The first ever double post...I'm broke/I'm going to be single forever

I'm broke

I don't know if I've ever been that open about my money problems before, but I guess I will now.

I'm broke. Who isn't right? Well, I am included in the most elite of the broke. Summary breakdown of my expenses?

Rent $600
car note $345
insurance $98
I owe the government $500
credit card bills from "emergencies" because I make no money...$1 million dollars.(not really, but close to it).

So I guess I could get a second job right? Wrong, I worked two jobs for three years and it didn't make a dent in my finances. Budget? okay, I have been lately. I made a commitmment to myself that I was going to get my shit together all summer so that I can start acting classes in the fall. Well, considering where I live and all the unexpected things that come up, (i.e. the flat tire I got last week, the $100 I still owe loverboy) its hard to do so.

My job? Pays nothing. I've never made money for real. Ever. As far as a second job, well it took me forever to get this one so I can't imagine getting another one that has to fit into a schedule. I'm not ruling it out completely, but its just I've been there and done that. And the more money you make, the more you spend.

The hard truth? I have been on roughly 15(?) job interviews and my already waning self-esteem was crushed a little with each one. Always the same shit, always the same protocol, always going with a internal candidate making the preparation as well as the trip itself a waste of time.I'm very grateful I can pay(or pay on) my bills, and I see this job as paying my dues and such, but I'm worth a lot more than this. It really disheartens me that I see so many people, people who I'm smarter than, people who don't know the meaning of working hard, get ahead based on the fact that they knew someone, or they just plain got lucky. I am very aware that the world is not fair, but screw that. I'm tired of the world not being fair, and I am so sick of the people who deserve the most getting the shit kicked out of them.

And scene...

I'm going to be single forever
Dude I spoke about in my last post? Done.

Summary. Met me for drinks on Sunday. Saw him there drinking, drunk out of his mind. Depressed more than anyone I've ever seen.Turns out the only reason he invited me in the first place is because he needed someone to pay for his drinks. He left his card at another bar. Didn't know this until after I got the bill. He said that he had money at his house and he would follow me to mine to give me the money back. He went in his house. I took off. Haven't seen or heard from him since.

Found out yesterday from his friend that he saw his ex-fiance with another man the day prior to our gathering. And apparently he's suicidal because of it. Not funny, but kinda funny. The bitch in me admits that.

Needless to say, my record remains intact. So girls, if you want to find out if your man is crazy or not, have him around me for about a day. Trust me, its like dracula turning ordinary humans into the undead.

I need some help....

So maybe you all can help me.

I'm seeing someone...blah, blah, I know don't get your panties in an uproar it ain't all that. When I met him, I didn't feel that overwhelming attraction that I usually feel with guys I "like". He said all the right things. I heard from his friends that he was a really good guy. He has a good job, his own place, and no kids. Hallelujah.

The bad. He was engaged 3 months ago. His fiance all but left him at the altar. He's not over it. He drinks everyday. So far in the past 3 weeks I've known him, he's stood me up twice, I had to push him off me on our first outing because he was a little to drunk and got too handsy (for which he slept in the car for), and I actually had to buy drinks yesterday because he got too drunk and lost his credit card. Sounds like a winner, huh.

It's pretty obvious he's not over that girl. It's lonely out here, so I'm trying to be patient as possible. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if i'm going to break up with him via voicemail, passive aggressive not returning phone calls, or tell him straight to his face. I've never dumped someone in their face before. I practiced my speech too, it goes something like this:

"I really like you a lot, so this is really hard for me. But it seems like your head isn't in this. Maybe some other time when you're ready to try this for real."

Sounds good right? I'll keep you posted.

An All New Random Blog Tidbits Post!!

1. I swear I have gotten so ridiculously vain since I have moved here. I have spent at least the last 7 years not giving a shit about what I look like when I left the house. Now I can barely afford my rent, but my hair and nails are done every week.

2. In, yet another case of my rotten man luck. I met a guy on Saturday. A really nice guy. I never meet nice guys. Ever. It sucks because this one actually had potential. Turns out, he just got of a really bad relationship. Like, girl left him at the altar bad. 3 months ago. Told him to call me when he works through his pain.

3. Loverboy is moving back home. Like out of LA, back to the south home. He says its only for a couple of months, but honestly I don't think he's coming back. Its okay. I figured God gave us enough time for me to live with him, fully understand him, save some money to get my own place, and start my life here. I will always be grateful for what he did for me. But he needs to work out his demons on his own now, or at least with someone else.

4. Loverboy's roomate and I officially hate each other. Not that we didn't before, but Loverboy has to keep us seperated now. Fucking asshole.

6 months....

6 months...That's exactly how long I'm giving myself to find another job. The bank bought me out so now I am actually am employee with 401K, health insurance, and everything. My title is switchboard receptionist. I hate it .

Truth be told, it is a huge relief to have some sense of security. I have more money coming in, I can actually move out of my place of residence within the 8-month timeframe that I created up for myself, I can start taking some acting classes in the fall, I can get my hair done every two weeks, and I can go home in July without worrying about if I will have a job when I get back. I wish it was a little more dignified. I wish it was a hot shit job with a lot of money so that I can really go to sleep at night. But its only temporary, and I mean it. I will never, ever, ever, eva eva eva eva eva stay at a job again for that long that I absolutely hate. Broke, bills or not. Its just not worth it. Since I have the experience of doing that now, I will never, ever, do it again. Did I say never ever by the way?

As far as insurance goes, it does not kick in until September, freaking September! Which means somehow, I'm going to have to come out of the pocket and pay Cobra $345 a month for the next 3 months!! Its not happening. Its just not.

Since I did temping for so many months now, and built somewhat of a good reputation with them, if I fuck up somehow and get fired here I can go back to temping. So it relieves a lot of stress from me to be attempting to be miss perfect all the time. Which I have been known to do. I actually need to save quite a bit of money from each check that I recieve instead of saying "ooh, I have $50 dollars left from this check, that's enough for like some decent pants and some shoes!!!" which I have been known to do...A lot.

In short, I am marking today as the first day until I find a new job. May 21st. That gives me until November/December-ish to get my shit together. I'm determined, so let's all start praying now.

The Deprogram

Its been an interesting journey so far since my move. I have learned more about myself in the last 3 and a half months than in the last 2 years. To summarize what I have learned about myself per a converstation with my cousin: I have absolutely no self image, I cannot make a decision on my own, and I have only gotten this far in life because I'm good at being told what to do.

I have never spoken about my upbringing on this blog before because it (a)makes me angry, (b)I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and (c) I am trying to deprogram everything that I was taught growing up. In short, my father used to be a domineering asshole (he's evolved greatly since then, thank god), my mother was a doormat for him (still), my sister and I hated each other for most of our lives, end of story.

I guess they did do something right, because I am fairly normal to the naked eye, but that's only after many, many years of being on my own. I guess you would never know it because of this blog, but I am by nature a very quiet person. Introverted, almost. I have a lot of trouble speaking my mind. I feel nautious when I know I there is a confrontation. Even though I will never admit it out loud, I have a problem with people not liking me. The reason why is because most of my life, I never had any friends. The highlighted reasons being: I was by myself a lot, hence I didn't really react to people...still don't, hence people thought I was weird. If I met a friend I wasn't allowed to hang out with them, and also if I met someone that was cool, something always happened where they either moved away, or just plain outgrew me. All girls school. No boys in my life. Even as friends. If so, always cussed out by my dad. The one and only boyfriend was chased away by my dad at age 17 when he wanted to come see me. I know, tear.

Stability sucks by the way. Don't do that to your children. Move to a new house at least once, just for kicks. They may hate it at first, but they will thank you when they get older. I lived in the same house from birth to age 18. Every one I knew moved away at some point. I have a lot of trouble adapting to new situations. The only reason I went to college in Missouri because I wanted to go somewhere where my parents had no chance of popping up ever. I couldn't take living in that hell anymore.

Moving to LA is literally the only thing I have ever done completely for myself. I have been afraid to go for my fullest potential, because I always felt intimidated by it. I am working very, very hard to deprogram all this shit.

Whole Foods

So today, I had my first actual culture shock since I have moved here. It was a place that was horrifying yet intriguing, mysterious, as well as a place I hope to never have visit anytime ever again. This place actually reminded me that Dorothy is no longer in Kansas anymore. And this magical netherland of epic proportions is...

Whole Foods Grocery Store.

I'm shaking as I am typing this. Whole Foods is an organic grocery store is pretty much all over LA. No Walmarts here buddy, just expensive ass shopping all around. I kind of knew it was organic, but I didn't know it was that organic. It's vegan organic. Scary. I went in after lunch to get some $3.00 Aunt Jemima's microwave Pancakes and Sausage boxes for breakfast. Needless to say they don't sell that at whole foods.

To debunk all of your prejudged notions, everybody in LA is not skinny and pretty. That is a myth. Only in certain parts of LA do you find those people, and apparently in a Whole Foods grocery store is one of them. There a lot of skinny people here. I mean skinny. And the way you see the little celebutantes dress on the paparazzi photos with the short ass summer dresses with cowboy boots with leggings...yeah, they all dress like that. As far as the men, they're even skinnier and prettier than the women. They have model hair*. They wear makeup too. You look around thinking that you may be looking at celebrities, when in fact, its just the LA people period.

I felt fat going in there. I felt uncomfortable, looked it too. Kept looking over my shoulder and shit, hoping to catch a skinny girl frowning at what I have let myself become. First time, suprisingly since I've been here. There was this girl in another line fully made up wearing short shorts and cowboy boots who I swore was Courtney Cox. Another who I swore was Cameron Diaz. But no, two random girls standing in line. I felt like everybody was staring at me from the waist down assessing the circumfrence of my hamhock thighs and how could I let something so tragic happen to my legs? Can you feel my trauma?

