. The white people were getting a kick out of the two blck girls fighting). It bothered her, but not me. I have realized in my short time here that people have something to say about everything you do, from your clothes to your hair, to the car you drive, so just let them say it. I also got to the point where I stop letting her childish shenangians bothering me. What helped the most was when I stopped talking about it. I noticed the more I stopped talking about it, the less angry I got, the more I stopped caring. To the point that if she was talking about me like a dog in front of my face, I did not care. I pulled her aside and I told her that whatever animosity that I have toward her is squashed as of this moment, and all I'm trying to do is go to work and come home. I also said I'm not interested in events that happened in the past because I feel its no point in discussing them. She said that she did not want to have flashbacks of the last receptionist to which I replied, please do not compare me to her because I'm not her. And that was that.

My cousin and her boyfriend are officially engaged now. No comment. I don't really fool with them too much anymore since the fight. I figured seeing them on only a limited basis is best. And my cousin got the hint that I don't want anything to do with their outside people anymore (i.e. The boyfriend's friends, parents). I'm just happy I got my point across.

Loverboy is still loverboy. Don't really know what to say about that just yet.

Oh, and the love of acting is slowly but surely coming back. I guess it never really went away, I just needed a kick in the butt. There is plan that is slowly evolving, but there are some factors that need to fall into place, like hmmm.. a new job.

I forgot I wanted to be an actress

If Loverboy wasn't good looking, he would be a scrub. This is fact. Let me just get that off my chest.

By some miracle of the lord, I got the day off yesterday. I had nothing to do so Loverboy and I decided to eat lunch. I'm not going to go in the trifiling sequence of events that happened yesterday, but let's just say it led me to that first sentence that I wrote.

Anyhoo. One the stops that we made is that he wanted to go to the SAG (screen actors guild) building to get a new card. But didn't just want to go, he wanted to explore it. Rather he wanted me to freak out because its the sag building. Actual actors walk around in here and handle their business. It's nothing but offices. He had a fit, because I was completely unimpressed by it. He said you been out here how long and you haven't taken one single class or one headshot, you forgot why you moved out here in the first place. To which I replied that you manage to take headshots every time to you get a paycheck, but you're homeless. Even though the argument itself is stupid as fuck, I see his point.

If you read this regularly, you all very well know how many times I have been beaten down and not being able to afford to eat. I have been through drama supreme ever since I've been out here. Its going to be awhile before I'm able to go full throttle in my career mainly because of poor planning on my part. In summation, it kind of hit me that I need more time to handle myself before any kind of career mentally and financially.

I still want more than anything in the whole world to be an actress. But in spite of everything, I feel ten times smarter about it now than I ever did before. I guess a lot of this was learned by watching loverboy and his struggles. He auditions all the time, but never books. He puts every ounce of his livelihood into his auditions. Auditioning is part of an actors' job. That's what you do, audition. Not that he won't book, but I believe that a lot of these casting directors look for someone who could care less if a person gets a part or not. I mean if you were a boss, would you hire someone who begged for a job? No, you would be suspect about said person wouldn't you? Whenever I hired a person on my last job who begged for it, they flaked out on me within the first month, or they act liked they owned the place when they got there. Because people don't beg really when they want a specific thing, they beg when they want anything. And I think that's the secret.

The Pick-up Artist

Anybody ever watch that show "The Pick-up Artist" on VH-1?

Very telling as to how fucked up women are in the sense that, when a man is practically begging to worship the ground they walk on, and they throw them away like its nothing. We are not attracted to that at all, at least most women aren't, and the leftover are constantly bitching about how we can't get a man.

There is a guy that works here. He's a temp, and basically an office bitch. He's asked me out numerous times, comes out from his desk every time he sees me, and changed his lunch schedule so he can eat with me.

The problems? He talks too much. I mean too fucking much, one of my big pet peeves. So much to the point where the last two mornings in a row, I had to find creative "nice" ways to tell him to shut up. Two, he's broke. I'm completely unmaterialistic, but I'm broke too. Two broke people does not a good relationship make. Even if we dated, we'll spend the whole time either talking about how broke we are, and ask to me to chip in for the date. Yes, that has happened to me before. Couple of times.

And you know what completely killed it for me? I was in the kitchen yesterday making coffee and he handed me his phone number on a piece of paper. Just here call me. Didn't even give me the time to wonder if I want it or not. Like seriously, whatever curiosity that I may have had about him just died right there. To be brutally honest, it just seemed desperate. I'm trying to change my whole way of thinking when it comes to dating, because of the lack of success I had in the past, but almost like the flaws become so overwhelming that I don't want to be bothered.

But yet I'm madly in love with most narcissistic, emotionally unavailable person on earth.

I was watching the pick-up artist yesterday, and their whole method of teaching has a lot to do with the fact that when you first meet a women you're whole persona should sort of say to the woman that you're not really interested in them. That you're here to have a good time, and if you meet a woman then whatever. The minute that the man or his body language gives away that they have zeroed in on their target, then we're done. We're not interested. In other words, we like the chase just as much as men.

I think about the men I have yearned for in the past, and with the exception of the fluke that was my ex-boyfriend, every single last one was emotionally unavailable. The entire time I messed with them, I had absolutely no earthly idea if they were into me or not. Loverboy is no different, he flings that yo-yo and snatches it right back up and holds it. 5 years running now.

I know it has something to do with being scared of relationships. I am deathly afraid of them, no lie. It has everything to with my parents fucked up relationship growing up, my cousin and her ticking time-bomb boyfriend now, and the awareness of my codependency and how it will play a part in my relationship.

For these reasons, and several others, I am cool by myself for now.

Slowly creeping along....

I've taken severly pro-active steps to getting out of hell, so I guess that's a good thing. I am contact with two headhunters right now, so hopefully something will loom on the horizon soon.(We'll start calling the black executive assistant, HBIC for time purposes.)

HBIC has been nice to me for the past two days. Freakishly so. She offered me two of her old suits as a peace offering, WTF? I know, I think its a bunch of bull and it will only last like 2 days, but you know what? I'm so tired of being pissed off literrally every single day, that I surrender. My white flag is waved. I won't be here forever, so fuck it. It's too much work avoiding people, and being an asshole to prove a point, so I will do my best to make nice from here on out. That's not a promise, though.

My cousin and her boyfriend seem to be doing better. I'm not going to really comment on that anymore, because whatever. I have my own drama.

The financial situation is inching along nicely. The second job has helped out immensely, mentally and physically. Its nice to actually be around people who are going through sort of the same thing you are, and its also nice to have something else to concentate on after I have my hell days here. I find myself not thinking about them as much, thus removing myself from the situations more. If you want to get techinical, I have three jobs because I babysit for Loverboy's roomate a couple of times a week. I even bought new shoes yesterday (what?). Don't get me wrong, I'm no where close to having moving out money, but with the retirement check coming in whenever it comes. There is definately light at the end of the tunnel.

Loverboy and I have decided we will get an apartment together. Yes, techinically its a bad idea but financially it just makes sense. He had a roomate who had trouble paying bills before and is still in debt because he paid all of the utilites, so I know he won't screw me on money. In fact, I believe he'll try to over control it. Financially speaking, I do trust him. As far as the girls coming in and out of the house, that's a small price I'll have to pay for cheaper rent because here, it's no punk.

Tired of being sick and tired

I'm tired of bitching about my job. Tired. Over it. All this shit that I have been stressing over is so stupid. Just freaking dumb.

If I was running a multi-million dollar production company, do you think I really need to care if my workers think I'm nice?

Does Tyler Perry worry about people saying he's gay?

Does Oprah give two shits about 50 cent saying she acts white?