Anyway, so never, ever again unless I feel the overwhelming need to become a vegetarian, or I'm trapped in the desert overcome with thirst, and all drought has caused all the cacti to dry up and the only place that has water available to continue my life as I know it is a whole foods.

Thank you.

*Model hair - shaggy longish hair cuts, that are supposed to look like one just rolled out of bed, when in fact the hairstyle takes a lot of time to do.

Don't get too happy, Paris Hilton is not going to jail

Paris Hilton is going to jail, huh. Well, I was overjoyed until it hit me that she most likely won't have to serve the whole 45 days. The jails are extremely overcrowded so I'm highballing it and guessing she'll only do about a week. Plus, people out here know that bitch isn't going to jail. I don't know if any of you have ever been in LA long enough to watch the news, but they lick celebrity's assholes here; even on the news. It becomes clearer and clearer exactly why there all assholes, because they get special treatment here like its not tomorrow.

In other news...

I was offered the receptionist position at the bank where I am currently temping. Nothing else has come along, and there are things that are coming up such as hmmm... headshots, acting classes, hair appointments as well as the extravagances such as rent, food, car note, gas etc., you know all the leftover stuff. So as you can see, I really couldn't afford to be the "against the establishment nomad" that I was intent on being for a little while. I still have some reservations, i.e. "being receptionist is beneath me", "I have a degree, I want to make real money", blah blah. Then I stop and say to myself..bitch you moved here to be an actress, if you were starting out as an actress you would not say no to parts that were beneath you, you would take what was offered because you needed money. Same rule applies here.

Oh, I don't know if I've mentioned this yet but I actually saw Paris Hilton in person like a week ago. All hatred aside, she really does look like a tranny.

Britney Spears, I hate you

Britney Spears is a dumb bitch. Look at that shit. I mean damn, my hatred for her has surpassed Tyra Banks at this point. Britney almost makes Tyra look sincere. Almost. I mean look at that shit.

An ongoing theme of this blog is how much I hate attention whores. What excuse in the world is it for you to be that damn needy? Okay, you did not receive enough attention in your life from whoever. Fine. Who has? Everyone at some point in their life does not receive the attention they want from somebody, but to the detriment of others? To the point where your not even ashamed of looking desperate? Oh, hell no.

Kevin Federline. Not only do I know his name, I know how to spell it and use it correctly in a sentence. Worse of all, Kevin Federline has more money than me and you. Why? Because he was in the same club as her, sold her some drugs one night, and told her she was pretty. Not mad at him either, if Britney saw me and decided that I was the one for her, I would drop everything just to fake the lesbo. Why? Because the stupid bitch would believe it and I would be paid.

Sadly one of the reasons I really hate Britney Spears, because of all the trainwrecks we have seen so far in the past few years, she is the one who has a legitmate shot of being big again. How? Because I think we all have forgotten how huge Britney was in her prime. I happen to catch her pepsi commercial from back in the day on you tube, and dammit if that commercial wasn't the shit. People started drinking pepsi just because of that campaign. Someone could stick her name on dog feces, call it face cream, and it would sell. A lot. I'd buy it. All it would take is one catchy ass song, and that's it. She's on top again, and the whole world would tune in, even if it is to watch her fall.

Pros and Cons of LA

(I apologize for the length of this post)
So its been 2 and a half months now, so I can give an analysis of the pros and cons that I have experienced in LA so far.

Cons
1. A lot of hurry up and wait.
For no reason. I can't tell you how many people have called me wanting to leave my job in the middle of the day with 5 resumes, writing samples, a book about my life etc., to drive to kingdom come asap, just for them to tell me when I arrive that they've already hired someone internally. It teaches you a lot about what to rush for and what your priorities should be.

2. There are a lot of people who live and work in this country who do not speak English.
And I'm not talking about just Spanish either, japanese, chinese, etc. There's a mexican security guard who works in my building who's wife does not speak English even though she's been in this country for 10 years. I asked why she never learned English? She said she doesn't need to. Everything is available to her somehow in Spanish. I actually had a man cuss me out nasty this morning on the phone because I didn't speak spanish...go figure.

3.The people who are mean take themselves way too seriously
These are the assholes that people talk about in LA. Its very, very few things in this world in my opinion that are that deep. I guess its because I'm on the phone all day, and I've temped so much in entertainment so far, but the ones with the egos freak out about the dumbest things. My most recent example has been a loan officer who wanted me to pull another out of a business meeting because they needed to talk to them about a possible deal. God forbid, I take their number down and have the person call them back when they're done, that's just unheard of. My favorite example of this so far are the assistants who think they're rich because they work for someone rich.

4. The man keeps you down
The reason I don't have a job right now is because I refuse to get stuck somewhere again where I have no chance in hell at moving up. Every interview that I have been on has been like that. I'll do grunt work sure, only if there's a chance I won't have to do it anymore.

5. The women
In short, they suck. One girl I tried to make friends with I met though Loverboy. Long story short, she was a crazy attention whore skank and all three of us ended up in a screaming match. I found that this particular trait is common in a lot of LA women.

Pros
1. I've never been so driven in my entire life
Seeing all these people drive around in their expensive cars, and working for people who make stupid ass power play rules just because they can, make me so determined to have my own shit. I'm really surprised that I am still temping because the me that I know would have taken the stable admin. asst. office job and ran with it.

2. My eating habits have drastically changed
I've lost roughly 10 pounds since I've been here. I've been sick ever since I been here. Add to that, I'm not hanging around Addam who is constantly talking about food and losing weight in the same breath. I'm not in a work environment with people who are overweight constantly talk about food. I don't know where to get fried chicken here, at home I can name 3 off the top of my head, 2 within walking distance. Plus, I lived somewhere for 2 months where the only places you can get food without enountering much traffic or getting on the freeway is McDonalds. I hate fast food.

3. I've started to care actually care less what people think about me
My cousin told me something beautiful the other day. She said, "I have enough friends. I don't need anymore." Dammit if that didn't strike a chord. I guess when you're in a new place, you're in survival mode. You feel you need to make friends so you won't look like such a loser. No you don't. Here, I have my cousin, her boyfriend and her kids, my beautician's aunt who lives here, and (groan) (at the moment) Loverboy. That's all I need.

4. Black men are a trip
Not specific to here, that's everywhere.

The Roomate

Loverboy's roomate, put my stuff out his room yesterday. Yes, the weedhead. The bed I had been sleeping in. He's been eating my food. He sat there and watched me rummage through the kitchen like a madwoman looking for my chunky chicken noodle soup that I found out later he ate. He's been bitching about every single thing I've done even though (a) he's never there (b) he hasn't paid a single utility since he's lived there. He installed a lock on his door so I can't go in there at all anymore.
And the kicker? Why he's acting like a brat even though I did nothing to him at all? That's what pissed him off, that I actually chose to go about my business instead of being up in his face like an attention whore female.
And..From what Loverboy has told me so far, he pissed at me because I didn't fuck him. No...seriously.

I could go on and on about how sad that men are so damn insecure that they think all women need attention from them whether they like them or not. Its also sad that there are so many female attention whores in the world that some men don't know how to respond to one who isn't. But my true reaction? There are 32 people who lost their lives yesterday for no reason whatsoever, this is beneath me.

This blog really is becoming the days of my life....

So I went on another job interview this morning. Quite an interesting experience.
Basically the job was for an administrative assistant for a railroad company. The interview itself actually didn't feel like an interview, it felt more like a therapy session.

The guy was really laid back. I mean really. It threw me off. After he asked me the basic interview questions, about my skills and such. He basically told me this, "You don't want this job do you?". I was stunned. He continued to say that this job was basically for people looking for boring stability, who want a paycheck and want something to do with their day. There is not a huge possibilty of moving up, but if you want it let me know. I was dumbfounded.

He also said of all the people that he's interviewed I was by far the brightest as well as the most normal. And I would have to let him know if I felt it was a good fit for me. I would also have to leave the temp job that is currently paying me to come back this afternoon to meet his supervisors.

Needless to say, I could not do it.

I just quit a job that had me as an automaton for 6 years, to come here to be an actress. Consistent salary, 401K, free health insurance say what? If I took that job, there is no way in hell I would ever leave. No acting classes, blowing off auditions because I couldn't get off work, being stuck in the same damn position year by year with no hope of moving up. Hello, job I just left? He saw it, too. He told me that just based on me speaking skill wise I could do the job, he also could not understand why I was not working already, but he could sense my trepidation walking through the door. He asked why? I told him that in my head I know its just an interview, but I feel like I'm getting judged from head to toe and it makes me uncomfortable. I also hate the fact that I know that I need them more than they need me.

He proceeded to tell me that I'm not going to get very far in life by doing this. He also said I need to stop being so easily intimidated, to which I replied easier said than done.

I'm good about faking the confidence in my every day life, acting the diva, pretending I don't take shit from people. But when I comes right down to an actual situation to where I need to rise and conquer, I fail miserably. Professionally and personally. He helped me see that I am a person who is realistic, bright, and capable. I just for some reason keep holding my own self back. My gay ex-boyfriend (who I promise I will write about one day) used to tell me this exact statement that has been echoing in my head to this day, "You are the type of person who would be happy working for somebody."

This conversation also helped me see why I am not in a relationship. Because I've been in one with Loverboy for 5 damn years. Still.

So I'm working at bank now, and right now, and all job BS side, I'm just trying my hardest not to fuck it up.

I feel better

Lord, I was sick last and this week, man. I forgot what sick actually felt like until last week. And because of such sick, that last post sucked moldy ass as a result of being hopped up on drugs, so I feel the need to redeem myself

So I realize I am not cut out for the nomad life, bouncing from temp job to temp job, sleeping on people's couches all free spirited and shit. Uh-uh, not for me. My guess is I'm more type A personality than I originally thought. My body, or rather God was trying to tell me something. I realize that I really hated my last job, the one I was fired from. I thought I liked it, but I was lying to myself. The long hours with hardly any pay, sucks. The running around while using an archaic phone/computer system sucks. The constant watching of the ass kissing, god help me, I was already throwing up on my own. And when you're hunched over the toilet sweating profusely praying to God, and your co-worker gives you the fakest "are you ok?" you have ever heard in your life, makes you angrier than if she hadn't said anything at all.

I also don't want to work in the entertainment business unless I am an actor. Seriously not worth it unless you're the talent. The hours, as I said before are very long. The jobs in the entertainment business itself are kind of stupid. For example, there are a lot of assistants. Basically assistants are glorified secretaries who think their better than you because you they work for someone rich. As many agents, managers, etc. there are there are 2 to 3 times as many assistants. And their job, to me, is more demeaning than answering phones. There is one assistant that I worked with whose boss did not even have a computer in his office. She literally had to schedule everything for him right down to where and when he ate dinner every night. She even made him wait for him until 9' o clock one night until he finished dinner to warn him in case someone important calls. Keep in mind, this is just his work assistant, not his personal one. You can imagine what his personal one goes through.
You also have to take into account that there are aspiring writers, producers, agents, managers, who move to Hollywood, all very ready to kiss the right person's ass for their shot. Sorry, I'm not an ass kisser.

I am going to continue my quest to be an actor, but now I know for sure I am not going to sacrifice myself to do it. My health has not been the best since I have moved out here and I am sure I have spread myself way to thin. I have too much stuff to do in too little time.

The Depressed Poem

Woe is me
No one will hire me,
I don't know why.
Nevermind I do know why.
No one wants the first face they see
to be a nappy headed black girl with a mouthful of white teeth.
It sucks the way the world works
but you have to keep going in order to enjoy its perks.
polite, articulate, and educated too.
what worse than being trifiling, is not having bad qualities so the bosses can criticize you.
show up on time, do my job, no complaints or heavy lip.
dancing the dance for these stuck up stupid people, believe me its a trip.
So I will keep you all posted on on my quest to be self fulfilled
I hope it won't be a long journey, or I will continue to be ill

Eww, that sucked

Well...guess what

Blogging on the fly... before I leave today....I feel like this blog is becoming days of my life for some reason. I make this sort and sweet.

I bought a car, the same day
got fired from my job.

How did I get fired you ask? Well, no reason. Someone else over me got fired and her assistant needs her job back, so whose lower than a temp? No one. Well, maybe Paris Hilton.
Am I upset? Truthfully, Hasn't hit me yet, between my tonisilitis/strep throat and living in the crazy house, this is almost laughable. You know what's funny. I came to work all week pretty much on my deathbed because I was so paranoid about getting fired, and I get fired anyway. Funny, how the world works.

Loverboy's not going to like this, so I'm going to propose staying in orange county with my cousin for a little while, because this was the only shot I had so far out semi-stable employment. Now that's this is out the window now, hell. No plan B's.

Did I like my job? Begrugingly, I admit I was starting to. I was around the thing that I loved most in the world. Even though I could not actively participate, I got to hear about it all day and be around it all day. I learned a lot just from these 3 weeks.

I feel like I'm destined for something at this point. But it cannot be unemployment.

Ode to Sleep Deprivation

As you can tell by the title, this is basically where my state of mind is at the moment. I have the flu, the second time I've been sick in 2 weeks. I mean I am really sick. It was cold two weeks ago, now flu.

I don't know if any of you had the lovely pleasure of moving to big city, but whenever you move, you cannot move without these three things. First month's rent, last month's rent, and security deposit. Let's figure that I find an apartment here for $750 a month, (fantastic) I cannot move in unless I plunk down 1800. For a 6-month lease! This has put a huge, huge damper in my plans. I know you all may be a little shocked as to why this is suprising, but keep in mind the deposit on my last apartment was $75, and I could just move right on in with the first months rent.

My living situation right now sucks. As I stated before, I am currently living with two guys. One is an insomniac, and one is a total weedhead. Loverboy works night hours, and not only does he not go to sleep, but he is determined to not make you go to sleep with him, (i.e. screaming to someone at the top of his lungs on his cell phone, slamming doors, turning on the bright ass light in your face if he needs to ask you something, sleeps with the TV on, lord I could go on). Weedhead is not home very much but when he is, he is high all the time. And when I say all the time, I mean all the time. Nothing wrong with chiefing, I have no problem with that. But, dude, I have lived there for 6 weeks now, and I have never seen homeboy sober. Plus, he creeps me out.

The house always smells like weed. I have to wait for a free bed a lot of the time so I can sleep, and when I get one I wake up about 50 times a night. Add in a nice little flu, you got yourself one little happy healthy situation.

Blah, Blah, Blah, I know. I could be sleeping in my car. Don't even try it. At least if I'm sleeping in my car, I'll be guaranteed a place to sleep every night and be granted if Loverboy doesn't know where I am, it will at least be quiet.

Loverboy goes out of town next week, so it'll just be me and weedhead. This will be interesting. I'll keep you posted.

God I Know

March 20. God I know. So much to talk about so little time. I was actually going to end this blog until I read the comment on my last one, so thank you Erica and dammit I'm at it again.

Here's very, very brief synopsis.

*Staying with Loverboy. It sucks. He's a hoe. He is letting me stay in his house but he's still a hoe. Came to the realization that I was part of his stable of hoes. Panic attacks. Sleepless nights.
Harder than I thought it was going to be. Mood swings like a pregnant bitch.

*I am not going home, at least not now. Currently a receptionist at a talent agency. Its temp, but its money. Moms and Pops been suprisingly supportive about the whole thing. I guess they knew it was coming.

*I understand completely why people stay at their jobs for 25-30 years. Quitting your job to follow your dream is ridicioulsly hard. People live in their cars to do this, and I'm dangerously close. I'm not saying quit, but make sure its something you
really want to do first.

*Thank the lord Jesus Christ in heaven for therapists. Because without mine, I would have probably went home and hid under my bed for a month. If your thinking about it, don't think, go. Because if you get a good one, it could save your life.

I'm finally here

Damn, January 31 is the last I posted? A mess....Yes, I'm here. For obvious reasons, my posts will be shorter and less frequent, but I will try to keep it up. Yes I am unemployed, sleeping on people's couches. Yes, I feel like a loser. Loser, enough to go back home? No, at least not yet anyway.

I'm still in love with Loverboy. I am such a glutton for punishment, especially with guys. I guess it will always be the thing with me. Currenlty, since there are no other living possiblities, we're sharing a room. It sucks. For someone, who's lived alone since sophmore year of college, it really sucks. I wonder what its like to be completely obvilious to someone who is so desperately in love with you. So desperately in love, you watch them sleep. (Yes, I just admitted that out loud).I would like to have that feeling of complete obliviousness.

It sucks not working, for someone who's worked 12+ hours a day for the last 3 years, I feel lost. I know I'm out here to be an actress and there's a lot of rejection and free time involved, I'm the type of person who thinks too much when they're not doing anything.

I need to get a boyfriend, for practical purposes only. People are starting to think something's wrong. I found out recently my family thinks I'm a homewrecking slut. My cousin's boyfriend thinks I'm a lesbian. Loverboy treats me like shit, because he knows he the only heterosexual male in my life at this moment. Its not necessarily that they're thoughts matter to me, but I just get tired of fighting to be me all the time.

That's all for now. More to come.

Project Cali...in effect mode

Paris Hilton is not human. She scares me. She has absolutely no soul. And I absolutely refuse to watch that video. She's a sociopath. Still, people keep giving her press, and she's not going to suffer any consequence whatsoever. I just had to say that out loud.

Project California goes into effect in 9 days and 20 hours. I'm shuffling back and forth between delusional calm and extreme mania. It's still not real. Me about a year ago would only be going for a week on spring break for vacation, probably fill out some job applications for convenience, have them call me the day I go back, only to proceed to come back here to bitch about how I need to get out of here. But me proactively taking steps to change my life? Bitch, please. I got an easy job with good insurance, why would I leave it? Plus its time for Addam and I start planning our birthday party. I would worry about it after that.

As of now, I'll be homeless for a little while. My cousin made an generous offer to let me stay with her the whole time, with her boyfriend and her kids. Umm, no. Kids aren't the problem, they're great. Boyfriend is sketch. I would describe him as the kind of ghetto that he has to suppress for everyday life, so he won't be fighting everyone in his path. Plus, I know they're cheating/cheated on each other. My gut feeling is that I don't trust him. I don't think he'll hit on me or anything, okay, we'll maybe...but the outcome will not be good. For now, I'll just be sleeping in my rental car.

The Interview

So my pilgrimage to LA takes place in about 2 weeks and I am terrified. I am definitely preparing myself for the worst. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I am blessed to go and try this, but at the same time I am scared shitless that it won't work out and I am back in hell again, plotting once again my neverending escape from Alcatraz.

The following is a interview conducted to me by me pretty much illustrating how I feel about life right now:

So I understand you want to be actress, and I know you have a reputation for hating celebrities, let's first start by asking who you hate in Hollywood right now.
Oh, cool I have a new list. The top at that list right now is Angelina Jolie. Everybody thinks she's the Virgin Mary. I think she thinks she's the virgin mary, all because she adopted some ethnic kids and she's pretty. That's what its all about.... her bring pretty. So therefore she can do nothing wrong. Instead of flying by plane to all of these poor countries, she just floats with her veil as a cape.
Drew Barrymore, hate her. She strikes me as the fakest bitch on the planet. If she's that nice, why is she best friends with Cameron Diaz, who is literally the fakest bitch on the planet.
Beyonce, yuck..I can go on, but I'll leave it alone, because I'll get bored. Tyra Banks is an idiot pretending to be smart. Paris Hilton, that one goes without saying.
Paris scares me, she has no soul.