Has Cathy Hughes (owner of radio one) even a given second thought to people who berate her for not hooking them up with for a job?

Does Tyra Banks even care about the endless barrage of insults that she endures on a daily basis even though they're well deserved?

Has Bill Gates even thought about how stupid people thought he was when he left Harvard?

The answer is a resounding no. These people I'm sure get shit every single day on a much deeper level. Think about the people who have the endure this who have to feed their kids or take care of a sick parent. People just get shit. Most of the time its for the dumbest reasons you can think of. You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. The only thing you have control over is your attitude towards it.

Right now, I don't consider myself the most confident of people, but my self-esteem isn't circling the toilet like it was. Right now, a lot of people do not like me here. My attitude before was more angry. Because I'm not an ass-kisser, I just became hellbent on not becoming an ass-kisser resulting in bitching all the time about how I refuse to conform. It was a selfish attitude, because I worried about them just as much as they worried about me. Over stupid shit.

I also need to stop letting the attitudes of others influence me so much. I need to stop comparing my situation to the plight of other people, to make me feel better. Its almost if I can get other people to say such and such is crazy, then I'll feel better that I'm not. Just have an epiphany as to how stupid it all is, block that shit out, and keep it moving. I won't be here forever. I don't have to deal with these people in my personal life. There are some really nice people here despite all the crap. This shit is nothing. Treat it like its nothing.

Escape from Hades. The End is Nearer than I Thought.

This post is to let you all know, I'm about to be let go from the job.
No, I haven't done anything wrong. No, I didn't cuss anybody out. No, strangely I didn't do anything wrong to my knowledge. I stopped talking to the black executive assistant. I saw what kind of person she was and I cut that shit off quick. I don't kiss her ass, and basically she wants me gone. Isn't that sad? She told me today that everything I say to her, she would talk to my boss. AKA If you piss me off again, if you fuck up, I'll tell you're boss so you're getting fired. I had no idea I had that kind of control over people. I also I knew that this day would come so I will be temping again soon.

God gave me that job at J-Crew because he knew the end was near. He gave me insurance immediately because he knew I needed it. He knew. He also probably knows how freaking prideful I am, how I would never quit on my own accord I would just take it because I needed the money and damn my self esteem. I have been bitching about this job every chance I get and its been 5 months. When a job takes over your soul like this, time to go. Last time, I was fired from a job it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me. I didn't think that at the time, it was the end of the world, but it was the same exact situation. I was unemployed for 2 months and then I got the job at the University, after 6 years, I had to make myself leave it.

Thank God for my friends, my sister, and my father. God has put some truly wonderful people in my life because I have a few people to call when I need help, and boy have they helped. I just hope that I get into a good enough financial position soon where I can return the favor.

Tumultuous Weekend/Day 6-Escape from Hades

I apologize in advance for the length on this post, but in all fairness this shit has happened in a span of 5 days. Its no wonder I have lost 12 pounds, and still counting.

Well, this has indeed been an interesting weekend. Where do I start.

My godmother called to tell me that I am hanging out with my cousin too much and I need to get a life. She said that her boyfriend was going to try to sleep with me and it was going cause a bad situation. She also said that I need to stop turning against my family. It was like my mother was speaking through a ventriloquist's dummy. That was Wednesday.

I called in sick on Thursday so I can go to orientation for Jcrew. I actually was very nervous because I never called in sick before, never had to. I just never had a job where I had to fake sick to get off for something. Its right across the street and if someone happened to be over on their lunch break and they spotted me, my ass was gone. So I wore a hat and sunglasses when I was walking in. Well worth the lie though, for a part time job in a mall, its 10.50 an hour plus benefits, the discount is unreal,after sixty days I get $200 worth of free merchandise, and I love the clothes. Am thinking seriously about quitting here to work full time there. That was Thursday.

I don't remember if I have spoken about the black executive assistant here who I couldn't figure out if I can stand or not. Well, long story short, she asked me to do to call her about something, I got busy doing something else to the point where I couldn't, she got an attitude, I got one right back, so she calls herself giving me the silent treatment. I had trouble figuring out whether I liked her or not anyway, because whenever we were "cool", when she did talk to me, it was always about her, her hair, her 40,000 car, her men, all about her. And you all know, if its one thing I cannot stand its a fucking self-involved attention whore. I guess this means good riddence. That was Friday.

I was over my cousin and her boyfriend's house this past weekend, like I am every weekend. I literally went outside to get groceries, when I came back the police we're there. In a nutshell, and I'm not making this up, my cousin answered his work cell phone because it wouldn't stop ringing, so it might have been an emergency. She told him this very fact, and he went ballistic. To the point where she called 911 on him. I was watching her daughter, trying to get outside to get out all the drama, when he calls me into the room. My cousin has taken his car keys and his ATM card because she doesn't want him to leave. He wants me to get them back. I try to leave, he closes the door. I am scared for her at this point because I know from experience when somebody is that crazy, there is nothing you can do, so I beg her to give him his keys so he can get the fuck out. Her name is on his car, so she refuses. He asks me to drive him to a motel. Keep in mind there is a 3-year child in the next room, who I am trying to keep out of this. I drive him to a hotel. Nothing happens, he is actually very considerate towards me the whole time. My cousin is a wreck, and I took care of her the rest of the weekend. That was Saturday.

Went to church, it was great. Realized that a lot of things in my life sort of slid downwards when I stopped going to church. My poor cousin, it was like the pastor was speaking to her. She is being strong, I offered to leave early, so she can have time to herself. That was Sunday.

Final thoughts? The boyfriend is unstable as hell. Not this first time he's gone off that way. It's easy to just say that I see it because I'm around so much, but the first time I ever met him, and came to visit them when they used to live in Indiana, he blew up like that. Its always over something trivial, always. Its easy to say I'm leaving when you don't have any kids together, but when you do and they actually love their father, its harder to say peace out. He's not going anywhere. I love my cousin dearly, she's the sweetest person in the world, but there is no way in hell I would be with someone who gets angry like that out of nowhere.

As far as the job stuff? I am praying for a better one as we speak. Even though I'm just a receptionist, the corporate world is not for me. I loathe it, and I feel in my gut the end is near whether I want it to be or not.

God this is long. I am so sorry.

Day 1 -- The Escape from Hades

I actually got to go home this weekend, thank god. It was great. I realize now exactly why it took me so long to leave in the first place. Because its easy. It's so easy.

Addam and I had this discussion when I went home. We're losers. I always talked about other people like dogs when I went home, how much of a loser they are and how they aren't doing anything with their lives. Without realizing all this time, that was me as well. I became a loser while I was there. Charging up credit cards, eating out 2 or 3 times a day, wearing literally nothing but khaki's, polo's, and flip flops every day, and not putting forth any effort whatsoever to become an adult. I kicked it for 6 years. And that's all that mattered.

Yeah, I hated it and I wanted to leave, but in retrospect I really didn't hate it all. I just hated myself for getting so damn complacent. Two bedroom apt. souped up cable, paid for car. Allowed myself to accept mediocrty from myself and others around me. Didn't want to leave. Why should I? I honestly could have lived like that for at least another 2 or 3 years.

The circumstances surrounding this trip were in turmoil becaus I had applied for a loan processor job here in the house of satan. I only did it for money, I had been here for a couple of months, I showed up on time everyday, I knew the job was trainable, and I already knew everyone. I thought what the harm? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Apparently they don't like me back there, they really have no reason to since I don't talk to them really, therein lying the problem i.e. I'm not one of them. The manager of the department is hmm...not my cup of tea. He's one of those boss types who likes to pretend that he's a nice person, make lame jokes with people and shit, but in reality is a huge asshole. For me, if you're going to be an asshole, be an asshole. At least, I'll have a chance to get used to it. He told me during an interview, that he didn't care if I was a superstar, no matter how well I did my job,if I didn't fit in then I wouldn't last very long.And I need to dress older. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of my time here in the Satan house. Life has been hell here ever since. If I got that job, I couldn't go home for Daddy's reunion, and I called him crying when I told him. I've never not wanted a job so bad in my whole life. I prayed that it wasn't offered to me so I can get to go home, because it killed me to let my father down. God is always right on time.