What is your biggest fear about your trip?
Looking everyone in the eye once again and telling them I'm coming back. I've been through this so many times even I think I'm full or shit at this point. Now I feel like the reason I stayed here so long is because I'm so scared of change I became comfortable in my own misery. Took pride in bitching and complaining and not doing anything about it. I became my mother.

How does your family feel about this?
They don't give a shit. It would be different if I got this six figure job and I'm moving to be near it, they would be all up my ass, but honestly they could care less.

Does that bother you?
Hell no. I prefer it that way actually.

In the event you became a successful actress, would you become...different?
You mean a bitch? (laughs). Only to these specific people. My mom and her side of the family because they would transition into money grubbing vultures, and to them I would animorph into "the walking check", to hair and makeup people, because it took 28 years to get my shit together and you're not going to fuck it up in one oil-laden makeup brushed swoop, and to Paris Hilton and others like her, because she is fucking up the youth of our country.

What going to happen with you and "Loverboy"?
You know what, I really haven't thought that much about it, suprisingly. I guess I'm so hell bent on planning and doing my own thing, that I haven't thought that much about how he fits into the picture, except as a friend, of course. Imagine that.

One final question, you were pretty depressed for a while about entering the business because of the whole emphasis on looks, is your perspective still the same?
No, its not. If I built on career on trying to be the hot girl, I'd be Jessica Alba. Believe me,I do not want to be Jessica Alba. Bitch has no charisma. Truth is, if I get cast as the quirky best friend, then I get cast as the quirky best friend. If I'm the "fat" girl, I'm the fat girl. All the actresses who are good, who I love did not spend their time trying to be hot girl, they just were cast period. And I wouldn't spend all my time trying to diet and workout, and more time trying to be good enough to get cast.

Random Tidbits .... Once Again

1. Beyonce, full blown hatred. Not even jealous anymore, she just urks the shit out me now.

2. 3 weeks until project California. I'm terrified, of coming back that is. No one has contacted me about a job as of yet, and its really freaking me out at this point.

3. I realized now that I have stayed at this hellhole for so long, because I forgot how much I hate looking for a job. I absolutely hate it, all the work, all the applications, all the interviews...after all that, you find out they had someone in mind for the job anyway and all your efforts were in vain.

4. Maybe its because I've been in this shithole for so long, but I'm really fed up with black men at the moment. I know there are good ones out there, but confident, strong, educated, non wannabe thuggish, open minded black men, with no kids are very few and far between. I'm into Jewish men now. I'm sure its just a phase.

5. Speaking of thugs, regular guys (of any race) never approach me. Just the "thugs". Not my exterior either, I dress like a preppie most of the time. My best friend and I were talking about the only kinds of black women who are widely regarded as okay to think of as beautiful either look like either Halle Berry or Iman. White girl or extremely exotic, and always skinny. No in between. Most black women are my complexion, with my build, and my big ass. So the only ones who can decipher the difference, and unfortunately appreciate us is the "thugs", screaming obscenities at us indoors from outside....but I digress...

More to come...

Beyonce looked like a straight drag queen at the Golden globes last night...


That's all for now.

Thank Yous for 2006

I know I'm late with this, but I've been sick and I'm sick now, so screw it.

Go Gators!! Had to get that out first.

So I'm laying in the bed with my insomnia, as I do every night dwelling over the events I had this last year. So I have to say, I had a damn good year.

I made myself over completely inside and out, and I have these lovely people to thank.

1. God
I was mad at God for a little while, not gonna lie. Wondering why he stuck me with the mediocre life that I lived, wondering why after years of begging every single night for years, why I was still in this hellhole, and even though I was trying to claw my way out, how come I was still not in LA? After much professional help and less self-hatred it finally hit me. I wasn't ready. If I had left any earlier than I did right now, I would have been on the next plane home. I didn't like myself very much and it showed. Out there, can't do that. In the end, all you have is you and Him. Sorry it took me so long God, and thank you.

2. My beautician
I could write about this woman forever, but I'll make it quick. I don't know if I have ever bitched about this before, but one of my biggest lifelong dreams is to have long hair...No, seriously. My mother has continously told to me throughout the years as well as my middle sister, "I keep trying to tell your hair don't grow long. You don't have curly hair like Dean (my oldest sister). Only people with good hair have long hair" Beautician after bad beautician, perm after bad perm, short hair. Certain point, breaks off, shorter hair.
So this woman takes one look at my hair, and says, "You need to leave those perms alone. They are tearing your head up." What? The perm is tearing my head up? Stress is not taking my hair out?
"No. Just trust me and do what I tell you." That was march. Here is January and my hair has gone from the top of my ears to the top of my back. Thanks, Tish.

3.Greg Berenhdt
Writer of "He's not that into You." and "Its called a breakup because its broken". I am the queen of shitty relationships, as well as dumb as a brick when it comes to men. The book itself is pretty common sense, mostly, but it told me everything I needed to hear. Haven't looked back since.

4. My mom
Me and Moms still have our differences, but it took me living with her again to really get it and handle her. She may have her issues, and the issues are deep, trust me, but I know she will always be there for me.

5. My therapist
I don't need to talk about her, because I talk about her enough on this blog. Therapy works people. I am a believer.

Last, but not least

5.Loverboy
I finally got some emotional distance, and I now treat him for what he is.. a friend. Don't get me wrong, I still love the boy, I'm not delusional, but he is not good for me. He has been been a good friend, but he is not what I want in a boyfriend at all. And I am no longer to willing to take scraps.

I want to send a shout out to Addam and Jason, who help me hold it down in this piece, and my popz who still keeps it real, and nothin' but love for my sister Gwen...

Okay, sorry had to do that....

Movie Review: Dreamgirls

Okay, I'm going to be as objective as I can. Putting all the negativity aside, and giving an honest and objective review.

Yes, it was good. It was very good. Very well done. I'll say that first.

No, Beyonce didn't suck. The first half of the movie anyway, she didn't suck. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't really get a fair read on her performance because she didn't really do anything. Also, the critics have neglected to say that Jennifer Hudson's part is twice the size of hers. She literally just had more to do. So if you're paying to see anybody, you're paying to see Jennifer.

Beyonce is fine as younger Deena, I guess, but by the time she morphs into older Deena, she's no personality havin' Beyonce again. There's even one supposedly serious scene where she curses and the audience in the movie theatre with me busted out laughing.

There are a lot of parts in this movie that I guess the marketing people decided to keep under wraps. The people who have the most screen time is Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Hudson, who were both good. Jamie is also the one who had the hard task of having the most dialogue among a cast of characters breaking out spontaneously into song, and somehow it still worked. Believe me, I hate Jamie Foxx, but I will say he did very well. Annika Noni Rose, who plays Lorell, the Dreamgirl who people forget is in the movie, had a much bigger part than advertised. And, trust me vocally, she is the one who was physically holding back, not Beyonce. (She loves to throw that in people's faces doesn't she?)

Eddie Murphy was fine, to me it seemed like he was playing himself somewhat, but he was still funny.

Danny Glover has a sizable part in this movie, too. And that's all I have to say about him.

Sweet vs. Bitch

BITTER BLOG ALERT!! WARNING DON'T WRITE ENTRIES WHEN YOUR MAD

What do you think that means? My definition is drastically different that it was years ago.

Before, one of the worst things that I could be called is a bitch. It really used to "bother me if someone even thought that I was a bitch. Why? Because, truth be told I am a lot of things, but I am not a bitch. I have always gone out of my way to be nice to people. In fact, most of my confidence came from the fact that I was one of those people everyone liked. If someone didn't like me, whether I did something to them or not, I would try to find a way to resolve it so that they would like me again. All of this trouble, and if someone rolled their eyes at me like "that bitch". My first thought would be "oh my god, I pissed her off. I have to fix it!!!". Pathetic, I know.

I accept my altruism as a part of me now. I don't shun it anymore. I don't clench my teeth everytime someone says I'm too nice. I've learned to make friends with it, and as a result, am gradually learning to control it.

I still think I'm nice, I don't think I'm "sweet" anymore. And that's okay. It's the "sweet" people who are the meanest mother fuckers you'll ever meet. The sweeties have to overcompensate for the evil that lies beneath, myself included in this category.
I don't go out of my way to speak to people anymore, I don't speak to people I don't want to speak to, and I am really sure of who I trust as well as who my real friends are.

"Sweet" is overrated. People who I have befriended and ex-friended have all been "sweet", but that's it. I never liked any other attribute of their personality than the fact that they're "sweet". This list includes "boyfriends". I've spent majority of my life giving people my time and energy that they didn't deserve. Also, from my experience, I find that a lot of "sweet" people are extremely self-involved. If you really listen to them talk, they only talk about themselves and the conversation revolves around how much them and what the world owes them, and that's not sweet.

Sadly, I can also identify with people, who society labels as bitches. Because, they don't lay it on thick with this sugary sweet exterior, because they don't take shit from people especially men, because they don't give a shit as to what anyone thinks, they are labeled as bitches. I used to think my sister was a bitch, for 20+ years in fact, she's not. She just does not care what anyone thinks, she doesn't settle for less than greatness, and the people who really know her she's great to. I get it now.


Jennifer Lopez doesn't count in this category by the way. Now she is a bitch

The Random Blog Tidbits Post ... Again

I'm off from the University for Christmas, and I've been watching a lot of TV. So forigive me for seeming like I don't have a life....because I don't.

1. Does anybody watch Rob and Big on MTV? This is what happens with me, and I think this is what happens with most people who watch that damn show. We turn to it because there is not shit else on TV, and end up watching it and cracking the fuck up. Everytime. It was especially funny last night.

2.The Real World is halfway decent this year. I think it's because they have a black man on there who actually acts like most black men. He actually looks like an typical attractive black man. He's a little ghetto, but not too ghetto. He'll fight a motherfucker in a second, he's bright, a little charismatic, and he's a hoe. I'm not gonna front, I'd hit it. Hard.

3. Dexter on Showtime is hands down the best show on TV. You need that show in your life. For those of you who don't have showtime, you can watch it on the internet like I do. If you want it, drop me a line and I'll e-mail you the link.

4. Beyonce got nominated for a Golden Globe, huh? Well, since I consider myself very much and internet savvy celebrity gossip expert efficinado, I'll drop some knowledge on you. Celebrities pay for that nomination. Sharon Stone paid for hers, as a matter of fact, if you hear of someone being nominated for something and you're like, what the fuck? I'd say about 8 times out of 10, that they kissed major ass, sucked somebody's dick, or straight up paid somebody for that nomination. Case and point? Beyonce getting to sing 3 songs at the Oscars last year. 2 of them in foreign languages? All because she's so unbelieveably talented? Yeah, sure....

The Hoe Gene

If I have to explain what this is then you dont't have one.

First, let's classify what exactly my defintion of a hoe is. My defintion of a hoe is a person who loves sex to the extent of being able to have it with a person or persons without any emotional attachment. Said hoe, is also willing to participate in questionable sexual actions with person or person(s) without remorse. A hoe may use this task for either personal gain or a continuous chase of an unattainable euphoric high.

And yes, I have one

I, as well as many others, namely women, have to keep the hoe gene under wraps, because if we don't then we will be considered...well...hoes. Of course, this does not apply to men because it is acceptable in society for them to be hoes. If women does not fight her hoe gene, then any man she gets involved with will see how easy it is for them to get sex, and how willing they are to experiment sexually. Thus the man treating her like a fuck buddy, always resulting in not being respected.

We with the hoe gene walk around with a mask. Whenever we come across a man that we find worthy of pursuing a relationship with, we must never ever let on our true persona. The hoe gene is only unmasked when we are with a specific male that we will never have any romantic feelings for, or some random person who caught us on a super drunk night at the club whose name we don't have to remember.

Typical symptoms of having a hoe gene (for females)include:

-watching way too much porn, I mean way too much porn even for a guy

-if you meet someone whose nice that you're just not attracted to that you don't plan on seeing again and you contmeplate getting sex out of it anyway

-if going 2 weeks without sex is an eternity for you, but you don't have a boyfriend.

-your fuck buddy sessions are not a treat that comes out of nowhere, but a part of your weekly routine.

-fat dudes sometimes become sexy to you.

If at least two of these five items apply to you. You have issues that need to be controlled.

I admit it, what inspired this post was that I had a re-lapse recently. The non-high school graduate dude who I spoke of in an earlier post, called me yesterday morning. Don't even like him in the least bit, but it took everything in my power not to go over his house yesterday. That's some strength for your ass.

I'm sick of hearing about Kramer

So Kramer cussed out some black people in a club, and they're about to get paid.
This is what its come to when it comes to black people getting some positive press.

People have the gall in this day in age to make racist statements when the face of their youth are
"Starlets" who flash their vagina, obviously junkies, and display rude and disrespectful behavior on camera (literally) on a daily basis? With no signs of remorse.

David Banner received a humanitarian award for his efforts in hurricane katrina, and he is extremely charismatic speaker.

click here

Why I Hate Going Out

I came to this epiphany last time I was in LA.

I hate going out....and pasta. But we'll concentrate on the topic at hand.

My cousin and I go out whenever I'm in LA, and I'm always so excited because I actually get to go to a real club instead of the non-existent ones around here. I figured because since its a bigger city, its a broader scope of men to dance with, better music, a stricter dress code, blah blah. So needless to say, I was looking forward to having a good time.

I have narrowed down my club experience down to science and each one is practically the same. First, going straight to the bar trying to generate a strong quick buzz that will carry you the rest of the night. Second, waiting for a good song to come on, then waiting, and waiting. Third, people watching while commenting on the jostling of your surroundings (a.k.a talking about girls who are too big to have on the outfits they're wearing).

And lastly, we have the actual dancing, which consists of finding a spot on the floor to get your groove on.

Hence, while partaking of the getting on of the grooving I encounter the part that I hate the absolute most about going out.

The fighting off of the sweaty men

There's nothing I hate worse then the smell of man who has been dancing hard as hell all night long, in a crowded hot club, who then spots you and decides that you are the one that he was been waiting all night to see. Therefore, he feels to need to entice you to have sex with him by rubbing his sweat drenched, musty, deodorant running, cheap cologne wearing body directly on top of yours. In motion. Ewww...dry heave.

And...here's the rub. They don't leave.

You try to politely dance away, they dance the same way. You try to turn your head, they turn it back. You try to hold your hand over your nose, they pull it down and put it on their neck. You pass out face first on the floor from the inhalation of toxic fumes, they dry hump your lifeless body on the floor. So on and so forth.

Also, when you manage to wrestle free from sweatbox and actually see someone cute that you want to dance with. One of these three instances occur:

They don't dance, nor they don't want to
Cuties don't really dance that much. If they do, they do their "I'm so cute I don't need to dance" two-step about 3 feet away from you. I also believe by the time the sweatbox is pried away from your ass with the jaws of life, every single girl in the club has tried to get in their pants, he's already chosen, and he's retired for the evening.

They're with their girl
I hate this shit. Why the fuck would you bring your girl to the club, why? What romantic memory are you trying to recapture by going to the club? The club is congested as hell so there's a big chance your going to see someone that you used to fuck. Also, desperate losers like me do not want to see you making out with your girl. I'm bitter enough being there in the first place.

Something is wrong with them
This category includes plenty. The most popular being gold teeth and speech impediments. The most common being upon first meeting uttering these words, "something ain't right about this motherfucker." If you have any more, feel free to tell me. I'm actually researching for future posts.

Yeah, and about that pasta thing. Its just slimy and gross and unfulfilling, and I'm going to stop forcing myself to eat it. That is all.

The Los Angeles Project

I am PMSing right now. Something awful. Plus my dumb ass decided to get hot chocolate this morning instead of coffee, big mistake. Therefore, the bitterness that is usually present in this post will be turned up a notch. You have been warned.

I had a panic attack last night. Most of the time I have them in my sleep, to the point where they wake me up out of sleep. And I can't go back to sleep. It's not a pleasant experience.

Why did I have a panic attack you ask? Because I am the spawn of some of the most meticulous, anal retentive, semi-negative, uncomfortably direct to the point people on earth. If you have hopes and dreams? Forget about it. They won't shoot down your hopes and dreams, but they will list every single possible reason known to man as to why your reasoning is completely unrealistic.

Make sense? If not, Here's a little taste of what my life has been like.

I am not good at standardized tests, mostly because I think they're retarded. If I take one, my score is going to be average to slightly above average. So imagine what happened when I took the ACT junior year of high school. No studying, was late, only took it because I had to, plus my attention span isn't the greatest. Got a 21. Happy. Good enough to get me into a decent school. Stress relieved.

My parents got wind of the score. Even though I got into college, and had a decent GPA, I absolutely have to take it over. The main reasoning? Because my sister got a 22.

Believe me, this wasn't a mild suggestion, I mean they made me take it over. Who gives a shit that I was satisfied and my future was secured. They'll be damned if they have two children walking around with two different ACT scores. Parents like them are unfit.

Fast forward to age 27, I'm talking to my sister and telling her my plans. Understandably, she has concerns, so a natural question would be, "What if this doesn't work out, what will you do then?". Honestly, live homeless on the streets of LA and not tell my parents. But of course I didn't say that.

But she could have just left it there, but no it went to this. "Well you know, you probably need to have a backup city, and start thinking about going there." Keep in mind, my sister knows I want to be an actress, so there really is no other city. Where the hell does she want me to go, Vancouver?

My point is, she had a valid point, but perhaps she should save it for when I'm not so hopeful.
My replacement starts in January, I have move dates, I'm screwed if I have to come back. Hence, my panic attack last night.

Its a little to early to start putting in resumes (I'm leaving in February), so no job prospects have come to fruition, and money is going to be tighter than expected due to my car fucking up every five minutes, and all I have to depend on is me.

(This will be continued by the way, not continuously but intermittently, pray for me)

The 5K Run

So I ran my first 5K this past weekend. It was interesting. Its one of those things that I said I've always wanted to do, but just never really cared enough to do the work. So, in light of my self-improvement kick that I've been on the last couple of months. I decided to do it. I decided to dedicate this post those of you who always kinda wanted to do something, anything, no matter how stupid or unattainable it may be. This is how I got off my ass.

First, things first, I am the most lackadaisical mother fucker you will ever meet. I don't give a flying shit about a lot of things. It came from traumatic childhood experiences that went something like this:

Me: Daddy, can I take gymnastics?

Daddy: No, go to school

Me: Daddy, can I take piano?

Daddy: No, go to school.

Me: Daddy, can I take swimming lessons?

Daddy: No, you need to get your math grade up, you got a B. Your taking college level math classes this summer.

Me: I hate my life!

Daddy: I don't care...

You get the idea.

So I had been "exercising" on and off since this summer. When I say "exercising", I mean getting my walk on 3 times a week. It got cold outside, I had to start going to the gym after work. I was on the treadmill bored out of my mind, looking around at all of the white girls sprinting on the treadmill next to me, and I said, "I'm old. Walking ain't getting it anymore". So I looked on the internet for going from couch potato to running, and it said that I could be running a decent amount in a month. I figured what the hell. I also have an ipod, that helps tremendously.