Also, I got a part-time job that I so desperately need, but thanks to the asshole people nature of LA, the HR manager refuses to do orientation on the weekends or during evening hours so I have to call in on Thurs. (convincigly) so I can go to work at my other job.

So what's my plan of action? The financial situation is still bleak, but depending on how this week goes, there will be relief soon. With some extra income coming in, I should be out of the room for rent in about 2 - 3 months. Having my own place with cable tv, even if its a shack, would make a huge difference. And I have some tricks up my sleeves for busting out of hell too.

Keep you posted.

More mis-adventures at the club

So yes, here's another episode of my mis-adventures at to the club. For you few who have not read my musings before, I hate going to the club. But at the same time, I'm fascinated because its something new every single time I go.

I went to the club in Long Beach with my cousin, her boyfriend, his best friend and his wife. The boyfriend's BFF and his wife got into a huge argument while waiting for us and there was tension between them all night. My cousin got upset that some girl was sexy dancing in front of her man, and kept sitting next to him accidently, so she proceeded to slob him down in front of him and almost got into a fight with the girl. Which further supports my theory as to why couples should not go to the club together, it's asking for trouble.

The music was boring, there were all old people there, and there were absolutely no single attractive men under the age of 40. I take that back, no single attractive men at all.

Here's an interesting tidbit. Not a single black male approached me all night, not one. Not unusual for LA, they don't like us here. The random drunk person who decides I'm the one for him and decides to fixate on me all night was white (ghetto white boy), said that he was here with 4 black guys and they all refuse to mess with black girls. Too much drama, he says. Its weird. Keep in mind there are these are not the creme de la creme of black men, their old, overweight, wearing T-shirts and air force ones to the club, they avoided, me, my cousin, and the wife like the plague, and we were sitting by ourselves the whole night. It sucked.

And I am no longer in the wedding that I promised to be in, thank God. Long stupid ass story short, the bride's sister aka maid of honor tried very poorly to hit on my cousin's boyfriend (and yes, she knew they were together) thus her not being in the wedding and me following suit. Tried to get my deposit back on my bridesmaid's dress, manger saying no refunds on deposits, leading to the ugliest cuss that I have unloaded on a person in a very long time.

I'm over Loverboy, said it before I didn't believe myself until now. Without going into ugly ass detail, he basically proved point blank that he wants nothing to do with me romantically, and I am suprisingly okay. Like really okay.

And this now is going to be my solemn vow, I will never, ever, ever do something, in my gut that feels wrong ever, ever, again.

Weirdo

So I've come to this conclusion recently. Yes, I'm a weirdo. I've actually come to terms with it. Most people who come into contact with me are going to think I am weird. It's okay. The reason I have recently accepted this is because I have moved to another state, started over with different people, and I have still gotten the label that has plagued me ever since grammar school. Weirdo....

Let me clarify this first of all, I don't think I'm weird. At all. My best friend since high school does not understand why people who went to school with us have always thought I was weird. My cousin who has known me my entire life, says I've always been weird. But she has always known it and accepted it. Most of my friends who I have met later in life are gay men, most people would probably think think that's weird. But I don't, I think its just fine.

In light of recent events, most people are stupid. All of you all probably have figured this out already. This is just my first time actually saying it out loud. Thank the lord, I have gone through enough crap in my life to not be like this. They're very banal, revolve their lives around the dumbest shit, and can pontificate for the longest amount of time about events that I didn't know you can describe for more that two sentences.

For the record here's a short list of why people think I'm weird,
(For lengths sake, I'll keep the explanations to a minimum)

1. I'm quiet.-Some people just don't talk a lot. I'm one of those people. Mostly I don't talk about myself very much. I didn't know you were supposed to.

2.I don't react to people.-I swear, you can sit there and tell me what you may think is the funniest joke in the whole world, if I don't think its funny I will look at you with straight stoneface and not even fake laugh. I think it pisses people off that they can't really get a read on me.

3.I don't talk about myself-Most of the time, with most people, I can't get a word in edgewise. I just think facets of your personality are something your friends or people who want to get to know you should discover on their own, not something you should blab about nonstop.

4.I'm smart-Upon meeting me for the first time, you'd probably think I was dumb, because I don't go around advertising it like some folks. Sometimes I see it as a character flaw, because I don't strive to work for Microsoft or something. But it's given me shit my whole life.

5.I'm self-aware-The gay boy(I promise to write about that one day) breaking up with me 5 years ago ended up being probably the best thing that ever happened to me because I sure as hell wouldn't be the person writing this blog. I don't care whether you're friends with me or not, I'm totally okay with being by myself. For example, the new season of Psych starts tonight on USA and the only way I'll miss that is if I see Harry Potter. That makes me glow.

Honorable mention: I like Harry Potter, would never date a thug, can talk for hours on end about acne and Shia Labeouf, don't even get me started on the movie dorkiness I can discuss them all the way down to art direction and plot holes.

Does all this seem weird to you?

The House of Satan

*stupid blogger won't let me write a title*
So I am currently working in Satan's house, its official. It's the house of Satan. Evil dwells in the house. I am really stressed out. Plus, this job is not doing anything to relieve my financial status; which means no fall acting classes. My hair is breaking, I'm sick. Something's gotta give.

Pros:
I've been writing a lot. I've been reading a lot. I'm learing a lot about the way the world really works. How devious and fake people really are. My interest in trying to conquer the corporate world has completely waned. It's all about being an actress for sure.

It also pretty much saves your life to have something that you're passionate about, otherwise these jobs will get to you. When these people raise their noses at me, the first thing I think is, "What do you clear maybe 80 - 85 a year? Chump change. You can go ahead and hide behind your desks if you want, You have no idea how much richer I'm going to be than you one day. Richer than everyone in this bank combined." And I feel better, because I know it's true.

Success takes a lot of hard work. Duh, right. But you don't know unless you actually start experiencing all the bullshit you go through to start living your dream. I still don't know what possesses me to do this. Most people who make that kind of money independently, work hard. Really hard. That's what I'm trying to do.

Cons:
People suck. I'm so anti-social its not even funny. I applied for another position here, for more money, of course and the managers of that particular department told me to my face, that I dress to young, and no matter how hard I worked, I would never fit in. A little inappopriate during an interview don't you think? God, forbid that they hire me because I'm qualified for the job, but because I don't go around laughing at jokes that at stuffy old man jokes that aren't funny nor do I fake laugh, I don't fit in. Jesus, help everyone that I come on time and do whatever is asked of me. Just ri-damn-diculous.

I'm still in credit card hell, but I'm managing. I realize that this job as well as my living situation are a means to an end, and its this trouble is just temporary. It's not forever. Just until I get on my feet.

Everyone begin praying in unison that I get a better paying job soon, so I can get out of the seventh circle of hell.

The journey lives on...

Excuse the babbling, its been a journey here so far. One that hasn't let up yet.

Let’s start today out on a highly superficial note. I have given up sugar completely. I am a sweets addict. I don’t what it is about this polluted LA water but it has wrecked havoc on my skin. And I don’t know why, but every time I even look at sugar now, my skin erupts into this pimple filled volcano. I even started using proactive and it made it worse. Its looks like it’s trying to do something to improve now, but still it was touch and go there for a minute, and yes, my vanity is completely out of control.

I had a fun weekend. I needed this weekend. Last week was rough, in fact this whole depression period has been rough, but I actually did things to keep myself occupied that didn’t include charging my credit card with clothes I don’t need to fill that void in my life. It felt good. I'm going to start doing that from now on.

This weekend, I went to a water park for the first time, which meant I had to wear a swimsuit in public for the first time. I was terrified. But you know what, have you ever been to the beach? Nobody, and I mean hardly anybody is in shape. They go out there, they put on that swimsuit or two-piece, cellulite ridden or gut be damned, and they go swimming. After a while, even though I felt like I was walking around in my underwear, I didn’t care.

I don’t want to speak to soon, but Loverboy seems to have done a complete turnaround these last couple of weeks. Once again, I don’t want to speak to soon, but he’s actually very sweet. He’s not just having a sweet moment. He’s has his issues, just like myself, but he’s dearly sweet person, whose trying very hard to get himself through a rough time and I am glad that God put him in my life.

A Quick Note

Wanted to make the announcement that I have started working on my first short film. I actually started writing it, still have to do the research on financing and such. But I actually came up with a concept to say the least.

In other news, I'm still to broke to buy lemons from the farmers' market.

It's official. I'm miserable

So truth be told, I am unbelievably depressed right now. I hate when so much stuff going on that you don't really know where to begin. I'll try to go in order of importance.

I'm having family trouble. I'm actually going to avoid talking about this because I'll start crying.

I hate my job. That's the first time I've actually said it out loud. I'm grateful to have one, but it's demeaning. I'm a recepetionist. Not an office assistant. Not and admin. assistant. A receptionist. I know I want to be an actress and all, but I hate sitting down all day, I hate not doing anything worthwhile. I hate the money. I am completely aware I'm being a total brat, but I don't care. I took this job, truthfully, is because my temp agency has been so good to me since I've been here, I didn't want to disappoint them by leaving this one and taking another. Hence leading to my next point.

I'm too nice. I do things solely not to disappoint other people. God forbid they don't like, or have a less than positive opinion of me, but that's just the way I am. It is something that will have to change. I agreed to be in a wedding this weekend. For a girl I barely know. Why do you ask? Long story short, I was doing a favor for my cousin who also begrudgingly agreed. Plus, I'm bored. Need something to do. Which leads to my next point.

I'm lonely. I used to always make fun of people who say they were lonely, because I felt sorry for people who are not comfortable with themselves. Well, jokes on me now. Its different here, unlike what you see on tv, i.e. Most LA people being single and fabulous, everybody is in a relationship here. And you're weird if you're not. At least that's the way I feel. My cousin, who was supposed to be my roadog, braving Cali together, is pretty much completely devoted to her boyfriend at this point. As well she should be. But she doesn't want to go anywhere unless it has something to do with him and his friends. Me not having a life, just follows along. I'm not a follower. But I slowly feel like I'm becoming one.

The financial difficulty is just the icing on the cake.

My spirit is broken, I need to regroup. I need for it to hit me how I can start living for myself again, and start my way down that path to making it life. I guess you have to feel like this in order to start believing.

The first ever double post...I'm broke/I'm going to be single forever

I'm broke

I don't know if I've ever been that open about my money problems before, but I guess I will now.

I'm broke. Who isn't right? Well, I am included in the most elite of the broke. Summary breakdown of my expenses?

Rent $600
car note $345
insurance $98
I owe the government $500
credit card bills from "emergencies" because I make no money...$1 million dollars.(not really, but close to it).

So I guess I could get a second job right? Wrong, I worked two jobs for three years and it didn't make a dent in my finances. Budget? okay, I have been lately. I made a commitmment to myself that I was going to get my shit together all summer so that I can start acting classes in the fall. Well, considering where I live and all the unexpected things that come up, (i.e. the flat tire I got last week, the $100 I still owe loverboy) its hard to do so.

My job? Pays nothing. I've never made money for real. Ever. As far as a second job, well it took me forever to get this one so I can't imagine getting another one that has to fit into a schedule. I'm not ruling it out completely, but its just I've been there and done that. And the more money you make, the more you spend.

The hard truth? I have been on roughly 15(?) job interviews and my already waning self-esteem was crushed a little with each one. Always the same shit, always the same protocol, always going with a internal candidate making the preparation as well as the trip itself a waste of time.I'm very grateful I can pay(or pay on) my bills, and I see this job as paying my dues and such, but I'm worth a lot more than this. It really disheartens me that I see so many people, people who I'm smarter than, people who don't know the meaning of working hard, get ahead based on the fact that they knew someone, or they just plain got lucky. I am very aware that the world is not fair, but screw that. I'm tired of the world not being fair, and I am so sick of the people who deserve the most getting the shit kicked out of them.

And scene...

I'm going to be single forever
Dude I spoke about in my last post? Done.

Summary. Met me for drinks on Sunday. Saw him there drinking, drunk out of his mind. Depressed more than anyone I've ever seen.Turns out the only reason he invited me in the first place is because he needed someone to pay for his drinks. He left his card at another bar. Didn't know this until after I got the bill. He said that he had money at his house and he would follow me to mine to give me the money back. He went in his house. I took off. Haven't seen or heard from him since.

Found out yesterday from his friend that he saw his ex-fiance with another man the day prior to our gathering. And apparently he's suicidal because of it. Not funny, but kinda funny. The bitch in me admits that.

Needless to say, my record remains intact. So girls, if you want to find out if your man is crazy or not, have him around me for about a day. Trust me, its like dracula turning ordinary humans into the undead.

I need some help....

So maybe you all can help me.

I'm seeing someone...blah, blah, I know don't get your panties in an uproar it ain't all that. When I met him, I didn't feel that overwhelming attraction that I usually feel with guys I "like". He said all the right things. I heard from his friends that he was a really good guy. He has a good job, his own place, and no kids. Hallelujah.

The bad. He was engaged 3 months ago. His fiance all but left him at the altar. He's not over it. He drinks everyday. So far in the past 3 weeks I've known him, he's stood me up twice, I had to push him off me on our first outing because he was a little to drunk and got too handsy (for which he slept in the car for), and I actually had to buy drinks yesterday because he got too drunk and lost his credit card. Sounds like a winner, huh.

It's pretty obvious he's not over that girl. It's lonely out here, so I'm trying to be patient as possible. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if i'm going to break up with him via voicemail, passive aggressive not returning phone calls, or tell him straight to his face. I've never dumped someone in their face before. I practiced my speech too, it goes something like this:

"I really like you a lot, so this is really hard for me. But it seems like your head isn't in this. Maybe some other time when you're ready to try this for real."

Sounds good right? I'll keep you posted.

An All New Random Blog Tidbits Post!!

1. I swear I have gotten so ridiculously vain since I have moved here. I have spent at least the last 7 years not giving a shit about what I look like when I left the house. Now I can barely afford my rent, but my hair and nails are done every week.

2. In, yet another case of my rotten man luck. I met a guy on Saturday. A really nice guy. I never meet nice guys. Ever. It sucks because this one actually had potential. Turns out, he just got of a really bad relationship. Like, girl left him at the altar bad. 3 months ago. Told him to call me when he works through his pain.

3. Loverboy is moving back home. Like out of LA, back to the south home. He says its only for a couple of months, but honestly I don't think he's coming back. Its okay. I figured God gave us enough time for me to live with him, fully understand him, save some money to get my own place, and start my life here. I will always be grateful for what he did for me. But he needs to work out his demons on his own now, or at least with someone else.

4. Loverboy's roomate and I officially hate each other. Not that we didn't before, but Loverboy has to keep us seperated now. Fucking asshole.