It went from that to, running with a girl who's in the army who drags me to the gym every night, to I wonder if I can run 3 miles, to doing some research on the internet on local 5K's in the area. Here are some bullet points if you ever decide to do this:

* People who run are insane. They have all the expensive gear, they wear coochie shorts in 5 degree weather. They have this look in their eyes , like "I'm going to eat you".

*The 5K's are usually nothing for them. This is just a warm-up for the 2-day marathon that's coming up for next week. Just trying to get those legs loosened up.

*5K run means run, not jog. The winning time was 15 minutes. That's like 4 minutes a mile. I'm not going to say my time, but it was much, much faster than mine.

*This is an event where low standards are necessary. If you try to compete, you will fallout. My goal was to finish, not stop, and not come in last. Three goals that I can happily say I achieved. I tried to get cocky and set a goal time, but that was thrown out around mile 2 when I ran out of breath.

*Honestly, I hate running. But something about it makes you want to keep going. People look at you differently when you tell you run. Next week, I'm going to try and start training for 10K.

So to summarize, if I can run anyone can. For real, any of y'all..You'll be surprised at what you can do if you put your mind to it, blah, blah. Baby steps. And as far my body, in my opinion, it has totally changed and its the only exercise that has truly done that.

If my little inspirational speech doesn't work, maybe this will..

Random Blog Tidbits

A. So Mario Lopez didn't win Dancing with the Stars, huh. I don't even watch the show and I know he should have. Emmitt Smith? He seems like a nice guy and all, but dancing wise a world of no. I know why Mario didn't win though, he's good-looking with a great body and he's a good dancer, so therefore his life is perfect enough already.

B. Attention whore's been giving me the evil eye at work, still. I this had to do with convo she had last week with her cousin (the stupid asshole I'm in love with who doesn't love me who I talk about all the time, for those who are first-timers) about me being a "secret genius" and all. This boy should have a name now since I'm obviously still borderline obsessed with him, so he is now christened Loverboy.

C."Loverboy" was in town this week, and for the first time in long time, I didn't feel like a moron around him. Usually my attitude is something like, "oh my god, I'm so in love with you I can't even function as a human being." Now its somewhere along the lines of, "oh, you're more predictable than I thought, I can handle this now" This was a really big breakthrough for me therapy wise.

D. I don't care about Tom and Katie's wedding. Nor about Britney Spears's divorce. Neither does the rest of the world. So join with me in my boycott.

E. I still hate Jennifer Lopez.

F. And Tyra Banks

G. I now hate Halle Berry now that I know she's a fraud. Bitch has had an assload of plastic surgery, and I can't believe I didn't notice it before.

H. Last but not least, I have a seething hatred for this girl, her name is Paula Patton. She is in the new Denzel Washington movie. She's that type of pretty that you can't be friends because she brings out all your flaws when you stand next to her. And, to top it all off she is married, not fucking, not dating, but married to the for real father of my children, Robin Thicke. Here they are in all of their sickening glory:

The Bi-Yearly Freakout part deux

I am the bionic woman, I am a robot. I can certainly dish it out my fair share of psycho babble bullshit, but now the inside is totally hollow.

I had a heart to heart with my beautician yesterday. I had to impart some of my therapy wisdom on her because she was going through it.

Long story, very, very short. She's a pretty girl, she's also a very nice girl, she's also a very good beautician, as a result she gets a lot of clients. She gets hated on. Very openly, by her co-workers, and others, a lot. I see it. Certain women know what I'm talking about. Women who have little to no female friends. If they do its usually women they have known for a long ass time. Women who have jobs (careers) that make good money, who have ambition to do more. Women who don't have a thousand men calling them on their cell phones, who don't have unecessary drama with the men they are with, and who are perfectly happy in a stable, monogamous relationship. I know who you are, and I feel you.

Once again, it's the shithole that I live in. A lot of women, not all of them, both black and white, have nothing for real going on. Their livelihood is the men that they're with or the men they're trying to get. If they have no men, it's all about being with "family", if it's not the "family", its got something to do with getting more involved in the "church." (Ugh, more about religious hyprocrites later, that's a book).

Also, because its mini-shithole, everybody knows everybody. My male friend's cousin works at my job. She's the attention whole I has previously spoken about. They ran into each other yesterday. Apparently, the consenus around the office (by the females) is that I'm weird.

This didn't piss me off, promise. I just found it really fascinating.

Continuing on with subtext of the conversation, I was told that I don't really say very much. No one really knows that much about my personal business, apparently I'm really good at my job but I keep it a secret, and of course, she doesn't have a boyfriend. Because God knows, if you don't have a man you're a freak of nature.

Keep in mind all the women at my job are "married". By "married", I mean they are legally or common-law bound to trifling men. I have met all of the betrothed several times, except for attention-whore's, and just going by their personalities alone, if was set up on a blind date with any of them, I would have taken a very long trip to the bathroom.

I thought you weren't supposed to tell any of your personal business? I thought you weren't supposed to brag about how smart you are? I also thought you weren't supposed to be with anyone unless you wanted to be? Maybe I'm crazy, I guess this just means I'm not.

Getting back to my beautician, I basically told her that I have had several experiences with women in Tuscaloosa, 9+ years (adding the story about the ghetto fighting work bitch who I had to throw out my car after making a very strong pass at me), and basically they are crazy. Adding, that my own mother hates on me and my sister. It doesn't mean anything except that you're doing something right.

The Bi-Yearly Freakout

Editor's note: I go through this initial freakout maybe about twice a year, and I have probably written this word for word in some form or another, whether it's been spread out through several entries, or one big rant. So, feel free to skip if you've heard it before, or you're just sick of hearing it period.

I cannot believe, I still do not have a fucking boyfriend

I broke up with my ex, my actual fiance ex going on 4.5 years now, and for sure thought by the time I was almost 30 I would at the very least almost be engaged. Or in a long-term relationship. Nope. Nothing. Not even close. There have been (gasp) several dalliances in and out, no pun intended. But nothing even remotely close to stable, nothing, in 4 and a half years.

One of my friends who lives in Tennessee recently got engaged. She deserved to be engaged, she's a really great girl. She got enagaged to a man who supports her, who understands her, and most of all, loves her for who she is.
She's younger than me by about 2 years, and she's one of the more mature people that I know. I am genuinely happy for her, but my inner bitch says, why can't that happen to me?

I know have been carrying on about how I've been working on myself, loving myself, and blah, blah, blah whatever...but one the issues that I have spoken about in my therapy sessions is how every positive thing that I do for myself is in some way or another subconsciously doing it to get a boyfriend. For example, "Ooh, I like football, men like football, men have to like women who like football. Ooh, I run. Some men run, men like women who run." So on and so forth. I've gotten a lot better about it lately. But like I said earlier. The bi-yearly freakout is inevitable.

Yes, I know its where I am. That situation will change soon. But I honestly don't think that this is going away when I move. At the college I went to, out of 23,000 students, there were 900 black people. 500 of them were women. You would think at one point in time or another, at the very least one of the trifling men would trickle down to me...nope. I didn't even have sex until the middle of junior year.

Recently, the first male I had been seeing since my "metamorphisis", didn't have a job (but he was laid off), lived with his mama (I live with my mama, so I can't get mad), and I (begrudgingly admit) did not have a high school diploma. Let me see, what were the good things, again....oh. He was a gentleman, big time. He actually wanted to date me, and I believed he just generally liked being around me. It wasn't until then I at that moment that I thought, that every single solitary male that I have ever dealt with ever, was an asshole.

How did we "break up"? It was my fault honestly. I didn't want to have sex him. I said I would eventually, but I lied, I wouldn't. I'm pretty sure he caught on to that, and moved on accordingly. Its cool. And that's the way it should be.

Yeah, there's going to be a part 2 to this one.

To the Big Man called "Media"; Re: Grey's Anatomy

Yes, I'm writing about it. Even though I'm sick of hearing about it, I'm writing about it.

All this media coverage of this Isaiah Washington/Patrick Dempsey crap has tainted the show for me, just a tad. All you hear that it's racist that Isaiah Washington is getting called as the angry black man, blah, blah. From what I've read, Isaiah Washington is an belligerent asshole, period. Those come in all flavors. Also, there's is this talk that he's getting fired...whatever. If any of you watch the show, his character is the most expendable. He could easily get written off just because they've done all they can do with it. Also, my favorite speculation, he choked poor little defenseless Patrick Dempsey, just because he was trying to stick up for the little gay boy, and he is an endangerment to the safety of the cast...okay. Do you know how ignorant someone has to be to make you choke them? At your job? You don't just choke a mother fucker out of nowhere, I don't give a damn how crazy you are. Like Chris Rock said, "I'm not saying I agree with it, but I understand."

So what am I mad at? Why the pent up delayed frustration? I love Grey's Anatomy. I'm obsessed with Grey's Anatomy, a lot of people are these days. I don't want to watch this show and think about animosty between the cast, who hates who, if T.R. is sleeping Patrick Dempsey, and so on and so forth. So here a news flash. I don't give a shit!!! so "media" stop trying to make me! Obviously ABC thinks that the controversy is going to draw more viewers out of curiosity, but they were already the number show on TV, with growing viewership every week, you don't need more viewers.