6 months....

6 months...That's exactly how long I'm giving myself to find another job. The bank bought me out so now I am actually am employee with 401K, health insurance, and everything. My title is switchboard receptionist. I hate it .

Truth be told, it is a huge relief to have some sense of security. I have more money coming in, I can actually move out of my place of residence within the 8-month timeframe that I created up for myself, I can start taking some acting classes in the fall, I can get my hair done every two weeks, and I can go home in July without worrying about if I will have a job when I get back. I wish it was a little more dignified. I wish it was a hot shit job with a lot of money so that I can really go to sleep at night. But its only temporary, and I mean it. I will never, ever, ever, eva eva eva eva eva stay at a job again for that long that I absolutely hate. Broke, bills or not. Its just not worth it. Since I have the experience of doing that now, I will never, ever, do it again. Did I say never ever by the way?

As far as insurance goes, it does not kick in until September, freaking September! Which means somehow, I'm going to have to come out of the pocket and pay Cobra $345 a month for the next 3 months!! Its not happening. Its just not.

Since I did temping for so many months now, and built somewhat of a good reputation with them, if I fuck up somehow and get fired here I can go back to temping. So it relieves a lot of stress from me to be attempting to be miss perfect all the time. Which I have been known to do. I actually need to save quite a bit of money from each check that I recieve instead of saying "ooh, I have $50 dollars left from this check, that's enough for like some decent pants and some shoes!!!" which I have been known to do...A lot.

In short, I am marking today as the first day until I find a new job. May 21st. That gives me until November/December-ish to get my shit together. I'm determined, so let's all start praying now.

The Deprogram

Its been an interesting journey so far since my move. I have learned more about myself in the last 3 and a half months than in the last 2 years. To summarize what I have learned about myself per a converstation with my cousin: I have absolutely no self image, I cannot make a decision on my own, and I have only gotten this far in life because I'm good at being told what to do.

I have never spoken about my upbringing on this blog before because it (a)makes me angry, (b)I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and (c) I am trying to deprogram everything that I was taught growing up. In short, my father used to be a domineering asshole (he's evolved greatly since then, thank god), my mother was a doormat for him (still), my sister and I hated each other for most of our lives, end of story.

I guess they did do something right, because I am fairly normal to the naked eye, but that's only after many, many years of being on my own. I guess you would never know it because of this blog, but I am by nature a very quiet person. Introverted, almost. I have a lot of trouble speaking my mind. I feel nautious when I know I there is a confrontation. Even though I will never admit it out loud, I have a problem with people not liking me. The reason why is because most of my life, I never had any friends. The highlighted reasons being: I was by myself a lot, hence I didn't really react to people...still don't, hence people thought I was weird. If I met a friend I wasn't allowed to hang out with them, and also if I met someone that was cool, something always happened where they either moved away, or just plain outgrew me. All girls school. No boys in my life. Even as friends. If so, always cussed out by my dad. The one and only boyfriend was chased away by my dad at age 17 when he wanted to come see me. I know, tear.

Stability sucks by the way. Don't do that to your children. Move to a new house at least once, just for kicks. They may hate it at first, but they will thank you when they get older. I lived in the same house from birth to age 18. Every one I knew moved away at some point. I have a lot of trouble adapting to new situations. The only reason I went to college in Missouri because I wanted to go somewhere where my parents had no chance of popping up ever. I couldn't take living in that hell anymore.

Moving to LA is literally the only thing I have ever done completely for myself. I have been afraid to go for my fullest potential, because I always felt intimidated by it. I am working very, very hard to deprogram all this shit.

Whole Foods

So today, I had my first actual culture shock since I have moved here. It was a place that was horrifying yet intriguing, mysterious, as well as a place I hope to never have visit anytime ever again. This place actually reminded me that Dorothy is no longer in Kansas anymore. And this magical netherland of epic proportions is...

Whole Foods Grocery Store.

I'm shaking as I am typing this. Whole Foods is an organic grocery store is pretty much all over LA. No Walmarts here buddy, just expensive ass shopping all around. I kind of knew it was organic, but I didn't know it was that organic. It's vegan organic. Scary. I went in after lunch to get some $3.00 Aunt Jemima's microwave Pancakes and Sausage boxes for breakfast. Needless to say they don't sell that at whole foods.

To debunk all of your prejudged notions, everybody in LA is not skinny and pretty. That is a myth. Only in certain parts of LA do you find those people, and apparently in a Whole Foods grocery store is one of them. There a lot of skinny people here. I mean skinny. And the way you see the little celebutantes dress on the paparazzi photos with the short ass summer dresses with cowboy boots with leggings...yeah, they all dress like that. As far as the men, they're even skinnier and prettier than the women. They have model hair*. They wear makeup too. You look around thinking that you may be looking at celebrities, when in fact, its just the LA people period.

I felt fat going in there. I felt uncomfortable, looked it too. Kept looking over my shoulder and shit, hoping to catch a skinny girl frowning at what I have let myself become. First time, suprisingly since I've been here. There was this girl in another line fully made up wearing short shorts and cowboy boots who I swore was Courtney Cox. Another who I swore was Cameron Diaz. But no, two random girls standing in line. I felt like everybody was staring at me from the waist down assessing the circumfrence of my hamhock thighs and how could I let something so tragic happen to my legs? Can you feel my trauma?

Anyway, so never, ever again unless I feel the overwhelming need to become a vegetarian, or I'm trapped in the desert overcome with thirst, and all drought has caused all the cacti to dry up and the only place that has water available to continue my life as I know it is a whole foods.

Thank you.

*Model hair - shaggy longish hair cuts, that are supposed to look like one just rolled out of bed, when in fact the hairstyle takes a lot of time to do.

Don't get too happy, Paris Hilton is not going to jail

Paris Hilton is going to jail, huh. Well, I was overjoyed until it hit me that she most likely won't have to serve the whole 45 days. The jails are extremely overcrowded so I'm highballing it and guessing she'll only do about a week. Plus, people out here know that bitch isn't going to jail. I don't know if any of you have ever been in LA long enough to watch the news, but they lick celebrity's assholes here; even on the news. It becomes clearer and clearer exactly why there all assholes, because they get special treatment here like its not tomorrow.

In other news...

I was offered the receptionist position at the bank where I am currently temping. Nothing else has come along, and there are things that are coming up such as hmmm... headshots, acting classes, hair appointments as well as the extravagances such as rent, food, car note, gas etc., you know all the leftover stuff. So as you can see, I really couldn't afford to be the "against the establishment nomad" that I was intent on being for a little while. I still have some reservations, i.e. "being receptionist is beneath me", "I have a degree, I want to make real money", blah blah. Then I stop and say to myself..bitch you moved here to be an actress, if you were starting out as an actress you would not say no to parts that were beneath you, you would take what was offered because you needed money. Same rule applies here.

Oh, I don't know if I've mentioned this yet but I actually saw Paris Hilton in person like a week ago. All hatred aside, she really does look like a tranny.

Britney Spears, I hate you

Britney Spears is a dumb bitch. Look at that shit. I mean damn, my hatred for her has surpassed Tyra Banks at this point. Britney almost makes Tyra look sincere. Almost. I mean look at that shit.

An ongoing theme of this blog is how much I hate attention whores. What excuse in the world is it for you to be that damn needy? Okay, you did not receive enough attention in your life from whoever. Fine. Who has? Everyone at some point in their life does not receive the attention they want from somebody, but to the detriment of others? To the point where your not even ashamed of looking desperate? Oh, hell no.