The way times have changed, since our rhodes scholar of a president has been in office as a matter of fact, you have a publicity stunt to sell an album, you can be famous and get cash just for being "friends" with Paris Hilton, and you can still get photographed every day even though your movie career is over. Stop!! We don't care. I don't think anyone outside the industry really cares. Both Paris Hilton's last two movies went straight to video, Lindsey Lohan's movies don't make money, Nicole Richie is visibly dying before our eyes, Janet wore a fat suit for two months, and took it off so she can tell everybody she lost weight just to pimp a godawful shitty album, and Tom Cruise got fired (yes, I said fired) from his place of employment because he made up a baby to promote a movie, and MI-3 still bombed, so stop it!! None of these ideas are working for the greater good.

In conclusion, "media" don't mess up the one shining light of enjoyment for me that takes place once a week at 8' o'clock on Thursday, because frankly I don't know if I can take it. Desperate Housewives, okay, you have that. I let that go. But not Grey's, I just won't be able to handle it.

Oh, and "media" , if you fuck with Ugly Betty, and I find out America Ferrara is a former Nazi, I am personally coming to look for you.

Its not dead

I'm sorry for the lack of posts throughout the last couple of weeks. Just been a lot of shit that has been experienced not recorded. Here are some highlights.

1. I went to traffic court for my very first speeding ticket. I never realized how much of a goody two shoes I've been because I felt like a criminal. It was great.

2. ABC.com and NBC.com re-broadcast most to all of their shows on the internet with no commericals. Needless to say that takes up a lot of my time.

3. I watch more TV now than I have in years. Me being at work until 9 p.m. has limited me to Laguna Beach re-runs and everything else aired around it. Now I have a schedule on the VCR as well as the internet.

4. I'm currently training for a 5K. I know, I don't believe it either.

5. I'm making huge strides into getting over that boy that I whined about in my earlier posts. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I can honestly say its coming along,

6. Ugly Betty rules my world.

7. I have finalized my plans for my California "sabbatical". Got a leave date and everything. Woo!!!

8. Justin Timberlake is coming to town 2 weeks after I leave. I still haven't re-covered from the devastation of missing him and Christina A. 3 years ago. I'm trying to talk myself out of flying for one day just to see him.

9. My car is mad at me that I'm leaving, she's been making me spend a lot of money so I won't leave, and she's threatening to completely quit on me. I have to nuture her in the coming months.

10. I'm "celibate". I use this term loosely just because the next person I sleep with will, for once, not be trifling. One can only pray.

Highlights of my week

Shitty week. Doesn't take much to amuse me.

1. Beyonce's new name is Lil' Magic.
(any Living color fans?)


2. I also found this funny.

Lindsey Lohan

I always wondered how the hell these self made millionaires had the motivation to get off their ass and do something impotant. I wondered if someone broke their heart, or they had an idea and someone laughed in their face and became driven by anger, I wonder if they prayed a lot for their dream to be realized, and if they prayed that they can do something, anything, that will make their mark on this world and simultaneously, get them out the poorhouse.

Well, what inspired this post was me being completely bored as hell at work all week and reading about Lindsey Lohan. I don't think I have seen anybody, Ms. Spears included, fuck up their career completely on their own so quickly, publicly, and badly. Not only that, I don't think she gives a shit. At least Britney, has made attempts, trifling or not (hello horrible dateline interview) to prove she isn't as bad as people thinks she is. Ms. Lohan, instead chose to never stop being an asshole. I think that since she is getting photographed every single day, regardless of whatever the subject matter is, she is still a star. I don't think she realizes that she the only reason she's famous now is because people are fascinated that she has completely fucked her life up. She just thinks she's a star, the paparazzi still fight to take her picture, and that's all that matters.

Also, what bothers me is the people who are really successful, who got that way rather quickly, are completely unappreciative of what they have. I guess that's the way things are supposed to happen, assholes who don't deserve it, don't care when they get it. But I still don't understand that logic at all. When I went to LA, on my studio tour of Paramount , I was chatting with our tour guides (also wannabe actors) who informed me a girl who was on their earlier tours, got her very first role, a a guest spot on Nip/Tuck, but she really didn't seem to care that she got it. She was just like, whatever, and they were baffled. Hell, I was baffled. She wasnt even from LA, she was from a small town in New York somewhere, she just lucked up and got it. Didn't care. I was done.

I guess the point of my rant is that I know its in me to do something great. I know I need to write a novel, or a critically acclaimed screenplay, or be the most successful black actress of all time (fuck Halle Berry, she's a hack). I moved back home so I can go to LA, I have written (count) one page of that pulitizer prize winning novel, I guess I'm just in that stage of, what now?

He's not that into you

I don't remember if I had posted this before, but I have recently read the book He's not that into you as well as its sequel, Its called a Breakup because its Broken. Changed my life, for real.

I never realized until I read that book just how much shit I took from men until now. I never realized until I read that book how much shit a lot of women took until now.

See I live in a state where the median age of getting married is 23. And I never realized until reading that book, just exactly how many women actually do not like their significant others. They just put up with it because they don't want to be alone. My cousin, whom I love dearly, is currently with living with a guy who she has been with for 5 years, has 2 kids with, and for some unbelknownst reason he's not ready to be married yet. She punched him in the face last week because she found 3 girls phone numbers in his car, that she co-signed for. When confronted about said numbers, he replied they were old friends getting back in touch with each other. And to think, she's one of the most confident people I know. But she's in love.

I was part of that statistic too, not even going to lie. One line in the book says something about not liking yourself so much, that every little gesture that a man shows that is nice, you take it and run with it. I do that. I also realized after reading this book just how insecure my male friend was. One of the biggest things that I loved about him was his security, realized it couldn't be further from the truth.

As for said male friend that I talked about last post, I'm still very much in limbo about what I'm going to do. I haven't talked to him since I came back from my trip (on purpose), but now I know I cannot talk to him until I know exactly what I'm going to do. I know this time its real, because it pains me not to answer his call. The accidental time I picked up the phone, I said I was busy. He's been calling me more, but I realize its jealousy/insecurity, not him "wanting" me.

What a dick, I'm so over this shit.

Getting my mojo back...

I've lost my blog mojo, lately. I haven't been real enough in the past few posts

Okay, so I'll be honest here. I'm tempted to be the most honest that I have most been on a blog, but if not I'll be pretty damn honest.

So I have a male friend who I have mentioned on this blog before once or twice. I was/am in love with this said male friend, right now I'm hopelessly caught between the two.

Male friend sucks. Ass. He's the worst possible human being to ever be in a relationship with. He's a hoe, he's stubborn as hell, and he's self-involved as all get out. At the root of it all though, he is a good person, hence the feelings.

I've come to terms with the fact that we'll never be together. Ever.
I've also come to terms with the fact that even if we were together, I would not be able to trust him. Ever.
I also accept the fact that he sleeps with other women, frequently. It still makes me uncomfortable, but I know it happens.

Well, this is what I hate. I hate when he lies to me like he's my boyfriend. I hate that. If its already established that we're friends, why do you feel the need to play it off when I hear other women in the background? That pisses me off even more than if he actually told me, "yeah, I'm in the middle of having screwing some chick, call me back."

Also, my current deduction is this. I'm the female friend. The plain chick that you see in the movies. I'm the chick who's like a guy friend that the male whore keeps on the backburner for a long time, just in case he decides he wants to settle down in the far future. I feel that even if we didn't talk anymore, he would still look me up 20 years down the line, broke with nothing accomplished in his life, saying how much he loves me, how stupid he was, and propose and my stupid ass would probably fall for it hook, line, and sinker.

At this point, I'm tired. I'm tired of wondering if I will be able to give myself to someone because I'm still into this asshole. I'm tired of it being an unspoken rule that no matter who I sleep with, that he will always come first. I'm also tired of being so scared that he's going to be out of my life forever, that I play stuff off that its not a big deal.

Its not a healthy relationship. I already started by not talking to him as much anymore, but that's not good enough, something has really gotta give. Any suggestions?

This is an alternate universe

I'm excited about college football starting up this weekend. Most notably notre dame and georgia tech. Embarrassingly excited.

I "reprimanded" one of my employees yesterday, and didn't feel bad afterwards. (Ok, I did a little bit, but I never questioned if I was right or not, because I knew I was.)

I lost 3 pounds.

I've been "seeing" someone for about 2 weeks and I haven't slept with him yet. Actually haven't kissed him, either.

I don't want to speak too soon but living at home sucks (obviously), but not as hard as I though it would. Should have done it long time ago.

Not saying these are milestones for me, but these are about 4 things that I know I would not have said or did last year. Things can't change in a day, but now you can make the change to start handling them differently, that's what she tells me.

I am definately leaving my job in January. I actually believe myself when I say that now. I'm filling out the leave of absence form today, thank god.

To summarize, I don't feel so much like a walking open wound anymore. The basic emotions are still there, but its not as prevalent as it used to be. What I didn't expect is how much of a struggle it is. I knew that making this change would take this much work, and also how long it would take. But I'm doing it, so I can sleep at night, and feel better about me. Actual me, not just physical me.

**Running off to say personal affirmations now**

Love Letter

It's a hard time for you right now. You've had a difficult past, and now you're on the verge on trying to do something big. You have to overcome your weaknesses and use them to help you grow.

You have to seriously start looking for the good in yourself. You have to find what it is about yourself that you love, because you are very worthy of being loved. If you don't have anyone right now, that's okay because God has already removed the people in your life who didn't deserve you. You deserve to be happy because you've earned it.

In the past, you always felt that you had to please everybody because you felt that everybody loved you, it secured the fact that you were a wonderful person. Everyone does not have to like you, because if they don't, the only reason they talk to you because they think you are easily manipulated. They don't give a shit about the kind of person you are. They are the ones missing out. Everyone loves to pick on a nice person because they think they can't tell anybody no, but you don't need them in your life, you have to realize that. They are not worthy of giving a second thought.