Kevin Federline. Not only do I know his name, I know how to spell it and use it correctly in a sentence. Worse of all, Kevin Federline has more money than me and you. Why? Because he was in the same club as her, sold her some drugs one night, and told her she was pretty. Not mad at him either, if Britney saw me and decided that I was the one for her, I would drop everything just to fake the lesbo. Why? Because the stupid bitch would believe it and I would be paid.

Sadly one of the reasons I really hate Britney Spears, because of all the trainwrecks we have seen so far in the past few years, she is the one who has a legitmate shot of being big again. How? Because I think we all have forgotten how huge Britney was in her prime. I happen to catch her pepsi commercial from back in the day on you tube, and dammit if that commercial wasn't the shit. People started drinking pepsi just because of that campaign. Someone could stick her name on dog feces, call it face cream, and it would sell. A lot. I'd buy it. All it would take is one catchy ass song, and that's it. She's on top again, and the whole world would tune in, even if it is to watch her fall.

Pros and Cons of LA

(I apologize for the length of this post)
So its been 2 and a half months now, so I can give an analysis of the pros and cons that I have experienced in LA so far.

Cons
1. A lot of hurry up and wait.
For no reason. I can't tell you how many people have called me wanting to leave my job in the middle of the day with 5 resumes, writing samples, a book about my life etc., to drive to kingdom come asap, just for them to tell me when I arrive that they've already hired someone internally. It teaches you a lot about what to rush for and what your priorities should be.

2. There are a lot of people who live and work in this country who do not speak English.
And I'm not talking about just Spanish either, japanese, chinese, etc. There's a mexican security guard who works in my building who's wife does not speak English even though she's been in this country for 10 years. I asked why she never learned English? She said she doesn't need to. Everything is available to her somehow in Spanish. I actually had a man cuss me out nasty this morning on the phone because I didn't speak spanish...go figure.

3.The people who are mean take themselves way too seriously
These are the assholes that people talk about in LA. Its very, very few things in this world in my opinion that are that deep. I guess its because I'm on the phone all day, and I've temped so much in entertainment so far, but the ones with the egos freak out about the dumbest things. My most recent example has been a loan officer who wanted me to pull another out of a business meeting because they needed to talk to them about a possible deal. God forbid, I take their number down and have the person call them back when they're done, that's just unheard of. My favorite example of this so far are the assistants who think they're rich because they work for someone rich.

4. The man keeps you down
The reason I don't have a job right now is because I refuse to get stuck somewhere again where I have no chance in hell at moving up. Every interview that I have been on has been like that. I'll do grunt work sure, only if there's a chance I won't have to do it anymore.

5. The women
In short, they suck. One girl I tried to make friends with I met though Loverboy. Long story short, she was a crazy attention whore skank and all three of us ended up in a screaming match. I found that this particular trait is common in a lot of LA women.

Pros
1. I've never been so driven in my entire life
Seeing all these people drive around in their expensive cars, and working for people who make stupid ass power play rules just because they can, make me so determined to have my own shit. I'm really surprised that I am still temping because the me that I know would have taken the stable admin. asst. office job and ran with it.

2. My eating habits have drastically changed
I've lost roughly 10 pounds since I've been here. I've been sick ever since I been here. Add to that, I'm not hanging around Addam who is constantly talking about food and losing weight in the same breath. I'm not in a work environment with people who are overweight constantly talk about food. I don't know where to get fried chicken here, at home I can name 3 off the top of my head, 2 within walking distance. Plus, I lived somewhere for 2 months where the only places you can get food without enountering much traffic or getting on the freeway is McDonalds. I hate fast food.

3. I've started to care actually care less what people think about me
My cousin told me something beautiful the other day. She said, "I have enough friends. I don't need anymore." Dammit if that didn't strike a chord. I guess when you're in a new place, you're in survival mode. You feel you need to make friends so you won't look like such a loser. No you don't. Here, I have my cousin, her boyfriend and her kids, my beautician's aunt who lives here, and (groan) (at the moment) Loverboy. That's all I need.

4. Black men are a trip
Not specific to here, that's everywhere.

The Roomate

Loverboy's roomate, put my stuff out his room yesterday. Yes, the weedhead. The bed I had been sleeping in. He's been eating my food. He sat there and watched me rummage through the kitchen like a madwoman looking for my chunky chicken noodle soup that I found out later he ate. He's been bitching about every single thing I've done even though (a) he's never there (b) he hasn't paid a single utility since he's lived there. He installed a lock on his door so I can't go in there at all anymore.
And the kicker? Why he's acting like a brat even though I did nothing to him at all? That's what pissed him off, that I actually chose to go about my business instead of being up in his face like an attention whore female.
And..From what Loverboy has told me so far, he pissed at me because I didn't fuck him. No...seriously.

I could go on and on about how sad that men are so damn insecure that they think all women need attention from them whether they like them or not. Its also sad that there are so many female attention whores in the world that some men don't know how to respond to one who isn't. But my true reaction? There are 32 people who lost their lives yesterday for no reason whatsoever, this is beneath me.

This blog really is becoming the days of my life....

So I went on another job interview this morning. Quite an interesting experience.
Basically the job was for an administrative assistant for a railroad company. The interview itself actually didn't feel like an interview, it felt more like a therapy session.

The guy was really laid back. I mean really. It threw me off. After he asked me the basic interview questions, about my skills and such. He basically told me this, "You don't want this job do you?". I was stunned. He continued to say that this job was basically for people looking for boring stability, who want a paycheck and want something to do with their day. There is not a huge possibilty of moving up, but if you want it let me know. I was dumbfounded.

He also said of all the people that he's interviewed I was by far the brightest as well as the most normal. And I would have to let him know if I felt it was a good fit for me. I would also have to leave the temp job that is currently paying me to come back this afternoon to meet his supervisors.

Needless to say, I could not do it.

I just quit a job that had me as an automaton for 6 years, to come here to be an actress. Consistent salary, 401K, free health insurance say what? If I took that job, there is no way in hell I would ever leave. No acting classes, blowing off auditions because I couldn't get off work, being stuck in the same damn position year by year with no hope of moving up. Hello, job I just left? He saw it, too. He told me that just based on me speaking skill wise I could do the job, he also could not understand why I was not working already, but he could sense my trepidation walking through the door. He asked why? I told him that in my head I know its just an interview, but I feel like I'm getting judged from head to toe and it makes me uncomfortable. I also hate the fact that I know that I need them more than they need me.

He proceeded to tell me that I'm not going to get very far in life by doing this. He also said I need to stop being so easily intimidated, to which I replied easier said than done.

I'm good about faking the confidence in my every day life, acting the diva, pretending I don't take shit from people. But when I comes right down to an actual situation to where I need to rise and conquer, I fail miserably. Professionally and personally. He helped me see that I am a person who is realistic, bright, and capable. I just for some reason keep holding my own self back. My gay ex-boyfriend (who I promise I will write about one day) used to tell me this exact statement that has been echoing in my head to this day, "You are the type of person who would be happy working for somebody."

This conversation also helped me see why I am not in a relationship. Because I've been in one with Loverboy for 5 damn years. Still.

So I'm working at bank now, and right now, and all job BS side, I'm just trying my hardest not to fuck it up.

I feel better

Lord, I was sick last and this week, man. I forgot what sick actually felt like until last week. And because of such sick, that last post sucked moldy ass as a result of being hopped up on drugs, so I feel the need to redeem myself

So I realize I am not cut out for the nomad life, bouncing from temp job to temp job, sleeping on people's couches all free spirited and shit. Uh-uh, not for me. My guess is I'm more type A personality than I originally thought. My body, or rather God was trying to tell me something. I realize that I really hated my last job, the one I was fired from. I thought I liked it, but I was lying to myself. The long hours with hardly any pay, sucks. The running around while using an archaic phone/computer system sucks. The constant watching of the ass kissing, god help me, I was already throwing up on my own. And when you're hunched over the toilet sweating profusely praying to God, and your co-worker gives you the fakest "are you ok?" you have ever heard in your life, makes you angrier than if she hadn't said anything at all.

I also don't want to work in the entertainment business unless I am an actor. Seriously not worth it unless you're the talent. The hours, as I said before are very long. The jobs in the entertainment business itself are kind of stupid. For example, there are a lot of assistants. Basically assistants are glorified secretaries who think their better than you because you they work for someone rich. As many agents, managers, etc. there are there are 2 to 3 times as many assistants. And their job, to me, is more demeaning than answering phones. There is one assistant that I worked with whose boss did not even have a computer in his office. She literally had to schedule everything for him right down to where and when he ate dinner every night. She even made him wait for him until 9' o clock one night until he finished dinner to warn him in case someone important calls. Keep in mind, this is just his work assistant, not his personal one. You can imagine what his personal one goes through.
You also have to take into account that there are aspiring writers, producers, agents, managers, who move to Hollywood, all very ready to kiss the right person's ass for their shot. Sorry, I'm not an ass kisser.

I am going to continue my quest to be an actor, but now I know for sure I am not going to sacrifice myself to do it. My health has not been the best since I have moved out here and I am sure I have spread myself way to thin. I have too much stuff to do in too little time.

The Depressed Poem

Woe is me
No one will hire me,
I don't know why.
Nevermind I do know why.
No one wants the first face they see
to be a nappy headed black girl with a mouthful of white teeth.
It sucks the way the world works
but you have to keep going in order to enjoy its perks.
polite, articulate, and educated too.
what worse than being trifiling, is not having bad qualities so the bosses can criticize you.
show up on time, do my job, no complaints or heavy lip.
dancing the dance for these stuck up stupid people, believe me its a trip.
So I will keep you all posted on on my quest to be self fulfilled
I hope it won't be a long journey, or I will continue to be ill

Eww, that sucked

Well...guess what

Blogging on the fly... before I leave today....I feel like this blog is becoming days of my life for some reason. I make this sort and sweet.

I bought a car, the same day
got fired from my job.

How did I get fired you ask? Well, no reason. Someone else over me got fired and her assistant needs her job back, so whose lower than a temp? No one. Well, maybe Paris Hilton.
Am I upset? Truthfully, Hasn't hit me yet, between my tonisilitis/strep throat and living in the crazy house, this is almost laughable. You know what's funny. I came to work all week pretty much on my deathbed because I was so paranoid about getting fired, and I get fired anyway. Funny, how the world works.

Loverboy's not going to like this, so I'm going to propose staying in orange county with my cousin for a little while, because this was the only shot I had so far out semi-stable employment. Now that's this is out the window now, hell. No plan B's.

Did I like my job? Begrugingly, I admit I was starting to. I was around the thing that I loved most in the world. Even though I could not actively participate, I got to hear about it all day and be around it all day. I learned a lot just from these 3 weeks.

I feel like I'm destined for something at this point. But it cannot be unemployment.

Ode to Sleep Deprivation

As you can tell by the title, this is basically where my state of mind is at the moment. I have the flu, the second time I've been sick in 2 weeks. I mean I am really sick. It was cold two weeks ago, now flu.

I don't know if any of you had the lovely pleasure of moving to big city, but whenever you move, you cannot move without these three things. First month's rent, last month's rent, and security deposit. Let's figure that I find an apartment here for $750 a month, (fantastic) I cannot move in unless I plunk down 1800. For a 6-month lease! This has put a huge, huge damper in my plans. I know you all may be a little shocked as to why this is suprising, but keep in mind the deposit on my last apartment was $75, and I could just move right on in with the first months rent.

My living situation right now sucks. As I stated before, I am currently living with two guys. One is an insomniac, and one is a total weedhead. Loverboy works night hours, and not only does he not go to sleep, but he is determined to not make you go to sleep with him, (i.e. screaming to someone at the top of his lungs on his cell phone, slamming doors, turning on the bright ass light in your face if he needs to ask you something, sleeps with the TV on, lord I could go on). Weedhead is not home very much but when he is, he is high all the time. And when I say all the time, I mean all the time. Nothing wrong with chiefing, I have no problem with that. But, dude, I have lived there for 6 weeks now, and I have never seen homeboy sober. Plus, he creeps me out.

The house always smells like weed. I have to wait for a free bed a lot of the time so I can sleep, and when I get one I wake up about 50 times a night. Add in a nice little flu, you got yourself one little happy healthy situation.

Blah, Blah, Blah, I know. I could be sleeping in my car. Don't even try it. At least if I'm sleeping in my car, I'll be guaranteed a place to sleep every night and be granted if Loverboy doesn't know where I am, it will at least be quiet.

Loverboy goes out of town next week, so it'll just be me and weedhead. This will be interesting. I'll keep you posted.

God I Know

March 20. God I know. So much to talk about so little time. I was actually going to end this blog until I read the comment on my last one, so thank you Erica and dammit I'm at it again.

Here's very, very brief synopsis.

*Staying with Loverboy. It sucks. He's a hoe. He is letting me stay in his house but he's still a hoe. Came to the realization that I was part of his stable of hoes. Panic attacks. Sleepless nights.
Harder than I thought it was going to be. Mood swings like a pregnant bitch.

*I am not going home, at least not now. Currently a receptionist at a talent agency. Its temp, but its money. Moms and Pops been suprisingly supportive about the whole thing. I guess they knew it was coming.

*I understand completely why people stay at their jobs for 25-30 years. Quitting your job to follow your dream is ridicioulsly hard. People live in their cars to do this, and I'm dangerously close. I'm not saying quit, but make sure its something you
really want to do first.

*Thank the lord Jesus Christ in heaven for therapists. Because without mine, I would have probably went home and hid under my bed for a month. If your thinking about it, don't think, go. Because if you get a good one, it could save your life.

I'm finally here

Damn, January 31 is the last I posted? A mess....Yes, I'm here. For obvious reasons, my posts will be shorter and less frequent, but I will try to keep it up. Yes I am unemployed, sleeping on people's couches. Yes, I feel like a loser. Loser, enough to go back home? No, at least not yet anyway.

I'm still in love with Loverboy. I am such a glutton for punishment, especially with guys. I guess it will always be the thing with me. Currenlty, since there are no other living possiblities, we're sharing a room. It sucks. For someone, who's lived alone since sophmore year of college, it really sucks. I wonder what its like to be completely obvilious to someone who is so desperately in love with you. So desperately in love, you watch them sleep. (Yes, I just admitted that out loud).I would like to have that feeling of complete obliviousness.

It sucks not working, for someone who's worked 12+ hours a day for the last 3 years, I feel lost. I know I'm out here to be an actress and there's a lot of rejection and free time involved, I'm the type of person who thinks too much when they're not doing anything.

I need to get a boyfriend, for practical purposes only. People are starting to think something's wrong. I found out recently my family thinks I'm a homewrecking slut. My cousin's boyfriend thinks I'm a lesbian. Loverboy treats me like shit, because he knows he the only heterosexual male in my life at this moment. Its not necessarily that they're thoughts matter to me, but I just get tired of fighting to be me all the time.

That's all for now. More to come.

Project Cali...in effect mode

Paris Hilton is not human. She scares me. She has absolutely no soul. And I absolutely refuse to watch that video. She's a sociopath. Still, people keep giving her press, and she's not going to suffer any consequence whatsoever. I just had to say that out loud.