Your past is your past. There are some things in it that you don't like but it made you the person that you are. And that person it patient, genuinely nice, smart, and hard working. You should like this person. She is likeable. You have to believe in yourself. Years ago, you never thought you would make it on your own but you have, you never thought you would have your own life outside of your parents, but you do,
you never thought you would have the balls to move to LA and become an actress but you're going to, you never thought you would be an individual, but you are. Yes, you are different from others, but that's what makes you great, and its going to take a special person to realize that. He'll come into your life, but only when you're ready.

So take this and read it whenever you are down. I know you're down right now, but keep fighting like you have been doing, the fight will be worth it in the end.


To: Me
From: Me

Beyonce is a bitch

Alright, therapy is making some headway. Because guess what, I'm over my Beyonce jealousy!!!

Well, I know you're thinking, if you're so over it then why are you writing about it? Because of so many reasons, I've been so jealous of her since Destiny's Child first came out, I was jealous of her looks, and her "talent". Also, what bothered me so much about her is the fact that she she has always led such a privledged life -- she grew up wealthy, she can actually sing, has a boyfriend with even more money than her, and although not the smartest tool in the shed, she stil seemed genuinely nice. Boy, that was a fucking lie. The bitchiness even comes out in her interviews now. Thank god for the internet, more specifically the comment sections on celebrity sites, because I would be totally naive. I wonder do all these celebrities know that all of their assholishness is fully publicized to the American public, and its come to light that now in the age of internet and fakeness via Paris Hilton, everything that is usually deemed as A-list or successful is completely fake bullshit crafted by publicists and marketing teams. And she my dear, is no different.

As a duty to my American public and myself, I present this little gem I found on imdb.com.

"I work for a popular magazine and have worked on several of Beyonce's photo shoots(as well as those of other big stars)and OMG is she a beyotch! She got one girl fired for bringing her water she said was too cold(although she told us to put it in the freezer because it was really hot at the outdoor shoot). She is soooo stupid that she makes Paris Hilton look like a Rhodes Scholar or a member of MENSA! She grew up wealthy but can't manage to form coherent sentences. One of her slaves/family members always has to translate her gobbledygook into english for us. Did you see her on Punk'd? She thought those poor kids Xmas was ruined and she did not give a flying f@#%! She posed for pics like nothing happened and brushed off the little kid that spoke to her. They finally just ended it because she was so nonchalant about it that it wasn't even entertaining. Trust me-she's fat! We airbrush her like there's no tomorrow. she has so much cellulite and so many discolorations on her skin it's just gross. She recently lost weight and that's good for her but I hope she loses the 'tude as well. By the way-as for her 'incredible body'-can you say..LIPO! We had to airbrush the scars for like an hour! As for the person that said she was shy and quiet when she met her-HA! She just felt you were so beneath her you weren't worth speaking to! She does her best acting in photos and interviews pretending she's not a royal pain in the a$$! She even yells at her cousin who works for(who is nice)-that poor girl is a saint! I hope she gets caught on tape one day showing her TRUE colors so you poor naive suckers can see the truth and stop worshipping this idiot! All her songs are love or sex and half(or more) of them make no sense!(Your sexiness is so appealing I can't let it go?!) She learned a new word-YAAY! Hooked on Phonics might be working for her!"

Yes, this very well may be completely made up. But do you really believe it is?
So bye, bye Beyonce. You're not all that.

Also, check out my best friend's blog. She hates her, too.

I still have issues - the mini-post

Well, so today was the big day. I went to the psychiatrist. I was so excited. I finally get to see someone on a regular basis to talk about my issues, and get some help., blah, blah, blah..

Turns out Tom Cruise may actually be onto something.

I basically paid $100 dollars for someone to tell me that I was in the wrong office. Psychiatrists can write perscriptions, yes, but unfortunately nowadays that's all they do. Its the counselors and the therapists who actually do all the talking and listening i.e. the actual work. Nobody told me this, even the two people who went to see him before who recommmended me to him neglected to tell me this. They're both pretty much addicted to their anti-psychotic medication so I should have known better.

But I haven't given up yet, I did make an appointment with a therapist and I'm determined more now than ever to get my issues straightened out.

First the weave, now this....

So guess what I made a major decision this past week. The second big that I have made on my own next to the sew-in weave, and I'm just as excited.

I'm going to see a psychiatrist.

Why you ask? Do I think I'm crazy? No, I don't. Do I feel like I'm getting there? Not quite, but eventually yes. Its not anything major...well actually it is. But these are the three major topics that I'm planning on covering in my time there, and I really hope he has answers because I sure as hell don't. I feel bad because I really think no one I know, including my best friend really knows how bad it is, because I hide it so much, hence another problem.

1. I have horrible anxiety.
It may spawn from depression, who knows; but I am horribly non-confrontational. I hate it. Even when I know I'm right and it is a confrontation that has to happen, especially me being a manager, it makes me sick to my stomach, whether the event acutally takes place or not. Also, even when a confrontation happens and I know I'm right, I still have this underlying need to smooth things over in some way because I have to have everything go back to normal. "Not rocking the boat."

2. I have unhealthy relationships with men
This is arguably the biggest problem, I actually should have put that in all caps. I have been hurt by men my entire life, and it has affected me more than I realized. It's so bad that I don't even think about men in terms in relationships anymore, I think of them as sexual conquests. I figure its just easier to give them what they want and get out, rather than even trying to let them get to know me, because I'm so sure that they're going to be disappointed when they do. I blame my parents.

3. I have anger issues
Anyone who knows me, is fully aware that I supress my anger a lot. I hate actually getting angry because once again, I'm scared of once again,"not rocking the boat", I would much rather things go back to normal or remain normal than actually express my anger and say how I really feel. So because of all this tension, when I do get mad, oh lord. Someone can literally step on my toe and I will cuss them out until I have tears in my eyes.

I believe that everything else I have to talk about is supplemental to those three. I don't want to go on any type of medication, so I really hope this works.

It has now come to pass..

So, its been forever and two days since my last post, but dammit I've been having issues.

Which ones shall I address first?
Oh, yeah I moved back home. It doesn't suck so bad because I'm never there. I haven't quite reaped the full benefits yet because I remembered part of the reason I moved back there in the first place is because of financial trouble. My parents so far haven't gotten on my nerves quite yet, especially my mother who (shock of my life) has been chipper and supportive. I guess since she has someone to talk to now she's not quite so angry all the time. Same with my father.

Oh, yeah, at the rate things are going now leaving in December is looking quite bleak. I'm way broker than I thought I was.

Umm, what else. If you have read my blogs in the past you probably remember psycho ghetto bitch who made my life hell all last summer. I started smoking because of that bitch. She supposedly got a job last summer in Atlanta, and I thought I was rid of her for good. Well, she's back, and she wants her old job. The good news is that my boss actually asked me if it was okay to let her come back, to which I said a resounding hell no. The bad news is she's still in town, and she has friends here.
I taped the numbers to the campus and city police to the bottom of my drawer just in case shit pops off, because I can't be fighting nobody at my job. In fact, that's what prompted my frustration so much, because I couldn't hit her because I was at my job. She makes my stomach hurt. I don't know why. I'm still trying to sort out if she intimidates me because she's crazy or if she flat out makes me uncomfortable because I don't like her. I don't know, the drama continues.

Did almost get into a fight the other day though, which my friend Addam nonsurprisingly. And it wasn't a heated exchanged either, it was a I got up in his face with my fists balled and lunged at him fight. I won't even spare you the details as to what the fight was about, because it was stupid. I wasn't drunk, but I was feeling alright off a couple of beers. Keep in mind Addam is about 6'4 and 240, so you could tell he really pissed me off. Everything's cool now, though.

Let's see what else. Oh, I really like Jessica Simpson's new video. I just had to say that out loud so I didn't have live with just the private shame anymore.

I hate Beyonce's new one. Very proud to admit that one.

Jessica Alba Ain't no Star

I don't know why this has been bothering me so much lately, but it has, so I will do my haterism check first..(Am I hating? am I hating? Am I jealous?...Nope, I can proceed) I can now proceed. Jessica Alba ain't no star.

Now due to my countless hours of research on the net, the way to make it really big, really really quick in Hollywood does not require a) talent, b) looks (see Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Anniston, or apparently now c) star quality. All it takes, ladies and gentlemen, is a really good publicist. I knew this was true when I saw the Kristen from Laguna Beach make the cover of US weekly for sleeping with Nick Lachey. Yes, she's not a huge star or anything, but that bitch had her own TV show and filmed a movie. There are many other actors in Hollywood who have been in the game for eons and cannot say that.

Back to Jessica, I have seen this bitch host the movie awards, she's in paparazzi shots every day, and a lot of people know her name, too. She's not just a little famous. She's a legitmate actress.

I know you're saying now, she's famous because she's pretty(in some people's opinion anyway, I don't think she's all that, but what do I know). Well, there are many, many pretty girls in Hollywood, and plenty of them do not stick out in a crowd, much like Miss Alba. I've seen her on several talk shows as well. She's really boring. Not stupid "I'm an idiot" boring like Ms. Hilton, but "I'm really am not interested in anything you have to say because I don't care and you don't have any star quality" boring. I mean look at this:



***ZZZZZZZZ*****

There are plenty of people who I absolutely hate Paris Hilton, Puffy, Jennifer Lopez, who I totally resent that have no talent who should not be famous. But the reason that they evoke so much hatred, is because they are stars. Meaning, even if they weren't famous somehow some kind of way they would stick out in a crowd. I actually invest time into hating these people. But yet somehow Jessica Alba landed the only female superhero role in a profitable comic book franchise.

Even as I'm writing about her I'm getting bored.

So what is the point of all this? Basically, unless somehow I luck up and find some fantastic publicist who accept new clients by payment of sexual favors, without upfront cash, I'm screwed.