Project California goes into effect in 9 days and 20 hours. I'm shuffling back and forth between delusional calm and extreme mania. It's still not real. Me about a year ago would only be going for a week on spring break for vacation, probably fill out some job applications for convenience, have them call me the day I go back, only to proceed to come back here to bitch about how I need to get out of here. But me proactively taking steps to change my life? Bitch, please. I got an easy job with good insurance, why would I leave it? Plus its time for Addam and I start planning our birthday party. I would worry about it after that.

As of now, I'll be homeless for a little while. My cousin made an generous offer to let me stay with her the whole time, with her boyfriend and her kids. Umm, no. Kids aren't the problem, they're great. Boyfriend is sketch. I would describe him as the kind of ghetto that he has to suppress for everyday life, so he won't be fighting everyone in his path. Plus, I know they're cheating/cheated on each other. My gut feeling is that I don't trust him. I don't think he'll hit on me or anything, okay, we'll maybe...but the outcome will not be good. For now, I'll just be sleeping in my rental car.

The Interview

So my pilgrimage to LA takes place in about 2 weeks and I am terrified. I am definitely preparing myself for the worst. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I am blessed to go and try this, but at the same time I am scared shitless that it won't work out and I am back in hell again, plotting once again my neverending escape from Alcatraz.

The following is a interview conducted to me by me pretty much illustrating how I feel about life right now:

So I understand you want to be actress, and I know you have a reputation for hating celebrities, let's first start by asking who you hate in Hollywood right now.
Oh, cool I have a new list. The top at that list right now is Angelina Jolie. Everybody thinks she's the Virgin Mary. I think she thinks she's the virgin mary, all because she adopted some ethnic kids and she's pretty. That's what its all about.... her bring pretty. So therefore she can do nothing wrong. Instead of flying by plane to all of these poor countries, she just floats with her veil as a cape.
Drew Barrymore, hate her. She strikes me as the fakest bitch on the planet. If she's that nice, why is she best friends with Cameron Diaz, who is literally the fakest bitch on the planet.
Beyonce, yuck..I can go on, but I'll leave it alone, because I'll get bored. Tyra Banks is an idiot pretending to be smart. Paris Hilton, that one goes without saying.
Paris scares me, she has no soul.

What is your biggest fear about your trip?
Looking everyone in the eye once again and telling them I'm coming back. I've been through this so many times even I think I'm full or shit at this point. Now I feel like the reason I stayed here so long is because I'm so scared of change I became comfortable in my own misery. Took pride in bitching and complaining and not doing anything about it. I became my mother.

How does your family feel about this?
They don't give a shit. It would be different if I got this six figure job and I'm moving to be near it, they would be all up my ass, but honestly they could care less.

Does that bother you?
Hell no. I prefer it that way actually.

In the event you became a successful actress, would you become...different?
You mean a bitch? (laughs). Only to these specific people. My mom and her side of the family because they would transition into money grubbing vultures, and to them I would animorph into "the walking check", to hair and makeup people, because it took 28 years to get my shit together and you're not going to fuck it up in one oil-laden makeup brushed swoop, and to Paris Hilton and others like her, because she is fucking up the youth of our country.

What going to happen with you and "Loverboy"?
You know what, I really haven't thought that much about it, suprisingly. I guess I'm so hell bent on planning and doing my own thing, that I haven't thought that much about how he fits into the picture, except as a friend, of course. Imagine that.

One final question, you were pretty depressed for a while about entering the business because of the whole emphasis on looks, is your perspective still the same?
No, its not. If I built on career on trying to be the hot girl, I'd be Jessica Alba. Believe me,I do not want to be Jessica Alba. Bitch has no charisma. Truth is, if I get cast as the quirky best friend, then I get cast as the quirky best friend. If I'm the "fat" girl, I'm the fat girl. All the actresses who are good, who I love did not spend their time trying to be hot girl, they just were cast period. And I wouldn't spend all my time trying to diet and workout, and more time trying to be good enough to get cast.

Random Tidbits .... Once Again

1. Beyonce, full blown hatred. Not even jealous anymore, she just urks the shit out me now.

2. 3 weeks until project California. I'm terrified, of coming back that is. No one has contacted me about a job as of yet, and its really freaking me out at this point.

3. I realized now that I have stayed at this hellhole for so long, because I forgot how much I hate looking for a job. I absolutely hate it, all the work, all the applications, all the interviews...after all that, you find out they had someone in mind for the job anyway and all your efforts were in vain.

4. Maybe its because I've been in this shithole for so long, but I'm really fed up with black men at the moment. I know there are good ones out there, but confident, strong, educated, non wannabe thuggish, open minded black men, with no kids are very few and far between. I'm into Jewish men now. I'm sure its just a phase.

5. Speaking of thugs, regular guys (of any race) never approach me. Just the "thugs". Not my exterior either, I dress like a preppie most of the time. My best friend and I were talking about the only kinds of black women who are widely regarded as okay to think of as beautiful either look like either Halle Berry or Iman. White girl or extremely exotic, and always skinny. No in between. Most black women are my complexion, with my build, and my big ass. So the only ones who can decipher the difference, and unfortunately appreciate us is the "thugs", screaming obscenities at us indoors from outside....but I digress...

More to come...

Beyonce looked like a straight drag queen at the Golden globes last night...


That's all for now.

Thank Yous for 2006

I know I'm late with this, but I've been sick and I'm sick now, so screw it.

Go Gators!! Had to get that out first.

So I'm laying in the bed with my insomnia, as I do every night dwelling over the events I had this last year. So I have to say, I had a damn good year.

I made myself over completely inside and out, and I have these lovely people to thank.

1. God
I was mad at God for a little while, not gonna lie. Wondering why he stuck me with the mediocre life that I lived, wondering why after years of begging every single night for years, why I was still in this hellhole, and even though I was trying to claw my way out, how come I was still not in LA? After much professional help and less self-hatred it finally hit me. I wasn't ready. If I had left any earlier than I did right now, I would have been on the next plane home. I didn't like myself very much and it showed. Out there, can't do that. In the end, all you have is you and Him. Sorry it took me so long God, and thank you.

2. My beautician
I could write about this woman forever, but I'll make it quick. I don't know if I have ever bitched about this before, but one of my biggest lifelong dreams is to have long hair...No, seriously. My mother has continously told to me throughout the years as well as my middle sister, "I keep trying to tell your hair don't grow long. You don't have curly hair like Dean (my oldest sister). Only people with good hair have long hair" Beautician after bad beautician, perm after bad perm, short hair. Certain point, breaks off, shorter hair.
So this woman takes one look at my hair, and says, "You need to leave those perms alone. They are tearing your head up." What? The perm is tearing my head up? Stress is not taking my hair out?
"No. Just trust me and do what I tell you." That was march. Here is January and my hair has gone from the top of my ears to the top of my back. Thanks, Tish.

3.Greg Berenhdt
Writer of "He's not that into You." and "Its called a breakup because its broken". I am the queen of shitty relationships, as well as dumb as a brick when it comes to men. The book itself is pretty common sense, mostly, but it told me everything I needed to hear. Haven't looked back since.

4. My mom
Me and Moms still have our differences, but it took me living with her again to really get it and handle her. She may have her issues, and the issues are deep, trust me, but I know she will always be there for me.

5. My therapist
I don't need to talk about her, because I talk about her enough on this blog. Therapy works people. I am a believer.

Last, but not least

5.Loverboy
I finally got some emotional distance, and I now treat him for what he is.. a friend. Don't get me wrong, I still love the boy, I'm not delusional, but he is not good for me. He has been been a good friend, but he is not what I want in a boyfriend at all. And I am no longer to willing to take scraps.

I want to send a shout out to Addam and Jason, who help me hold it down in this piece, and my popz who still keeps it real, and nothin' but love for my sister Gwen...

Okay, sorry had to do that....